Chapter Summary: Another wave of grief hits Shaun and Lea when a significant date arrives.

AN: So, I'm trying to enjoy my last week of summer vacation before the school year starts…which isn't really going to be a vacation for us teachers since it will involve more trainings, but them being on Zoom means that I at least don't have to go leave my home at least. I'm going to tell you all this. I myself have depression and anxiety in general and have dealt with it since I was 12, and I sometimes have denied that I needed help and kept stupidly telling myself it would go away on its own. That's kind of what Shaun and Lea are dealing with in their thoughts. In addition, I also did a little bit of minor editing to a couple of paragraphs and words of Chapter 13 since I realized a little too late that I had forgotten another detail I wanted to add.

It was a beautiful noon and early afternoon at Del Monte Park, where Shaun and Lea had taken a walk from their apartment with Violet in the stroller segment of her travel system. Since she was born, they have been walking her around the neighborhood and to the park.

As Shaun and Lea sat on the picnic blanket while Violet lay around and wiggled during her tummy time, they viewed the beauty of the green space areas of the park as well as the birds flying and hanging around, local squirrels and rabbits roaming, dogs running around with their owners or being walked, children playing on the play lot, adults and teens having conversations on the benches, people walking in and out of the restrooms, friends and families playing soccer or frisbee, and people playing table tennis.

They had two weeks left of family leave before they would go back to work, which was going to be on October 31st. Shaun loved Violet even more than he loved Lea, but sometimes he felt disconnected from her and Lea because of his depression and anxiety, so he was slightly enthusiastic about returning to work and distracting himself from his negative feelings, hoping it would help a bit the way it distracted him from the stillbirth. Lea, on the other hand, wished her maternity leave would be a bit longer than 12 weeks…maybe for a few more weeks, maybe for one more month, maybe a year, or maybe forever and for eternity.

Starting tomorrow, Violet was going to be ten weeks old, and she was already two months old.

At her appointment with Dr. Lewin next week, she was going to be receiving her first doses of immunizations for RV, DTaP, Hib, PCV13, and IPV. Basically, she was going to get vaccinated for rotavirus, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, type B influenza H, pneumococcus, and polio. There were many more vaccines she was going to be receiving in the future.

Shaun and Lea were also tracking Violet's development. She still wasn't sleeping through the night yet, but it would hopefully be in a matter of a few weeks or a month. She wasn't crawling quite yet, so she was still a jerky roly-poly infant. Her soft spot was also starting to close up. While she has also cooed and gurgled sometimes, she wasn't a super smiley baby that liked to make eye contact, which was apparently a sign of autism in babies.

Speaking of that, Pam and Mike would not stop sending her links to articles about signs of autism in babies and toddlers, and it was really irritating her and Shaun. Sure, Violet was probably showing the "signs of autism in babies" symptoms, but instead of freaking out like some parents might, Shaun and Lea were more like "meh" because those signs still seemed a bit inconclusive and they weren't going to know if she was officially autistic until she was old enough to get diagnosed, and now was definitely too early. In addition, they were already preparing themselves for the possibility of a disabled child.

Aside from their daughter's health and development, Shaun and Lea had also confessed to each other about their stressful thoughts regarding hurting Violet as well as their sleep disturbances as soon as they received texts from Dr. Lim and Dr. Glassman about the links and hotlines for postpartum mental illness. Unfortunately, they still continued to try and brush them aside, foolishly thinking all of their depression and anxiety would go away on its own.

They were also receiving some texts and calls of concern and consideration from their friends and colleagues, especially Dr. Glassman, Claire, and Dr. Lim. They were asking them if things were going okay for them and if they thought about getting help.

Although Shaun and Lea shared their feelings with each other, they kind of lied to their friends and colleagues by saying that they were already seeing a therapist - or at least thinking about it - while continuing to deny that they needed help. However, the couple did recommend to each other to get help, but they were both stubborn in response. Since Violet was born, they've been canceling appointments with Dr. Moran because they were too exhausted from taking care of her.

Besides the depression and anxiety that still lingered around in both of them, another upsetting thing on their minds was that today was a very significant day and month because today and this month would have probably been the birthday of someone whom they dearly loved.

Anniversaries as well as birthdays and death dates of loved ones were facts that they preferred to permanently ingrain into their minds and memory.

September 1st was the day Shaun's rabbit was killed by his father, but Shaun didn't know the day that Buttercup was born. August 7th was Steve's birthday and September 13th was the anniversary of his death. Lea forgot the birth dates of her maternal grandparents, but she did remember that April 14th was Grandpa Rod's death day and that May 1st was Grandma Eleanor's death day. They didn't remember the birthdays of Dr. Melendez and Nurse Petringa, but they did remember that their dates of death were February 5th and May 30th. June 8th was the anniversary of the day that Baby Eleanor succumbed to a blood clot in her umbilical cord…and she didn't have a birthday because their beloved angel never got to take her first breath.

