"Do you need,
do you need someone?
Are you scared of what's to come?
If you leave
then who will the next one be?
Will he do the same
or will he let you see.
That you don't have to hurt.
You don't have to hurt anymore.
With a little time, take a look and find what you're searching for."
- Broken by Isak Danielson
Mazikeen Smith
Raising my fist to knock on a door of a suburban household, I'm greeted by odor of a man who looks like he hasn't had a shower in days.
"What do you want?"
"Do you know a woman by the name of Lily Rose?" I ask him.
"She's a singer. I think." The man scratches his messy hair. "My father was obsessed with her songs."
"Could I get your father's number?"
"He's dead." The man says flatly just as he begins to close the door, I place my foot between the cape.
"Wait!"
"I'm sorry, I'm really busy-"
"Mazikeen!" Oh great. Just what I needed. The man's words fade when the cheery voice of Michael flutter through the street as he approaches us. "There you are."
"What are you doing here?"
"To help you catch bounties of course." He says as he thumbless with his smartphone. "And for you to help me figure out the purpose of this app. It's telling me to tweet something. Do all Homo Sapiens believe they are birds or something? Can't they talk normally without communicating like an animal?"
The urge to slap my face is rising with this twin. "It is called talking you idiot. And I'm not Bounty Hunting right now."
"Wait. You're a Bounty Hunter?" The man seemingly panics and tries again to shut the door. But my foot remains still in place.
"Your afraid." Michael suddenly disregards his device as his senses the man's emotions.
"No kidding." I say when analyze the gruffy man's edgy movements.
Michael grabs the owner's shirt collar, pulling him closer to him. "What is it that you truly fear?"
My gaze sifts back and forth between the two, never really seeing how Michael uses his abilities in person.
"I'm- I'm... I'm afraid of..."
"Yeah. Yeah. Go on man. We don't got all day." Becoming restless at the slow process as Michael tries to hurry it up.
To be frank, I actually wouldn't mind speeding this along. I got places to be anyway.
"...I'm afraid of people finding out about my rock eating addiction."
What the-?
I sight out loud. Another dead end. Great.
Michael makes a face as he lets go of the man. "Humans are so weird."
"Humans?" The midlife crisis croaks like he's about to cry or throw up.
I grimace and quickly pull the door closed. Waste of my time is what this was.
I head down the steps and onto the pavement to walk towards my parked car.
"Admit it, Mazikeen." Michael hot on my heels, continues. When you befriend an angel, then does he ever leave you alone?
"What?"
"That my way is faster."
"It's a slow day." I could be fast if I wanted to. Trust me. It's exhilarating.
"But without me you would still be wasting your time on that pathetic excuse of human instead of actually doing what matters."
Moving to the driver's side as I let myself pull the door open before turning to him. "Listen, Michael. This is my time. Which means leave me alone."
"But you have to admit we do work well together. We could do this on a regular basis. Right? I mean. We could be like Bonnie and Clyde. Michael and Mazikeen. No. Wait. MM."
"MM?"
"Yeah, I actually like those rainbow chocolate candies."
I roll my eyes and sigh in defeat. I wasn't in the mood to chase a guy all day long anyway, but hell I was going to admit that to him. "Listen, I have a crappy thing today and I would really appreciate it if you could-"
"Drive you there? Or better yet fly you there?"
"-not ask questions for the rest of the day." Finishing my sentence.
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
"Fine. I'll leave you alone, but don't forget we have to discuss the next steps of our plan tonight."
"Yeah. Whatever."
Michael makes a face as he starts to back away when slide into my car to close the door. "You know you're more pessimistic than usual, right."
Looking out from the window, I give him a smile. "Tell me something I don't know."
"Lily Rose was an extraordinary woman. She was a survivor..."
A man with a dark coat continues off the rant about how Lilith so called life was like.
A small group of people mainly including the ones who decided that it was befitting that Lilith have a memorable burial even though no friends or family members known were participating.
I subconsciously let the black nail of my forefinger pick at one of the cemetery's tree bark, when I quietly lean against it, observing the scene from afar, making sure I was fairly distant from the people, but close enough to hear them speak.
