You are Here – Melskim
Part III
We left that same afternoon on the boat going to faraway lands. We would do a small stop in the Hindu lands, I was excited by the prospect of seeing what had happened there in the last 25 years.
Once we got on-board, I remembered why I didn't like going that far away. The sea sickness was bad, I didn't remember it that bad though. Soon enough I started abusing those pressure points Xena had tough me about all those years ago. Sweet mercies.
The trip was uncomfortable to say the least. The cabin we were in had a set of bunk beds, I slept in one of the lower ones and Xena in the other, Ares had placed things on the upper one from Xena's, but he did not once slept there.
They prefer being cramped together; Ares would laid on the farthest side with Xena encased in his arms, her head on his chest, her hair cast down covering her face. It was a peaceful sight. In all my years travelling with Xena I had never seen her in such deep slumber.
I was caught staring again one night. Ares moved his head up from where he had been sleeping to look my way. "What?" He mouthed opening his eyes. I said nothing, just kept staring hypnotized.
Moving the arm encasing the sleeping warrior, he started stroking a slow pattern up and down her shoulder. Xena just breathed out contently and buried herself even deeper into him. He asked me again, I realized then that I had not taken my eyes from them yet.
"You finally got her back" I breathed in a harsh whisper.
He stopped the ministrations on "his" princess and glared at me with such intensity I felt affronted for a second… but then again I wasn't being exactly friendly…
The long look tainted with a smirk remained me of when he was a God. "I am going to be with her in any capacity she allows me to, whether you like it or not". He kissed the top of her head like a teenager making a rebellious statement to ignore me afterwards.
Or that is what I thought. I heard his voice again more gentle this time, I had almost drifted back to sleep.
"I've never had her… before… Still cannot believe that she allows me to…" he breathed in. "You can't understand."
He shift his posture in the bed taking Xena's hand in the process. She had always been a light sleeper and she didn't even stir. "I didn't even began to understand it until I became mortal that first time", he kissed her fingers. He continued talking. I couldn't take my eyes from them.
"I've existed since the dawn of time Gabrielle, Seen it all, lived it all. But it wasn't until I met her... I don't think you could ever grasped the immensity of that – of being me, a god – former god - means." I was enchanted listening like he was indeed that god. "Loving her the way I do… – she is… everything", he finished with a breathlessly sigh that sounded like a prayer. She always sounded like a prayer in his lips.
I felt envy. Not because of Ares taking over my friend – no, this time I envied how this man loved her with such devotion and passion so unknown to me, with a love that – coming from him, of all people - surprised me wholly.
I loved her unconditionally, I knew that I would die for her. Give myself for her. But deep down I knew that I would have not let her kill my family – my sister, I would have not let her take or even give her my very essence like he had done when he sacrificed his godhood, his immortality to save her life.
I didn't have anything to say to that statement, so I just looked him in the eye and nodded. I drifted back to sleep thinking of his words while he continued stroking her arm as she was the most precious thing in the face of the planet.
Reaching the coast of Jappa was going to take us more than 2 months. Six weeks after we parted from Greece we spent one night in Hindu, the ship needed provisioning. We were glad to be out of it to stretch our legs. I kissed the ground when we landed for good measure – literally.
We ate at a tavern by the port, rice, bread and heavily spiced curry meat. Ares ordered for us, while talking amicably with the owner of the place. In Hindu! – He was fluent, no Greek accent, like he had been born there. Then I remember his confession I have existed since the dawn of time Gabrielle.
Xena looked at me shuddering her shoulders with a 'what did you expect' look. As I said before, Xena was more carefree and relax than I had ever seen her. I like to think that after all that happened; after all our years together she has finally started to realize that not all the weight of the world was on her shoulders, that she had finally learnt to find peace. Sometimes I like to think that it has nothing to do with Ares.
xxx
That night we got back to the ship. The last days of our trip were passed on the deck, the weather was better company on this part of the world. No more storms in the horizon until our arrival in Jappa.
Xena and Ares passed the time sparing vigorously, it was like watching a complex dance. It also seems different from the anger filled sparing I had seen all those years ago. Ares proved to be a worthy opponent, which have me asking myself how Xena had defeated him all those times when he had been a god.
I voiced my question one afternoon while I was trying to write but my muses where nowhere to be seen.
Ares smirked looking me in the eye with a grin. "It wouldn't have been sportive to use my full force when Xena didn't stand a chance, don't ya think blondie?"
Xena for her part was giving a mock angry glare his way "Even if I didn't have that kind of strength, I did out-master you a few times" her level face turned up in a grin while pushing him with the tip of her sword, "Plus, where would had been the fun?"
I was once again shocked, "You knew he wasn't full force against you?"
