Hey all! I posted this 9x01 fic on AO3 yesterday and I was going to post it here, but Fanfiction was giving me issues. It is not how the episode went down but I figured I would still post it over here anyway!

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Title from "Shelter" by Joy Oladokun

"You didn't answer my question."

The words are out of Hailey's mouth before she can stop herself and she blames the fact that her brain has been a mess since she even asked the initial question she is referring to.

It's been one hundred and ten hours. One hundred and ten hours of fear and confusion and anxiety.

It's been one hundred and ten hours since she killed Roy.

Since then, the team has spent the better part of the past one hundred and ten hours looking for a man that is dead. A man that Hailey killed. Voight doesn't seem phased by it all and she wonders if he is so confident in his ability to find a body that he is not scared. Hailey hopes and prays she never gets to that point.

During that time, Hailey has been terrified. She does not think she has slept at all, and she does not remember the last meal she has had. The only thing she knows is the three pictures that are constantly alternating in her mind.

Roy's lifeless body, the image that fills her with guilt.

Voight's lifeless eyes, the image that fills her with rage.

Jay's disappointed face, the image that fills her with fear.

He's the one good thing in her life. The one constant in the chaos and the one thing, the only thing, that makes her feel truly safe. So, in her moment of terror, when she thought everything was crashing down, she did the only thing that she knew to do.

She ran to him.

And she proposed.

Hailey did not plan on proposing on the drive home that night but her mind was so hyperfocused on not losing Jay that she is not completely surprised by the question she asked him. The only thing she wanted at that moment was a guarantee that she would not lose him. Because if she lost him, she would have truly lost everything.

But he didn't say yes, at least not right away.

"Hailey, we need to talk about this. Properly. Please, let's talk about this."

But they both agreed to wait to have that conversation until after they went to the hospital. Hailey naturally assumed they would go, check on Kim, come home and pass out and the next morning Jay would be asking questions about her spontaneous proposal.

But they got caught up in a case looking for a man that Hailey killed. It's been chaos chaos chaos and Hailey slowly slipping a little bit more with each passing minute.

Until now. Four and a half days later. One hundred and ten hours after her proposal.

They are just coming home from yet another long day of work, the team short-handed and emotionally struggling. She knows Jay can tell there is something off and he's probably attributing it to the same reason everyone is off: Kim.

And he's not completely wrong. Almost losing Kim did make her see that she never wanted to lose Jay. But it's a bit more complicated than that.

Hailey's not quite sure what prompts the question tonight. Maybe it's exhaustion or maybe it's that ever-living fear that she is going to lose him. But either way, her mouth works quicker than her brain and she is bringing up the proposal before she can talk herself out of it.

"What question?" Jay stops in his tracks, standing in the middle of the living room as she walks over towards the kitchen and leans against the counter.

"From the other night," Hailey says, trying to sound nonchalant like his answer isn't one of the many things that have been weighing on her mind since that night.

"I thought we said we were going to talk?"

"Okay," Hailey murmurs. "So, let's talk."

He cocks his head at her, eyes leveled as he quietly studies her for a moment. "Hailey, it's been a hell of a week. We should sleep more than four hours before we have an important conversation like that."

"If you're gonna say no, just say it," the words fall out of her mouth, shocking even Hailey. She can't lie and say she hasn't been scared that he is going to say no, but she has tried to push that thought out of her mind. But it's become harder and harder without knowing his answer and with the guilt of what she did worsening every day.

"You think I am going to say no?" Jay whispers, finally taking a tentative step towards her.

"Well, you didn't say anything, so-"

Jay clicks his tongue and shakes his head but does not say anything. Instead, he simply reaches for her hand and gives it a tug, leading her into the bedroom. He sits her down on the edge of the unmade bed before moving to one of the drawers where he keeps some of his things. They have not officially had the moving-in talk but over time, Hailey has started clearing out more and more of her drawers and closet space for him and she knows it's only a matter of time.

Or, maybe it's not, depending on how this conversation goes.

Jay rummages for another moment before he pulls something out and grasps it tightly in his hand. Quickly, he shuts the drawer before turning around to face her again.

"You think this is me saying no?" He sits down next to her on the bed and holds out his hand towards her, opening it up to reveal a small box. "I've had this for three months."

Tentatively, Hailey reaches out towards the box in his hand, her fingers tracing the edges before she takes it from him. She holds it in her hands for a few seconds, looking at him for permission and when he nods, she slowly opens it, choking back tears when she sees the ring.

"I saw it and I knew it was yours," Jay says quietly, his eyes watching her as she stares at the ring still in its box. "I knew it was a little early to propose but I knew when I did, that was the ring I was going to use."

