Convalescence Chapter 1, a star wars fanfic

A/N: Hey, friends! Thanks for stopping by! I'll put a more detailed warning at the end of this chapter, but I wanted to make this warning very clear, as I don't want anyone to become hurt or upset by this piece:

***This fic has mentions and descriptions of sexual assault and self-harm.*** If anything of this nature triggers you, I implore you to be the best advocate for yourself and tread carefully.

I have more detailed warnings in the ending author's note, but I just wanted to make this part crystal clear so you can make the informed choice of whether or not to consume this material.

Also, just a friendly reminder that I'm not necessarily looking for constructive criticism on my work- thank you to those who took the time to try to help me improve my writing, but I know my brain, and I'll fixate on it and feel really insecure for a while.

Thank you!

"Father?" Luke asked, lightly rapping his knuckles on the doorframe. Unable to even bite out an invitation to enter, Vader stood on his personal balcony, his tightening grip on the railing daring to compete with the strength of durasteel.

"Are you alright?" Damn him, Vader thought. How dare he shift the concern at a time like this? How could he possibly? At this moment, he could only loathe how much the boy took after his mother's altruism.

Vader felt the boy approach closer, stepping out onto the balcony alongside him. Anxiety built upon curiosity in Luke's Force presence, making for a flurry of unasked questions he could feel he was only barely managing to hold back.

"What's going on?"

Angling his head away, setting his jaw, Vader sighed as much as his respirator would allow.

"Luke," he managed, forcing his tone to be somewhat even. "I must know I have your full honesty."

"Of course, Father," Luke said, a thread of astonishment in his words. "What makes you think you wouldn't?" Vader curled his fingers around the railing even tighter, practically bending the metal. How was he to do this? How was anyone in this twisted galaxy supposed to approach their child about this? Yes, there were parenting manuals, guide books, and even damn classes on how to properly raise a child, but there was no such teaching method that explained how to ask your child something of this nature.

"Father?"

He couldn't look at him. Force, he could not bear to lay eyes on the boy.

"Please, talk to me." Another sharp pang resounded deep within his core as he was once again painfully reminded of his late wife.

He sighed once more, emitting closer to a growl from his vocabulator. If he could just form the words…

"Son," he began, fixating his gaze the direct opposite way from the recipient of his message. Vader ducked his head as he fought the biggest, tangled mess of unrecognizable emotion he had felt in a long time.

At a speed that made banthas seem like speed demons, the former Dark Lord managed to turn towards his son.

"Look at me and assure me you were not assaulted on the Hoth base."

Eyes widened, muscles tensed, and breathing stopped; yet somehow Luke maintained his composure.

Twisting his features into an accusatory brand of anger, Luke swept his gaze over his father.

"Well, of course we were assaulted! Don't you remember ambushing our base? Shooting down our men and wiping out hundreds?"

It was now Vader's turn to bristle even more, but he couldn't say he didn't expect the boy to react in such a way.

"You know exactly what I am asking," Vader countered, his voice dropping down to a hiss. "Do not deflect me." Luke's features twisted to display an even deeper anger, although the flicker in his blue eyes gave away a hint of fear.

"No, I don't know," he insisted, although his eyes cried differently. "Say it."

Amid any other challenge, Vader would have done nothing less than stiffen his spine, lean into his opponent, and spit his venom until he was certain he'd won, but this was unlike any other confrontation he'd had. All Vader could do was stare at the boy now, praying to the Force with all his remaining energy that this was all a mistake, and for once, that he was wrong.

"Luke, assure me you were not…sexually assaulted."

His flinch was hardly detectable, but was certainly visible to Vader as those dreaded words hung in the air. The boy tried so hard to maintain eye contact, even lifting his chin defiantly for a second, but he remained silent. Then, Vader spotted the moisture glistening in his eyes, but before neither father nor son could say a word, Luke took half a step back, turned away, and retreated from the balcony.

And that was all the answer Vader needed.

It took Vader every ounce of strength remaining within him to refrain from immediately seeking out his son. Although still growing re-accustomed to physical affection, Vader couldn't shake the seemingly instinctual need to hold the boy in his arms, to keep him shielded from any further harm.

Or would Luke recoil, finding himself in the arms of the one who had caused him the most harm of all?

Midst their year spent together on this backwater planet, Vader thought he had begun to understand what it meant to be a father, but after today, he wasn't sure.

