Caring for Severus, Part VII
The new routine was very tolerable. Poppy arrived mid-morning each day, after Severus had had a shower, and his hair and teeth brushed by Harry. It took her less than half the time it had taken Harry to apply the unguent, and then she was on her way, while Harry had a cup of tea waiting for Severus in the sitting room.
Tolerable. They talked in the evenings, as much as they ever had, especially about Defence and magical theory, and if sketching lesson plans together was Harry's idea of reminding Severus that they did, indeed, have interests in common, he was exceedingly subtle about it.
Yes...tolerable. Except, that after a few days, it was not tolerable. Severus fairly itched with missing Harry's hands on his body. And the thought of being a desperate old pervert did little to soothe the awful mood that untempered libido had put him in.
"Harry," he barked, "How in Merlin's name am I supposed to eat this?"
Harry looked down at the pumpkin soup the elves had left. "I could transfigure you a straw?"
A snort of disgust was his only answer to that.
"Shall I feed it to you, then?" Harry asked coolly. He accepted Severus' taciturn mood, but didn't coddle him about it, for which Severus was grateful.
"If you must." Severus pretended a sigh, but was in fact already relaxing into the feeling of having Harry's steadying hand on his shoulder, and the rest of him in close proximity as he brought the spoon to Severus' lips.
His cheeks burned, suddenly, as a memory recurred. He had dreamed, last night, of a figure with a hand wrapped around his erection, leaning in close to kiss him.
He had occluded, fiercely, upon waking up. But he could still recall the identity of the dream figure.
It was mere suggestion, Severus knew. He had learned that Harry had feelings for him, and thus his subconscious, naturally, wondered about what course those feelings might take, if they were allowed to.
So many unknowns to examine. What it might be like to be sexually intimate with another person. Especially a man. Then, what Harry in particular might be like-Harry, with his ready affection, and maddening touch, and the way he seemed to know Severus' vulnerabilities, without scorning them.
Harry was of a generous spirit. He might not mind a lover who had no idea what they were doing. Even if that lover were a sad, ugly, forty year-old man.
"Is it too hot?" Harry asked anxiously, leaning toward him, close enough for his breath to warm Severus' cheek.
Severus swallowed.
He doubted his erection was the appropriate response to pumpkin soup.
xxxx
Over the next week, the tension became agonising. Even more so because Severus seemed to be the only one experiencing it-Harry was apparently oblivious to Severus' daily struggles not to scream.
He'd used the past few days to go round and round in his head, analysing and justifying every aspect of why it was not a good idea to pursue a romantic relationship with Harry Potter.
The first and most obvious reason was that Severus wasn't in love with him. Yes, he admired Harry's character, craved his social and physical attention, enjoyed sharing a living space with him, and was looking forward to their future together. But none of that was being in love.
No. Being in love was that heart-fluttery awkward feeling he'd always had when Lily...
Severus stopped. He'd been a teenager when he'd felt that way for Lily. Perhaps adult love felt a different way?
He waved the thought away; this was all academic. He was not pursuing Harry.
The next aspect worthy of consideration was how important Harry's friendship had become to Severus. It was a cornerstone of his life, now, however Severus may wish for independence.
If a romantic relationship were attempted, and went sour, it would no doubt take the friendship with was, after all, the kind of good, solid thinking that had kept Severus from confessing to Lily for nearly two decades.
And yet, Harry was not Lily. He'd moved on gracefully from the embarrassment of the revelation of his own feelings, never doing awkward things like gawking at Severus in the shower, or making flirtatious overtones. He'd never asked for more.
He'd forgiven Severus for not returning his feelings.
This logically suggested that there was a chance that even if the relationship were to fall foul, their friendship would recover. Severus noted that Harry had spoken of seeing Ginerva the other day at the Burrow, without complaining in any way about his ex-girlfriend.
But, there were other, perhaps pettier, but no less real, concerns. Severus was academic; Harry, poorly read. And the difference between their financial statuses would cause issues- Severus would never be a 'kept man'.
Harry was famous; Severus, infamous. If their mere friendship attracted gossip and gored reactions from Harry's friends, a romantic relationship might undo all Harry's good work in the service of Severus' public image.
Severus could only imagine what Minerva might think. Relationships between colleagues were incestuous at the best of times; between colleagues that shared a teacher-student dynamic not so long ago, they were downright scandalous, if made public.
Not to mention the persistent background homophobia of the wizarding world.
Perhaps that was the pettiest concern of all. Would Severus feel disgust at touching Harry? Giving another man a hand job could not be so very different than humouring himself, but could he put a man's penis in his mouth? Kiss a person whose jaw was rough with stubble?
