C

by natalyamartinez101

Ff

"Oh?" Sirius was doing an excellent job of keeping his cool. If Remus hadn't been so sad it would be comical.

"Yeah." He said. He turned to look at Sirius. Sirius turned to look back at him. "So I'm sorry," Remus said, nervously, "If I ever make you feel that way."

"Moony--"

"--It's just that I get worried," Remus said quickly, "That you won't… if you knew some things…"

"There's nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel." Sirius said.

Remus was speechless at that. But it was a good feeling. A happy feeling, even considering the circumstances. He couldn't look at Sirius any more so he rolled onto his side. Luckily, Sirius seemed to understand and followed suit, draping an arm across Remus's body. Remus breathed in slowly.

"That mission I did, back in the summer? It went really badly." He said, feeling the weight already lifting.

"I thought something had happened." Sirius said. "Go on."

"I… do you remember how I got, the last time there were werewolves nearby? Like… really pushy and sort of not thinking? That happened again. No one got hurt, but I'm pretty sure Danny thinks I'm dangerously mad now."

"It didn't happen to him?"

"I think he must have felt it. But we reacted differently. I sort of - took charge. Not on purpose, it just felt natural at the time."

"That makes sense," Sirius said, "That's what you do on full moons, we have to let you be the leader."

"Yeah, I hadn't thought of it like that."

"So… if no one got hurt, what happened?"

"One of the werewolves tried to attack me, but I overpowered him." Remus said, "I was supposed to get information, but all I did was rile them up."

"What did Moody say about it?"

"He was… cryptic. I don't think he was angry. He asked me if I minded going alone next time - without Danny. But he hasn't sent me on any other missions, not proper ones, and it's been months…"

"They have to be saving you for something." Sirius said, "I know they have to be - James keeps telling Frank and Alice how good you are at defensive magic, and they just say they can't do anything without an order from someone above them."

"Maybe." Remus sighed.

"Did he really say you had to go alone next time?"

"He didn't say I had to… just asked if I minded. And I don't think there's any other way - Danny won't work with me again, he was too scared. So I suppose… yeah, it'll be just me next time."

Sirius's arms tightened around Remus.

"I hate that."

Remus didn't have a response, and Sirius didn't seem to be looking for one, so they just lay like that quietly for a while, until Remus fell asleep.

Boxing Day 1978

As Lily had predicted, Christmas Day 1978 was a welcome break from everyone's troubles. In fact - perhaps because it had been a particularly difficult year - Remus always remembered that Christmas as one of the most pleasant and happy they had together.

Mr and Mrs Potter were slowing down a bit - Euphemia said she wasn't up to hosting a big party as she usually did, and anyway, the Ministry had warned against large social gatherings. Mr Potter had to be locked out of his study - James and Sirius stole the key - but he saw the funny side, and joined in with the festivities whole-heartedly.

Remus noticed that this year it was really James and Lily who were the hosts. She co-ordinated most of the cooking, the decorating, the card writing; while he made sure that everyone always had a drink, that all of the usual christmas games were played, and that the house was full of joy at all times.

As for presents, it was all of the usual fare - sweets and nuts and candied fruit, new socks and underwear, a pair of pyjamas from Lily as a joke ("so I stop catching you in your knickers!"), and a shiny new pair of doc martens from Sirius.

Surprisingly, Remus also received a gift from Grant, that year, and felt guilty for not getting him one in return. He laughed when he opened it - a filofax organiser. Grant had written his own address and phone number in the first page, and in the back where the notes had written the heading: " New Year's Resolutions: 1. Stop and smell the roses ."

Christmas Day over and done with, James and Lily were heading to the Evans's for Boxing Day (James was absolutely dreading it, having met Lily's sister twice already, and failed to impress her either time.) So Sirius and Remus went back to their own home to settle in and get ready for the New Year. Sirius rather liked the idea of hosting his own party, and Remus was prepared to give in, as long as they only invited people they knew.

"How many do you reckon we can fit in this flat anyway?" Remus asked as they opened the door. "It's not like we've got a ballroom, there's only one sofa!"

"We ought to knock through the kitchen, have it all open plan," Sirius replied, as they walked in. The phone was ringing, and he went to answer it. "Hello?" He frowned, then held out the phone to Remus, "For you, I think?"

Remus took the receiver from him. Of course it was for him - Sirius didn't know anyone who could use a telephone.

"Hello?"

"Hullo? Is that Remus Lupin?" It was a man with a deep voice and a broad Welsh accent. Remus's insides went cold, and he sat down on the arm of the couch, steadying himself.

"Yes, that's right…"

"Ah, good. Ah. My name's Gethin Rees."

Remus swallowed, and found his throat dry.

"Is she... She's gone, isn't she?"

There was a long quiet on the other end of the phone, and Remus began to cry. Finally, Gethin spoke, his own voice sounding very rough.

"I'm sorry, lad. Funeral's next Wednesday."

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day.

Wednesday 3rd January 1979

Remus sighed, staring out of their bedroom window watching the raindrops sliding down the glass. When he was a little boy and it rained, he would sit on the biggest windowsill he could find at St Edmunds and pick two droplets, then pretend they were racing to the bottom of the pane. An idea he'd got from a poem; maybe one Hope had read him, which he'd forgotten now.

It always rained at funerals in films. That was called 'pathetic fallacy', Remus had read about it in an old A-level English textbook. Of course, if you had a funeral in Wales in January, the chances of rain were extremely high, too. It was a strange thing to be glad about, but it seemed proper. A sunny day would have been intolerable.

"Ready?" Sirius asked, very gently, entering the room.

Remus looked up at him, feeling numb, and nodded. Sirius looked gorgeous in a black suit, his hair tied back. Remus felt scruffy, though they were dressed identically, Sirius just wore clothes better. Remus had wanted to cut his hair short, to make it look tidier, but he'd been convinced not to, in the end. Still, the urge to do something drastic was there.

"Take your time," Sirius said, "We've got an hour or so."

Remus nodded again. The service was supposed to start at eleven, but Gethin had said that if he wanted to come earlier and greet the mourners, then he was welcome to. Remus still wasn't sure.

Sirius closed the bedroom door, and came to sit next to him. He held his hand, and stared out of the window too.

"Have you ever been to a funeral before?" Remus asked, finally.

"Uncle Alphard's," Sirius replied, "I was only little, though. Nine or ten. Don't remember it. I've never… lost anyone close."

"Mm." Remus inclined his head, still watching the raindrops against the grey sky, "I don't know if I knew Hope all that well. I didn't even know her for a whole year."

"I don't think that matters."

"Nor do I." Remus bowed his head.

He wasn't going to cry again, he didn't think he could. It had felt good at first, a big rush of emotion. But since then, nothing. Just a blankness, and empty feeling he hadn't had before.

Sirius gripped his hand again.

"I'll be with you the whole time."

Remus looked at him and smiled weakly.

"Thank you. Ok, I think I'm ready." He stood up, finally whirring into action. "Oh shit!" He said, slapping his forehead, "The flowers! Padfoot, I forgot to pick up the bloody flowers!"

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder,

"I got Wormtail to do it, he's got them. And Lily's got the address for the church, so we don't get lost - Prongs has the food for the wake, his mum sent along some pork pies and sausage rolls, and I've got the umbrellas sorted. All you need to do is apparate, everything else is taken care of, all right?"

Overwhelmed, Remus grabbed him and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you," he said.

Sirius hugged him back,

"Anything for our Moony, eh?"

Remus smiled, breathing in Sirius's hair, his scent, letting it anchor him. The words popped into his head almost out of nowhere, and finally, finally , it was easy to say.

"Sirius?" He whispered, still holding on.

"Yeah?"

"Love you."

Sirius kissed his cheek, huffing a soft laugh, which sounded like relief.

"Love you too."

They walked into the living room hand in hand. James and Peter were also in suits, and Lily in a simple black dress, her usually vibrant hair neatly tied back in a bun. She was carrying an enormous bouquet of flowers. They all gave Remus cautious, sympathetic smiles, which he was getting used to now. He nodded back at them all, gratefully.

"Right." Sirius said, taking charge, "Let's do this."

It was a small village church, just outside of Hope's hometown - it was where she had been christened, and if she had married a muggle, it was where the wedding would have been. Remus knew from their brief conversations that Hope had not been particularly religious, but that her family belonged to the Church in Wales, so she went along for tradition's sake.

It was a very pretty building - or at least it would have been, if it wasn't raining so hard. Soft grey granite, with a bell tower and a pointed steeple, simple but pretty stained glass windows. Like a church in a picture book. The graveyard was full of ancient tombstones and stone crosses, but Hope would be cremated, as per her wishes.

The marauders and Lily approached slowly, walking up the sodden pathway to join the cluster of mourners gathered in the doorway. Remus spotted Gethin straight away, standing just inside the porch, shaking hands with each attendee as they entered. He was a tall man, like Lyall, but not as spindly. He had dark hair, thick black eyebrows and rather a weak chin. He looked completely broken, and Remus was instantly less nervous about meeting him.

Lily, James and Peter hung back, looking for somewhere to put all the food they'd brought for the wake, which was supposed to be in the church hall around the back. Remus and Sirius silently waited their turn to go in.

"Hullo," Gethin said, barely looking up as Remus approached, "Thank you for coming…"

"I'm Remus." Remus said, shaking the proffered hand. Gethin looked up at once, blinking. They were about eye-level.

"Remus." Gethin shook his hand weakly, his dark eyes raking Remus over. "Hope talked about you all the time. It's a shame we're meeting like this."

"Yes." Remus nodded.

They stood awkwardly for a while, just looking at each other, before Gethin came to his senses, "Go in," he said, gesturing, "Your mum was keen on you sitting in the front row, but it's up to you…"

"Thanks," Remus nodded again.

"See you after, eh?" Gethin patted his shoulder.

"Yeah. Good," Remus said, aware that he was speaking in single-syllables.

In the end, Sirius had to nudge him into the church, as he seemed to have forgotten how to move. They made their way slowly to the front, and sat down. Remus could hear people whispering about him; a few of them knew who he was, and the reaction was mixed. He ignored it. He was there for Hope, and no one else.

The service itself was a blur, and he barely listened. He just stared at the eagle shaped lectern and tried to conjure up a decent memory of his mother.

They didn't sing a hymn, they played a Joni Mitchell song instead. Hope had never mentioned Joni Mitchell to Remus, but he supposed it must have meant something to her. That was a painful thought. They'd had so little time. It wasn't fair.

Siân was there, of course. Remus recognised her at once - she was the only child present. She was dressed in a cream coloured frock with a black satin sash, and kept her head buried in the lap of an old woman Remus didn't know - he assumed that was Gethin's mother, Siân's grandmother. She cried all the way through, and for some reason that was comforting to Remus. Hope must have been a wonderful mother.

Afterwards, Remus's legs felt like lead; he was rooted to the spot. He didn't get up with the rest of the family to walk out (there was no coffin to follow - her body was already at the crematorium, apparently), but waited behind for the church to clear. Sirius waited with him.

When the church was all but empty, Sirius whispered,

"You ok?"

Remus nodded.

Sirius touched his knee lightly, but no more than that. "That was really sad. It's ok if you're tired and want to go home?"

"No, it's fine." Remus shook his head, "I ought to go. I told Gethin I would. Just. Five more minutes?"

They had to leave eventually, the caretaker wanted to tidy up.

The church hall was very small, and crammed full of people and people's emotions. Some of them were laughing, reminiscing. Others were still red-nosed and sombre. It was a drab little room, which needed refurbishing; the wooden floorboards were splintering in places, there were notice boards dedicated to drawings by the children who attended sunday school there, and another one for the local scout troup.

Three trestle tables were groaning under the weight of the food people had brought - piles of sandwiches, meat pies, crisps, cheese and pineapple skewers, fruit cake, leftover turkey curry, slices of ham and other cold cuts. It was a dry funeral, and an old lady in the corner was serving weak cups of milky tea. For once in his life, Remus was not hungry.

Worst of all, there was a table covered in framed photographs and albums. Most of them were of Hope, and apart from one or two snaps of her as a little girl, not one of them had been taken before 1965. Remus looked at them all, tried to fix the imagine in his mind - a happy, healthy woman who had always tried to do what was best, even when other people let her down.

"She'd be so glad you came." Gethin appeared beside him. He reached out and stroked the glass on one of the photo frames. Hope's black and white face beamed out at him, static and lifeless.

"I had to." Remus said, quietly. Sirius stood at his other shoulder, ready for anything. Remus looked at Gethin, "I wish I had been there. For… well, to say goodbye."

"It was very quiet, like she was." The older man said. "She was awake on Christmas morning, and went to sleep after lunch. There was no pain."

Remus hadn't thought about her being in pain. He wished Gethin hadn't put that in his head.

"I know what you're thinking," Gethin said, nodding at the photo display, "No pictures of you. It wasn't deliberate - she put them all in a box for me to send to you, only I've lost track of your address…"

"I don't want them." Remus shook his head.

"Remus," Sirius said, softly, "Don't make any decisions yet."

Remus just shrugged.

"There are a few other bits," Gethin said, eyeing Sirius with some confusion, then looking at Remus again, "I'll hang onto them as long as you like."

"Bits?" Remus looked at him blankly.

"Things she wanted you to have," Gethin said. "Not money, or anything--"

"I'm not interested in money!" Remus said, sharply.

Gethin frowned, he looked hurt. His eyes were rimmed red, with dark rings under them, like smudges of coal dust. Remus pursed his lips, and took a step back, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I can't be here. I'm sorry." And with that, turned and walked straight out of the hall.

It had stopped raining by now, but the grass was still wet and the scent of delicious earth rising all around. There was a group of old men sitting on some benches outside. They'd loosened their ties and sat slouched, smoking and passing around an illicit flask of something very strong smelling. Remus tutted, disgusted, and kept walking, wanting to get away from everything.

"Remus!" Sirius came jogging up the path to catch him, Lily, James and Peter not far behind.

"I want to go." Remus said.

"You can come back to mum and dad's if you want?" James suggested, "Mum said she'll do us all dinner."

"No," Remus shook his head, he grabbed Sirius arm, and looked at him, imploring, "Please, can we just go back to the flat? Just you and me?"

"Of course we can," Sirius put his own calm hand over Remus's desperate one, and Remus felt his heart begin to steady.

So that was what they did, Remus promising himself that he would apologise to the Potters and his friends another time.

But if he'd been hoping for a respite from the rest of the world, to lock himself away with Sirius and pretend that just for a moment, nothing else mattered, then he was in for a disappointment.

There was an owl sitting on top of the mantelpiece when they got in, with a note tied to its scaly leg.

Remus.

My condolences.

Please meet me at the Auror's Office at 9am on Monday.

A. Moody.

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

Chapter End Notes

Song throughout is 'both sides now' by Joni Mitchell.

The War: Auror Headquarters

Chapter Summary

Remus goes to the ministry.

Chapter Notes

CW Sexual content towards the end of this chapter

Monday 8th January 1979

"Please let me come with you?" Was the last thing Sirius said as Remus left the flat early Monday morning.

"I'll be fine." Remus shook his head, trying to give Sirius a reassuring smile. He didn't say what he was thinking, which was 'how would that look?!'. It was bad enough he'd been summoned to Moody's actual office at the ministry; what would he think if Remus brought his boyfriend along for moral support?

Still, Remus had to admit that he had a difficult time leaving their cosy little home that morning. He'd barely left the bedroom since they'd returned from the funeral, let alone got dressed or left the flat. To go to the ministry he had to wear full robes for the first time since school, which helped a little bit - at least he'd be able to blend in.

The visitors entrance for the Ministry of Magic was about twenty minutes' walk from Soho, and Remus found the early morning stroll more pleasant than he'd expected. It was a crisp, cold January day, and his breath turned white in the winter air. Peter was there to meet him,

"Hiya Moony," Wormtail smiled up at him, giving him an awkward pat on the arm, "How're you holding up?"

"Oh, you know." Remus shrugged. Grief was a funny thing. He never knew if he was doing it right.

"Looking forward to saturday!"

"Yeah, me too."

The full moon was due on the thirteenth. So far since Hogwarts the marauders had got away with apparating (Peter side-alonged) to the most remote places possible and transforming there. So far they'd been to the Brecon Beacons, the Outer Hebrides, Dartmoor and the Forest of Dean. No one in the Order had brought it up yet, though Remus supposed they all assumed he was registered.

Peter and Remus entered the ministry via a telephone box. Peter needed to be there, because after Remus had stated his business, a small silver visitors badge dropped out of the telephone's change slot. Wormtail picked it up quickly, and muttered the incantation to turn it to tin, before giving it to Remus.

They descended into the ministry atrium, which was heaving with activity. It was an enormous hall, bigger than Gringotts, with rows of fireplaces lining the walls. Green lights flashed intermittently from each hearth as wizards and witches arrived for work.

Peter led Remus through the security stand, where his wand was weighed by a mean spirited wizard with a long beard. Remus was incredibly grateful to have a friend with him, and secretly quite glad it was quiet, genial Peter, rather than Sirius who had a tendency to get a bit overprotective of Remus when it came to the wizarding community.

Next they moved through to another hall with a set of lifts, and entered the nearest one.

"You're on level two," Peter explained chirpily, "I'm with the Floo Network Authority on four. Do you need me to show you where the Auror's office is?"

Remus thought he would quite like Peter's help, if only Peter wasn't so clearly enjoying having the upper hand.

"No," he smiled, "I'll manage. Cheers mate."

Peter gave him a kind smile as he left the lift. Remus nodded back, and the door slid closed.

Soon enough the tannoy announced; "Level two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement; including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters, and Wizengamot Administration Services."

Remus shuffled his way out of the lift and onto the corridor. The lift doors closed behind him with a 'ping' and Remus stood there for a few moments, blindsided. It was a very busy hallway, wizards and witches striding up and down, some deep in conversation, others hastily scribbling down notes on scraps of parchment - and some of them muttering to themselves. Over his head, purple paper aeroplanes zoomed back and forth, fluttering into the office doors which lined the corridor.

He wished he hadn't been so proud now, and asked Pete to walk him to the right office. There had to be a sign somewhere…

"Lupin!" A loud and familiar voice boomed. Remus turned around with some relief and smiled, seeing Ferox barrelling towards him, hand raised in salutation.

"Hi," he said.

"Lost? Come with me!"

Remus followed Ferox along the hallway, past office after office until they reached an elaborate door with a carved wood frame. Auror Headquarters .

"Nervous?" Ferox glanced at him sideways. Remus looked back,

"Is it that obvious?"

Ferox laughed and clapped him on the shoulder,

"I'd be concerned if you weren't. C'mon now, it's only Moody." And he pushed the door open with one big hand, the other still on Remus's shoulder, as if to stop him from running away.

As a child, Remus had had some experience with muggle law enforcement. Only ever for silly things like running away from the Home, or being caught 'causing a disturbance' - which usually meant he was just somewhere public and other people would prefer him not to be. The police were extra rough with you, once they clocked you were a St Edmund's boy, they'd call you things and shove you in their car, or else give off thinly veiled threats of physical violence if you didn't do as you were told. As a result, Remus had never felt that comfortable around authority figures, even if he was a poshboy nowadays.

He wasn't sure exactly how similar the Aurors were to muggle police. He'd only met Moody, Frank and Alice so far. Moody was completely terrifying, but Remus had known him long enough now that he was used to him. Alice and Frank were very nice, very earnest people - but then, they didn't know what he really was.

The inside of the office was very busy, with rows of desks divided up into cubicles. There were posters of criminals, magically enchanted maps and printed lists on notice boards all around the walls, and memos whizzing back and forth. But the most striking thing about it for Remus was the incredibly concentrated scent of strong magic - and dark magic too.

Ferox, hand still on Remus's shoulder, steered him towards a desk near the back corner, which had the best vantage point over the rest of the chaotic office.

Moody's desk and the shelves around it were cluttered with weird and wonderful magical devices; whirring telescopes, glowing crystals, strange humming orbs. Moody himself was bent over a map. Forgetting his nerves, Remus peered over his shoulder to look - he'd never got over his interest in cartography - and Moody barked,

"Never sneak up on an Auror, Lupin."

Remus jumped back, alarmed, and Moody turned to face him, grinning. His mad eye swivelled sickly in its socket.

"Leo," Moody reached out and shook hands with Ferox, then with Remus. "Glad to see you're nice and punctual. Have a seat."

He gestured at a long velvet covered seat against the wall of his cubicle which hadn't been there a moment ago. Remus and Ferox sat down as Moody cast a spell which muted the noise around them, creating a bubble of peace around his desk that was not dissimilar to James and Sirius's silencing charms.

Remus was relieved by the quiet, but Moody's spell had done nothing to mitigate the overwhelming scent of power which filled his nostrils, swam down his throat and filled up his chest with glorious rich syrupy magic. He tried to relax, to let it find its place in him rather than fighting it, but he felt ever so slightly drunk with it all the same.

"Once again, Lupin," Moody said gruffly, sitting down in his office chair which looked like a plush green leather armchair, but swivelled on one stem. "I was sorry to hear about your loss. I didn't know Hope myself, but--"

"That's ok." Remus said quickly, "I barely knew her either."

He was keen to keep his mother out of any conversation he had today. He hadn't the strength for two things at once, and if Moody had a mission for him, then that had to be his main concern.

Moody - who was either an excellent legilimens or simply extremely astute and empathetic, nodded manfully and continued.

"Straight to business, then." He said, "Good chap." He swivelled slightly in his chair to pick up the map he'd been looking at, and handed it to Remus.

Remus took it eagerly, and looked. It was a map of Britain and Ireland, but not like ones he had seen before - there were no roads marked, no towns or cities, only the woodland areas, rendered in mossy green splodges of ink. Some of these splodges seemed to shimmer and twinkle, as if there were stars hiding beneath the tree branches.

"Got that from the Control of Magical Creatures office," Moody explained, "Thanks to Ferox here. Know what it is, lad?"

"It's…" Remus poured over it, "It's all of the forests with magic in it? Or magical creatures?"

"Exactly." Moody nodded, looking very pleased with him, "We've noticed that most of the werewolf sightings over the past few years have been in enchanted woodland, forests with a denser population of magical creatures. Now, that could just mean they're keeping their ears to the ground for you-know-who, or that there are other creatures working with them…"

Or because the scent of all that natural magic is just too good to resist, Remus thought, his own blood fizzing like champagne just from the twenty or so powerful wizards nearby. He didn't say this, of course, for his own sake.

"...and for the last couple of full moons there's been a lot of activity here," Moody pointed a stubby, scarred finger at a point on the map, somewhere in the midlands.

"Why are you telling me now?" Remus asked, "If you've been following them for months?"

"It's time." Moody said, fixing him with a hard stare, one blue eye, one brown. "Greyback's in the country for the first time since the sixties; it's been confirmed."

"Oh." Remus pursed his lips to quell the rage inside him, rearing up like a cobra, showing its teeth. Where is he?! Take me to him right now ! "Right."

"Last time you made contact you came back with some good information," Moody continued, "Those who want to join Greyback need to transform with the pack three times, that right?"

"Mm." Remus nodded. He wanted to stand up and pace, or do something physical, but he couldn't afford for either Ferox or Moody to know that there was anything wrong.

"And the next full moon is on Saturday?"

Remus nodded. He looked at Ferox, then Moody again,

"You want me to go already? To start… to…"

"Just for the moons," Ferox said, his voice calming, "Just until they trust you."

"But once they trust me," Remus said, looking at his hands, "Then… I need to meet him, right?"

"Let's see how things go." Moody said, choosing his words carefully. "We've three months to plan for that."

"Ok."

Remus didn't know what else to say. His head was full and his nerves were raw and he felt almost ready to explode, but for some weird reason he just sat there like a polite schoolboy, listening to Moody lay out the plan.

He was given a lot of rules. He would have to go alone. He could take his wand, but nothing else. He could tell nobody, not even the other members of the order, not even his best friends. Ferox began suggesting things Remus could say or do to get the pack to trust him, but Remus ignored him. He knew what to do.

"I'll walk you out, shall I, Lupin?" Ferox said finally, with a note of paternal kindness.

"Thank you," Remus said, standing up quickly.

"You're a man of few words, Lupin," Moody said, standing up too, holding out his hand once more for Remus to shake, "But I've every faith in you. I'll send the coordinates before Saturday. Make sure you're at home to receive them."

Remus nodded blankly, shaking the proffered hand. Just as he had guided him in, Ferox led Remus back out of the Auror Headquarters.

"Alright there, fella?" Ferox asked, once they were clear of the doors. The corridor was a bit quieter than it had been at nine o'clock.

"Yes. Fine."

"If there's anything you think you need, if you want me to ask Moody for something that will help, you can just--"

"How will it help?" Remus asked, suddenly, stopping in the middle of the halway. He twitched his thumb and cast muffliato , without any effort at all. Ferox blinked, surprised,

"How will what help?"

"Me, meeting Greyback? I've met three members of his pack now, and it's only made things worse each time."

"That's not true. You've given us some extremely valuable information."

"If I have," Remus said, "Then I want to know what you're using it for."

"To win the war, Remus." Ferox shook his head.

"When I met Castor last year," Remus said, his voice very low, but more out of anger than a desire to be discreet, "He told me in no uncertain terms that they were planning an attack. I told Dumbledore, and what happened? Nothing. The attack went ahead. So I'll ask again. If I'm gathering information for the Order, if I'm risking my life to do it, then I want to know what for. It's obviously not to save lives."

"Remus, that was an extremely complicated situation--"

"Explain it."

"We couldn't act, we couldn't let the werewolves know you were telling Dumbledore anything, we had to preserve your connection with them--"

"What?!" Remus stared at him, "People died! People had their whole lives ruined! Because of me?!"

"You can't think about it that way."

"How would you think about it?! I trusted him! I thought I was doing the right thing!"

"Remus, calm down !"

Remus realised that he couldn't. He wished he could apparate right then and there, but nothing happened when he tried, so he marched towards the lift instead.

"Don't follow me." He growled at Ferox, who held the doors open, stopping him from leaving.

"You need to get your head straight, kid." Ferox said, very seriously. "This is war. It's not noble, and it's not always about saving individual lives. You need to get used to that in time for Saturday."

"Don't worry." Remus turned his head, glaring at the panel of buttons. The doors began to slide shut, grinding loudly as Remus tested his magical strength against Ferox's physical muscle. "I'll be ready."

The doors shut, Ferox snatching his fingers clear at the very last second, and Remus began to move up, back towards the real world.

Remus had barely stepped out of the visitor-entrance phonebox and he was standing before his own front door - he'd stored all of that leftover magic up like a battery, and he only needed to have the slightest want and the magic did the rest. He remembered the curse Snape had thrown at James, which he'd deflected on the last day of school. It would be a useful skill, if only he could depend on it.

Not only was he full of magic, but his temper had reached boiling point now that he was home. It was a peculiar feeling - similar to the moments before transforming, right before the mind-numbing pain kicked in. A howling, grasping animal longing. God he needed to… he needed…

"Sirius?!" He burst through the door, yelling. No luck, the flat was empty. Remus gave a frustrated growl and kicked the wall, knocking a hole through the plasterboard. "Fuck." He muttered. Sirius come here .

He pressed his palm against the top of the wall and forced some magic out. The hole at the base of the wall closed over at once, thank goodness. It wasn't enough. He had more; he needed to vent it, a release valve. He pulled off his robes and then his jumper, tossing them onto the couch, pacing the room in his thin t-shirt and trousers. He could go for a run. He could apparate to the Lake District for a few hours and just run around like a madman. He could turn the wall to sponge and start punching it until he'd run out of energy. He could drink himself into oblivion. As long as he did something .

"Moony?!"

The front door opened, and there was Sirius.

"You're here!"

"Yeah, weirdest thing," Sirius closed the door behind him. He smelled of petrol and motor oil and leather, and Remus felt himself stiffen instantly. Oh. That would work. "I was working on the bike up the road, and then… I dunno, I could have sworn I heard your voice. But if you only just got back then it can't have been--"

Remus couldn't take it anymore, he crossed the room in two strides and pushed Sirius up against the door, kissing him hard. Sirius kissed him back, eager to please as always. Remus pressed harder, taking Sirius's lovely white wrists, smeared with oil, holding them and pushing a knee between his legs. He began to kiss down Sirius's neck, next, nipping at the soft flesh there, and Sirius gasped,

"Bloody hell, are you all right?"

"Mmm." Remus moaned, "Just want to…"

Sirius moved his hip slightly, pressing into Remus's rigid cock - it felt like electricity, and Remus almost lost control altogether, squeezing Sirius's wrists, slamming his eyes shut as he fought to hang on. He wasn't the only one that felt it,

"Fuck," Sirius panted, helpless in Remus's grip, "Was that you? You feel… what… what's…"

"Magic," Remus managed to stammer, eyes still closed, rolling his forehead against Sirius shoulder dizzily, "There was so much… I just… um…"

And suddenly it was Sirius who was in control, he'd turned the tables and now he was pulling Remus to the bedroom, and thank god the flat was small, and thank god there was no need anymore for silencing charms or secrecy, because this was simply not the time .

"Need you," Sirius was saying incoherently, pulling off his shirt and then tugging at Remus's, black greasy fingerprints getting everywhere, "Need to feel you everywhere..."

"Yes," Remus returned, intoxicated, "Yes yes yes…"

Whatever he was feeling, he knew Sirius could feel it too, as he pushed the magic outwards, filling the room with it, igniting every touch.

Remus groaned as their bare skin finally met and Sirius closed his eyes and shuddered. Grasping fingers and gritted teeth. Any sense of concern or shame was obliterated by the heat erupting between them. Remus gave in and thought of nothing else as he selfishly arched and bucked against Sirius, who kept feverishly whispering, "Oh Moony, Moony…" over and over. Their fierce rhythm increased as they began to tense and contract. Gasping as the world exploded, for a few blissful seconds everything went white.

That wasn't enough. They had to go twice more before Sirius was satisfied, and Remus still felt like he could run a marathon.

"If you're planning to visit the Auror's Office again," Sirius breathed hoarsely, "I'm going to need some warning."

"Sor--" Remus started, but Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth, grinning,

"Don't you dare apologise. I mean fucking hell."

Remus laughed, pulling his hand away. He waved a hand at the window lazily, and it slid open, letting cool winter air in.

"Wow," Sirius raised his eyebrows, "How long does that last?"

"It's going away," Remus said, closing his eyes. It was; he could feel his heart slowing down, his muscles relaxing. "Last time Snape's curse drained it, so I s'pose any kind if counter magic works."

"Well I'd prefer this to cursing you…" Sirius rolled over and stroked Remus's bare hip.

"Mm." Remus murmured in agreement, eyes still closed.

"So…" Sirius said, his hand still now, his voice more solemn, "It either went really well or really badly at the ministry…?"

"Both." Remus flung his arms over his face. "Do we have to talk about it?"

"Yeah I think we do."

Remus sighed heavily. He sat up, reaching for his cigarettes.

"Greyback's in England." He started.

Sirius sat up at once, frowning. He took a cigarette from the box Remus held out, placed it between his lips, lit it, and looked at Remus very seriously.

"Tell me everything."

And Remus did.

The War: The Pack

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Once upon a sunshine,

Before the final bell,

I told my story to big boy,

With connections straight from Hell.

His fiddle was his sweetheart,

He was her favourite beau,

And hear me saying was all he playing

Them songs from long ago.

And then I told my story to the cannibal king

He said baby, baby, shake that thing.

Saturday 13th January 1979

First Moon

"I hate this." Sirius said, chain smoking.

"I know you do." Remus replied. He rubbed his temples. He was getting a headache, not uncommon on a full moon.

"I mean I really hate this." Sirius puffed, staring out of the window. He stood there, one arm folded across his narrow waist, other arm crooked at the elbow so that he could hold the cigarette to his lips. He had to keep stretching up on his tiptoes to blow the smoke out of the gap in the window - it was too cold to open it all the way. Every time he reached up, his t-shirt rode up almost to his belly button, displaying soft skin and a line of fine dark hair.

Remus lay on the couch, a cold flannel on his forehead, watching Sirius inhale, stretch, puff. Lovely, lovely creature. How had Remus ever got so lucky?

"It's bloody mental, sending you on your own. Why can't I go with you? I could go as Padfoot."

"No." Remus sighed, "You still smell human. They'd tear you apart."

"What if they tear you apart?" Sirius turned sharply. He looked distraught, his cheeks were pink, which was incredible for he-of-the-porcelain-complexion.

"Me?" Remus snorted, trying to sound careless, "Greyback's prodigal son? Not likely."

"What's a prodigal son?"

"Oh right, er… just means I'm going to get a warm welcome. Gaius said not to hurt me. Livia called me her brother."

"Could I come with you for a bit? Just before anyone else shows up?"

"It's not safe, Padfoot." Remus said, gently.

Sirius stubbed out his cigarette angrily on the windowsill. Remus wished he'd stop doing that - they would need to repaint it soon - but now was not the time to scold him. "Why don't you go to the Potters'?" He suggested, "Don't spend the night here by yourself."

"I don't care where I spend the night." Sirius flung himself into the armchair.

"Well I do," Remus tutted, "I need to know where to go after the moon's down."

"Shit, yeah," Sirius sat up, sweeping his hair back, "Ok, I'll go to the Potters - then if you need any patching up Euphemia will be on hand. Fuck, what if you can't apparate? What if you--"

"I'll send a patronus."

"But if you're not strong enough…"

"I will be." Remus replied simply. He was going to an enchanted forest, based on the co-ordinates Moody had sent. If there was even half the magic there that there was in the Forbidden Forest, then Remus foresaw no problem getting himself out. Unless someone with equal strength tried to stop him, but he was trying not to think about that.

A faint chiming sound echoed through the walls. They hadn't met their neighbours properly - only waved shy 'hellos' in the hall - but they knew they had a grandfather clock, because it went off every hour and was so loud they could hear it in their living room. It was four o'clock, and the depths of winter, which meant sundown was imminent.

Remus sat up slowly, tossing aside the flannel. His back ached, early pangs telling him the moon was on its way.

"I'd better get going," he said.

Sirius stared at him, stricken. Remus tutted, getting up. He went over and kissed Sirius's forehead. "Go to the Potters'. I'll be fine. Honestly, you go on missions all the time."

"Not like this! Defensive stuff, guard duty, carrying messages, not…"

"Someone has to do it," Remus shrugged. "I'd rather it was me."

He thought of Danny again, and flinched, shaking his head to rid himself of the negative memory. It kept coming up, ever since Remus had learnt the truth about why Danny had been turned. God, the McKinnons had every reason to hate Remus.

He put his shoes on, tying the laces carefully, though he knew he'd only have to take them off again soon. He wore muggle clothes - this had been Ferox's suggestion. The werewolves had no idea where Remus was living, or how he was living. If Remus could convince them he had been shunned by the wizarding world, then all the better.

They hugged at the door, Remus's skin already burning up, Sirius clinging to him so tightly Remus thought he'd have to take him after all.

"I love you." Sirius said into his shoulder. They hadn't said it since Hope's funeral, but Remus had no trouble at all responding instantly,

"I love you too. I'll be fine. I'll see you so soon, I promise."

And then he left, and he apparated, and when Remus opened his eyes he was very much alone.

He was somewhere in Derbyshire. At least he thought so. It was rapidly growing dark, and the thick forest canopy made it darker still. The night air was very cold and clean, but Remus was already too warm, and began to strip down at once. He was alone, after all, there was no need to be shy. Except he was not alone; not completely. This was definitely a magical forest, he could taste it on the breeze, hear it in the rustling of the wintry tree branches.

The moon began to rise and Remus felt his body start to change. He braced himself against an oak, clawing at the bark with his nails, toes curling in the mouldy leaf litter.

The trees seemed to empathise. The earth rose up to meet him, damp ground cooling his feverish skin, owls and foxes and bats and all the nocturnal creatures of the woodland crying out as he screamed and his skin burst open and his bones cracked and his teeth sharpened, until he was no longer Remus, and he howled along with them.

The wolf snarled, whipping its tail. It did not know where it was, or why it was alone. Where were the others? Where was the black one? It sniffed the air, sensing something nearby. It threw back its head and howled once more, singing to the moon.

For the first time in its life, the wolf did not sing alone. A cacophony of beautiful voices joined in, answering, and he ran towards them at full pelt. With every beat of its wolfish heart it panted; home, home home. I am home.

Sunday 14th January 1979

Coughing and spluttering, Remus returned to his senses. He came back piece by piece, confused and sore and exhausted. He opened his eyes and squinted at the cold yellow morning sun flashing at him through bare branches. All around him, the sounds of others waking up, some broken sobs, rough gasps, and female laughter. Their scent was so delicious, so safe and so comforting.

Remus propped himself up on his elbows, dead leaves sticking to his mushroom-clammy skin. He had a long claw mark along his right thigh, three stripes oozing blood. Around him, six or seven others lay naked on the forest floor, slowly coming awake.

"Brother!" A familiar cackle sounded out.

Remus twisted around to see Livia crawling towards him on all fours, her hips swaying, a deranged grin on her face. In the daylight her tattoos looked like animal markings; they covered every inch of her scrawny body in great sweeping spirals, "I knew you would come!"

She knelt at his feet, and he tried to draw his knees up away from her, but she shot out a hand and grabbed his ankle. "You were beautiful, Remus Lupin, beautiful," she purred, leaning forward, her hand moving up his leg,

"Get off me, Livia," he growled, trying to kick at her - but she held him fast.

"Shhh," She said playfully, leaning over even further, her hand moving ever closer, "Just relax my love, my darling brother…"

She stretched out her hand and ran three splayed fingers down the cuts on his leg. It felt weird. His whole body seemed to tingle and quiver, he felt warm and - worryingly - on the verge of arousal. He did pull away then, scuttling backwards on all fours like a crab. Livia laughed at him, holding up her three bloody fingertips, then sucking them into her mouth one by one, grinning and murmuring with pleasure.

Disturbed, he stood up quickly, finding that whatever Livia had done, it had healed the wound. He was left only with a silvery scar.

The others were up too, and closing in on him, walking towards Remus through the trees, eyes burning with curiosity, sniffing at the air. Some of them were cut or scratched, but they each healed each other, just by touching and channeling the natural magic which surrounded them. Many of them had shaved heads and the beginnings of the same tattoos Livia had. Others were perhaps more recent initiants, and had longer hair, clear skin.

Remus wanted to summon his clothes, and ideally his wand too, but it seemed a bit rude when everyone else was starkers too. Besides, he wasn't cold, at least not yet. He wasn't frightened, either, which seemed strange. He looked around at the other faces. Still that voice deep within him said; pack , pack , home .

"Gaius," Livia said, suddenly, standing up. Gaius was at her side in an instant. He smiled at Remus, licking his lips,

"Welcome, brother."

"Welcome, brother!" The others echoed, one after the other, like a peel of bells. Remus felt a surge of adrenaline, of strong, undeniable connection.

"We're so glad you could join us," Gaius said. Livia turned to him, and began to lick his wounds, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Castor was there too, but he hung back. Since Remus had last met him, Castor had received a wound which slashed his face, a long split across the nose. It was healed over, but it ruined his once beautiful face.

Remus remembered himself, and found his voice,

"I've had enough," he said, raising his chin. "I've had enough of the humans, I want to see what else there is."

Gaius's grin widened, and Livia looked up too, blood on her lips and teeth.

"Our father will be so pleased," they said in unison,

"So pleased!" Repeated the group.

"I want to meet him," Remus said, "Will you tell him that?"

"In time, Remus Lupin." Livia and Gaius said.

"In time…"

Something was happening, though, the pack was retreating. They walked away, back into the trees, the brush, fading into the landscape like the predators they were. Remus felt a tug in his chest. He wanted to follow them; he didn't want to lose their company yet.

"Where are you going?" He asked Livia, as she too began to back away.

"We will see you next month, Remus Lupin," she said, her face softening somewhat - she looked almost kind, if you ignored the blood drying in the corners of her mouth, "It is not long to wait."

"But I…"

They both turned, and did not look back.

Now Remus started feeling cold. The chill seemed to begin inside him and work its way out. He felt a horrible empty loneliness that hadn't been there before. Their scent was gone, their familiarity, the safety they represented. Jesus Christ, Moony , he hissed at himself, Sort yourself out, you're not really one of them!

He summoned his clothes quickly, and held his wand tight. It felt weird; somehow vestigial. Much easier to simply summon the strength in his own body, at his very fingertips, no need for a silly stick. He frowned. He did not feel himself. Best to apparate back to the Potters' quickly, before he turned completely feral.

He apparated to the back door, and knocked weakly on the glass of the french windows. He felt much more tired by then; perhaps the effort of apparition, or just being away from the forest and back in mundanity. Mrs Potter was already in the kitchen, and came over at once, opening the doors.

She beamed at him with creased and wrinkled eyes,

"Remus, dear," she said, her voice very quiet - the others must still be sleeping. "I'd better ask you something… let me see… oh, I'm no good at this… ah; where did you and the boys go on holiday before your seventh year?"

"Cornwall," Remus replied promptly, grateful to be reminded of that wonderful summer, "Near Truro."

"Lovely," she opened the door. "Now, are you all right? Anything hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," he said, stepping into the kitchen, extending his arms as if to prove his good health to her. Oh god, now he was in the house he could smell Sirius, and everything in him wanted to seek him out at once.

"Lovely," Mrs Potter smiled, tiredly. "Well then, I think I'll go back to bed, it's hours until breakfast. The boys are sleeping, Sirius is in his room, but if you wanted a bit of peace and quiet I've made up the spare bed too."

