Chapter Summary: After a long hiatus, Shaun and Lea finally decide to talk to their therapist again.
AN: Although the show is referring to this loss as a miscarriage, I'm referring to it as a stillbirth since it happened after 20 weeks, which is what stillbirth is: loss after 20 weeks. According to my research, the CDC would have classified Lea's loss as an early stillbirth.
Lea was already halfway through her pregnancy and she had felt some bits of movement two weeks ago; only Shaun couldn't feel anything just yet. During her last pregnancy, Shaun wasn't able to feel the baby kick until 22 weeks, which was unfortunately the moment they lost the baby. He only got to feel her kick once.
At this week's appointment, they were also given the opportunity to know the fetus's sex via ultrasound, but declined once again just like they rejected the fetal DNA test. Shaun and Lea would even look away from the monitor or a sonogram picture every time the fetus's genitals would become visible on the screen.
Even though she was physically back at work after the rough moments of 15-18 weeks of her pregnancy, Lea was struggling to manage her hyperemesis gravidarum. She thankfully gained back a bit of weight, but she still weighed a bit less than she did at the time of her previous pregnancy, yet looking heavier compared to last time. Although she preferred Shaun to be the dad instead of the doctor, she knew he sometimes needed to act as the doctor and make sure she actually ate three small meals a day with larger snacks in between at exactly the right times (just like her actual doctor ordered). Her body could fortunately tolerate the fruit smoothies and popsicles from the farmer's market that she craved. It was usually plain foods (like pieces of toast) that she could eat without barfing them back up most of the time. Shaun also bought her motion sickness wristbands, hoping they would help.
This was not how she pictured her pregnancy to be. She expected the morning sickness to disappear into her second trimester like it did last time. And unfortunately, Shaun seemed a bit more off and disconnected compared to the last time she was pregnant.
She was getting very worried about him, so she talked to Dr. Glassman about it and asking for advice on how she could help her husband with his mental health while she was still struggling with managing hers very deeply (and for advice on how he handled annoying relatives when his ex-wife was pregnant with Maddie).
On the plus side outside of the slight decline of their mental health, she and Shaun had just started working on her birth plan and creating their minimalist registry. In truth, they were actually concluding the birth plan and registry from their last pregnancy because the stillbirth happened before they could finish putting their final plans together.
Outside of what was going on with the pregnancy and the baby plans, Shaun had just celebrated his 30th birthday and Lea was already fed up with a few of her family members even more so than she was with them during her last pregnancy.
The other night, she cried herself to sleep after her father told her that her Uncle Tony said he hoped she would make it past 22 weeks this time as she was two weeks away from the moment she lost her previous pregnancy.
Her Aunt Janet was already putting a bunch of pressure on her and Shaun to find out the sex and pick out a name already so she could make a personalized baby blanket with the baby's name...and also sew it in either pink or blue.
Seriously, why isn't green or yellow an option? People don't just like pink or blue! She scoffed in her head.
She was so over hearing about her paternal grandparents' opinions on how they think their great-grandchild should be born or raised. Her grandfather was asking her about the best Roman Catholic churches in San Jose to hold the baby's baptism despite Lea already telling him that the baby was not getting baptized. Her superstitious grandmother was still pissed that she and Shaun didn't have a traditional Roman Catholic wedding like everyone else in the Dilallo family. Her maternal grandparents - Grandpa Rod and Grandma Eleanor - would have been more supportive of Lea and Shaun's choices...and they were just as religious and traditional as her paternal grandparents.
She had to keep reminding her mother that she absolutely did not want to have a baby shower thrown for her. Lea already made sure she got her message clear to everyone at the hospital, who respected her final decision. However, getting her mother to cooperate was very challenging. Although Lea had this conversation with her mother during her last pregnancy, Pam really wanted to throw her daughter a baby shower for this pregnancy since she was going to have a rainbow baby and that this moment deserved a celebration. Lea warned her mother that it was still a possibility that they could lose the baby.