"...She was a good neighbor. Always ready lend a hand if needed." The priest took a pause to let out a small laugh. "Stubborn enough to never take a no for an answer..."
A warm slither ran down my cheek when I continued to hear the speech about my mother, a side of her I never got to know and somehow even doubt that the Lily Rose they were all talking about was even her Lilith.
I quickly stop picking at the tree, wiping the tear away and sniffing up any remains of a cry.
Weak. I tell myself.
Heat the starts to climb up my body when I reminded of my mother's words. I did it to make you strong, and it worked. Just look at you. I can see you don't need anyone.
My hands mold into fists by my sides. She was right. I don't need anyone. But why do I hate her so much?
A few hours pass as it turns dark outside and after everyone has left the area, I finally manage to make my shaking legs to move to the headstone, right where she now lies.
I glance over the ground, seeing flowers and candles all decorating the ground. The light of the candles illuminating some light in the darkness, making it easier to let my eyes coat my face with water.
Letting gravity to take my knees down as I now sit before Lily Rose's grave.
I shouldn't be here. Showing sympathy for my so-called mother. A mother I never got to know. Never got a chance to spend time with. A mother who never taught me from right from wrong, how to hunt or how to survive. A mother who I never got to seek comfort whenever I felt threatened. A mother who never showed an ounce of love towards any of her children and that included me.
Another warm slider runs down my cheek when the imagine of her enters my mind. The day I found her at her little apartment. The moment she opened the door for me I expected so much and yet got so little in return.
And all I ever truly wanted from her was a hug. A hug that would tell me that everything was going to be okay. All my years of being on Earth and around humans have made want more for myself. Appreciation or an ounce of sympathy form her that I was still alive and that she cared about me and that's it. I would have walked away feeling... happy.
Another stream of wetness escaped my eyes and this time I couldn't stop them.
I don't know what else to do here. What else is there here for me?
A sound of branch breaking at someone's feet pulls me from my depressed thoughts and gains my attention. I quickly brush my face with the sleeve of my night black coat. There's no way another person besides Linda and Lucifer needs to know that I'm able to cry.
"What do you want now?" I croak out and immediately swear at myself for sounding weak and pathetic.
"You weren't at the suit, so I figured..." Michael's voice finds its way to where I sit. "And came looking for you."
"Well I'm busy."
"I can see that."
Without another thought I stand up and start heading away from the grave. "Just leave me alone."
"Mazikeen."
My heated gaze lands on a wooden sign near the entrance of the cemetery. My brows knit together at the stupid thing and I let my emotions get the better of me.
Grabbing ahold of one of the polls, I pull it off as the sign tilts down halfway. Sucking in a breath full, my mouth lets out a frustrated scream as I smash it to pieces.
Screw it!
Screw her!
"I HATE HER!"
Hit after hit, the sign is no longer readable or standing for that matter as I keep bashing until the wood turns into splinters.
"Mazikeen. Listen-"
Throwing away what's left of the stick, I make my way out of the cemetery to wherever my legs take me. "Leave me alone, Michael!"
Two hours pass as I walk around the city, trying to cool down. I finally find the apartment that I'm looking for and decide to go there instead of walking around the city aimlessly for hours.
Finding the door, I want, I use the key I was handed and try it out only to discover that freaking lock has been changed.
"That old hag."
Grabbing the door handle, I twist it without using a muscle and break it open. Letting the handle fall to the ground as I kick the door open.
My throat goes try when I let my eyes rake the small apartment.
Empty.
They took the stuff.
My mother's stuff!
Marching my way over to the wall, I hit it with so much force that it leaves a dent in the interior.
I laugh at my own misery. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. And she was wrong. I'm not strong. I'm weak.
I continue to quietly laugh as lean against the wall, letting knees go soft as I slide to sit on the floor. Burring my face into my crossed arms.
Sometimes passes and my quiet laughs have turned to cries as I sit weep on the floor, feeling as empty and tired as the room I'm currently residing in.
A slight pressure near me wakes me from despair and I'm met with the Archangel again, this time sitting by my side. For once I don't have the strength in me to yell at him to go away and instead, I say nothing. His own gaze directed ahead and not on me. Michael doesn't say anything and lets me be.