"Thanks, Mrs Potter!" Remus said, practically running up the stairs to the bedroom Sirius was in. He remembered himself just before slamming the door open, and instead pushed it gently, peering inside.

It was quite dark, the heavy curtains drawn over the early sunrise. "Are you awake?" he whispered - redundantly, because he knew that he was.

"Moony!" Sirius sat up immediately.

Remus hurried over to the bed, hanging back at the last moment, because no, he wasn't a wolf now; he was human and he had to act it.

"Are you ok?!"

"Yes," he nodded emphatically, "It was fine, it was nothing. We just hunted."

"Hunted?!" Sirius's eyes widened.

"Rabbits." Remus clarified. He could still taste the gamey flesh between his teeth. His stomach flipped and he grew warm once more, "Honestly, it was fine. Easy."

"I was so worried about you, I didn't even sleep… don't you want to get in?" He pulled back the covers.

"Er…" Remus shifted, still standing, "I'm a bit… on edge."

Sirius frowned, confused. Remus cleared his throat,

"You know. Like the other day?"

"Oh!" Sirius reached out and touched Remus's arm lightly. He bit his lip, shivering delightfully, getting a taste of the same feeling. "So you are. Um…"

He reached out and put his hands on Remus's hips, curling his fingers in under the waistband of his jeans, Sirius tugged him towards him, "That's ok, I can sleep later…"

They did sleep later, both of them, and thankfully James and Lily and the Potters left them undisturbed. When they woke up at five o'clock in the evening, Remus felt like the worst guest in the world, though of course Sirius was perfectly at home.

Remus tried to explain the night's events to Sirius, but there were things he couldn't help glossing over. Livia healing him in that intimate way. The desire he'd had to stay, to follow them. It wasn't lying. He was being as honest as he thought was safe.

Later, he told Moody and Ferox an even more censored version. They didn't ask for much detail, to be fair, and Remus didn't see why he should give them everything. He was keen to keep the other werewolves' identities private for as long as he realistically could, and for now they were only interested in Greyback.

As for Remus, he was the closest he had ever been to the thing he had wanted ever since he was a child. He was going to meet the man who destroyed his life. And he was going to kill him.

Sunday 11th February 1979

Second Moon

In the intervening month, Remus tried to retain a semblance of normality. He attended meetings and met his friends - often he would go and see the girls on their lunch break; Lily and Marlene at St Mungo's, Mary only a short bus trip away in Kensington. He phoned Grant if Sirius was away and he got lonely, and he listened to records and he read books.

But he couldn't ignore how different he felt. Sometimes it caught him off guard; a memory would come to him, or a scent, and his toes curled and he licked his teeth. His dreams became almost exclusively about forests and howling and cool soft moonlight.

He was better prepared, the second time. Just as nervous, though. He apparated to the same spot as before, in case they came to meet him - but they didn't and he transformed alone.

The wolf found its pack even faster this time. They keened and yapped in greeting, the alpha bitch nipped his ear and rubbed herself against him, the younger wolves ducked their heads in submission. Then the hunt began. The wolf could not remember ever having felt such uncomplicated joy before, even with its other pack. The rage and the fear and the hunger slipped away with the wind in its fur, the scent of the herd they stalked.

When they finally caught up to the deer, Remus, Gaius, Livia and Castor were the first in; they took down the stag. The others followed suit, closing in on the struggling beast. The wolf leapt and dug in its claws, relishing the panicked heartbeat of its prey. It sank in its teeth and tore away flesh, and hot rich blood slid down its throat.

When Remus woke up, he was not hungry.

He allowed Livia to lick his wounds clean this time, too dopey and satisfied to think too hard about any of the implications.

"Will I meet Greyback next month?" He asked, before Castor and Livia could melt back into the shadows.

"Our father is looking forward to meeting you Remus Lupin," Livia said, "You must be a little more patient, my brother."

"Have I proved myself?"

"It is not for us to decide."

He stayed in the forest longer than usual - perhaps just out of laziness. Even alone, he felt better there than he had anywhere else. He would have liked to curl up and sleep beneath the trees. When Remus finally reappeared outside the Potters' back door, it was the middle of breakfast.

Lily, James and Sirius were there, faces anxious and drawn, nursing large cups of milky tea. Mrs Potter was standing at the window peering out, and jumped when Remus arrived. She swung the door open.

"There you are!"

"Sorry," he murmured, a bit wobbly on his feet.

"Oh my god, Moony, are you ok?!" Lily was at the door now too, and she pointed at him, horrified. He looked down and saw the blood - it had trickled down his chin and neck, pooling in the hollow above his collar bones, and dried there without his even noticing.

"Shit," he rubbed at his mouth self consciously, "It's not mine, it's not--"

James came to the door next, and Remus suddenly felt very queasy, covered in stag's blood, having feasted on deer only hours before. He stuck out an arm to lean against the wall, giddily.

"Come on, Moony," Sirius ducked between James and Lily and touched Remus's hand lightly, "Let's get you cleaned up…"

Gratefully, Remus allowed himself to be led upstairs to the bathroom. Sirius ran a warm bath, and then stood leaning against the sink while Remus soaked himself, blinking dazedly at the rust coloured swirls in the warm water.

"It's not human," he said, shakily.

"I know," Sirius said, "It's deer, I can smell it."

"You can?" Remus looked up at him. Sirius wrinkled his nose,

"I have to concentrate, but yeah. I was talking to Prongs about it, the longer we're animagi the more weird things we notice. Hope I don't go colour blind next, eh?"

Remus tried to laugh at this attempt to alleviate the tension, but he was too shaken up.

"Was it bad?" Sirius asked, gently, lowering his voice as if Remus was an invalid.

No , Remus thought to himself. It was wonderful. I was happy; I was normal. He was disgusted with himself. What's happening to me?

He looked at Sirius and nodded. "Yeah. It was bad."

Tuesday 13th March 1979

Third Moon

"I don't want to go back to the Potters' this time." Remus said, before he had to leave for the third moon with the pack.

"What?" Sirius came out of the kitchen, where he'd been doing the washing up. He was becoming steadily more house proud - or maybe it was just nervous energy; the war was hotting up for everyone, not just Remus.

He was wearing a pair of bright yellow marigolds, which Remus had bought him as a joke, but he loved so much he wore every time. They were wet and shining, dripping suds on the carpet.

"I said I don't want to go back to the Potters'." Remus repeated, "In the morning. You can stay there, obviously, but I… I just won't, ok? I don't know how safe it is, I don't want anyone to follow me."

"We've been fine so far…"

Sirius had been doing that a lot; saying 'we' when it was really only about Remus.

"I think we've been careless." Remus shrugged. "I won't put them in danger again."

"Ok." Sirius nodded. He peeled off the gloves slowly, "Where do you want to go, then?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe Cornwall? That castle ruin we visited, do you remember?"

"Of course I remember. Shall I meet you there?"

"Wait for my signal. I want it to be safe." Remus shifted from foot to foot. He wanted to pace; his back was aching again and he needed to go soon, but he kept still in case it worried Sirius.

"Moony, if it's not safe then I'd rather be there so I can help. I know Prongs and Wormtail and Evans will too--"

"No." Remus raised his voice. "No, please."

"But Moony--"

"Look, I have to go." He practically flew out of the door; he didn't even put his coat on.

He hadn't said a proper goodbye. He hadn't even said 'I love you', which they had been doing every time they were separated, just in case. But of course Remus thought he was coming back. He couldn't have known what the pack had planned.

This time it was a relief to shed his human form and give up responsibility for a few hours. They ran and played and fought and howled through the night, rustling fairies up from the underbrush, following scents they picked up.

As the moon began to fade, the wolf slowed down, started to whimper as it felt its body shrinking back to pathetic human form. The others stopped too, and drew in close.

Livia was the first to pounce, and Remus, half wolf, half man by this point, tried to struggle but she held him fast, her paws becoming claw-like hands. Castor and Gaius had him too, pinning him down as Remus groaned and clenched his teeth through the pains of transformation.

And then he was human once more, pressed into the ground by the pack, braced against their tangle of strong, hot limbs. He raised his head, yelling,

"What are you doing?! Let me go!"

Livia laughed, astride him, throwing her head back, and then it happened. That weird sucking, squeezing sensation as all four of them apparated, Remus helpless to do anything but cling on and pray he didn't get splinched.

Suddenly the ground beneath him was hard, cold stone, rocks digging into his bare back. The others finally got off him, and he scrambled to his feet, staring around wildly. They were indoors, in a high ceilinged chamber, like a - was it a church ?! It was cold, and it reeked of the pack, and ancient magic. The others stood around him, smiling madly.

"Where the fuck am--" Remus started, but stopped short as Livia stepped to one side and a tall, dark figure approached. Remus knew that scent, he knew those burning yellow eyes. He froze, paralysed by terror. Greyback stepped towards him, teeth bared in a cruel smile.

"Welcome home, cub."

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is 'Shake that Thing' by The Sensational Alexander Harvey Band

'Marigolds' are those bright yellow rubber gloves you wear when washing up. Not sure if that's just a UK name for them or what.

The War: Captive

Chapter Summary

CW for some unpleasant childhood flashbacks, and obviously Remus is now in Greyback's clutches, so not a lot of fun stuff here.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent

You asked for the latest party.

With your silicone hump and your ten-inch stump

Dressed like a priest you was; Todd Browning freak you was.

Crawling down the alley on your hands and knees

I'm sure you're not protected for it's plain to see,

The diamond dogs are poachers and they hide behind trees.

Hunt you to the ground, they will,

Mannequins with kill appeal.

Wednesday 14th March 1979

"Welcome home, cub."

Remus said nothing. For now, he had nothing to say. He just wanted to get a good look.

Fenrir Greyback. Remus had expected him to be taller. He wasn't short by any standards, but when Remus stood up straight they were eye level. That was good. That gave him a flutter of courage.

He may not be taller than Remus, but Greyback was certainly bigger in every other way; hulking broad shoulders, thick squat neck, muscular arms. He had long, thick yellow fingernails, dark wiry hair covering his forearms and sprouting up over the collar of his cloak, meeting a dark beard that was more like fur than hair. His eyes were dangerous, inhuman.

The magic radiating off him was not like a wizard's; at least not any Remus had encountered. Like a full moon, it was searing. The scent, while sickeningly familiar, was not inviting.

Remus had felt at home with the pack; he had felt he belonged. But not with this man. He was the enemy, and always would be.

"Like what you see?" Greyback's smile widened, showing sharp, predatory teeth, long yellow canines.

Remus stared impassively back, mouth shut.

He realised that Greyback did not like it. Greyback had expected him to speak - to beg, or to rage, or even panic. And Remus knew exactly what to do with bullies who wanted a reaction.

He cocked his head, pulled a nonchalant face and shrugged.

"S'ok, I s'pose. Oi, could I get my clothes back?"

Greyback's pupils seemed to dilate, or maybe Remus just imagined it. Either way, he recovered quickly, still smiling stiffly.

"Where are my manners? Castor!" He snapped his claw-like fingers.

Castor appeared at Greyback's side in a moment, straight-backed and wrapped in a fur cloak, carrying a bundle of clothes. Livia was there too, gazing adoringly at her father. The old church they stood in had no ceiling, and in the rosey dawn light Remus could clearly see Castor's face for the first time. There were three long pink scars down one side; claw marks, pink and soft as burnt skin.

Greyback saw him staring.

"Shame about that," He said said, reaching out and stroking Castor's cheek with one filthy fingernail. Castor did not flinch. "Hated to ruin something so pleasant to look at, but he's learnt his lesson, haven't you, cub?"

Castor nodded, staring straight ahead like a soldier.

"Good boy." Greyback stroked his scarred cheek. "Still beautiful though, eh Remus?"

Remus said nothing, and looked away, disgusted.

"And I thought you were a connoisseur of beauty." Greyback tutted with mock-disappointment. "That's why I sent you my loveliest children."

Livia gave a shiver of pleasure at that, tossing her head proudly.

Castor held out Remus's clothes, and he took them, dressing carefully. He felt in his jeans pocket for his wand, but it wasn't there.

"Ah," Greyback growled, "Looking for this?"

He withdrew the long thin stick from his own mud-spattered robes. Remus felt a horrible twist of longing for it. "I'm afraid we don't allow these foolish human toys." Greyback smirked. He took Remus's wand in both hands and snapped it clean it two.

Remus had to struggle not to cry out. That had been Lyall's wand. In fact, it had been the only thing Lyall had ever given Remus that wasn't completely worthless. He bit the inside of his cheek, hard.

Greyback handed the wand fragments to Livia, who twiddled them gleefully between her fingers like batons. Remus raised his chin, defiantly,

"What do you want from me?"

"I want what I have always wanted, cub," Greyback stepped closer, so that Remus could smell his sour breath, their noses only inches apart, "I want to take care of you."

He reached out to place a hand on Remus's shoulder, and it took every ounce of Remus's will not to flinch, or duck away. Greyback's long fingers squeezed him in a fatherly manner - but a bit too close to his throat for comfort.

"I've come to join you," Remus breathed, struggling to hold his nerve.

Greyback tilted back his head and laughed. It was a gruff, wheezing laugh from deep inside his chest.

"That's what my children tell me. Remus Lupin has joined us, they say, he has cast off the human world… But I wonder..." He licked his lips, looking Remus up and down lasciviously, "I wonder if Remus Lupin has truly changed his ways…"

"I'm here, aren't I?" Remus protested, "I've spent three moons with--"

"And where were you between the moons?" Greyback challenged. He sniffed the air between them. "You reek of humankind."

With that, he released Remus's shoulder, pushing him backwards, hard. Remus hit the stone floor with a thump, and a gasp of surprise and pain as his back jarred. Greyback walked away, his pack dividing to let him through.

"Castor, Livia," he snarled, "Look after our guest. See if we can't wring some of that humanity out of him."

Remus climbed to his feet stiffly, and went to chase after Greyback, but Livia and Gaius blocked him with their bodies. Over their shoulders, he watched Greyback leave the church through an open archway, and disappear into the bright green foliage beyond.

Alone and wandless, Remus backed away from the others warily. He wondered if he could apparate, but he didn't dare - and after all, surely this was the mission? He had achieved what he'd set out to; he was in Greyback's pack. Pushing any thought of home or his friends aside, Remus faced his captors. Now was the time to be brave.

Livia approached him first, tossing his splintered wand parts away and grabbing his arms, twisting them hard behind his back. Castor came next, same stoic expression on his face. He was unwinding a length of rope, holding it out.

"Oi!" Remus struggled against Livia, "Piss off, you're not tying me up!"

"It is not for long, brother," Livia hissed in his ear. "It is necessary." Then she licked him - she ran her long tongue up from the nape of his neck almost to his hairline. He shuddered in disgust, struggling harder, but she only laughed - she was so strong.

They bound him tightly, then forced him forwards, Castor leading, tugging on the rope around Remus's arms and body; Livia pushing from behind.

He stumbled awkwardly through the church, still unsteady on his feet, having only just transformed.

He was shoved towards what must once have been the altar. Behind that was an old arched ambulatory, and beneath those shadows a set of steps leading down into a grave-like cellar. They began to descend, the strong smell of damp earth rising.

"Where are we?" Remus tried asking.

"We are home." Castor replied, without looking back.

Livia gave him a rough jab in the back, and he didn't ask any more questions.

They reached the bottom of the stairs, which opened out into a crypt, the vaulted ceiling only just tall enough for Remus to stand straight.

There was not much there. A weird, milky light filled the room but appeared to have no natural source. There were gated chambers either side of the walls, once for tombs, Remus assumed, but now emptied. They had been replaced by blankets, old stained pillows and animal furs.

Remus blinked hard, his eyes adjusting to the light, and before he could get his bearings was thrown forward into one of the cells. Livia growled some incantation and the wrought iron bars slammed closed across it, the heavy black chains coiling tight over the lock.

"Oi!" Remus threw himself wildly against the bars, "What the fuck?!"

"Sit." Livia barked. Remus's legs folded beneath him and he was down. She smiled at him. "Rest, brother. Patience."

"I came here to join you, you can't treat me like --"

"Do not make me silence you." She hissed.

He shut his mouth - voluntarily. Perhaps it would be better to wait and see, for now. Livia licked her lips. "Try to rest."

She stalked away. Castor was left behind, staring at Remus, face inscrutable, body still rigid. Remus stared back. His poor face. Had that been because of Remus? Had he been punished for that last time in the Forbidden Forest? His dark eyes bore into Remus for a long time, unflinching, until Remus scowled at him,

"What?!"

"Is Remus Lupin truly here to join the pack? To submit himself to our father?"

"What d'you think?!" Remus jutted out his chin, though he knew he hardly looked dignified, sitting on the filthy floor with his arms bound against his body.

"I think…" Castor inclined his head slightly, as though nobody had ever asked him about his own thoughts before. "...I think that Remus Lupin does not yet know what he will do."

Remus didn't have a response for that. Obviously he'd like to think that was not true, that his will was iron, unbreakable. But just now, trapped and unarmed and exhausted, he couldn't muster up much pride.

Castor didn't seem to mind. He just nodded very slightly, and then backed away, into the room. "Rest, Remus lupin." He said, before turning his back.

The crypt was filling up now, the other werewolves were arriving, saturating the room with their scent and their energy. Remus backed into a corner, knees up to his chest, and watched them from the shadows. Their ages only varied slightly - Remus didn't think any of them were older than thirty. In various states of undress, he could see that all of them were thin and scarred, and some tattooed. None of them were particularly clean.

Still, as they all settled in, apparently to sleep off the events of the full moon, Remus couldn't help but feel some sense of security and warmth. He was still getting used to being surrounded by his own kind, and the urge to settle down and make himself comfortable as they were all doing was strong. As if their hearts were all beating as one; they were all part of the same body, and now was the time for sleep.

Livia was nowhere to be seen, nor Greyback, and Remus took some comfort from this. The dark chamber grew warm, and as the pack settled in quietly, murmuring and whispering amongst themselves as they bedded down, Remus's eyelids grey heavy and his limbs soft, and eventually the exhaustion caught up with him and he drifted away.

"Where are you, you filthy little beast?!" Matron's nasal voice screeched as she stalked up and down the echoey hallways, high heels clicking like a predator. "When I get my hands on you I'm going to wallop you into next week!"

Remus curled up even tighter in his hiding place, covering his ears with his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. She'd never find him; he was too good at hiding, and very very small.

He was underneath one of the big boys' beds. He knew he wasn't supposed to be in their dorm, he'd get beaten up if one of them found him; but he knew how to keep quiet. He'd learnt that in the first few days at St Edmund's, and now he'd been there for some time he hardly ever got picked on unless he'd really got in someone's way.

Remus didn't feel very well. He was starting to hurt all over, and his skin was all hot and prickly.

He wanted his mummy, but he didn't know where she was anymore. Maybe she'd gone somewhere with Daddy, and they'd come and get him soon. Maybe they were hunting down the bad man who hurt him.

Remus pinched himself, hard. He didn't want to think about the scary man. He couldn't remember very much of it, except when he was really frightened. Pinching helped, except now the hurting all over was getting even worse. The bones in his legs stung, and he desperately wanted to stretch them out, but then someone might see him.

Finally it was too much, and another wave of pain forced him to uncurl, letting out a cry.

"Owww…."

"Ah ha!"

Oh no. Matron. Suddenly there was a hand around his ankle, and she yanked him hard out from under the bed.

"There you are you little monster! Come with me, you know you've got to go to your room."

"No…" he moaned, as she hoisted him up and carried him under one arm. Not the room. He hated his room; it was so scary. "Let me go!" He beat his fists against her, but she barely reacted, marching down the corridor, down the stairs and towards his cell.

"Let me go!" He screamed, crying now, snot and tears running down his face, "I want my mummy! I want my mummy!"

"She's not here." Matron snapped. She opened the door and set him down inside, slamming it shut hard in his face. He heard the bolts go and began to cry harder.

It was so dark.

He was scared of the dark, ever since the bad man, and Mummy always let him have the hallway light on. But Matron wasn't like Mummy; she never did nice things, only horrible things, because he'd been so bad. Was he here because he was bad? Was that why Mummy didn't want him, and Daddy went away?

He sobbed and screamed, but nobody came. It was too scary, and too dark, and it hurt, it hurt it hurt…. A horrible growling filled his head, and suddenly Remus remembered why he didn't feel well, and why he had to be locked in his room.

Remus awoke with a start. His face was wet with tears, and he was sweating all over. It took him long seconds to remember that he was nineteen, not six, and not locked in his cell at St Edmund's.

He hadn't thought about the Home for a long time - and he tried never to re-hash those memories. His heart pounded in his ears, adrenaline coursed through him and he struggled to get his emotions back under control.

He was being watched. It was Jeremy - the young man Gaius had been recruiting back in the Manticore's head. He was leaning against the bars, peering at Remus,

"Bad dream?" He asked, his voice rasping, as though he was getting over a bad cold. He was thinner than Remus remembered.

Remus straightened up quickly, reaching up to wipe his face with the back of his sleeves, finding that the ropes had mysteriously vanished. Had someone come in and untied him? Had Livia done it somehow?

The room behind Jeremy was empty, now; it was just the two of them.

"It's ok," Jeremy said, conversationally, "I had bad dreams too, when I first got here. We all do. They tell us it's all of the old stuff coming to the surface; the memories we don't need. Once they're gone, we can start our new lives with the pack."

"Were you all locked up like this?" Remus asked, his throat sore. He was thirsty, but he didn't want to look weak.

"No." Jeremy shrugged. "Just you. They're worried about you. After what you pulled back in the pub. And there are other stories. They talk about you sometimes."

"Who does? Livia? Castor? Greyback??"

Jeremy shrugged again, apathetic.

"Yeah. That lot. They're in charge. Livia's first, because she was turned by Greyback. You get better stuff, if you're a direct descendent."

Remus snorted. He wondered if Jeremy knew that he had been turned by Greyback too, and whether or not being tied up and thrown in a cell counted as 'better stuff'.

Jeremy began to cough, a deep, chesty crackle, which wracked his body and doubled him over. He pulled his fur cloak tighter around his skinny frame, and Remus finally felt something beyond fear or anger. He felt sympathy.

"Do you all live here, in this place?" He asked, softly, looking around at the dank cellar. "Between the moons?"

Jeremy nodded.

"Better than where I was before." He said. Then, as if bored with the conversation, he simply stepped away. "I'm hungry." he said blandly. "I'll tell someone you're awake. See you."

And Remus was alone again. He climbed to his feet, carefully, checking that nothing was broken or sprained or too sore. No, he actually felt better than he usually did, after a moon - even with Madam Pomfrey's care. If only he wasn't trapped. If only they hadn't destroyed his wand. He reached into his jeans and found that they'd left him with his pocket watch, at least.

Remus held the heavy metal object in his hand, letting it grow warm against his skin. He thought about Sirius - though he knew he ought not to; he didn't know who was listening in on his thoughts, and even if nobody was; Sirius was a weakness.

Was he worried? He must be, Remus told himself. That's what love was, surely.

Had he gone to the castle ruin in Cornwall, where they'd agreed to meet? Had he waited and waited, wondering where Remus was, what had become of him? Perhaps he'd raised the alarm; told the Potters first, then got hold of Moody, or even Dumbledore. Remus didn't think either would be much help. As far as they were concerned, Remus would be in one of three situations:

1.Dead.pleting his mission to infiltrate the werewolves.

3.Turned double agent and actually joined the werewolves.

And from Moody's perspective, whichever it was, Remus was best left where he was. He hoped no one had said that to Sirius.

Already feeling his resolve slipping. Remus forced Sirius to the back of his mind. There was nothing he could do but try his hardest to see the mission through, stay alive, and get back to him. That had to be his focus.

He paced the cell a few times. It wasn't big; maybe five steps across, three deep. The animal pelts it had been lined with were deer and bear, and something else Remus didn't recognise. Not wolf. Not anything native to Britain. He touched the bars; they felt weirdly warm and seemed to hum against his skin. Magic.

Having a sudden brainwave, Remus stepped back and closed his eyes. He was a bit stiff and still foggy from sleep, but the magic was there, in the room. Leftover from the pack, and from Livia's binding spells. He tried to gather some of it into himself. It was very difficult, without a wand, and with his nerves so shaken.

He pulled and tugged at the atmosphere around him, but it was like trying to smoke an unlit cigarette. Nothing came through, and he just got out of breath. The magic seemed just beyond his grasp.

"Admirable efforts, dearest."

Remus opened his eyes and jumped, seeing Livia now standing in the middle of the room. She grinned at his discomfort, and gestured to Jeremy, who was coming down the steps behind her, holding a large pewter jug and a plate with some food on it. Bread and meat - it smelled like rabbit, and Remus hoped it was. He began to salivate almost at once.

Livia snapped her fingers, and the jug and plate left Jeremy's hands and appeared on the floor of Remus's cell with a *pop*. So, he thought. You could transport things through the bars. That meant he could get out of them, if he tried hard enough.

"Eat up, my darling," Livia purred. "Father wishes us to be strong."

"Thank you." Remus said. He made eye contact with her, and tried to hold it. That had worked with Gaius - and accidentally with Danny. They'd submitted to him, eventually.

Livia returned his stare and smiled, looking very pleased.

"That's my boy."

"Where's Greyback?"

"Show some respect." Her eyes flashed, and Remus felt a stabbing pain in his skull. He gasped, pressing a flat palm to his forehead, "He is our father." Livia hissed.

"All right!" He yelped, "Where is our… our father?" It made him sick to say it.

"That is none of your concern."

"I want to speak to him!"

"In time. Once you have proved yourself."

"How am I supposed to prove anything locked up in here?!" Remus raged, frustrated. Livia just smiled back at him.

"Remus Lupin will find a way. Goodbye, brother. Do remember to eat something."

She turned and stalked out, snapping her fingers at Jeremy as she did so. He scurried to follow her back up the stairs, giving one backward glance at Remus as he did, and mouthing, 'Sorry .'

Remus watched their feet disappear as they reached the stop of the stairs, and then heard a loud grinding noise as something heavy closed over the hatch. The strange light that had illuminated the room all this time went out, like a light switch, and Remus was left alone, locked in the dark.

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is Diamond Dogs, by David Bowie 3

The War: Submission

Chapter Summary

Warnings: Lots of nasty stuff in here; Remus is imprisoned and alone, he has some very dark/depressive thoughts. Also some negative body image stuff, bullying, abusive relationships, hallucinations, paranoia.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Oh! You silly thing

You've really gone and done it now

Oh! You silly thing

You really gone and done it now

Sunday 25th March 1979

Remus was going mad.

That was the only explanation.

Time passed slowly, each second eeked out over weeks - and then hours whooshed by all at once, like missiles, knocking the breath out of him.

They brought him meals, and that was the only way he could measure out his days. No one spoke to him; perhaps they had been warned not to. Perhaps it was part of his proving himself. They looked, though. They stared.

The pack returned every night to sleep - sometimes Livia, Gaius and Castor were there. Other times not. Never Greyback, though sometimes Remus thought he could smell him - but that might have been the madness. After two days in the dark he didn't trust his senses.

After a week, he trusted nothing.

He was never quite comfortable, always restless and exhausted; pacing until his feet were bruised. He slept little and often; caught between fitful bursts of unconsciousness and insomnia. And he had terrible dreams. Every bad memory squirmed its way up to surface of his mind. Mostly St Edmund's, but also that summer after fifth year, when he'd been at his loneliest, and hated Sirius.

He grew paranoid, convinced that it was the others - they were controlling his mind, somehow; forcing him to see things he didn't want to see; things that weren't there.

Sometimes he dreamed Sirius was dead. Then, when that had wrung all the terror out of him, he dreamed of each of of his friends dying, one by one. Their ghosts visited him, weeping or raging. When he woke up, he never felt like they'd quite gone.

Other times Remus wondered if in fact he was dead, and this was some extremely specifically designed hell.

By the end of the first week, he had lost all sense of shame. He wept, he howled, he keened. He laughed maniacally, or else curled up in the corner and whispered to himself. He tried to have conversations in his head, but it didn't work the same way as before. Grant's calming voice transformed into Livia, Sirius into Castor, and Remus was left with no escape at all.

In moments of lucidity, he tried to summon more magic, but it was very hard, and he was so weak.

Sometimes he thought he could do it. One of the others might perform a spell (always wandless; none of them ever did magic the wizard way) to summon something, or illuminate the room - and Remus felt that old stirring of power. But it never lasted long enough.

Finally, Remus's parents appeared to him - in his head, but also in the cell. Hope was crying - she was still sick, even in death, her face gaunt and haggard. She wore a white shroud, and there was earth in her fair hair - even though Remus knew she'd been cremated.

Lyall was the worst, though; maybe because Remus had no solid basis for him, beyond a few candid photographs. The Lyall his feverish imagination dreamt up was heartlessly cruel, with a plummy, upper-class accent and cold blue eyes.

"Let that animal destroy my wand, did you?" The spindly ghost whispered in his ear, "I should have put you out of your misery, all those years ago."

While the other ghosts shamed him, made him feel small and sorry, Lyall had only ever made Remus angry. He raved like a madman at his father, and flung himself at the walls of his cage.

"Peace, brother." Castor appeared at the bars, after Remus had been doing this for some time. "This is not the way."

"Fuck off!" Remus snarled, holding his head in his hands as he tried to ground himself in reality.

Castor withdrew. Remus continued to suffer. He curled up on the floor and covered his head like a wounded dog. That made him think of Sirius.

Stupid thoughts occurred to him, like - where was Sirius staying? At the Potters'? At their flat? Remus didn't like the idea of Sirius all alone. Was he eating properly? Was he smoking too much? Had he fallen off that stupid bike yet, and broken his neck?!

Was anyone even looking for Remus?

He shut his eyes and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. At home in his tiny London flat, reading the paper. Or in his old bed at Hogwarts, with the curtains drawn over.

At night in the crypt, Remus could hear the rest of the pack breathing, snoring, rolling over. Some of them cried, maybe when they thought no one else was awake. Most of the coughed, a result of the damp conditions. After a week, Remus caught the cough too, and felt weaker than ever.

He'd never been bulky , exactly - he'd always been decidedly skinny, even after seven years of Hogwarts food. But now Remus barely recognised his own body - the bones in his hips became sharp, his drainpipe jeans slipped down his waist, his ribs stuck up like branches on a winter tree, and his skin grew dry and raw, cracking in places.

This physical weakness only compounded Remus's despair - who did he think he was, joining some stupid rebel army right after school? Had none of the hundreds of books he'd read imbued him with any common sense?!

Of course he couldn't go up against Greyback - the idea was laughable. So laughable, in fact, that Greyback wasn't even going to kill him. Remus was not worth the effort. He was simply going to waste away to nothing in this cell, and nobody would ever know.

"You are not trying." Castor said, returning to view him.

Maybe it had only been a few hours since the first time he'd tried to get through to Remus. Maybe it had been days.

It must have been daytime, because no one else was in the crypt.

"Let me out!" Remus babbled, clutching at the bars of his cage. "Please!"

"Let yourself out." Castor returned, coldly.

"I don't have my wand!"

Castor tutted at him. He held out his empty palm, and a blood red flame appeared in it. It lent a soft, alluring glow to Castor's features, blurring the jagged edges of his scar and making him beautiful again.

"We do not need wands, Remus, we do not borrow magic like common humans."

"I don't have enough." Remus groaned, slumping back.

"Idiot." Castor said, closing his hand over the flame, burning it into a fist. "You are brimming with it. You are still thinking like a human. Why do you think he put you here?"

"To watch me die."

"Idiot." Castor repeated, shaking his head disdainfully.

" Why , then?!" Remus growled.

Castor glanced around covertly to confirm that they were alone. He came closer. His scent was stronger as he positioned himself right up against the cell bars, and Remus felt an involuntary pull of attraction towards him. Castor lowered his voice,

"You are being tested, you fool. You are only the fourth child of Greyback to return to him - do you know what position that gives you?! What kind of power?! You've seen Livia and Gaius, you know what you are capable of."

"But why--"

"You attacked Gaius. Last summer. Greyback is worried about you now - he won't say it, but he is. No one challenges those two, no one ."

"I didn't mean to challenge anyone, he attacked me first, and I--"

"You acted like a wolf." Castor said, triumphantly, his soft lips curling at the corners, "And that is what you must do now."

"Why are you telling me this?" Remus eyed him suspiciously. Because it made a weird kind of sense, now, as if Castor had shaken him awake.

"Because you are no good to me in this cage." Castor said, dark eyes burning with intensity. "A year ago Remus Lupin spoke to me of change. Of a better life. I have not forgotten."

"I seem to remember you laughing in my face." Remus returned, bitterly, "'The pack is everything', wasn't that what you said?"

"The pack is everything." Castor said, fiercely. "That has not changed. Other things have. You are not without allies, here."

"If you want my help so badly, then you get me out." Remus said.

Castor raised an eyebrow, giving Remus a long hard appraising look.

"It will be better for you if you do it yourself. The others must see you succeed."

Remus was about to ask another question, when the atmosphere changed - Livia was coming. Castor backed away quickly, and said nothing more. Remus watched him from a distance, his mind finally beginning to work.

He needed magic. He needed power, and he needed a good strong emotion to get it all going. Luckily, Remus had always had strong emotions in abundance. That, and patience.

Buoyed by Castor's intriguing proposition, Remus found it much easier to concentrate, and to stay calm. Now that he knew he was not entirely alone, the ghostly apparitions became easier to ignore.

And he started to notice things. Like how the other werewolves were not as homogeneous as they first seemed. They were all fairly young - clearly Greyback had a preferred type; not one of them seemed older than twenty-five. They were all thin and scarred.

But the more Remus watched them, the more he saw their differences. Friendships and alliances; grudges and feuds, likes and dislikes.

When he paid very close attention, Remus could even tell how long each of them had been werewolves - it was clear from the hierarchy. The younger set fell in two camps; fanatics who worshipped Livia and Gaius, and those who were less sure, less comfortable with this weird subterranean lifestyle. They tended to side with Castor; sleeping on one side of the crypt, talking amongst themselves.

Gaius in particular seemed troubled by this group. He stalked the crypt floor every evening, demanding quiet, ordering them to lie further apart. Remus knew from their first meeting in the Manticore's Head that Gaius had a short fuse, and as soon as Remus latched onto this idea, he knew he had to come up with a way to exploit it.

Help eventually came from an unexpected quarter. Jeremy, one of the very youngest members of the pack, and so far the only one who'd spoken to Remus other than Castor and Livia, got bored easily. He had a mischievous side which reminded Remus of James and Sirius - he often cracked jokes to make the others laugh, and was one of the more vocal complainers when it came to living conditions.

Gaius disliked him immensely, of course, and never missed an opportunity to put him back in his place.

One evening, as everyone was settling down to sleep, Jeremy was struck by a particularly violent coughing fit. In Remus's opinion, he was definitely hamming it up, it went on a lot longer than was probably necessary.

"Control yourself, brother." Gaius hissed, on his feet at once, crossing the crypt to stand over Jeremy, teeth bared.

"Sor- ry ," Jeremy spluttered, scowling sarcastically, "I can't help it, it's the damp!"

"Your brothers and sisters seem to manage well enough." Gaius returned, bored.

Jeremy snorted. Gaius raised a hand, as if about to cast a spell.

"Perhaps you need to be reminded how to behave."

Jeremy licked his lips, nervously, and fell quiet. Castor, who had been sitting nearby, stood up. He placed a hand on Gaius's shoulder,

"I will speak to him, brother. Do not concern yourself."

"Our father demands obedience." Gaius hissed. Castor's eyes flashed,

"I am well aware of our father's demands."

Gaius clearly wanted to retort, but seeing the fire in Castor's expression thought better of it and withdrew, skulking away, snapping angrily at three young women huddled together who had been watching the whole thing.

Castor crouched and whispered to Jeremy,

"Do not provoke him."

"He's a prick! He's not Greyback, he can't order us about!"

"Do not provoke him." Castor repeated, a note of warning in his voice. It was not heeded.

"I was coughing! I couldn't help it! Not as if I was whistling a jaunty tune!"

Giggling from the women nearby.

"Peace." Castor said.

Everyone seemed to settle down after that; order and quiet were restored. Remus sat leaning against the back wall of his cell, arms hugging his knees. In one hand he clutched his pocket watch, which had grown hot and slippery from being held all the time.

Suddenly, there was a long, low whistle. Remus's eyes snapped open, his stomach turning over. That maniac .

The girls near Jeremy were giggling again as he began to whistle a little tune - Remus thought it sounded like 'Mary had a Little Lamb', but he wasn't good with nursery rhymes.

It only lasted a few bars - Gaius was on him in seconds, snarling, hands around Jeremy's throat. The young man's body went stiff as a board, and Remus could instantly smell the charcoal black magic Gaius was using to subdue him.

It was like a faint tingling sensation; all of the hairs on his arm stood up. Remus closed his eyes and inhaled, drinking in the magical energy as though he had been thirsting for it. The deliciousness was heightened by Gaius's terrible rage; by his flaming desire to hurt.

That was it. That was it ! Remus was giddy with excitement as the pieces clicked into place.

"Brother," Livia's voice now. She slinked across the floor towards Gaius, languid as a cat. "Leave the pup. He is restless and spirited, that is all."

Gaius released Jeremy, who collapsed back, coughing harder than before now. Remus could smell the salt from his tears. Castor knelt beside the young man, a kind hand on his shoulder.

Remus began to think quickly. He was rubbish at whistling - he could wolf whistle (and did Sirius love the irony of that), but he couldn't carry a tune. What else would be annoying? He needed Gaius's attention - he needed his rage .

He cleared his sore throat.

" Still dunno what I was waiting for… " Remus tried, his voice a bit croaky and reedy from lack of use.

There was a flutter of movement, a sense of ears pricking up, as if they were waiting to see what he was up to. It was badly out of tune, too, but it was the only song he could remember all the words to.

Remus swallowed, and raised his voice louder, standing up and approaching the bars,

" And my time was running wild, a million dead end streets, and… " A bit more movement now, a few of the younger ones were sitting up, peering over at him, " Every time I thought I'd got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet… "

A few sniggers. Someone whispered, "He's finally lost it."

" So I turned myself to face me... " Remus shut his eyes and bellowed, rolling his forehead against the cold bars, " Though I'd never caught a glimpse, of how the others must see the faker-- "

"Silence!" Gaius's sharp voice rang out.

" I'm much too fast to take that test…"

"SILENCE!"

Remus tipped his head back and took a deep breath,

"CH CH CHANGES! TURN AND FACE THE STRANGE CH CH CHA-ANGES! "

"Remus Lupin!" Gaius was up, striding towards him, one hand raised. "Stop this AT ONCE!"

" DON'T WANNA BE A RICHER MAN… " Remus continued, feeling Gaius's fierce magical energy filling the space between them, like a tidal wave of hot air rushing over him, drenching him. He squeezed his pocket watch tighter, and drew the magic out of that, too, sucking it into his bones, his very marrow.

Remus opened his eyes, and the bars of his cell vanished like smoke. Grinning, he stepped forward, crossing the threshold into the crypt. He was free.

" Time may change me… " he half-sang, half laughed at Gaius, who stood before him, gobsmacked,

"Get back! Livia! Castor! Help me--"

"Shut up, Gaius." Remus raised his hand, barely thinking about it, just letting the magic do the work. Gaius was silenced. His mouth opened and closed a few times, eyes wide with terror. Remus felt a surge of pleasure at this. Yes! Fear me . "Good boy," he smirked. "Now, in you pop…"

He stood aside and pushed Gaius forcefully into the cell, before snapping his fingers so that the bars reappeared at once. Gaius found his voice and roared, furious,

"Let me out!"

Remus laughed. He was about to turn, to address the rest of the pack - they were all murmuring now, various degrees of nervousness and excitement. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Livia appeared on his left, Castor to his right. They were both smiling, pride gleaming in their eyes.

"My brother," Livia whispered, "At last! Father will be so proud."

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is 'Silly Thing' by The Sex Pistols.
The song Remus sings to piss off Gaius is 'Changes' by David Bowie.

The War: Foot Soldiers

Chapter Summary

References to sex, violence and animal death in this chapter.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

I count the corpses on my left,

I find I'm not so tidy.

So I'd better get away, better make it today

I've cut twenty-three down since friday.

But I can't control it.

My face is drawn, my instinct still emotes it.

The hot swell of power in Remus's body did not dissipate as quickly as it had before - perhaps simply because it was always there - only now he knew how to tune into it. Or maybe it was a defence mechanism, because instinct told him what was coming next.

Everyone in the crypt could feel it. A few of them stood up anxiously. Livia closed her eyes and sighed with pleasure.

The heavy, swift footsteps echoed through from the church above. Adrenaline flooded Remus's body as the concrete slab covering the entrance of the crypt was pushed aside.

Greyback descended. He looked different from before. He was not on the defensive now. He was smiling, his posture and scent welcoming. Amiable.

Remus's heart skipped a beat.

Greyback smiled, his eyes dark and secretive as the forest.

"Remus Lupin," he said. "I think it's time for a chat."

Remus nodded, awestruck.

Greyback nodded too, still smiling, then turned and began to climb the stairs again. Remus followed without even glancing back. Finally, finally, this was his chance. To do what, he didn't know yet. All Remus knew in that moment was that his father had come for him, and he was elated.

The air grew fresher and cleaner as they surfaced in the ruined church, and Remus breathed in deeply, closing his eyes. It was close to evening; cool and quiet. Under the dimly lit clouds the forest around them was transforming from day to night, the nocturnal creatures yawning and stretching and creeping out of their holes and tunnels.

Greyback led Remus up the aisle of the church, through to the arched exit, and they walked - not very far - through the slender beech saplings, past sturdy English oaks, down a narrow hidden pathway which led to a kind of cave at the base of a hill. A den.

