Chapter Summary: Shaun and Lea continue to feel distressed.
AN: Sorry it took longer to update than you're used to. With it being early August and with the school year starting again soon, I'm doing back-to-school training and back-to-school meetings. Anyway, here is another chapter and I hope you all enjoy :)
Shaun and Lea have officially been parents for about a month now with Violet being six weeks old. She was starting to coo and gurgle. Also, she would sometimes lift her head up during tummy time or whenever she was held on her parents' chest.
They only had six weeks left of family leave before they would return to work and drop off Violet at daycare, so they were trying to enjoy as much of the time off as they had left while they still could; although maternity and paternity leave wasn't a vacation or a luxury like some ignorant people unfortunately believed. The Family Medical Leave Act was passed around the time they were born, but Shaun was born a year before the law was passed and Lea's mom had her a month before the law was officially passed when she was already not covered. The law had been around for a year when Steve was born, but it didn't apply to his and Shaun's mother since she had been working at her workplace with less than 50 employees for less than a year. Dr. Glassman didn't have the opportunity to take time off either. Shaun and Lea were lucky that not only had FMLA applied to both of them to take 12 weeks off, and also lucky that California law offered both of them up to eight weeks of partial pay.
However, even trying to find some "vacation-like" moments was difficult right now since Violet has been pretty colicky lately for a few weeks. For both Shaun and Lea, it had been pretty hard for them to successfully soothe her, and it was extremely frustrating.
Two days ago, Shaun even took Violet to Dr. Lewin to see if there was anything wrong with her medically despite having no fever or signs of illness. Just as expected, she found nothing wrong with Violet and told him that she just had colic.
Shaun still wasn't convinced, so he even had Morgan and Dr. Glassman examine her for second and third opinions…yet they told him the exact same thing Dr. Lewin told him: that she was fine and she just had colic. She had no cold, no ear infection, no whooping cough, no malnourishment, no nothing; just colic.
So, he and Lea just had to live with it.
The fact that Violet wasn't yet vaccinated for rotavirus, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles, mumps, rubella, chickenpox, and a lot of other deadly things terrified Shaun, especially with all the anti-vaxxers out there whose decision not to vaccinate their children could not only endanger their lives, but also the lives of others. This was why another good thing about living in California was that it had a law mandating vaccines with no religious or philosophical exemptions. He didn't want Violet going to school with unvaccinated children.
Speaking of the pediatrician and vaccines, Violet had an appointment next week where she was receiving her second dose of her vaccine for Hepatitis B.
Right now in the middle of the day while Violet was quiet on one of those rare occasions, Shaun and Lea were sitting on the couch watching TV with the volume turned down low.
The couple eyed the sleeping little girl in her bouncer, which was now activating in swing mode. The swing gently rocked side to side as it softly and soothingly hummed "Brahms' Lullaby".
The corner of Violet's mouth formed into a quick smile, which did cause Lea to smile a little bit at that beautiful sight even though Shaun told her it was still probably just a reflex.
"Although at this moment in her development, it's starting to be for real and not just because of the smiling reflex or gas," he clarified.
Lea giggled a little in response.
They continued to watch TV, hoping it would distract them for a bit from their negative thoughts - thoughts they unfortunately haven't yet shared with each other.
Shaun and Lea were having scary, intrusive, and invasive thoughts that they didn't want to have. They had unsettling thoughts about hurting or killing Violet.
One time while giving Violet a bath, Shaun had this horrible thought of filling up the infant tub with more water and then submerging her entire head and body to drown her. Sometimes when she cried as he held her in his arms, he had meddlesome thoughts of throwing her against the wall or towards the ground and breaking her neck - the exact ways that Steve and his rabbit died (one of the deaths even being caused by his violent, abusive father). He felt like a monster for having those thoughts, afraid of turning into his father.
Sometimes while watching her sleep motionless and peacefully like an angel in her bassinet, Lea had this horrible thought of suffocating Violet with one of the pillows from her and Shaun's bed. Another time while she and Shaun were taking a walk around the block with her in the stroller, invasive thoughts of pushing the stroller into the street right in the path of an oncoming bus clouded her head.
No matter how much they tried not to think about them, it was hard to push those thoughts to the side and forget about them. They were even afraid to tell each other as they felt too guilty and embarrassed to confess thinking about doing those things to their precious baby girl, which was ironic considering the fact that they were always honest with each other.