"Of course Gabrielle - has Ares been going full godly mode; we wouldn't be here today, as much as it pains me to admit most of the time he was mock-fighting us"
Ares stepped forward, "Which messed with your head greatly, right dear?" Ares said from behind her, playing with a strand of her hair.
"Yes… cut the smug look Ares, now I can beat you with a hand tide to my back…"
"You wanna bet on that, princess?"
And like that the playfulness of the past months returned to them. It was refreshing to see the status quo we had gained since Ares had giving up his place on Olympus to be with Xena returned – I had to admit, it was a good thing.
Xena fell on her butt, Ares sword over her head. I had to suppress a laugh, when she slap his helping hand after it was finished.
"Rematch" Xena breathed between teeth. Pride hurt. They continued sparing throughout the afternoon and into the sunset until Xena kicked his midsection, making his sword fly up to return clattering to the ground. The tip of her sword over his head – her eyes lit alive with fire, breathing hard. "I won" was her triumphant words while she took his hand to help him up. Ares gave her a mock nod, took her hand and pull her to his side kissing her full on the lips.
The kiss grew passionate and I had to look away. Xena kissed him a second time after they parted for air, more lightly and announce she was starving. "I wore you down so fast, princess?" She just shook her head laughing and came over to where I was.
xxx
Things became quieter afterwards, we were planning what we would do once the boat got to port. The dread of the battle coming over us faster than we had liked.
I saw a small changed in her. We had met with Kenji, the monk, days after we set sail from the Hindu coast again. He had rely some information we had not counted on before. The army we would be going up against was larger than we originally thought and was in Higuchi - a city where Xena had been in her old days.
That afternoon Xena gave more details of what had happened, how she had trusted Akemi blindly, how she had been betrayed, but love had made her going back to the city to bury her friend. How she had been denied. How she had retaliated. Kenji's story definitely put a darker tone to what had happened.
The whole city had burned to the ground because of a fire that had spread, blocking everyone inside the city walls when Xena had wanted to bury Akemi. That the souls of 40.000 people had been trapped by a dark force.
I couldn't swallow and felt sick of my stomach when he told us. But the face of Xena had been the worst – she was white as paper.
I told Xena that it wasn't her fault, that it had been a terrible accident. She was drowning in guilt. Her eyes only had regret.
At some point, I went out to the deck to clear my mind and when I got back… – I didn't want to pry – But I hear them shouting before I got into the cabin. I listened.
[Over voice]
"Xena – you couldn't have known…" Matter of fact-ly he told her it wasn't her fault. She looked at him with fury in her eyes.
"That's supposed to make it right?!" She turn to look at him still in anger. "You knew!" She accused.
"Of course I knew! Knowing was kind of my thing! …but I know how you must…" Ares stepped to be near her, to close the gap between their bodies, trying - offering some comfort.
"You know nothing about how I feel" She shouted coming menace towards him. "How can you know? You are a god! You have no regrets! You have no soul!" She said seething, getting even more into his face. "What do you know about human suffering? She was hysterical, I've never seen her so affected by past deeds.
And certainly I had never seen him so devastated by her words…, but the shock lasted only a few seconds and was replaced by un-relented fury.
He was over her in a second, hands gripping tightly her shoulders – almost lifting her from the ground. A gasp of pain escaped her lips. Right there he truly looked like the god he once was.
"I know suffering! I had you dying in my arms remember?!" he spated angrily. "I let you murder my family left and right! For then spent two years alone going over and over the millennia I had existed!" he shouted on her. "You know how many people you kill in a millennia?" he asked gripping her shoulders even tighter, bringer her face even closer – breathing hard. "And if you have forgotten I am no longer a god!" he thundered, fire in his eyes.
It was a match of titans.
"That was your choice!" She yelled back. "But if you miss it so much, you can crawl back to Aphrodite… I am sure your sister could help you there!" She shudder him off and stepped a few paces back when he released her. Her eyes clouded with angry tears.
After a long moment gapping at her hurtful words. Ares relented defeated. His quiet voice surprised me.
"Do you know how many times in those two years I saw myself reflected on each and every helpless villager, men injured or about to die for some war and thought that could be me some day and no one, no one would notice that I was gone?"
She stuttered. "Ares…"
"I know suffering" he repeated. "And even if I don't want it, I also know guilt – humans have guilt… I wasn't made to feel it – gods would be drown mad if they were able to…" She touch his face with the back of her hand, as if trying to give him …something. He lift his hand to meet hers. "I know what you are feeling… but you have to understand that it was an accident and it is in the past, you cannot go there thinking that it was your fault because that will get you kill and I - call me selfish if you will - I cannot lose you."
"Ares, you are not going to lose me", she kissed his palm getting near him.
"Yeah? Are you going to tell me that you are not already planning to do everything in your power to release those souls? Can you swear to me that you will not let yourself kill to release them? – tread places with them?" he asked forcefully. I always noticed in their exchanges, that he always asked questions he already knew the answer of.