Without looking back, Greyback entered, stooping only slightly at the entrance before straightening up as the mouth of the den opened up wider and higher than Remus could have anticipated from the outside. He followed, because there was nothing else to do.

Inside it smelled like home. Earth and forest and meat and wolf.

Though there was no natural light source, as soon as Greyback entered a series of torches along the walls of the den lit themselves, creating a cosy, welcoming space. There was even a fire with a pewter cauldron hung over it brimming with something that smelled thick and savoury. A wooden table beside the fireplace was laden with food of all kinds – freshly killed and skinned game, bowls of nuts and berries, mushrooms, nettles and bread.

The sides of the cave had been carved out into shelves and hollows full of books and scrolls. There were a few wooden stools scattered about, and Greyback gestured that Remus be seated.

Remus sat, staring about. Further back, hidden in shadows, he could smell a bed - or at least the place Greyback slept.

More distracting, though, was the smell of the stew. Remus had taken most of his meals cold over the past week and a half in the dark. The delicious smell of a hot meal threatened to overwhelm him.

He watched his captor take a porcelain bowl from a shelf and ladle a small portion of stew from the cauldron, then pick up a spoon and carry it over to him. Greyback handed him the bowl and Remus took it, still unable to take his eyes off Greyback.

His shape filled the entryway, hard, muscular and unmoving. His coarse dark hair was pulled back in a knot and his yellow eyes bore down on Remus, both curious and challenging at the same time.

Despite his larger than life demeanour, there was also a quietness about him that Remus had only seen in wild animals. A still silence which promised something more sinister, like a spring-loaded trap.

Greyback took a seat opposite Remus, hands on his knees, and nodded at the bowl of stew warming Remus's hands.

"Eat." He said.

Without hesitation - Remus did not yet know if he was following orders because he had to, or because he wanted to - he scooped up some stew and put the spoon in his mouth. He could have cried. It was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted, hot and full of flavour – some kind of dark meat and rich onion. He chewed, as instructed, before swallowing hard.

Greyback licked his sharp pointed teeth, "Good cub."

Remus ignored him, and continued to eat, suddenly starving hungry. A poem he had once read popped into his head, like a warning:

Though the goblins cuffed and caught her,

Coaxed and fought her,

Bullied and besought her,

Scratched her, pinched her black as ink,

Kicked and knocked her,

Mauled and mocked her,

Lizzie uttered not a word;

Would not open lip from lip

Lest they should cram a mouthful in.

Of course, that was goblins. You mustn't eat food given to you by fairies, or goblins - there was nothing he'd read about werewolves. But then, what had he ever managed to learn about werewolves?

Greyback watched him a while longer, as though they were sitting down to supper together; old friends. He waited until Remus had almost finished eating to speak.

"Picked on Gaius in the end, eh? Interesting, that. I thought perhaps Castor."

"He was being cruel." Remus answered.

"He's a good cub. Beautiful wolf; powerful. But he has a few things to learn about leadership, that I'll grant you. What do you think of my other children, eh?"

Remus finished eating. He swallowed, and sucked on the spoon thoughtfully, before setting it back in the empty bowl. He looked Greyback in the eye.

"I feel sorry for them."

"Sorry?"

"For the way they live. There's no dignity in it."

Greyback's eyes gleamed.

"Dignity. What a delightful creature you are, Remus Lupin. Yes, dignity. That's exactly the word. Exactly." Greyback was stroking his beard, thoughtfully. "It is a temporary situation, of course. When this war is won--"

"When this war is won," Remus said, steadily, "Werewolves will be more hated and feared than ever before. Because of what you have done. Because of your crimes."

Greyback tossed back his head and laughed, showing long yellow teeth,

" Truly delightful, cub. I worried that so long in that cell might have softened you, but…"

Greyback raised a bushy eyebrow, and Remus felt an unpleasant wriggling inside his brain, as though someone was swirling their fingers through his thoughts. He screwed up his face, and Greyback gave a low chuckle deep in his throat, "No. Still unbroken. My good, strong cub."

Remus stared at him. The wriggling sensation stopped.

"You mean," he breathed, "You didn't want to break me?"

"Of course not." Greyback spat, scornfully, "Is that what you think? Are these the vile lies spread about me? Why would a father wish harm upon his children?"

Remus cocked his head,

"You tell me. Why would you attack a five year old? Why have me locked up?"

"Trivia," Greyback waved a long-nailed hand dismissively, "These are not the questions you want answers to, do not pretend."

"How do you know what I want?!" Remus felt his temper rising, and struggled to keep it under control. He tried to hang on to the feeling of power he'd taken from Gaius, to soak up the magic he could feel in the earthen walls of the den.

"I know everything about you, Remus Lupin." He looked at him with razor sharp eyes once more, and Remus felt that unpleasant shuffling through his thoughts.

"No, that's not fair." Remus shook his head, trying to build a wall up against Greyback. "You're using legilimency!"

"Pah. A wizard trick. Wolves do not read minds. Wolves see souls."

It sounded like the same thing to Remus. Greyback's lips curled into a wicked smile once more,

"No, Remus Lupin. It isn't the same. One can change one's mind, after all. Remus Lupin might sympathise with his packmates one day, and revile them the next. That is the mind. But Remus Lupin's soul… "

Greyback closed his eyes and inhaled, as if Remus smelled particularly delicious.

"Stop it!"

"Make me."

Remus tried. He tried very, very hard, forcing the magic within him back out, through his eyes, through his thoughts. It seemed to work. His mind calmed, and Greyback leaned back, looking pleased. Remus was so confused now - he didn't want to please Greyback, not ever.

"It's perfectly all right to hate me, you know." Greyback said, stretching his arms out, rolling his shoulders as though he was preparing for bed - or for a fight, "It is natural to resent one's father."

You're not my father. Remus thought, in the part of his brain where he still felt like himself, I've never had a father, and I've never needed one.

"Answer my questions." Remus said, as forcefully as he could manage, "If you care about me so much… like a… like a father, then why turn me?! Why hunt me down for years, then stick me in a cage the second I show up?!"

Greyback was laughing at him again, rows and rows of teeth, long red tongue.

"You can thank Lyall Lupin for your transformation."

"Right." Remus pulled a face, "Awfully human, isn't it?! Revenge?"

"Self-preservation." Greyback countered, scratching behind his ear amusedly. "Lyall had ideas about how my family should be treated. Uneducated ideas. He needed to learn."

"Then why not attack him --"

"Because he was weak ." Greyback hissed, "I could smell it on him. No backbone at all, a hypocrite. And I was proved right. A better man would not have abandoned his pup and his bitch. Though perhaps I ought to thank him. He destroyed himself before any of that weakness could creep into you." He licked his lips, "It's become my motto. Get 'em young, grow 'em strong."

Remus felt like throwing up. He hated Greyback so fiercely it was as if his insides had turned to bile.

"If you believe that," he carried on, stoically, mouth full of saliva making his words thick and sloppy, "Then why wait so long to find me? You could have snatched me out of the Home any time."

"I considered it," Greyback nodded, tilting his head thoughtfully, "I took Livia when she was barely speaking. Castor and Gaius when they were tots. But you were a different case. Dumbledore had his paws all over you before Lyall was even in the ground. I knew what the old codger was thinking - his own pet werewolf; his own tamed beast, all trained up and given a head full of wizard tricks and wizard lies. An educated monster." He licked his lips lasciviously, "I knew all of this, and I thought… why not? Let the cub come to me when the time was right, let him learn all he can learn of the wizarding world, and we shall see, then, which side wins out."

"Side? You mean… you or Dumbledore?"

"Nature or nurture." Greyback sniggered. Remus recoiled, disgusted,

"So I'm an experiment?!"

"In a manner of speaking."

Remus finally tore his eyes away, unable to stare into Greyback's laser beam gaze any longer. His eyes caught on the bookcase to his right. They were all classics. The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Island of Doctor Moreau, The Count of Monte Cristo.

"And the cage?" He asked, shakily, staring at the gold lettering on each leatherbound book. "Was that part of the experiment?"

"It was clear that you had grown too reliant on the tricks Dumbledore taught you." Greyback said, as if it was all perfectly reasonable, "You were confined only as long as was necessary, to ensure that your true gifts were strong enough to shine through. And they were, cub. Look at you now; just blistering with power."

Remus looked up at him, finally, meeting those wolfish yellow eyes once more. Fine, then. If he was so powerful, he could use it. Burning with bitter, acid hatred, Remus pushed out once more, focussing as sharply as he could on Greyback's body.

Make him weak, make him hurt.

Greyback straightened his back in his stool, and closed his eyes, grinning as though Remus was caressing him, not firing every foul thing he could. Then the werewolf raised a hand - and Remus saw that it was trembling, very slightly. Still, Greyback was incredibly powerful, and Remus could feel his own magic countered and blocked. Worth a try.

"Very good, Remus Lupin," Greyback said, after a long time, his voice a little more hoarse than it had been. "Very good, cub…" He sighed. "Enough, for tonight, perhaps. We'll speak again."

Remus stood quickly, feeling as if all this time he had been weighted down to the stool; and now the weight was gone.

"One moment…" Greyback rose as well, and pushed past Remus into the shadowy sleeping chamber behind. He returned seconds later with a large grey fur, and handed it to Remus. "A gift, cub. Welcome to the pack."

Remus took it, and held it over one arm, cautiously. It was beautiful; the soft fur silver and black under his fingers.

"I can go?" He asked, glancing at the den mouth, now unguarded and open. He was suddenly nervous.

"Of course. You know the way back. You are not in the wizard world now; you are free. Go where you please. Return to the pack. Or else… if you prefer to sleep here?" His face turned hungry again, his smile mocking, as he stepped aside and gestured towards his own bed.

Remus's stomach turned again, and he backed out of the den as quickly as he could.

He stood outside by himself for a long time. The thought of apparating - of getting out of there as fast as he possibly could; going home to Sirius and London and his friends - occurred only fleetingly.

Night had fallen in the forest. Remus breathed in the lovely air, and looked up at the fine lights in the sky. Owls swooped overhead, on the hunt for prey. Foxes crept through the underbrush, moles ploughed through the soil below his feet. He felt as much a part of this place as they were. A natural creature, coming to life.

A cool breeze rustled the leaves above him, and he shivered. Without thinking, Remus pulled the fur cloak over his shoulders, wrapping it tight around himself. It felt good, like a second skin. He breathed and exhaled once more, to savour the peace and quiet of being alone. Then he turned away from the den, and returned to his pack.

Things changed, after that, of course. By the time Remus returned to the pack that evening he already had a new place in the hierarchy. Gaius had been freed from his prison, and he did not meet Remus's eyes; did not challenge him, just slunk away to his corner. Livia made it clear that Remus now outranked Gaius, by approaching first and stroking his new furs, purring with joy,

"Beautiful," she said, "beautiful."

And when it came time to settle in and sleep, Remus had his pick of anywhere he liked on the crypt floor. This had to be a carefully thought through decision; sleep beside Livia, the alpha bitch, and what was that saying? It would certainly tell Gaius exactly where he stood. It's what Moody would suggest, if Moody had half a clue how to conduct himself in such a situation.

He had reservations about Castor too. For one thing, instinct told him to side with the handsome young man - and he knew that it wasn't entirely to do with the fact that Castor had helped him. Remus was used to the scent now, but that didn't make him any less attracted. For another thing, Castor was clearly a dissenter. Siding with him might give rise to suspicion from other members of the pack.

But he was tired and sleepy, and he had made so many life altering decisions already. So he chose Castor, who felt safe at least. Remus would have to beg forgiveness later.

In the days that followed, Remus got to know the pack not only by scent and as fellow outcasts - but as individual people. Plenty of them, like Jeremy, were recent converts. Teenage runaways, disowned children of shamed wizarding families. All of them had difficult stories of hunger and suffering and terrible abuse.

For the first time in his life, Remus felt he had had a privileged childhood. So what if Matron was a stone-hearted old cow who hated children. He'd had a roof over his head.

Some of them were kind and funny, some of them were silly and immature. Some of them were sad and shy. Every day Remus grew more desperate to help them; to find a better place and a better life for each and every one.

But of course they didn't all have the same story. Some of them were not with Greyback for protection or shelter - some of them really were there for revenge. They believed in their father's philosophy wholeheartedly; murder for them was not a crime, only the nature of a predator. The world owed them blood, and they were going to take it.

"I believed it too." Castor said, the next morning. He had offered to show Remus their hunting trails in the forest. They caught rabbits and other game using instinct and magic. "I believed everything he said, for a long time. He's the only teacher I ever had."

"But you changed your mind?" Remus asked, half hoping, because he still wasn't quite sure about Castor's motivations.

"Yes." Castor replied, not noticing Remus's trepidation. "It was a slow process."

"What triggered it?" Remus was puffing a bit to keep up with Castor, who was lithe and muscular, the epitome of good health, despite his scars.

"No one thing in particular," Castor said, stopping still and looking around, as though he'd caught a scent. He seemed to think better of it, and carried on walking, head held high, eyes sharp. He was so natural and relaxed in himself. Remus didn't think he could ever be like that. It vaguely made him think of Sirius - except if course Castor talked a lot less. You had to really drag answers out of him.

"Nothing in particular?" Remus panted, "Something must have--"

"Books." Castor said, striding ahead, on the trail of something.

"Books?!"

"Father encourages us to educate ourselves. To develop independent thoughts. And I did. It is the way of nature, to rebel against one's father."

That sounded eerily like Greyback. Castor often did that - they all did. They spoke with one voice, and it was always his.

"But if he encourages that, then why haven't more of the others--"

"I said that we are encouraged, not forced." Castor said, a small ironic smile playing on his lips.

"Oh." Remus said. He remembered Livia quoting Plato to him. Being educated didn't mean you all came to the same conclusions.

"I listened to what you said, too." Castor said, finally. "When I was trapped by the dryad, in Scotland. I knew you were my enemy, but I did not want to harm you. And then I realised I did not want to harm anybody. I think we can live in peace, away from mankind, as other creatures have learnt to."

"Is that really what you want--?"

Castor put a hand out quickly, and crouched low. There was a rabbit not five feet away. Remus held his breath and watched as Castor crept forward slowly, whispering a calming incantation. When he reached the creature, it hopped dozily into his lap. He stroked it softly for a moment, still whispering. Then he broke its neck.

Remus wanted to be disgusted, to feel sorry for the rabbit. But he could already smell the blood and his stomach growled. Castor smiled at him, greyish eyes lighting up. He held out the rabbit, blood sliding down his wrist,

"For you, Remus Lupin."

Remus was flattered.

Jeremy showed Remus some of the pack's 'gathering' techniques, which basically amounted to theft. There were towns around the outskirts of the forest, and all they needed to do was apparate there and find an empty house, which could be done by scent.

They were standing in the bedroom of one such house when Jeremy spilled the whole truth about the pack's part in the war.

If Remus hadn't been bothered by a rabbit being unceremoniously slaughtered in front of him, then burgling a house wasn't going to curl his hair. In fact, it brought back a few fond memories of his criminal youth. Still, he didn't really participate. Just nosed through the clothes in the wardrobe while Jeremy searched for jewellery in the dresser.

"The way I see it," Jeremy said cheerfully, "Greyback might be a bit full of himself, bit high and mighty. But he's done a lot for me, and plenty others. He cares more than anyone else has since I got this bloody bite."

"Have you done any of this self-educating stuff?" Remus asked, casually.

"Not for me." Jeremy said, "Never much into reading. Preferred quidditch."

"Hm."

"Ugh, pearls." Jeremy tutted, lifting a knot of them out of a green velvet box. "Hate the way they feel in your hands. My mother always wore them - pureblood heirloom."

"You're a pureblood?" Renus turned around, mildly surprised.

"Nah, mother is. Dad's a mix. Doesn't mean much anymore. I'm worse to them than a mudblood, now. Bastards." He slammed the drawer shut angrily. "That's one of the things Greyback's right about. They deserve what they're getting."

"Who does?"

"The purebloods."

"What do you mean?" Remus knew he sounded stupid, but he was genuinely confused. He had always been told that some of Voldemort's greatest allies were the pureblood houses - that it was the half-bloods and the muggleborns who he targeted.

He said as much to Jeremy.

"Oh, yeah," Jeremy nodded blithely, "We've done one or two of those. But most of the time we're really a scare tactic to keep the old families in line."

Remus pressed for more information and Jeremy - who had been eager to do anything he could for Remus ever since the Gaius incident - was all too happy to elaborate. Voldemort was using the werewolves as little more than hired muscle. If any of his influential wealthy supporters started questioning him a little bit too much, started having doubts, then all it took was a visit from Fenrir Greyback and a few of his mad, feral acolytes to get everyone back on the same page.

"Seen loads of mansions lately," Jeremy cackled with laughter. He caught the look Remus was giving him. "Oh, what?! I told you, they deserve it. They shouldn't have gone over to his side in the first place."

"Wait, so you don't even support Voldemort?!" Remus gaped at him.

"Course not, he's a right weirdo. Scares the shit out of me, to be honest. But, y'know. I didn't choose this side, it's just the hand I got dealt."

"But if you did have a choice, if you--"

"There is no choice, Remus Lupin!" Jeremy said fiercely, that voice coming out of his mouth which wasn't his own. "There is the pack. We can trust no one else. You must get used to it, if you want to be one of us."

And that was as far as he could get with any of them. After a certain point, they all reverted back to the same old script. Greyback was their leader, and even if they did not agree with him in everything, most if them felt indebted to him, and trusted him before anything else.

By daylight, Remus was never sure if he could really trust Castor or Jeremy - or any of the others. Even Castor, who was interested in hearing what Remus had to say, and who was determined to convince the others to withdraw from the war.

"It is not an easy thing." Castor tried to explain, "To realise that our father is wrong, that we must have no part in any wizard affairs, least of all war. It would mean splitting the pack."

"Can you do that?" Remus asked, impressed. Castor gave a small shrug of his shoulders.

"Perhaps."

Helpful.

Remus expected to see Greyback again, now he had been fully initiated, but the pack father stayed strangely remote. He occasionally summoned Livia, who Remus learnt had been with him the longest - almost all of her thirty years. (Remus was shocked to learn her age - she seemed at once too young and too old.) Otherwise, Remus was left to his own devices.

He could have left whenever he liked, that made been made clear to him. But he'd told the others in the pack that he had nowhere else to go, like them. He needed their trust, and for that they needed to be able to relate to him. So he never tried to sneak away and send a message to the Order - he wasn't even sure if that was possible, but he didn't try. He knew he might never have this chance again - and after all, it was what Dumbledore had bred him for.

As far as Dumbledore and Moody and Ferox and every other adult who liked pushing Remus around their chess board was concerned, he was exactly where he was supposed to be. And he wasn't miserable. He was lonely, of course; he longed for Sirius like a missing limb, and he'd have done anything for a shower, a cigarette and a bar of chocolate. But the forest had begun to feel like a place he belonged - the other wolves felt like family. His mission grew clearer with every day, and he knew he couldn't leave. So he stayed in plain sight at all times, and didn't speak a word about his friendships and connections back home.

Friendship was different among the werewolves. Pack solidarity was everything, and Remus felt it too - sometimes he thought he would die to protect them, even Gaius. The only feeling that had ever come close to it was when the marauders were in their animagus forms back at Hogwarts - and Remus supposed that made some sense.

Sex was different with them, too. Midway through the month, Remus noticed a few pack members pairing off, vanishing into the woods for an hour or so at a time, returning with that all to familiar scent. It was obvious what they were all doing, but no one seemed to mind, or take much notice. It was just another instinct they all accepted and followed without question.

"The desire grows stronger as the moon approaches," Castor explained, as they lay in the crypt one night trying to ignore the quiet gasping and fumbling around them.

"I'd never noticed before." Remus lied, staring up at the ceiling.

"If you choose to mate," Castor whispered, "Choose wisely. They look up to you, they will notice favoritism."

"No." Remus said. "I'm not… I have someone already."

"A human?"

"Yes."

"Then you plan to return." Castor finished. He sounded so sad about it. Remus wanted to turn and apologise, comfort him somehow, but that was dangerous territory and he knew it. The air was already thick with lust, and he didn't know what he'd do.

"I have to, eventually." Remus said. "But I want to make sure you're all safe, first."

"We will survive without you, Remus Lupin." Castor returned, his voice no longer its usual calm steady timbre. "You are not our leader yet."

Chapter End Notes

The song at the beginning is 'Running Gun Blues' by David Bowie.

The poem Remus remembers is from 'Goblin Market' by Christina Rossetti.

The War: Blood Moon

Chapter Summary

CW for wolfy gore

Remus had almost spent a full month in Greyback's pack before he was truly given a reason to leave. He woke late one morning to find himself almost alone. Confused, he sat up, staring around - he'd grown used to having Castor and Jeremy nearby, he felt horribly exposed without their body heat.

"Father summoned them." A voice came out of the gloom.

Remus raised his palm to create a heat-free flame for light, as Castor had taught him. It was easier than lumos , though not as bright. Gaius stepped out from the shadows of one of the chambers. He stared down at Remus. "Father came this morning. Summoned Castor and Livia. Only them. I suppose Castor is forgiven, now."

"Will they be back soon?" Remus asked warily, drawing his cloak around his shoulders protectively.

"I don't expect so." Gaius mused. He was fiddling with something shiny, kept glancing down at it, "They've gone to meet the Dark Lord."

"What?!"

"It's almost the moon. He'll have plans for the pack."

"...plans?" Reality came clanging down on Remus's head, like glass shattering; like a car crash.

"You know," Gaius said, apparently uninterested in Remus's crisis of conscience, "I always wondered why father turned three males. I thought perhaps he wished us to learn to lead together; to share the burden of responsibility. But now I realise. He means us to compete."

"What do you want, Gaius?" Remus stood up, squaring his shoulders to remind Gaius that he was bigger, and stronger, when he wanted to be. "Want me to sing you another song?"

Gaius sneered at him, cheeks red. He backed away.

"You will not triumph." He said. He threw the shiny object down at Remus's feet before turning to leave, and it made a hard, metal sound. It was Remus's pocket watch.

"Oi!" Remus yelled, stooping to grab it up. But Gaius was gone.

Remus slumped against the wall, running his fingers through his grimy hair. His heart raced, his breathing quickened, and he began to panic. Shit . Shit shit shit .

Of course they were still working with Voldemort - the war hadn't stopped simply because Remus was there. He felt stupid and naïve - and worst of all, he felt guilty. He was supposed to be on a bloody mission! But he hadn't been thinking of the Order, not really - he'd been more concerned about protecting the pack than getting back to his friends; his true family. All this time, Remus had thought of himself as a victim - when really he was the worst kind of traitor.

He shrugged off his fur cloak. He didn't want to look like them.

He badly wanted to see Sirius - after weeks of suppressing it, his longing burst up like a geyser, so that he couldn't get a grip on it and squash it back down again. Sirius would know what to do - or he'd at least make Remus feel better about everything.

Remus looked down at his watch, the only connection he still has to his friends. The gold had lost its lustre, and he rubbed it on his filthy trouser leg to see if that helped. Then he opened and closed it a few times, running the pads of his thumbs along the smooth vine leaf engraving. It had stopped working the day he used it to escape his cell; he'd squeezed all the magic out of it like a sponge. Another betrayal.

Once he had at least calmed his breathing down ( jesus christ what I wouldn't do for a fag ), Remus tried to think rationally. His first instinct was to get out immediately; just walk into the woods and disapparate.

But then what? Explain to Moody and Ferox that while he'd had a lovely few weeks away, things had got a bit too scary so he'd turned tailed at the first opportunity? No. If Greyback was meeting with Voldemort then that had to mean an attack was coming. Remus couldn't let that happen.

He would wait, at least to find out if Castor would tell him anything. In the meantime, Remus did his very best to conjure up a happy memory. He would need to send a patronus as soon as possible.

Brothers! Sisters! Gather near.

Livia's voice inside his head had to be one of the least pleasant experiences Remus had had since joining the pack. It worked, though, he scrambled up the stairs of the crypt into the ruined church, where the others were congregating. Greyback stood by the pulpit, Castor and Livia either side of him, backs straight and heads high.

"My children," Greyback addressed them all, raising his arms like an evangelist preacher, "The moon approaches, our time is near."

There was a murmur of excitement at this. For many, the full moons represented a chance to be free; to be one's true self.

Greyback raised a finger to silence them. He smiled paternally, "I have spoken with our benefactor. This moon, we shall feast on our enemies. We have been given the gift of prey."

Some of the pack members cheered and whooped, chattering with even more excitement.

Oh no, Remus's stomach lurched, oh no, oh no…

"Livia and Castor will lead you." Greyback said, "You will bring the girl-child to me - the parents you may keep for yourselves."

More cheering. Not everyone - Remus saw a few of the younger ones glancing at each other shiftily, and Jeremy's wide eyes were practically burning a hole in Castor's back. Not all of them , Remus thought, they can be saved, they can, they can…

Remus Lupin. A voice popped into his head. He blinked, stunned - it was Castor. It is not safe to speak of this here. You will join me in the forests.

Remus looked over at Castor, who was staring blankly ahead, as always, inscrutable. He hadn't tried communicating like that before, but the pack was close enough, and the magic of the forest pressing in, so he concentrated hard.

Yes. I understand.

Castor made no sign that he had heard, so Remus just had to hope. Greyback left shortly after that, giving Remus a cruel wink as he passed,

"Your time to shine, cub." He said. Remus knew he ought to nod, or something, but he was too tense, and just stared stiffly back.

Castor announced that he was going hunting, and Remus quickly agreed to join him. Livia gave them both an appraising look.

"Do not tire yourselves, brothers. We have such games ahead of us."

They walked through the woods in silence. It was late afternoon, and quite mild for April; the sun lowering but still bright. They'd had very little rain so far this year, but that hadn't stopped the trees and plants around them from exploding into life. Everything was lush and green and bountiful, and as they approached a small clearing Remus saw that the bluebells had begun to spring up, and the woodland floor ahead of them was carpeted in a glorious haze of soft mauve.

"Won't you miss this?" Castor asked, quietly. He obviously judged them far enough away from Greyback.

"Yes." Remus replied. He meant it. He had hated nature all his life - even the forbidden forest. He loved London; the concrete and pollution and the noise. But the past month had changed him, and he knew how much he would miss the peace and quiet, and feeling so close to the earth.

"But your time with us grows short." Castor said. "I think perhaps all our time is short, now." He sighed heavily, and looked at Remus with completely human eyes; grey and penitent, " I am ready to defy my father."

"Do you mean -- will you help me?"

"We shall help each other. For the good of the pack. I have a plan, but Remus Lupin, you must listen to me, and you must obey me. I need to know that you will do what needs to be done."

"I will never kill for him." Remus said, fiercely.

"But you might kill." Castor responded, raising an eyebrow.

It wasn't a question; it was a statement. And Remus did not deny it.

Thursday 12th April 1979

There were no goodbyes, of course. Remus did not even know who was on their side - his and Castor's. No names were spoken, he just had to have faith.

On the morning of the full moon Remus crept as far away from the pack as he could to cast his patronus. He hoped that the others wouldn't pick up on the spell, which was powerful and sure to attract attention.

He'd never sent a message via patronus before, and once again regretted the creature's fearsome size and aspect. Hopefully it wouldn't be too terrifying for Sirius to hear Remus's voice coming from the giant silver wolf's jaws. He could only manage three words. Castle. Tomorrow. Dawn.

And that was his escape route taken care of - if he survived the night. Castor promised - Remus made him swear on their very blood - that if Remus did not live, then he would get a message to Sirius and the Potters. There was no other way, Remus decided. He had to be there for the attack; the last time he'd warned the Order about werewolves nothing had been done. So he would have to do it himself, and damn the consequences.

Obviously, he'd prefer not to die, though.

An hour or so before moonrise, the pack apparated together. It was just as well that Remus hadn't run away to tell Moody at his first opportunity - because he had absolutely no idea where they were going. He was forced to side-along with Livia, and they landed together on a soft mossy patch of grass.

Remus wrenched his arm away from her and stared around at his new surroundings. It was such a weird place - just a flat plain of grass, a few trees, a fence - ah. He realised stupidly that they were in a park. Man-made nature. The whole place smelled human and muggle-ish. The rest of the pack were arriving around them, one by one with a *crack* and a thud.

"That's the place," Castor said, addressing everyone. He pointed over the fence to a row of houses across the road. The park was in a quiet muggle cul-de-sac. "With the green door."

Remus crept as close to the fence as he dared, and peered over at the building. Had his parents lived in a similar house, once? It looked like the sort of place Hope belonged.

It was a small, detached house. The front door was a cheerful shade of green, and the porch light glowed soft amber in the twilight. Remus could make out the silhouette of someone moving in one of the upstairs windows - the pale pink blind was drawn down, so he could only see shadows. That must be the child's room, he thought with a terrible wave of nausea.

He couldn't let this happen. He wouldn't. If he had to kill Livia. If he had to die himself, he wouldn't let-- wait a minute .

A gust of wind blew a scent in his direction. One he recognised. He sniffed the air again. What was that? Someone he knew? It smelled almost like Sirius, almost , but not quite. Old blood; old magic. A relative? Not Regulus, he wouldn't be caught dead on a street this muggle-ish. Nor either of their parents. It was feminine too, it was more like Narcissa, or… surely not Andromeda??

He couldn't be sure, he'd only met her once, when he was thirteen. But she had a daughter. A daughter who would be about five or six, now. Heart pounding, Remus desperately wanted to get closer, to find out more.

Then, in an amazing stroke of luck, the green door opened, letting light out into the street. A man stepped out, carrying a shiny black bin bag. He walked to the end of the garden path, opened the dustbin lid, dropped the bag inside, then returned to the house.

It was Ted Tonks.

No, no no , Remus thought to himself - if something happened to Andromeda, to her little girl… Sirius would never forgive him. Remus didn't know if he would forgive himself.

"Remus!" Castor whispered from the bushes behind him, "It is almost time."

Remus turned and nodded. He hoped this would work. He'd never been so close to praying in his life. A stab of pain shot through his back. The moon was rising.

He backed into the park, where a few of the others had curled up on the ground, preparing for the agonies of transformation.

Remus looked at Castor, standing beside him. It was a peculiar sensation - he had transformed in front of the marauders before, but never with others who were experiencing the same thing. Castor caught his eye, and seeming to understand at once, reached out his hand.

Remus took it, gratefully, and gripped it hard, clenching his teeth as the pain swept through him. Castor gripped back, sharing his suffering, but also lending strength. They both fell to their knees at the same time, and Remus remembered no more.

The wolf stretched its limbs and sniffed at the night air. Pack. Prey. Magic.

He rolled over in the grass, pleased to be free, unencumbered by human worries.

His pack mate nudged him, huffing softly, and he remembered - he had something to do. This was not a night for playing, or for hunting.

The she-wolf, and the one that hated him both snapped at the others, and the young ones ducked their heads, lowered their haunches.

But he would not - he was not a cub; he was full grown. He was strong as them.

The pack-mate with the scarred nose smelled good, he was strong too. He growled at the others, so the wolf did too; puffing up his body and showing all his teeth so that they knew.

The scarred one gave out a bark, then, and turned away, running for the trees. Some of the others followed, confused.

The dark wolf, the wolf who hated him, snarled and leapt at the scarred one, onto his back. They grappled, turning over in the grass growling and snapping.

The she-wolf watched. She sat, and yawned. She need not involve herself.

The rest of the pack watched avidly, panting and yapping as blood was drawn.

He wanted to help, to jump in and start biting - but the scarred one needed to win it himself. It was his fight.

The scent in the air changed, and the she-wolf stood, ears up, tail swishing.

A human.

They had been heard. She began to stalk towards the fence, hunting, as the stupid human shouted in its stupid human language.

Not quite knowing why, he howled, long and as loud as he could.

The she-wolf whipped around, growling fiercely at him, pulling rank, but he howled again.

The human retreated, fast. They knew now. They would bring back others. He had endangered the pack.

The she-wolf barked at the dark one, but he was already pinned to the ground by the scarred one. Victory. The young wolves looked up to the scarred one now, sniffing at him and lowering their heads.

The scarred one barked, then climbed off the dark one. He turned and began to walk away. Some followed. The pack divided.

The she-wolf ran after the scarred one, to bring him back, to restore order. But she would not catch them. They were a new pack now; unless she killed the scarred one they would not follow anyone else.

He wanted to go too. He wanted to run with them forever, and be their leader, and chase deer through the dark nights…

But no. He had to do this first. He had to protect… to protect… what was it? It was so hard to think, when the delicious scent of human meat was so close; coming in on all sides.

The dark one limped to its feet. Remus growled. It snarled back at him, jaws frothing, eyes baleful.

He remembered, now. Protect the pack. He pounced, jaws wide and claws bared.

All he knew was pain, pain and blood, as Remus's body pulled itself back into it's human shape. He screamed, and Gaius's blood ran down his gullet, rich and warm. It was in his teeth, under his tongue, it was everywhere, and Gaius's body lay there, limp and pale, throat dark and glistening.

There was no time for shock. The moon was setting, and people were coming, and Remus wasn't even fully human yet, but there was no time! He squeezed his eyes shut, gritted his teeth, and apparated.

CRACK*

He landed flat on his face with a hard grunt. His ankle cracked sickeningly against a rock. He gasped, rolling into a ball, tears springing in his eyes as he vowed never to apparate right after a transformation ever again.

His whole foot throbbed, shooting all the way up his shin, making him feel giddy. He was still sticky with blood and without any clothes all he could do was curl up in pain on the grass. Was he even in Cornwall?! He couldn't tell; where was the castle?!

"Fuck!" He sobbed, exhausted and defeated.

"Moony?!" A shout came up from over the side of the hill.

Remus rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, so relieved he thought he'd faint.

"Sirius!" He called back, as the heavy footsteps pounded closer.

And then he was there, and oh god Remus just about fell apart. Sirius threw his cloak over him and pulled him close and wrapped his arms around him. Remus clutched him back, trembling, the pain in his leg now threatening to overwhelm him.

"You came back!" Sirius gasped, voice shrill, "You came back!"

"Of course I did..." Remus said, woozily.

"Are you bleeding?!"

"Not my blood…" and then everything was going dark around the edges, and he was so exhausted he closed his eyes. And nothing more.

The War: Moony's Story

Chapter Summary

No serious warnings, but minor character death.

He came to in a small white room, with a low ceiling striped with black beams. There was a little square window, but the curtains were drawn over. Someone had washed the blood off him, thank goodness, though he could still smell it, faintly, and taste it too. He was lying in a single bed, and other than a little bedside table with an old lamp on it, there wasn't much else in the room.

The door was slightly ajar, and Remus could hear voices in the corridor outside.

"Marlene's here," James's voice came through clearly, "Should I let her up? Did you ask him any questions?!"

"Yeah, send her up. He's not awake..." Sirius said, his voice sounding odd. "But it's definitely him. Has to be."

"You're sure?!"

"The first thing he said when he landed was 'fuck', I'm pretty certain." Sirius snapped.

"Fair." James replied, without humour. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "Padfoot… all that blood. And with the attack last night--"

"Let's just see what he has to say, before we jump to any conclusions, shall we?! Send Marlene up."

"But if it's not safe ."

"Then I'll stay in the bloody room. Can we please just get someone to look at him, for fuck's sake?! He hasn't even got a wand!"

"Ok, ok…" James relented.

God, Remus thought, as shame settled over him like dust. They think I'm not me. They think I'm a spy. How bad had the war become, in the month he'd been away? He racked his brain quickly for a way to prove his identity. The thought of Sirius not trusting him was too painful to bear.

There was a mess of footsteps in the hall outside, and finally the door opened. Remus tried to sit up at once, pulling himself up by his arms as Sirius entered the room,

"Padfoot, I swear it's me, it's Moony! I helped you make the marauders map, and we put rose hips in Snivelllus' bed, and we went skating on the lake at Christmas and I hated it but you were really good, and… and…"

"Shh, Moony," Sirius soothed, sitting on the bed carefully and placing gentle hands on his shoulder, "Lie down for fuck's sake, Godric knows what you broke apparating like that you silly sod…"

"You know it's me?!" Remus gripped Sirius's arms, but allowed himself to be put back to bed.

"Of course I do." Sirius leaned over and kissed his forehead, "I'd know you anywhere. Look, sorry about Prongs, he's just on edge. Things have just been a bit…"

"All right, all right, give him some room!"

Sirius whipped around as Marlene stormed into the room, green Healer's robes flying and leather bag in hand.

She shoved Sirius off the bed and leaned over Remus, laying a cool hand on his forehead and looking in his eyes, her freckled face full of sweet concern. She smiled,

"Hello sweetheart," she said softly, "Where have you been, eh? You've had us all worried sick."

"Hi Marlene," Remus smiled back fondly. "Did you qualify as a Healer while I was gone?!"

"Hardly," she laughed, "Still very much a novice. But I'm the best the Order could do at short notice so…" She straightened up, hands on her hips, "Right. What's the damage?"

"Hurt my ankle," Remus reached down to pull up the blanket over his sore foot. It looked awful in the light of day, all swollen and black with bruising. Sirius covered his mouth, but Marlene just tutted,

"Easy enough." She tapped it with her wand, and Remus felt a funny ticklish feeling before *pop* - and it was as good as new. "You'll still need to rest," Marlene cautioned.

"You're a legend, Marls," Remus said gratefully, and then began to cough, that rough raspy bark he'd almost got used to now. "Sorry," he spluttered, eyes watering, "Got a bit of a cough."

Sirius was wincing, and looked more distressed than ever, hand still over his mouth. Marlene pulled down the bedsheets and lay her head directly on Remus's bare chest, listening.

"'Bit of a cough' my arse." She tutted, surfacing, "You've got a stonking great chest infection, is what."

She began emptying her bag, pulling out ointments and potion bottles, "I'll have to ask someone at St Mungo's what's best for that, I haven't done infections yet… now… Madam Pomfrey asked me to make sure you got this, it's her own sleeping draught. I'm working on one myself, but hers will be stronger…"

"Don't give it to him yet!" Suddenly James was in the room, starting forward with his arm out. Everyone turned to look at him, and he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "Er… sorry. It's just that I've finally got hold of Mad-Eye and he's on his way…"

"It's fine," Remus said to the room.

Marlene tutted again. She set the potion bottle down on the bedside table.

"One of you make sure he drinks the whole thing as soon as possible, ok?" She gave James and Sirius a severe look, and they both nodded earnestly. "I have to go to work before I'm missed." She said, straightening up once more.

She squeezed Remus's hand. "So happy to have you back, darling."

He squeezed back, feeling a bit better about everything. They cared about him. He was safe with them. He lay back on his pillow and tried to focus on that feeling.

James and Sirius stood about awkwardly.

"Hi Prongs," Remus tried, a bit wary.

"Hiya Moony," James smiled, his eyes tired and dark, "You all right?"

"Felt worse."

James made a sound that wasn't quite a laugh.

"Where are we, anyway?" Remus asked, looking around at the pokey little room.

"Cornwall." Sirius said. "Remember the pub near the castle? Rented a room. You were… when you got here, I didn't want to move you. Seemed like the best place. Out of the way."

"Does anyone else know--"

"No." James said. "Only us, Marlene and Moody. It's been… things have been hard, and with the attack last night, we thought--"

"Attack?!" Remus sat up again, as the events of the night before came flooding back in a riot of blood and teeth and hair. "Shit, what happened?! Did anyone… was anyone…"

"Not on our side." Sirius said.

That didn't make Remus feel any better, but he tried to look happy about it. He couldn't let his friends know just how blurry the lines between 'our side' and 'their side' had become for him.

"Moony," James started. "Last night, were you there--?"

The door swung open once more, creaking loudly, and Alastor Moody came hobbling into the room, his face set with a look of grim determination. James and Sirius backed out of the way, as Mad-Eye approached Remus's bed. Remus's first instinct was to duck under his blankets and hide like a little kid.

"Lupin." Moody nodded, his electric blue magical eye whirring in its socket, giving him a very thorough once-over. "You made it back, then."

"Yeah." Remus croaked.

Moody held his wand up, pointing it in Remus's face.

"Oi!" Sirius started, but James held out an arm to stop him.

Moody fixed Remus with a very serious gaze.

"Mother's maiden name?"

"J-Jenkins!" Remus stuttered, terrified. Moody nodded, and lowered his wand.

"No offence," he said, glancing at Sirius, "Protocol."

"Right." Remus swallowed, heart pounding.

"How are you? Been seen to?"

"Marlene was here a minute ago," James said. "She'll be back later."

"No one else, do you hear?" Moody said, "Not until I say so. We need to limit his exposure for now, until the furor's died down." He waved his wand, and a chair appeared from thin air. Moody sat down, and looked at Remus once more. "Potter, Black, you can go."

"No." Sirius said, raising his chin. His defiant look hadn't changed since he was eleven. "I'm not going anywhere."

Moody gave him another look, his tongue playing in the corner of his mouth.

"Fine." He grunted. "But keep your mouth shut. I don't want to hear a peep, got it?"

"I um. I'd better go." James said, rubbing the back of his head again, "Sorry Moony, I need to get home…"

"Of course." Remus said, though he didn't really understand. Did James no longer trust him?

James said something to Sirius before leaving, but Remus didn't catch it, and didn't try to eavesdrop. He was too busy holding his nerve against Moody.

He wasn't up to a battle of wills, not after the last few weeks. Now that he knew the building they were in was muggle, he felt the absence of magic more keenly. He'd been used to the enchanted forest, with its unending pool of shared power. Back in the real world, everything felt so mundane. He felt weaker than ever, and began to cough again.