Lea felt like a terrible person for thinking about harming her daughter when she spent two pregnancies dreaming of motherhood and holding a teeny blue-eyed baby in her arms, especially after losing the first one and planning the second one. She wanted to call her mom and ask if this was normal, but she was too afraid of receiving judgment from her mother.
Shaun wanted a child of his own since he delivered a baby in a quarantined ER, and when Lea became pregnant with his baby for the first time, he was shocked but excited. He was devastated when he and Lea lost Eleanor because he wanted that baby so bad. Now that he finally had a child he always wanted, he couldn't fathom how thoughts of physically hurting her were taking over. He couldn't even identify his feelings and emotions right now.
They hated having these thoughts and they were afraid to not only share them with each other, but also others that were close to them for a fear of them thinking that they were bad parents…even Shaun.
Later in the middle of the night, Shaun and Lea continued to struggle with getting Violet to stop crying.
This was a situation they kept finding themselves in almost every damn day and night. Even though they knew that deep down she was crying for no reason because that's what colic was by definition (Shaun already knew that as a doctor), they still tried to look for possible, fixable explanations for her screaming and fussiness.
The fact that they also had Beryl, the curmudgeon from next door, constantly knocking on their door and telling them to "get that brat under control" made the entire situation worse and more stressful and overwhelming for them.
At one of those moments, Shaun actually angrily told Beryl to "just shut up, go wear some damn earplugs, and leave us alone".
Violet didn't have a fever because Shaun checked her temperature four different ways - aurally, under the armpit, no-touch, and rectally (yes, he actually had four different thermometers in his home) - and it was all the same readings at normal, healthy body temperature. Violet definitely wasn't hungry because they always fed her the right amount at the right times on a strict schedule. She wasn't being overfed either because she didn't spit up too much, she wasn't vomiting after eating, and she wasn't too gassy. She didn't need to be burped because they already tried burping her too many times. She wasn't overstimulated because every light in the apartment was either off or dimmed and they always kept the volume of things low. She didn't need a diaper change because her diaper was clean and dry and they also already changed her diaper a few minutes ago. She didn't have diaper rash and Shaun always made sure he and Lea were changing her diapers and wiping her properly with fresh, clean cloth wipes and diapers. She also wasn't too hot or too cold because they have tried warming her up and cooling her down multiple times yet still failing to get her to stop crying.
They tried walking with her and rocking her in the glider. They tried singing and talking to her. They tried offering her a pacifier, but she continued to cry. They tried taking her for a ride in the travel system. They tried holding her close to their bodies while taking warm, deep breaths. They tried patting and rubbing her back. They tried giving her a warm bath. They tried putting her in the baby swing that she seemed to like. They tried taking her for a drive so the vibration and movement of the car would calm her. They even tried playing soothing, classical music like Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach.
"Babies are supposed to cry because they need something," moaned Lea as she tried to get Violet to settle down and be quiet, keeping herself calm and holding down her awful and ashamed-of wish to violently shake the baby. "What do you want?"
"They can also cry for no reason," uttered Shaun frustratingly as he ruffled his hair before offering a not-so-helpful suggestion. "Maybe she's bored? Maybe she's tired?"
"If she's so damn tired, then why won't she fucking sleep!" Lea yelled and snapped. "If you're such the baby expert, why don't you try and shut her up before Beryl the Bitch knocks on our door again!"
Lea handed Violet to Shaun before immediately apologizing to him for yelling at him and then to Violet for saying "shut up".
"I'm so sorry. Oh, god! I'm a terrible mother!" Lea sobbed, plopping herself on the couch. "I'm pretty sure I was almost close to shaking her!"
Shaun just sat next to her on the couch (Violet still in his arms) as he reached for his phone defeatedly. "I'm calling Dr. Glassman."
They needed some assistance right now.
Dr. Glassman pounded on Shaun and Lea's apartment door, a little pissed off that it was 2:00 in the morning and he had to wake up from a peaceful and dreamful sleep just to help them after receiving a desperate call. However, Shaun sounded pretty distressed over the phone when he called, especially since he could hear Violet bawling in the background as well as Lea's noises of distress.
Help and extra support were urgently needed for the entire family of three.
Lea immediately answered the door and quickly creaked it open, hyperventilating and looking exhausted to death. It wasn't long before she immediately hugged Dr. Glassman and broke down.
