Ryuji looked like he just ate shit.

"Damn, Ryuji," Akira said as he let his friend into the café. "You look you just ate a handful of shit."

"Dude, just like, don't talk to me right now," the blond said. "If it weren't for you, I'd have killed myself and I wouldn't have to suffer like this."

"Jesus. Just go upstairs. Yusuke and Morgana's already waiting for you."

Ryuji sighed, defeat emanating from his mouth. He slowly trudged upstairs.

Akira began to cross over to the stairs as well, but something caught his eye. He turned around to the counter, and saw Sojiro glaring at him, his eyes looking over his glasses with one hand on his hip and another on the counter. Akira had lived with Sojiro long enough to know when he was throwing the boy his patented "old man stare," which usually meant he wanted to give his dumb old man advice.

"What?" The boy asked.

Sojiro kept staring at him for a while.

"Akira," he finally said, "when are you going to get laid?"

"Bye."

"No. I'm serious. It isn't right for a boy your age to have so many female friends while also being this much of a virgin."

"Oh yeah? And how do you know I haven't already gotten laid?"

"Are you kidding me? It's totally obvious, I can tell just by talking to you."

"Bye, Sojiro."

"I mean, if you were as weird as that artist kid or as dumb as Ryuji I would understand. But you're pretty good at bringing people together. Girls love that. How do you think that fatass Louis Armstrong got so many girls? You don't need to have sex if you're squeamish about it, just get a girlfriend at least."

Akira sighed and rubbed the back of his head.

"It's not that easy, Boss."

"No, it actually is that easy. I know that I must seem like a dinosaur to you, but after all these decades, the one thing that hasn't changed is how easy it is to get a girlfriend."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sojiro chuckled and started wiping down the countertop. "You said you never had a girlfriend before, right?"

"I never said that. You guessed that after having a ten-minute conversation with me on the first day we met. And it was about something completely unrelated."

"And I was right, wasn't I?"

Yes.

"No."

"You're lying. Anyway, back when I was your age, I was having trouble getting a girlfriend, too."

Akira's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really? I thought you said you were getting babes left and right when you were seventeen?"

"Wait… you're seventeen?"

"Uhm, yeah?"

"Oooh. Sorry, for some reason I thought you were fifteen. Must have forgot. Hah! Where did I get fifteen from? Old age must be getting to me, ha ha!"

Sojiro gave a light chuckle and smoothed his beard down as he shook his head. Akira stared at him, waiting for this story to end.

"But yeah," Sojiro continued, "no, I was actually getting laid all the time when I was seventeen. But when I was fifteen, hooooooo boy! I was a lot like you! I mean, sure I was younger, and didn't have my growth spurt yet, and I had to work two jobs so I didn't really have time for a girlfriend at that moment, and there were about two, or three, or four, or five or so girls who had already confessed to me that I had to turn down, but, you know, we were basically the same."

"I hate you."

"Hah! I'm just bullshitting you. Look, I know you think that getting the girl you like might seem like an impossible task, but the reality is that girls are just as horny and just as desperate for companionship as guys. They just think kind of differently. Be honest with me: how do you talk to girls you like?"

Akira considered this question for a second. "I… Don't really?"

"See, that is not what you should be doing. Women love getting attention from men. Well, not necessarily all men. You need to be respectful of them, y'know, treat them like human beings. But you have to put yourself out there. You have to make yourself known to them. How many girls know who you are? And I don't mean your name, how many girls can you say actually know you?"

Akira didn't say anything.

"I knew it. You're squeamish! Well, as soon as you get over your fear of talking to women, the sooner you'll realize that they just want somebody to connect with. Women like men with passion, Akira! Open yourself up to them the same way you open yourself up to your guy friends. But just with a little, you know, extra."

"Extra?"

"You know. Start dropping hints that you like them. Flirt with her, smile at her more, talk to her about things you both like. Get it in her head. People tend to find other people more attractive when they have a reason to believe that the other person finds them attractive."

Akira stood silently before Sojiro, letting his words absorb. He hung his head down and bit the inside of his cheek.

"Look I appreciate the advice. But it's just… I just don't really have anyone in mind right now."

Sojiro cocked an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Akira said with some determination. "Really."

"Huh." The barista crossed his arms. "Could have sworn you were into that blonde girl for a while."

"Uhh, yeah, for like, five seconds." Akira's eyes started darting over to the stairs. He didn't like where this was going.

"Oh really? What changed?"

"I 'dunno, just… things change I guess." He shuffled his feet and tried to turn to the stairs nonchalantly. "The guys are waiting for me, I'll-"

"What? Did she reject you or something? Or maybe she likes the bonehead?"

Akira had to stop himself from suddenly quickening his pace. "I really gotta go upstairs, can we talk later?"

Sojiro was really good at ignoring things. "Yeah, but you're not really the type to start asking girls out, are you? Maybe you just fell in love with another girl."

Akira had already grabbed the stair handle and was about to head up, but his head spun around with his whole body at Sojiro's remark, his eyes wide.

"No! I mean, it's nothing like that."

Sojiro smirked. "No, I think it's definitely like that. Who's the lucky girl?"

"Bye, Sojiro!"

"Is it that rich girl?"

Akira started going up the stairs. "BYE, Sojiro!"

"But then again, you don't really bring her over here that often by herself…" Sojiro mumbled to himself, clearly putting a lot of thought into this. "It would have to be…"

Holy fuck this guy is perceptive. Akira sped up his pace, not even caring if he looked desperate. A loud smack emanated from the café counter as Sojiro slammed his palms against it. Akira tripped over his own feet in surprise, tumbling onto the stairs.

Sojiro's eyes were wide with shock and realization.

"That insane prosecutor lady's sister?!" the old man nearly shrieked.

"Why are you yelling?!"

"Oh my God! Kid, why in the sweet hell are you trying to stick your dick in a guillotine?"

"Makoto's not a guillotine…"

"Oooohhhhh…" Sojiro rubbed his large, balding forehead and placed his elbows on the counter. "It's going to be such a pain in my ass explaining to your parents why a public prosecutor murdered you."

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I don't have a chance with her."

"I never said you did. Niijima will still kill you regardless."

"Thanks. Hey, Sojiro?"

"Yeah?"

"Bye."

"Bye."

Akira began making his way upstairs again.