James left, and Sirius handed Remus a glass of water.

"This can't take too long." Sirius said to Moody, "He's supposed to rest, after a full moon, Marlene said--"

"Not a peep, Black." Moody snapped, his blue eye fixing Sirius with a hard stare, the normal, brown one still watching Remus.

Sirius was quiet, but he was clearly not happy about it. He folded his arms petulantly, and looked away. Remus felt a rush of love for him, the spoilt brat.

"I was there, last night." Remus said, quickly, to get things moving. He thought it was probably best to be as honest as possible from the beginning. "I was at the Tonks house, I know what happened - well, most of it - was anyone… did anyone…?"

"One body recovered." Moody said. "One of Greyback's."

"Gaius." Remus said. He wasn't sure how he felt. He'd killed somebody.

"Let's not start there." Moody said, watching his face, "I want to start at the beginning. Where have you been for the past month? Leave nothing out."

Remus was weak and exhausted and sore, but he was not an idiot. He left plenty out. But he also said a lot more than was probably safe. He didn't look at Sirius the whole time; he knew that would make things impossible.

He explained how the pack had kidnapped him, and locked him up for a week and a half. How he'd finally met with Greyback - he heard Sirius breathe in sharply at this, but Moody's expression didn't even flicker. He told them most of the things Greyback had said, though he knew none of it was useful to anyone except him. He confirmed that the pack had been working with Voldemort, keeping the old families scared enough to stay loyal.

"You were imprisoned the whole time?" Moody asked.

"I… no." Remus twisted his mouth, nervously. "They broke my wand, but… I could have left any time. I didn't because I thought… well, I knew it was only a matter of time before they planned an attack, and I wanted to learn as much as I could."

He kept his voice steady the whole time, and hoped he was still a convincing liar. Moody did not comment.

"And the attack?"

"Right, yeah." Remus nodded. "I had to go with them, because Cas-- one of the other werewolves, he was planning to break from the pack. He wanted to be peaceful, to get away from Greyback. He was my ally." Remus felt Sirius's eyes on him, and hoped it was all in his head. "So I helped him, and he helped me. He led the others away, and I stayed back to stop anyone from trying to attack the house."

"While you were a wolf?"

"Yes. I can think better, when there are other wolves there. I tried to warn Mr and Mrs Tonks, I howled, so they'd know they were in danger."

"Ah. So that was you." Moody nodded, "Ted said something about that."

"You've seen them? Are they ok?!"

"Shaken up, but no harm done." Moody gave a curt nod. "How many of Greyback's pack have defected?"

"I don't know. At least half? Maybe there are only four or five left who are loyal."

"Good to know. Can you give me names?"

"They didn't use any names." Another lie, but he just couldn't do it.

"Right." Moody nodded. He watched Remus for a bit longer. Then he sniffed and stood up. "Lie low for a bit, eh? I'll be in touch." He turned to leave.

"Wait!" Remus reached out. Moody turned back, a curious look on his face. Remus bit his lip. "The body." He said. "Gaius. That was me. I killed him."

Saying it out loud made it distressingly real. He felt queasy, and didn't think he'd be able to look Sirius in the eye ever again. Moody kept looking at him. He tilted his head.

"While you were a wolf?"

"Yeah."

"And he was a wolf? Trying to attack a young family?"

"Yeah, but--"

"This is a war, Lupin. Get some rest. Don't dwell on it."

And he left, and that was it. Everything Remus had put himself through for almost thirty days, boiled down to a few key tactical points. He fidgeted with the blanket. It was old, and bobbly, and reminded him of the rough army-style blankets he'd grown up with. Sirius was still standing by, watching him, but Remus couldn't look up, he just couldn't.

Thankfully, Sirius broke the silence first.

"Got your patronus. Bloody hell, where did you learn to do that?"

"Oh," Remus nodded, still looking down, "Yeah, I dunno, I'd seen Ferox do it once."

"Without your wand?"

"I didn't need it, not always…"

"Oh."

More silence. And then -- "I missed you so fucking much!" Sirius burst out, with such force and passion that Remus finally looked up at him. His eyes were wide, and shimmering with tears. He looked as exhausted as Remus felt, and Remus realised that he must have been up all night, too.

"I missed you too!"

Sirius bolted towards Remus, arms out, but hung back at the last moment,

"Can I… is it ok?"

Remus nodded, reaching for him, and Sirius came over and enveloped him in a hug that went on for long, wonderful minutes. Remus felt as if he'd finally been given permission to exhale, and he closed his eyes and felt the warm, comforting weight of Sirius against him.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered into Sirius's hair, "I'm so, so sorry I was gone so long."

Sirius pulled away finally, wiping his eyes briskly,

"You'd better have this potion." He reached for the bottle and uncorked it.

"Thanks," Remus said, too tired to argue. He took the potion and gulped it down in a few seconds.

"Shall I let you rest?" Sirius asked, anxiously. Remus shook his head vehemently,

"No, please stay? Will you lie here with me, for a bit?"

"There's not much room…"

"Calling me fat?" Remus poked his tongue out, shuffling aside to make space. Sirius grinned at him, and lay down.

He put an arm gently across Remus's shoulder, and they lay on their sides facing each other.

"Does James hate me?" Remus asked, finally.

"What?" Sirius frowned. Oh god, he was so beautiful this close up, how had Remus forgotten? "No, of course not. He's got a lot on his mind. His parents aren't well."

"Oh no, what's wrong?!"

"I think they're just old." Sirius said, sadly. "The war… it's been so much harder, lately."

"Please tell me."

"You should sleep."

"Please?"

Sirius sighed. He looked down, then back up, and his eyes were shining once more.

"We lost the Prewetts. Gid and Fab."

"No!"

"It was awful. Five Death Eaters. Five ."

"I can't believe it. Is Molly ok?"

"I don't think any of us are."

"Oh Sirius." Remus hugged him again. "I wish I could have been with you…"

"I thought…" Sirius shut his eyes, then shook his head, hair rustling against the pillow. "No, never mind, it's over now. You're here. You're safe."

"I'm here." Remus repeated, feeling the sleeping draught start to kick in. Sirius stroked his hair gently.

"Remus…"

"Mm," Remus shifted, making himself more comfortable, "Please call me Moony? No one has for so long."

"Moony." Sirius leaned forward and kissed his cheek very gently. "I love you."

"I love you too." Remus smiled, slipping into a warm and happy dream.

The War: Late Spring 1979

Chapter Summary

Warnings:
There's a brief suggestion of alcohol dependency in this chapter, as well as a mention of cancer and the death of close family members.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

I would say I'm sorry

If I thought that it would change your mind

But I know that this time

I have said too much

Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies

I try and laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes

Because boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

They stayed in the room above the pub for two more nights. Marlene came back on the first evening, as good as her word, and brought a potion for Remus's chest infection. She prescribed rest, but the next day Remus was going mad from being cooped up, so he and Sirius caught the bus to the beach.

It was too cool for swimming, being April, so they just walked. It was very quiet out of the tourist season, so it was ok to hold hands, too, for a little bit.

Remus closed his eyes and breathed in the sea air, smiling. The sky was grey, threatening rain, but wind was fresh on his face, and he felt better.

"When we get home," Sirius said brightly, "We'll go to Ollivander's to get you a new wand."

"Great." Remus nodded. He hadn't done any magic since he'd been back. Didn't trust himself.

"That's if Mary'll hold off on your welcome home party," Sirius chuckled, "She was going bonkers worrying. I think she must still have a thing for you."

"Ha." Remus replied.

"And Lily, obviously. She really wants to tell you something, but she said to wait until we're all in the same room."

"Mm."

"Can't wait for everything to be back to normal. Back to being marauders, eh?"

"Yeah."

"D'you remember what sort of wand Lyall had? Maybe you can get the same one again."

"Nope."

"Moony?"

"Mm?"

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

Sirius was quiet after that, and Remus felt guilty. After his brusque de-briefing with Moody, Remus hadn't been in a very talkative mood. He was too anxious to say very much - he didn't know what Sirius might think of him. And on top of that, Remus was struggling more than he thought he would, being away from the pack. He was thrilled to be back with Sirius, of course. But at the same time, he felt he was missing something.

He didn't want Sirius to worry, so he did his best to be normal.

"So nice to be outside." He commented as they walked.

"Are you sure you're Moony?!" Sirius teased, pretending to be affronted, " My Moony hates going outside…"

"Well spend a week locked in a dungeon and tell me how you feel about fresh air." Remus muttered.

Sirius stopped and looked at him, his mouth slightly open, expression hurt. "Sorry." Remus said, guiltily. He took Sirius's hand again. "I didn't mean that."

He'd been doing that a lot, since he got back. Snapping. The smallest thing might set him off, and Sirius was bearing the brunt.

"It's ok." Sirius replied, shakily. "I shouldn't make fun of you. After everything."

"No, I don't want… you shouldn't have to treat me like I'm fragile, or something. I just need to get over it, it's my fault."

Sirius didn't say anything for a long time. Remus fought to urge to probe his mind, as the werewolves had taught him to do. He didn't know if it worked on non-werewolves, but he did know that Sirius had extremely strong feelings about having his private thoughts invaded.

"You don't have to 'get over it'." Sirius said, finally. "But it might help to talk."

"About what?"

"What happened, in the pack."

"I've talked about that already; I've told Moody everything. You were there."

"Remus." Sirius raised his voice slightly. "Come on. You didn't tell him everything . I know you."

"Everything important to the war effort." Remus said, firmly.

"So nothing else happened then?!" Sirius let go of Remus's hand, because his own hands were suddenly in the air, gesturing wildly. "They just locked up up, then let you go, and it was all fine ??"

"Obviously not." Remus folded his arms, suddenly feeling the chill. "But no one wants to hear about things like that."

"Maybe I want to hear."

"Here we go." Remus rolled his eyes, "Well then? What do you want to hear?!"

"Why did you go in the first place? Why didn't you come back to me?"

"I knew it." Remus said, tightening his arms around his body, "You're angry with me!"

"I'm not, I'm just..."

"That's what you meant, wasn't it?! The night I got back!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You know! ' You came back ' that's what you said! You thought I wasn't going to! You thought I'd left for good!" Remus was shouting, all of a sudden, and he wasn't sure how he'd got so angry, but now it was just burning him up.

"Of course I didn't!" Sirius shouted back, "I just… I just didn't know what to think! Do you know what it was like for me?? You just disappeared, and no one would let me look for you, and fucking Ferox wouldn't tell me anything, and James was a mess with his parents getting sick, and the fucking Prewetts..."

Sirius didn't shout often, not as often as Remus anyway, and his voice got very high very quickly, suddenly sounding incredibly posh and haughty. This just riled Remus up even more.

"Oh poor you ! Jesus, I thought you'd got over this spoilt brat routine by now! We're not twelve anymore Black!"

Sirius's mouth fell open now, utterly affronted. Remus felt more alive than he had in days, but he wasn't ever going to admit it. He just kept shouting, shattering the peace of the empty beach, voice ringing against dark wet sand.

"I'm sorry if I'm not like you, I don't want to whinge about every unpleasant thing that happens to me!"

"Like what?!" Sirius yelled, cheeks red, and eyes bright, so that for a moment Remus questioned whether Sirius was enjoying this just as much as he was, "Go on, if I'm so selfish and terrible, please enlighten me on the true nature of noble suffering, Remus, I know that's your speciality!"

"Oh up yours !"

"Well? Why didn't you come back?!"

"Because they were fucking with my head!" Remus practically screamed this, the waves seemed to crash louder and seagulls cried overhead in answer.

He was ablaze, filled with words that came tumbling out of him as soon as he thought them,

"Because I never felt like that before - they were my family, and we were all the same, we were all at home there, and it was… it felt like the only place in the world I was meant to be! All that, it was all that except…" and now tears were coming, scalding hot, "Except he was there, that fucking… that monster. He was so evil, so… and I was scared, and I wanted to come home, to you, I did , but I couldn't just leave them with a man like that. And they could… they could do things I didn't know I could do, they taught me… And I just didn't know who I was anymore."

He wiped his face, the tears dripping off his chin. He looked Sirius in the eye. "I don't know who I am."

They stared each other out, as the echoes subsided. Remus was breathing heavily, his cheeks hot, but he felt good . Relieved.

Finally, Sirius spoke. He put his hands in his pockets and squinted around, off into the distance. He smiled,

"Why is it always this beach eh?"

"What?" Remus blinked, caught off guard. Sirius looked at him, eyes twinkling.

"Why is this the beach where we have all the big revelations?"

"Maybe we're just dramatic."

"How very dare you!" Sirius was smirking, and Remus laughed, despite himself. "Well?" Sirius said, "Feel better?"

"Yeah. Oi, wait a minute, did you just deliberately try to piss me off??"

"No…" Sirius looked away again, piously, "Not at first…"

"Dickhead."

"It worked."

Remus didn't respond, because he really did feel better, and he didn't want to fight again. They kept walking, and eventually reached roughly the spot where they had all camped out two years ago. The wind was kicking up, sweeping across the grassy sand dunes, and the campsite was empty. It didn't look like the same place.

"Think we'll ever come back here?" Remus asked, hands deep in his pockets to stop his coat flapping in the breeze.

"I hope so." Sirius replied. "It's my patronus thought, this place."

"Is it?" Remus looked at him, surprised.

"Haven't had any better summers yet."

"Fair point."

"Oi, look!" Sirius wandered off towards a group of rocks, bent and picked up a big long stick. He waggled it at Remus, grinning, "Want to play fetch?"

Remus laughed,

"Go on then."

Sirius glanced around covertly to confirm they were alone, then transformed into Padfoot. Remus was grateful - he'd done enough talking now, and it was a relief to just play with canine-Sirius for a few hours. The big black dog raced up and down the beach, chased waves, played fetch and generally had an excellent time, and on the bus back to the pub both of them fell asleep.

It wasn't until much later that night, after dinner ( oh, how Remus had missed real food! Mashed potato! Sausages! Gravy! ), when they were getting ready for bed, that Sirius brought it up again.

Remus was yawning as he crawled under the covers, and Sirius got in beside him, quietly, turning off the bedside lamp. The bed was so narrow that Remus had to lie with his back to the wall, an arm around Sirius's waist and a face full of silky black hair which he didn't really mind.

"I know who you are." Sirius whispered into the empty quiet of the dark bedroom.

"Hm?" Remus asked, sleepy and confused. Sirius pulled Remus's hand to his mouth and kissed his fingers.

"You said you don't know who you are any more. But I do. You're my Moony. Always will be. Ok?"

"Ok, Padfoot."

For now it was enough.

Moody got word to them that they could return to their flat, provided that Remus kept a low profile for a while - he didn't specify for how long. This meant no Order meetings and no missions - he wasn't even allowed to visit the Potters' house. For all intents and purposes, Remus Lupin had vanished off the face of the earth a month ago and never returned.

"I bet he just wants to wait for the next full moon to get the all clear." Sirius suggested. "Anyway, you deserve a break."

Remus just shrugged.

"Served my purpose now, I s'pose. They don't know what to do with me."

"Don't talk about yourself like that." Sirius snapped irritably. They'd been stuck in the same tiny room for too long.

They apparated back, and Remus began to feel a bit more himself once he was really home. The flat was immaculately tidy - apparently Sirius had a lot of nervous energy while Remus was away - but otherwise everything was as it should be.

No one was supposed to know that Remus was back, but of course James had told Lily and Peter, and Marlene had told Mary, so the first evening they were home everyone came over at once. Luckily Lily had the presence of mind to bring food, because Sirius had nothing at all in the house.

"Been eating at the Potters'." He mumbled, bashfully.

Remus and Lily went into the kitchen to set out sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple sticks and sandwiches out on plates. Lily set down her carrier bags on the counter and flung herself at him, arms around his waist, head on his shoulder. Remus patted her gently, when he realised she was crying,

"Argh, Lily, please don't…"

"I'm sorry!" She sobbed, her voice thick and muffled against his best woolly jumper, "I just… I didn't think I'd ever see you again!"

"God, you're making more of a fuss than Padfoot."

"Not likely," She laughed, stepping back and wiping her cheeks, "He was a complete wreck while you were gone - you wouldn't have recognised him. I don't think he even combed his hair."

Remus felt a horrid stab of guilt. He didn't want to be gloomy in front of Lily, though, so he just gave her a breezy smile and said,

"So you've got something to tell me?"

"Oh! Er… when everyone's here…" Lily was blushing, and suddenly focussed very hard on chopping up carrots for the dips she'd brought.

It didn't take much longer for Marlene and Peter to arrive, straight from work. Peter even had a briefcase now, with his initials on it. Apparently he'd been doing all right for himself at the Ministry, and Remus tried not to be too bitter about it.

Marlene insisted on giving Remus another once-over in the bedroom, checking his ankle, which was good as new, and his chest, which was much better.

"Honestly, I can't believe you're still smoking." She tutted as he lit up, buttoning his shirt. "You know it kills muggles."

"Die young and leave a pretty corpse," he winked at her, trying not to think about Hope's lung cancer. The fact was that smoking and drinking were the only things he felt like doing these days.

Mary burst into tears as soon as she arrived, and leapt into Remus's arms.

"You absolute bastard!" She whispered into his neck, "I could kill you!"

"Missed you too." Remus said, squeezing her back.

Once they were all together, James and Sirius took over as hosts, which was a relief. Remus felt suddenly very tired, and sat on the couch like a ghost, watching his friends chatter and laugh and act like nineteen year olds for once. He just smiled at them all. Smiled, and drank.

Eventually, the food was nothing but crumbs, and the booze was running low too. James, Sirius and Peter had the idea to summon beers from neighbouring flats via the window, and the girls were trying to convince them not to, when Remus remember what Lily had said in the kitchen.

"What's your news?"

"Oh!" Lily's head turned sharply towards him. She was standing by the window, arms around James's shoulders, trying to pull him away from his thieving attempts. James turned too and they shared a sheepish look.

"Everyone," James cleared his throat, "Um. Lily and I have something to--"

"Oh Christ!" Mary said, suddenly, from where she was lounging in the armchair opposite Remus, legs flung over the arm. "Lily, I thought you were on the pill!"

"Mary!" Lily turned an even deeper shade of red, " Not that!"

"Phew!" Mary laughed, closing her eyes, "Because we're not even twenty yet, we're much too young to be thinking about--"

"We're getting married!" Lily yelped, quickly, before Mary could make any further comment.

You could have heard a quill drop.

Remus blinked a few times, watching James's face to check that it wasn't all a big joke. But he was beaming down at Lily with so much love and pride in those soppy brown eyes of his, that Remus simply smiled to himself. Yes , he thought. Of course . Remus's second thought was Sirius, who had been half leaning out of the window when the announcement broke. Now he spun around so fast he smacked his head on the frame.

"You what?!" He stared at James, a strange mix of surprise and displeasure plain on his face.

"Yep," James grinned, oblivious, wrapping his arms around Lily. "She asked - and who was I to refuse?"

" You asked?" Marlene poked Lily, "Bloody feminist hero, Evans."

"It was a bit more mutual than that," Lily laughed, "We were just talking, and--"

"But we only just left school." Sirius said, his voice dull.

"A year ago," Peter reminded him, straightening the lapels on his green-checked blazer.

"You don't even live together." Sirius folded his arms. Remus felt trapped - these were all the warning signs that Black was getting ready for a fight - except for once it was not Remus he was fighting with.

"I'm going to move in with James's family for a bit," Lily said, her smile faltering as she realised that Sirius was not sharing their joy.

"Yeah, you know how much they love having her around," James said. His voice had hardened, and he kept his arms around Lily as if protecting her. "She's been amazing while they've not been well."

"Have you really thought about this though?!"

"I'm sure they have, Black, chill out." Mary said, trying to lighten the mood. She got up, "Shall I pop out and see if we can get some cheap fizz? This deserves a toast!"

"Yeah!" Marlene stood up too. She hugged Lily then kissed James on the cheek, "Congratulations you two!"

"Congratulations!" Peter raised his beer can drunkenly.

"Have you all gone mental?!" Sirius almost shouted. Remus caught the look of dismay on Lily's face and decided that was enough. He stood up.

"Padfoot." he said, firmly, using that voice, " No ."

Sirius glared at him now. His mouth shut abruptly, and he tossed his head like a moody teenage girl, before pushing past them all and marching out of the room. The bedroom door slammed.

"Silly sod." Mary said breezily. "I'll nip out to the shop - coming Marls?"

"I'd better…" Remus jerked his head in the direction of the bedroom and followed after Sirius.

He didn't knock, just walked right in. After all; it was his flat too. Sirius was ready for him, and started as soon as Remus closed the door behind himself.

"You can't possibly tell me that you think this is a good idea!" He ranted, pacing the room. "Prongs is being ridiculous! We're too young, there's a bloody war on, his mum and dad are ill, and he wants to have a fucking wedding?!"

"I think those all sound like good enough reasons to have a fucking wedding, actually." Remus sighed, sitting down on the bed.

"You're joking! We're kids!"

"They're in love." Remus tried reasoning. Sirius laughed - a mean, cruel laugh -

"Oh, and you're going to start waxing lyrical about love, are you Moony?!"

"Watch it." Remus stood up, sharply, using his height to tower over Sirius. "I don't know why you're being such a tosser to James and Lily, but I'm not going to sit here and have you fling bitchy little comments at me."

Sirius was about to retort, when the door swung open again, and this time James barrelled in, angrier than Remus had ever seen him.

"You dick!" He yelled, "What the fuck are you playing at?! Moony, don't defend him!"

"I'm not!" Remus said, stepping away and crossing his arms, "I was saying the same!"

"Well?!" James rounded on Sirius again, "Want to explain yourself?!"

"No, I want you to explain yourself!" Sirius snapped, "What the fuck?! You're getting married, just like that? I know you've had this mad thing for Evans since you were twelve, but bloody hell! What's the rush?!"

"It's not a 'mad thing'!" James shouted, "I love her! I've been in love with her forever, as you well know!"

"So you have to get married all of a sudden?!"

"I want to get married, and it's not sudden! We've been talking about it for ages."

"First I've heard of it!"

"Yeah, well, I don't have to tell you everything! I didn't want to say anything until Moony was back."

"What about your parents?! What do they think??" Sirius was losing steam, but obviously not willing to stop being angry yet.

"They're thrilled, actually! They love Lily! And I thought you did too! You're my best friend, I thought you'd be supportive!"

"Oh!" Sirius's eyes gleamed, "Because you've always been so supportive of my relationships!"

James's eyes flickered towards Remus, then back again - it was only a split second, but Remus definitely felt it. What the hell was that about?

"You know that's not..." James said, fiercely, jaw clenched.

Remus took that as his cue to leave. Whatever was going on between the two of them, he didn't want any part in it. He went straight to the kitchen and looked under the sink. There was a bottle of firewhisky he'd put there after the last party for safekeeping. He uncorked it and took a long swig.

"Remus?"

He almost choked as Lily entered the kitchen. She laughed and reached out a hand,

"Give us some, then? Mum always said never to drink alone."

He laughed, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve and handing her the bottle. She drank deeply, and didn't wince - Remus watched her with awe and thought that if you had to marry a girl, then she'd better be exactly like Lily Evans.

"Sorry I ruined your homecoming party." She said, forlorn.

"You didn't," Remus shook his head, "Sorry about Sirius."

"Oh, don't be silly - you're not his keeper."

"He's being a prat."

"He's just jealous, I knew he would be." She laughed, catching Remus's look, "Not like that , Moony, it's obvious he's madly in love with you, I mean he's worried he's going to lose his best friend."

"You're probably right."

"I'm usually right." She raised an eyebrow at him, and he laughed again.

"Congratulations," he said, sincerely, this time. "I think it's brilliant."

"Thanks, love," she smiled softly. "It is a bit rushed, I know - my parents went spare; Pet was only married last year, and she's three years older than me. But… you know Euphemia and Monty aren't well?"

"Yeah, I wish I could go and see them, but… Moody's orders, y'know."

"They understand." She touched his arm gently, "Anyway, they're really… I mean, they're not suffering or anything, but they're very old. I knew how much it meant to James - having them see him with me. They want to know he'll be ok when they're gone."

Maybe he'd had too much to drink, but tears pricked in Remus's eyes unexpectedly. He covered his face and groaned,

"Jesus Christ, Evans, can I have five minutes without an emotional breakdown?!"

She laughed and hugged him again,

"Lovely boy."

"We've baa-ack!" Mary and Marlene sang as they stumbled into the flat once more, giggling merrily.

"Hide that, quick!" Lily gave Remus his bottle back, and he stowed it back under the sink behind a box of laundry powder.

By the time Mary had poured everyone a glass (or a mug) of babycham ("the closest thing to champagne you can get in Soho after midnight"), James and Sirius had re-emerged from the bedroom, both still red faced, but apparently on better terms. Sirius joined in the toast, at least, and even gave Lily a polite kiss on the cheek.

Still, the atmosphere had changed, and everyone left within the next hour or so - Marlene was staying over at Mary's in Croydon, Peter went back with James and Lily. When the door closed for the last time at one in the morning, Remus felt like curling up on the couch, covering his head and staying there for a week.

Sirius didn't say much, just did a bit of perfunctory tidying up, then went to the bathroom. Remus heard the lock click shut and took the opportunity for one last glass of whisky and a cigarette before bed. He felt grimy; his teeth were furry, his throat scorched and his eyes itching, but it suited his mood.

He didn't feel like talking anymore; especially if it led to another fight. He even considered just falling asleep on the couch. But then - that might just mean a fight in the morning, and he already knew he was going to be hungover then. Only one thing for it.

Sirius unclicked the door and Remus heard him padding through to the bedroom. Maybe if Remus took his time brushing his teeth Sirius would doze off before he got there - they'd both had a lot to drink. He hoisted himself off the couch and headed for the bathroom.

Remus washed his face and the back of his neck in cold water, and stared at himself in the medicine cabinet mirror above the sink. He'd been avoiding his reflection since he got back. He looked like shit; still too hollow in the cheeks, eyes darker and wider somehow. He was pale from too much drink and his scars stood out like silver wires under his skin.

Did he have that same haunted look that they had; the pack? Had he caught that feral glint, that rangy wolfish smirk? Or was he just seeing the angry, frightened care home kid that has always been there?

He sighed, defeated, and flicked off the light, going to bed at last.

The lights were still on, and Sirius was under the covers, only his silky black hair visible, draped over the pillow. He always slept like that; hidden. With a flash of clarity Remus was reminded of the child Sirius had once been; alone in a big house full of family who couldn't understand him, the weight of expectation pressing in on all sides.

Remus turned his loneliness inwards; always had. But Sirius - he pushed his loneliness out , and let other people take it from him. So he got a bit possessive sometimes, a bit panicky - so what? Nobody was perfect. Softening, Remus got in beside him and very gently stroked Sirius's hair.

"All right?" He whispered.

Sirius's head bobbed in a sort of nod under the duvet, and he reached out to wind his arms around Remus's waist. Remus sighed, relieved. It felt so good to be back in his own bed. They could always just not fight , he thought to himself. "Love you," he murmured, kissing the top of Sirius's head.

Sirius's arms grew tighter around him, and soon enough they both fell asleep.

Chapter End Notes

Song lyrics are from 'Boys Don't Cry' by The Cure

The War: Summer 1979

Chapter Summary

CW gory war stuff, as well as Black family trauma.

Chapter Notes

BEFORE YOU BEGIN: The lyrics used in this chapter are from a song called 'Rex's Blues', which was written/performed in 1977 by Townes Van Zandt. So it counts as an era appropriate song for this fic - BUT, the version which I first heard, and which I had in mind when writing this chapter is by Jolie Holland.

Ride the blue wind, high and free

She'll lead you down through misery

Leave you low, come time to go

Alone and low, as low can be.

Lily and James's wedding was set for late September. It was going to be a relatively small affair - order members and school friends, mostly - and it would be held at the Potters' estate. They were hoping the weather would be nice enough to have it in the gardens, but even if it rained there was plenty of room indoors.

After making such a fuss on the night of Remus's homecoming, Sirius was clearly very embarrassed by how he'd acted, and made up for it by doing pretty much anything James and Lily asked of him. He ordered dress robes for the boys in Madam Malkin's, went to pick up the rings from the jeweller, and offered his entire record collection up for use at the reception.

Remus, who had never been to a wedding, tried to stay well back. As far as he knew, his duty as groomsman was to show up, keep Sirius's head from exploding, and make sure none of Lily's muggle family saw anything too scarring.

Sirius's most bonkers act of contrition was to hand-write all of the invitations. His talent for calligraphy was still one of Sirius's darkest secrets, (and Remus's favourite thing to tease him about) but he was determined to be the perfect Best Man, so he sat hunched over the dining table one afternoon and worked at it for a solid four hours.

"Fifty-eight!" Sirius said, triumphantly, finishing the last invitation with a flourish of his quill.

"Well done," Remus said, glancing over the top of his newspaper, "Ahh, look at your pretty handwriting! So dainty!"

"Better than your chicken-scratch!" Sirius poked his tongue out.

"Just don't tell anyone you did them," Remus advised, "Or you'll start getting requests."

"Do you really think they're that good?" Sirius asked, holding one up to the light to inspect the delicate whorls of black ink.

"They're gorgeous. Really." Remus said, fondly.

"Well, this is the only time I'm doing it," Sirius sniffed, tidying up the pile, "This is the one and only wedding I will ever support."

"What if Mary got married? Or Pete?"

"I'd show up and get drunk, but secretly I would hate every minute."

"Very reasonable," Remus nodded.

"Another thing you can blame the noble and most ancient house of cack for." Sirius said, "Do you know how many engagement dinners and weddings I've been to? Ugh." He shuddered visibly. "So I'm sorry, Moony, but you'll never make an honest man of me."

"Oh, and I was just about to propose," Remus said dryly, getting up, "Tea?"

"Please." Sirius nodded, rubbing his sore knuckles.

Remus entered the kitchen, tapping the kettle with his wand - they'd gone to get it the same day as the dress robes. It had reminded Remus a bit of going to get his school shoes as a boy; Ollivander measured him and then hummed and ahhed and muttered to himself under his breath. He'd rummaged about in the stock room and bought out box after box of wands for Remus to try. Eventually they'd settled on a flexible cypress number, with a unicorn hair core.

He'd been trying to get used to it. It wasn't the same as Lyall's wand (which he'd found out had been blackthorn, with a kelpie hair core) - it seemed less rigid, more inclined to do what Remus told it. Which meant that Remus had to remember not to put too much force behind his magic, as he'd grown used to doing.

He watched the steam rising from the kettle spout thoughtfully.

"It would really piss them off, though," Remus called through the thin wall.

"What? Who?"

"Your family." Remus said, plonking two tea bags into two mugs, "If you married a bloke. A half-blood, werewolf, bloke."

"Don't forget poor!" Sirius laughed. "Merlin, just imagine sending my mother an invitation to that!"

"Imagine sending anyone an invitation to that," Remus snorted, "Christ, I can already hear James making horrible puns about the honey moon ." He carried the mugs of tea back through to the living room, setting them down on the coffee table.

"I've already been engaged once, I really don't fancy doing it again." Sirius said, with an air of finality.

"Oh yeah, you're welcome for that." Remus winked.

Well, if I had a nickel, I'd find a game

If I won a dollar, I'd make it rain

If it rained an ocean, I'd drink it dry

And lay me down dissatisfied.

It's legs to walk and thoughts to fly

Eyes to laugh and lips to cry

A restless tongue to classify

All born to grow and grown to die

The wedding planning was actually a very welcome distraction, as the summer opened up before them. Sirius, James, Peter and Lily were often called out urgently for order missions, and the list of missing read out at the beginning of every meeting was growing longer.

Benjy Fenwick, who had been working with Moody for years was horribly murdered - they couldn't even have a casket at his funeral; there wasn't enough of him left. Darius Barebones - who Remus had never liked, but who was nonetheless a dedicated agent - was found flayed alive in his own office at the ministry. They were miserable times.

Remus was finally allowed to return to the Order officially after two full moons had passed without incident. Ferox believed that the split Castor had instigated meant that Greyback's pack was too weak to be much use to Voldemort - and somehow everyone had got the idea that Remus was responsible for this.

Dumbledore actually shook his hand, saying, "You've done us all so proud, Mr Lupin."

Danny McKinnon had even apologised to him - Remus thought that was probably Marlene's doing.

By July, the Order's numbers had dwindled so much that even Remus was getting sent out - and he was often paired with Mary, which made things bearable. Their general orders were to backup Aurors by standing guard, or managing surveillance on some of the better known death eaters. Remus and Mary spent a lot of time sitting in cafes together, or hiding behind bushes.

One such mission involved following a death eater called Travers, who was known to drink at a wizard's pub near Stoke Mandeville. They were just supposed to see where he went; how he spent an average day. Caradoc Dearborn, a hero of the Order of the Phoenix, had last been seen entering the pub, but no one had heard from him since.

"You came back," Mary whispered, as they waited in the backseat of an ancient Ford Cortina, parked across the road. "So maybe Caradoc will too."

"I hope so." Remus replied.

"I just can't bear not knowing." Mary's leg was shaking nervously, "I keep imagining… and what they did to the Prewetts!"

"Don't think about it." He put a hand on her knee to keep her still, and searched for a distraction, "Hey, did Lily decide on flowers in the end?"

"Anything except lillies or petunias," Mary said, with a grateful smile, "Me and Marls are wearing lavender, so whatever goes with that."

"Sounds nice." Remus nodded, though he couldn't for the life of him picture the colour lavender - was it purple? Or blue?

"I'm so glad you're here with me, Remus," Mary said, "I could only ever get my defensive spells right in your study groups."

"We're just here to watch. Everything will be alright."

They waited for hours, and when Travers finally came out, staggering and reeking of spirits, he was not alone. Remus had to nudge Mary, who'd nodded off, lolling against his shoulder.

"Oh shit!" She whispered, her voice hoarse with terror, "Six of them, Remus!"

Remus held a finger to his lips, signalling her to be quiet. He watched the death eaters spill out of the pub onto the quiet country road. He recognised a few of them from pictures Moody had shown the order - Karkaroff, Dolohov, and Alecto Carrow. Two of them he recognised by scent.

"Fuck." He said under his breath, "It's Mulciber and Snape."

"No!" Mary grabbed his arm, peering to look, "Oh my god! We've got to get out of here!"

The problem was, the car was just for show, and anyway neither of them could drive.

"Stay calm," Remus said, "We'll just wait for them to go - I bet they're going to app--"

"Oooh, muggles!" Alecto Carrow, a stocky, horsey faced young woman pointed gleefully at the Cortina, "Let's play!"

"Fuck." Remus said again. The six dark robed wizards glided towards them, drawing their wands. Remus pulled his out too, Mary following suit. "Quick," he said, "Let's get out, maybe we can--"

" APERIO !" Travers whipped his wand at the car, and the doors ripped away, wrenched from their hinges with a horrible, crunching metal sound.

Mary screamed, but she kept her wand up. Remus pushed her backwards, shielding her with his body and hoping they could get out the other side. He'd feel much better with a car between them and the six dangerous killers.

"They're not muggles!" One of the death eaters said, gleefully - was it Mulciber? "They're mudbloods!"

"Ahh even better!" Alecto cackled.

" Impedimenta !" Remus yelled, as he and Mary got free of the car.

" Loony Lupin , is that you?!" Snape now, "What luck! Sectumsc --"

" LANGLOCK !" Mary cried, with so much emotion that Remus heard the click as Snape's teeth snapped shut, and he clutched his jaw with both hands, unable to speak.

" Crucio !" Mulciber shouted, aiming at Mary, but Remus jumped in quickly with a shield charm.

"Stupefy!" Mary got Mulciber, but the others were still advancing, even Snape, though he was still disabled.

"Quick, Mary!" Remus grabbed her hand, and they disapparated, landing just about on their feet in the middle of Cardiff town centre. Luckily it was so late there were no muggles about - except for a very drunk looking tramp, who rubbed his eyes at the sight of them.

"Where are we?" Mary asked, shakily, her eyes huge.

"Doesn't matter," Remus panted, "We need to do it again - six times to be safe, remember?"

"Right, yes, ok," she nodded, clearly in shock. Remus realised he'd have to do it again. He squeezed her hand once more, and they were in Essex, only a mile or so from St Edmund's. The landing was even harder this time, and Remus had to bend forward to stop his head spinning.

"Again." He grunted.

"I'll do it." Mary took his hand, and dragged him whirling through space once more. Next they had arrived in an industrial estate somewhere, trucks and lorries parked outside big warehouses, glowing under faint yellow street lamps. "Ugh," Mary pressed a hand to her forehead, wincing, "Ok, again."

The fourth time, they had to cling to each other to stop from falling over. The fifth time, they landed on their backs - thankfully in a soft grassy field somewhere in the Lake District. Remus hauled himself up, his legs practically jelly, his head spinning. He pulled Mary up too, and she stumbled against him, woozy.

"I'm going to be sick." She said, then promptly turned around and threw up. Remus rubbed her back gently, blinking sweat out of his eyes,

"You're doing so well," he choked, "Just once more…"

It was almost dawn when they got back to London, exhausted and queasy, heads throbbing. Mary stayed at their flat, saying she couldn't go to her mum's looking so rough. Sirius summoned Moody through the fireplace, and he arrived immediately, interrogating Remus and Mary who sat shaking on the couch, wrapped in blankets and sipping weak tea.

"Excellent work, you two," He nodded to them before leaving, "Keep it up, and you'll both make it through."

Mary burst into tears.

It was bad all round. Remus and Mary's narrow escape that night was not their last, nor were they the only ones to find themselves in a tight spot. Remus frequently had to leave the room while James and Sirius recounted their own misadventures, and Peter had developed a bit of a stammer whenever anyone mentioned death eaters.

All told, the wedding felt like the only bright spot in their rapidly shortening futures. They'd certainly had their fill of funerals.

So, in late August when Remus and Sirius had an unexpected visit from Lily, who was in a state of panic, they immediately assumed the worst.

"Oh, thank god you're here!" She said, bursting into their living room. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, and she looked over tired and overworked.

"What's the matter?!" Remus stood up, quickly.

"Not you," she brushed him aside dismissively, then turned to Sirius, "I need you !"

"What's up?" Sirius looked just as puzzled as Remus. Lily never needed his help. " Is it Prongs?"

"Yes, the bastard."

The worry left Sirius's face and he smirked.

"Look, if this is about the stag do…"

"Oh, I don't care what you lot get up to," she tutted impatiently, "This is much, much more important."

"I'll put the kettle on, then…" Remus said, disappearing into the kitchen. He could still hear them through the wall.

"So, what is it then?" Sirius was asking.

"I can't dance."

"What?!" He scoffed, "I've seen you dance."

"Yeah, I can shake my hips to pop music, but I'm talking about proper dancing . With steps, and James leading, and counting 'one two three', the whole shebang!"

Sirius was laughing, now.

"It's going to be that sort of wedding? Prongs practically promised me there would be modern music!"

"There will be!" Lily returned, defensively, "But… well it's traditional to have a first dance, and I think his mum would like to see it. I agreed to do it ages ago; I thought 'fine, we'll just stick on something soppy and just sort of cling on to each other for a few minutes', but that wanker just casually mentioned the fact that he's been ballroom dancing since he could walk!"

Sirius snorted,

"Yep, sounds about right. Look, Evans, you're the one bonkers enough to marry a pureblood, you've made your bed now."

"But you have to help me!"

"Ohhhh no…"

Remus re-entered the room with a tray balancing three mugs of tea.

"Go on," he said, slyly, "I'd love to see this."

"Absolutely not." Sirius folded his arms decisively. "Get Pete to do it! He's a pureblood too!"

"He's too short," Lily shook her head, "And… well I don't want to be mean, but he's very clumsy, and I don't want him stepping on my feet while I'm breaking in my wedding shoes. They're white satin. Please , Sirius? I'm a fast learner, I swear, you just need to get me through one dance."

"Moony!" Sirius pleaded, as Remus sat beside him, "Save me!"

"I think you should do it," Remus replied, sipping his tea, "For James."

"Yes!" Lily nodded enthusiastically, "For James!"

"He doesn't deserve me." Sirius grumbled. "Fine. One lesson. A waltz is easy enough. Moony, go away."

"Absolutely not." Remus sat down on the couch, settling in for the show, "I've never seen you waltz before, and I'm not going to miss it."

Sirius held up his middle finger, then tossed his head and turned to Lily.

"Right," he said, haughtily, "Give me your hands…"

As amusing as it first seemed, fifteen minutes into the lesson Remus was completely entranced.

Sirius worked hard to hide his pure-bloodedness most of the time. Ever since they were kids, Remus had been aware of Sirius mimicking his accent, and sometimes even his mannerisms in an effort to seem less privileged. He slouched, he swore, he wore ripped jeans and leather jackets. But here was proof that Sirius Orion Black, heir to the most prestigious and ruthless magical house in Britain, had not completely forgotten his roots.

At the time, Remus found it charming - as he found almost everything about Sirius charming. He held his head high, showing off his long white neck and regal jawline. He took Lily in his arms like a real gentleman - like a courtly prince. When he moved, he glided; not a step out of place. He was the picture of incorruptible nobility. It drove Remus mad.

"Thank you so much!" Lily gushed, rather pink cheeked after two hours of dancing, "I have to get back, or he'll wonder where I am, but I seriously owe you one, Black."

"Oh, just your first born will do." Sirius waved a hand gallantly, grinning. He looked like he'd enjoyed himself too.

Lily grabbed her bag, kissed them both on the cheek, and left via the fireplace. Sirius turned to Remus, who was still watching him from the couch. He pulled a face,

"Go on then, take the piss…"

"Never," Remus smirked, getting up and walking over to him, "I love how fancy you are."