As for her older brother, Donnie, they still haven't spoken to each other since the incident in Hershey.
Maybe I should have waited to tell them all until this baby pops out, Lea thought sarcastically, wondering if her mom was still mad at Shaun for telling her that she needed to shut up over the phone no matter how much she thought she kind of deserved to hear his outburst over a dinosaur onesie.
On his way over to Dr. Glassman's office, Shaun received a text from Lea.
LEA: Well, Aunt Janet is still bugging us about our baby's name and sex. Maybe I should block her.
As usual, Shaun texted Lea back, agreeing with her. Debbie was already thinking of making a blanket for the baby, a blanket that wouldn't be exclusively pink or blue and personalized. Yesterday, she asked him and Lea which colors they would prefer, and they said yellow, green, blue, or white.
SHAUN: Yes, you should block her. She hasn't started it yet, but I'm already liking the blanket Debbie is making so much better.
Dr. Glassman was doing some work on his computer as well as filing some paperwork when Shaun walked into his office.
"Dr. Glassman, you wanted to see me?" He said.
"Yes, I do," affirmed Dr. Glassman, stacking his papers and setting them aside. "We need to talk. Have a seat, please."
Shaun sat down in the chair and was ready to hear whatever Dr. Glassman needed to tell him.
"Did I do something wrong?" Shaun queried.
"No, but I am concerned about you," sighed Dr. Glassman, appearing to be worried and antsy.
"You don't have to be concerned about me, I'm fine," fibbed Shaun, making no eye contact with his mentor. The truth was that he had been feeling emotionally numb since the miscarriage scare and even Lea's hospitalization.
"Are you sure? Because I've received 'complaints' from people at the hospital, including your own wife," emphasized Dr. Glassman.
"Like what?" Shaun was hoping he didn't unintentionally offend anyone or commit a socially inappropriate act…or miss a social cue. As an autistic person who grew up often messing up at recognizing social cues and getting berated for it, he always had the fear of doing the wrong thing and getting chewed out for it. He'd gotten used to it over time, but it was still very frustrating.
"Well, they weren't really complaints, actually they were concerns. First things first," he began, sighing sadly. "Lea told me that you've been a bit distant lately."
That was true. Although he and Lea unwisely tried very hard not to love the baby too much even though it was too difficult to resist, he felt disconnected from his unborn child's mother once again…this time not sharing anything with her. Also, his libido was actually lower than it has ever been since the moments of his sexual debuts with Carly. Once Lea entered her second trimester during her last pregnancy, both her and Shaun's libidos increased.
"And it's not just Lea. You've also been very distant from me and everyone else. Your co-workers said they noticed you have been more irritable, anxious, and angry. You're not taking any interest in the surgical cases. I mean, you're still doing your duties well, but still, you've barely had any enthusiasm for any of them," Dr. Glassman continued, his face looking solemn and serious. "You're looking overwhelmed and Lea says you haven't touched your medical journals for weeks. In fact, she told me she is wondering if you're suffering from prenatal depression."
"I'm not pregnant," contradicted Shaun, in complete denial of his mental health issues. He knew that it was possible for males or a pregnant person's partner to suffer from postpartum depression, but he never saw any kind of pregnancy or postpartum mental illness happening to him…unfortunately because he was a man no matter how sexist that sounded. This was definitely a bit of internalized sexism.
"True," sighed Dr. Glassman, adjusting his glasses. "But your wife is, and it's not just women who suffer from prenatal and postpartum depression. It can happen to their partners, too. I think you need some serious help because if you don't get any help for this, things will only get worse after the baby is born. I think Lea might be needing some help, too. Lim came to me and said that both Jordan and Asher told her that you snapped and yelled at them when they asked you about your medical judgment on a surgical case. Andrews says you are mostly quieter than usual. Claire says you have been pushing her away. Park said the same thing. Nurse Villanueva is noticing this, too."