Possibly. But he could not imagine any scenario in which he would like to be penetrated by another man. He rather struggled to imagine Harry enjoying such a thing either. In his admittedly limited understanding of homosexual relationships, he'd always assumed one man tended to be on top, whilst the other usually assumed the less-dominant position. Completely unbidden, an image of Draco Malfoy on his hands and knees came to mind, with Harry leaning over him, smile fond.
Severus sat bolt upright in his chair.
He was jealous.
Jealous of the idea of Harry with another man.
Which meant...
He pictured Harry with Ginerva Weasley. Nothing. Not even irritation.
He pictured Harry with Hermione Granger. Suddenly, a muscle in his jaw tightened.
Ginerva was not a threat, because she was a past lover, found wanting. But just imagining Draco or Granger with Harry made him want to hex their faces off.
Somehow, his subconscious had decided that Harry was his. Yet this was very much not the case...
"Professor? You're a bit quiet. Everything okay?"
Severus looked up at the bright green eyes staring at him. Worried.
Lily's eyes...
Was this feeling unfaithful to Lily's memory?
He cleared his throat.
"Harry...if Ginerva Weasley had died during the war. How long do you think you might have mourned her before deeming it decent to move on?"
He had no idea why he'd asked such a stupidly leading question aloud, and Harry blinked warily a few times, giving the question thought.
"It would have been different...to end with all that potential hanging in the air, than how we did, because of an argument." He murmured. "I don't think there would've been a 'right' length of time. It might have been a few months, it might have been the rest of my life. We have a tendency to idealise people when they die young, don't we?" Harry shrugged. "Guess I would have listened to my feelings. Rather doubt that Gin, even mad-at-me Gin, would want me to be miserable my whole life in memory of her."
"No." Severus said softly. "She wouldn't."
xxxx
Severus stayed up most of that night, tossing and turning after Harry had put him to bed. In the morning, he grumbled as Harry fed him breakfast and brushed his teeth.
He grabbed at Harry's hand, as he went to call for Poppy.
"Don't." He said.
"Don't?" Harry's breath caught.
"I would prefer a return to our original arrangement, I think." Severus said carefully.
"Oh." Harry frowned.
"You object?"
"You might have to be clearer about which 'original' arrangement. After all, our original arrangement, on the first day we met, was that you hated me." Harry said wryly.
Severus winced. "Insufferable child! Why must you remind us of our staggering age difference when I am trying to broach-"
"Broach what, Professor?"
"This!" Severus fairly spat, and squeezed Harry's hand, rubbing the palm with his thumb.
"Oh." Harry's voice went soft.
"I was...hoping we could dismiss Poppy from service and see where more protracted physical interaction took us."
There was shining wonder in Harry's green eyes. "You want," he breathed "...to try a relationship? With me? Really?"
"Is it so surprising?"
"Kind of, yeah." Harry laughed, brows raising. "Aside from the obvious complication-the both-being-blokes part-I sort of doubt I've got much to offer you-I mean, you're brilliant at everything and I'm, well, a half-wit by your standards."
"You are rash, undisciplined, and unstudied, but you are not an idiot, Harry." Severus replied.
"No," Harry agreed, taking a step closer. "I'm not." He smiled and ran his fingers through a wisp of Severus' hair, tucking it back behind his ear. He let his palm trace the contour of Severus' cheek, searching his fathomless dark eyes for sign that this was real.
Severus reached out and took Harry's glasses off and folded them, setting them aside.
Harry frowned. "Wait. This isn't...about my mother, is it?"
Severus' cheeks coloured. "No, it is most certainly not. Though you have just reminded me that this conceit is a veritable minefield of social taboos."
Harry huffed a laugh. "I know. But...Severus," the way he said it loaded the name with longing "that doesn't make this wrong."
"We shall see." Severus' own voice grew unsteady. He closed his eyes as Harry moved closer, heart beating erratically.
There it was. The fluttering.
Harry was taller than him, sitting as he was in the chair, so Severus had to tilt his face upward to meet his lips.
Severus reached shakily for Harry's neck to draw him closer, hoping it was not apparent that he had no idea what he was doing. Harry closed his mouth, applying gentle pressure to Severus' closed lips, then drew back a tiny way and repeated the motion.
After three or four of these kisses, Harry let his mouth open a touch wider, the wetness inside brushing against Severus' lips. He copied the action, trembling when he heard a soft sound of approval come from Harry's throat.