He slung his arms over Sirius's shoulders and leaned in for a kiss. It went on a long time; Sirius pressing against him, affectionately at first, but then with more eagerness as the kiss deepened. Since Remus had returned from the pack things had been a bit dry in that department - not that they'd been monks, exactly, but on the rare instances neither of them was exhausted, sex had become pretty functional.

Sirius grinned against Remus's lips, tilting his head back. Remus's hands were on Sirius's waist, and his thumbs found their way under the waistband of his jeans, stroking circles on his hip bones that made Sirius squirm.

Remus grinned too, pulling back,

"Wanna dance?"

So tell my baby, I said so long.

Tell my mother, I did no wrong -

Tell my brother to watch his own

And tell my friends to mourn me none

Three days after the dancing lesson, Sirius and Remus found themselves with a miraculously free Sunday. There were no missions; there were no meetings; there were no wedding-catastrophes to solve. And as far as Remus knew, neither of them were in mortal peril. So they spent it the best way they could think of - sleeping.

They had the longest lie in since Hogwarts had finished, and it must have been almost twelve by the time Sirius got up to let the post-owl in - it had been angrily pecking at their bedroom window for fifteen minutes.

The owl hooted indignantly, circled the room, then dropped the Daily Prophet on Remus's legs, while Sirius rifled around in the bedside table for a knut to give it. Remus rolled over, groaning. He considered covering his head with the duvet and just going back to sleep.

"Shall I do breakfast?" Sirius asked, picking up the paper. "Breakfast in bed?"

"Have I told you how much I love you?" Remus smiled, eyes squinting open. He stretched a bit, yawning, "I think we've run out of eggs though, so--"

"Remus!" Sirius grabbed his arm so hard he'd have bruises the next day. He shoved the paper in his face, and Remus - startled and half awake - blinked at the headline.

BLACK HEIR CONFIRMED DEAD

"Eh?" Remus scratched his head, confused, "That's mental, you're not--"

Then it hit him. Oh. He felt so stupid. He looked up at Sirius, who was white as a sheet, eyes wide and pained.

"Oh" Remus said, helplessly reaching out, "Oh no, Sirius…"

I'm chained upon the face of time

Feeling full of foolish rhyme

There ain't no dark till something shines

I'm bound to leave the dark behind

The War: Dulce et Decorum est

Chapter Summary

Grief is a big theme in this chapter, so read with care.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Sirius didn't speak again. At first Remus tried to be understanding; he did everything he could think of. He got up, he made tea, and offered whisky, though Sirius shook his head at that.

He tried talking to him, but Sirius just stared at the article.

"Is there anything you need? I'll get you anything at all, just say…?"

Nothing. Sirius just blinked, and began re-reading from the top. There was a photograph of a tall terraced house in a posh part of London, but Remus couldn't see much else, and Sirius was clutching the newspaper so hard his knuckles turned white.

It was frightening. Remus stood beside him, reached out and touched his shoulder, which was as stiff as a statue's. Sirius barely reacted. Remus left the room.

He went to the front door, where their two jackets were hung, one soft and brown, one silver studded black leather. He reached into the pocket of the leather jacket and pulled out the silver compact mirror inside. He cracked it open,

"Prongs?! Prongs!"

James's face appeared, dark eyed and concerned,

"Moony?"

"It's Sirius - something's happ--"

"I know," James cut him off, "I just saw the paper. I'll be two minutes."

He vanished, and the mirror just flashed back Remus's own distressed face. Still; that was a relief. James would know just what to do.

Remus hated himself for thinking it, but one thing kept blaring in his mind like a foghorn; was it werewolves? Was it Greyback? He needed to read the article; he needed to find out as much as possible.

The fireplace suddenly blazed green, and James stepped through, casting around. He looked at Remus.

"Bedroom." Remus said. James nodded and went straight through without a word.

Remus closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He could make more tea. He really wanted a proper drink, but it was early in the day, and if Sirius didn't want any then it would look pretty bad if Remus started on the gin. Fuck . Sirius had been so good when Hope died - how?! At the time Remus had taken it for granted, and now he couldn't think of a single useful thing to say or do.

Regulus was dead. Sirius's brother was dead.

Remus went back into the bedroom. James was sitting on the bed, an arm around Sirius, talking in his ear very low. Sirius looked as though he was only half listening as he stared into space. The paper had been dropped, finally, and lay on the floor, half under the bed.

"He made his choice a long time ago," James was saying, "You mustn't blame yourself, you mustn't let this--"

"It doesn't say what happened." Sirius said, finally speaking, his voice deeper than usual, "Does anyone know? Your dad, or Moody? Was there an attack last night, or--?"

James shook his head, arm still around Sirius,

"No, nothing that would suggest… but of course, we could have missed something. There's evidence that he - that Voldemort's been killing death eaters. To um. To keep them in line. Some of them are having doubts, you know."

Remus remembered the werewolves' sinister occupation. Perhaps Greyback hadn't been enough of a threat for some of the old families. Voldemort had to make an example. That made some sense. Apparently it did to Sirius, too. His eyes focussed, narrowing. He sniffed, though he hadn't shed one tear, and straightened his back, shrugging off James.

"Well then." He said brusquely, "Got what he deserved, didn't he."

James glanced back at Remus, and they shared a worried look.

"Mate," James said, "He was your brother, it's ok if--"

"No." Sirius stood up, sharply, forcing James to get up too, staggering back against the wardrobe, "He wasn't my brother. They're not my family. That was always made very clear ."

"But you--"

"He was my enemy. He'd have killed every one of us without a second thought. So I'm glad he's gone. One less Death Eater. Good. Brilliant." He looked at James and Remus, as if challenging them. Neither of them dared. "I'm going to take a shower." He said, and left the room.

Remus gnawed his lip. James let out a heavy sigh.

"At least he's up, I s'pose. Ugh, Regulus, you little shit . It's like his final act was to mess with Sirius's head."

"I know what you mean." Remus said, trying to see the funny side. "It feels like any time things start getting back to normal another catastrophe hits."

"Moody would say 'that's war, lads'." James replied, just as humourlessly.

They were quiet for a bit, and heard the boiler in the bathroom grinding as Sirius turned on the hot water. James ran his fingers through his hair, "It'll be over for good, one day. I know it will, Moony. We've just got to do our best until then."

Remus nodded - and he did feel a bit better. James had that power; he could bring optimism to even the darkest hour.

"How are your folks?" Remus asked, aware that James had left his sick parents very suddenly.

"They're ok. Mum's panicking about flower arrangements. Pete and his mum are visiting, and Lily's there, so they're not alone. I didn't tell them about this… there wasn't time, and I don't want to put any more strain on them. They'd want to come over and check on him."

"If he's decided to be like this about it," Remus said, "Then I think it's best not to fuss too much."

"You're right." James nodded, tiredly. He gave Remus a soft smile, "You were always right, when it came to him, eh?"

Remus shrugged, because he thought James was being awfully kind - usually Remus thought he was doing a terrible job taking care of Sirius.

"I tried to contact Moody," James continued, back to business, "See if he knows anything - but he's not answering. To be honest -" James lowered his voice, leaning in to confide in Remus, "I don't think Regulus was particularly high priority for anyone. It's only because he's a Black that he ended up in the paper at all."

"You think it was Voldemort, though? Who killed him?"

"Seems likely. He's getting desperate, dad reckons. No one thought the war would go on this long - it's not just our side that's flagging."

They went through to the living room, and Remus made more tea. They were almost out of PG tips, and he scribbled down a note to pin to their cork noticeboard which hung beside the fridge. Once they'd sat down, Remus finally read the article in the paper.

BLACK HEIR CONFIRMED DEAD

Regulus Arcturus Black II, only child of Orion and Walpurga Black, has today been confirmed dead in a statement issued from the Black family home in Islington. Born in 1961, the heir to the Black house and fortune was eighteen years old. He had recently completed his education at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he distinguished himself as an impeccable student and gifted quidditch player.

Regulus is survived by his parents and his cousins who will attend a private memorial service later in the week. The family have requested privacy.

That was all. There wasn't much else to say about such a short life, Remus supposed, and what had been said was largely untrue, or at the very lease a smudged version of the truth. There was no mention at all of how he had died - but Remus thought that was probably a good thing; at least it definitely wasn't Greyback. The Daily Prophet wouldn't miss a chance to slip in a bit of werewolf bashing.

Sirius came into the living room, hair dripping, towel around his waist.

"I think I'll work on the bike, today." He said to the room, not really looking at either James or Remus, "Go home, Potter, I'm fine." And left again, presumably to get dressed.

James and Remus looked at each other again.

"Will you be ok?" James asked, "If I go?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Ok." James hoisted himself up out of the armchair and went to the fireplace. "You have the mirror, if you need me. I'll pop back this evening."

"We'll be fine." Remus said, getting up to say goodbye. "He just needs a bit of space."

"Don't give it to him." James said, suddenly, looking Remus in the eye, "Moony, I need you to keep an eye on him, ok? Don't let him go anywhere. Don't let him… don't let him try to get in touch with anyone he's related to. Except Andromeda, I s'pose."

Remus nodded. That wouldn't be too hard - Sirius never spoke to his relations.

"No problem."

"I mean it. He might do something stupid, and we can't risk it. Plenty of people still think Sirius is… you know, untrustworthy, because of his name, and something like this is going to…" James pinked the bridge of his nose, as if he was getting a headache. "Bloody Regulus." He muttered again.

"I'll look after him." Remus said, firmly. "Don't worry."

"Thanks, Moony," James gripped his arm, and it was as if they were thirteen again; juggling responsibility for their wayward best friend.

James left, and Sirius reappeared at once, as if he had been waiting.

"Were you talking about me?"

"Of course we were," Remus jutted out his chin, "We're worried about you."

"What did Prongs say?"

"That I'm not to let you out of my sight."

Sirius snorted, "You'll have to come to the garage, then."

"Fine," Remus smiled, breezily, "Lead the way." He was determined to do as James had instructed - if only because he had no idea how else to be useful.

Remus had only ever been to their shared garage once. There were a few things stored there - mainly Sirius's quidditch kit and various childhood things which wouldn't fit in the flat. And the bike, of course. It was a Triumph Bonneville T120, the same as the one Sirius had first fallen in love with years ago at the Potters'. He'd painted a lion on the tank, and done some kind of enlarging spell on the body.

Sirius pulled out a rag and polished it, though it was already glistening. Remus stood quietly by, watching. Sirius prodded it with his wand in a few places, oiled it in others.

"When do you think it'll be finished?" Remus asked, finally. "Ready to ride?"

"Last week," Sirius replied, not looking up.

"You what?"

"It's done. Engine runs, flying function works. I'm finished. I think so, anyway, haven't taken it out yet."

"Why not?"

Sirius just shrugged, and resumed his polishing. Remus watched him a bit longer. Obviously Sirius didn't feel like talking, and that was fair enough - Remus understood that better than most people. But he also understood the need to do something when you couldn't express yourself properly.

"Let's go, then." He said. Sirius, crouching in front of the bike rocked back on his heels and looked at Remus.

"Go? Go where?"

"Anywhere you like," Remus shrugged, "Let's take it for a spin."

Sirius blinked,

"Really? You'll come with me?"

"Well I'm hardly going to let you fly off on that deathtrap alone, am I?" Remus laughed, "What sort of boyfriend would I be if I didn't follow you into the jaws of certain doom?"

The ghost of a smile flickered on Sirius's face, and he stood up.

"Ok, then," he nodded, "Let's do it."

Remus had never liked flying. He was competent on a broom these days, but it would never be his chosen form of transportation. He just didn't like heights very much.

Still, he would do almost anything for Sirius, so he clambered onto the back seat and wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist and took lots of very deep breaths. Sirius actually laughed at him, which was progress,

"Moony, are you sure you want to do this? I can feel your heart pounding!"

"Absolutely." Remus nodded, squeezing his eyes shut as Sirius gripped the handlebars, "I'm sure I've faced worse than your driving."

"Well, if you're sure…" Sirius revved the engine and Remus clung on even tighter as the seat began to rumble.

They went slowly at first, Sirius navigated carefully out of the garage, pointing his wand at the door so that is closed and locked behind them, then trundled slowly along the quiet back street. Then he flicked a switch, and pressed down his foot, and they sped away, Remus still trying not to look, his stomach doing backflips.

"Here we go!" Sirius called out, and Remus buried his head in Sirius's shoulder as they lifted off the ground, engine roaring as they gained height. Remus felt himself sliding backwards and yelped as his tailbone hit the metal back of his seat.

"Christ…" he whimpered. He really was going to die. Sirius laughed again,

"We did it, Moony!" He cried, "Open your eyes you big wuss!"

Remus did, and instantly regretted it. They were a few hundred feet above the London skyline already; he could see the broad concrete rooftops and beige streets below. The people looked like tadpoles and the cars like beetles and it was such a long way down.

"Oh my god…" he moaned.

Sirius cheered happily

"Isn't it amazing!?" - he was facing forward, eyes on the horizon. It was blue skies as far as the eye could see. The wind rushed past their ears, cold and fresh, and Remus had to squint against the sun.

"'mazing," he shouted back, feeling quite sick, but pleased that Sirius was happy.

They zoomed all over London for the better part on an hour - going as low as Sirius dared along the winding Thames, taking sharp corners around skyscrapers and almost crashing right into the dome of St Paul's. Finally, the engine began to slow, and Remus noticed they were losing height. He looked down, bravely and squinted at the unfamiliar streets below,

"Where are we?"

"Islington."

"What?! Sirius!"

Shit! He was supposed to be keeping him away from the Blacks, and now they were heading right for them!

"Calm down," Sirius replied, as they sank even further. They appeared to be aiming for a huge stretch of green space - a public park with trees and a lake and neat gravel paths around brightly coloured flower beds.

The landing was less than perfect. They hit the grass so hard they drove great muddy tracks in it, and Remus was finally thrown from the saddle altogether (though he was so relieved to be back on solid ground he could have kissed the grass).

"Bugger," Sirius said, cutting the engine and leaping off gracefully, "I'll get better at that bit - you ok?" He held out a hand to help Remus up.

"Fine, I think," Remus brushed his trousers and arms. "Where are we?"

"Highbury Fields." Sirius cast obfuscate on the bike and then did his best to mend the ruined lawn. "I used to come here a lot before I left home."

"Oh, right," Remus said, softly, "With Reg?"

"Sometimes," Sirius sniffed, "Our governess brought us."

Remus decided to store away this new revelation that Sirius had had a governess for another time.

"It's nice," he said, looking around at the lush green parkland, "Pretty. Want to show me around?"

Sirius smiled at him gratefully, and they went for a quiet Sunday afternoon walk. Here and there Sirius would stop and point something out - a tree he had climbed once, or a bridge he'd hidden under. Remus enjoyed listening. He had rarely heard any happy childhood memories from Sirius, and for a little while he even forgot why they were there.

They stopped by the war memorial. It was particularly fancy - Remus supposed because there was a fair bit of money in Islington. Atop the white plinth stood the green hued statue of a young woman in ancient robes, holding aloft a laurel crown. An allegory for victory.

"I did my first magic here." Sirius said with a grin, "When I was four."

"Really? What did you do?"

"Set fire to her head," he nodded at the statue. "Always been a rebel."

"Amazing," Remus laughed.

"Yeah, Douceline - our governess - went mad trying to put it out. But we kept laughing, me and Reggie, and every time she extinguished it I just did it again, because it made him so happy."

Sirius looked down. He was quiet for a while, and Remus just put a hand on his shoulder, to show that he didn't have to speak, if he didn't want to.

They looked at the plaque on the memorial. How sleep the brave who sink to rest, By all their country's wishes bless'd. Remus couldn't help but wonder about the names of the men listed below. How old had they been? Robert Fenn, Peter Cross, Arthur Hill… Had they all thought they were doing the right thing? Had they all been brave in their last moments? Had they thought of their family, their brothers?

And when this war was over, would there be a plaque just like this in Diagon Alley? Whose names would it bear? Not Regulus's.

"Come on." Sirius said, finally. "I'm ready to go home, now."

Chapter End Notes

The chapter title is from the Wilfred Owen poem of the same name, which itself is taken from Horace.

The War: Autumn 1979

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Well I take whatever I want

And baby I want you

You give me something I need

Now tell me I got something for you

Come on come on come on and do it

Come on and do what you do

I can't get enough of your love

I can't get enough of your love

I can't get enough of your love

Friday 7th September 1979

"Uuurrgh, bugger!" Remus groaned, cradling his shoulder and biting his lip.

Padfoot came bounding over, yapped, then transformed back into Sirius,

"What's up?"

"Dislocated." Remus grimaced, still clutching his arm. "Have you got my wand?"

"Yeah, hang on..."

"All right, Moony?" James and Peter came sauntering out of the thicket. "That was great!"

"Yeah, great…" Remus accepted his wand from Sirius and pointed it at his sore arm. He thought about Livia and Castor, as he did every full moon since meeting the pack. He hoped they were both safe, and he sort of wished he had them nearby, just for the healing benefits.

Arm fixed - or as close as he could get it, he struggled to his feet and pulled on his clothes, stashed under a nearby bush.

"Ok?" Sirius asked, watching him warily, "You look a bit shaky."

"Just hurts a bit," Remus said, having to stop himself from shrugging, "Can I side-along with you to get back?"

"Of course. Oi, Prongs," Sirius nudged James with his elbow, grinning, "Bloody good stag do, eh? Eh?? Stag do?!"

"Yes, Padfoot, very funny," James snorted, "Just as funny as the last hundred times."

"I'm wasted on you lot," Sirius sighed.

"Less than twenty-four hours to go!" Peter said, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired." James said, with a yawn. "Shall we?"

They apparated back to the Potters', which was already a hive of activity. They'd hired four extra house elves in preparation for the wedding the next day, and the tiny little creatures darted back and forth across the kitchen whipping up a feast.

Lily and Mrs Potter were sitting at the kitchen table - Mrs Potter in her dressing gown and slippers, which she was never out of these days. Lily jumped up to kiss James,

"Morning darling - I just stayed long enough to see you, but I'll be off now. How are you, Remus?"

Remus nodded, blank and exhausted.

Lily cocked her head and tutted, "Go to bed, the lot of you, you all need your beauty sleep. James, I've left you a list of things you need to get sorted this afternoon - give me a ring when it's all finished or I'll never sleep. Sirius, did he give you the rings? Oh no, silly me, I've got them, here you go… Remus, will you make sure he doesn't lose them? Pete, your mum popped round and I said you'd gone out with the lads and were sleeping off a hangover, so better if you don't go home. I'm sending Mary over this evening with the buttonholes for you all, and the ties if Madam Malkin hurries up and gets them finished… oooh, do you all have shoes?!"

"Merlin, Evans," Sirius yawned, "Anyone would think you're getting married tomorrow."

She stuck her tongue out at him, kissed James, hugged Remus and hurried out the door.

"Go to bed, boys!" She shouted, as she left. "See you at the top of the aisle, Potter!"

Remus looked down at the list Lily had left James - it was at least fifteen inches of parchment, and Lily had small handwriting. James ignored it,

"Alright, mum?" He said, going over to Mrs Potter. She had two dark smudges under her eyes, and her hair was pale and stringy. Remus was finding it hard to meet her eye, these days - she reminded him so much of his last visit with Hope.

"Fine, fine," She beamed up at him, "There's so much to do!"

"Leave it for now," he said, an arm around her, "Let's all go to bed…"

"That Lily," Mrs Potter said as they all made slow progress up the stairs, "She's a force to be reckoned with."

"Too right." The boys all agreed.

Remus collapsed into bed without even taking his clothes off, and could have fallen asleep right there.

"Moony," Sirius yawned again, pulling his boots off, "Don't conk out until you've had your potion, McKinnon's orders."

"Mmmph." Remus groaned, rolling over and reaching for the bottle on the bedside table. Sirius clambered in beside him as he finished it.

"Whose idea was it to have a wedding right after a full moon?!" He complained, another yawn encroaching.

"I told you all to just leave me to it," Remus replied, closing his eyes and flinging an arm over his face.

"And miss the chance to make 'stag do' puns for the rest of the week? No chance."

Remus chuckled and quickly fell asleep.

Having never attended a wedding in his life, Remus was very grateful to Lily for having left a list. It meant he always knew what to do. However, he quickly learnt that very little about weddings made any sense at all. For example, once they'd all woken up around midday, their first task was to decorate the quidditch hoops in the back garden.

"Why are we doing this?" Remus asked, frowning up at the goals, as Peter arrived levitating a crate of white flowers.

"So they look nice," James replied, broom in hand. "It's the only way Lily would get married under them."

Remus stared at him,

"You're getting married under your old quidditch hoops?!"

"I know!" He grinned, "Brilliant, isn't?!"

"Err…"

"Moony," Sirius said quickly, "You and Pete work on the growing charm down here, Prongs and I will fly up and do the hoops."

Once they were finished, the three goal posts looked like a bizarre spindly rose bush had tried to take over. Next they had to decorate the nearby trees with the same flowers, and summon all of the chairs from the Potters' extensive attic, then get them to line up neatly in rows of eight. After that, Mrs Potter asked Peter and Sirius to help her with all of the crockery for the reception, and gave James and Sirius instructions to 'sort out the ballroom'.

"Ballroom?!" Remus looked at james, confused. He'd been visiting the Potters' for years now, and felt he knew the house pretty well - but he'd never seen a ballroom.

"Yeah, we don't use it much," James replied casually, "Keep it in storage."

"In… storage?" How on earth you 'stored' an entire room, Remus did not know.

"Yup, I just need to remember where the instructions are…"

They went into James's dad's study, and James located a map inside one of the desk drawers. Remus got quite interested then - he would always be very fond of maps. This one was a blueprint for the Potters' mansion, which made it extra fascinating. There were all kinds of special little spells and enchantments labelled on it, but they had work to do, so he couldn't get a good look.

The ballroom was hidden behind the living room couch. James and Remus both had to concentrate very hard and murmur some ancient incantations to get the doors to appear. Then, of course, the couch had to be moved and the door unlocked, which was annoyingly fiddly.

When James finally pushed the oak panelled double-doors open, Remus's jaw dropped. It was one of the most beautiful rooms he had ever seen; art deco marble pillars as far as the eye could see, and a glorious stained glass ceiling which cast jewel coloured patches of sunlight onto the dark hardwood floor.

"Bloody hell." He swallowed, feeling very small. He remembered watching Sirius and Lily rehearsing dance steps in their tiny living room, and for the first time in a long time Remus felt very poor and grubby next to his wealthy pureblood friends.

"I know," James laughed, "Stupid, isn't it? But y'know, at least we'll fit everyone in. I think we've got thirty-three Weasleys coming already."

Feeling a bit better, Remus set about helping James check the room, and then they conjured some mops to begin cleaning the floor. James closed the doors while they did this, so that they would not be disturbed,

"I know we're not really doing anything," he said guiltily, leaning against a marble column, "But I just want five minutes without someone giving me an order. I wouldn't mind, but Moody's only giving us two days off for the wedding - we're expected to report for duty on Sunday."

"Christ," Remus shook his head, tutting. They stood quietly for a bit, watching the mops glide back and forth like funny skinny ballroom dancers. Remus was grateful for a breather, too. The weekend had begun with a full moon, and was only going to get more hectic as it went on.

"How's Sirius?" James asked, out of the blue.

"Eh? Fine. Why?" Remus frowned.

"Just checking."

"You see him almost as much as I do." Remus teased him. It was true - James was much keener on the flying motorbike than Remus was, and they went for rides together almost every evening.

"I know," James nodded, "But he hasn't said anything about Regulus since… well, since he died."

"No." Remus sighed, "No, he hasn't."

It wasn't as if Remus had been pushing Sirius to talk about it, either - but he didn't think James would understand their policy of never discussing family stuff.

"I don't like him bottling it up," James said, "I know he had a complicated relationship with Reg, but it can't be normal to just pretend like he never existed."

"Who's to say what's normal?" Remus countered, "Everyone grieves differently."

"So he is grieving?" James was giving Remus a very intense look, and it made him uncomfortable. He didn't like other people asking him about Sirius's personal stuff - that was between them.

"Yeah, of course." He lied. That seemed to work.

"Good. I've been worried about him, it's been a shit year all round, eh?"

"Could say that," Remus snorted. "It's about to get a lot better though. Any pre-game nerves?"

"Nah," James grinned, the worry leaving his face, "Feel like I've already won the cup."

"Oh my god Prongs, you soppy git. That's what you get for going out with girls."

James roared with laughter, and by the time he had regained his composure the mops had finished their task, and the floor was gleaming as if brand new.

Saturday 8th September 1979

The first wedding Remus ever attended was the most beautiful and the happiest - and there was no way you could convince him otherwise. Everything went off without a hitch (well, he did have to talk an overexcited Sirius out of transforming into Padfoot to deliver the rings, but luckily it was only a fleeting mania), and it was smiles all round.

James's parents looked as though they would burst with pride, both appearing healthier than Remus had seen them in ages, decked out in red and gold dress robes - Gryffindor colours. Marlene and Mary made beautiful bridesmaids in simple pale mauve dresses with circlets of gypsophila in their hair, and of course Lily herself was a vision in white lace.

It seemed to Remus that the day flew by in a pastel hued blur. He was always supposed to be somewhere, or doing something; there was barely a moment to relax and take stock. He was very glad that he'd never be getting married, because just being a groomsman was exhausting enough.

Once the ceremony was over and they had to start mingling, Remus found himself feeling very shy. He hadn't been around so many wizards and witches since Hogwarts - the magic in the air was palpable; muggy. It bothered him less, now. His time with Greyback's pack had taught him to cope with it, and as long as he didn't need to do magic he was fine.

There were plenty of people he knew, of course. He spotted the Weasley's without too much bother; Arthur and Molly were running around all over the place after their five rambunctious redheaded sons; the eldest two had decided they wanted to play quidditch with the decorated hoops now that the boring bit of the day was over.

Then of course Moody and Hagrid and Dumbledore, and lots of other people from the Order. It was nice to see them all at a happy event, for once; it made everyone look younger. Frank and Alice were just back from their honeymoon - which Alice confided to Remus had actually involved quite a lot of work; they'd gone to Slovenia on a knowledge transfer mission with the local Aurors.

And of course Ferox was there. He came over to shake Remus's hand manfully,

"Looking very smart, Lupin," he nodded, and Remus felt himself blush head to toe - though he knew Sirius looked a million times better in exactly the same robes. "And Ms. McDonald," Ferox kissed her hand, which made her blush too, "Very beautiful indeed. Will it be wedding bells for you two, next?"

Remus blinked - he hadn't come out to very many people, fair enough, but he sort of though most people had cottoned on by now.

Mary laughed,

"As if Remus would marry me! I'd drive him up the wall!"

"Ah well," Ferox clapped him on the shoulder, "You're still young. Lots of wild oats to sow."

"I live with Sirius," Remus said, raising his eyebrows a little bit to see if his old teacher took the hint. But apparently not. Why were grownups always so dense?

"Free wheeling bachelors, eh?" Ferox laughed, gruffly.

Mary looked as though she was about to say something, but Remus caught her eye and gave the tiniest shake of his head. Not worth it.

"That's right," he nodded enthusiastically at Ferox.

After dinner (the best part of the day, in Remus's opinion) Lily and James cut the cake - a huge towering affair with thirteen tiers covered in buttercream icing and pink piped roses - and then the dancing began.

Lily did Sirius proud - Remus could hear him counting under his breath as he watched them; "One two three, one two three… straighten that back, Evans! Good girl…"

The waltz over and done with, someone cast an amplifying charm on the Potters' old turntable, and a Bad Company song began playing, which got all of the young people up and dancing - including Sirius, who Remus was grateful to hand over to Andromeda. Remus Lupin did not dance.

He was happy enough to sit by with a glass of champagne just watching, as usual. He look for Peter, who liked to dance but often lost steam after a few songs, but couldn't see him anywhere. He'd probably found some friends from work and gone to chat with them. Yaz and Marlene were on the dancefloor - they were both pretty dreadful, Marene wasn't used to heels - but it was very sweet all the same. Yaz had cut her hair since leaving Hogwarts in June, and the cropped pixie look really suited her.

Mary came to Remus's rescue, in the end, as always. She hobbled over with a pained expression on her face and plonked down beside him.

"Blimey, these french knickers she's got us in go right up your bum."

"Charming as ever, MacDonald," Remus smirked.

James and Lily whirled past them, smiling at each other like maniacs.

"Look at them," Mary sighed. "Why can't I find a bloke who loves me that much, eh? Not like I haven't been looking."

"You'll find him," Remus replied, just as happy.

"I'll know it when I see it, that's what my mum says."

"If you're lucky," Remus snorted. He was a bit drunker than he'd initially thought, and his tongue was loose. But it was only Mary. "They say 'love is blind' for a reason."

"I never had trouble recognising it, to be honest." Mary confided. "It's letting it in, that's the hard part."

Remus nodded in agreement, though he wasn't sure he followed. She continued, sipping her champagne. "Like you did, with Sirius."

"Oh yeah, my freewheeling bachelor friend." Remus poked his tongue out, making Mary crease up, giggling. Remus grinned, happy to make her happy. He squeezed her knee, "You're going to fall in love one day, how could you not? Anyone would be lucky to have you."

"Maybe once the war is over." She said, lowering her voice, still watching the dancing. "I'm not sure I could survive falling in love right now, not with everything else on top."

"Mm." Remus looked away.

"Hiya," Marlene appeared, drink in hand, "Remus, your boyfriend stole my partner." She nodded across the dancefloor at Sirius and Yaz, who were swinging each other around wildly, apparently unable to decide who should lead.

Remus laughed, and Mary frowned, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Marlene gave her a sympathetic look,

"French knickers?"

Mary nodded, wearily. Marlene leaned in and whispered, "I took mine off in the loos after the ceremony."

"Oh my god McKinnon, you genius." Mary sat up abruptly and strode across the room towards the doors. Marlene laughed, taking her seat.

One of the Weasley kids came skidding past, sliding on his knees across the highly polished ballroom floor. Molly came chasing after him, panting,

"WILLIAM ARTHUR WEASLEY YOU WILL RUIN THOSE TROUSERS!"

Marlene giggled, covering her mouth with her hand politely. She leaned in and whispered to Remus,

"I heard her tell Hattie Bones that she's pregnant again - and she only just had twins last year!"

"Crikey." Remus said, developing a whole new respect for quiet and reserved Arthur Weasley.

"I reckon those two are having kids as soon as possible." Marlene nodded at James and Lily, "Be very surprised if we don't get an announcement before Christmas."

"Eurgh, really?" Remus wrinkled his nose. Weddings were one thing - they only lasted a day. But babies ?! They had to do babies, now?!

"Don't be such a grumpy sod." Marlene gave him a sharp elbow, "Change is part of life. Come on, treat me to a dance. Be nice to have a partner that's taller than me." She stood up and tugged on his wrist.

"Oh…" Remus sighed. "Ok, but only because they haven't served the cake yet."

Chapter End Notes

The song at the beginning is 'Can't Get Enough' by Bad Company.

The War: Winter 1979

Chapter Summary

Finishing off 1979 with a few wintry evenings. This chapter (and likely the new few chapters) is really more a series of episodes to give a shape of Remus's life from 1979 onwards.

Warnings:
- Homophobia/threat of homophobic abuse
- Drinking - there's been a lot of drinking in the fic so far, but in this chapter particularly Remus begins showing signs of alcohol dependency/alcoholism. This is deliberate, and part of his characterisation - from 1980 onwards it will only get worse, so just a heads up.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight!

I'm sick and tired of taking drugs and staying up late.

I wanna confirm. I wanna conform.

I wanna be snug and I wanna be safe and I wanna be warm.

I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight,

I wanna create a place of my own in the welfare state.

I'm gonna be good; I'm gonna be kind.

It might be a wrench but think of the stench I'm leaving behind...

I wanna be straight! I wanna be straight,

Come out of the cold and do what I'm told and don't deviate.

I wanna give, I wanna give, I wanna give my consent -

I'm learning to hate all the things that were great when I used to be... bent!

Friday 23rd November 1979

After all of the excitement of autumn, the beginning of winter felt remarkably unremarkable. Remus tried to be grateful for it; for once in his life things were quiet. He didn't get kidnapped by werewolves; there were no parents' funerals or brothers dying.

He tried to make himself useful to the order. Sometimes they wanted things researched - help identifying curses that the death eaters were using, or coming up with new spells that could be used against them. He occasionally worked with Alice on this, and got to know her fairly well. She was incredibly intelligent, one of the most skilled duellists Remus had ever met. He got very good at defensive charms, and spent a lot of time visiting various safehouses, setting up barriers and early warning systems.

Remus worked hard. He threw himself into it. He had a very strong desire to be involved, to strive for something good. Maybe he was growing up. Maybe he was just sick of having no control over his own life.

Marlene came over a few evenings a week after work. She and Remus would sit up at the kitchen table, and he would tell her as much as he could about being a werewolf - his sense of smell, his increased metabolism, and how he cared for himself during and after a full moon. He tried to be as honest as he could without getting anyone else in trouble, and she diligently took notes, asked questions and suggested improvements.

It was difficult for Remus, but also necessary. Marlene's earnest nature and fierce determination to improve living standards for werewolves made him feel a bit better - like he might be doing some good after all.

"We need to get the ministry away from this idea that cells and bars are the only remedy," she would say, "From what you've told me, woodland is far better for the health of the subject - and we're hardly short of woodland, are we? A few protective barrier spells would do it… all we need is some creative thinking, some compassion …"

Remus smiled at her. Marlene made him feel like there really would be change one day. And it was nice to spend time with a friend - Sirius was so often out in the evenings on missions or at meetings.

"How are you finding it, living with Sirius?" Marlene asked one evening as she was packing up. She looked around at the dark empty flat, "Quieter than my house."

Marlene was still living with her mother and step-dad, and Danny ever since he'd been bitten. More recently, Yaz had moved in too. Remus didn't know all the details, but it sounded as though Yaz's parents hadn't been thrilled when they found out about Marlene.

"It's fine," Remus nodded, helping her collect together her notes. "Different from school, obviously."

"Bet it's nice having your own space."

"It can be."

"Do you… do you two fight much? You know, with all the stress and the missions…" Marlene was chewing her lip now, fiddling with a strand of loose hair.

"No." Remus said, reflexively; shutting down, as he always did when it came to his private life with Sirius.

"Oh," Marlene sighed, lowering her eyes. "Maybe it's just us then. Maybe because my family's around all the time."

Remus felt a rush of sympathy for her. He touched her arm, "I bet it's normal, with all the stuff everyone's been through lately. Emotions running high and all that."

"Maybe." Marlene still sounded forlorn.

"Look," Remus said, lowering his voice even though they were alone, "The only reason Sirius and I don't argue is that we're barely ever in the same room lately. And when we are in the same room we do everything we can to avoid talking about the war, even though it's all either of us can think about."

He felt a rush of adrenaline having said this - he rarely spoke so openly about his feelings with anyone but Sirius.

Marlene blinked at him tearfully,

"Really? You don't talk about it?"

"Not since Regulus died."

"Oh, of course," she nodded, softly, then wiped her eyes with her wrists, "Sometimes I feel like it's all me and Yaz talk about; it's exhausting. God, I can't take all this death - all this misery. Do you know what Mary said to me the other day? She's thinking of bowing out, giving up."

"On the war?!" Remus stared, alarmed.

"No," Marlene shook her head, " Everything - the wizarding world. She said she'd rather just take her chances as a muggle with no education. Of course I know she didn't mean it, but I understand where she's coming from. We've been fighting and fighting, doing everything we can and it's just not enough, is it? They're winning."

"You can't think like that." Remus said. He really didn't want to hear this - it was awful to listen to someone he admired being so pessimistic. She was saying exactly the things that kept him up at night.

"I know, I know, we've got to keep trying, no matter what." Marlene said, still crying quietly, "But it's taking everything I have, Remus. All I do - all any of us do is work and fight. What if… what if the war ends, and there's nothing left of me? What if I can't remember how to be happy?"

"That's bollocks," Remus shook his head vehemently, "Of course you know how to be happy!"

He went over to give her a hug. Marlene was almost as tall as he was, and her fair hair tickled his cheek.

"I'm being silly," she sniffed, over his shoulder, "Just over-tired. The nights are drawing in, it makes me gloomy."

"I don't think you're being silly," Remus said as they pulled apart, "And you know you have so many friends to talk to when you feel gloomy."

"I know," she smiled, cheeks blotchy. "Thanks, Remus."

"Cup of tea?"

"No, I ought to get home - Yaz is stuck listening to stories of Danny's glory days with the Cannons, otherwise."

"Ha, go and rescue her then," Remus grinned. He wanted to ask how Danny was - but he didn't dare. They hadn't spoken properly in a year - another thing that would have to wait until the end of the war.

Marlene said goodbye and left through the fireplace in a blaze of green flames. Remus tidied up a bit, then went to wash the ink off his hands. It had got under his fingernails and turned them black, which made him think about Livia again. He'd become extremely enthusiastic about hygiene ever since he came back from the werewolves.

He looked out of the living room window, which was fogged up with the early winter chill. Street lamps were flickering on, glowing yellow in the blue twilight - except the one outside their window, which was faulty and stayed pinkish-red all night. With Marlene gone, Remus was gripped with a terrible aching loneliness. He fetched his scarf and jacket and headed out the door.

The garage door was open as he approached from the dark alleyway, light pouring out onto the uneven cracked pavement. As he got closer, he could hear the radio playing softly - a Stranglers song; "And it sounds like an empty house, standing still..."

Sirius was singing along, under his breath, like he was concentrating hard. When Remus was finally at the threshold he found Sirius cross-legged on the floor in front of his bike, wand behind one ear, spanner in hand. The garage was conspicuously warm, for winter, but Remus couldn't see where he'd cast the heat charm. Perhaps on the floor itself.

"Hello," he said. Sirius looked up, surprised.

"Hello, what are you doing here?"

"Marlene left," Remus shrugged, "Thought I'd just pop down and see what you're up to."

"Same old. Just tinkering." Sirius said.

"Oh, ok."

"...sit down for a bit, if you like. I'm nearly finished." Sirius gestured to a stool in the corner of the garage.

"Only if I'm not in your way."

"Don't be silly," Sirius flashed him a smile, and Remus sat.

He watched Sirius working for a while, fascinated. Remus knew nothing about mechanics - muggle or magic - and it made him feel weirdly proud that Sirius was clearly so skilled. He liked that feeling.

"How are you?" He asked, thinking of the conversation with Marlene.

"Eh? Fine." Sirius didn't look up, wand between his teeth now as he fiddled with the engine.

"No, I mean really." Remus pushed, "Are you ok? Just in general? Don't feel like I've asked much lately."

Sirius looked at him, and set down his wand.

"I'm fine, Remus," he said, "Don't worry."

"But I love worrying," Remus poked his tongue out.

Sirius grunted with laughter and returned to his work, "How are you?" He asked.

"Good." Remus nodded, before re-thinking, "Well, you know. As good as it's possible to be, right now."

"Mm. Do you fancy a takeaway for dinner? I don't want to cook."

"Yeah, ok." Remus agreed. He waited quietly. There was a stack of boxes to his left. All of Sirius's things were packed into big mahogany trunks with scorch marks where he'd burnt the Black family crest off. But the boxes next to Remus were cardboard and held together with brown muggle tape.

"What are these?" He asked, picking at the tape. Sirius looked up, wiping his hands on an old dishcloth,

"Oh… those are the boxes from Gethin."

"What?" Remus stood up to get a better look. Sirius bit his lip, looking nervous.

"I know you said to get rid of the stuff your mum left you, but… well you weren't in any state to talk about it after the funeral, and I couldn't bear the thought of you regretting it. So James and I went to collect them, and I've just had it all here."

"I can't believe you," Remus said, stunned. Sirius climbed to his feet hurriedly,

"Moony, I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be a secret or anything, I swear! It's just that after your mum passed away it was one disaster after the other, so it sort of slipped my mind… and you can still get rid of them, if you want to, I haven't looked!"

"Sirius," Remus shook his head, smiling, "I mean I can't believe you. You're amazing. Thank you."

"Oh." Sirius smiled too, scratching behind his ear bashfully, "That's good. Because you had so little time with her, I thought you'd want something to remember her by. Do you want to look now?"

Remus thought about it. Shook his head.

"Not just yet. Maybe on a rainy day."

He helped Sirius collect everything up, and they walked back to the flat, stopping at the pie shop on the way. Sirius liked chicken and mushroom, Remus preferred steak and onion. He carried the paper bag, to be gallant.

"Seriously," He said, as they climbed the stairs to the flat, "Thank you so much for the boxes. I'd have forgotten all about them."

"S'ok," Sirius shrugged, "I know if I had anything of Reg's…" he stopped abruptly.

Remus didn't know what to say, so he kept quiet as Sirius unlocked the door and entered the flat, switching the lights on and complaining, "Bloody hell, Moony, it's freezing in here!"

"Sorry!" He tended to run hot, even in winter, and didn't turn the heating on if he was the only one in the flat. He felt very stupid now, remembering that Marlene had kept her gloves on the whole time she'd been there and it hadn't even occurred to him to ask why.

Sirius lit a fire, and Remus went to get plates for their dinner. They sat on the couch, leaning shoulder to shoulder and listening to the new album by The Police, which Andromeda had sent for Sirius's birthday.

