Killian wanted to talk, to tell someone about what happened, but he couldn't seem to find the words. He was beginning to regain vivid memories of everything that had been done to him in the six months he was a prisoner.
The doctor just gave him a moment to think in silence, before speaking up. "If you'd like, we can start with you telling me a little about yourself. Your family, where you grew up, what brought you to the Navy, that kind of thing."
Killian shifted his eyes to look at her. "Aye, um.. I think that would be good.." He took a deep breath. "Well, I'm married and we have a beautiful little lass.." He shrugged.
"What are their names?" She was gentle, and Killian appreciated the fact that she wasn't trying to get him to talk about his capture.
"My wife's name is Emma, and our daughter's is Lottie, um, Charlotte.. But I always called her Lottie.." Killian had a small smile as he thought about his daughter.
"That's a beautiful name, how old is Charlotte?"
"She's one and a half now.. I was deployed when she was just six months old.. She's bloody amazing, I.. I can't believe how perfect she is."
She nodded. "Have you been able to see them? Your wife and daughter.."
Killian nods. "Aye, I left the hospital yesterday to go home to them.. They're both here now with me, and my brother came to help with Lottie."
"And how did you feel, when you got to see Emma and Lottie again?"
"When Emma opened the door, I couldn't speak.. I was just so happy." He itched to play with his wedding ring like he used to when he was nervous, but without his hand he couldn't. "I just held her, both of us crying, until her sister-in-law found us.. Then when Emma's brother brought Lottie, and she immediately came to Emma, my heart stopped."
"There were a lot of emotions of course."
He nodded. "I couldn't believe how big she'd gotten.. She was walking and talking, and.. Bloody hell, I immediately felt guilty. She didn't have her father, my wife didn't have me to help her raise our daughter.. A child I begged to have.."
She nodded. "Did your wife not want kids?"
"Emma had.. She struggled with being a mom, she grew up in the foster system.. I was the one who promised her and assured her that she would be an amazing mom, and that I'd always be with her, but for the last six months she's believed I was dead. I left her stuck to raise a child all alone."
"Does Emma know you feel like this?"
He shook his head. "I don't know.. If I know anything about Emma, it's that she would never hold this against me, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel guilty.."
She nodded, writing a few notes. "Why don't we talk about something else? I want this first session to not be too emotional, I just want to get to know you. Where did you grow up, Killian?"
"My brother and I were born in the States, my father was American, and so they moved back and forth often before I was born. But we moved back to where my mum was from, in England, shortly after my first birthday.. Our father was barely home, always working or doing who knows what.. So our mom raised us where she grew up, a small town on the coast."
Killian took a breath. "My brother is six years older than me, and was sixteen when our Mum died. A family member took us in until Liam was old enough to care for himself.. He raised me though after we lost her."
"I'm sorry, were you close with your mom?"
"Aye, she was a great mom.. When Liam had saved enough, he moved us back to the States, and joined the US Navy. When I was old enough, I attended the Naval academy and joined as well. We were sent on the same ship last year.."
"And, was he involved in everything that happened?"
"As far as I know, he and I are the only two from the entire crew who made it home alive.. He's alive, and he's happy, and since he's been home he's been there for Swan and Lottie since I couldn't.." He shrugged.
"Swan, is that what you call your wife?" She gave him a reassuring smile.
Killian nodded, a small smile breaking through. "Aye, Swan is her last name, but I've always called her that, even after she changed it to Jones.. It suits her." He shrugged. "Despite her childhood she grew to be a beautiful, strong, elegant woman. Kind of like a swan.."
"That's sweet. How did you meet Emma?"
"We ran into each other, literally, and it spilt coffee down both of us, staining her white shirt.. She told me she had a big meeting and wouldn't have time to get a new shirt so I offered her one of the shirts I had in my car.. I wasn't worried about getting it back, but then that night I went out with my brother, his wife and a few of their friends.."
He hadn't told the story of how he and Emma met in a very long time, but he was happy to talk about her. Despite the insecurities he now had about himself, and his hand, he still loved Emma and he could tell even after everything, she still loved him.
"Well, my sister-in-law, Elsa, knew Swan's brother, David, from some work she had done for the police, and had become friends with Mary Margaret. We ended up just being friends for a while, we'd both been burned before.." He shrugged.