"Jay, I-" she looks up at him, trying to find the words to say something, anything, but she's so in shock by the diamond in her hand that she looks down at it again, feeling as if any second, it could disappear.

"You know I almost got married before," Jay continues. "I've almost done it the wrong way with the wrong person. So, when we met, I vowed I would do it right."

"Jay-"

"Me not answering you right away was not me saying no. Because clearly, I want to marry you," he nods towards the proof she is holding in her hands. "But I want to make sure we do it right. And just with everything that has happened these past few days, I needed to be sure we were doing this right before I gave you my answer."

Hailey looks back down at the ring, passing the box from one hand to another. She feels its weight, touches its edges and sees that it's real not just some figment of her imagination. Jay was really going to propose to her. He really wants to spend forever with her.

"I was scared," Hailey whispers, eyes still glued on the box in her hand. "Between how things have been going with us lately and almost losing Kim, I just got really freaked out. And I've just made so many decisions that-"

"I know," Jay murmurs, reaching for her one hand, grasping it firmly between both of his. Hailey clutches the open ring box in her other hand, gazing up at Jay with watery eyes. "I know you're scared."

"There's stuff I've done that you don't know about," Hailey looks back down at the ring box. It's the closest she can get to telling him what actually happened one hundred and ten hours ago.

For the past few days, every time she has thought about telling him, she has immediately heard Voight's voice in her head, telling her the millions of reasons that it's a bad idea.

"It's safer if no one knows."

"I'll take care of this. Just stay quiet. Everything will be okay."

"We need Jay just the way he is."

Maybe telling Jay will ruin him. Maybe it will fill him with a rage that he has never known before. Or maybe if the truth ever comes out, he will get caught up in it.

Maybe keeping the secret is killing her from the inside out but if it keeps Jay safe, if it allows him to stay the good thing she loves, then she will gladly bear this burden alone.

He squeezes her hand with both of his before removing his left hand, lifting it to cup her chin. He tilts her face up to look up at him and when her eyes lock with his, he breaks into a comforting smile.

"I know," he murmurs. "But none of that matters. You and us are the only things that matter."

'Jay, you say that but-"

"But I mean it," he cuts her off gently. 'It doesn't matter how much we disagree or what choices you've made on the job that I don't agree with. None of that changes the fact that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She wants to tell him. There is a voice in her head that is screaming so loud for her to tell him what happened with Roy that she swears, Jay is able to hear it. But she also wants to protect him. And she does not know how to do both.

Hailey's never known a good thing about love, not before she met Jay. She wonders if, in love, it's okay to be selfish. If it's okay to keep secrets to protect the person you love.

"That sounds a lot like a proposal."

"Consider it a proposal for a proposal," he laughs quietly. "Because I think we should talk about this more. But I need you to know that my answer is yes. I will marry you, Hailey."

The tears well in her throat and she can't help but lean forward and catch her lips with his. She doesn't have the words right now for any of it but by the way his mouth opens under hers, she thinks he gets what she can't say.

I love you

I need you

Thank you for staying

"I want to be with you," Hailey breathes out against his kiss. "I want forever. I don't want to lose you."

His thumb brushes against her skin, wiping away the few tears that have fallen, and he smiles. "You're not gonna lose me. We're gonna get forever. I promise."

Hailey doesn't say anything. She just rests her forehead against his, relishing in the simple silence, praying that they could live in this moment forever.

"Do you want to keep that?" Jay whispers and Hailey pulls her head back slowly, looking at him in confusion.

"The ring," Jay elaborates with a chuckle. "Do you want to keep that?"

Hailey shakes her head and closes the ring box before placing it back in Jay's hand. "You keep it. I trust you to give it to me when the times right."

His free hand comes to rest over hers, clasping it and the ring box between both of his hands. "You're sure you're okay with this? I know maybe it's not the answer you were expecting."

In all honestly, Hailey didn't care about the marriage proposal. Weddings and marriage certificates have never been her thing. She cared about forever. And with him sitting here giving her promises of forever and always, she thinks that whatever comes next, it might just be alright.

"Yeah," she whispers quietly. "I just want you."

He smiles and leans forward to kiss her again slowly. With the feel of his lips against hers, it's the first time that she has not seen the three alternating faces flashing in her mind in one hundred and ten hours. It's the first time she feels anything even resembling safety and calm.

She's scared about the future. About what happens with Roy and what happens with them. She's scared about the guilt eating away at her and she is also scared about what happens if Jay finds out. She can't help but wonder if he will look at her differently or if he will decide that he does not want forever after all.

So, she holds onto him, her safety, hard and tight. Because she does not know how long she will have this safety and she does not know if this forever will last.

And maybe it's selfish to try and live in this moment. But she loves him and he's her one good thing she can't lose. So, she holds on, as selfish as it may be.