Chapter Summary: Shaun and Lea return to work. Meanwhile, things start to get worse for Lea.

AN: So, back to school for me as a teacher and also for the students as I just had Meet-the-Teacher night two days ago and the first day of regular school is in four days as I still have to work the days before to get things ready and attend meetings. Forgive me if I got some things about medical fellowship and neuroblastomas wrong because I'm an elementary school teacher who was only a student-teacher not too long ago, not a doctor or any kind of medical professional. The closest I have ever got to medical professional if my child and infant CPR certification. I tried my best in researching how stages and treatment of neuroblastomas and also medical fellowships, but I couldn't quite figure it out since I got a C in my Anatomy and Physiology class in college. This also isn't one of my best chapters, either. So, I'll do my best. Anyway, enjoy :)

It was October 31st, also known as Halloween, and Shaun and Lea were dropping Violet off at daycare before heading to the hospital.

Today was the day they were returning to work after their well-deserved family leave although they both agreed that it should be longer than 12 weeks. While Lea was returning to her same-old daily job as IT director, Shaun was starting the very first day of his new promotion to pediatric surgical fellowship. On the day that the life of his baby began, his surgical residency also ended.

On an unrelated note, Donnie has been getting a bit better and has been sober since Violet's birth (well…according to him, Pam, Mike, and Raul, not the facts themselves)…but Lea was still deeply worried about him. She was afraid of a relapse, alcohol poisoning, another DUI, or his death caused by his own intoxication.

Ms. Brenda, one of the employees at the daycare who worked with the babies and newborns, seemed to be nice, sweet, nurturing, and trustworthy. They also trusted the other two employees who worked with the babies and newborns, Mr. Hector and Ms. Amy. Shaun and Lea had a meeting with them when they were searching for the best local childcare during Lea's last two pregnancies.

For the record, as soon as Lea became pregnant with Eleanor, Shaun was already searching for the best childcare options; even walking up to the places and interviewing the parents, asking them questions as they walked in and out of the buildings since he wasn't allowed inside because his child wasn't enrolled.

"Hello, Dr. Murphy, Ms. Dilallo, and Violet! Good morning!" Brenda greeted cheerfully as Shaun, Lea, and Violet arrived into the nursery room of the daycare. Since it was Halloween, she was wearing a purple cat-ears headband, and the entire nursery and front office of the daycare were decorated with Halloween-themed things.

The nursery looked similar to the one back at their apartment, except it had more cribs, a safety gate stretched across the room, mats, many more toys and play things, and the ceiling and walls were a lot more decorated. It looked like a mix between a baby's room and a pre-school classroom.

"Hello," Shaun and Lea greeted back in unison as Shaun adjusted a semi-sleeping Violet in his arms. The idea of dropping their daughter off in a new place with a complete stranger was a frightening and uneasy feeling. Odds were that Violet was probably going to have separation anxiety until early elementary school. They knew it was normal, but it was going to be just as hard for them as it would be for her.

"They did run a background check on you, right? Are you also licensed and CPR-certified?" Shaun questioned, his anxiety striking up over the time he heard a patient tell him a story about a child who died at daycare…even though Shaun didn't even ask for that patient's opinion or any kind of statement like that.

However, Lea was obviously going to receive more criticism than he ever was since parent-shaming usually targeted mothers, and it was pretty difficult for working mothers like Lea. When she was seven months pregnant with Violet, she overheard one of her male subordinates gossip to another one of her subordinates about how selfish and unloving she was for putting Violet in daycare...yet hypocritically saying she was lazy and irresponsible for taking maternity leave. It honestly didn't surprise her since that employee of hers was an asshole in general.

"Yes, they did. I'm also licensed and we actually have annual training. I'm CPR-certified and we do skills checks every two years," answered Brenda, raising her eyebrow yet still smiling with reassurance, pointing to the certificates on the wall, which Shaun didn't notice until now. "And they also did one on Mr. Hector and Ms. Amy as well. They're also licensed and CPR-certified just like I am."

"So, here is everything you need to know," Lea elucidated as she handed Brenda a couple of papers with important information regarding Violet (feeding schedule, tummy time schedule, behavior traits, what calms her down, etc.) as well as the bag consisting of storage containers filled with breast milk Lea had pumped and a bag of some other things. "Here is her feeding schedule, jars of my breast milk, a change of clothes, and a few extra cloth diapers and wipes in case she gets poop up her back or neck. Also, here is her regular blanket and her security blanket."

"It's her 'Dr. Duckling'," specified Shaun.

"Okay, noted," nodded Brenda with a smile. "I'll always make sure her blanket and her Dr. Duckling are safe in her cubby."