Harry drew back, as if checking that Severus were in accord, then returned, more passionate, the touch of his lips and tongue seeking Severus' own; his fingertips gliding through the hair over Severus' ear.
Severus hummed-a deep noise at the base of his throat. He felt, rather than saw, Harry smile as he kissed him again. The moment stretched longer-was kissing supposed to last forever?
Then, too soon, Harry was pulling back, smiling fit to burst.
"You know, you're rather like a cat." He ran his fingers through Severus' hair affectionately. "You like being petted, but only on your terms."
Severus hardly knew what to say to that. He felt over-exposed, terrified that at any moment, Harry was going to laugh.
Something of this must have shown on his face, because Harry's brow furrowed. "No, that's not-I wasn't making fun. I know touch is a big deal for you."
Shame bled through Severus' cheeks.
Worse if this was pity!
He pulled back, glaring fiercely.
"No, please-I know because it was for me too!" Harry cried, reaching forward to place warm hands either side of Severus' shoulders. "When I first came to Hogwarts, and, suddenly, people were shaking hands with me and clapping me on the shoulder, and Hermione was flying at me with hugs-it was all a bit overwhelming. Because, before I'd never really-that's what I mean."
Harry's eyes implored him to understand.
"I think, maybe, you know what that's like, is all." Harry said, his thumb coming up to brush affectionately over Severus' chin.
Severus swallowed.
"I do." He admitted.
"So, touch means more, I think, to people like us." The same hand traced down Severus' forearm and grasped his hand, interlinking their fingers.
Severus' eyes cast down at the entwined hands then back up to meet Harry's gaze. "It does."
"I think it was touching you that made me realise. How much I want you. How much I want to hear you feel good." Harry brushed his cheek against Severus' own as he drew close again.
"Hear me?" Severus intoned.
"You've got a particularly sexy voice." Harry grinned. "Especially when you're moaning."
"I will never again trust in the altruism of Gryffindors." Severus replied archly. "Those massages of yours..."
"I really did want you to heal-just wanted you to have fun doing it." Harry shrugged, and leaned in to kiss him again. "Seems to me you've had your quota of hardships. Time for the other stuff."
Severus raised an eyebrow. "For someone usually so rash, you're doing a lot of talking..."
Harry grabbed him then, and began kissing him in earnest. Severus felt the hot graze of stubble as Harry pushed past and latched on to the left side of his neck, sucking and scraping his teeth over the region.
The sensation rocketed to his groin.
"Ummph." Severus groaned, and pulled him down sharply until Harry was half-sprawled in his lap. Severus sliding his hand past Harry's taut nipple and up to his shoulder, where he yanked Harry's neck down to Severus' mouth-height to return the favour.
"Fuck." Harry panted. "Not to sound too forward but, this might be easier in your bed."
Severus froze. He recovered quickly, but Harry had seen.
"Only if you want to. Like you said, I'll do, well, what I did for you before. Only, properly this time."
Severus shook his head. "I don't yet have the stamina to do the same for you."
Harry just shrugged. "That's okay. I can sort myself out if you like."
Severus cocked his head, scrutinizing the flush in Harry's cheek, the deft reflexes evident in the way he held his limbs, the soft pout of his kiss-bitten lip.
"I think I would like to see that."
xxxx
Harry had propped him up in bed, against a couple of pillows, and straddled him, sitting just above Severus' lap. His arse was grinding up and down onto Severus' very prominent, pyjama-striped erection, whilst he laved his tongue against Severus' neck.
Severus was fairly certain by this stage in the proceedings that he would prefer to be on top, but his ailments would hardly allow it, and Harry was slight enough that he didn't feel too threatening.
The youth's fingers were unbuttoning his shirt, as he kissed messily down and flicked his tongue over Severus' nipple.
"Ah-ahh!" Severus bucked, ready to explode.
"Should I?" Harry panted.
"Do you need a graven invitation?" Severus gasped, fairly pushing Harry off his lap and onto the bed beside him.
"God I've wanted to do this, like this, for so long!" Harry exclaimed, pulling at the draw strings of his pyjama pants. "I've never seen a cock I wanted to touch so badly."
"Get on and do it then!" Severus barked.
Harry Accioed the unguent and slid determined hands up either side of Severus' thigh.
"That really is a monster cock, you know." Harry grinned. "You could terrify a few blokes in the dorm with that."
Before Severus could complain further, Harry began slicking his shaft.
Severus bit back a moan.
"I want to hear you." Harry goaded him, pressing a kiss to his open, panting lips. "Don't hold back. Come apart for me."
