Thank you for the reviews.

I think it is time to see how Rachel is feeling about this. And that all-important letter...

(Starting after the pub scene in S04E01)

About You Now

It hurt.

More than she could ever imagine.

And Rachel had to place a hand over her mouth, trying to stop the sob from escaping her lips as she thought over what had just happened.

Because she had done it.

She had pushed Eddie away.

If Melissa wasn't in the house (with Rachel getting her privacy back at the weekend that was coming up), Rachel might have allowed the sob to escape. She might have allowed herself to cry over what she had given up or pushed away. She might have berated herself for doing it.

But she knew her reasons why. She knew the reasons why she followed her head rather than her heart. She knew the reasons why she showed him the scar on her chest. She knew the reasons why she couldn't let him in again. Why letting him in again was a bad thing to do.

Rachel was sure that it would work out in the long run but that didn't stop the feeling that her heart had shattered in her chest or wondering whether Eddie meant what he said about her being special. It didn't stop her from thinking about him threading his hands through her hair (her now shorter hair).

He pushed her so she pushed him.

But it wasn't meant to hurt like this. Eddie was better off without her. Eddie didn't want her. She was bad news. She only caused bad things to happen. She only caused bad people to come into their lives. She was a bad person who had a bad thing and she couldn't escape it.

Bad things happened to bad people, that was what her father had said to her all those years ago when her family found out what she had done. Every day, Rachel tried to prove him wrong but it seemed more and more evident that he was right.

You're a bad egg, Amanda. Just like me. Because it takes one to know one. No matter what you do, you'll never escape it. Just fucking give up.

She now wanted to scream at the memory of her father. Scream at him that he was wrong and that she wasn't a bad egg. She wanted to scream that she would find someone that would love her but that turned into an inner screaming match at herself for pushing away the one man that maybe could love her.

Rachel knew that she was in for a bad night. And she desperately didn't want to see Eddie.

It felt like something that Rachel already knew but in the couple of months that she had been in hospital, awake, she had come to realise that one of the things that got her out of bed every day, before the fire, was the thought that she was going to go to work and seeing Eddie. And when she heard that he had tried to see her while she was unconscious, she let out a sigh of relief that he was turned away as he didn't fall into the category of family. She didn't want him to see her like she was. The memory of what they had and the thoughts of what they could have been was something that had to be left as they were. She couldn't let it become more. Because, deep down, Eddie didn't want her. She knew that. She just had to get him to realise that as well.

So, before the fire, she might have been more amused at the sight of a bleary-eyed deputy in her office. That morning, however, it wasn't welcomed as she hoped that she could avoid him. She expected him to say something about the evening before but she was more concerned by the envelope on her desk with her name written in Eddie's handwriting. It was giving her flashbacks to the last time he had handed her a letter and she knew that she had made a big mistake.

Eddie was going to leave her because she had pushed him away.

She knew that she had to know what it said exactly, picking up off her desk as she sighed into her chair after he left her to get some coffee and a quick five minutes.

And it was a letter.

Just not the letter that she had expected.

Rachel,

I understand that you told me to leave this and I was more than prepared to do so. But, and it is one of the things that you taught me, I believe that it is important to fight for what you believe in and this is me fighting. And if you read this and still feel the same way, then I will accept it and I will attempt to move on from you. It won't be an easy thing to do because you are one remarkable woman, Rachel Mason.

So I think that the best way for me to start this is with an apology. Because I have been stupid in more than one way.

I'm sorry Rachel that I allowed you to do that last search by yourself. I should have fought you more. Said something like we had both searched separate sides of the school so we should just look where the other hadn't. Maybe then I might have seen Stuart first or maybe I would have been able to stop you from trying to save him, as I assume that was what you were doing. Maybe I could have saved you.

I'm sorry Rachel that I tried to get back at Hordley. I'm sorry Rachel that he told everyone your secret. I'm sorry Rachel that I didn't do more to stop him from telling everyone. I'm sorry Rachel that I just didn't think that he would come back with more. I'm sorry Rachel that I didn't tell you about the copy of the newspaper article that he sent everyone. Because that is what I wanted to tell you that morning. Not to ask you out for a drink. Although I wish we got them and I'm sorry Rachel that we didn't.