Sojiro grabbed his coat and his hat, making his way to his own exit. "If you try any funny business with Futaba, I'll cut your balls off."

"We already had this conversation."

"I know. Just making sure you haven't forgotten. Lock up before you sleep."

The barista was about to open the door to the café and step out, but he paused. He turned around to speak to Akira again, who was just barely visible from the staircase.

"Hey, Akira?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that Yusuke kid up there too?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Sojiro didn't say anything. His face slowly curled into itself, making an expression that was half confusion, half disbelief, and half disgust.

"Uhh… Nothing. Bye."

And with that, he stepped out of LeBlanc. Akira made his way to the attic.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Ryuji asked.

"Lookin' out the window," Morgana replied.

"I know, but at what?"

"That's none of your business, Sakamato."

"Ah shit." Ryuji turned around once he heard Akira's voice as he stepped into the attic. "Ryuji, grab him!"

"Wh-Why?!" Even after asking that question, the blond quickly did as he was told, trapping the cat into an impromptu headlock.

"Ach! Let me go, bonehead!"

"Gonna have to glue this damn thing shut, I swear…" Akira mumbled to himself as he made his way to the window, careful to not disturb Yusuke, who was reclined on Akira's bed with his arm over his eyes. He made sure the window was locked. "He was going to find a way to jump out the window and bust a nut into his pothole."

"Aw, dude!" Ryuji let the cat go. "It hasn't even been a full day yet!"

"Both of you guys can fuck off," Morgana retorted. "I just like looking out of windows, okay?"

"You were very clearly looking down at the pothole in the alley," Akira said.

"Ugh," Yusuke moaned, his arm sliding off his face. "How could anybody masturbate into the same pothole over the course of several months? That is revolting."

"You jerked off in a subway station! Multiple times!"

Yusuke shrugged and turned to his side so that his face pointed to the wall. "A simple moment of weakness."

"You go 'people-watching' in the subway station almost every day, though."

"I am a weak man."

"Hey, guys, guys," Akira said. "We're not here to dick around."

"Oh, how I would love to dick around right now!" Yusuke cried.

"This effin' sucks, dude!" Ryuji yelled. "I've been horny all fucking day. Shit, I'm horny now."

"You can't be serious," Akira said.

"I have felt very much the same," Yusuke replied. "Although my state of being seems to keep shifting between horny and sad. First I'm horny, and then I'm sad. Horny and sad. Sad and horny. Sometimes both at the same time."

"What are you feeling now?"

"Well…" Yusuke rubbed his chin in thought. "Futaba did happen to make eye contact with me and call me an idiot about ten minutes ago. Yes, I think that is enough to warrant horniness."

"Aw, you got eye contact from a girl?" Ryuji asked, incredulous. "God, I would walk barefoot through broken glass just to get some eye contact from a babe."

"That's… a little sad, but we need to focus," Akira said. "Let's start brainstorming. How can we get rid of that thing?"

"Dude, I don't even want to try anymore," Ryuji said. "The day ain't even over yet and I've already thought about killing myself a hundred times."

"Can you please shut up so we can- "

"No, wait." Ryuji cracked his neck. "A hundred and one."

"Such a small number," Yusuke said. "I envy you. Not as much as I envy that Neanderthal that is currently ramming himself into my Ayoto's rear-end, however." He gave a wistful sigh.

"Wanna form a suicide pact, bro?" Ryuji said.

"That is quite a samurai thing to do," Yusuke said. "Alright!"

"Dope. So we gonna go out Columbine style, or…?"

"Guys…" Akira said.

"I was thinking something more traditional. I'll wear my best yukata and slice my stomach open after writing down my death poem in ink on a scroll. I would need you to cut my head off from behind, so I do not suffer too much, of course."

"Aw, dude, why do I gotta be your second? That's totally gay!"

"So you want to be the one who commits seppuku? You have not yet conquered your fear of death, you would probably change your mind at the last minute."

"This is no time to-," Akira tried to interject.

"Yusuke, I have been fucking the ever-loving shit out of my neurotransmitters with how often I've been jerkin' off. I can't even feelpleasure anymore because all the dopamine in my brain got shot out of my dick! Every second I go without masturbating is a second I crave death."

Yusuke shot up and took a threatening step toward him. "You think you are more depressed than me, you stupid droolie?!"

Ryuji returned Yusuke's power stance with one of his own and threatened towards him until their faces were only a few inches apart. "I think if you suffered what I suffer through every day without my constant fix, you'd have already killed yourself a long time ago!"

Yusuke gasped. He took a shocked step back and widened his eyes. "Are you… are you implying that I am a pussy?"

"I didn't imply nothin'! I just meant to say it without actually saying it."

"That is the literal definition of implying!"

"Are you calling me stupid?!"

"I am implying it."

"Oh." Ryuji relaxed his stance and scratched the back of his head in confusion. "Uh, what does that mean again?"

"How could you already forget the definition of a word you literally just defined!? How stupid can someone be?"

"Okay, that's it!"

Ryuji jumped on Yusuke and started grappling him. The artist, clearly unable to match the former track star's strength and agility, used his lithe frame to slip out of Ryuji's hold and land a direct, albeit rather weak hit to the stomach. The blond retaliated by wrapping his powerful arm around Yusuke's neck and bringing him to a headlock as he landed on the floor, delivering a steaming hot noogie to Yusuke's cranium.

"AAAAGGGHHHH! NO! CHADUSUKE, LET GO OF ME!" Yusuke screamed.

"I 'dunno who that is but fuck you!"

"GUYS!"

The lads quickly released each other, shaken from their rage by their leader's infuriated bellow.

"What the fuck has gotten into you?!" Akira nearly shrieked. "We're Phantom Thieves. And not just that, we are best friends. We have gone through so. Much. Shit. Together." He enunciated the last words by smacking the back of his right hand against his left palm. "And you guys are going to throw all that away just because we can't masturbate?! We're not animals! We are more than our basic urges! Get up, you assholes, get up!"

Akira grabbed Ryuji's and Yusuke's arms and pulled them up off the ground. The two boys were so stunned by Akira's outburst. They looked to the ground in shame.

"You are right, Joker," Yusuke mumbled. "I don't know what has gotten into me."

"Jesus," Ryuji said. "That was effed up. I was gonna straight-up punch you in the dick, bro."