It was October, the month that Baby Eleanor was supposed to be born. She would have been turning one this month or maybe even today if she wasn't stillborn (that is, if Lea carried to term). It was also the 15th of October, which wasn't just Eleanor's due date, but also pregnancy and infant loss awareness day and month.

Because of this, another wave of grief over their first daughter was hitting them hard even after their rainbow baby was born without any dire complications. It was even harder for them as well as even more anxiety-inducing when the first anniversary of the stillbirth occurred, in which Lea was 33 weeks pregnant at the time.

At this moment as they sat on the picnic blanket with Violet at the park, one of the only things Shaun and Lea could think about was all the possibilities they could have had with Eleanor and all the things they imagined doing with her, especially with her little Dr. Ted. Of course they were going to be able to experience all of those things they dreamed about with Violet and her little Dr. Duckling, (although they didn't love Violet any less) but their grief over Eleanor was always going to be present.

The remaining 18 weeks plus one of Lea's second pregnancy were 18 weeks plus one or two that weren't achieved with Eleanor. The birth plan and the items from their baby registry that they got for Violet were originally supposed to be for Eleanor as the only items they got her were a teddy bear and a pair of socks. The 12 weeks they were taking off to spend time with Violet were also going to be used to spend time with Eleanor. Birthdays never to be had by Eleanor were going to be met by Violet. Milestones achieved by Violet were never going to be achieved by Eleanor. The empty chair beside their living baby should be filled, but it would never be because a rainbow baby wasn't a replacement for the baby that was lost.

It all just seemed so unfair.

"It smells like dog poop now," noted Shaun, wrinkling his nose in disgust as he interrupted his and Lea's thoughts surrounding their daughters by changing the subject. "A bulldog pooped on an area not too far from us and their owner didn't pick up the poop. That was very irresponsible because it will not break down on its own and it is full of bacteria like e. coli and parasites like hookworms. So, I hope that dog has been dewormed."

"That is true," sighed Lea, sick of the irresponsible dog owners and feeling bad for the people who had to pick it up. Del Monte wasn't just a public playground for children to play at, but it was also considered to be a dog park. It was the park closest to their apartment.

"However, the nature and green space around here is beautiful because I like the smell of the trees over there," observed Shaun, pointing towards the rows of trees that were a few feet away from them. "It kind of reminds me of the backyard I grew up in. It's good that Violet has some green space and nature places to visit."

Lea agreed with Shaun as they both watched Violet squirm on her back and reach her arm up for Dr. Duckling as Shaun waved the security blanket around her face.

"Maybe we should see a therapist," suggested Lea solemnly, getting back to the point of their invasive thoughts. "Or at least think about it. When we come around to it, we might set up an appointment. However, let's at least try to enjoy this moment with Violet."

"Yes. She's not going to be little forever," agreed Shaun. "We should cherish it. That's what Dr. Glassman said about parenthood."

Once Shaun and Lea got home from the park, Violet decided that she was hungry…and it was definitely close to feeding time for the little one.

Once both Lea and Violet were comfortable enough and also once Violet latched onto Lea's nipple to feed, Lea grabbed her phone and then checked her Instagram and also her Facebook feed while breastfeeding.

As Lea scrolled through her social media, what she saw was mostly the usual stuff about voting in the midterm elections, posts from organizations she followed, and also her friends and family and colleagues sharing their lives. Another thing she was seeing were posts related to October holidays such as Halloween. Also in Lea's feed were things related to October's month-long observances such as breast cancer, cybersecurity, domestic violence, arts and humanities, work and family, Filipino-American history, Italian-American heritage and culture, infertility, and SIDS.

However, there was one particular trend in her feed that was catching her eye: pregnancy and infant loss.

She noticed that her and Shaun's friends from the infant and pregnancy loss support group were sharing their stories and posts about losing a baby because of this significant day of October 15th and also because of this significant month of October. She has also seen them post similar things on their lost babies' supposed due dates and also the dates they lost them. Some of them were posting new things today and some of them were reposting something they posted at least one year ago.

Tina tagged James in a long Facebook post about their grief over how they were never going to become parents like they always dreamed of. "Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of becoming a mom," wrote Tina. "Unfortunately, that dream will never happen because last month, I went through menopause after a total of six failed pregnancies. I was really hoping that I was pregnant." She then continued to talk about each of her miscarriages, which occurred at 12 weeks twice, 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 17 weeks, and 19 weeks. Out of all the six babies she lost, only two of them could have the sex determined with a naked eye. Both of them were male, and she never named them.