Shaun wanted to deny the fact that he was suffering from paternal depression, but he knew deep down that Lea and Dr. Glassman were probably right because he almost checked off every single box of the signs for depression. He's been a lot more tired (his sleep patterns have also changed) than usual and he'd have pain and headaches from time to time. He's had some slight changes in his appetite, too…sometimes skipping his routine meals (especially when he actually had the time to eat) and almost starving himself. Overall, he was feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and unable to cope. He was definitely experiencing the holy grail symptom of depression: loss of interest in what he loves. He'd perform his job duties, but he had completely lost interest in taking on cases he would have found interesting.
He's been trying so hard to help Lea with her self-esteem problems that he often forgot about his own well-being.
"Honestly, and I know that I don't always know what goes on in your head, but I think the loss of Lea's previous pregnancy is still hitting you hard," his mentor continued to talk before he pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Shaun. "I looked up some sources that can offer you help, and I wrote them down. Maybe you should see a therapist."
He remembered the last time Dr. Glassman pushed him to see a therapist and how that didn't end well. This time, maybe Dr. Glassman was right in this circumstance.
For the sake of his child, and also for the sake of his marriage, he needed this.
"Okay," he sighed.
"You should rest," Shaun commented as he saw Lea aggressively scrub the pan clean in the kitchen sink, wielding way too much elbow grease than necessary, looking like she was about to gag from the disgusting stains she was washing out. Her shirt (mostly the area where her belly was expanding) was wet from the soap and the sink water.
Shaun studied his pregnant wife, taking her in sight. Lea had been feeling insecure about her body (as well as her ability to be a good mother and be able to carry a fetus to term and keep it alive), but Shaun thought that she always looked beautiful.
He had been thinking about what Dr. Glassman said all day, and was wondering if Lea was feeling the same way he was. After they lost Eleanor, her grief came and went in waves, and it still was to this very day. Although he didn't express his grief outwardly, the same thing was happening to him. His grief over Steve also surfaced and resurfaced over the years.
"Shaun, I'm fine," Lea looked at Shaun as she rubbed her belly, sniffling a bit like she was cutting an onion.
He breathed softly and stepped closer towards her from behind, his hand reaching out and touching her belly lovingly, wanting to try and show her that he wanted to feel connected to her and this baby despite feeling disconnected.
"Seriously, even after they're born, what if I can't keep them alive at all?" Lea asked, sighing. "Our job is to keep them alive, and I already failed to do that with our first. What if I'm a terrible mother?"
"What happened to Eleanor wasn't any of our faults," Shaun reassured her for the umpteenth time, although he sometimes wondered if he could have done anything differently. For instance, he sometimes wished he advocated for her to be delivered at 22 weeks before the blood clots occurred, even though she wouldn't technically be considered viable, but there were documented cases of babies born at 22 weeks who survived...even though Eleanor's chances of survival would be at 55%. "And no matter what happens to our baby, you'll always be a good mother. But if I want to succeed at being a good father at this point, I'm going to have to go to therapy because Dr. Glassman thinks I have paternal depression. I think therapy would be good for me."
"Honestly, I think you should see a therapist, Shaun," agreed Lea, turning around to hug her husband tightly. She was thinking of having this conversation with Shaun at some time and already expressed her concerns about it to Dr. Glassman. "I think we should both start seeing a therapist again together because I have honestly been feeling down a lot as well. It would help us out a lot if we saw a therapist…for both of our sakes and also for the sake of this baby. They won't live a happy life if we're both miserable."
"That's true," acquiesced Shaun. "I'm here for you, Lea. I'll always be there for you and our baby. Dr. Glassman suggested that I see a therapist. I want to see one this time. I should at least try."
"I know. I'll always be there for you, too, Shaun," smiled Lea, giving him a peck on the lips. "I also think it would be good for us to see a therapist again because honestly…I'm still not over Eleanor and I hate that I'm feeling numb, too."