When they'd finished eating, Sirius rested his head on Remus's shoulder and closed his eyes, settling in. Remus sent the plates to the kitchen and raised his arm for Sirius to fit under. Warm, well fed and relaxed, he could have fallen asleep just like that.

"How's Marls?" Sirius murmured after a little while.

"Yeah, fine. A bit down."

"Down?"

"She's just having a hard time with the war." Remus felt butterflies in his stomach, but continued bravely, "I think we all are, aren't we?"

Sirius was quiet for a bit, and Remus couldn't see his face, only the top of his head, but he knew he was thinking. Finally, he whispered,

"Yeah. We are."

Friday 21st December 1979

It wasn't exactly a breakthrough - they still didn't talk about the war any more than they really needed to - but it felt good enough at the time. And while it felt cathartic to admit that they were both struggling, there was nothing that could be done to improve things. People were still dying, the death eaters were still gaining power, Sirius and James were still super heroes.

As Christmas approached, no one felt very merry. They would not be spending the day at the Potters' this year - in early December both of James's parents were admitted to St Mungo's. They'd contracted dragon pox, which was so contagious it meant that just visiting them was a mission in itself.

When Sirius heard the diagnosis he locked himself in the bathroom for two hours. Remus did a bit of research and found out why - elderly people rarely survived the disease. So that became another thing they didn't talk about.

James practically lived at the hospital, when he wasn't meeting with Moody or on an assignment somewhere. Lily told Remus that he'd had to pick up a lot of Fleamont's work, and that he was up until the small hours every night working in his father's study.

"I wish I could help him," she said mournfully, "He's not ready to lose them yet, it's too cruel."

Remus agreed. In what sort of a world could people like Voldemort and Greyback live while Mr and Mrs Potter died?

Remus didn't realise how dark things had become until late December, when he got an unexpected phone call.

Sirius was out - he and James had been sent to West Cork to follow up on some reports of a black magic ritual taking place. Remus had been alone all day, trying to distract himself as each minute crawled by with no news. Sirius had left him his compact mirror, in case anything happened, and Remus had spent the past hour staring at it.

When the phone rang he practically jumped out of his skin, then leapt to answer it.

"Hello?!" Logically he knew it couldn't be bad news - wizards never used phones if they could help it - but his voice shook all the same.

"'Ello!" A voice boomed - it was so cheerful it couldn't possibly be anyone Remus knew. Must be a wrong number.

"Hello?" Remus frowned, "I'm sorry, I think you have--"

"--Reeeeemus!" Grant sang down the phone. He sounded drunk, and there was a lot of noise behind him, "Come down to the Sawyer's Arms!"

"Where's that?"

"Bloomsbury! Come onnnn! We're all celebrating!"

"Celebrating? What? With who?"

"My mates!"

Remus felt a sinking feeling.

"...ok, give me an hour."

"Weeeeeey!" Grant hung up abruptly.

Remus got up to change his clothes.

He didn't want to go. Not where there were muggles. Not where there were people , but Grant was definitely drunk, and the last time Remus had seen him drunk he had needed help. He sounded perky enough on the phone, but Remus wanted to be sure. Besides. He needed a distraction; he couldn't sit about in the flat all evening.

He shoved the mirror in his jeans pocket, pulled on a jumper, then his coat and scarf, and headed out into the wintry London streets. He got the tube to Holborn; the streets were too busy with Christmas revellers to apparate safely, and he wanted to take a convincing amount of time to arrive.

The Sawyer's Arms was a proper old man's pub; thick red and yellow carpet, etched glass windows, grimy brass fixtures. It was foggy inside with cigarette smoke, but Remus managed to track Grant down without much bother - he was sitting in a large corner booth, surrounded by a group of young people who looked about their age. Ah, Remus realised - they were students .

"Reeee-musssss!" Grant cheered, raising both arms in greeting as Remus entered the pub. "You caaaaame!"

"Sorry I'm late," Remus said, shyly. The people sitting at Grant's table all looked friendly enough, but they were still strangers.

"Lads," Grant slurred loudly, addressing the group of men and women, "This is Remusss, my very oldest friend. 'E went to a posh private school an' evvvry-fin'. Dead clever."

Remus waved awkwardly at everyone, then turned to Grant, "I see you've been celebrating."

"Too bloody right! 'Ere, got you a pint." He pushed a glass across the table, and it slid a bit fast, the table slick with spilled beer. Remus darted forward to grab the drink before it flew off the edge.

"Thanks," he raised it slightly, then drank. Ah. It had been a while since he'd been in a pub. The lager went down very smoothly.

"We're celebratin'!" Grant said, beaming at him, "End of exams, innit!"

"Oh, congratulations," Remus smiled, pulling up a stool and perching on the end of the table. "What do you all study?"

They went around introducing themselves - Remus was never going to remember everyone's name - Suzie was doing Accountancy - she was a small, mousy girl with huge round glasses and a pimple on the end of her nose. Rajesh wanted to study Engineering at Kings, but he needed to get a better Maths result first, Tim - a tall, blokey man in a rugby shirt - was doing social studies. Martine was Tim's girlfriend, studying for her nursing qualification. They were all pretty tipsy, but Grant was drunkest of all.

Remus introduced himself as best he could - he told them he was studying ancient languages, because he was actually very good at Runes, and rarely got the opportunity to show off about it. He needn't have worried about Grant - these new friends were a world away from the sort he'd been mixing with a few years ago.

The drinks kept coming, too. Remus tried to be polite, and turn down each round, but it was no good - everyone was in a Christmas mood. Three beers in, so was Remus. The pub music alternated between Slade, Wizard, Cliff Richards and Shakin' Stevens, there was tinsel hanging from the sconces on the walls, and even the barmen were wearing party hats. Remus had half forgotten about the season - there was no time for this sort of fun any more.

At about half-eight he heard a voice in his pocket, and hurried into the gent's to check the mirror. It was Sirius.

"All's well," he said, looking very ruffled, black smudges streaking his face, "Both ended up covered in ash, though - don't ask - going to wash off at Prongs' then have something to eat - be a while yet."

"As long as you're ok!" Remus said, earnestly.

"Yeah, we're fine," Sirius nodded gravely. Then he frowned, peering up at Remus through the mirror. "Where are you? At home?"

"Pub." Remus said, guiltily.

"With Mary?"

"No, with… um. With Grant. He's celebrating the end of exams."

"Oh, celebrating." Sirius's face turned stony.

"I got invited out, that's all." Remus said, "I was going mad in the flat by myself."

"Ok, Moony," Sirius gave him an odd look, "Have fun."

"I can come to Prongs' if you wan--" Remus started, but Sirius's face had gone.

Remus left the loo's and ordered a round for everyone. He didn't have any money, so he cast a glamour on a scrap of paper he found in his pocket, and the barman thought it was a twenty pound note - he even gave Remus change.

If Sirius was allowed to stay at James's and have a nice dinner and take his sweet time getting home, then Remus didn't see why he shouldn't be allowed to get steaming drunk in the pub with a bunch of muggles.

They stayed for a few more hours, talking about TV and music and clothes and films, and other gloriously mundane muggle things. Eventually, one by one, the others said their goodbyes and left.

Suzie was the last to get up. She whispered to Remus, "Will you make sure he gets home ok?" Nodding at Grant, who had fallen under the table looking for his bus pass, and was now sitting on the floor giggling to himself.

"Yeah, no worries," Remus nodded, feeling a bit giggly himself.

"Merry Christmas, Remus, it was lovely to meet you," she smiled, pulling on her coat.

"Yeah, you too."

Once she'd left, Remus knocked back the dregs of his pint and decided that would be it. "Oi," he gave a gentle kick under the table, "C'mon, you, time to go."

"Nah, let's stay out!"

"How many have you had?" Remus asked, hands on his hips. He was feeling pretty tipsy, and Remus's tolerance was higher than most.

"A few," Grant said, pulling himself up, shaking the whole table. Remus got a hand under his elbow to steady him, and began to guide him towards the doors.

"Where are you living these days?"

"You know where," Grant hiccupped, "Brighton."

"Brighton?!"

"Yeah, s'fine, just stick me on the last train."

"No," Remus said, "You'll get arrested or something. Come on, you can kip on my couch."

"Awww," Grant grinned.

They staggered onto the tube together, and at Leicester Square the escalator was switched off, so they had to climb it, and were breathless by the time they reached ground level.

"I need a fag," Remus gasped, patting his pockets for his cigarette case.

His fingers brushed against the compact mirror instead, and he felt a quiet twinge of dread as he wondered whether Sirius was home. Not that anything untoward was going on - he just didn't want to start the fight that was brewing just yet.

Giving up on the cigarette, he steered Grant towards Chinatown. The streets were still quite busy, light and laughter spilling out from the soho bars and sleazy picturehouses.

"Whaddidya think of Tim?" Grant slurred, leaning heavily against Remus, "Reckon I'm in wiv a chance?"

"I thought he was seeing Martine?"

"Pffft."

"He's er… very tall?"

"'E's strong," Grant said, decisively, "Like me a strong bloke. S'how I know you an' me'd never work out."

"Oi!" Remus took umbrage, "I'm stronger than I look!"

Grant scoffed at him, laughing, and Remus was drunk enough to take this as a challenge to his manhood. He didn't often go in for displays of masculine bravado, but maybe the beer was having some influence. Acting quickly, and barely thinking, he bent and grabbed Grant around the legs, lifting him up and hauling him over his shoulder.

Grant was yelping and spluttering with laughter as Remus jogged with him a good few yards,

"Put me down!" He shrieked, "You've proved your point, you're very strong!"

"That's all I needed to hear," Remus smirked, stopping to set Grant down, carefully. Still unsteady on his feet, Grant grasped Remus's shoulder for support, choking laughter and grinning madly.

"Ooo-ooooh, what's this then?" A nasty, sneering voice came from behind them.

Grant stiffened, and his back straightened; he stared forward and lowered his head, making to ignore the danger brewing, but Remus was a bit pissed, and couldn't help looking back.

Three men were approaching, their faces were cast into shadow by the unreliable streetlights and tall buildings, but their body language could not be misread; the rounded shoulders, balled up fists and wide gait. Masculine bravado.

"Ignore them," Grant breathed, his lips barely moving, "Come on, quick."

But Remus had never been very good at running away from a threat.

"Can I help you?"

The men sniggered meanly, still advancing. One spoke to another, as if Grant and Remus were deaf - or just not worth addressing at all.

"Looks like a couple'a nancy boys to me, couple'a dirty queers out looking for trouble."

"If they're looking for trouble," another said, "I know where they can get it." He slammed his fist into his open hand, as if to demonstrate.

"Remus…" Grant hissed, tugging on his coat, "Come on !"

Remus ignored him. He faced the three men, and raised his chin. Using his very politest private-school voice, he said,

"Move along, gentlemen, before I do something you'll regret."

The men crowed with laughter, and did not move alone. Remus was glad. His lips curled, he shifted position, legs apart, and stared them down. With a slight turn of his wrist, they froze to the spot. It took them a second to realise what had happened, their gormless faces now visible in the red light of a neon 'SEXXX' sign flashing in the shop window next to them.

They stared at each other, tried to move their legs, but were fixed in place, as if they'd stepped into quick-setting concrete.

"What the fuck?!" One of them grunted angrily.

"Don't be scared, boys," Remus grinned, rather enjoying himself, "I don't bite. Often."

"I'm gonna fucking batter ya, yer poof!" One of the men yelled, "I'm gonna beat the piss out of ya!"

That gave Remus an excellent idea. He snapped his fingers quickly, and watched the men's faces. One by one, a look of horror crossed each of them, and Remus caught the scent moments before their jeans began to visibly darken.

"Poor loves," Remus chuckled. Even Grant stopped tugging his sleeve, then, and stared in disbelief.

"Have you pissed yourselves?!"

The three humiliated men started shouting insults then - each one worse than the last, but it didn't matter. Remus and Grant were both practically hysterical.

"Come on," Remus said, slinging an arm around Grant's shoulder, "Let's go."

He did not release them until they were two streets away, locked inside the flat.

It was hugely risky, doing magic on a busy street in central London in front of muggles. But remus couldn't work himself up to feel guilty about it; he was jubilant. It didn't seem like Grant understood what had happened - he was pretty drunk, and mostly just relieved to be safe, so Remus thought he'd got away with it. Back in the flat he cracked out the whisky to toast his own success - this was met with roaring approval from Grant.

Sirius wasn't back yet, and Remus decided not to care about that, either. Most likely he'd decided to stay at the Potters' for the night. Remus dug out some blankets and pillows to make up a bed on the couch for Grant, and then they settled in for another few hours of drinking and smoking and laughing. Time began to warp; stretching and contracting the more intoxicated Remus grew.

It must have been almost two in the morning when they hit the bottom of the bottle. Remus ran his finger around the bottom of his glass tumbler, then sucked it.

"Ungh." Grant whined from the sofa, "Gotta give up the booze. New year's resolution."

"Ha." Remus barked, slouching down in his armchair, rolling a cigarette.

"Remusss?" Grant asked, dopily, his head lolling over the arm of the couch, blonde curls tumbling back from his upside-down face.

"Yeah?" Remus slurred in response.

"Can I ask you summink?"

"Yeah."

"'ave you got a plan?"

"A plan?" Remus frowned, confused and bleary.

"For what you're gonna do wiv your life, y'know."

"Oh." Remus scratched his head, arms slow and heavy. "I dunno. You?"

"Dunno." Grant sighed. "Been thinking. Maybe I wanna just find a girl or summink. Get married."

"Get married ?!" Remus choked. "Christ, you're pissed."

"It might not be awful!" Grant defended himself, "Don't mind spending time wiv girls. They can be fun."

"Yeah, but… y'know, if you got married you'd be expected to..." Remus gestured delicately. Grant snorted.

"She might not wanna do it much. Anyway, might not hate it. Never given it a try, 'ave I?"

Remus put his fag between his teeth, thoughtfully. "I did, once."

"Oh yeah?" Grant sat up interested, "And?"

"It was ok." He shrugged, lighting up. "Not much to say about it really. Mostly just embarrassing. But we're still friends and stuff."

"Can't be that bad then." Grant sighed, leaning back once more. He looked sad, and Remus wished he knew how to cheer him up. Grant reached his hand out towards Remus, who sighed and handed him the newly lit cigarette. He began to roll another.

Grant sighed, rolling his head back and blowing plumes of smoke up at the ceiling. "They just always let me down, that's all. Men."

"Not always," Remus said, not liking the melancholy turn things were taking.

"No," Grant replied wistfully, glancing up, meeting Remus's eye, "No, I s'pose you never did."

Remus felt a flutter of warm pleasure at that - though maybe it was because he was just so drunk. Grant was still staring at him intensely, and smiling a bit now. Something passed between them. A very small thing; but something.

The door opened and Sirius entered, bringing the winter chill in with him. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Grant, who scrambled to sit up right.

"...hello." Sirius said, eyes darting back and forth cautiously. Remus never had guests over - let alone muggles.

"Hiya mate!" Grant stood up quickly, extending a hand across the coffee table, the empty whisky bottle on top. Sirius shook it, politely.

"Grant's celebrating the end of his exams," Remus explained, feeling guilty but not sure why.

"Oh, congratulations," Sirius nodded, his expression guarded.

"Cheers!" Grant grinned, "'ave a drink? Oh bugger, we've 'ad it all..."

"It's fine." Sirius folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow, putting on his bored aristocrat routine. "I'm going to bed."

He didn't give Remus so much as a second glance, just walked though the living room, down the hall to the bedroom.

"'Ave I got you in trouble?" Grant whispered. Remus shook his head,

"He's just tired. I'd better…"

"Oh yeah, 'course. I'm knackered, anyway - thanks again for letting me stay."

"Any time." Remus smiled, meaning it, "Thanks for inviting me out. I really needed it." He patted Grant's shoulder as he left.

Sirius was undressing. He ignored Remus, who closed the door quietly behind himself and sat on the end of the bed.

"How did the mission go?" He asked, gently, "Is James--"

"A muggle in the flat, Remus?!" Sirius snapped, "Did you even think about the danger?!"

"What danger?" Remus frowned, confused.

"There's a war on! This place is supposed to be a safe house, it's supposed to be locked down tighter than Gringotts!"

"Funny." Remus said, flatly, "I thought it was supposed to be our home."

Sirius didn't respond, just glowered, tying the string on his pyjama bottoms. Remus rubbed the back of his neck, sighing, "Look, he lives in Brighton; I couldn't have just abandoned him at a train station, he was plastered." Remus tried to explain.

"So the solution was to get even more plastered?" Sirius shot back.

" Sonoro Quiescis ." Remus said, casting a silencing charm on the bedroom - the first time they'd needed it since Hogwarts. "If you want a fight," he said, stretching his arms out invitingly, "Let's go, I'm more than happy to oblige."

"I don't want to fight, I want to sleep." Sirius said.

"Ok, fine." Remus shrugged. He pulled off his jumper, t-shirt coming with it, and began changing for bed too. Sirius got in under the duvet and watched him, still scowling. He definitely did want a fight.

"Can't believe you just went out to get pissed."

"It's Christmas." Remus muttered, "Sorry if I wanted to squeeze a tiny bit of joy out of the season."

"You couldn't wait, could you? The second I left the house you had to--"

"You're always leaving! Am I supposed to sit around worrying myself sick all night?! I still exist when you're not here, you know, I still need to talk to people sometimes."

"Ha!" Sirius scoffed, " You want someone to pour your heart out to, all of a sudden? That's rich."

"Go fuck yourself!" Remus yelled at the top of his voice.

"Go and fuck your muggle! That's obviously what he's here for!" Sirius shot back. Remus reeled as if he'd been struck. He stared at Sirius, and saw the hurt in his eyes. Was this all just boring old run-of-the-mill jealousy?

Remus forced himself to relax, to lower his shoulders and unclench his jaw. He closed his eyes, breathing in.

"Grant's on the couch because he's my friend and I didn't want any harm to come to him." He said, very steadily. "And I'm in here with you, because there's nobody else I'd rather be in a room with. Even when you're being a massive tosser."

Sirius's lips pursed, then relaxed. He looked very much like he wanted to keep arguing, but had nothing left to say. In the end he just slumped back in the bed, arms folded, and said to the ceiling,

" You're a massive tosser."

Remus laughed, finished changing, and climbed onto the bed, crawling towards Sirius.

"I'm your massive tosser." He reached up for the edge of the duvet and pulled it down, peeling it back from Sirius's body. Sirius allowed it, watching Remus, who started to untangle the knot of string on Sirius's pyjama bottoms. He pulled those down next, and licked his lips. "Let me make it up to you?"

Sirius bit his lip, nodded, then arched his back, and they didn't speak again for hours.

In the morning, Grant had gone.

Chapter End Notes

Songs:
- I Wanna Be Straight - Ian Drury & The Blockheads (one of my fave songs atm - 'straight' as in mending your ways/going legit, rather than heterosexual.)
- Duchess - The Stranglers (the song Sirius is singing to himself in the garage - also headcanon this as Mary's theme song lol)

British-isms
- Tube - the London Underground transport system. Sirius and Remus live in Chinatown/Soho, so their nearest station in Leicester Square.
- Old man's pub - the kind of pub old men go to. Actually that one's hard to explain unless you've been out drinking in the UK.
- Everything Grant says - I kind of write his speech phonetically, and he has a strong London accent (mostly dropping h's/turning 'th' sounds into 'v' sounds), so let me know if it's just impossible to understand and I'll soften it.

The War: Spring & Summer 1980

Chapter Summary

Sad endings and happy beginnings.

CW death of parents

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

You know I'm born to lose,

and gambling's for fools.

But that's the way I like it baby

I don't wanna live forever

That January, just over a year after his mother's funeral, Remus attended another memorial service - this time for Fleamont and Euphemia Potter.

They passed away within hours of each other in the final bleak days of December. Their loss was felt immensely, and not only by the members of the Order. The Potter mansion was full for weeks with visitors, mourners and old friends, and every one of them had a story of some kindness James's parents had performed.

"Euphemia always said I could ask her anything when I saw her at St Mungo's." Marlene sobbed, "She was such a brilliant healer, I wish I'd known her longer."

"They were so kind to us after we eloped," Andromeda said, holding Ted's hand and bouncing her daughter on her hip, "Checked in on us all the time, made sure we never struggled for anything… I just can't believe they're gone…"

"If our home is even half as welcoming as theirs, I'll be proud." Arthur Weasley added, cleaning his glasses, which had grown misty.

"The very best of wizard kind," Dumbledore intoned in the speech he gave at the service. "A beacon of understanding, tolerance, good humour and community - all those values we hold most dear."

"Sort of fitting to have them go at Christmas," one wizened old crone said at the wake, "Always loved coming to the Potters' boxing day party."

"I'll miss Effie's mince pies!" An old man added.

"I'll miss Monty's home brew!" Another cackled. A smatter of fond laughter, followed by tender silence as everyone recalled the Potters' limitless hospitality.

Remus kept his own memories of the Potters to himself, because he felt he had the least claim on them. Still, he would never forget that it was they who had taken him in when he'd found himself homeless at seventeen, and they who had helped him locate his mother.

In a way it was different from the earlier deaths in the Order, because the Potters had died at an advanced age, and they hadn't been murdered - so there was more room for happy memories.

It still didn't feel very fair. Time is meaningless, when it comes to the people you love, Remus reflected. Eleven months had not been enough time with Hope - and twenty years had probably not been enough for James.

Sirius, Peter and Remus silently made the decision to pull together for James. He had been the source of the marauders' strength ever since they were children; had selflessly defended or supported each of them at one time or another, and there was no question that they return the favour now, in his darkest hour.

They took up the task of greeting as many of the droppers-by as possible, and keeping them away from James, who had quite enough to deal with. For a solid two weeks, the three of them spent their days accepting bunches of flowers and pots of home cooking (which was useful, because Gully the house elf had been inconsolable, and spent his time curled up under the aga sobbing and drinking butterbeer). Lily handled everything financial or legal - Remus couldn't help but admire how quickly she took to wizard property law - while Alice and Molly helped her manage the house and pack up the things which needed to be packed up.

It was grimly fitting that 1980 began with death. Years later, it would mark a turning point in the war for Remus; as if losing the Potters had shaken the very foundations of reality. After their funeral less and less things began to make sense. Things he had once felt sure of became uncertain, and the - already small - circle of people he trusted and loved began to shrink further.

For the rest of January, Sirius and Remus passed each other like ships in the night - one would be up late, the other awake with the dawn for some mission or other. They were both determined to make up the slack for James, and it kept them busier than ever. One or both of them might sleep at the Potters one night, or else stay with someone else in the order, for safety's sake.

Mourning Fleamont and Euphemia on top of all that meant that the short hours they did spend together were filled with silence.

Sirius had cried, the day the found out. They both had, but the pain was more raw for Sirius,

"It's not fair! It's not fair!" He repeated over and over, eyes wild and desperate.

Remus carefully put his own grief aside in order to be the stronger one, and found that things were easier when he focussed his attention on helping Sirius.

It was very hard work, and for a while it seemed there would be nothing at all to feel happy about again. Their only piece of good news came completely out of the blue (as good news generally does) one Sunday in early February.

Sirius was out with James - not on a mission, for once. As boys, James and Sirius had crawled into each others beds whenever one of them was unhappy. As men, they spent long afternoons rocketing around the countryside on Sirius's motorbike. Remus was not jealous - if anything it was a relief that he didn't have to go.

He was spending the afternoon studying counter curses, which at least made him feel like he was doing something useful. He'd just decided to have a quick break and make himself a pot of tea when an owl pecked on the kitchen window. It bore a note from Lily; ' Can you pop over before five? I'll cook dinner. ' And of course he got ready to leave at once. It was a good thing too - his own supper plans were beans on toast, which he'd already had three times that week.

It was very cold still, the frost hung around for weeks that February, and spring took a lifetime to arrive. Remus was grateful to be able to simply step through the fireplace in their flat and instantly appear in the Potters' living room without having to go outside. He hoped Sirius was wrapped up properly; wind chill was no joke at the speeds he drove.

"I'm here!" Remus called, brushing soot and floo power off his shabby robes.

Hieronymus the cat mewed angrily at him - he had disturbed the warm spot on the rug.

"Kitchen!" Lily called back.

Remus wandered through. The house felt empty, and had for weeks now, but the kitchen was as warm and comforting as it had ever been. Lily was sitting at the broad oak table, pouring over a recipe book, her wand holding her hair up in a messy bun. There was a self stirring pot on the stovetop, and something delicious smelling in the oven.

"Hello gorgeous," she grinned, looking up at him.

"Hiya," he waved, "Can I help with anything?"

"Knives and forks would be great," she nodded at the dresser against the wall. "We'll eat in here, I think, it's cosier."

"Just the two of us?" He asked, going to pull out the cutlery.

"Five," she shook her head, "Peter's due in a minute, and the boys shouldn't be too much longer… well, depending on Sirius."

"Eh?" Remus frowned, the note hadn't mentioned Sirius. Lily was blushing.

"Er… so I asked you here because I have something to tell you…"

Remus's hands began to shake, and he dropped the butterknife he'd been holding. No news was ever good, these days, and he'd developed a bit of a paranoia around announcements.

"It's good!" Lily said, quickly, seeing the look on his face, "I promise! It's just that, er… we thought it might be best, James thought it might be best, if he told Sirius on his own, you know, one on one… after what happened last time…"

"Last time?" Remus frowned. They couldn't be getting married again, surely. "You're not splitting up?!"

"Remus, I said a good thing!" Lily laughed, lightly. "Honestly, you always think the worst…"

She stood up, clearing her books from the table. Remus took a good look at her. She was a bit thicker around the hips - not that he'd ever say such a thing to one of his oldest and best friends. And anyway, it suited her, she was still uncommonly pretty, in his opinion. But she smelled slightly different, too.

He blinked, and shook his head, slamming the cutlery drawer shut so hard it rattled, and Lily jumped.

"You're pregnant!"

She blushed harder, and nodded, face stretched into the broadest smile Remus had seen on anyone in months. Lost for words, he hurried around the table to hug her, "Amazing!" He choked, suddenly very emotional, "Brilliant! Oh my god, Lily!"

"I know!" She squealed, "Due in July! You've no idea how hard it's been to stay quiet!"

Remus stepped back to give her room, and wiped his eyes.

"Not because of Sirius?"

"Not just that…" she conceded, "We wanted a proper mourning period… Euphemia and Fleamont knew, of course. It was heartbreaking telling them. But I have to admit, I am slightly concerned about how Sirius will take it…"

"If he says anything other than congratulations I'll box his ears!" Remus said, fiercely. Lily laughed,

"You'll have to get in the queue behind me and James."

Remus laughed, still wiping his eyes, and went to lay the table. No sooner had he set down the last plate, than a rumbling roar could be heard in the distance, getting closer. Lily looked up at him and bit her lip. He just smiled at her,

"It'll be fine."

Sirius had been parking his bike on the back patio. Remus often wondered what Euphemia might make of that - but of course she could never refuse her blue eyed boy anything, and would have forgiven the muddy tire marks in her lawn with motherly indulgence.

The patio doors rattled open, and Sirius strode in, hair still windswept from flying, nose and cheeks pink from the cold. He was smiling, smiling so wide that Remus's heart skipped a beat, and he felt that old schoolboy crush resurface in him.

"Mrs Prongs!" Sirius went straight for Lily, arms wide, and enveloped her, kissing the top of her head, "Bloody brilliant!"

Remus sighed with relief, and went to shake hands with James, who'd come in behind Sirius, hair and scarf flying, wind-burned face glowing like a beacon of joy.

"A kid!" Was all Remus could think to say, "You're having a fucking kid!"

James laughed, gripping his hand,

"Too bloody right, Moony."

"Sit down!" Sirius pulled out a chair for Lily, ushering her into it, "Merlin, Moony, what sort of gentleman are you, letting Lily do all the work in her condition?!"

"Oi," Remus scowled, "I laid the table..."

"Honestly, I'm fine," Lily giggled, "But if you boys want to serve dinner, be my guest. Lamb's in the oven, James, it should be done by now."

So the three of them bustled around the kitchen, making quite a bit more noise and mess than was probably necessary. Sirius began whistling 'Kooks', James cracked out a bottle of champagne to toast (with butterbeer for Lily) and Remus just grinned until his cheeks hurt, watching his friends be happy together.

Then Peter arrived, and it began all over again, their happiness multiplying as they sat down to a perfect family dinner. It was just what everyone needed.

"How did it even happen?!" Peter exclaimed, mopping up gravy with his last yorkshire pudding.

"Well, Wormtail," Sirius smirked, "When a witch and a wizard love eachother very much…"

"Shuddup," Peter laughed, kicking him under the table, "You know what I meant…"

"It just happened," James shrugged, "We might have got a little bit careless around Halloween…"

"James!" Lily slapped his arm lightly with the back of her hand, "No need for detail, I'm sure Moony doesn't want to hear all that."

"Why me?" Remus furrowed his brow,

"Oh well… you know, I just know you prefer to be discreet about… um…" Lily fumbled for words. Remus folded his arms, staring at them all with mock-indignation.

"You all think I'm a prude!"

They all burst out laughing, and Sirius patted him on the shoulder affectionately,

"Don't worry, Moony - they just don't know you like I know you."

"What's that supposed to mean--" Peter started, but Remus - seeing where the conversation was heading - quickly intervened,

"Have you got any ideas for a name, yet?"

"No, not really," Lily said, still chuckling, "A family name would be nice, but--"

"Whatever you do," Sirius said, "Call the poor kid something normal . No constellations, for godric's sake."

"I'll drink to that," Remus raised his glass sand drained it. It was his third, but he didn't think anyone had noticed, and besides, they were celebrating.

"When will you know what it is?" Peter asked

"We're not calling it Peter," James teased him.

"Bagsy godfather!" Sirius shouted.

"You can't bagsy godfather!" Peter said, outraged,

"Just did," Sirius poked his tongue out.

And so, as per usual, it was James and Lily who managed to bring everyone out of that gloomy winter slog, just in time for spring. The marauders and their friends faced the rest of their year with fresh eyes and renewed purpose. Because fighting a war was one thing - but fighting for the Potters' future child made every challenge seem more worthwhile.

What was more, they weren't the only ones celebrating good news. Arthur and Molly welcomed yet another red haired son that March, and Alice announced that she and Frank were also expecting in the summer.

"Imagine that!" Mary said, clearing away tea cups and mugs of coffee left behind from an Order meeting, "Their kids are all going to grow up together, and go to Hogwarts together… it's sort of nice, isn't it?"

Remus nodded in agreement. He would have given anything to be raised by any one of these people; to have a childhood surrounded by magic and love and laughter.

He had never given much thought to children before - his own childhood had been such a disaster he didn't think he was fit to be a parent. But watching James and Lily do it; that actually sounded pretty nice.

Of course, Remus's enthusiasm for 'Baby Prongs' paled in comparison to Sirius's overwhelming excitement.

"It's going to be so much fun, Moony!" he babbled, coming in one May afternoon from another spur of the moment shopping trip, "Imagine them all on brooms! The Order of the Phoenix Quidditch team!"

"Er… how old do you need to be to ride a broom?" Remus asked, eyeing his packages nervously. None of them looked broom-shaped, but you never knew with Sirius.

"These are mostly books and clothes," Sirius reassured him, laughing lightly, "And some toys, just little things…"

"This kid is going to be so spoilt…" Remus tutted.

"Good," Sirius poked his tongue out. "Doesn't do anyone any good to be brought up joyless, does it, Moony?" He raised an eyebrow and Remus ducked his head, ashamed, and he never chastised Sirius about it again.

In June, after the full moon, Remus was invited for another meeting with Moody and Ferox. A year older and wiser, he requested not to meet them at the Auror's office this time. They agreed - they didn't have much choice. Remus had grown very flippant about his role as unofficial werewolf liaison officer, and it probably showed. At least Moody didn't boss him around much any more.

They met in a small working man's pub just outside of Derby. Remus arrived first and got himself a pint, then sat down with a newspaper he'd picked up at the train station. He took out the page with the crossword on it and folded it up neatly into his breast pocket. Sirius liked doing crosswords.

He chose a seat in the back on the pub, because it was quiet, but also because the seat was a high backed wooden pew, which was good for his back. He was hurting after the last moon, still, and tried to sit straight.

Ferox got there a few minutes later.

"Alright there, our Kev?" He nodded, sitting down on the three legged stool opposite Remus.

They had all received instructions to start using fake names when out on Order business, in case anyone listened in. Remus wasn't overly fond of 'Kevin', but he had to admit it was probably better than his own ridiculous name. When the marauders first heard about the codenames they'd wanted to use Paul, John, George and Ringo, but Moody told them it was too obvious.

"Hello, Norman." Remus nodded at Ferox.

"Mr Thompson won't be long."

"Good. Get you a drink?"

"Nah, on duty."

Remus shrugged and took a glug of his own beer. Ferox watched him with a level expression. "So," his old teacher asked, "How's tricks?"

"Oh, you know," Remus shrugged again, "We're all just doing what we can."

"Hear you've been busy - got a knack for security, eh?"

"Yeah, I've been helping out Alice--er… Steffi. Sorry."

Ferox laughed gruffly at Remus's blunder,

"Don't worry about it. It's all bollocks anyway. Still, security's a good talent to have , eh? Something you might fancy doing for the ministry, maybe? After all this is over?"

"Security alarms?" Remus frowned. He hadn't really thought about it before. "I dunno, it's not really… I mean, I want to help people, obviously, but I'm not sure if… people don't want someone like me in their homes."

"Chin up, lad," Ferox said, kindly, "It's not all doom and gloom."

Remus drank again. He was nearly finished, and wondered if he would have time for a second pint. Probably not. Not very professional. Though, it was technically medicinal - his back really hurt.

Moody - 'Mr Thompson' - arrived a few moments later. He was looking more haggard than ever. The war seemed to affect him physically - he had accumulated more scars than anyone Remus knew (except himself, maybe). In return, he had lost more body parts - if Moody wasn't more careful, Remus thought, he'd end up like old professor Kettleburn.

"Kevin, Norman," Moody nodded at them both.

He was wearing muggle clothes - or at least his approximation of them. A gaudy hawaiian shirt paired with ancient looking mustard yellow bell-bottoms. Remus had to concentrate to keep a straight face.

"I'll get straight to business," he said, taking the third stool around the table. "He's been seen again. Our mutual acquaintance."

That meant Greyback. Remus swallowed, nodding,

"Where?"

"Outside of Dublin. We reckon he's been keeping a low profile; licking his wounds, but he's still in you-know-who's pay."

Remus nodded again. He'd known Greyback wouldn't be vanquished so easily; he'd always known they would meet again, eventually.

"The good news is," Ferox said, learning in, "He hasn't been recruiting - all sources seem to say that most of his pack have left him."

"Sources?" Remus looked at him, sharply.

"Well," Ferox grinned, "I took a little trip to the emerald isle last week."

"You what?!" Remus was shaken by this news. "You could have been killed!"

"Calm down, lad," Moody said, laying his palm on the table. "Norman here's been on this case since you were a nipper. He knows what he's doing."

"Ah, he's just worried, eh Kev?" Ferox nudged him.

Remus didn't respond. How could he tell these two men - who were older, more experienced, wiser, and probably more powerful than him - that they were being idiots? It was completely ridiculous that even fifteen years after Lyall Lupin's death the ministry continued to underestimate Greyback. Refused to learn anything from their mistakes.

"You should have told me." He said, finally. "I could have helped. Advised you, at least."

"I didn't go alone, don't worry," Ferox smiled, "I took young Daniel with me - I mean, er… no, bugger, I've forgotten it…"

"Danny?!" Remus balked, even more alarmed, "But…"

"It was nothing personal," Moody said, "You know more about them than anyone, but after last year, you're just too close, too recogniseable to the pack. We couldn't risk it."

"I wish you'd told me." Remus repeated, though he knew it was getting him nowhere.

"We're telling you now."

Remus pursed his lips. Danny McKinnon! Greyback must be laughing at them; they just had no idea.

"So, what, then?" He asked, knowing he was visibly irritated now. "What do you need from me?"

"Well, we know he's on the move. He left Dublin after the last full moon, without a trace. Him and a young female."

"Livia," Remus said.

"You know who she is?"

"It's most likely her," Remus nodded, "She's his most loyal supporter, she'll never leave him."

"Could you give us a description? Daniel caught a scent, but we didn't get eyes on her." Ferox said, eagerly.

Remus nodded.

"Ok. But you need to tell me, next time--"

"Fine, fine," Moody shook his head impatiently, "We'll keep you in the loop, where possible and within reason . Now, what can you tell us about this Livia bitch?"

Remus told them as much as he knew. He felt he was re-treading old territory, but no one ever listened to him anyway. He explained what Livia looked like - that was easy enough, she was hardly an ordinary looking witch.

"We'll get them lad, don't you worry," Ferox said as he shook Remus's hand before leaving. He had completely missed the point.

They hadn't tracked down Castor's pack - if they were still a pack. Moody thought they'd left the country, and Remus hoped so. He hoped no one ever found them again. By the time they were all ready to go, Remus needed a shot, never mind another pint - his back was twinging with every step, threatening a full on spasm. And he was in a seriously bad mood.

He apparated back to London, and pushed his front door open so hard the knob banged against the plasterboard.

"Fucking hell!" Sirius jumped out of his seat on the couch.

Remus blinked at him, embarrassed.

"Sorry. Didn't know you were in."

"What happened?"

"Bloody Moody! Bloody Ferox !" Remus winced as he pulled off his jacket.

"Does your back still hurt?" Sirius cocked his head, sympathetically. "Come here." He shuffled back on the couch, pulling his knees up so that Remus could sit in front of him.

Remus did, and closed his eyes, sighing gratefully as Sirius began to rub his shoulders firmly, wringing the pain out with his clever fingers.

"What happened?" He asked, "They're not… you don't have to go again, do you?"

"No," Remus said, "No, just… I dunno, do you ever feel like everyone thinks you're just some idiotic kid who doesn't know anything?"

"No one thinks that." Sirius soothed.

"I know you lot don't, but… ugh. They just don't listen to me. I know more about the werewolves than anyone in the Order. I'm Greyback's prodigal son, for god's sake!"

"Don't say that." Sirius suddenly wrapped his arms around Remus's waist, pulling him close and tight, as if he was about to bolt. "If Moody and Ferox keep you away from that monster then good."

Remus leaned into Sirius, and didn't say any more.

Will you stay in our lovers' story?

If you stay, you won't be sorry,

'cuz we believe in you.

Soon you'll grow, so take a chance

On a couple of kooks, hung up on romancing.

31st July 1980

"Remus, wake up!" Sirius shook him hard.

"Piss off." Remus grunted, covering his head with the duvet, "S'the middle of the night."

"Who cares?! Come on, it's time! Baby Prongs is on his way - or her way… their way!"

"What?!" Remus sat bolt upright in bed, "Fuck!"

"That's the spirit!" Sirius cheered, "Get dressed!"

Remus scrambled out of bed, and got dressed so fast he tripped over his trouser legs twice, banging his head on the dresser.

"Ow." He grumbled, rubbing his forehead as he joined Sirius in the living room.

"Silly sod," Sirius said fondly, "Lucky Marlene'll be there, eh?"

"I have a feeling she'll be busy…"

Sirius walked into the fireplace, grabbing some floo powder. Just as he was about to throw it down, he gave Remus a funny look, cocking his head, "Moony, your shirt's on inside out. Potter Manor. "

And with a blaze of green flame, he was gone. Remus looked down at his shirt. The buttons were on the inside. Damn. Ah well, he was too sleepy, and too jittery to sort it out now. He took a handful of floo powder and walked into the fireplace next.

He stepped out into the Potters' living room, which currently resembled a train station waiting room. Gully came scuttling through, arms piled high with blankets, and Mary, Peter, Sirius and Arthur Weasley were standing about, talking.

"Remus!" Mary gave him a quick hug. "Your shirt's inside out," she said, smoothing a hand over his chest.

"Any news?" He asked.

"James sent a patronus for Marlene about two hours ago - she was staying at mine to be closer to St Mungo's, so I came too. They've been upstairs ever since, I asked if there was anything I could do, but you know what Marls is like when she's got a job to do…"

"James is up there too?" Remus glanced at the ceiling nervously. He'd never say so, but he had an absolute horror of childbirth. He wasn't one hundred percent sure what it involved, other than a lot of screaming and probably blood too.

"D'you think they need anything?" Sirius said, wandering towards the stairs.

"Ms McKinnon will have it all under control," Arthur said, cheerfully, "James won't be doing anything more useful than holding Lily's hand, I promise you. Sit down lads, I'm afraid we're all in for a very long wait."

They all did, quietly. There was a funny atmosphere - no one except Arthur had ever experienced this sort of worry before, and Remus was very glad he was there. Mary got up and drew the curtains back. It was the peak of summer, and the sun was already full in the sky, birds singing and the muggle milkman whistling as he made his rounds.

"Tea, anyone?" Remus said, feeling the need to do something useful. He eyed Peter, who was leaning on his elbow, head nodding, "Or coffee maybe?"

"Good man, Moony," Sirius nodded, "I'll help."

In the kitchen, they found that Gully had already laid out the things for tea, and set some water to boil in the big copper kettle on the hob, so Remus and Sirius only needed to bother with the coffee. They did this quietly, though Remus caught Sirius's eye once or twice and couldn't help but smile at the boyish excitement he saw there.

Just as they were about to bring the trays through to the living room, a door upstairs slammed open, and footsteps could be heard on the landing.

"Padfoot?!" James's voice.

"Prongs?!" Siris ran through to the hallway, leaning over the stair bannister and staring upwards. Remus hurried to join him, and Peter was not far behind.