I'm sorry Rachel that I didn't support you more that day and the days that followed. I'm sorry Rachel that I wasn't by your bedside. I'm sorry Rachel that I didn't lie to be there. Trust me, I did want to be there, talking to you, waiting for you to wake up. I wanted to be there to know what was happening with you and whether you would be okay. And I'm sorry Rachel for not realising that you would be hurt by it all.

And I understand now. I understand that I pushed you too far last night and I am sorry for that. Just because I was eager to see you again and pick up where we left off, didn't mean that you were and I never thought that you might not be in the same place as I was. And that's fine. But I need to know that, Rach. I need to know how I can help you and how I can support you.

At the least, Rachel, I want to be your friend. But I don't think that you can say that there wasn't something between us. Maybe I just need to learn patience because I am more than sure you would be worth the wait.

I've included the list of things that I think I needed to apologise for because there are more things than I have included in this letter. But please, Rach, let me help you through this. Because I think it is the one thing that Hordley taught us, we are better together.

With all my love,

Eddie

And now Rachel knew that she had a fight on her hands. A fight between her head and her heart and with her heart almost crying out to the letter she knew that she had to reply to in some way. And she wondered what she had done so right to have someone like Eddie Lawson in her life as she moved on to the list that he had written. That man was definitely going to be the death of her.

It was definitely a distraction and Rachel had spent most of the day avoiding Eddie (not that she wasn't already going to do that), only seeing him for things that were strictly professional. It could have been just how tired he was but Rachel felt him become more deflated every time she said that they were finished talking.

The truth was that she didn't know how to reply to the letter and the more she thought about it over the day, the more she realised that the only way she was going to tell him everything was to give him a letter back.

Which cured her boredom as the insomnia had definitely kicked in again.

And she felt like she was a little more fresh-faced than Eddie was the morning before. Maybe it was just because she had dealt with lack of sleep before and she knew how to get around it.

But as she sat in her office, re-reading Eddie's letter before she put the finishing touches to her own, she knew that now she was doing the right thing. That she had managed to balance out what her head and her heart wanted and this was the compromise that she could live with. Because she hoped at some point that her heart would be able to rule over her head a little more when it came to Eddie. Because she knew that she did want more from him.

And she expected that the same thing happened to her that morning that happened to Eddie as she was placing it on his desk.

"What you looking for?"

Rachel felt herself jump at his voice but she had to admit that he looked a lot better than he did the day before. He had, at least, had a good night's sleep. It was definitely something that he looked like he needed. She just hoped that she didn't look like she needed a good night's sleep.

"Nothing." Rachel said, hiding the envelope against her leg.

"Well, you are doing something."

She couldn't hold his gaze. Which seemed very strange. How did this man just make her feel like a schoolgirl with a crush? How did he always get her to say what she didn't want to say? Because she had written her own letter with her heart. Something that she didn't often do. She gathered now that Eddie was a 'wear his heart on his sleeve' type of guy. She just wasn't that type of woman and if she could, she would avoid feelings. It had never served her well in the past. Why would it be any different now?

But she gathered that he was still waiting for her to bring up what he had left her yesterday, meaning that she stopped hiding the reply to his letter, holding it in front of her to read his name in her handwriting before she handed it to him.

"I think the only… prelude to you reading this is that." She said before she looked up at him. "I'm not good with this. I don't… I don't trust easily, Eddie. And I know. I did trust you. And that has nothing to do with what you think you have or haven't done. That is just me. I think that will explain a lot. It will explain… everything I can't tell you."

It felt gentle the way he took the envelope out of her hand and she knew now that she had a list of regrets. With Melissa and her rash decision to offer her the Head of Extended Services job being at the top of the list.

And with Eddie looking a little unsure, she knew that she had to leave him with the letter and let him find out what she couldn't tell him. But something possessed her to stop right next to him and to rise onto her toes to place a kiss on his cheek. Maybe it was just something to reassure him that it was answering his letter. That he would get some answers as to why she pushed him away in the way that she did. Rachel just hoped that she was as good with words as she knew that she was.