"I got so mad that I told her to shut up! I yelled at her!" She sobbed uncontrollably and then broke away from him. "Should she be crying this much?"
"Maybe, but…are you two alright?" He asked worriedly, concerned for the parents' well-being as he noticed Shaun frantically pacing around the apartment with a screaming beet red Violet in his arms, desperately trying to get her to stop crying.
"She won't stop crying!" Shaun exasperated loudly as he rocked Violet and gently patted her back. "We've tried everything and she won't be quiet! She has no fever, she has a clean diaper, and she's been fed and she doesn't need to be burped! We even tried to make everything less stimulating!"
"Okay, okay, just give her to me for a while and sit down," he offered, reaching his arms out towards Shaun to take the baby. "You two just need to sit down and take a break for a bit. I'll see if I can do something."
Shaun then gently transferred Violet into Dr. Glassman's arms.
Once Dr. Glassman walked into Shaun and Lea's bedroom, he soothed and cooed at the little girl, shushing her and calming her down. He then swaddled her with the swaddle blanket that was sitting on the bed before gently placing her on her back in her bassinet. When he checked to see if the swaddle wasn't too tight, he then turned out the lights and then sat on the bed for ten minutes before Violet finally started to quiet down and then fall asleep.
When he walked out of the bedroom, he saw Shaun and Lea staring at him with numbness and possibly jealousy. They suddenly felt like Violet hated them and loved Dr. Glassman more because she stopped crying quicker when he tended to her…even though it took him ten minutes to calm her down.
"Have you tried swaddling her and then putting her in her bassinet?" Dr. Glassman inquired before giving them important advice. "Because if you're ever in a situation like this again, just swaddle her and then put her in her bassinet before you accidentally drop her. However, are you two doing okay? You sounded pretty distressed over the phone."
"No, we didn't," replied Shaun, folding his hands together and feeling silly for not thinking about doing what Dr. Glassman just did.
"I hate the newborn stage," Lea admitted with guilt as she wiped a tear from her eye. "I knew what I was getting myself into both times I was pregnant, but I still hate it. I feel like I have made a terrible mistake and I have been so paranoid feeling like someone is out to get me."
"Violet is exhausting and frustrating," confessed Shaun, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Lea and I wanted a baby and we got one. Therefore, we should be grateful we have one and enjoy every moment we can, but it is hard to."
"Well, welcome to parenthood," sighed Dr. Glassman followed by a yawn. "But it's okay if you don't like the newborn stage. You don't have to enjoy every moment of being a parent."
"That's what Dr. Park said," shared Shaun as he stared off into space with his bloodshot eyes. "He said that he misses when Kellan was little and tiny but he doesn't miss changing his diapers or enduring his tantrums and meltdowns in the middle of the grocery store. But that's not what this is really about. My brain isn't behaving the way I want it to."
"Shaun, what do you mean?" Dr. Glassman asked, listening carefully and also worried especially because of Lea saying she thinks she has made a terrible mistake and the fact that she was experiencing paranoia as well as Shaun saying that his brain wasn't behaving the way he wanted it to.
Shaun wanted to confess to his mentor about his intrusive thoughts and although he knew that over half of all new mothers report having them, he still hesitated to share due to shame.
Lea also wanted to confess but she felt too contrite, already feeling like a complete failure.
"Nevermind," sighed Shaun. "I'm just tired and I want to go to bed."
"Me, too," agreed Lea, copying Shaun by getting up from the couch.
"Are you sure?" Dr. Glassman questioned with absolute worry. "You guys can tell me if something is bothering you. Were you about to tell me something serious? Because that's exactly what it looked like you were going to do."
"No, I wasn't!" Shaun spluttered as he ruffled his hair. "Thank you, you can go home now. We don't need you anymore right now! Violet's quiet now and asleep!"
"Are you sure you're sure?" Dr. Glassman asked with concern. "Because if you're still depressed…"
"Yes, I'm sure!" Shaun snapped, pushing Dr. Glassman towards the door. "Just go home! Go home! You have to work tomorrow!"
"Okay, okay, I'm going," Dr. Glassman walked out nervously, still concerned about Shaun and Lea's mental health regarding the behavior he just witnessed coming from them.
The next day when Aaron arrived at the hospital clinic late and tired due to oversleeping, he was immediately greeted by a pissed-off Morgan.