"Dr. Glassman says that we'll probably never get over the loss of our first baby. And Maureen and Nurse Villanueva said that we'll probably never forget either," said Shaun.
"Dr. Moran said that the meeting times are still at the exact same time and day every week, and we'll be available this week. We should go," suggested Lea.
And later on, just as planned, Shaun and Lea returned to seeing Dr. Moran again. In fact, seeing her again and talking to her about pregnancy after loss felt just as awesome and refreshing as attending the infant and pregnancy loss support group, especially since Dr. Moran experienced a lot of bumps during her journey into motherhood.
They felt like they were being heard and understood. Soon after they left their first session, Shaun thought about the first time he and Lea attended the pregnancy and infant loss support group and how hearing the experiences of the other group members (as well as sharing theirs) made them feel like they weren't alone.
Shaun and Lea were surrounded by a bunch of strangers they never met, which was one of the reasons he was against seeing a therapist in his mid-20s (part of it also had to do with the trauma of ABA therapists he faced as a child). But when he met Dr. Moran, he actually felt better because she validated his and Lea's feelings, telling them it was okay to feel what they were feeling. She recommended they go to this support group because talking with other people who went through similar experiences is something that helps.
Once everyone in the group was seated in the circle of chairs, a woman around Dr. Glassman's age with a grey pixie cut who was sitting next to Shaun was the first to speak. "Before we start, I'm going to tell everyone this. Some of us lost our babies recently, some of us lost them decades ago. Some of us are in relationships, some of us are not. Some of us already have children, some of us don't. Some of us had miscarriages or stillbirths, some of us lost our baby as a newborn. All of our experiences were different just like every birth story is different, but we're all here for the same reason: we all lost a baby or a pregnancy. Whatever emotions we are feeling, we are right to feel them. So, let's get started, and let's introduce ourselves because I do see some new faces here, and then we'll each tell our story...starting with me. And if you want, you can also tell us what you were going to name your baby if you had one picked out or if you decided to name them after you lost them. It is your choice."
Everyone nodded in unison and then let her start with the introduction.
"My name is Maureen," the woman introduced. "I work for NAMI Santa Clara County, but am thinking about retiring soon. I am happily married and I have two beautiful daughters, Heather and Stephanie, and three beautiful grandchildren who are alive and well, which I am grateful for, don't get me wrong. But I'll never get over losing my first daughter to SIDS when she was only three days old over 40 years ago. I woke up to pick her up, and she wasn't breathing. My precious angel's name was Jennifer Lynn. My husband at the time and I divorced after that. Sometimes, I feel guilty, wondering if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent Jennifer's death. At the time, the doctors said there was nothing I could have done differently, but the pediatric guidelines were different at the time, and I wonder if maybe I could have if I followed today's guidelines that weren't standard when I had children."
"I'm Tina," a woman with glasses began, tears stinging in her eyes and her glasses fogging up. "And this is my husband, James. We have been happily married for 15 wonderful years, and we've been trying to get pregnant ever since. We've been successful at conceiving six times, but all of them have ended in miscarriage, never made it past 20 weeks. The most heartbreaking thing right now is that I'm actually expecting that the next time I miss my period…it's going to turn out to be menopause instead of me being pregnant because I'm 46. My mom went through menopause at 48, and my grandmother went through it at 47. We're probably thinking of giving up pretty soon."
"We've thought about surrogacy and adoption, but it's almost just as costly as IVF, probably even more. We're starting to come to terms with the possibility that we might never have children," added James. "Honestly, I've had it up to here with people who tell us to just adopt. Tina and I would love to adopt, but it really isn't that simple."