Oscar and Elena tagged each other in their post as well. They posted a photo of Elena at seven weeks pregnant (in which her belly was a bit bigger than Lea's was when she was at that stage in all three of her total pregnancies), which was a picture of her and Oscar holding the sonogram picture presenting three embryos. Right after that picture was a picture of the couple with their one-year-old daughter, Isabela. "When we arrived at the hospital on May 12th for Elena's scheduled c-section, we were anticipating the arrival of Isabela, Clara, and Mateo," wrote Oscar. "But we only got to leave the hospital with Isabela." They continued to talk about how the life of one multiple didn't eradicate grief for the siblings who died, even if you never wanted to have three kids or even two.

Rowan and Georgia also tagged each other in a photo they shared of them at the bedside of their ailing preemie, Linus - so tiny, fragile, and weak as he was hooked up in an incubator to a lot of hooks, wires, tubes, and monitors. They also showed another photo of the both of them holding his tiny corpse in a blanket, sobbing as they grieved the loss of their beloved son. In addition to the photos, they also shared their story as an emotional journey of going through five rounds of IVF as well as their experience as NICU moms whose baby didn't make it.

Dan and Frieda tagged each other in a family photo series (nobody was smiling or posing in the typical "happy family" pose; instead, their facial expressions showed that they were mourning and grieving, all of them wearing black and dressed like they had gone to a funeral) of them, their two teenage daughters, and their son's ashes in an urn. There was also a photo of their daughters, Avery and Sydney, with Baby Wyatt's ashes. "Yes, this is our family photo," wrote Frieda. "It has been a year since we lost Wyatt. This was taken on July 1st, which would have been his due date. We were attending an infant and pregnancy loss support group at the time."

Maureen posted a picture of her younger self in the late 1970s holding a one-day-old Jennifer and also pictures of her younger self in the 1980s with her two subsequent daughters, Heather and Stephanie, as newborns. She wrote about how she will never get over losing her first baby and how having another baby and another one after that (or even having three grandchildren decades later) didn't get rid of her grief. "You never get over losing a child," she wrote. "You might assume that I have only two daughters, but I actually will always consider myself as a mother of three girls."

Abby and Victor posted their pictures from Abby's maternity photoshoot for her second pregnancy. One of the photos contained Abby, Victor, and little Charlotte leaning her head against her mother's swollen belly and kissing it; both of her parents looking lovingly at their daughter's love and affection for her unborn brother. "I was only 30 weeks into my pregnancy with Henry when this photo was taken," wrote Abby. "This is our only photo together as a whole family. Two weeks later, everything came crashing down because my doctor refused to listen to me." She then finished the post by encouraging patients to advocate for themselves and to trust their instincts if they know that something is obviously wrong. She and Victor also talked about social bias in medicine and medical malpractice and neglect.

Patricia posted a photo of her deceased daughter's grave. It was a heart-shaped tombstone that had her baby's full name engraved as well as the date that she lost her - 30th August 1996. A praying cherub and a teddy bear were also inscribed into Samantha's tombstone. Samantha was buried next to her father, Bruce, who died not long before Patricia found out she was pregnant. "If she didn't die while I was giving birth to her, Samantha would have turned 26 in August. She could be getting her master's degree or PhD right now or possibly getting married or having a child of her own. She could even be moving forward in her career. Whatever would have happened, I can never stop imagining all the great things she could have done," she wrote. "Till this day, I'm still traumatized by this as well as the death of my husband and have been battling clinical depression and PTSD ever since. To any parents who are suffering PTSD from a traumatic birth or the death of a baby, you're not alone."

Kanish posted a photo of him and Imani holding their stillborn daughter in their arms in the hospital, sobbing and mourning the loss of their little Kamala as they were tenderly kissing her forehead and holding her tight. "Kamala Alexandra, just know that Daddy will always miss you and that I will always miss your mommy," he wrote. "January 6th honors the day I lost you, but October 15th is the day that honors both you and other babies like you." Kanish continued to talk about his grief throughout the rest of his post.

Although Sophia did have a Facebook account, she never used it; she was more active on Instagram. However, she did comment on an article about miscarriages, talking about her experience in having one at barely the age of 20.

They were all liking each other's posts…and Lea liked all of them, except she didn't post anything about her and Shaun's experience.

Lea also noticed that Nurse Villanueva posted about the two miscarriages she had before her son was born. "Although Danilo was my first baby, he was my third pregnancy," she wrote in her post. "Now, he is a happy five-year-old."

Shaun was probably one of the only people Lea knew who didn't have any social media accounts. Lea had Instagram and Facebook, but she didn't post to Facebook or Instagram that much except to change her profile pictures and she only had accounts so she could have access to read other posts. Right now, her current profile pictures were her and Shaun at their wedding.

Once Violet was done with being fed, Lea handed her over to Shaun to burp her.