"So was I!"

"See, great minds think alike, right guys?" Akira wrapped his arms around their shoulders in a brotherly embrace. "Look, I can't guarantee that we're going to be able to kill that guy. And I can't tell you that this is going to be easy. But! As long as we have each other, as long as we have our friends and companions watching our backs, I know that we are all going to be totally, completely fine. Right, Yusuke?"

"Right!"

"Right, Ryuji?"

"Right!"

"Right, Morgana?"

Silence.

"Morgana?"

Akira released his hold on his friends and looked around the room. His gaze caught the window. The locks, which he made doubly sure were firmly closed, were completely unlatched. At the base of the window, Akira caught Morgana using the absolute maximum of his puny cat-strength to try to open the rusted window.

"Morgana!"

"Ah!" The cat spun around and saw the three boys staring at him. "I-I wasn't doing anything! Leave me alone! Don't look at me!"

"Morgana, get away from the window."

Morgana turned back and frantically tried opening the window again. Ryuji jumped over to grab him again but was greeted by a vicious hiss and a scratch on the back of his hand.

"Fuck!" he yelled. "Help me out!"

A long and exhausting chase ensued, with the cat jumping from place to place, and the three boys making a mess trying to catch him. Eventually, Morgana tried to make a break for it by running down the stairs, but Akira just barely managed to block his path in time. Realized that he had no way of escaping, Morgana sighed in defeat and laid on the ground.

"Oh, what's the point?" Morgana said. "I'm gonna jerk off and lose my dick eventually anyway, why rush things? I'd rather die than lose my penis. And I'd also rather die than not masturbate for an entire month. So I'm at a bit of impasse."

"None of us are going to lose our dicks!" Akira declared. "All four of us are going to be fine! Absolutely and totally fine. Remember what I said: one week, and we'll all realize that it isn't so bad. And even if we do end up killing ourselves, don't you guys want to at least try to defeat him before we completely give up?"

"I know, I know," Morgana sighed. "We gotta at least try even if it seems hopeless, yadda yadda yadda. Let's just start doing research already, Joker."

"Alright." Akira grabbed his laptop, set it on the desk for everyone to see, and opened-up a web browser. "Okay guys. What should I look up first?"

"Hmmmm, well, if he's a creature in the Metaverse, then he must be some sort of god or spirit, correct?" Yusuke said. "Try searching his description. His name is bound to come up."

"Alright."

White guy boatshoes socktans pink shorts

"Do any of these images look familiar to you guys?"

"Nah, search for something else," Ryuji said.

"Wait! Just keep scrolling down for now. Maybe something will pop-up," Morgana said.

He kept scrolling.

"Oh! That might be him!"

"No, he was definitely not a blond."

"Oh yeah."

"Try deleting some of the words. Perhaps the search engine is casting too wide a net."

"How about this?"

"Mmm, no, he's still not popping up."

"Here, let me try typing something!"

"Get your fucking claws OFF my computer."

"Sorry."

This continued for about twenty minutes. Having decided that searching for the fiend's physical description wasn't working, the boys silently brainstormed amongst themselves, thinking of clues that could lead them to the identity of the Caucasian creature.

"This is effin' pointless!" Ryuji cried, after several more failed attempts at finding a lead. "Akira, can you just turn on some porn already? I may as well end it all here and have one last good fap before I off myself."

"Yeah, I'm gonna be straight with you, Akira," Morgana said. "I've just been planning what I want my last masturbation fantasy to be for the past ten minutes: they all involve Ann, and they all involve me cumming on your bed."

"For the last time, if we stick together as friends, we can- If you cum on my bed I will make sure you experience the slowest, most painful death you could possibly imagine."

Morgana gulped. "J-just joking!"

"But yeah. Friendship and shit. Jesus, I'm tired of talking about this. Why don't you guys believe me when I say we can get through this? When have I ever disappointed you guys when it came to this kind of stuff? I got us through Kamoshida, right? I got us through Madarame and Kaneshiro, right? And Haru's dad, and Futaba's temple, and all those assholes we beat in Mementos? Look, I understand if you guys don't believe in yourselves enough to get through No Nut November. I don't agree with it, and I think you guys are way stronger than you give yourselves credit for, but I understand. But if you can't believe in yourselves, then for God's sake, believe in me. Believe in your leader. I can help us through this, but I need you guys to cooperate. Please. Do it for me. Do it for yourselves. Do it for the Phantom Thieves."

Morgana admiringly looked at the boy.

"That's why you're a great leader, Joker. You always manage to get us to stop focusing on the negatives and do what needs to be done."

"I must admit, Akira," Yusuke said, "I agree with Morgana entirely. I admire that quality in you quite a bit. You stopped a fight between Ryuji and I by merely using your words. It is remarkable!"

"Well…" Ryuji said, "if there's anyone on the planet who could possibly get me to get over not being able to jerk off, I suppose it would be you, dude." He grinned. "I'll follow your lead, Akira!"

Akira smiled approvingly. This was coming together so nicely for him. The former pride he felt at school when he basked in how much more responsible and mature he was than his three friends came bubbling back.

"That's right, guys," Akira stated. "I'm not gonna let any of you guys down! Just listen to what your leader says. I'll guide us through this mess."

Akira could tell how much his friends appreciated him as they smiled admirably at him and patted him on the back.

"Alright, leader!" Morgana exclaimed. "What our next step?"

"Hmmm…"

Akira racked his brain. There had to have been some kind of clue that could get them closer to the truth.

Wait… what was it that Igor said in the Velvet Room?

'It shouldn't be too hard, you have all the clues.'

But what clues? What was Igor talking about? Maybe it doesn't have to do with his description. Did he say anything that might have given his identity away? What did he say right before he left? Was it…

Akira's eyes shot open wide. He sped to his computer and opened the search engine again, his confused friends looking over his shoulder.

"Akira, what is it?"

"Did you get an idea?"

"Are you gonna give up and look at porn?"

"Guys." Akira faced his friends. "Do you remember the last thing that guy said right before he disappeared the first time we saw him?"

The three thought for a while, but Akira could tell that they all came to the same realization at the same time.

"You know I had to do it to em…" All four boys said in unison.

Akira nodded quickly and typed it in to the search box, but he stopped right before he hit enter.

