I was resigned to going back to the Dursleys. Not for anything in the world was I going to let this turn into a Severitus. Oh, I could try miming or writing the story to someone but I didn't want to give God another chance to foil me so spectacularly. I wondered if he had any friends and if they were all mocking my predicament… no, he won't have friends, not with that personality.

Snape was resigned to take me.

"Could I have some food before we go?" I asked when he set me on my feet, my stomach cramping painfully. "It must be dinner time already."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why do you want to? Want more attention, do you?"

What? Oh. As if that was my fault, he was the one that outed me. The infirmary had a steady stream of 'patients' ever since I came and I was glad to have slept through half of it. The other half was interesting, kids with magic didn't have to pretend to have fever and they came in with all manner of problems from sprouting tails to spewing slugs and being riddled with lurid green spots.

He ignored my protests that I was hungry and swept me out. We followed the same route out but this time I had to jog in his wake staying just behind his flapping robes as he marched through the castle and across the green lawn to the gates. I was looking forward to being apparated again, it was a rollercoaster ride of fun, but outside the gate, Snape raised his wand and the triple decker knight bus appeared next to us with a bang. He whisked me inside, not letting me gape.

Inside was everything they promised. No Stanley Shunpike, I suppose it was before his time, but a matronly woman who was pouring tea for herself and the conductor met us. "Hello dearie," she told me and scrubbed a bejewelled hand through my hair. What is it with these touchy feely people? "Where to today?"

"Number 4, Privet Drive," Snape said, dropping coins on the tray and pushing me in. "And no we don't need cocoa."

Cocoa! "I would like some—"

"No." That was Snape. Behind us the matronly woman clicked her tongue.

"You're very rude," I told him and shook his hand off. The bus held no people but was full of soft sofas in every size and shape from single seaters big enough for a dwarf—goblin sized?—to ones large enough to seat a family of six. "I'll be upstairs."

And this is where I found out how difficult my life as a four-year-old was going to be. People could carry you around whether you wanted or not.

"No, you won't," Snape said and picked me up by the collar and carried me over to a child sized sofa where he dropped me with a terse, "Stay."

The bus took off with a magnificent speed and all the sofas rushed to the back. I pulled my feet up just in time not to get crushed and yelped. Snape scowled as if it was the end of the world and waved his wand with an irritated flick. The sofas organised themselves back to their original places and on the next turn they stayed there. Spoilsport.

Scenery whizzed by in grey and green blurs. For a while I watched that but it wasn't so interesting. I turned to Snape who sat himself a good distance from me and caught him studying me. I pulled a face and he scowled and looked away. Which gave me time to study him. He was no Rickman, not just because he was so young, a quick calculation reminded me he was twenty-four—younger than me—but he was not very tall, thin to the point of unhealthy, and his large nose and stupid greasy hair did him no favours. It was his turn to catch me staring and I pulled another face.

Then we were dropped at Number 4 and Petunia opened the door at his hard knock. "You!" she spat at Snape and then looked down at me. "And you! Why am I not surprised. Couldn't stay away?" Petunia said and yanked me inside, slamming the door on Snape's face. When he started knocking she locked it.

"It's into the cupboard with you," she hissed at me and followed through on her words, dragging me there.

"Ow! You're hurting me! Can I at least get something to eat before?"

"No!"

She shoved me inside and slammed the door, locking it. She would have been a perfect partner for Snape, I mused when I found my cot and sat. By now the hunger cramps were constricting my throat, oh no, sorry, that was tears. I'm so pathetic. Swiping them away I felt the cold hard metal of the ring that no one seemed to notice on my cheek, and swallowed the next tears angrily. I wasn't going to give any god the satisfaction of saying I told you so to me. Four year old Harry might have been stuck in the cupboard not knowing how to get out but I wasn't four was I? That was one mistake he had made in his little plan.

Something hard dug into my thigh; I tugged the light on and looked. The wand. And next to it in a tidy little bundle the cloak. How? Nevermind how, better to hide it before Petunia finds it.

I had just decided to wait until the night— I figured I could try to break the door down and escape while they slept—when the very door opened and Snape looked in. "Come, Potter."

"No."

He growled of all things, and reached in to drag me out. I really wish people would stop doing that!

To get him back I kicked out—yes, I know, childish but what else could I do with this size. "I'm not going anywhere with you! Where are you taking me?"