That late afternoon, Lea was lying awake in the living room channel surfing and watching TV as Shaun was taking a nap in the bedroom while Violet was asleep in the pack 'n' play bassinet.

Unbeknownst to Shaun, Lea had pulled Eleanor's urn from the closet and then cradled the vase of ashes in her arms.

"Happy birthday, berry," she sobbed, crying herself to sleep with the urn in her arms. "I promise that our peanut isn't a replacement."

Meanwhile in the other room, Shaun stared at Violet in her bassinet. Lea thought he was asleep, but he wasn't. Instead, he was talking quietly to Violet.

"I only wanted one child. But, honestly, I wish I had both you and your sister," he said to the baby, still lying down on his side as he glared at his precious baby girl. Even though she couldn't understand what he, Lea, or anyone else said, Shaun still talked to her. He also thought about the moment the anniversary of Eleanor's death arrived and how that created a huge resurfacing wave of grief for him and Lea.

Shaun often had the habit of waking up during the middle of the night or in between naps, and tonight was no exception. He rolled over half-awake to put his arm around Lea, only to realize that she wasn't in bed next to him.

"Lea?" He asked sleepily, getting out of the bed and searching around the apartment for her until he found his 33-weeks pregnant wife in the baby's nursery with the lights on, sitting in the glider as she furiously rocked back and forth; aggressively clutching Dr. Duckling and the blanket that Debbie made.

"Lea?" Shaun asked again, walking into the nursery (also her old roomie bedroom) and then taking steps closer to her as he rubbed his eyes.

"Nobody can have these things. They're for the baby," Lea murmured, clutching the two items tightly over her extremely gravid belly. "They'll always be for the baby and only the baby even after she is dead."

Shaun couldn't quite understand what Lea meant with her words, but it was 2:00 in the morning and her eyes looked like she hadn't slept. In addition, she was also crying; probably hormones.

"How long have you been up?" Shaun asked, concerned.

"I haven't been to bed yet. She won't stop kicking," replied Lea with a sigh. She clasped her hands over her belly and then looked wide-eyed at the floor. "My face is so disgusting and so is my hair."

It took Shaun a moment to try and come up with an answer for that. In his honest opinion, she did look slightly different compared to the way she looked prior to both of her pregnancies…but he never thought she was hideous or disgusting. He just continued to look at her, wondering what he should say to make her feel better or at least come back to bed.

"You're beautiful, and you have always been beautiful," Shaun finally replied with honesty, but that probably wasn't what this was all about. Subtlety was a difficult thing for him to catch, but he was good at it only sometimes.

"That's not really the point at all!" Lea said with agitation, yet Shaun still couldn't figure out what she was so upset about.

"Then what's it about? Is it about Donnie?" Shaun questioned, trying not to upset her further.

Lea shook her head.

"No, it's not!" She started to sob as she finally dropped Dr. Duckling and the blanket into her lap. "I can't even keep a pregnancy! And if I can't keep a pregnancy…"

Shaun watched, still staring at Lea in shock as she buried her face in her hands and burst into tears. He then looked up at the wall shelf and then eyed Eleanor's memorial stone and the date that they lost her: June 8th, 2021.

He then realized that June 8th was tomorrow (today, actually) which would mean that this morning was the first anniversary of the day they lost Eleanor. Without saying a word, he just walked closer to the glider and hugged Lea, sitting next to her on the arm of the rocking chair as they rocked back and forth.

"You can keep a pregnancy," reassured Shaun, trying his best to make Lea feel better. "You've made it to 33 weeks and the baby is viable."

"I'm just scared," sniffed Lea. "I know that I made it past 13 weeks, 20 weeks, 22 weeks, and 24 weeks…but that doesn't mean that nothing can go wrong. She could still die in my belly for no reason or another blood clot could happen and kill her. I could get preeclampsia or even something bad can happen during the birth. Even after that, she could still die of SIDS."

"I know," sighed Shaun, trying not to think about the worst outcomes. Elena and Oscar lost two of their triplets during the birth and Patricia lost her daughter during the birth. Abby was a week behind where Lea currently is in her pregnancy when preeclampsia got her and took her baby's life. Kanish's girlfriend was pretty much two weeks ahead of where Lea is right now when a blood clot occurred in his daughter's umbilical cord...the exact same thing that caused Eleanor's death.

Shaun had no idea what to say to reassure her.

"We can't spend our time worrying about it," he finally said, trying to make his tone sound reassuring. "Statistically, I guess we'll most likely be fine."

"You're probably right," sighed Lea, smiling just a little bit. "I guess we shouldn't be blinking too much."

"Are you ready to come back to bed now?"

"Yes."

Even after that, it took a while for them to fall asleep.

AN: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and please review and share your thoughts. I really appreciate constructive criticism. And also, things will officially get bad for Lea in the next chapter; it was going to be in this chapter, but then I decided to change things up).