I don't need pity. And I'm thankful he's not giving it to me right now.
"I hate her." I say when I start to hate the silence around us, I'm even surprised at how small my voice sounded like when it came out like a whisper.
At this point I don't care who sees me in this state.
"I hate her." I keep repeating like a broken record player at this point. Was this what grief feels like? A broken record of hurt that feels as though it's a never-ending ache in your body that is unlikely to recede.
"I know."
Leaning back, I'm met with a pair of brown eyes connecting with mine that are filled with understanding. Worry? And it's like I didn't expect it. And definitely not from him. That's when the stupid flood gates opened again.
"I hate her." I keep repeating as I don't know what else to say anymore.
"Mazikeen."
"I hate her." I half laugh and half cry.
Michael suddenly places his left hand on my left shoulder. "Mazikeen."
I shake my head franticly. I don't know. I don't know! I just feel like I wanna scream and explode into pieces just so this feeling would stop.
It's feels... It feels like torture.
A strong set of hands are suddenly placed at my sides, wrapping themselves around me as they pull me against a chest. The specific musky scent of male cologne hits my nose, just when I realize it belongs to Michael. Realizing he's still in the room with me.
I try to pull myself away but the more I struggle the more his hold around me tightens.
"Maze."
That's the moment I realize I'm in Michael's embrace and I quit trashing around, excepting what his offering me.
"It's going to be okay." Michael says while placing his chin on my head, my head still pressed against his shoulder.
To my relief, Michael didn't say anything else for a while and just let me burn out until I finally felt like I was extinguished to my very core.
While drowsiness filled my vision, a hand wrapped around my back and the other below my knees, pulling up without much of an effort.
When he pressed me closer to him, my nose met his warm neck and I frowned. "If you tell anyone-" I started to threaten but he beat me to it.
"And dare to ruin the reputation of the great stone cold Mazikeen Smith." Michael's low voice now near my ear as he extends his wings to take off. "Never."
"Can't say I understand what you're going through." Michael says as he offers me a glass of whiskey. I take it from him as we both lean against the railing, gazing over the city of Los Angeles on the balcony of the suit. "I always had a good relationship with my mother."
"Lucky you." Taking a sip of the drink and letting run down my tongue. I smile when the familiar taste sets in.
"But there were times where I had no clue of her real intentions." He goes on about the pain in the butt Goddess he calls his mother. I never liked that woman. Too full of herself. Dangerous and duplicitous.
"My mother never gave a rats ass about me." I down the drink, and then carelessly let the glass fall down onto the street below. Not even hearing the sound of glass breaking due to the traffic.
"At times I thought I understood her more than the rest of my siblings." Michael empties his, placing his glass on the floor. "But hey, our mothers actually had something in common."
"And what's that?" I say while eyeing the stars.
"They both left us."
I turn my head, to watch Michael eyeing the city with an emptiness and a hint of hurt in his gaze.
I don't have the exact knowledge of how the Goddess was exactly banished to Hell in the first place but what I gather it must have left a void in Michael.
Like Lilith left in me.
"And it's all really because of my goody-two-shoes of a brother." He continues, pulling himself straighter when he eyes me with a slight smile playing on his lips. "Want to hurt Lucifer?"
The corner of my mouth lifts up at his devious words. "Careful, Nightstar."
He laughs. "No one has ever called me that in a long time."
"One might say that your demons are showing."
"I only have one and I'm looking right at her." He says while running circles with his forefinger against the back of my hand lazily. "So, what do you say?" He asks just when I glance up at him.
"You don't need to tell me twice."
I know it's a sad chapter, but I've kind of been feeling down too recently and so I thought why not use my mood to my advantage.
To anyone who feels tired, sad, or utterly depressed sometimes, I want you to know that it will get better. Being sad is totally okay and being broken is a beautiful part of being human. It means we have a soul. But it also doesn't mean it will stay like this forever. It will be okay, and it will get better.
I love you all. Each and every one of you who continue to support me by either adding my book to your favorites, following it, commenting, advising or just reading. It just makes my day a whole lot brighter. Thank you.
Love ya!