"Back to the castle."

"And good riddance!" Petunia Dursley shrilled behind him.

"Shut up, Tuney. Where's his clothes?"

She laughed. "Did you think I would buy him clothes? I never wanted him in the first place but no one bothered to ask me, did they?"

Snape's hand tightened around my wrist and I tried to bite it. "Let me go! I'm not going with you!"

He closed his free hand around my mouth and asked incredulous, "You want to stay here?"

"No, he doesn't," Petunia said.

I looked at her. No. No, I didn't. I stopped struggling.

He apparated us to the school's gates and walked me across the grounds at a fast clip. Classes seemed to be finished, students were scattered here and there and in the distance I could see a group flying. We were curiosities but Snape's presence kept them away.

Tired as I was the castle seemed impossibly far for me right now and I wished he could just whisk us there by magic.

"Why did we take the bus there if you could apparate?"

"What do you know about apparate?"

"I know everything," I wanted to say but shuddered thinking of God's little prank. "Dumbledore told me."

"Headmaster Dumbledore," he corrected me.

"He's not my headmaster. So why waste money on the bus if you didn't have to?"

There was a long pause during which I jogged behind him towards the school, then he finally said, "You need to have been at a place before to apparate there."

Ah. Makes sense. Surprised he answered, I jogged on in silence until it came to me that I didn't actually have to jog, and I switched to walking. He didn't realise I was dragging behind until he reached the school and there was a good distance between us. Seeing him wait impatiently at the doors I slowed my pace even more. I'm sorry, he was not a very likeable man and I was hating the direction things were going in. I twisted and twisted the ring until my thumb felt raw but nothing happened. God was not talking to me.

"Why are you so slow, Potter," he asked when I came within earshot. "Keep up."

"I'm hungry and no one wants to feed me," my mouth said without my permission. "Not even God."

"Pathetic," he said under his breath and I couldn't agree more but he crossed back to me and swung me up on his arm. "Don't bite."

I got food. He took me to the kitchens, handed me to a house elf and asked them to feed me. They were taller than me but not by much, dressed in pillowcases one and all, and everything that the books said they were: huge, tennisball sized eyes, long, floppy ears and every last one of them eager to please.

Snape sat across from me at the far end of one long table, drinking tea while I stuffed everything they brought me in my face at the opposite end. And oh, how delicious it all was! Featherlight crusts and deep, flavourful gravies, buttery potatoes and sugary-sweet baby carrots, I was in heaven. God could keep his.

Back to the Headmaster we went. This time Snape carried me.

"Don't you ever walk slow?"

"Don't you ever not talk?"

"I'm…" not talkative, I wanted to say but that was wrong wasn't it? If I wasn't talkative it was because I had no one to talk to back home except whoever I found online. "Whatever. Why did you take me from Petunia?"

"Because she didn't give you food."

"You heard that? You didn't either!"

"It's not my job to feed you."

"A nice person would feed kids," I grumped.

For my trouble I was set back on my feet to walk the rest of the way. Luckily it wasn't far. And he also slowed his pace.

Dumbledore was surprised to see us to say the least, and Snape told him succinctly why I was back. The Headmaster declared it was impossible to keep me, and that he'll have a word with Petunia. At that Snape scoffed and pulled a memory from his head into a Pensieve on a pedestal. By now Minerva was there also and the two of them stuck their heads over the bowl and were quiet for a long time. I squirmed unhappy on the sofa where I had been put with a 'stay' and guessed I knew how people felt if videos of themselves were leaked online.

"It would have been nice if you asked my permission to show them," I grumped at Snape.

He frowned at me. "How do you know what they are doing?"

"I'm not stupid," was all I could come up with. Later I'll see if I can tell these things to someone but not Snape, not when the word daddy might escape instead.

"It seems not."

I pulled a face.

Then we sat and listened as Dumbledore and Minerva had a fight over what was to become of me. It was an improvement on staring at walls and when they cast a spell to mute themselves it turned into a Laurel and Hardy skit with loads of arm throwing and pacing which was even better.

When Minerva stormed off, Dumbledore unmuted himself and informed Snape that they had come to an agreement. I did not have to return to my family but will stay with Snape of all people. Why wasn't I surprised? Just wait until I saw God again! Both of us came to our feet in the same instant, and shouted, "No!"