"It's about time! You're 45 minutes late! What took you so long?" Morgan asked, sighing in complete frustration and pinching her nose. "I had to get one of the nurses to cover for you! Also, one of the patients had projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea all over the waiting room restroom earlier and then passed out in his own diarrhea. It was pretty gross. It's still being cleaned up because it was pretty bad."
"Morgan, that's pretty disgusting. And sorry, I overslept," yawned Aaron after he cringed at the event Morgan informed him about. "Shaun called me at 2:00 in the morning because he and Lea were so overwhelmed with Violet that they could have dropped her. I had to go to their apartment and stop them from falling apart. They were pretty distraught and their neighbor has been on their asses about the baby crying too much."
"Oh," Morgan said with a sense of guilt, knowing how overwhelmed the new parents had been with the colicky baby since Shaun had her examine Violet a few days ago to see if there was anything wrong with her. Considering that they lost their first baby, Shaun wanting additional check-ups and opinions from other doctors that weren't the pediatrician was understandable. "Was everything okay?"
"Yeah," sighed Aaron, motionlessly staring at the screen of the tablet in his hands as he reviewed some patient files. "But I don't think Shaun and Lea are okay mentally."
"What makes you think that?" Morgan asked, sounding just as concerned as he was.
"Well, Lea told me she thinks she made a terrible mistake…" Dr. Glassman began before Morgan interrupted to share her thoughts.
"Well, some parents have confessed that they grew to regret having children," mentioned Morgan, shrugging her shoulders, hoping that wasn't the case with Lea or Shaun. They really wanted a baby.
"That's not everything. You didn't let me finish," continued Dr. Glassman. "She also said that she feels like someone is out to get her. Shaun also said his brain wasn't behaving the way he wanted it to. To be honest, I think one of them might be having invasive thoughts about hurting the baby. Maybe both of them are."
"What makes you think that?" Morgan asked, starting to get worried.
"Well, when I asked Shaun what he meant by that, he just cut himself off and then told me to go back home," replied Dr. Glassman as he and Morgan walked down the halls of the clinic.
"Claire said she is kind of worried about them and is wondering if one of them has postpartum depression. She also thinks they both might have it…and I'm thinking that she might be right. When she and Asher brought them food, Shaun and Lea admitted that they were feeling sad and moody, but they kept brushing it off as baby blues. Claire doesn't think so because Lea said she feels hopeless and overwhelmed. However, Claire also thinks that she might be overstepping or overreacting a bit. She's afraid of being a bit too nosy or overthinking things. She says she's kind of afraid of convincing them to get help because when she tried to get Dr. Lim help for her PTSD, she just made Dr. Lim even more angry. She's afraid of making things worse," explained Morgan.
"I don't blame her," sighed Dr. Glassman sadly. "Shaun can be pretty stubborn, and the first time I tried to make him go to therapy, it did not go well. However, he did take my advice when I told him to get help for paternal depression and he and Lea did take Claire's advice in getting therapy and joining a support group when they lost their baby. Maybe they want to figure this out on their own?"
"Maybe," guessed Morgan, hoping that was the case, but highly doubting it. "But they shouldn't have to struggle and fight this by themselves. There has to be some way to help them without, I don't know, overdoing it?"
"Probably, but we'll have to see what we can do. I don't want things to get worse behind our backs," agreed Aaron.
Later during his lunch break, Aaron went over to Dr. Lim's office to ask her for advice on what to do to help Shaun and Lea without interfering too much or overstepping because he knew that bribery wasn't going to help them at all. He asked her how she would have preferred someone to get help for her.
"Here is the best advice I can give, and I'm sorry to say that I don't know if this is really is the best advice because I never experienced PPD and because I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist," sighed Dr. Lim sadly, aware of how much Shaun and Lea have changed a bit since they lost their first baby. "I'm just as worried, which is why I'm actually going to start sending them links to getting a diagnosis as well as helplines and links to support groups. That's the best I can do for now and I can't really force them to do it; just have them think about it. To be honest, admitting you need help is difficult. I just hope they do it before things get worse and they end up hurting themselves."
That night, Aaron and Audrey sent those links to Shaun and Lea via text messages. They also texted them some advice, telling them to call them if they needed any help.
AN: Please review and share your thoughts about this chapter in the comments, especially with people at the hospital being worried about Lea and Shaun, especially because things will continue to get worse. Their relationship will survive, but not without the current bump in the road :(