Over the next few months, Killian started to get restless staying home all of the time and found himself wanting something to do when he wasn't with Charlotte. Before he lost his hand he used to play the guitar or sketch, but now he couldn't play guitar and was scared to let himself sketch again.
He slowly got used to drawing again, often sketching out images of Emma or Charlotte. The action of drawing kept his hand busy, and his mind off of all the dark thoughts he had running through his head when he was alone.
One day he was so lost in his drawing that he didn't notice when Emma came home after picking Charlotte up from preschool. He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt Charlotte crash into his legs with a giggle.
"Dada, we're home!" She grinned.
Killian smiled as he lifted her onto his lap. "Hello, Love. I missed you today." He kissed her hair.
"Miss you too."
Emma came up behind him and ran her fingers through his hair, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Hey, Babe.. How's your day been?" She glanced at the image he'd been messing with, a small smile on her face.
"Good, Love.. I thought Liam was picking her up today?" He asked softly, worry in his eyes.
"Oh, I wasn't feeling well so I left work early and picked her up." She shrugged. "I'm fine though, so don't freak out." She assured him.
He nodded. "Oh, alright, Swan.. If you're not feeling well, maybe you should lie down."
She sighed softly. "I, um.. I guess I will. Are you okay with Lottie for a while? I can have her lie down with me if you need some time?"
"Aye, Love. Lottie and I will be fine, I was just drawing to keep my hands busy. You need to take care of yourself too, and I can watch our daughter.." He assured her.
She let him kiss her cheek. "Thank you, I like this one.." She said softly, she could tell it was a drawing of her and Charlotte cuddled together asleep on the couch. "I'm just feeling a little nauseous. I'm sure it'll go away soon."
"Thanks, Love.." He blushed, the tips of his ears turning red. "Go lie down, and I'll bring you a cup of tea. Lottie and I will let you have some time alone." He lifted Charlotte to his hip and shooed Emma to their bedroom.
He and Charlotte made her a cup of tea, and Charlotte insisted that Emma have some crackers as well. Charlotte carried the bowl of crackers to Emma's side of the bed, and Killian set her mug down on the nightstand.
Emma had cuddled into the blankets, and smiled a little when she saw them. "Thank you both.. I don't know why I feel like this, but I'm sure it's just a bug or something, Killian." She could tell he was worried something was wrong and wanted to reassure him.
He nodded. "We'll let you rest then, Love. Just let me know if you need anything." He felt for a fever before kissing her forehead.
She gave him a soft smile and closed her eyes, hoping to fight the nausea. Emma drank the tea slowly as she thought about what could be making her feel so tired and nauseous. If she didn't have a stomach bug, she knew there was only one thing that it could be, and that possibility scared her a little.
She sighed softly. She and Killian had talked about it, but were trying to be careful, knowing that having another baby wasn't something they thought they were ready for, even if they knew they both wanted to have another baby.
Killian spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Charlotte. Emma got out of bed and changed into more comfortable clothes before going to join them in the living room.
"Are you feeling any better, Love?" He asked softly.
She shrugged. "I'm okay, Babe. Thank you for letting me get some rest, I was more tired than I thought." She leaned against his side when he held his arm out to her.
He held her close. "How about we turn on a movie, and you can watch it with Lottie while I make us dinner?"
She nodded. "Okay.. Um, can we talk after we put Charlotte to bed tonight?" She asked softly.
"Aye, Love, of course." He assured her.
Later that night once Charlotte was asleep, Killian was cleaning up the living room when Emma settled into the chair near the window. Killian finished and came over to her, she moved and settled into his lap once he sat down.
She took his hand into hers and messed with his fingers nervously, she was scared to tell him what she thought was making her not feel well. Killian just held her, knowing she'd talk when she felt like she was ready.
"I um, I think I might have an idea why I've been so exhausted lately. And I'm a little scared about it, and about how you'll react.."
He ran his stump over her back gently. "It's alright, Love, take your time.."
She took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I um, I know we've been careful.. But, I might be pregnant, Killian.." She said softly, her eyes trying to read him for his reaction.