"This is it you guys," Akira said. "Are you ready to see the truth?"

The three nodded apprehensively but steeled themselves for what was to come.

"Alright…"

Akira hit enter.

…

…

…

…

…

"Er… Akira?"

…

…

"Akira, please. You must say something."

…

…

"Oh God, is he okay?"

"He's just been starin' at that screen."

Yusuke moved to sit beside his motionless friend. He slowly reached over and gently grabbed Akira by the shoulder.

"Akira, please," the artist said. "Please. Say something. Let us know that everything will be alright."

…

"A-Akira-"

Akira jumped on Yusuke, causing the two to fall on the floor. Akira straddled his waist, wrapped his hands around the artist's neck, and began strangling him.

"ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I CAN'T MASTURBATE FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH BECAUSE OF A STUPID GODDAMN INTERNET MEME!?" Akira said.

"GAAAGHLAHGHLAHGHAAAAAAA," Yusuke replied.

"Dude, get offa him!" Ryuji ran over to his friend and threw him off of Yusuke. Not even missing a beat, Akira quickly got up and ran over to the window, pushing it open with all his strength, and proceeded as if he was going to jump out.

"I'm going to kill myself!" he screamed. "I'm going to do it!"

Ryuji and a still-coughing Yusuke wasted no time in running over to their spastic friend, holding him back from jumping out the window.

"You guys, stop him!" Morgana cried.

"Akira, calm down!" Ryuji screamed.

"Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I can't go on like this, I can't!"

"What happened to believing in you as our leader, Joker?" Yusuke yelled. "You must calm down!"

"Fuck you!"

"Think about how we would all feel if you died!" Morgana pleaded. "It would break our hearts and destroy the Phantom Thieves!"

"I don't care! Fuck off and let go of me!"

With a sudden burst of strength, Yusuke and Ryuji threw their leader on the floor, away from the window, which they quickly shut. Akira jolted up from the ground. The four thieves stared at each other. The only sound that could be heard of Akira's ragged, tired breathing. His three friends weren't sure if they needed to stop Akira from killing himself again. But then, Akira grabbed his coat, and briskly put it on.

"Let's go."

The three boys glanced at each other.

"Uhh, where?" Ryuji asked.

"We're going to Mementos. Morgana, what's the name of the Twitter account that originally posted that pic?"

"H-Huh?"

"The meme, asshole, the meme! Who posted the meme!?"

"Uhhh, uhhh," Morgana stammered as he glanced over at the computer screen, which was adorned with pictures of the very same Caucasian asshole, performing the very same pose that they saw in Mementos standing inconspicuously on a sidewalk in an ordinary, American suburb. "Um… 'LuckyLuciano17k'?"

"Lucky Luciano. Lucky Luciano 17k," Akira repeated those words and committed them to memory. "Let's go."

Without another word, Akira went downstairs. Fearing that he might do something stupid, his three friends quickly rushed downstairs and left the café with him. As the male Phantom Thieves were making their way out of the door, however, they nearly collided with a familiar, distinctive figure in an overcoat.

"Oh!" Akechi Goro exclaimed in mild shock and amusement, his legs quickly regaining their stance. "If it isn't Akira Kurusu and his friends! I was just about to stop by old Leblanc for a cup of coffee, but I am so glad I caught you on your way out. Where are you headed? Perhaps I could accompany yo-"

"PANCAKES!" Akira screamed.

"W-wha-?"

Akira drove his fist right into Akechi's stomach before the detective prince could finish his sentence. With a weak exhale of breath, he fell on the floor.

"Let's go!" Akira called to his stunned friends, just as he began to run off. Ryuji, Yusuke, and Morgana shook themselves out of there stupor and quickly caught up to their leader.

"You just assaulted Akechi Goro!" Yusuke cried.

"Yeah? You got a problem with that?"

"Um…" Yusuke was silent for three seconds. "No, actually."

"Then shut up and follow my lead. We're gonna fucking finish this."

"Luciano!" Akira screamed as he smashed Morgana's gas pedal flat on the ground. "Luciano! Get the fuck out here! I know your name and your face you little cum!"

"Ow! Joker, stop stepping on me so hard, it feels like you're smashing my pancreas with your foot!"

"Luciano!"

Akira did not even bother stepping on the brake as he made an extremely sharp and fast turn around a corner in Mementos. The g-force of Akira's hyper aggressive driving threw Yusuke right on top of Ryuji in the back seat, and then vice versa as Akira made another reckless turn in the opposite direction.

"Joker!" Yusuke yelled. "Stop for just a moment and calm down! You are going to get us all killed!"

"LUUUUUUUCKY LUCIANOOOOOOO!" Akira screamed. "Come OUUUUUTTT!"

"Holy shit I'm going to die," Ryuji said hoarsely, having lost much of his voice while screaming in sheer terror only a moment ago. "I've fought gods and monsters and spirits and did all sorts of weird shit. But holy fuck I'm actually going to die now."

Ryuji's eyebrows suddenly raised as an idea came to his head. He reached down and made for his belt buckle.

"Wha- What in God's name are you doing, Skull?!" Yusuke screamed, his voice nearly breaking as well.

"If I'm gonna die here and now, then I'm gonna jerk off."

"WHAT?"

"If I'm gonna die here and now, then I'm gon-"

"I know what you said! Of all the disgusting, depraved, revolting things I have heard and seen you do, masturbating right next to your friends in a moving vehicle (which also happens to be another one of your friends) has to be the most absolute, completely horrible, unthinkably obscene thing you have ever-"

"I got porn saved on my phone. We can look at titties even without the Internet."

"Don't pull it up until I get my pants completely off," Yusuke said as he also started undoing his belt.

"What's going on there, you assholes?" Morgana cried. "If either of you two even think about cumming in my backseat I will fucking kill you!"

"Fuck off, cat, Akira's gonna kill us any second now, let us have some fun."

"Akira, stop them!"

"LUCIANOOOO!"

"Ryuji, I am ready. I am assuming you have a fine BBW collection, yes?"

"Bro, you fuckin' know it."

"Excellent! Let the depravity commence."

"Ooooohhhhh, fuck you guys!"

The steering wheel suddenly made a full rotation towards the left, tearing themselves from Akira's tight grip.

"Hey!"