"And remember, if neither of us are available to pick her up by 6:30 pm when the site closes, her grandmother will pick her up," stated Lea, referring to Debbie.

"Debbie Wexler?" Brenda inquired. "There is also her grandfather, Dr. Aaron Glassman, right? You also put him in the contact information as an alternative?"

"Yes," replied Shaun, remembering that he and Lea wrote down "grandparents" as Debbie and Dr. Glassman's relationship to Violet when they filled out the forms regarding the additional contact information. "We also have a plan for evening babysitters if neither Debbie nor Dr. Glassman are available when we aren't either. It's because all of our nearby friends work at the hospital…and half of them are doctors and nurses that work night shifts."

"Thank you," acknowledged Brenda. "By the way, that cabinet is already stocked with diapers, wipes, and spare baby clothes. We also know how to clean cloth diapers as well. They also encourage the parents and guardians of the pre-school kids to pack a change of clothes in case of an accident. Don't worry, Violet is in good hands."

"We have to go now," sighed Shaun, giving Violet a hug and a kiss (Lea giving those two things as well) before hesitantly yet also decidingly handing her off to Brenda. "It's the first day of my pediatric surgical fellowship and I don't want to be late."

"Oh, congratulations!" Brenda saluted enthusiastically as Violet was transferred over to her arms, which made the infant stir and fuss a little.

"Bye, Violet," said Shaun as he heard Violet transfer from fussing to bawling.

"Oh, it's okay, sweetie," cooed Brenda as she cradled Violet in her arms and made shushing noises. "It's okay, your mommy and daddy will be back to come to pick you up."

"Bye bye, peanut," sniffed Lea, blowing an air kiss at Violet before she and Shaun walked out of the room, then the building, and into the car.

Before getting the car started after putting her seatbelt on, Lea made a weirdly odd remark about Brenda.

"There is something not right about her," she said.

"What do you mean?" Shaun questioned.

"I don't know, I just feel like she, Hector, and Amy are silently judging us. Or maybe, they are planning to murder or drug Violet with cold medicine to knock her out. Or maybe, they are just too irresponsible and might be the ones responsible if Violet dies from SIDS at daycare," explained Lea, gripping her hands on the wheel.

Shaun was quite confused by Lea's comments of accusation. When they met Brenda and the rest of the staff at the daycare, all of the teachers and kids had positive things to say about them. Lea and Brenda (as well as the other two infant caregivers) seemed to get along pretty well the first few times they met, one of the meetings even ending with Lea telling Brenda how much she trusted her. The daycare also had some good reviews of the daycare itself and the staff, which was exactly what made Shaun and Lea choose this daycare center for Violet.

"Brenda is more certified and experienced in child care than we are. She has a bachelor's degree and a license in childcare. The cribs at the daycare are definitely safe because they don't have bumpers, mobiles, or extra accessories. They follow the pediatric guidelines. She's also CPR certified and she also knows infant and child CPR," reassured Shaun, repeating what Brenda just told him and hoping that stating the credentials would make Lea feel better just like it made him feel better. "Amy and Hector also have the same credentials and so do the rest of the staff. I looked up the requirements for being a childcare worker in California before we left."

"Okay," replied Lea monotonously with tears in her eyes, starting the car and then driving onto the road towards St. Bonaventure.

The couple had been meaning to make a meeting with their therapist for two weeks already, but they kept forgetting because they were so busy with the baby and their careers (they were actually canceling appointments with Dr. Moran since Violet was born)…almost basically turning themselves into martyrs when taking care of their daughter.

Although Dr. Glassman told them to be there for as many moments as they could, he was also calling and texting them to warn them to think about themselves now and then and to not be martyrs. They didn't need to do everything for their kid.

"I know I told you the importance of being there for your child, but don't feel bad if you need some time to yourself," he said.

Shaun and Lea felt like burdens on each other and still wanted their issues to go away on their own.

When Shaun and Lea walked into St. Bonaventure's building, they were greeted with warm welcomes of "welcome back" and hospitality from their friends and colleagues, expressing how much they missed having them around.

Lea tried to put on a brave face when she was greeted by Diego, Morgan, Dr. Glassman, and a few other of her colleagues and subordinates from the IT department; pretending to be happy to be back at work when she truly just wanted to stay home longer. On the bright side, it was slightly better than the army of pitiful well-wishers when she lost Eleanor when she basically just wanted to be left alone to mourn and grieve in peace.