"I'm Patricia," another older woman with greying red hair introduced nervously. "And I've been terrified of love and relationships since I lost my little Samantha Nicole in 1996. Not long after my husband died, I found out I was pregnant with his child during Christmas of 1995. I was so happy because Bruce and I had been trying for a few years. The pregnancy was easy and I was ready to be a single mom, but the birth was very difficult. While I was trying to push her out, my uterus had ruptured and my Sammy suffocated. They told me this usually happens to those who have had previous c-sections, but I've never had surgery on my uterus my entire life. I've been suffering from depression and PTSD ever since. Twice, I actually attempted ending my life. Honestly, in my own personal experience, even after menopause happens to you when you don't have children, the desire to have a child never goes away. I've thought about fostering, though."
As Patricia wept uncontrollably, Tina gently patted her shoulder while the much younger woman on the other side of Patricia hugged her tightly.
"My name is Sophia and I'm a freshman in college. I'm a psychology major," the other woman who comforted Patricia shared. She looked very young compared to everyone else, barely 20-years-old. "Even though I never planned on becoming a mother this early and originally planned to have an abortion when I discovered that I was pregnant, I was devastated when I lost my baby at 14 weeks because it was the only thing I had left of my boyfriend, Logan. He died when he was shot in a mugging, which I was there to see. I actually thought I was safe after the 12-week mark. My family told me to get over it and stop being a baby because I still have the opportunity to find love and have kids in the future and that I should focus on my education, but…right now, it feels like I lost everything. My family actually celebrated my miscarriage. I thought they would be more supportive and comforting."
As Sophia sobbed, Maureen stated her words of reassurance. "Sophia, you have every right to feel how you feel. Just because you're young doesn't mean that it's a good thing."
Then, they moved on to the next two people, whom Shaun presumed to be a couple since the man had the woman's hand in his own plus the rings on their fingers. They appeared to be around the same age as Lea and Shaun.
"I'm Oscar," the man said. "And I just came here with my wife, Elena. We've been together since our freshman year of college and we've been married for two years. We were going to have triplets, but we lost two of them - Clara Valentina and Mateo Esteban - because both of them were strangled by their umbilical cords during the birth. For Clara, the cord was wrapped around her neck very tightly; they said it was a triple nuchal cord. We still have our surviving baby, Isabela Valeria, and we love her more than anything, but we still wish we were able to take home our other two babies as well."
"Even though we were very shocked when our doctor told us we were having triplets and we also wanted only one child, the fact that we still have one living triplet doesn't magically make us get over our grief over the other two," explained Elena, in tears as she let her husband squeeze her hand, him crying along with her. "Because even though the other two babies were not what we asked for in the first place, we still fell in love with them anyway. My parents moved closer to us so they would be able to help us take care of the babies."
They then moved on to the next two people.
"I'm Georgia, and Rowan right here is my wife," a woman in her late 30s introduced herself and then referred to her wife with curtain bangs similar to Lea's. "It took five cycles of IVF for Rowan to get pregnant, and we were so happy when the fifth one was a success. Besides endometriosis for me personally, as lesbians, social infertility was something we always faced because we knew we couldn't get pregnant for free like cisgender, straight couples with no fertility issues whatsoever."
What Georgia mentioned was something Shaun and Lea had never even thought about. They knew about infertility when it came to physical reproductive issues, but they never considered the fact that it could also affect people socially such as the LGBT community and single people. Even with Shaun's social disadvantage as an autistic person, he and Lea never considered the privilege they had as a straight, cis couple when it came to having children.
"Our son was born prematurely at 24 weeks because my cervix was dilating too soon," Rowan blubbered, trying to hold back her tears. "He was considered viable, but he had too many complications. First, it was jaundice. Then, his bowel ruptured. And then finally, an intracranial hemorrhage killed him within minutes. After those harrowing days in the NICU, I felt so foolish for having hope. We named him Linus Robert. Robert was after my dad. He died of pancreatic cancer the exact day I was told that the IVF cycle had worked."
Then, it was the next couple's turn to speak.