Before the enraged driver could even react to Morgana's sudden autonomy, the cat bus flipped on its side, metal screeching against the Mementos floor. All three boys bounced around the interior, heads and bodies knocking against each other without the safety of seatbelts or airbags blocking the impacts. Luckily for them, Morgana quickly turned himself back into a cat, allowing the boys to smash relatively safely onto the Mementos wall. They fell on the ground and moaned in pain.

"Mona, what the FUCK?" Akira yelled, before instantly regretting doing so after coughing up blood. "I think I broke a rib…"

"Oh don't be such a pussy," Morgana said, casting a powerful healing spell on the boy, instantly mending his wounds and ailments. "You have lost your driving privileges for today."

"OOoooohhhhh…"

Akira turned around to detect the source of the moaning sound. It was Ryuji, lying flat on his back. His left leg bent at a hard 90-degree angle at the complete opposite direction of where it should normally bend. Ryuji raised his head and took in the damage.

"Oh, shit," Ryuji said. "Uh, Mona, can you heal me before my brain starts registering that I should be in extreme pain right now?"

"Nah. Sit there and think about what you've done. Is Fox still alive?"

Yusuke, who was flat on the ground, stood up upon hearing his name.

"I… I am alive!"

"You hurt at all?"

"No! What a miraculous circum-"

A huge gust of green wind energy burst forth, causing Yusuke to smack right against the Mementos wall, face-first. He slid off and fell on the floor like a broken pancake.

"How 'bout now?" Morgana said, his persona dissipating behind him.

"I heard my skull crack."

"Good enough," Morgana said as he turned to Akira. "So, it seems we're roughly in the same area we were when we split up with the girls yesterday."

"Oh shit, we are?" Akira immediately got on his feet and started screaming. "Luciano! I know your name, LuckyLuciano17k! Get the fuck out here."

"Joker, what the hell are you doing?" Morgana asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm calling this fucker out. He's bound to show up if I scream hard enough."

"That's your plan? You're just gonna yell out his name until he shows up? That's the reason why you dragged us out here?"

"I mean, do you have any better ideas? You aren't letting me drive, so let's just walk around and see what we find."

"You're kidding me! Joker, you remember what happened last time we tried to fight him, right? He fucking murked us!"

"Yeah," Akira said. "But we didn't know his name before. Words have power, Mona, haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Every time they have to fight a ghost or something, they learn more about it, and once they figure out the ghost's name, they defeat it. Simple as that."

"But he's not a gho-"

"OOOOHHHHHH MY LEG MY LEG MY LEEEEEEG!"

"Ugh, Mona, can you stop arguing and just go with it? When you come up with a better idea, let me know, but till then…" Akira turned back and started yelling again. "LUCIANOOOOOOO!"

Morgana crossed his paws and shook his head as he watched Akira venture forth. "What a dumb idea," he mumbled. "The fact that this Luciano guy is some kind of Internet meme is causing Joker to lose all common sense! I mean, I would totally expect you to come up with a hairbrained scheme like this, Skull, but not our leader!"

"OH MY GOD MY LEG MY LEG MY LEG! I BROKE MY FUCKING LEEEEEEEEG!"

"Yeah…" Morgana said, nodding. "I agree. Joker might have gone completely insane. Fox, thoughts?"

Yusuke was face-first on the ground, a pool of his own blood slowly puddling around.

"For sure," Mona replied. "Let's keep an eye on him for now. When it seems like he's gone too far, we'll put him down and see if we can calm him."

"I CAN SEE THE FUCKING BONE AND MUSCLE STICKING OUT AND SHIT OH FUUUUUCK!"

"Hey!" Akira called from the distance. "If you guys aren't gonna help me look for this guy, at least shut the fuck up so my voice won't get drowned-out! LUCIANOOOOOO!"

Morgana sighed while summoning his persona. "Alright, enough pretending like you aren't dying." He cast a healing spell on Ryuji, whose broken leg snapped back into place, the ruined tissue slowly fusing together.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS EVEN MORE PAINFUL OH FUUUUUCK!"

"You'll get over it," Morgana said as he cast another spell on Yusuke. The blood that seeped from his broken cranium was instantly sucked back in his head. He jumped to his feet.

"Ah! Ohhh…" Yusuke moaned weakly and gently grabbed his head.

"C'mon, you guys, let's help Joker find his man," Morgana ordered.

"R-right…" Yusuke mumbled. He looked around, his dazed eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

"OOOOOH IT HURTS! IT HURTS IT HURTS IT oh it healed." Ryuji stood back up, testing his newly-healed leg. "Hey, if you can just heal my shit with absolutely zero consequences, why don't you just heal my leg from that time Kamoshida ruined my track caree-"

"Shut up and start yelling. LUCKY LUCIANOOOOO!" Akira cried out. His friends joined him, venturing forth down the dark corridors of Mementos.

The four Phantom Thieves continued forward for about half an hour before they decided to take a break.

"This sucks," Akira said. "I expected, like, at least some kind of enemy to show up at least. Mona, you detect anything?"

"Not a thing. This floor is just as big and just as empty as the first time we came here."

"But how can that be?" Yusuke interjected. "Luciano appeared suddenly and without warning last time. Not even Oracle could detect anything."

"Something about this floor is completely fucked," Morgana murmured. "I've been trying to turn myself into a car for the past five minutes and it isn't working, just like yesterday. What gives?"

"Do you think it's possible that this floor is somehow different than all of the other ones? Like, the regular rules of Mementos just don't apply here?"

"I mean, I suppose so," Morgana replied, "but why exactly? This place looks pretty much exactly the same as any other floor here, and I don't feel anything different."

"Well," Akira said, rubbing his chin, "we've only explored a tiny bit of this floor so far, right? Maybe if we keep going down, we'll find an explanation."

"Yeah, or we might get murked by that white dude or the Reaper," Ryuji replied. "I still don't understand how he just showed up so quickly and outta nowhere."

"Joker, to be frank, I am starting to question the wisdom of your plan myself," Yusuke said. "Even if your plan to fight Luciano worked, what if the Reaper shows up again? Wouldn't we get killed easily?"

"We don't really have much of a choice, though," Akira replied. "We either have to do this ourselves or go through No Nut November, and, judging how suicidal we have all been this past day, we might not even be able to survive the week."

"We should've asked the other guys for help," Morgana said.