However, before Lea could make it to her office to be alone with some peace and quiet, Dr. Glassman stopped her so he could have a little chat of concern with her.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Dr. Glassman consoled as he sported a concerned look on his face, as he noticed that Lea hasn't been the funny, bubbly person he knew a few years ago pretty much since she got pregnant again. "You haven't called me 'Glassy' in like forever, and I can't quite recall the last time you even sassed me."

Lea groaned in annoyance.

"I just miss my baby, okay? A lot of parents feel that way when they drop their kid off at daycare. And I thought you hated my sassy attitude," grumbled Lea, rolling her eyes. "Oh, and you miss my sass? Well, I'm pretty much what you always wanted me to be - miserable and boring."

Dr. Glassman was shocked and kind of hurt by her remark. Sure, they did sometimes annoy each other and drove each other crazy, but he would never wish any kind of misery on her. "No, it's not. I've actually gotten a lot more worried about you since…well, I'm just really worried about you just as much as I'm worried about Shaun, especially since you have self-esteem problems. This is not the typical you, Lea."

Lea continued to ignore him as she marched into her office so she could finally be left alone in peace, until she heard her name get called right behind her as she was opening the door.

It was Morgan.

"So, how is being a mom going for you?" Morgan asked, definitely with more genuine concern than curiosity, especially because Dr. Glassman told her about the desperate call from her and Shaun that he received in the middle of the night.

"Exhausting," Lea answered blankly. "I don't want to be back at work right now."

Morgan had no children or even had the experience of being a parent (and she wasn't even super close with her own parents), so it was hard for her to come up with a sympathetic or empathetic answer to Lea's blunt statement. Although, if she and Alex ever get married, she would technically become a stepmother to Kellan. However, since Kellan was almost 20 and pretty much grown up, she wasn't going to be doing most of this parenting stuff with him. She and Kellan were more like best buds.

"You know, Dr. Park and I can help you and Shaun if you want," she offered, trying her best to be helpful. "You and Shaun will definitely need a break."

"No," refused Lea, noticing the feeling that her breasts were definitely full right now and ready to be pumped. "And please go away. I need to pump breast milk right now and I would like a bit of privacy."

"Of course," sighed Morgan as she started to step away from the desk and out of the office. "I'll leave you alone, but please let me or someone else know if you need any help."

Once Lea was alone in her office and the blinds were closed, she unbuttoned her blouse and then attached the flanges to her breasts through the inner layer of the elastic openings of her nursing bra in its center. She has nursed in public, but she still felt a bit awkward and self-conscious about it, which was why she wore specific nursing tanks, bras, or shirts. She was glad she had her own office room to pump in privacy and that federal law entitled her to a private space to do it.

Then, she immediately started to get to work…only to get distracted by her extreme paranoia.

Her brain was trying way too hard to convince her that the staff at the daycare were going to call CPS on her and Shaun and then have the organization take Violet away from them.

Meanwhile, although he was going to be working in the same building, Shaun was kind of in a whole new place with an additional boss, but he was still thankfully working with Claire (someone he knew very well) since she was doing a pediatric fellowship as well. Dr. Lim was still his boss when it came to the surgical aspect, but now Dr. Patel - the head of San Jose's pediatrics department - was also one of his superiors. He didn't need any direct surgical supervision in general, but he did in pediatric surgery.

On his way over to the room to meet Claire and his new attending for the fellowship, he was welcomed back by Dr. Lim, Dr. Rendón, Dr. Andrews, Park, Asher, and Jordan. While Shaun and Claire were doing fellowships before becoming surgical attendings, Park just jumped straight up to surgical attending with Dr. Andrews and Dr. Rendón, sticking with general surgery as his profession.

Despite the difficult and uneasy feeling of leaving his daughter in the care of someone else, Shaun was feeling sort of happy to be back at work in a promoted position, but he was still feeling depressed and anxious…and work wasn't feeling like that much of a good distraction as it did for his grief over Eleanor. He has been wondering if he should seek help again, and he also felt guilty for wanting time away from Violet given the fact that she was sometimes a trigger.

"I'm Dr. Veronica Kohler, the surgical pediatric attending. I actually transferred from Albuquerque recently because my husband got a new job here in San Jose," the attending introduced herself to Shaun with enthusiasm. "And you already know Dr. Browne, right?"

"Yes, I do," replied Shaun. "We've been working together since our residency."

"Also, I didn't shake your hand because Dr. Browne told me you didn't like handshakes. Anyway, why did you decide to choose pediatrics as a fellowship?" Dr. Kohler asked curiously. "I just chose pediatrics because I love children."

"That's also why I chose pediatrics as my fellowship," added Claire with a grin.