"Mine is the way of the warrior. Warriors die, Ares" She replied tired, trying to make him understand that her quest to redemption once again.
"Do not profess to me like I was one of your little friends… I am War! I'm the ultimate warrior, I know…", and he did look like a god then. Twisting her arm and being the condescending bastard he had always been.
"I will do everything in my power to…." She started replying forcefully.
"Don't dare lie to me Xena" he roared. "You and I know what the price would be". He wasn't backing down, and for once I was glad he wasn't.
"I will do everything in my power…" he was shaking his head while she repeated her line at vain… and then sighing she continued, "I promise you I will not do anything to get myself killed – I don't go back on my promises, do I?" she finished with a charming smile.
She was trying to lighten the mood. He wasn't buying it. "Swear it on your honor as a warrior", he said and for one second I thought that she wasn't going to.
"I swear it" She said looking at him in the eyes. He kissed her then and could swear I hear him saying 'thank you'.
She beckoned him closer, hug him as if hugging him would make all problems go away. "I love you" she said when she released him. I hear him chuckled and saw him pull the strap of her leathers down kissing her collarbone. "I love you Xena" He said fervently and I saw their hands going lower, kissing deeply lost in passion and ecstasy. Their declarations of love and ministrations took me back to the present, there behind a semi open door I bit my lip and turn around. I did not return until well enter the night.
[End of over-voices]
In the aftermath they had gotten re-dress, when I enter the room Xena and Ares were fast asleep. He was holding her tight; I am pretty sure he was trying to make some of the guilt go away, get her ride of some of the pain.
While I was gone, I reflected on what I had hear. Two things stayed on my mind. The first what was that about Ares had been talking about and second, I will also not let her sacrifice herself.
xxx
The last week of our almost 2 month's imprisonment in that awful ship turned out to be not only terrible to me – as normally all my travels by boat - but also for Xena.
One morning she woke up later than normal and when she did, all I saw from her was a blur of raven hair. Head bended over the railing of the ship. When it happened a second time the next morning I had to ask.
She denied it, of course. Write it off as having eaten something rotten the day before. I knew better, she knew better.
That last week, I'd never seen Ares so attentive of her. Well, maybe when she broke her wrist all those months ago. If that didn't spoke volumes of the special of her predicament, nothing would.
It wasn't until our last night that the mouse got out of the house. Xena had been nauseous all day and Ares had been chasing her like a kicked puppy; giving her water, rubbing her lower back…
Me, I kept my distance, I knew Xena. She needed to be comfortable with her new situation before she even acknowledge it. I was patient. Let's just say that that last day Ares wasn't.
"I told you I don't want to lay down!" I heard her shouting in the deck. She was stomping back to our room. Ares right on her heels.
"You need rest! You haven't eaten since yesterday!" He continued fuming, not caring how loud they were being. I could see around me a couple of sailors that to my surprise were betting in who would win the screaming match. Gods! It wasn't the first time there were bets on them.
"I can take care of myself Ares!" Xena shouting while trying to close the door in his face. He put his foot it seems. Next thing I know, he is pulling her so her body is crushing on his and then I heard it.
"I will not let you endanger your health! Not ever and not now that you are caring my child!" Her angry stare broke, she looked at him a couple of seconds in a spiteful way and then looked away sighing. He lower his head and released the strong hold he had placed on her shoulders.
I gave the sailors my dinars.
When it comes to their relationship, I should have known that Xena not always was the winner.
xxx
That night Xena told me she was pregnant with Ares' baby. I used my most neutral face. I didn't had the heart to tell her I already knew.
"Are you happy?" I dared asked when Ares when to fetch our dinner.
"I…" She broke off looking down and touched her belly. "What kind of live can a child of Ares and me have?" She went to look over the small window we had in the room. "Every time I try to raise my children something terrible happens..." She whispered with a heavy palpable dread.
I haven't seen her this insecure in my live, not even when eve was born and all Olympus was after us. She continue with a voice that broke my heart to pieces. "What if I start thinking that this time… that this time… that things will be different, that ..." she was rambling.
I touch her shoulder and brought her to me. "Xena" I called her name to get her attention, "Listen to me, everything will be fine", I ensured. "This child is lucky… he or she already have people that love them…" I told her hoping with all my strength and praying to all the gods that still listen that I was right.
Ares would go to the north of the island, apparently he knew a warlord on those parts, one that owned him a favor. We needed men and for the looks of it we needed them fast.
Xena and I would head to the city the warrior princess had placed siege all those years ago. My stomach balled in knots to what was waiting for us.
xxxx
The broken wrist in this chapter gives a reference to RowanDarkstar's story "Listening", if you haven't read it yet, please do yourself a favor and do it now. Is absolutely breathtaking.