"Oh, yeah, totally. What are we gonna do, tell the girls that we're addicted to masturbating and a literal Internet meme showed up and put a curse on us?"

"Yes."

"Shut up. And no, we are not fucking telling anyone about this. I really don't have to spell that out for us, do I?"

"Heeeeeellll no," Ryuji quipped. "Like doing No Nut November wasn't reason enough to kill myself, the last thing I need are the four girls that I jerk off to the most knowing about how fucking pathetic I am."

"Ah, I see you and I are in the same boat," Yusuke commented. "I, too, jerk off to our female companions far more than any other female, even that horrible, despicable, delicious thot Ayoto."

"Wooooaaahhh, same here!" Morgana said giddily. "We all got good taste!"

"Well, that's not really surprising," Akira said. "I mean, we do spend the most time with them than anybody else."

"Are you saying you also jerk off to them the most?" Morgana asked.

"Oh, pssht, yeah, totally." Akira shuddered. "Oh ew, not Futaba. Ugh, fuck you all. But yeah, the other three, they're up there."

"I think I wacked off specifically to Ann's ass more than anything else," Ryuji said, absentmindedly.

"Hey!" Morgana cried.

"What?"

"Me too. But the way her hips move in that bodysuit!"

"Bro, don't even," Akira interjected. "Every fucking day I have to deal with Ann and her stupid, sexy antics. One time, in the Metaverse, I saw her and Makoto accidentally bump hips together, and I think I came just a little tiny bit." He sucked in air and squeezed his eyes shut. "MMMMMMMMMmm they're fucking doing this on purpooooose!"

"'course they are," Morgana said. "There is no way in hell those girls don't know exactly how hot they are. Babes like that could fuck any guy at your school if they wanted to, but instead they find more pleasure in teasing us because we're a bunch of losers who don't have a chance in hell with any of 'em!"

"Sometimes," Ryuji said, "when Futaba bends over to pick something up off the floor-"

Akira shut his ears. "Ugh! Stop!"

"-in the corner of my eye, I see that nice little ass just… just…"

"I know exactly what you mean!" Morgana said. "It's like, it just calls out to be pinched! Fuuuuck I want to smash that so badly."

"Stop! Talk about something else! Like Haru's nice, round…"

"Aha!" Yusuke suddenly cried. "I know a thing-or-two about Haru's chest!"

"What." Akira said, flatly. "What did you just say?"

"Oh, nothing," Yusuke grinned smugly. "Forget I said anything."

"Yusuke, you cocksucker, you tell us everything you know about Haru's boobs right now!" Morgana nagged.

"Mmmm, no no, a gentleman would not divulge a young woman's secrets to a gang of horny brutes!"

"Man, just shut the fuck up and tell us what you know!" Ryuji said.

"Ah, well when you ask so politely, I suppose maybe I should just keep it to myself…"

Ryuji grabbed him. "Tell us about Haru's tits or I will fucking choke you out!"

"Fine, fine, unhand me!" Yusuke shouted while giggling at Ryuji's desperation to learn more, slapping his hand away. "Well, one day, before Shujin's school festival, Haru asked me to help her pick out an outfit to wear, since she knew very well about my artistic expertise."

"Uh huh, uh huh," the other three said, nodding in unison.

"She was having trouble deciding over wearing a nice, October-style blouse, or a particularly frilly dress with purple highlights. I kept trying to persuade her that the frilly dress with purple suited her far better, since it echoed back to her Metaverse outfit quite nicely, but she was fickle throughout the day and kept talking up the other dress's qualities. Honestly, it seemed like it took that woman hours just to pick out a pair of shoes! Well, her family is very wealthy, so she probably has a thousand pairs of shoes lying about. But she wears the same pair of black pilgrim-shoe-looking things every fucking day! And it certainly didn't help that every second I spent alone with her I just got hornier and really wanted to masturbate. Well, in any case, I seemed to have finally penetrated her womanly foolishness and she was content with the dress, BUT ONLY if she got to bring this hideous purse she had lying around somewhere. It had the exact same color as the shit I had the night before, by God. I had to tell her change it, even though I wanted to tell her it was fine so badly so that I could finally go home and jerk off. I mean, it was so early in the morning, I didn't get a chance to get a good wank in, so you could image that I-"

"GET TO THE POINT!"

"Wah? Oh, yes, that's right! Well, she told me that she had another purse in mind, but it was upstairs in her room. She asked me to go up and grab it while she used the bathroom. And I went in, and I, and I…"

Yusuke started to sweat.

"…and I found the bag, and, uh, on my way out…"

He started playing with his fingers.

"…my, erm, the corner of my eye spots this little black thing on her bed."

The formerly annoyed boys were completely entranced. They slowly leaned toward the sweating Yusuke, their eyes wide.

"…and I think, 'Oh, what's that little black thing?' And I took a closer look at it, and, and…"

Yusuke gulped, loudly.

"Oh my God. Oh my God."

"What? What?" Ryuji said frantically. "What'd you see, dude?"

"I saw it… Oh good lord I saw it and it was on Haru's bed!"

"Oh shit, oh man," Morgana trembled out quickly, clenching his ears in anticipation.

"It was her… bra."

"Her… bra?"

"Yes! She must have left it out on her bed and forgot about it, otherwise it would not have been there. I shielded my eyes and ran off as fast as I could to protect Haru's honor, but it was too late! It is forever etched into my brain! Haru, my kind, sweethearted, sexy friend, forgive me for my intrusion!"

The three listeners looked at each other.

"You got that excited over seeing her bra, my homie?" Akira said, incredulously. "How old are you?"

"Silence, cretin!" Yusuke nearly shouted. "You know not what you speak!"

"Uuuughh, what a buzzkill!" Ryuji moaned. "And I was standing around like an idiot waiting for this guy to talk about some big-ass dragon dildo or something."

"I am telling you!" Yusuke rebutted. "This was not just your ordinary, average, plain old teenage girl bra. This was… this was like something fished from the depths of my twisted, horny imagination."

"Dude, what are you talking about?" Akira said. "Seriously, you act like you've never seen a bra before."

Yusuke took a deep, long breath. "Victoria's Secret Japan, March 2016," he exhaled huskily.

"Uh… what?"