Severus groaned and panted as Harry pumped his cock, the hand rolling a sensuous palm over his head.
Harry pressed open-mouthed kisses to his ribs, nipple, stomach, hip and thigh, nipping and sucking wherever he could reach.
Severus was rocking with pleasure, and barely had time to groan Harry's name in warning before he was bellowing his release.
He slumped backward, eyes sliding to meet the warm, pleased gaze of the other occupant of his bed. Harry leaned forward, using his dry hand to lovingly brush the hair off Severus' dampened brow.
"That was so good, you were so good to watch." Harry kissed his cheek, tasting his sweat there. "Thank you." He wandlessly accioed a washcloth, and cleaned Severus up, tucking him back into his pyjamas.
"Turnabout...is fair play." Severus breathed.
He pushed his hand into the open fly of Harry's jeans, and rubbed at springy hardness he felt there. A dark oval of precome marked the front of Harry's underwear.
It was...exciting...to know he had caused that.
"Show me."
Harry flicked an eye up. "I don't quite measure up, you realise."
Severus gave a short, derisive laugh. "Of the two of us, you ought to be the least concerned
about your physique. You are young and athletic and striking."
"I am?"
Severus nodded, voice low. "You have a wild beauty that comes over you, when you duel or in flight. The Latin nations call it duende. You have it now."
He kissed the back of Harry's hand.
"Fuck, Severus, how has half the castle not gone to bed with you?" Harry asked, shy and disbelieving.
Severus gave a half-smile, avoiding all the bitter, obvious answers he might give; instead saying: "I have not asked them."
Harry smiled, and withdrew his cock. It was a respectable size, pink-tipped, with a purple vein running back to a thick thatch of dark hair. He bit his lip as he slid his hand into place.
"May I?" Severus curled his own shaky hand around the shaft, inside Harry's own hand, so that he could still govern the movement.
"Your hands-they're so...Never thought I'd see them do this." Harry breathed, beginning his stroke.
"Look at me, Harry." Severus demanded. "Nowhere but in my eyes."
The concentrated attention caused Harry's brow to crease. "I...I can't..." he stammered.
"You will." Severus insisted, clamping his fist a little tighter around his handful for a moment, enjoying Harry's whimpered response. It was quite a power trip, he reflected, giving pleasure to another.
Harry had sped up.
"Severus, I..." he breathed.
His eyes screwed shut, as he gasped and came over their joined hands.
The pulse felt alkaline and soapy. Severus drew back his hand, gave the substance a tentative lick, then pulled a disgusted face.
Harry laughed, cleaning himself up. "It's not supposed to taste good."
"How women manage to perform fellatio is beyond me." He frowned.
"Problem for another day." Harry sighed, tugging up his jeans and rolling in closer so he could put an arm around Severus and rest his head on his lover's bared chest.
"The cuddling afterward is the best part." He said, looking up at Severus.
The warmth seeping from Harry's body made him inclined to agree, though it was a thought he vowed never to voice.
"What's your take on the experiment then?" Harry asked him quietly, after some time had passed.
"Quite pleasant." Severus replied.
"Was it only the sex issue holding you back?" Harry asked the ceiling of the canopied bed.
"I do not, in general, find men appealing." Severus replied. "But you are, apparently, the exception. I do not know how I will feel about other acts beyond this that you might envision."
"I'm not sure myself." Harry shrugged. "I'm pretty keen to try sucking your cock, but we never have to go any further than that if you don't want to."
"The idea of penetrative sex makes me uncomfortable." Severus admitted.
"Well, I don't have much experience with it, and none with men, and I assume you were a virgin, so we can take it very slow." Harry said.
"You assume?" Severus' voice was suddenly cold.
"I don't mean that in a bad way. It's pretty obvious you're a romantic, and you were in love with...the same woman for a long time." Harry said gently. "Was I wrong?"
Severus' cheeks coloured. "You do not find it pathetic that a man could reach my age and never have...?"
"No!" He leaned up and placed a kiss on Severus' mouth. "I think it's honorable that you're the kind of person where intimacy means love. At least, I hope it does."
He laughed awkwardly when Severus made no reply. "I'm also hoping that getting some on the regular improves your temperament."
"Don't count on it." Severus replied.
Harry just smiled fondly. "You wouldn't be you if you weren't a grouch. I wouldn't know what to do with you if you suddenly stopped being..."
"Misanthropic?" Severus supplied.
"Yeah. That. I'd be concerned about Imperio."
"So you would be content in a relationship with things between us being...much as they are now? Just this?" Severus tried to keep the hopeful tone out of his own voice.