"I hope I get to meet Emma one day, it sounds like you two have a good relationship.. And based on what you've been willing to share today, I believe that you want to do what it takes to get in a good mental place so you're there for your wife and daughter, does that sound like what you want?"
Killian nodded. "I want to be the kind of father my daughter deserves. The husband that my wife needs, but I'm scared that what I've been through is going to cause problems.. I had a nightmare last night, and I know Emma would never tell me, but I think she was worried."
"Although we haven't discussed the last six months yet, it is understandable that you would have PTSD, causing nightmares and possibly depression. I'd like you to take this week, and kind of keep track of how you're doing."
Killian nodded before the doctor continued.
"If you want to talk to your wife, or any one of your family members about this, I think that would be good. If you'd rather talk to me, you can always call and schedule an appointment, or just talk to me over the phone. Right now, Killian, what's most important is that you don't keep everything bottled up, if you need to let out emotions, do it. If it's just getting some alone time, crying, talking, letting out some steam, the release is good."
"Aye, I'll do my best. And I'll be here next week." He assured her.
"Don't feel hurried to give me details about what happened, take your time, and talk about it when you can. Our sessions will go wherever you'd like them to, or where you're comfortable."
He nodded. "Thank you.." He shook her hand before they moved to the door.
Outside her office, Killian saw Emma following slowly after Charlotte who was toddling down the hallway. He hadn't realized he'd stopped to watch them, a small smile on his face, until his doctor spoke from beside him.
"I'm guessing that is your family?" She smiled.
"Oh, aye.. That is Emma and Charlotte.."
Only a few seconds later, Charlotte turned to head back towards him, and Emma looked up and saw him standing there. She smiled at him, and spoke softly to Charlotte who spotted him as well.
"Dada." Charlotte giggled, toddling straight to him, Emma close behind.
Killian bent down, to meet Charlotte when she got to him. He knew he'd need help if he wanted to pick her up, so he just settled with hugging his baby close. "Hello, Little Love.." He smiled.
Emma smiled at them, noticing his doctor standing close behind. She could tell that Killian must not have shared anything too heavy, since he hadn't completely withdrawn into himself.
As Killian stood up, she could see how he itched to hold Charlotte so she lifted her to her own hip. "Baby, do you want Dada to hold you? I bet he could use some more cuddles.."
Charlotte reached towards Killian, and Emma helped him get her settled against him. She laid her head on his shoulder, seemingly content in her father's arms. Killian held her close, breathing her in for a moment.
"So this is Miss Charlotte, she's beautiful, Killian. I can see why you're so proud of her.." His doctor spoke up from beside him.
He smiled a little. "Thank you.. I'll um, I'll see you for my session next week?" He asked softly.
"Of course, you three have a good day." She smiled before heading back into her office.
Emma rubbed her hand gently over Killian's back. "Did your session go okay?" She asked softly.
"Aye, Love.. It was okay, but I'm glad to be back with my girls." He pressed a kiss to her temple.
Emma smiled. "We're glad to have you, I was just thinking about getting some lunch before your prosthetic fitting?"
He nodded, adjusting Charlotte as she tried to settle more comfortably against his chest. "I um, I'm not sure I'm hungry.." He breathed, he'd barely eaten dinner and breakfast that morning.
Emma nodded, rubbing his shoulder. "That's okay, I'm not going to make you eat if you're not hungry."
He appreciated how understanding Emma was being with everything. "Aye, I'd like to go with you all though. I know you and Charlotte need to eat, Liam as well. And maybe I'll eat a little something.." He shrugged.
"Of course. Are you okay to carry her, I can take her if you need me to?" Emma asked before they headed back to where Liam was waiting.
"No, Love.. She's fine, and she's happy." He pressed a kiss to Charlotte's hair.
Emma smiled, she loved seeing Charlotte so happy with her daddy. They went to lunch and Killian helped make sure Charlotte ate well, still not eating very much himself. He tried to eat a little something, knowing Emma was worried he wasn't eating enough.
Liam took Charlotte home after lunch and Emma went to Killian's appointment with him. As they were waiting, Killian reached over and laced his fingers with hers, resting them in her lap. Emma was surprised, but squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile.