"My daughters," answered Shaun, feeling a bit sad as he used the last word in its plural form when he only had one living daughter. "The deaths of my rabbit and my brother were the reasons I wanted to become a doctor and a surgeon because I wanted to make life possible for other people. My wife and I lost our first daughter to an umbilical blood clot at 22 weeks gestation, and then when she became pregnant with our second daughter, I decided to choose pediatrics because I also want to make life possible for other children."

"That's cool," complimented Dr. Kohler. "And also, I'm sorry about your rabbit, your brother, and your daughter. On the bright side, I know you just got back from paternity leave, so congratulations!"

"What kind of case are we going to be working on today?" Shaun asked, wanting to go ahead and distract himself from his numbness and negative thoughts already by performing surgery.

"We're surgically removing a neuroblastoma," replied Dr. Kohler.

The surgery that Claire and Shaun were assisting Dr. Kohler with was a procedure on a little boy named Declan Jones, a three-year-old with a stage 2B and stage L2 neuroblastoma atop his left kidney. Claire had helped with diagnosing the child last week by performing a tissue biopsy for the pathology department to examine.

This poor child was only three-years-old, and surgeries, chemo, and radiation were probably going to be one of his first memories as he was still in the early stages of cognitive development. Shaun thought this must be really scary for Declan.

The good news was that the tumor hasn't spread further…so far.

Unfortunately, Shaun kind of had a bad feeling that the cancer in this child had already metastasized or maybe it could have been on the way to growing and compressing his spinal cord. He was feeling a bit pessimistic about this. However, Claire and Dr. Kohler informed him that they had performed many tests on Declan and that the tumor has not advanced.

Prior to prepping Declan for surgery, the frightened and nervous parents asked the entire team if they had any children…and Shaun was the one of the only few who answered "yes". However, he refused to answer any further questions about his family life, especially about what happened with his first baby.

Before they put Declan under (his mother was going to stay with him until he was fully sedated), the little boy said that he was scared and then started crying that he didn't want the surgery, and Shaun tried not to cry and break down in front of him as his mom soothed him as he fell asleep from the anesthesia.

Now that Shaun was a parent himself, he was 1000 times more sensitive with cases involving children than ever (not that he was never sensitive, but this made him think about his own children - dead and alive).

The surgery was a success, but Declan was going to have to go on chemo and radiation. It was Shaun who decided that he wanted to tell the parents that Declan was going to be okay so far.

Shaun did communicate well to Mr. and Mrs. Jones about their son's prognosis, but he wasn't good at keeping himself together because he unfortunately broke down and then ran out of the room to cry in the hallway; Claire immediately chasing after him, extremely concerned for her friend and colleague.

Unfortunately, Shaun just refused to talk to Claire afterward.

While typing on her computer and inputting data, Lea had a hard time concentrating on her daily tasks. She noticed that Diego had done great with his duties as substitute IT director when she was on maternity leave, but she was starting to wonder if maybe she should quit her job and just promote him to permanent IT director since she wasn't really believing in herself at this point.

She felt pretty worthless - as an IT director, an employee, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, and a person in general. She was definitely not as euphoric as she felt when Violet was born. To be fair, she and Shaun weren't even euphoric when they found out they were pregnant after their loss either. It took them a while to actually become more excited and get attached, which they were afraid to do.

Additionally, she was still feeling a bit paranoid about leaving her baby at daycare right now, wondering if she dropped Violet off at a death trap.

Most of all, she often didn't think that she deserved Violet at all no matter how much she loved and wanted her. She wasn't religious, but maybe losing Eleanor was a message from God or the universe that she didn't deserve to be a mom.

The more she thought, the more distracted she got from her tasks, and then she immediately just loudly broke down sobbing.

Lea thought that nobody would notice her behavior, but Jordan just happened to be walking by when she heard Lea sobbing uncontrollably at her desk. The blinds may have hidden her crying visually, but the glass walls were thin enough for things to be heard on the other side.

"Lea, are you alright," Jordan asked immediately opening the office door without knocking, instantly embarrassed when she realized what she had done. "Oh, I'm so sorry to barge in. Are you okay? I couldn't help but overhear you sobbing."

Lea suddenly tried to wipe away her tears as soon as she noticed that Jordan was standing in the doorway of her office. "Yeah, I'm fine," she fibbed.

"Honestly, and I know I'm not an expert in this or even a psychologist, but you don't look fine to me," Jordan sighed with concern. "Especially just now."

"I just miss Violet," repeated Lea with the same weak excuse. "It's my first full day without her and I can't stop thinking about that baby that died at a daycare."