"I'm Victor, I'm a workers rights lawyer. And this is my wife, Abby, she runs the college of social sciences at San Jose State," the next man introduced himself and his wife, who had a somber look on her face; he was rubbing her shoulder, comforting her. "We have a daughter, Charlotte, who is five. Our second child, a little boy who we were going to name Henry Parker, we lost at 32 weeks due to preeclampsia that took a turn for the worse. When it happened, I was fearful for both the lives of Abby and Henry. The worst part was telling my wife that our son didn't make it when she woke up...and then having to break the news to our family, especially Charlotte."
Abby then decided to give her voice on her own experience. "Honestly, as a sociology professor and a Black woman, I know that we are statistically more likely to die in childbirth or suffer complications. I sometimes feared that it would happen to me, especially when I was pregnant with Charlotte, although my birth experience with her was actually very empowering as I had an empathetic and devoted midwife, the nicest nurses, an encouraging doula, and an awesome husband. On the other hand, with Henry, my pregnancy was considered too high risk for a midwife, so I needed an obstetrician. He would always dismiss my concerns, calling me hysterical and told me I was overreacting and spending too much time on the internet. I thought he would take me more seriously when I told him about my terrible headaches or that my vision was blurred…but no, he didn't. All he said was, 'your blood pressure is high, but you're fine'. We sued him for neglect."
Lea remembered when Claire asked her to dig up some numbers on race-based patient treatments, and she knew about headlines mentioning the issues people of color faced in the medical system…and learning that St. Bonaventure was guilty of certain practices was even more eye-opening. Shaun himself was even becoming aware of the biases he still harbored despite his awareness of social disparities in medicine (even he himself as an autistic person did not have the best relationships with medical professionals as a patient, an example of ableism in the medical system), not only after hearing Jean's story, whose primary care physician failed to diagnose her Parkinson's disease…but also Abby's story. It was why diversity in medicine was so crucial.
"My name is Frieda, and I came here with my husband, Dan," the next woman in her mid-forties started. "I already have two teenage daughters from a previous marriage, Sydney and Avery. But Dan and I wanted to try and have just one child together. I already began experiencing complications early on in my pregnancy, which my OB said was due to my 'geriatric pregnancy'...god, I really hate that term."
Everyone in the room nodded in agreement before they let Frieda finish talking.
"At just six months, I contracted a viral infection that caused me to have a stillbirth."
"The baby was a boy, and we were going to name him Wyatt Daniel," concluded Dan, squeezing Frieda's hand as he tried to hold back his tears with his wife. "I'm grateful for my daughters, and yes, I consider Avery and Sydney as my daughters, not my stepdaughters. However, it doesn't matter whether you already have children or not, because losing a baby you wanted is devastating no matter what the context is. Sydney and Avery were devastated when we told them."
"Hello, my name is Kanish," the young man sitting next to Lea introduced himself. "And I lost my baby girl, Kamala Alexandra, from a blood clot in her umbilical cord at 35 weeks on the night of January 6, 2021. We chose that name because the fact that a woman of color, especially one who was Indian and Black like our baby was going to be, was going to be vice president was very exciting. We picked Alexandra as a middle name because it means 'defender'. We decided to induce labor so we could have a chance to hold her, but I wish we did not turn on the TV in the hospital room to watch the news while Imani was in labor, because that pretty much made things worse for us. After that, we grew more distant from each other and split up. Later, she died in a car accident."
When everyone in the room, including Shaun and Lea, heard the exact date that Kanish mentioned, they gasped, immediately realizing that it must have been one of the worst days to lose a baby. Without hesitating, Lea reached her arm out and patted Kanish on the shoulder. His baby girl suffered the exact same complication that her and Shaun's baby girl succumbed to.
When their turn to talk came around, Shaun and Lea hesitated for a bit, but then Shaun decided to let Lea do the talking and telling of their story.