James peered down at them, red faced, misty eyes and beaming.

"It's a boy!"

Harry. That was the name they'd decided on, according to Marlene, who came down to gratefully accept a cup of tea and sank slowly into the couch. She had dark rings under her eyes, but smiled at everybody anyway.

"Lightning fast delivery," she murmured, sipping the milky brew slowly, "Twenty minutes active labour!"

"Maybe he'll be a chaser, like James!" Peter said, eagerly.

"Is Lily ok?" Mary asked.

Marlene nodded, "Of course she is. Nothing stops Evans."

"I'll be off, then," Arthur said, standing up and fastening his threadbare cloak, "I've been away from Molly and the boys too long already - I'll let Dumbledore know the good news, of course."

They all said goodbye. Once he'd gone, Sirius went to the stairs again to look up.

"Sirius, love," Marlene called sharply, "Give them a bit of time alone, eh? Family time."

"Oh, ok." He nodded, turning back to the room and leaning in the door frame. He stared into space for a while, and for once Remus couldn't guess what he was thinking. Sirius shook his head slowly, and said, "Harry Potter," very low.

"It's a nice name, I think." Mary said, brightly. She glanced at Marlene and stifled a giggle, "Better than Neville, eh?"

Marlene giggled too, guiltily, "Oh, don't, I could barely keep a straight face when Frank told me."

Remus got up and went to stand with Sirius. He threaded their fingers together.

"You're a godfather," he whispered. Sirius turned his head towards Remus, smiling,

"Yeah," he nodded, "... blimey, I really hope I don't balls it up."

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning of 'Spring' is Ace of Spades by Motorhead
Song midway through is 'Kooks' by David Bowie

Bagsy - claiming something, children's slang (like 'shotgun'). Bags-ee.

The War: Autumn & Winter 1980

Chapter Summary

Warnings for gore/violence and minor character death.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

You done too much, much too young

You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me

You done too much, much too young

Now you're married with a son when you should be having fun with me

Don't wanna be rich, don't wanna be famous

Ain't he cute? No he ain't.

He's just another burden on the welfare state.

Wednesday 3rd September 1980

Whooosh - splash.

Remus landed on his feet - just about - right in a muddy puddle in the middle of the high street.

"Bugger." He muttered, yanking his cloak up out of the way - his boots were beyond saving, socks already soaked through. He hadn't realised the holes were that bad, it was definitely time for a new pair, he'd need to check his savings.

It looked like it might rain later, too. Bloody perfect .

Remus was in a very bad mood, and wet feet were the least of it. Still, he was in Hogsmeade for a reason, and he knew he just had to pull his (metaphorical) socks up and get on with it. He wished he wasn't alone, but even if someone had been available to come with him (James had the baby, Lily and Sirius were in Broadstairs on reconnaissance, Marlene, Peter and Mary were all working), he'd been told to come alone. As usual.

He trudged towards the Three Broomsticks, thinking at least there would be a nice warm fire and maybe a nip of whisky waiting for him. He'd need it. Whenever he was summoned to meet someone alone, it was usually werewolf business, and that always required a stiff drink. He hoped it was news of Greyback rather than Castor.

It began to spit rain as he came within sight of the pub, and he jogged a bit to save the rest of his clothes from damp. It was a quiet afternoon in the little scottish village - the students of Hogwarts would be in their lessons, the wizards who lived in town would be at their occupations. And very few people left the house these days, if they didn't have to.

The pub was nice and empty. Remus felt a stab of nostalgia as he entered, remembering how only two short years ago he and his friends had all sat in one of the booths, bright-eyed and naive, looking forward to their futures. Who could have known that saving the world would be such a grey, monotonous slog?

"Remus Lupin, as I live and breathe!" Rosmerta chirped from the bar, one hand on her round hip, bosom overflowing as usual. She glanced hopefully over his shoulder, "Black not joining you?"

Remus shook his head, and went to take a seat near the hearth, so he could at least try to dry out his shoes.

"Not today, Rosmerta," he said, trying to affect good cheer, "Could I get a glass of--"

"Two glasses -- of butterbeer, please," a familiar voice intoned. Remus whipped around, finding himself face to face with Dumbledore.

"Oh, h-hello, professor." Remus said, embarrassed.

"Remus," Dumbledore nodded politely. He never called him 'Mr Lupin', not since Remus had asked him not to, years ago. "Please, be seated," he gestured grandly, like a vicar about to give a sermon.

Remus sat. Dumbledore always made him feel eleven years old.

"How have you been?" His old headmaster asked, kindly, gracefully taking the armchair opposite. He set down a heavy looking leather briefcase on the rug between them. Remus eyed it warily, but answered,

"Well, thanks. You know."

"These are difficult times." Dumbledore said, and Remus didn't respond to that, because he wasn't sure he was supposed to.

Rosmerta bustled over with the butterbeers, setting them down on the little round side table. When she'd left, Remus lifted his tankard and drank, just for a distraction. He could pretend it was alcohol, maybe that would help steady him. He desperately wanted a cigarette, but for some reason that felt wrong in front of Dumbledore. So he just sipped the butterbeer, feeling the cloying syrupy mixture rest on his tongue, slide down his throat.

"You must be wondering why I asked you here," Dumbledore said, watching him.

"Is it… is it… Greyback?" Remus whispered. Dumbledore smiled,

"You needn't worry about eavesdroppers, Remus, we are quite safe to speak freely here. No, alas, there have been no further reports of Greyback or the young lady he is travelling with."

"Oh." Remus blinked. Well then what?

"This is rather a more pressing matter - or at least, it will be, if I am correct."

"Right…" Remus shifted uncomfortably. He was not usually the go-to agent when it came to 'pressing matters'. Dumbledore seemed to read his mind.

"I am in need of someone with a keen eye for detail, and a good deal of patience." He leaned forward and opened the briefcase a crack. Remus peered inside.

"Books!" He said, surprised. There must be a hundred of them inside - some sort of extension charm perhaps.

"Indeed," Dumbledore smiled, closing the briefcase again.

"So… you need some research done?"

"I do indeed. Tell me, Remus, how much do you know about prophecy?"

"Er… well I never took Divination," he scratched his head. He was intrigued now, "But obviously it comes up a bit in Runes… I've read a bit."

"You will need to read a lot more," Dumbledore said, gravely, "And I must impress upon you both the importance of this task, and the sensitivity. Anything you learn must be kept entirely confidential, do you understand?"

"I… of course," Remus nodded, slightly alarmed. "But what do you want me to look for?"

"For now, we are simply seeking a fuller understanding of the nature of prophecy. Many of these books contain secret transcripts - some of which may need translating - of known prophetic and oracular statements. I should like to know if there are any which appear to relate to Voldemort, or to this particular moment in history."

"So… you think someone might have already made a prophecy? About how the war ends?"

"They may have." The professor replied, shortly. "But we cannot afford to make any rash decisions. While there is still time, I would like to know as much as we can."

Dumbledore switched between 'I' and 'we' regularly, when he spoke about the war, Remus noticed. Still, he thought he pretty much understood,

"Ok." He said, "How shall I let you know, if I find anything?"

"I shall come to you." Dumbledore replied, cryptically. "Once again, Remus, I cannot overstate the importance of this task. You must tell nobody, understood?"

"Understood."

That meant not telling Sirius, or James, or any one of his friends. Sometimes Remus wondered if secrets were simply his lot in life. He thought for a moment, "Professor?"

"Yes?"

"Should I keep an eye out for prophecies that have been prevented - or--" he re-phrased, because he knew that was impossible, "Circumvented? I mean, I don't know loads about it, but there are always loopholes, aren't there?"

Dumbledore's eyes glittered, and a small smile played on his lips.

"Very good, Remus."

Friday 24th October 1980

And that was how Remus spent much of his autumn. He studied well into October. It wasn't bad at all - actually, he enjoyed it. He'd always liked research, and though he missed the peaceful airy chambers of Hogwarts' library, he was pretty content squirrelled away in the little London flat, with endless pots of tea and a quietly smoking ashtray on hand.

If Sirius came in, he would cast obfuscate over his books and notes, and Sirius seemed happy with this arrangement. He understood what needed to be done in the service of the war.

Anyway, they were barely at the flat - Remus only used it to work in. They spent much more of their time at the Potters' mansion, where James's old bedroom had been turned into a nursery, but Sirius's old bedroom was the same as ever, only with half of Remus's things in it too. Together, the marauders and Lily had grown into a funny little family, with baby Harry at the centre.

It took Remus a month or so to really get over his fear of infants - and it still made him a bit anxious to actually hold Harry - but Sirius had been a huge help.

Sirius was utterly besotted with his godson. The child was barely ever out of his arms when they were visiting (a relief for Lily and James, who were only just bearing up under the pressure of parenthood combined with their duties for the Order).

"Say Padfoot, Harry, go on! Pah-d-foo-t…" Sirius cooed one evening, as he bounced the tiny little green-eyed creature on his lap.

"They don't talk until they're at least one," Remus smirked, sitting gingerly on the arm of the couch, "I looked it up."

" Normal kids don't," Sirius tossed his hair back, gently holding Harry's chubby little wrists, "But Harry Potter is no ordinary baby, he's clearly very advanced for his age. Come on, Harry, say Pad-foot …""

"Don't get your hopes up," Lily laughed, "James's mum told me he didn't speak until eighteen months."

"Oi," James yelled from his father's study, "I was an extremely thoughtful child, that's all."

"Oh yeah, what changed?" Sirius yelled back, grinning.

"You're hogging him, Padfoot!" Peter whined, reaching his arms out, "Come on, I haven't had a cuddle yet,"

"Not my fault he likes me best," Sirius replied, poking his tongue out at Peter, and then at Harry, puffing out his cheeks and bulging his eyes so that the baby giggled and burbled contentedly.

"I'll give you a cuddle, Pete," Remus teased.

"Lily, tell him!" Peter tutted, folding his arms crossly.

"Honestly! I've got one son and that's plenty," Lily laughed, getting up, "No fighting while mummy and daddy are out, ok boys?" She gave them all a very stern look.

"You've been spending too much time with Molly." Sirius said.

"Right, I'm ready," James came back through to the living room in his travelling cloak. Lily already had hers on. She gave him a stoic smile,

"Let's go then."

A cold silence entered the room, and Remus looked at the floor, because he couldn't bring himself to look at any of his friends, and especially not the baby.

Lily broke it,

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic, you lot. It's a standard mission, we've done a hundred of these." She went over to Sirius and bent to kiss Harry's head - already sprouting a thatch of fine black hair. "Bye bye Harry, mummy and daddy love you so much. We'll see you soon."

James didn't say goodbye - he had a wooden, muted expression that Remus had been seeing more and more of since his parents' funeral.

"Are you sure you can't tell us where--" Pete started.

"Sorry Wormy," James held his hands up, "Moody's orders. You know how it is."

Peter nodded, shoulders slumping. Remus knew how he felt - it was difficult enough knowing that your friends were walking into danger. It was even harder not knowing exactly what they would be facing - as though they were disappearing out of reach.

"Come on," Lily hurried her husband, pulling him from the room, "Back before morning, we hope!" She called from the hallway. And then the door slammed, and Harry burst into tears.

"Oh bugger," Sirius said, over the screams, "Er… have him now if you like, Pete?"

It took hours to finally calm Harry down. He bawled as if his heart was broken, and wouldn't settle until it was nearly midnight.

"Definitely couldn't do this full time," Sirius said, head in his hands as he slumped on the floor of the nursery.

"Jesus, I swear the kid's possessed." Remus whispered, rubbing his temples. He had a splitting headache.

"Shit, you should go to bed," Sirius said, looking up at him. His usually immaculate silky black hair was in knots, and there was definitely still some milky baby sick stuck in there. Without a trace of irony, he frowned at Remus, "You must be exhausted,"

"Oh, I'm fine," Remus shrugged - he tried not to wince as he felt every tendon in his back tug. Yesterday had been a full moon. "Actually I wasn't going to stay… you know, I've got that work to do."

"Oh, that." Sirius nodded. His mouth was a straight line. He climbed to his feet, glancing at the red and gold cot one last time. Harry was sleeping, thank god. They both padded quietly out of the room, leaving it open just a crack.

On the landing, where the lights were still on, Sirius looked even worse - he had rings under his eyes, which were bloodshot. Remus touch his arm gently,

" You ought to go to bed."

Sirius grabbed his arm, suddenly, eyes widening,

"Moony, don't go."

"Eh? I'm only going to the flat…"

"Please?" Sirius clutched at him, half mad with tiredness, "Just take the night off, just stay here with me?"

"Pete's here…" Remus turned his head slightly. He could hear Peter snoring in the couch downstairs. Not much comfort, he supposed,

"But I want you," Sirius said, desperately.

That struck Remus in an unusual way. To anyone else, it might have sounded whinging; childish. After all, Sirius was a grown man, and Remus had important work to do. But somehow it dislodged a feeling Remus hadn't had for Sirius in a long time - a desire to protect him. To hold him close and tell him everything was going to be ok, and to be strong and reliable for the man he loved.

Amazed by this revelation, Remus did exactly that, hugging Sirius tightly and kissing his filthy hair,

"Ok then," he whispered, "I'll stay."

After all, he thought, as Sirius trailed off to have a shower, relief evident in his posture; wouldn't Sirius do the same for him?

Friday 21st November 1980

That time, Lily and James came back, as always; tired, a little harder, a little less bright, but otherwise perfectly ok. Remus always felt enormous relief when any of his friends returned safely, and each time swore to himself he would not take it for granted. But what does that mean, when you are young?

There had been deaths - deaths in the Order, deaths of people he knew - but no one really close. No one he truly loved. The Prewetts he had been fond of. Benjy Fenwick he had chatted to once or twice. But they weren't close, and their losses didn't affect him severely. Compared to others, Remus had been extremely lucky.

Of course, you never feel lucky, at the time. Good fortune is too often something that can only be recognised with hindsight.

Sirius turned twenty one in November. They didn't have a party, but Hagrid baked a rather wonky - though very large and very delicious - cake, which they all ate at the Order safe house after the regular meeting. Someone took a few photos, but Remus forgot to try and track them down.

"It's a big deal for muggles, twenty-one." He commented as they climbed into bed that evening. "That's when they come of age."

"Why? Muggles can't do magic." Sirius frowned, yawning.

"No, I know, it's just an old fashioned thing," Remus tried to explain. "You get the key to your front door or something like that."

"Daft muggles." Sirius grumbled, his eyes already closing. "I feel old."

"Well, you're not," Remus settled down beside him, "I'm the one going grey. Twenty-one is young. Really really young."

Sirius sighed wearily.

"Doesn't feel it."

Remus knew exactly what he meant, but he didn't like it. They were all of them caught in a confusing place between adolescence and adulthood - baby Harry had only exacerbated that. There was a sense of time running out; of needing to accomplish as much as possible as fast as possible. Peter's crawling at his ministry job, always angling for a better position; James and Lily playing house and soldiers at the same time - Remus and his stupid drinking.

At least he had the research to do. That seemed to be going well - every now and then Dumbledore dropped by to see how he was getting on. And Remus would offload as much information as he could - with detail, because he knew Dumbledore liked detail. The old man would nod sagely, stroke his beard and sit quietly, ruminating. If he came to any conclusions, he didn't tell Remus.

It felt good, though. Remus even felt himself warming to Dumbledore for the first time. He liked being useful. And then, just before the November full moon, Remus got his chance to be really useful.

As usual, there was a message from Moody. He was to apparate to some very specific coordinates on Friday 21st November, and meet Ferox there.

"Tell him no," Sirius said, annoyed, "Bloody Moody, he knows that's the night before the full moon! You shouldn't be out running his errands when you're not well."

"Jesus, you make me sound like an invalid," Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm sure there's a good reason for it. I'll be fine, don't worry."

"Send a patronus, if anything happens?" Sirius asked, solemnly. "I don't care about protocol, just say you'll let me know?"

"It will be fine ." Remus repeated.

He really did feel fine about it all. When the moon was waxing he often felt stronger than usual, and usually didn't get bouts of nausea until a few hours before sunset.

It was good to get out of London; away from traffic and noise and crowds. It was good to get away from the Potters' - from nappies and baby talk and crying and creamed spinach. At the agreed time, Remus apparated following the instructions he'd been given, and found himself on a windy clifftop, somewhere very cold and bleak.

The sea crashed and raged miles below, and the long grass whipped around his ankles. Remus breathed in, deeply, inhaling the salt, the soil, the sharp cold scent of the clouds. The wolf inside licked its lips, ears pricking to attention. Yes. Greyback had been here.

"Hello!" Ferox was a way off in the distance, a stick figure man waving at him. Remus raised a palm in greeting, bent forward into the wind and trudged to meet him.

"Hi," he said, breathless as he approached, cold hands deep in his pockets, nose frozen. "Where are we?"

"Galloway," Ferox said, cheerfully. He had a thick leather cloak on, with a hood, but his face was still ruddy from the harsh weather, and white fog blew from his lips as he spoke. "Pretty, eh?"

Remus wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not, so he just gave a neutral smile. Privately he thought that yes, the landscape was beautiful, if forbidding.

"Greyback's been here." He said, wanting to get down to it.

"You know for sure?"

"One hundred percent." Remus nodded. Ferox nodded too,

"Excellent, we were right, then. There was a report to the muggle police about a couple of tramps, man and a woman, looking shifty. Reckon they've been here, then?"

Remus considered, breathing in again,

"Yeah, but the scent's old… maybe a day or so."

"Right. Shall we take a walk, then? See if it gets a bit stronger?"

"Ok…" Remus wasn't sure how he felt, being the Order's bloodhound. But he wanted to find Greyback as much as anyone, so he did as he was told.

They strolled up and down the clifftop for a while, until Remus could be sure which way the trail led. As they headed downhill, away from the sea and down towards a small country road, he grew confident that Livia and Greyback had been there very recently, and began to walk faster. Ferox had no trouble keeping up, of course; he was as fit and healthy as he'd ever been.

"What will we do, if we find him?" Remus asked as they walked. He was careful not to bring Livia into it, because - ok, while she was definitely a killer, he couldn't help feeling a bit more sympathetic towards her. After all, she was his sister, in a warped kind of way.

"Moody reckons they're hunkered down somewhere for the full moon," Ferox replied, "Based on my research, werewolves are weakest right after the moon, so we'll wait until then."

"Your research?" Remus gave him a funny look.

"Few books I've picked up - there's not a lot to go on, beyond the NEWT level stuff."

"Have you spoken to Madam Pomfrey? She looked after me for seven years, she knows loads," Remus said, trying not to sound too impatient. "Or Marlene McKinnon? She's been constructing her own case studies, to see if any advances can be made in lycanthropy treatment. Or, y'know. You could ask me . I might know a bit."

Ferox laughed good naturedly,

"All right lad, all right, I see what you're saying. It's just that there isn't always time to follow umpteen leads on a prick like Greyback. Got to move fast."

Remus said nothing, because it would only have come out wrong. He really hated criticising Ferox, it felt so awkward and embarrassing. He'd looked up to him as an ideal vision of manhood, once, and he didn't like tampering with that illusion too much. But honestly .The way he talked, you'd think Greyback was just some petty criminal, not a murderous creature and charismatic cult leader.

The scent had grown very strong, now, and as they crested the next hill, Remus could make out a large grey-black structure in the distance. The ruins of an old castle - Scotland was littered with them of course. This one was a tower house, and looked like a big square prison squatting ominously over the remains of a boggy moat.

"There." Remus said, stopping short. "That's where he'll be."

Ferox clapped him on the shoulder.

"Good work, lad."

Saturday 22nd November

Ferox didn't want Remus present for the confrontation with Greyback. Remus did not give a toss. He knew where to go, and when, and nothing would change his mind.

"I'm coming too, then." Sirius said, firmly, after he'd wheedled enough information out of Remus.

"No you're bloody not." Remus said.

"Am too. Sorry Moony, but there is absolutely no way I'm losing you to that monster a second time."

"You didn't lose me last time, you big drama queen, it was a mission," Remus countered, "Anyway, I can't put you in that sort of danger."

"I'm in danger every day," Sirius shrugged, "If it's right after the full moon, you'll need my help apparating."

"I've done that before," Remus dismissed, "It's hard, but I'll manage. Anyway, this isn't a normal mission, you wouldn't just be backup, you'd be leverage against me. He knows who you are. He knows what you mean to me."

"He made you tell him?!"

"Sort of. I told you they can read minds."

"That bastard. I'm definitely coming with you."

Remus had forgotten how strongly Sirius felt about legilimency. Walpurga had used it as a punishment, and he would forever associate mindreading with black magic. Remus hadn't raised the fact that this appeared to be a werewolf trait, and that, when pushed, he could do it too. Probably not a good idea to mention that just yet, he decided.

So Sirius got his way, of course, and Remus just hoped he would be able to protect him.

They went to the Lake District for the full moon; a place the marauders had enjoyed themselves before, a place with happy memories. James and Peter didn't go. James hadn't joined them for a full moon since Harry was born, and Remus understood that he didn't want to be away from his family too often. Peter said something vague about working late, and honestly Remus was too busy worrying about the upcoming battle with Greyback to question it.

The wolf probably had a good time that night, but Remus didn't remember much about it. It all got lost in the blood red haze of transformation, the choking and clawing and groaning as he twisted back into his human form.

"Urrrgh!"

"I've got you, Moony," Sirius had him by the shoulders, pulling a cloak across his body. Remus forced his eyes open, knowing how little time there was.

"Wand," he croaked, getting up. Sirius handed it to him. "We've got to go, now," Remus said, leaning on Sirius for support while he pulled his clothes on, hands shaking and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt and trousers.

"We're going, just take a breath," Sirius said, his voice calm and firm. "Hold on to me, I'll apparate us…"

Sirius was as good as his word; he didn't try to dissuade Remus from going, or try to tell him what to do. He simply got them where they needed to be.

Ferox was there already.

"All right, lads," he nodded, keeping his voice low. It was still quite dark under the grey Galloway sky, and the grasslands were cloaked in swaths of gauzy mist, the castle ruin rising from it black and foreboding. It was quiet, no birdsong, no noise at all. Like a place out of time.

"Have you seen anything?" Remus asked, desperately. He could smell them, the scent was very strong.

"Heard a bit of noise; must have been them turning back." Ferox said. He gave Remus a look, "You ok, our kid? Looking a bit green about the gills."

"Fine," Remus swallowed, "Fine. We should go in now."

"Right you are. Wands out." Ferox straightened up and started forward, "Pity we couldn't get 'em when they were wolves, eh?" He said, with a smirk, "Those pelts fetch a few bob on the black market."

Remus felt sick, the sweat on his back turned cold. Sirius reached for his hand in the dark and gave it a squeeze, then tossed his head and said sharply,

"Don't say shit like that, it's disgusting."

Ferox glanced back at him, shocked, then at Remus. He frowned,

"Sorry lad, didn't mean anything by it."

They didn't say another word as they approached the castle. Sirius and Ferox were trying to be quiet, but Remus knew they may as well have been a herd of elephants sneaking up on Livia and Greyback, whose senses were as sharp as his, even after the full moon. Still, they might be slower; weaker.

When they were up against the castle wall, Remus felt it. Greyback was waiting. The scent changed, and his head was filled with that dreadful growling voice,

Hello, cub… brought me breakfast, have you?

"He knows we're here." Remus whispered, frantically, "Be careful!"

Ferox touched his brow in a sort of salute, to show he understood. Then he rounded the corner and entered, Remus hurrying behind, and Sirius too. Ferox had his wand raised, and as he stepped under the broken archway it the shadows of the ruin, he opened his mouth - he had planned to use the silver chain spell, to bind the werewolves and contain them long enough for the Auror's to take over - but it was too late.

Remus was only a split second behind Ferox, and saw the rock come down. He stiffened, then crumpled to the ground, blood oozing from the a cut at the crown of his head.

"No!" Remus cried, over Greyback's laughter as the beast of a man stepped into the early morning light, his face full of glee. Livia sprung out next, and lunged at Sirius, grabbing his wand and knocking him to the ground.

"Oooooh, who's this then, brother? Pretty, pretty boy…" she crowed, sitting astride him, holding both of Sirius's wrists over his head as he struggled. She looked thinner, but was obviously as strong as ever.

"Let him go!" Remus snarled, raising his wand, furious. Then he screamed in agony. Greyback grabbed his wand arm and twisted it so hard he felt the bone snap.

"Remus!" Sirius called out.

Remus was almost blind with pain, and Greyback laughed again, letting him go.

"Welcome back, cub," he purred. "How I've missed you…"

"Fuck you." Remus groaned, staring about for his wand, which he'd dropped somewhere.

"Now now," Greyback chuckled, as Remus straightened up to face him, clutching his broken arm to his chest. "You should be on your hands and knees after what you did to me."

"Kill him, father!" Livia cackled, "Kill the traitor Remus Lupin, just as he killed my brother Gaius! Then I can have the pretty one!"

Greyback grinned at her, fondly,

"She's full of bright ideas, my beautiful girl."

Remus took the opportunity to look over Greyback's shoulder - Ferox was moving. Very slowly; he was obviously hurt, but Remus saw his fist tighten around his wand.

"Go on then!" Remus said to Greyback, gritting his teeth through the pain, "Kill me. Then what?"

"Then what?!" Greyback sneered, "Then I rip apart your little human pet, that's what. Then I tear him limb from fucking limb - but not before I've had my fun with him…"

"You're disgusting!" Remus shot back, stalling for time as Ferox's eyes opened. May as well tell Greyback what he thought of him, while he had the chance, "You're filth! You're nothing! You talk about freedom, but you don't have the first clue what it is! You're nothing but a bully! Voldemort's lapdog!"

"Kill him!" Livia shrieked.

Greyback's face had turned demonic with rage, yellow eyes glowing, and Remus really thought that would be the end. He scrunched his eyes shut and braced himself.

"What?! Argh!" Livia cried out again, and Remus heard a dog bark.

He opened his eyes to see Livia knocked backwards by Padfoot, who was growling - Remus had never seen him growl before - teeth bared, frothing at the mouth.

"Father!" Livia yelped, "Help m--"

And with a flash of purple light, Livia was silent. Her eyes went wide, a great black slash had cut her throat. She clutched at her neck to stem the gushing blood, but it was no good, it was too late.

Greyback gave a great roar of anguish, but Ferox was already on his feet, wand up, ready to cast the same curse again. Greyback was cornered.

"You're a dead man." He hissed at Ferox, and then, with one final snarl, he disapparated.

"Bugger!" Ferox grunted, stumbling forward, still poised to curse.

Sirius was Sirius again, and stood beside Livia, staring down at her. Remus went over too, feeling an uncomfortable mix of relief and genuine sorrow. Her grey fur cloak was matted with blood, which looked deep purple in the dim light. It was dreadful, but his first concern was for Sirius,

"Ok?" He asked, quietly.

Sirius nodded, still looking down. "You?"

"Think so." His arm was throbbing, sending shooting pains up into his shoulder; but he knew that could be fixed. Livia could not. Ferox joined them, a hand pressed to his head where the rock had struck him.

"Merlin, what a mess." He muttered. "At least we got the bitch."

"Her name's Livia." Remus said, angrily.

He suddenly saw the scene as a passerby might. Three men standing over her tiny body.

She could have ripped each of their throats out the night before without stopping for breath. She was a force of nature; queen of the night; she was one of the strongest people he had ever met. She was one of the only people in the world who truly understood what it meant to be a wolf.

Her eyes were still open, staring blindly at the broad grey sky. Remus knelt beside her, and gently closed them.

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is Too Much Too Young by The Specials

This fic has been nominated for a Marauder Medal by the Shrieking Shack Society! Last year, with all your lovely help, I won 'Best Work in Progress'. This year I'm lucky enough to be nominated for TWO awards!
- Best Characterisation of James
- Best Characterisation of Remus

I am so, so thrilled to be nominated, so thank you so much to whoever it was! I put a lot of effort into making sure all my characters are believable, three-dimensional people, and this was such a lovely surprise :)

If you would like to vote for me to win either/both of these awards, you can do that here:
https/docs./forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdGm5P_Ehq5Sjxdut6wJd71jZbh1EMQLREyDFhXlqhVfJ3VuA/viewform

Make sure to check out the other fics nominated too!

Thanks once again, I have such an incredble readership and I'm really, really grateful!

The War: Winter 1980 & Spring 1981

Chapter Summary

The darkness... darkens.

Warnings for:
- Alcoholism
- Gore/blood
- Homophobia

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Well I love you baby,

I'm telling you right here.

But please don't make me decide baby

Between you and a bottle of beer!

Baby come on over;

Come on over to my side.

Well I may not live past twenty-one

But WOO!

What a way to die!

Sirius made Remus go straight to bed after the skirmish in Galloway. Ferox summoned Moody to the scene, and he excused them. Remus wanted to ask about Livia's body - were they planning to bury her, at least? He didn't know if Livia had had any wishes regarding her final resting place, but he assumed she'd prefer to be somewhere in nature; somewhere moonlight could reach her.

Marlene came over the flat on her way to work to sort out his broken arm.

"Thanks, Marls," he smiled weakly, "I can do dislocations no problem, but broken bones…"

"You really shouldn't be doing spells on yourself, Remus," she chided, "You know you can always contact me, if you need to."

"I know."

She left a sleeping draught and some more of her own ointment for pain relief, and ordered him to stay in bed and do nothing useful or important for at least forty-eight hours.

It wasn't until the next day, when Remus woke up after two in the afternoon, that he was suddenly gripped with terror at the memory of Greyback's last words.

"He's going to kill Ferox!" He shouted, sitting up in bed.

Sirius came through from the living room, eyes wide with concern,

"What?"

"We need to find Greyback!" Remus said, climbing out of bed, limbs creaking, "He said he'd kill Ferox!"

"Moony, it's all taken care of," Sirius said, placing cool hands on Remus's shoulders, smoothing down his arms in a comforting gesture, "Ferox is going to move to a safe house, he'll up his security and be extra vigilant, don't worry ."

"It won't be enough," Remus shook his head, batting away Sirius's attempts to calm him, "Moody and Ferox, they don't treat Greyback like a proper threat - look at what happened! He's more dangerous than they think, and now he's angry…"

"I'm sure Moody knows that, even if Ferox is a bit cavalier about it." Sirius said. He was being so diplomatic; so reasonable, it was infuriating. "How are you feeling? I'll put the kettle on, why don't you have a bath? You'll feel better…"

Remus did take a bath, because his muscles still hurt. He slathered on a bit of poultice afterwards, which at least meant he could straighten up fully. He refused to rest. All he wanted to do was check on Ferox - make sure he had the right security in place. After all, wasn't it Remus who'd been doing all the grunt work on protection charms? It was within his remit, surely.

In the end, Sirius gave in and summoned Moody through the fireplace. The Auror's grizzled head hovered in the flames like a hideous easter egg.

"All in hand, Lupin," he barked, "You can stand down."

"But Mad-Eye," Remus pleaded, on his knees in front of the hearth, "Greyback will find him, I know he will, he'll be able to follow the scent - if you just tell me where he is, then I can--"

"Classified information." Moody snapped. "Every precaution has been taken. You can trust that the Auror's office can cope with a lone werewolf."

Remus's temper rose, and he was about to retort, but Moody signed off. "No time for this, Lupin, it's been a busy week. Get some rest."

Remus groaned furiously, slamming his fist on the rug.

"See?" Sirius said, standing behind him, "Moody's got it all sorted."

"But I need to be sure," Remus said, climbing to his feet, "They don't understand, not really, not like…"

"Not like you do?"

"Exactly!"

"Remus," Sirius's voice hardened, out of nowhere, "You need to be careful with that kind of talk. I think… I think you ought to put a lid on the werewolf stuff, for a bit."

"What?" Remus turned to look at him, blindsided. "'The werewolf stuff'!? What's that supposed to mean? I am a werewolf."

"I know," Sirius bit his lip, "But you're a wizard too, and you're on our side. It just might be a good idea to focus on something else, you don't want anyone in the order to get the wrong end of the stick…"

Remus gaped at Sirius as if he was a complete stranger.

"The wrong end of the stick…?"

"I'm not trying to upset you," Sirius said, choosing his words carefully, "I'm only warning you - things are bad enough already, no one trusts anyone. Frank told me Dumbledore thinks there's a spy in the Order, and if you keep bringing up how chummy you are with dark creatures then--"

"I am not 'chummy' with dark creatures!" Remus shouted. "How can you… unless you're saying I'm a dark creature too?!"

"Of course I'm not!" Sirius returned, clearly offended, "It's just... you know how much prejudice there is, and it's not going to do you any favours to broadcast this weird connection you have with them. I saw Livia, I saw Greyback, you're nothing like them. Don't let people think you are."

"Has somebody said something?" Remus asked, wondering where this was coming from, "Was it Danny, or--"

"No, it's not… it's… well, after you spent all that time with them, people have raised concerns, that's all. You can understand that, can't you?"

"No I can't! I was only with the pack because Dumbledore ordered it! Just like I've always done everything Dumbledore's told me to!"

"I know that…" Sirius looked away, as if embarrassed.

He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Remus knew that gesture. Sirius was nervous. He clenched his jaw.

"Do you trust me?" He asked, knowing his body language was aggressive, but not willing to temper it.

Sirius looked up at him, blue eyes filled with alarm.

"Of course I do! It's just…" His eyes fell again, another swish of hair, "You've always been good at keeping secrets, Moony…"

Remus's mouth dropped open. He clenched his fists, then unclenched them.

"Fine." He said, coldly. "If that's how you feel."

He turned and walked out of the flat. Sirius didn't try to stop him.

Remus went to the nearest corner shop first, and bought an extremely cheap and nasty bottle of gin. Then the problem was where to drink it. He didn't want to look like an alkie, chugging hard spirits on the street in broad daylight. But then he didn't really have anywhere else to go, either.

He considered looking for Grant, but he didn't know if he'd be working that day. Grant had moved back to London early in the spring, after too many times stuck on the late train back to Brighton. He was living in a bedsit somewhere north - but based on the telephone conversations they'd had, he rarely slept there. Grant had a string of paramours, and if he wasn't attending a lecture he could usually be found bed hopping - or at work, in the Sawyer's Arms pub.

"Variety is the spice of life," he teased Remus, "And I'm crap on my own. Can't hack the quiet."

Remus knew how that felt. A lot of the time it was the reason he drank. In the end, he decided he was too angry to be around anyone else, and went to hide in the park like a proper old waster. He ought to have gone to Grant's, he thought, once he was properly drunk; that would serve Sirius right.

He grieved for Livia, too; and made a silent toast. She'd been cruel, yes, and a murderer. But none of it had been her fault, really - not if you went back far enough. She'd been taken by Greyback before she was old enough to speak; when she was Harry's age, maybe. Livia had no choice but to become a killer, any more than Remus had a choice about his drinking.

He went home eventually, when it got too cold. He hadn't thought to bring a coat when he stormed out. Sirius was sitting on the couch, waiting for him, hands twisting anxiously in his lap. When Remus walked in, Sirius took one look at him, and - no doubt smelling the gin - shook his head, disappointed, and got up to make a pot of strong tea.

They didn't say much, and they never spoke about 'werewolf stuff' again.

Remus did not celebrate Christmas 1980.

In fact, he did not see any of his friends, or Sirius, from the full moon, which fell on 21st December, until January. He spent it hiding in Moody's cellar, with Danny McKinnon.

Ferox was dead.

Not just dead; destroyed; eviscerated. Ripped to pieces. According to the Daily Prophet, every wall of Ferox's house was splattered with blood. Moody said that the carpet was so saturated it squelched under their feet - the Aurors who'd arrived on the scene.

Greyback had made good on his promise, just as Remus had tried to warn them. But he couldn't bring himself to say 'I told you so'. He was too angry. Angrier still, when Moody told him he'd need to hide from the Ministry.

Ferox's murder spurred the wizarding public to demand a clampdown on werewolves. There were too many unregistered names; laws needed to be harsher; the register ought to be published. It was no longer safe - two days after Ferox's death hit the headlines, a known werewolf, Theodora Lupa, was attacked in her home. She was fully registered, and had spent the full moon locked up in the cells at the Ministry, but her innocence it meant nothing to the vengeful mob.

What was more, the death eaters appeared to be using the excuse to stir up more bias against magical creatures - it was understood that Voldemort himself was offering a reward for information on the locations of any 'half-breeds'.

So Remus was forced to hide.

"I'll miss Harry's first Christmas." He said stupidly, as he packed his suitcase.

"James and Lily will understand." Sirius said. He was watching Remus from the bed, pale with terror. "We all just want you safe."

"I know." Remus nodded. There was nothing more to say.

They shared a chaste kiss goodbye. Things hadn't been the same since Livia died, and news of Ferox's hellish demise had turned Remus completely numb.

Moody was not much of a host. He blindfolded Remus and made him side-along, so he had no idea where he was. He saw none of the house - if it was a house - but the whole place reeked of black magic, so heavy and thick Remus thought he'd choke on it.

In the cellar, his blindfold was removed, and it was a sorry sight. Danny sat on one rickety put-up bed, and there was another pushed back against the opposite wall. There were no windows, and the walls were bare brick. Moody had put aside some provisions - he explained that there were so many protection charms and cloaking spells on the cellar door that it took hours to enter or to leave, so it was best they just sat tight until he told them the coast was clear.

Remus agreed, only because he knew that he could break the charms if he wanted.

There was a little toilet at the back with a sink - no shower, so they'd have to do their best with a flannel and a bar of soap. The food was all dried stuff that didn't need too much preparation, and besides that there was nothing at all. Remus was just glad he'd had the foresight to bring a few books. Not to mention the bottle of firewhisky he'd stashed just in case.

"Hi." Danny said, dully.

"Hello." Remus nodded, as Moody locked the door at the top of the stairs.

"This is shit, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Remus went over and set his suitcase beside his bed, then sat on it. It sagged heavily, and squeaked. A faint smell of mildew rose from it, which put him in mind of the Shrieking Shack.

"Never spent a Christmas away from my family." Danny said. "Even when I was touring."

Remus nodded, glumly. He hadn't had Christmas without Sirius in almost ten years.

"Couldn't believe it when I heard about Leo Ferox. He was so… I dunno, I just really thought he'd make it through the war. Did you er… know him well?"

"He was my Care of Magical Creatures professor," Remus offered. He wasn't quite sure it had sunk it yet. He didn't really feel very much, when he thought about Ferox; only a blurry sort of wistfulness.

"Oh wow," Danny said, "Bet he was good at that."

"Yeah, he was," Remus gave a small smile, "Had loads of good stories." He suddenly remembered Achilles, Ferox's kneazle - what had happened to it? He thought about Greyback, in full wolf form, coming across the sleek silver animal, and for the first time, his eyes filled with tears.

Bugger. Why did this have to happen now ? He thought, as his shoulders began to shake and he tried to get himself under control. Why couldn't I get emotional at the flat, when it was just Sirius? Sirius wouldn't care if he cried. It was no good. He covered his face with his hands and just waited for it to stop.

"Sorry, Remus," Danny said, awkwardly. "I didn't realise… he must have meant a lot to you."

That made Remus cry harder, because of course Ferox had meant a lot. He was Remus's first crush (not counting David Bowie, maybe), even if Remus hadn't fully understood it at the time. He was one of the first adults Remus trusted, who made him feel like a person with value. Maybe they'd clashed a bit, as Remus had grown up, but no one was perfect.

"I'm sorry," he coughed, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, "It's been a bad year."

"You can say that again." Danny said. "Oh, Marls says hello. You should've seen her when Moody came for me, she was all set to come along too."

"Really?" Remus smiled, sniffing, "That sounds like her."

"Yeah, she said to give you a hug and a kiss, so tell her I did, ok?"

"Ok," Remus laughed, feeling a bit more normal.

They pottered about a bit in their little living space. Remus tried not to think about the cell at St Edmund's, or the Shrieking Shack, or the crypt in the forest - every cage he'd ever been forced into. He unpacked his clothes, then, finding nowhere to put them, re-packed them and slid his suitcase under the bed, leaving only his pyjamas out.

They had a little bit to eat - just some bread and cheese. Remus hadn't eaten any meat since hearing about Ferox.

"What were you going to do for Christmas, if you weren't stuck here?" Danny asked, over supper.

"Spend it at the Potters." Remus replied, "With the new baby."

"Oh yeah, of course, you're all mates, aren't you," Danny nodded. "Marlene talks about you all like you're celebrities."

"Ha." Remus grunted. "Maybe James and Lily. And Sirius."

Danny cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Marls said you and he were…"

Remus just looked back at him, holding his gaze, allowing him to feel uncomfortable. Danny finally looked away, "Obviously that's fine. I'm fine with Marlene and Yaz, aren't I?"

Remus just shrugged,

"It's a bit like being a werewolf," he said, pulling the crust off his bread, "Everyone's perfectly 'fine' with it, as long as you never bring it up."

He had a few leftover cigarettes, and would have liked one after dinner, but for one thing, he didn't want to share, and for another, there weren't any windows and it seemed a bit rude to smoke the place out. God , he thought, this is going to be agony .

Things got even more awkward when it came time for bed. They were both yawning, and agreed it was quite late, and that they were tired. Remus began to take his socks off, and stood up to unbutton his trousers, when he realised Danny had not moved. He couldn't see why he was so shy; didn't quidditch players get undressed in front of each other all the time? James had been a borderline exhibitionist in the dorm room at Hogwarts. And surely Danny couldn't be shy about scars; Remus had heaps more than him.

"Close quarters." Remus commented, hoping to put Danny more at ease.

Danny twisted his mouth, eyes flicking up and down Remus's height.