"I love you, Killian." She spoke softly, leaning against his shoulder.
He smiled softly. "I love you too, Swan. I'm glad you're here, I'm not sure I could do this without knowing I have you."
She kissed his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you could do that would cause me to not be by your side through this. Not when I just got you back."
Killian nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He hadn't been sure about being very physical with her, but he found the little touches and kisses coming back naturally. He'd always been very open with Emma, and he couldn't help but want to kiss his wife.
She closed her eyes, breathing him in. She could tell he wasn't quite as tense as she thought he would be going into this. She was startled out of her thoughts by his doctor coming into the room.
Killian let go of Emma's hand so he could do what the doctor needed him to. Emma traced her fingertips over his back soothingly, like she would for Charlotte when she got upset. Killian talked with his doctor and they took measurements, talked about what he wanted out of a prosthetic.
"Alright, Captain Jones. Once we get your prosthetic in we'll have you start doing some physical therapy to help you get used to doing things, and helping you to adapt some tasks so you can do them without both hands. We don't want to get you in the prosthetic before your scars heal, or you'll simply be in more pain."
Killian nodded. "Aye, I understand.. Thank you."
"Have they showed you how to change the bandages, Mrs. Jones?" The doctor asked.
Emma shook her head. "Not yet, but I'd like to learn.. I want to be able to help him."
He nodded. "I'll show you now, and you can help me rebandage it."
The doctor explained what Killian needed, and allowed Emma to do it, helping her along the way. Killian was nervous about Emma seeing and dealing with the scarring and ugliness his stump presented, but Emma was very gentle and even pressed a gentle kiss to the end when she saw him tense up.
He gave her a small smile, pulling her close when she had finished. "Thank you." He said softly.
She kissed his cheek, and turned back towards his doctor who was writing a couple notes to help Emma remember what needed to be done.
"I'll see you in about two weeks, Captain Jones. It was nice to meet your wife today." The doctor smiled, reaching to shake both of their hands. This doctor of Killian's had been working with him over the last week.
Killian nodded and Emma smiled. "It was nice meeting you too, Doctor. Thank you for everything you've done for Killian."
Emma helped Killian up and the doctor went to get an IV for Killian to help with the dehydration. Emma settled next to him and pulled out her phone to text Liam, she updated him and they talked about getting Charlotte picked up.
Killian reached out and messed with her hair gently. "I guess I'll need to get a new phone.."
Emma looked up at him, she liked when he played with her hair. "We can easily get you one, I know you'll be wanting it if you want to watch Lottie."
"You'll let me watch Lottie?" He asked softly.
"Of course, when you feel ready enough you can watch her alone.. And if you're not ready, she goes to daycare a couple days a week, and Liam helps me out too.."
"Aye, I think at first I'd like to have Liam or someone.. I mean, I don't know if I can change a diaper with one hand, or make her food.." He said softly.
She nodded. "I understand. I told you I want you as involved in taking care of her as you think you can handle. I don't care if it's been a year, she's your daughter, Killian, nothing will ever change that."
He nodded. "I appreciate that.. And I hope you know how much it means to me that she knows who I am, and is willing to let me hold her and play with her."
Emma took his hand and laced their fingers. "Telling her about you, and making sure she knew who you were, it helped me when I really missed you." She admitted. "I wanted her to know you, because I know how much you love your baby girl."
He squeezed her hand. "Aye, she's one of the loves of my life." He said softly.
Emma smiled at him, running her thumb over his knuckles. She'd missed being able to simply hold his hand, or just talk to him. Killian laid his head back and sighed softly.
"Love?" He said softly. "I know I'm not exactly the same as before, but.. I want you to know how grateful I am to have you by my side.. And, well, the one thing that is still the same is how much I love you, and love our lass.."
Emma moved to rest her hand on his cheek. "You may be different, you've been through hell, but trust me when I say that I love you, Killian Jones. I'm not going to leave you because you aren't the exact man you were when you left.. If you were, I'd be more worried."
Killian closed his eyes for a moment. "Alright.. I just.. I wanted to make sure you knew that I'm trying."
She nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I know, KJ." She spoke softly.
He gave her a small smile, holding her hand in his until he was allowed to leave.