"On the March issue of the Victoria's Secret Japan magazine, there is this gorgeous, and I mean GORGEOUS, delicious, elegant model right in the middle of page 27. She had on a black bra, adorned with lace and near-transparent fabric. It was, by and large, the absolute sexiest bra that my eyes have ever beheld. And it was right there ON HARU'S BED!"

The boys jerked their heads back in shock.

"Show it to us!" Akira said, almost instinctively.

Yusuke quickly yanked out his phone, went to his photo gallery, and presented the model in question. "I cannot tell you how many potential children I have slaughtered thanks to this one picture."

"Woah!" Akira exclaimed. They admired the photo, adoring how sexy the lingerie in question looked on that sexy woman. "And… and you're telling me that Haru owns that?"

"I know. It is indeed a very shocking, very sexy revelation. I even managed to spot the size tag on it before I ran away."

"Shit!" Morgana cried. "What's her size?"

Yusuke smirked. "Haru is a 32… C."

"Woah!"

"Holy shit!"

"Goddamn, Haru! You go girl!"

None of them had any idea what a 32C was.

"Oh man, I can't stop thinking about Haru in that lingerie now!" Morgana exclaimed.

"Oooohhhh, you know who would also look good in that thing?"

"Who?"

"Makoto."

The boys gave a unanimous moan in approval.

"Holy crap, our friends are so goddamn hot!" Ryuji exclaimed.

"I know!" Akira said. "Godddddd, I really just wanna…"

"STOP!"

Morgana jerked his head toward the darkness of Mementos. The other three immediately shut up. "I… I can sense something!"

"Is it Luciano?"

"No, and it's not the Reaper either. It has a… similar feeling to Luciano, but it's definitely not him. It's… smaller I guess?"

The four looked at each other and instinctively nodded, preparing themselves for an attack.

"This time, you guys," Akira said with a serious tone, "we're gonna be ready for anything this place throws at us. Mona, how far away are we from an area that you can turn into a car?"

"We can get there in less than a minute if we run."

"Plenty of time. Get ready, guys."

And, like Tariel routing himself from his deep sadness to defend against the servants of King Rostevan, the horny heroes drew their weapons and readied themselves for battle. With bated breaths and cold, martial hearts, the Phantom Thieves knew that this was to be one of their finest hours, where they could prove themselves worthy to trek through this dark, mysterious lair deep within the confines of Mementos. Whatever horrid creature they would encounter, they knew that they would face it.

After what felt like many hours, but was in reality a few seconds, the creature that Morgana spoke of emerged from the darkness. Unlike Luciano, and unlike the Reaper, this creature was small, weak-looking, and green, with big, brown lips. It did not even raise its eyes to look at the boys, instead staring at the ground with a sad, mournful expression.

The Phantom Thieves stood there in silence, their readiness slowly dissipating into confusion.

"Um…. The fuck is that?" Ryuji asked.

"I 'dunno," Morgana replied. "This thing is completely unknown to me, just like everything on this God-forsaken floor…"

"Oh!" Akira said in realization. "I know what that thing is! It's that, it's that…"

He waved his hand in the air, trying to recall the words that escaped him.

"Uh, it's that, that frog thing. Yeah, it's called, um…" He snapped his fingers with his eyes shut, hoping the name of the creature would come to him. "Y'know, that Nazi frog-thing!"

"Nazi… frog?" Yusuke asked. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You know! That Nazi frog-thing! Fuck, why can't I think of its name right now? It's a big deal, I swear! You'd recognize it if I just remembered that damn name…"

"Yeah, I got no idea what you're talking about," Morgana said. "Where would we have heard of it?"

"I mean, it was, like… It was a big deal during the election."

"Er, what election?" Yusuke asked, sounding even more confused than he was before. "It ended about a week ago, did it not? I do not remember any… Nazi frog-things."

"No no, not the Japanese election, the American one! The one that happened last year. Yeah, everybody was talking about that Nazi frog. Fuck me, if only the Internet worked down here!"

"Oh…" Yusuke said, thinking. "I did not realize they had an election last year."

"Are you… are you shitting me?" Akira said, incredulously. He looked around, and saw that Ryuji and Morgana were just as lost as Yusuke was. "It was all over the goddamn news!"

"Dude, you're like, literally the only person I know who gives a single shit about politics," Ryuji quipped. "All I know is that George Bush is still president."

A whole slew of emotions passed through Akira's face as he attempted to wrap his mind around his friends' ignorance. Failing to put words to his extreme disbelief, Akira thought it best to drop the matter altogether. "I… I… Fuck! Let's just figure out what to do with this thing so we can-"

"RRREEEEEEEEE!"

Without so much as a warning, the Nazi frog-thing leaped through the air and attached itself to Akira's head, biting and scratching his face.

"FUCKING NORMALFAGS GET OFF MY FUCKING FLOOR GOD FUCKING DAMN!"

"Ahhh!" Akira screamed in panic. "Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!"

"I gotcha, bud!" Ryuji cried. Gripping his baseball bat, the blond boy smacked the green thing with all his strength, causing it to smack against the wall with an unceremonious splat. Not even a second later, it dissolved in the air and was quickly absorbed into Akira's mask, which flew off of his face from the sheer force of Ryuji's swing.

"Damn," Akira moaned as he picked up his mask. "You could have really fucked me up. Thanks though."

"No prob," Ryuji replied with pride. "Now put your mask back on so we can continue."

"Um."

Akira stared at his mask, still in his hands. Something did not feel right to him. Something told him that putting on his Phantom Thieves mask after it had absorbed that Nazi frog would be a very, very bad idea.

"Joker? What is the matter?" Yusuke asked with a tint of annoyance. "We have already wasted so much time here, let us hurry forward before it gets too late. Put on your mask."

"I… don't really want to."

"The fuck you mean you don't want to?" Morgana exploded. "Joker, I am tired, I am angry, and most importantly, I am horny. Put your mask back on so we can find Luciano, kill him, and go back to jerking off all day like we're supposed to!"

"Yeah!" Ryuji exclaimed in agreement. "I have Instagram thots to stalk and classmates to creep on! Put it on!"

And before he knew it, Akira's three friends were mercilessly chanting 'Put it on! Put it on!' to the poor boy.

"Alright!" Akira yelled. "Jesus, you people are so pushy."