Even though Vader knew logically he had nothing to do with this attack, nor would he have had a good chance of preventing it, his paternal instincts screamed that there must have been something he should have been able to do. If only he would have found the boy sooner, arrived on Hoth even mere days earlier than he had, he just might have stopped this. Even if he had, at the very least, found him after the assault, he could have provided him with the finest medical care from The Executor, found him the most effective counseling, and ensured no one laid a finger on him ever again. Although the damage had been done, at least Vader now had a chance to compensate for his failure.

But how?

How was he to fix this? What could he possibly say to ease his child's pain? He could feed Luke the reassurances required, take whatever measures necessary to ensure no one could so much as touch him ever again, but he knew nothing could erase the trauma. If only she were here...

Such a creative method the muses had used to torture the boy yet again.

Vader was lucky he found that medical report leading to this new discovery in the first place. If Luke hadn't been sniffling the past few days, Vader never would have dug into his medical file, much less found it had been tampered with.

Reading through the reports timed a little before the Battle of Hoth, Vader immediately sensed something out of place when he found a perfect post-bacta immersion scan void of any injury whatsoever. The bacta may have been effective in healing Luke's hypothermia and the gashes from the Wampa, but he shouldn't have been completely healed from just a single immersion without concentrated care on his flesh wounds- no one would.

As Vader followed a whisper from the Force to investigate further, he eventually found an encrypted log of the report. It was only a matter of minutes before he maneuvered his way to full access, finding pages upon pages of deleted material. Among the scrapped information, he found reports of small wounds that weren't fully healed yet here and there, which was to be expected. However, an entire section detailing injuries that stated "consistent with sexual assault," was not only the very last thing Vader expected to see, but the very worst.

The question Vader supposed he should focus his attention on now that could at least be of some value, was who. Who, regardless of state of mind, could have done this to another creature? Not only inflicting such pain and fear in the moment of the attack, but imprinting a permanent mark of terror and shame for the rest of the victim's life.

Vader wished he could have said he ended the suffering of his victims with a swift slice of his crimson blade, but he knew he left a lasting impression on his surviving prey, guaranteed to last them until the end of their days. This regard for the lives of others never once crossed his mind during his rampages of murder, but now that his son was on the receiving end of such pain, the parental instincts stirring in his core led him to feel this forgien, protective nature amplify.

But the cold truth remained: Vader had caused Luke such pain as his other victims. He was not the boy's enemy, but his father; the man who not only should have been present in his childhood, but should have loved him unconditionally regardless for which side of the war he fought.

Although he was fortunate enough to have Luke's undeserved forgiveness, he was still haunted by the images of the boy on the receiving end of his ruthless power. The way his petite form trembled on the weathervane above Cloud City, his thinly veiled courage as Vader brought him before Palpatine, and the terrible screams that escaped his throat as he writhed on the stone cold floor of the throne room, desperate pleas barely articulated through the pain.

All Vader could do now was reach out to the Force and persuade it to draw away some of his guilt. Once he found himself in a stable enough position, he reached for his datapad in his quarters and began trying to educate himself on the matter of sexual assault survivors. After searches varying from "caring for a distressed child" to "supporting a new child" came up with hardly accurate results for his situation (even though Luke was a child), he finally settled on a simple search on male sexual assault recovery, and went from there…

Force, Vader wished he knew what this aggressor thought Vader was going to do to him, for once he found him, he would do far worse.

A/N: Thank you SO MUCH for reading! I just want to make a few things clear before you go:

Seeing Vader's actions above, I'm sure you noticed they were less than ideal. I believe some of Vader's actions and responses to this situation are NOT appropriate, especially in these first few chapters. As we all know, Dad Vader tries his hardest to help Luke when in distress, but sometimes ends up making the situation worse and hurting Luke unintentionally. This is a case with a serious issue which he royally aggregates and intensifies, although still without meaning to do so. I want to make it clear that I do not condone his words, nor do I see them as appropriate to say to a survivor of sexual assault. The responses and actions I wrote for Vader are purely how I saw his character handle such a situation, not for the purpose of in any way promoting them as appropriate or making a commentary on survivors.

If there's anything you find inaccurate or misrepresented in this fic, please let me know. I conducted a great deal of research whilst writing this story and reading about the experiences of others, but I know I cannot fully understand this kind of trauma having not experienced it myself. I don't wish to offend anyone with my ignorance, so if something is out of place or misrepresented, please send me a message to help me understand and I will fix my errors.

Lastly, as a fic author, I AM SO SORRY. This was another idea that just started out as a passing thought but didn't let go until I gave in and wrote it. I really put Luke through the wringer, but I promise it will be okay. The trauma takes place before the beginning of the story, so you'll find his journey of healing (Convalescence, if you will ;)) to follow.

THANK YOU!