"Er… Just so you know, it's not like I've got a problem with it… with you. But I don't swing that way." Danny eyed him warily.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Oh, poor me, whatever will I do?" He drawled, then turned his back and got into his pyjamas.

He climbed into bed and rolled onto his side, facing the wall, to prove that he couldn't care less which way Danny 'swung'. Have you seen my boyfriend?! He wanted to say. As if I'd be interested in you, you big lump.

Eventually, Danny undressed and got into bed too, then flicked out the light. Remus could hear his heart beating, and realised that Danny could probably hear his, too. They had even less privacy than they thought.

"Sorry, Remus." Danny whispered, eventually, "I didn't mean anything by it."

That echoed something Ferox had said, and Remus felt the sadness return. He rolled onto his back, and spoke to the ceiling,

"It's ok. Forgotten."

Quiet for a while. Remus waited, hearing Danny poised on the cusp of a question.

"Did he always know?" Danny whispered. "Sirius?"

"Hmm?" Remus squinted over at him.

"You know. Did he always know you were a werewolf?"

"Oh. Yeah - mostly. He worked it out, when we were twelve or something."

"And he still… I mean you still got together."

"Yeah."

"That's good." Danny said, sounding very earnest, "It's nice to think… to think someone might be able to look past it, one day, you know?"

"It shouldn't be something people have to look past in order to love you." Remus said, fiercely, "It's part of who you are."

Danny didn't reply.

Things got a bit easier between them, after the first night, but they kept each other at a distance anyway. Remus did a lot of reading. Danny sometimes exercised, doing press ups or jogging on the spot. It was annoying, but Remus couldn't blame him.

On Christmas day, Remus couldn't take it any more, and whipped out the bottle of fire whisky. They both got extremely drunk, and spent all of Boxing Day hungover. The room stank.

By the 27th, they were climbing the walls. Remus had finished his books - Danny had even read one of them, and they'd tried to have a conversation about it, but Danny knew so little about muggles that he hadn't really understood the plot.

"How much longer can it be?!" Danny said, exasperated. It was the 31st, the last day of the year. "What if we're still here for the full moon?!"

"That's weeks away." Remus replied. He was lying on his back on his bed, an arm slung over his face. Danny snored, and kept him up all night. "Anyway, we'd be fine, best place for us."

"What if we attack each other?"

"Well, I won't attack you if you don't attack me."

"You mean you can control it?!"

Remus sighed.

"Yeah. You can too. Not around humans, but other animals. Other wolves, it's fine. Why'd you think they live in packs?"

"I never really thought." Danny said. "What was it like? The pack?"

Remus bit his lip. Should he lie? Or did Danny deserve to know?

"It… wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." He said. That was the first time he'd admitted it. "Obviously Greyback was… but the rest of them. The ones who split off - they were ok. They were like family."

"Well." Danny said. "I've got a family already."

That was how it went, with Danny. He wanted to know things - he wanted to learn from Remus, but if he heard anything that made him uncomfortable it was right back to self-loathing.

Remus missed Sirius so much he swore he could feel it in his gut like hunger. He wanted so desperately to have someone he could really talk to; what a relief it would be to spend time with his best friend, to relax. I'll apologise, he promised himself, I'll never get angry at him again. I'll kiss his feet and crawl over hot coals and broken glass if it'll get things back the way they were.

He didn't want to end up like Danny.

They were a week into the new year by the time Mad Eye finally came for them. They both caught his scent at once, and sat up, keenly staring at the door. They'd almost run out of food by then, and Remus prayed this wasn't just a grocery delivery. He felt the charms being slowly undone, each layer peeling back. Finally, the door swung open, and the clunk of Moody's wooden leg on the first stair.

"All right, boys?" He called. "Ready to get back to work?"

Coming out of that cellar was like coming up for air. Remus felt as though all of his senses had been muted for weeks, and now everything was a riot of colour and noise and scent.

Moody wasn't joking about getting back to work. He took them straight to a new safehouse, where the rest of the order were gathering for a meeting. Remus could smell Sirius as soon as he got in the door, and it made him so giddy with excitement that if he'd had a tail it would have been wagging. He ran his fingers quickly through his greasy hair, and thought about how awful he must look.

Moody led them down a corridor and - rather than going straight through to the kitchen, where they could hear everyone talking - veered into a small utility room, which had a muggle washing machine inside and a big pile of dirty towels in a basket.

"I'm bringing you through in a minute," he explained, "Ms McKinnon's been harassing me every day for the past two weeks to have you back, and Black's threatened me with every curse I've ever heard of," he smirked indulgently. "So you're out now, but I need you both to listen, right?"

"Right." They both nodded, blinking.

"The danger hasn't passed. You're still under threat. I can't have either of you leaving your homes without a disguise. I'd rather you didn't leave at all."

"But how can we help the Order if--"

"There's plenty you can do," Mad-Eye raised a hand of warning, fixing Remus with a hard look, "Research, communications, tracking spells, what have you. Unless you were enjoying your cosy little break in my cellar?"

They both shook their heads fiercely. No. Never.

"Right then." Moody nodded, business-like again. "Come on, then," he pushed the door open and their filed out, following him to the kitchen. It was crowded with people, most of whom Remus knew, and they all turned as soon as the door opened, fifty pairs of eyes, all wide with mistrust and worry.

"DANNY!" A blonde blur rushed past Moody and Remus and body-slammed Danny, winding him. He chuckled and hugged Marlene back,

"All right, sis?"

"Remus?" Sirius had stood up, and was crossing the room anxiously, climbing over chairs and squeezing past people who had to bend and twist out of the way, snatching back mugs of hot tea. He had to look down as he approached, so he didn't trip, and his hair fell in front of his face, swaths of black silk.

As he reached Remus, who was still standing half in the hallway, Sirius had to raise his arm and sweep his hair back, and Remus swore the room went completely silent for a moment, and the only sound was the frantic thudding of his own heart. He forgot to breathe, and gasped,

"Hi."

Sirius smiled a little, and stepped forward, a hand on Remus's shoulder to push him out of the room, into the dark hallway. Away from everyone else, Sirius slid his hand up Remus's neck, into his hair, and kissed him on the lips - so beautifully.

Spring 1981

The honeymoon period after Remus's hiding lasted well into February. Both of them were so apologetic, and so grateful to be together again, that for a while everything was wonderful - they were like teenagers again. Especially because Remus wasn't supposed to leave the flat, which meant that there really wasn't a lot else to do.

Sirius popped over to check on James and Lily and the baby every now and then, and he still had missions to go on - but he always rushed back to Remus as soon as he could. They spent days and evenings lounging in bed together, eating beans on toast and smoking and playing records. It was like living on a private island - they'd even had to cut off the floo connection for safety's sake.

Luckily, Remus was allowed to keep the telephone, his lifeline, and the others came over when they could. Mary visited on her way back from work at least twice a week, to avoid her noisy family.

"It's bliss, over here," she smiled, sinking into the couch and closing her eyes. "If you had a telly I'd never leave."

"Ha, I'm working on it, trust me." Remus replied. "Is it really bad at yours? Do you want to stay over a few nights?"

"Nah," she opened her eyes, "I want to be with my family. They keep me normal. It's just… you know, they don't know anything about the war - I don't want them to know, but… it's so hard."

"Sorry, love." Remus said, wistfully. "Want a drink?"

Mary gave him one of her long, gentle looks, tilting her head.

"No, Remus," she touched his knee, "It's never a good idea to drink when you feel like this. It doesn't make things better, does it?"

Remus just shrugged. He didn't see what the big deal was. Mary just smiled again, and took a sip of her tea, and continued as if nothing had happened.

"Anyway, I can always pop to Darren's if I need a break from the kids."

"Darren? That kid you were going out with in fourth year?"

"Well remembered," she laughed, "Yeah, he still lives across the hall. I go over sometimes, we're friends."

"Just friends?" Remus raised an eyebrow. Mary looked down, suddenly sad.

"Yeah. That's all it can be, right now. He's a muggle, I'm in the Order… I'm already putting my family at so much risk, I couldn't bear if…"

She shook her head, her face resolute. "Sorry! I'm supposed to be here keeping you company, not bringing you down!"

She still didn't want to drink after that, but they had a nice long chat anyway. In hindsight, Remus would be glad that Mary was there that night, and that she stopped him getting drunk. Because that was the night James got hurt.

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is What a Way to Die by The Pleasure Seekers.

If you don't hate me for all these miserable war chapters, you might consider voting for me in the Shrieking Shack Society's Marauder Medals. I am nominated for best characterisation of James and best characterisation of Remus.

Vote here:https/docs./forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdGm5P_Ehq5Sjxdut6wJd71jZbh1EMQLREyDFhXlqhVfJ3VuA/viewform

Thanks again to everyone reading and commenting! Hang in there!

The War: Triage

Chapter Summary

No warnings, but emotions running very high.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Police and thieves in the streets (oh yeah)

Scaring the nation with their guns and ammunition,

Police and thieves in the street (oh yeah)

Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition.

From genesis to revelation,

The next generation will be, hear me

From genesis to revelation,

The next generation will be, hear me,

And all the crowd come in, day by day

And no one stops it in anyway

All the peacemaker, turn war officer

Hear what I say.

While Mary and Remus sat on the cosy couch in the little Soho flat, curtains drawn over the dark windows, fireplace crackling, Sirius, Lily and James were in mortal peril.

This passed for a normal Friday night, in those days. By now everyone had developed a fatalistic attitude to life, and a kind of gallows humour. "See you, later," Sirius would say, leaving the house, "If I make it."

"Meet you at home," James would tell Lily, "If it's still there!"

It helped everyone get through it, at the time - after all, if you said the worst thing out loud, it couldn't hurt as much, could it? The thought tortured Remus for a long time after the war was over.

They were only supposed to be on a routine patrol - in Diagon Alley, which made Remus feel better because it was so close by. There were three of them, and they would be checking in with a senior Order member at the start and finish, so it should have been business as usual. In fact, Mary was about to leave Remus and go home for the night - when there was a hammering on the door.

They both jumped, and Mary let out a strange squeak of terror. Then the door began to open, and they both stood, wands raised, Remus covering as much of Mary as he could.

"Help!" A muffled voice came, and Sirius and Lily pushed their way into the flat, James's limp form sagging between them, an arm over each of their shoulders.

"Christ!" Remus started forward to help, and between them all they got him onto the couch. "What happened?!"

"Remus," Mary choked, her wand still raised, hand trembling, "The questions…"

"Right, fuck, ok, um…" His mind was racing, he couldn't stop staring at James's face, pallid and waxy, gleaming with sweat. He looked at Lily, "What did… um.. Who…?"

"Lily, who was your first kiss?" Mary stepped in, quickly.

"Dirk Cresswell." Lily said, promptly. Sirius and Remus both gave her a funny look, but there was no time to make a fuss.

"Sirius," Mary said, redirecting her wand, "Same question."

"I don't know!" Sirius said, exasperated, pulling away James's robes - there wasn't any blood, but James's eyes were closed, the lids deep purple, "One of you go and get McKinnon!"

"What do you mean you don't know?!" Mary rounded on him, "Answer the bloody question, Black!"

"I can't, I really don't know! It was some muggle girl in a cinema! Moony, tell her!"

"He's telling the truth," Remus said, his throat dry, "He is, we got into a fight over it. I punched him."

"Punched you back," Sirius muttered, scanning James with his wand. "Get Marlene?! Please!"

"I'll do it," Mary said, backing out of the room, quickly. The door slammed and they heard a *CRACK* as she disapparated from the landing.

Lily came hurrying in from the bathroom, clutching a damp flannel. She knelt beside James and pressed it to his forehead,

"Don't you dare, Potter," she whispered feverishly into his ear, "Don't you bloody dare…"

"What happened?" Remus grabbed Sirius's shoulder, "An attack?"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded, sweating and shaking. Remus wished he would sit down, but he knew there was no point saying so, "Ambush. Six death eaters. Someone must have known we'd be there, someone must have told… "

"Sirius!" Lily shrieked, "Look!"

She had loosened James's shirt, and revealed long green coloured streaks, like tree branches stretching out beneath his skin. His breathing was shallow.

"Oh fuck," Sirius crumbled, falling to his knees beside Lily, "Did you hear what the curse was?"

Lily shook her head, tears streaking down her face. James's breathing grew laboured, rasping in his throat, and he was limp as a rag doll.

Remus's heart began to rattle in his chest, his vision swam and his knees went weak. Not James! He was the very best of them. He was the one who had to make it, no matter what. How could there be a world without James Potter? You might as well picture a world without kindness, or laughter, or mischief.

"Firewhisky." Remus said, suddenly, "I've got a bottle somewhere."

"Not now , Moony!" Sirius snapped, his face jagged as a demon's. Remus recoiled, hurt,

"I meant for Prongs! It might help the shock."

"Try it!" Lily wailed, lifting the cold flannel on James's forehead to feel his skin. Remus could tell from a metre away that he had a temperature. "Try anything!"

Remus ran, and while he was in the kitchen looking for a wooden spoon (he'd heard that metal was bad for someone having a fit - they could hurt their teeth. James wasn't seizing, but better to be safe), Mary returned with Marlene. The whole atmosphere changed.

"Out of my way, please!" Marlene's crystal clear voice rang out, its inherent common sense authority restoring order at once.

Relieved, Remus came through clutching the firewhisky. Lily was crying harder now, standing back to let Marlene work. Sirius had his arms around her, eyes never leaving James's face, which was starting to turn a deathly shade of grey.

"Marls," Sirius said urgently, "Please… please…"

"I'm doing my best, Black!" Marlene barked, turning to open her bag. Remus caught the flushed look of terror in her face, the shimmer of tears in her eyes. This was bad.

It was as if they were all holding their breath. Mary was still in her coat, pressed against the door.

"Is there someone else I can get?" She asked, her voice hoarse. "Tell me, I'll go anywhere."

"I don't know," Marlene said trembling. "There's no one safe at St Mungo's, and I don't know if anyone else in the Order is… Emmeline, maybe, but she's in Hungary or somewhere…"

"You can do it though, Marls?" Lily said, desperately, "You can heal him?"

"I don't know, I… What was the curse?"

"We don't know," Sirius said, "It was wordless."

"What about a bezoar?" Mary asked.

"That's for poison," Sirius shot back. "He was cursed."

"Yeah, but still, isn't it worth a try?"

"I don't have one anyway!" Marlene let out a sob. She was really crying, now, her hands hovering over James's body, shaking.

His breathing was coming slower and slower, Remus could still hear his heart beating, but that was getting weaker; a long syrupy 'thwump'. They had to do something.

"Can you describe the curse?" He asked, brain ticking.

"It was wordless!" Sirius repeated, impatiently.

"No, but could you describe it?" Remus persisted, firmly. "A light? Colour? A smell?"

"I'm not like you, Remus, I'm not…" Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, frowning,

"Blue." Lily said, sniffing, "There was a blue light, wasn't there Sirius?"

"Yeah!" He nodded, lighting up, "It was blue, and kind of… Jagged? Short, like a dart."

"Yes," Lily wiped her eyes, looking at Remus as if he was her saviour, "It was like arrows being fired at us; blue arrows."

"Ok," Remus nodded, as if he knew exactly what he was doing. He had never heard of a curse that did that. "Ok, so… blue… er…"

"Remus!" Mary cried, "Blue, isn't that explosive charms?"

"Yeah," he jumped on it, eagerly, then frowned, "But he hasn't…" He looked down at James. He was completely intact - just incredibly weak.

"Maybe they combined it with something?" Lily said, straightening up, folding her arms across her body and putting on her war face. "Magical alchemy, you boys do that all the time."

"Or it could have been a mistake," Sirius said, leaning in, his eyes finally focussing properly, "That happens all the time too."

"Yeah!" Remus agreed, "The death eater might have just really wanted to use a lot of force, that can come out explosive sometimes… oh! Did you have shield charms up?"

"We did," Lily nodded, the lines in her forehead deepening, "But James - his had just dropped, just for a split second, he was trying to…" she looked down.

"He was trying to protect me." Sirius said, very low. "Last thing he did was disarm that fucking Crouch kid, he was about to get me with an unforgivable."

Remus blinked with shock, and then shoved that feeling down, down as far as it would go, because he needed to deal with James now.

"Ok," he swallowed. "Ok, so what if whoever hit James was just a bit slow? Tried to get through the shield charm just the second it went down."

"That makes sense," Lily said, her face bright with tears and sweat and hope, "That accounts for the short bursts!"

"Ok, great!" Remus looked down at Marlene, who was staring at him eyes as big as saucers.

"What do I do, Remus?" She said, her voice very small - as if they were back in the library at Hogwarts and she didn't understand a transfiguration principle.

"I… how would that hit him?" Remus asked, agitated - he didn't know what to do! She was the one with two years training as a Healer! "What would it do?! Think!"

"I'm trying!" Marlene said, still shaking.

Remus wanted to take her by the shoulders and really shake her - she had to get herself together! This was James! He had a family, and a baby, and Sirius needed him, and Remus needed him, they all did! Marlene just kept staring at them all, frozen.

"Marls," Mary came over, quickly, squatting down next to her friend. She did take Marlene by the shoulders - but she didn't shake her. She hugged her, and stroked her hair. "Sweetheart," she whispered into the silent room, "You can do this. You're the cleverest person I know. If anyone knows what to do, it's you. Ok?"

Marlene shut her eyes for a moment, and breathed in, deeply. She opened them and nodded,

"Right." She said, turning back to James. "It would have been hard, right in the chest… it would have... yes! Yes, it does make sense!"

She began to mutter to herself, and then moved her wand, a warm, soft lilac glow emanating from the point, pooling over James' prone body, sinking in slowly, like foam.

They all held their breath once more, while Marlene worked. Sirius was holding Lily's hand, and Remus could see her knuckles turn white as she gripped him back. Mary stayed by Marlene's side, kneeling on the rug beside the couch, her head bent as if praying.

Remus just clutched his bottle of whisky and felt as though the world was falling out from under him. There was nothing to do but watch and wait, listen to Marlene's steady muttering, and try to keep perspective.

The magic she was using had a sweet, fresh scent, like cut grass, or budding leaves. The smell of springtime, of regeneration. That was a good sign, Remus thought. He wished he had learnt more from the werewolves - their healing techniques had been flawless. But maybe that only worked on other werewolves?

James's breathing was getting steadier, his heart rate a bit stronger. Woosh - woosh - woosh - Remus could hear his blood pumping faster already.

"It's working!" He said, going a bit closer to hear better. "You're doing it, Marlene!"

"Oh thank you," Lily said, covering her eyes with her hands, "Thank you, thank you…"

Marlene stopped muttering and felt James's pulse. She sighed with relief and nodded,

"Stable." She said. Then, looking up, "Might as well give him a bit of that whisky, Remus."

After they'd got a bit of that down him, Marlene gave James a strengthening potion. He was getting a bit of colour back, by then, and his chest was rising and falling evenly. They were out of the woods. Still, Marlene didn't want him moved, not until he'd regained consciousness.

"He can stay here," Remus said, "Of course he can. It's safe, isn't it, Padfoot?"

Sirius was watching Remus, across the room. He was thinking, Remus could tell - he had his problem-face on. For some reason, it made Remus go cold. "Padfoot?"

"Yeah…" Sirius said, slowly, "But we thought Diagon Alley was safe enough."

"Well, he's here now," Lily said, getting up from James's side. "He's staying. I have to go home - Peter's looking after Harry, he must be so worried! I'll be right back…"

"Someone should go and get Dumbledore." Sirius said, abruptly.

"What for?" Mary asked.

"Just… he ought to know we were attacked. He ought to know somebody told the death eaters where we'd be."

"Sirius!" Mary stared at him, her mouth open, "Are you saying… someone in the Order?!"

Sirius nodded. He didn't look at Remus again.

"I'll go!" Remus offered.

"No!" Sirius said. "You can't, you… you need to stay here. It's not safe for werewolves."

"It doesn't seem to be safe for anyone!" Marlene retorted, standing up, wiping her forehead. "You go, Sirius, since it's so important. Remus, Mary and I can stay and look after James."

Sirius looked at James, and then at Remus - not his face, though, just his general direction.

"Ok," he said. "I'll be really quick." And headed out the door.

The three women looked at Remus awkwardly. Lily came over to squeeze his shoulder, and said gently,

"He's just upset, love. He blames himself for what happened - James was trying to save him when he got hit. Don't take it personally, eh?"

"I know," Remus raised his chin, manfully, squashing down all of the bitter, rotten emotions, "It's fine. We're all in shock. It's fine."

"I've got to go," Lily said again, "Harry."

"I'll come with you," Mary said, "We should go everywhere in pairs. That's what Moody would say."

They both left, and Remus tried not to think about the fact that Sirius had vanished into the night completely alone.

Marlene had collected herself by now, and was bustling about making James comfortable,

"I should have told Lily to bring him some pyjamas… maybe she will anyway," she said, "Have you got a pillow and some blankets for him, Remus?"

"Yeah, 'course." Remus nodded, hurrying to the bedroom, coming back with five blankets and two pillows (they were the only pillows they had, actually; he'd taken them right off the bed).

Marlene was checking James's pulse again when he came back.

"Is he ok?!"

"Yes," Marlene nodded, "Still steady. I was just checking…"

They made up a bed on the couch around him. Remus took his shoes off, but they decided to wait until Lily was back to undress him. He looked as though he was just sleeping. Remus smiled,

"I've never heard James be so quiet for so long," he commented, hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

"Ha." Marlene said, then burst into tears again.

"Hey hey hey!" Remus pulled her to him, "It's over now! Please don't cry…"

"I'm - sorry - I'm - just - so - scared -" Marlene sobbed, choking on every breath, "I let - everyone - down!"

"No you didn't!" Remus felt horribly guilt for shouting at her, "You did an amazing job!"

"Only - because - you lot - helped…"

"Well, obviously," he kissed the top of her head, "That's what friends are for."

Lily and Mary returned first. Lily cradling Harry in her arms - who was sleeping, mercifully. She went straight to James's side once more.

"I brought some of Effie's potions," She said, harried, "Have a look, Marlene, there might be something useful…"

"I don't want to dose him up too much," Marlene said, carefully. "Rest and observation is the best thing now, I promise." She had washed her face and had a nip of whisky, and was considerably calmer now.

"Did you see Wormtail?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Mary said, taking Harry from Lily, so that she could focus on James. "He was really upset - he wanted to go home and check on his mum. Can't blame him."

"No, of course." Remus agreed. He'd want his mother, too, if he had one.

He made a strong pot of tea, and everyone took a cup, but nobody drank any. Marlene and Lily poured over James , undressing him and tucking him into bed, plumping up his pillow, while Mary gently rocked Harry in her arms. Remus watched the three of them - like saintly maidens in a church altarpiece - and felt completely useless.

"Could we move him to the bed?" He said, annoyed he'd only just thought of it, "Then you can sleep next to him, Lily."

"Better not for now," Marlene advised.

"Right, then I'll make you up a bed here…" he tried to remember some transfiguration charms - though conjuring furniture was usually something Sirius was better at.

"Don't worry, Remus, I'm not going to sleep." Lily smiled, tiredly.

"I don't think any of us will." Mary said. "I phoned mum. All right if I stay here too, love?"

"Of course." He nodded. And of course Marlene wouldn't be going anywhere until she was certain James was going to make a full recovery.

In the end, they agreed they'd sleep in shifts, and take the bed two at a time. None of them wanted to go first, of course, and they all settled in for a very long night. Remus leaned against the mantlepiece, listening to James's heart beating across the room. He kept picturing his friend suddenly sitting up, grinning at them all; Alright you lot? Bloody hell, who died?!

Finally, Sirius returned with Dumbledore, and any peace they had managed to reclaim was shattered.

"I need to know everything." The old headmaster said, his face severe, eyes burning like the blue centre of a flame.

Sirius and Lily began talking. They explained how everything had been routine - standard; boring, if anything. They'd done a sweep of Diagon Alley, even Knockturn Alley, and found everything perfectly safe and secure.

Then they'd left, via the Leaky Cauldron exit, and had decided to walk to the check-in point, as it was a nice evening, and not too far. They were supposed to meet Dorcas Meadowes in a muggle café on Tottenham Court Road - but they'd been ambushed before reaching it.

"You couldn't have been followed?" Dumbledore asked, looking at them both. They shook their heads.

"We made sure," Lily said. "They weren't behind us, they were ahead - they were waiting for us."

"Shit, someone ought to tell Dorcas…" Sirius said, suddenly, "After James got… we had to get out fast, there wasn't time."

"It would not have mattered," Dumbledore waved a hand, "Dorcas Meadowes is dead."

The room fell silent. Harry woke up and started to cry. Lily took him from Mary at once, clutching her son close to her chest.

Sirius spoke first.

"I'm right, aren't I?" He looked Dumbledore directly in the face, "There's a spy in the Order."

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is 'Police & Thieves' by The Clash.

Fair warning - The next two chapters will cover June - November 1981.

The War: Summer 1981

Chapter Summary

This chapter includes the death of a key character.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Once I had a love and it was a gas,

Soon turned out; had a heart of glass.

Seemed like the real thing, only to find,

Much of mistrust, love's gone behind.

Once I had a love and it was divine,

Soon found out I was losin' my mind

It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind,

Much of mistrust, love's gone behind.

James recovered - slowly. He was moved back to the Potter house the next day (waking up groggy, unable to say very much, quickly falling back to sleep), but Dumbledore declared this a temporary solution. He told Lily to prepare to leave at a moment's notice.

After months of being regarded as junior members of the Order, the marauders and their friends suddenly had all eyes on them.

At the next Order meeting, which James insisted on attending despite his weakened state, there were definitely whispers.

Seven kids - three of them wealthy heirs to pureblood houses, two muggle born, a werewolf, a novice Healer - what made them so special? Could they be trusted? They had survived the war so far, against all the odds. Were they just lucky, or was there something more to it? Who were these kids, who had escaped six death eaters and somehow reversed an almost incomprensible curse?

The had gathered in a small cottage, somewhere in the Peak District. It was a small living room, but the Order was small by then.

At the end of the regular meeting - which had really become more of a remembrance service for people they'd lost since the last time they'd met - Dumbledore asked Lily and James to stay behind while everyone else headed home. In turn, James asked Remus, Sirius and Peter to stay.

"Are you sure?" Sirius whispered, urgently, "After everything that's happened…?"

"--After everything that's happened I want my best friends nearby." James replied. Remus felt a swell of pride at that - to James, good sportsmanship extended to every element of his life. To mistrust the people he loved would be highly dishonourable.

Sirius folded his arms, but didn't argue.

James sat in a chintz armchair, his back straight, his face set. He looked perfectly healthy, unless you really knew him. His cheeks were more hollow, his skin paler, and - though everyone was pretending they hadn't noticed - his jet black hair now had a few threads of grey. Lily had brought a blanket to lay over his lap, but he kept pushing it off, irritably.

"I'm fine," he muttered under his breath. "Leave me be!"

"There's no need to be like that!" Lily hissed back. She was looking a lot paler, too, her tired face lined with worry. Remus had never seen Lily and James snap at each other before. It felt horrible.

Harry was fussing, flailing his arms and making a face. Lily was taking no chances now - they went everywhere as a family, or nowhere at all.

"Shh," she jiggled him on her hip, "Quiet now, Mummy and Daddy are busy..."

"Give him here," Sirius held out his arms, "We'll have a little play, won't we Harry?" He lifted the little boy up, and Harry squirmed and giggled delightedly.

He wasn't saying many words yet - 'Da-da', 'Ma-ma', 'No!' and, for some reason, 'bike!' were about the extent of it. But he knew his godfather. Remus wondered if it was the smell of old leather. His own experiences with Harry were hit and miss. They got on ok until the kid started crying - and Remus was no good at pretend play, like Sirius was.

The pair settled down on the living room floor, Sirius with his legs splayed out, Harry between them. Sirius pulled a little toy train out of one of his jacket pockets, and Harry began pushing it across the bumpy rug, burbling happily to himself. Sirius beamed at him. He was so good with children. Remus felt a weird sense of dissonance - did Sirius want kids of his own, one day? They'd never discussed it, and Remus had never had the slightest interest. He didn't feel qualified to be a parent, and he wasn't sure he ever would.

Maybe it was that, then. Maybe that was why Sirius was acting so strangely?

Remus's private worries were interrupted then, by Dumbledore, who cleared his throat, commanding everyone's attention.

"We have reason to believe," he said, quite calmly, "That Voldemort's focus has changed."

Everyone looked up, even Sirius.

"We've received some information that the Dark Lord has become aware of a prophecy that was made early last year, which seemed to refer directly to him."

"A prophecy?" Peter leaned forward, "What prophecy? What did it say?"

"It is better that we share only the most pertinent details," Dumbledore said sharply, "Particularly in mixed company."

Everyone looked around the room. Remus felt a bit queasy - he did not consider the people congregated to be 'mixed company'. They were his friends; his comrades, and the people he trusted with his life. He tried to catch Sirius's eye, hoping for some reassurance, but Sirius quickly looked away.

"So he's changed his focus," James said, breaking the discomforting quiet, "What does he want now?"

"In short, Mr Potter," Dumbledore said, directly, "He wants you. Or rather, your son."

Lily let out a horrible gasp, her hand flying to her mouth. James gripped the arms of his chair. Peter had an odd sort of nervous spasm. Sirius gathered Harry up and stood at once, " What?! "

"I am sorry," Dumbledore said, steadily, "But I have it on very good authority--"

" Who's authority?" Lily asked, sounding strangled.

"That I cannot say. I will not place anyone else in danger."

"There's a spy, then," Peter said, wringing his hands anxiously, "On their side, I mean?"

"I cannot say." Dumbledore repeated.

"Well you'd better say something useful!" James returned, almost shouting, "What do you mean my son?! How can Voldemort even know about Harry?!"

"We can't trust anybody." Sirius said, quietly.

James turned to look at him, a look of pure disbelief. Inwardly Remus was relieved. James trusted his friends - of course he did. Sirius was being paranoid.

"But why Harry?!" Lily asked, shrilly.

"Voldemort believes that Harry will one day grow up to defeat him."

"Is that what the prophecy said?"

Dumbledore inclined his head slightly, as if considering this.

"It is what Voldemort believes." He said, eventually. "And that is the same thing."

"You'll have to hide," Sirius said, talking directly to James now,"All three of you. There have to be more charms - stronger magic we haven't tried yet - we'll send you to bloody Timbuktu if we have to!"

"Padfoot," James said, raising a hand, "Calm down."

"I will not!" Sirius shouted, red in the face. For a weird split-second, Remus didn't recognise him at all.

Harry started crying, reaching for his mother. Lily took him and cuddled him close, kissing his fine black hair and whispering soothing nonsense.

"Sirius is right," Dumbledore said, still infuriatingly calm, "You will have to hide. Plans are already in motion."

"How soon can we go?" James asked. "Today?"

"Soon." Dumbledore said. "I will come for you."

"Ok." James nodded. "Ok. Right. Good."

"You will all remain vigilant, I trust," Dumbledore continued, beginning his closing address. He looked at each of them, as if to impress the gravity of the situation. When he met Remus's eyes, Remus made sure to stare back, and tried to transmit an aura of reliability and strength. Dumbledore gave the briefest of nods, before moving on to Peter.

"And none of you will share this information with anyone outside of this room."

They all nodded. Remus's head was spinning - if Lily and James went into hiding, what did that mean? Would they be stuck in Moody's cellar, like he'd been? He dearly hoped not, he wouldn't wish that on anybody, least of all his best friends and their baby.

Once Dumbledore had left, they walked out of the cottage, into the thick amber evening sunlight, and looked at each other again. Harry had fallen asleep by now, nestled in Lily's robes, one chubby hand fisting her long red plait.

"You'd better all come over for dinner," James said, with a strained smile. "Just in case we don't get another chance."

A lump developed in Remus's throat, and lodged there for the rest of the night.

Still, they had a nice time. Gully the house elf prepared a full Sunday roast at short notice - glorious roast beef, golden roast potatoes and fluffy yorkshire pudding, two kinds of stuffing, mouth-watering rich dark gravy, carrots, parsnips, peas, broccoli… Remus hadn't eaten on that scale since Hogwarts.

Before they began, James raised his glass to toast,

"To our friends," he said, shooting a slightly pointed glance at Sirius, "Who've always been there for us, through thick and thin - Lily, Harry and I love you all so much."

Remus had to excuse himself after draining his glass. He spent a few minutes composing himself in the downstairs loo. When he came out, and returned to the table, Sirius was watching him again, his eyes narrow, his mouth an inscrutable straight line.

Wednesday 10th June 1981

Two days later, Sirius disappeared in the night. He must have crept away deliberately, because Remus didn't even realise until he woke up the next morning, and rolled into the cold empty pillow. He sat up, confused.

"Sirius?" He called to the rest of the flat. It was empty.

He got up and went to the living room, and checked the kitchen - sometimes they left each other notes. There was nothing. But Sirius's shoes were gone, and the keys to the bike, so he must have left of his own free will, at least.

Remus sat at the kitchen table and waited, chain smoking. He wanted to contact someone, but there wasn't anyone who he was sure he could trust - Sirius's conspiracy theorising was starting to get to him.

Finally, the front door clicked open, and Sirius's familiar footfall could be heard entering the flat. Remus almost got up and ran to meet him - but he had been treating Sirius with kid gloves ever since James's attack.

"Moony?"

"In here."

"Oh, hello," Sirius stood in the kitchen doorway. He looked flushed - he must have been on the bike. "All right?"

"Where have you been? I was worried!"

"Sorry." He pulled a face and came to sit down at the table too. Remus watched him. He seemed happy. His hair smelled of the countryside, and he was sweating a bit through his black t-shirt - it was gearing up to be a very warm summer. He picked up the cigarette packet, took one out with his teeth and snapped his fingers to light it.

Remus waited patiently.

"It happened," Sirius said, finally, his face shining strangely, pearlescent in the weak light of morning. "They're hidden."

"Lily and James?" Remus squinted, scratching his head, "How?"

"Dumbledore sorted it all."

Why didn't you take me with you? Remus wanted to ask, before scolding himself for having such a selfish thought. That wasn't the important bit. "Is it safe? I gave James a whole scroll of security charms to use, did he--"

"They won't need any of that," Sirius waved a hand. He seemed weirdly triumphant, as if he had just bested Remus at a game of chess. "Dumbledore came up with something better."

"What?"

"The fidelius charm."

"The…" Remus frowned. He vaguely remembered having read about that… something to do with implanting a secret into another person. It was powerful stuff, he knew that much. No one would be able to break it, except the secret keeper themselves. "Well, that'll do it, I suppose." He said. "But wouldn't they need someone to put the secret in ?… is it Dumbledore?"

"He volunteered," Sirius said. "But in the end, we thought it was better if it was one of us."

"One of us..?" It dawned on Remus all of a sudden, as if Sirius had dumped a bucket of ice over his head. "No." Remus said, shaking his head.

Sirius was staring at him intensely, his eyes dark blue and more serious than they had ever been. Remus wanted to hit him. Shake him. Wring his neck. Anything to get some sense in his stupid thick skull. " No ." He said again. "It's too dangerous!"

"Moony…" Sirius started,

"Don't you 'Moony' me!" Remus said sharply, standing up. He had to pace; had to move, just to keep up with his thoughts. "It's stupid! It's the stupidest idea you've ever had!"

"It's not my idea--"

"Don't tell me you didn't volunteer!" Remus rounded on him, furious, "Don't tell me you didn't jump at the chance!"

"To help my best friends?! To help Harry?! Of course I did!" Sirius was shouting too, and it was awful.

"Find someone else!" Remus begged, "Anyone! I'll do it!"

"You can't." Sirius shook his head, "It has to be me, you know it does."

"No!"

"You can't just keep saying 'no'. It's done. It's dealt with."

Remus really thought he was going to hit Sirius for a moment. Hit him, or burst into tears like a child. He did neither. He sat down, hard, and covered his face with his hands.

"You bastard." He muttered.

"It's going to be ok. I've made sure." Sirius said, reaching out to him. Remus batted his hand away.

"You just did it?! Without even telling me?"

"I'm telling you now!"

Remus glared at him. He was going to say something he regretted, in a minute. If he didn't leave, he was going to say something he could never take back. He swallowed his rage, stood up, and walked out of the flat.

Friday 24th July 1981

So it was done. After that argument, everything happened very quickly. There were no goodbyes, Lily, James and Harry simply vanished without a trace. Remus knew better than to ask where they were - he wanted them to be safe, after all. And he wanted Sirius to be safe.

The Order was told that the Potters had gone into hiding; that Voldemort was after them because of Lily's blood status, and her marriage to James.

"It's awful, not trusting anyone, isn't it?" Peter said as they left that meeting.

"Yeah." Remus agreed glumly.

"It's necessary." Sirius said. "And if I knew who the spy was, I'd kill them myself. I wouldn't even need magic."

Peter and Remus stared at him, shocked.

"Sirius," Remus said, putting a hand on is shoulder, "We can't start acting like death eaters - James wouldn't want--"

"James doesn't want his child to be murdered by a lunatic on a power trip!" Sirius ranted, jerking away from Remus's touch, "You've gone soft, Moony."

If I have, Remus though to himself, it's because of you . No one fell in love with a hard heart; he'd learnt that lesson more than once.

Still, as dreadfully as Sirius was acting, Remus was inclined to make some allowances. It was a very difficult time - the darkest point in the war - and everyone was handling the pressure differently. Peter and Marlene threw themselves into work - they were rarely seen not rushing to one place or another. Mary seemed to withdraw into the muggle world more - she was always around when you needed her, but her mind often seemed to be in two places. Remus had his drinking and his self-pity. So if Sirius wanted to be the angry one for a bit, fine.

But it was still a war - war does not make allowances, or give anyone time to catch their breath. It is relentless and unforgiving, and unimaginably cruel.

It was only a week or so before Harry's first birthday. Sirius had just got in from Diagon Alley - he'd gone in search of something appropriate for a one year old, and instead returned with an actual broomstick.

"Sirius!"

"Oh come on, Moony, it's only little!"

"He's a baby!"

"Got to train him young if he's ever going to play for England!"

Remus laughed indulgently, and sipped his tea while he watched Sirius wrap the toy. He hadn't seen him so happy in a while, and it was so nice. Then it happened.

There was a strange scent, first, which only Remus picked up. Familiar and friendly, magical. Then, in a flash of bright light, an enormous silver patronus burst through the wall. It was a lioness, and it prowled the room, snarling,

"Fucking hell!" Sirius leapt up, backing away.

The huge cat looked at them both with plaintive eyes, and opened its mouth. The scream with emanated from it was bone-chilling, and all too familiar. It was Mary.

"Help!" It wailed, "Hollyhock House!"

And then it vanished.

"That's the McKinnon's address." Remus said, getting up to put his shoes on.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.

"To help Mary!" Remus said, impatiently, fumbling with his laces, "Come on!"

"Moony, no," Sirius said, "We can't, we have to follow protocol, contact Moody, or Arthur, or FRank, or--"

"Fuck protocol!" Remus shouted, "It's Mary! She asked for help and I'm going. Stay here if you want."

Of course Sirius didn't stay.

They arrived outside Hollyhock House maybe ten minutes after getting Mary's patronus. Neither of them had ever been to Marlene's home before, though she'd described it a few times. It was a lovely old tudor style cottage, located a few miles outside of a village in Sussex. There was a long garden path, with a border of bright pansies and geraniums - red, purple, yellow, pink. The front door was painted a soft dusky green, and if you craned your neck you could just make out the tops of three quidditch hoops in the back garden.

It might have been pretty, anyway. But not today.

Mary was standing at the top of the path by the roadside, frozen, staring blankly up at the blue sky. The dark mark hung over the yellow thatched roof; an enormous black cloud, the unmistakable shapes of skull and snake.

"No!" Remus gasped. Mary turned to him with tears in her eyes,

"They're all dead." She said.

"Are you sure?" Sirius said, taking a few steps up the path, wand raised.

"Yes." She said, "Yes, they're all lined up very neatly."

"What?" He looked back at her, frowning.

"Lined up… in a row…" she repeated. She swayed for a moment, and Remus put his arms around her, in case she was going to faint. She leaned into him, weeping silently.

"Stay with her." Sirius said, continuing up the path. Remus began to tremble. It was like a nightmare; like a horror film. He watched Sirius approach the door, push it open, call inside.

"We were supposed to meet for lunch today, but she never came," Mary whispered against Remus's shoulder, still clinging to him, "I thought she was just busy at the hospital… I tried to find her after work, but they said she'd never gone in… so I came here and I…"

"It's ok," Remus said, because what else do you say?

"The mark was there, and the door was open, and… oh god, Remus! All of them! Her mum, and her stepdad, and Yaz, and Danny… just lying there! Oh my god, their eyes!" She began to sob in earnest, and Remus held her tighter, feeling his insides turn to water.

Sirius came out of the house. Even at a distance, Remus could see the look of horror on his face. He made his way quickly towards them.

"I'm going to get Moody," he said. "I'll be back as soon as possible, ok? ...don't go in there."

And with that, he disappeared with a loud *CRACK*.

"That's it." Mary cried, hysterical, "It's over, I can't do this anymore!"

Chapter End Notes

Song at the beginning is Heart of Glass by Blondie.

...god, I'm so sorry, gang :(
One more war chapter to go.

The War: Autumn 1981

Chapter Summary

This is it, guys...

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

I loved the words you wrote to me

But that was bloody yesterday.

I can't survive on what you send

Every time you need a friend.

I saw two shooting stars last night

I wished on them - but they were only satellites

Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?

I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care.

I don't want to change the world

I'm not looking for a new England