"Well, first of all, I think you should try not to read articles like that. Remember that the news often likes to report on rare things," advised Jordan. "Secondly, have you thought about getting help? My cousin…"

"Of course I have! And I don't care what your cousin's experience was!" Lea snapped. "Shaun and I have damn well been trying to find time for a therapist but we're too busy with our baby right now! Mind your own business and get back to work! Why won't you all just leave me the fuck alone!"

Startled and a bit hurt, Jordan slowly walked out of Lea's office and went back to Dr. Park and Asher. She had only known Lea for like three-ish years, but she knew that this obviously wasn't normal Lea-like behavior.

It wasn't just Claire that noticed Shaun's strange behavior, but also Asher and Dr. Glassman as well. Actually, Jordan was the one who told Asher about Lea's odd behavior earlier.

While Declan was in recovery with his parents, Shaun sat alone in the breakout room trying to distract himself with medical journals instead of eating lunch for his lunch break or even meeting with Lea for it. To be honest, he wasn't even finding any pleasure in medical cases anymore, something he experienced when he experienced depression when Lea was pregnant with Violet.

Shaun didn't share this with anyone, but recently, he'd been having thoughts of suicide…yet he felt too afraid to actually do it. Before he got Lea pregnant (both times), he was confident about being a good father, but now he was starting to think that Lea and Violet would be better off without him.

This feeling wasn't new to him either. Since he was thirteen, he's had passive suicidal thoughts without ever actually having a plan to kill himself. He never shared those thoughts with anybody, not even Lea or Dr. Glassman…or even Dr. Moran. He was afraid that if he confessed those thoughts to the people he loved, he would be forced into therapy.

Certain moments he exhibited those thoughts were his teen years, shortly after Steve died, college, med school, post med school when he had trouble getting accepted by almost every residency program he applied for, when Dr. Han fired him, and when Lea rejected him after Carly broke up with him.

Now, those thoughts were returning…right when his life seemed perfect and he felt like he had everything he ever wanted.

Shaun's thoughts were interrupted by Asher and Dr. Glassman entering the room, asking him if they could talk for a while.

However, he definitely wasn't going to be left alone like he wanted because Asher and Dr. Glassman walked in and asked him if they could talk for a while…and that was more of a demand than a request.

"This is serious! You and Lea need to talk to a therapist!" Dr. Glassman warned. "Things could get worse for both of you. Lea isn't doing so hot right now because she has been acting weird all day. Do you know how many people she has yelled at today?"

"No, I don't," said Shaun. "But she was suspicious of the daycare worker."

"Jordan just told me that Lea snapped at her," shared Asher, sporting a serious look on his face. "She's not okay."

"She snapped at me, too," added Dr. Glassman.

"I know," muttered Shaun. "We've talked about going to therapy. I'm thinking of taking Lea to a therapist."

"You've told us that for a month already," sighed Dr. Glassman, trying not to overstep boundaries as he noticed Shaun's tears. "Are you actually going? Also, you're definitely not okay because you're crying right now."

"Excessive crying is a symptom of postpartum depression," warned Asher. "Men get it, too! You had depression when Lea was pregnant."

"Of course I already know that!" Shaun snapped in a loud voice. "Also, I'm crying because of the case I worked on so there is a legit reason I'm crying! It was a three-year-old boy with an adrenal neuroblastoma who is going to have to go on chemo and radiation. He was scared. And stop criticizing me! I already feel like a bad father for wanting to be away from Violet for a while and also for the bad thoughts I've had about hurting her! It's because of sleep deprivation!"

"No, it is not, Shaun! Which is exactly why both you and Lea need help," advised Dr. Glassman, handing Shaun the number of a therapist to call. "If you guys don't get help, it will only get worse. Do me a favor and please go see a therapist."

When Shaun and Lea got home, they finally had a discussion about seeing a therapist, especially calling the number that Dr. Glassman provided. They finally agreed to talk to a therapist, but that already wasn't going to be enough since there was another thing going on with Lea that she hadn't yet told Shaun about.

She was literally hearing voices.

Right now, the voices in her head told her that she made a terrible mistake to have a baby, that she was a bad mother, and that she didn't deserve Shaun or even had a right to be on this planet.

"If you live, your marriage is just going to fall apart, and so will the relationship with your baby," the voice said.

AN: I know, this wasn't my best chapter and that the ending seemed a bit rushed with the cliffhanger…but I did struggle for a while on how to introduce Lea's postpartum psychosis growing worse. Postpartum psychosis can sometimes occur six months after birth, and I decided to make Lea's psychosis start before another dramatic event happens (she will start getting more delirious and then Shaun will start to notice). I was originally going to make her start having hallucinations in the previous chapter, but then I decided to make it happen as soon as she got home after returning to work. Please review and share your thoughts.