"This is already quite a lot." Harry firmed the grip of his hand over Severus' heart.
"I...concur."
Harry beamed. "Brilliant."
He leaned in to kiss Severus once more, then sat up.
"Now roll on your side. I still owe you the rest of that massage."
xxxx
That night, Severus awoke from a nightmare, voice hoarse. There was a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Nightmare got me half an hour ago...been awake ever since." Harry said quietly, face barely lit by the blue glow of a Lumos. "Yours sounded like a bad one though."
Severus swallowed.
"The Astronomy Tower." He rasped, as though holding the very words back.
"Oh, Severus." Harry opened his arm and bundled the other man close, rubbing a hand down his back. "That wasn't your fault."
Severus shook then. Harry felt tears soak into his shoulder. He seemed to cry violently, as Harry held him, as though finally given permission.
"You helped him-more than anyone else did or could. You know that." He said firmly to the crown of Severus' head.
Severus clung to Harry with an iron grip, ashamed of his weakness, afraid to pull back-for his face to be seen in this state. He almost began to occlude, when Harry spoke:
"I loved that man like he was my grandfather, but he always expected too much from you." Harry said. "He made you see things, do things that were beyond human. It was cruel. Worse than anything he ever asked of me."
He kissed the top of that inky head, and tried to draw the man back to look at his red, puffy eyes. "But you don't have to be more than human any more, alright? I'll always love you. No matter what you do, or what you've done, you'll never scare me off."
"I have never known that kind of forgiveness." Severus' voice was subdued.
"You've always deserved more kindness than you got. I'm sort of annoyed that Mum didn't show you that." Harry confided. "I mean, it's pretty terrible to speak ill of the woman who gave her life for me-and you knew her so much better than I got to-but since I found out what ruined your friendship, it's been bothering me that she didn't mend things between you. I know it's a terrible word, but she must have known what you're like."
Severus harrumphed. "What am I like?"
"You lash out when you're hurting." Harry said. "You're allergic to apologies. And you can be a petty prick, as you well know. But a lot of that's performance-like the evil dungeon bat routine, and once you know that, the barbs don't really hurt. I mean, I know you followed Voldemort for real-for power and prestige and the forbidden lure of the Dark Arts and all- but did you ever really believe in blood supremacy?"
Severus blinked. "No."
"I figured. You're too smart to accept something so illogical. I like to think she'd have realised that, eventually, and forgiven you if the war hadn't come to a head."
Harry chuckled darkly. "Maybe I should be glad she didn't, or I might not exist."
Severus murmured, "I'm glad you exist, Harry."
He let the inferences of that statement present themselves to his lover.
xxxx
Epilogue:
"No." Severus ground out.
"It's the next logical step..."
"A wheelchair denotes an invalid, which is bad enough. A walking-frame denotes a decrepit old man. I will use a cane."
"Until you build back your muscle tone, Pomfrey said a walking-frame is safer!" Harry glared, snapped his fingers, and conjured the metal apparatus in the middle of their living room.
Severus blinked.
Harry was getting more powerful.
Severus stood up from the chair shakily, and levelled his best teacherly glare at Harry, using his full height for the first time in their relationship.
The effect was diminished somewhat since he was clad in pyjamas.
"I will only use that thing under the condition that no one other than you sees me do so. No impromptu visitors of any kind until the infernal contraption is Vanished. Understood?"
Harry tutted and rushed the device over to him.
"Shame." Harry mused, grinning as Severus acclimated himself to said contraption. "George was so looking forward to you coming round this Sunday lunch. He had sound effect charms picked out and everything."
Severus snorted.
He knew, without need for comment, that Harry would never let any of his little friends pull a childish prank on him. Not after the Marauders. Both of them knew about humiliation. Both of them had wronged the other too often, and owed the other too much, to make room in their relationship for anything other than caring and trust.
And it was going well. Better than Severus could have imagined, two months ago, when he'd accepted Harry into his bed.
As if to underscore this point, Harry leaned over the frame and tilted his head up to press his lips to Severus' own. He lingered, mouth open slightly, but drew away before they got heated.
"Thanks for doing this, old man."
"That's the last we shall have of that epithet." Severus mock scowled, tugging at a lock of Harry's unruly hair, before cupping his face. "I am not fooled. You just want me in the frame because it's far simpler than caring for me in the chair."
Harry laughed, and ran each of his hands over Severus' shoulders and down his arms, drawing him gently closer, so he could properly encircle Severus' waist.
"Because we're both well-known for doing things the easy way."
Severus shut him up with a kiss.
The End