Drawing a deep breath, he smacked the mask onto his face, causing him to immediately spasm and yell in pain. His entire body gave a long, protracted shiver as his skin paled. Akira rushed over to the wall and puked.

"Oh. Um…" Morgana muttered sheepishly. "You alright buddy?"

"No, I'm not alright!" Akira yelled. Spitting out the last of the bile, he turned to his friends. "I just absorbed a fucking Internet meme into my brain like a fucking persona, what part of that sounds alright to you?"

"Wait, that was an Internet meme?" Ryuji asked.

"Yeah," Akira said while wiping his mouth. "I know what it is now that I absorbed it. It's Pepe. Pepe the Frog. The only reason I know that was because a bunch of Nazis were using it as a meme during the 2016 American Presidential Election. I just absorbed a fucking meme, holy shit."

"Wow, that's…" Ryuji scratched the back of head, trying to think of the right thing to call this situation. "That's fucking retarded."

"I do not understand," Yusuke muttered. "First this LuckyLuciano17k character, and now Pepe the Frog. Just what is going on here?"

"Tch, yeah," Morgana scoffed, "what is this, some kinda Trip Through MEMEmen-"

Morgana abruptly ended his self-referential pun and twitched.

"What's wrong?"

"He's here."

The boys jerked their heads around, frantically trying to look for the meme demon.

"Wh-where?"

"'Sup."

And without warning, the socktanned douchebag himself, Luckyluciano17k, the greatest internet meme of 2017, appeared before the male Phantom Thieves, complete with boatshoes and his preppie fratboy shirt. He did his legendary pose and wore his beaming smile. He stared at the boys as they got over their shock of seeing him appear so abruptly before them.

"Damn," he said. "You guys really like getting your asses kicked by me, don't you?"

"You!" Akira shouted. "I know your name! You are Luckyluciano17k, motherfucker!"

The meme-man raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, yeah? I already know that?"

"Fuck," Akira said, his former confidence dissipating into defeat. "Whelp, I'm outta ideas."

"Great," Ryuji replied. "Thanks for nothing, Joker."

"Joker!" Yusuke cried. "What are you doing? If Luciano is immune to Personas, then clearly an Internet meme would have to do damage to him!"

"You're right!" Akira said with newfound confidence. "Pepe, get the fuck out here!"

He ripped his mask open and out came the frog, looking as pathetic and as useless as ever.

"Oh shit," Luciano said. "Is that that Nazi-frog thing that I keep seeing on Twitter?"

"Yep! And guess what? He's a certified, bona fide Internet meme! Pepe, fuck this guy up!"

"RRREEEEEEEEE!"

With an unexpected amount of savagery, the cartoon frog leaped toward the Caucasian offender with a ferocity the boys had never seen before. It latched onto Luciano's ankle, biting and clawing the socktanned flesh before him, managing to produce a relatively good deal of blood.

"What in the goddamn…!?" Luciano wasted no time in shaking the frog off of him, lifting his leg, and then slamming his foot right onto it, defeating the creature. "Fuck outta here."

"Jesus!" Morgana yelled. "Can anything bring this guy down?"

"Look at his leg!" Yusuke shouted. "It's bleeding! If Joker can manipulate the memes here and use them to our advantage, we can take Luciano down and finally be able to-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP."

With Luciano's deafening, bass-boosted shout, the familiar, genital-crushing glow appeared again, completely immobilizing the boys in pain.

"Okay, dumbasses, I'm going to explain this shit to you real carefully," Luciano said, ignoring the boys screaming in pain over their crushed nutsacks. "This floor? This ain't like any other floor here, but you probably figured that all out by now. Over here, the memes rule. There aren't that many here for now, but there definitely will be soon. Now, I don't want to see you here again, got it? You can't beat me. No man, no persona, and no meme can." He paused to think for a moment. "Well, okay, maybe there are a few memes that could potentially beat me, but not during No Nut November. If you four are still even thinking about coming at me, I'm gonna save you a lot of time and a lot of pain. Don't. Even. Fucking. Try. You can't beat me. Nothing can." The glow dissipated, and the boys were once again spared. "Got it?"

"Ohhhh…." Akira moaned. "You're a fucking asshole, Luciano."

"Heh, I know. Well, peace out."

"Wait!" Morgana cried. "How are we supposed to explore Mementos with the rest of the Phantom Thieves if you're just gonna show up and whoop our asses?"

"Oh that? Look, at the entrance to this floor, there are two escalators. They both look like they're going to the same place, but you dumbasses have all been using the one on the left this whole time. Use the right escalator, and you'll just go to the next floor of Mementos. No memes or anything, I promise."

"Dude, come on," Ryuji moaned. "You can't just expect us to not jerk off all month, can you?"

"Um, yes I fucking can? No Nut November is some serious shit."

"I can't believe this is happening." Akira covered his eyes with his arm and choked back tears. "I can't believe this dumb shit is fucking happening to me!"

"Believe it, motherfucker. You four are about to embark on one of the most retarded journeys ever conceived. Have fun not jerking off, idiots. And remember, I'm ALWAYS watching." And just like he did before, Luciano disappeared into the ether.

The boys slowly got themselves back to their feet, the realization that there was no way to escape No Nut November hanging over them like a dark cloud.

"Dude," Ryuji finally said, after a few moments of silence. "I was really looking forward to jerking off to that picture Fox showed us."

"Me too, man," Akira said, as the boys began to make their way back home. "Me too."

A/N

I'm back, bitches. Sorry this took so long, contrary to what you might think, I never really abandoned this story. Believe or night, I was slowly working on this chapter in bits and pieces ever since my last upload. My duties at the church always come first, however, and it is my duty as an Orthodox Primate to protect and guide my congregation at all times!

Now, before anyone asks, yes, there will be more memes featured in this, but I fancy myself as a bit of a meme snob. I am ONLY going to talking about memes that are 100% classic and timeless. Pepe and Luciano are god-tier memes that transcend the flavor of the month BS that most memes tend to become, so you can expect to see only the most high-quality shit here.

God I hate this chapter, it was just such a pain to write, but now Chapter 4 is finally done and we can skip ahead into No Nut November! Woo hoo!

As always, thanks for reading, and I apologize to my loyal fans that had to wait so long to read this trash. Your continued support is what helps me get through the day in these trying times.

Go to confession and maybe I will upload faster!

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