"I'm Lea, and this is my boyfriend, Shaun," she began, taking his arm into her own hand. "We both work at San Jose St. Bonaventure Hospital. Shaun is a surgeon, and I'm head of the IT department. At the beginning of the year, I found out I was pregnant, and we decided to keep the baby. 22 weeks into my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with type II vasa previa. The doctors were able to fix it, but then I suffered from a pulmonary embolism, and then it was discovered that another blood clot occurred in our daughter's umbilical cord. She slowly suffocated and died in my belly. Sometimes, I feel like a failure for losing her."
Some of the women in the room nodded with Lea in agreement.
"We named her Eleanor Grace," added Shaun, feeling a tear come from his eye. "As a doctor, I sometimes wonder if there was anything different I could have done and convinced my colleagues to do, but there was nothing I could do...or was allowed to do...because doctors aren't allowed to treat their family, and that includes their significant others and the mother of their child."
Throughout the meeting, they all talked about their feelings regarding their experience, even making new friends with everybody.
Overall, joining the support group did help (and seeing their therapist was hopefully going to help, too)…because everyone in the group agreed that they would never get over losing their babies. Most of them all just met, but they understood each other's pain.
After the meeting with Dr. Moran, Shaun and Lea were sitting on their couch, surfing Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Roku, Disney+ (the best way to access most of the best kid movies, now that there was going to be one running around the apartment), and whatever streaming services they had for a movie to watch together. Doing something together as a couple was something Dr. Moran suggested they do to take their minds off their anxiety besides talking about it and facing it.
However, as parents-to-be who also endured a devastating pregnancy loss, there were now certain movies they couldn't sit through anymore. For example, the last time Lea was pregnant, they made the mistake of watching Saving Private Ryan. Two particular scenes were too much for them. First, it was the D-Day scene where a soldier was lying on the ground with his guts hanging out and crying for his mother. Second, it was Doc Wade's death as he cried out for his mother while bleeding to death.
"What about The Invisible Man?" Shaun suggested. "You always wanted to see that, but then COVID shut everything down."
"No, no psychological horror movies," sighed Lea, gently resting her hands on her belly. "I'm actually more interested in seeing Little Women. I heard that this version is pretty good."
"Okay," nodded Shaun, about to press buttons on the remote to get to the 'search' box, but then was interrupted by Lea frantically grabbing his free hand and putting it over her belly, moving it around.
At first, Shaun was confused why Lea did that, but then he realized why as soon as he felt a slight jolt come from her belly. The baby was kicking, and he could actually feel it this time.
"Can you feel it, Shaun?" Lea bubbled as she placed her hands on top of Shaun's. She was aware that other people would be able to feel the baby move around this time (both of the times she was pregnant), so she wanted to allow Shaun to feel it.
"Yes, I can," he replied with a smile.
Although their original plan was to make themselves miserable the whole pregnancy, at this very moment, they decided to take Dr. Glassman's and Dr. Moran's advice to at least try and enjoy the little milestones and be present for as many moments as they could. Throughout this whole pregnancy, they were so caught up in their pessimism that they forgot about how euphoric of an experience it was when they felt Eleanor move.
Maybe this time, Shaun might feel this baby move more than just once.
Now that they were back to seeing a therapist and allowing a bit of positivity in this crucial moment of their lives (instead of just waiting to lose the baby), they were probably finally finding perfect ways to balance their negative and positive emotions and manage their depression and anxiety.
Shaun softly let out a bubbly laugh and kissed Lea's belly in the exact spot where he felt the baby move, tears stinging his eyes as Lea wrapped her arms around him.
They were so caught up in this joyful milestone that they forgot that they were looking for a movie to watch.
Healing from paternal and prenatal depression was going to be a slow process for Shaun and Lea, but they were going to get there with all the help they could get.
Maybe things could turn out alright.
AN: I hope you all appreciated that I also made Shaun suffer from prenatal depression, because believe it or not, it can affect males (or a pregnant person's partner), too. Also, keep in mind that Shaun and Lea have not yet healed from their mental health issues (and there will be more bumps in the road later) and they are still not over their previous loss (hence the title of this whole work). Let me know what you think of this chapter.