Killian was a little scared, but he just held her tighter. "We have been careful, but we know it happens. We talked about having kids last week.. Is this something you want, Emma? If you are pregnant, would you want to keep the baby?"
She ran her fingers over his cheek. "I mean, I love you, and we both want to have another kid.. I never expected this, especially not now, but.. Well, I don't think I could do anything but love our baby. I love being a mom, and well, this is something I want now that it's a possibility.."
He nodded. "Are you worried about me? You're an amazing mother, Emma, you can do anything.. But I can tell you're scared, Love."
She shook her head. "No, no. I mean I am scared, but I'm not worried about you doing anything that could hurt the baby, I promise.. I'm scared because we hadn't planned on this, we've only recently talked about if it was something we might want some day.. I know we talked about it before your deployment, but.. A lot has happened."
He kissed her cheek, still rubbing her back. "Aye, it's something scary to think about.. But I know we'll love the little one more than anything. We didn't exactly plan for this to happen now, and we've still got a lot going on.. But, we're married and we're doing okay.." He said softly, "And I know us waiting is mostly for me to be ready.. But I don't know if I'll ever be ready, Emma."
She sighed. "I don't even know if I am pregnant, so I don't know why I'm so upset right now. And I know that if I am, that we'll be okay, and we'll love our child.. But we'll have to move, and it'll be a lot of work and I don't want it to overwhelm you and.." She huffed out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we're even in this position."
"It's not your fault, Swan. We both play a part in this, and we knew it could happen. We knew the risks, but we know we want another kid someday." He laced his fingers through hers. "I love you no matter what, and we will be alright." His words were more to reassure himself than her.
She nodded and laid her head on his shoulder as he held her. "I love you too. I'll get a test tomorrow so we don't have to keep worrying about it." She kissed his jaw. "And either way, I know you're an amazing dad, and I'm just glad I have you."
"And you always will, my love. Let's go to bed, we can't do anything tonight."
She got up from his lap and took his hand as she led him to bed. She crawled into bed, and snuggled into him once he was settled. She pulled his arm around her and rested it against her stomach.
"If I am pregnant, I really want to keep the baby, Killian. I can't imagine not loving a child we made.." She admitted softly, in the dark of their room.
"Aye, Love. I do too. It'll all work out." He whispered against her hair. "Get some rest, and we'll know more tomorrow."
Killian had an awful nightmare that night, waking up in a cold sweat. Emma was sitting up, trying to gently coax him out of the nightmare, her eyes showing relief when his finally met hers.
"Hey there.." She whispered, her hand hesitantly brushing the sweaty hair from his forehead. "You're okay, Baby.."
He nodded a little. "Aye.. I hate that I woke you." He said softly, trying to sit up, his breathing heavy.
"It's alright, try and take some deep breaths for me, Babe." She said softly.
Killian focused on slowing his breathing, taking deep breaths. He couldn't quite remember what the nightmare had been about, but he knew it involved losing his family. Emma rubbed his back gently as he settled down.
"Thanks for being so gentle with me." He said softly.
"Of course, why don't you get a new shirt that isn't all sweaty and I'll go get you a glass of water." She kissed the side of his head before she got up.
Killian sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair. He went to the bathroom and washed his face before changing into a new shirt. Emma brought him some water and he practically chugged the glass. Emma pulled on one of Killian's sweaters and settled back into bed with him.
"Can I hold you, Swan?" He asked softly.
"Of course." She moved herself into his arms. "I didn't want to just assume you wanted me to be close to you."
"Most of my nightmares are about losing you and Lottie.. So it makes me feel better to hold you." He said softly.
"Try and get some more sleep, Killian.. I promise I'll still be here in the morning." She pressed a kiss to his chest.
He closed his eyes, hoping he could fall back to sleep. Emma couldn't fall asleep, her mind was racing with thoughts of Killian's nightmares and the possibility she might be pregnant, but she relaxed a little when she realized Killian was finally back asleep.
Emma's fatigue finally took over her and she fell asleep; when she woke up the next morning, she felt nauseous again, but Killian was still sound asleep and looked so peaceful she didn't want to wake him.
She got herself some water, hoping to keep herself from getting sick. She was able to keep it down for a little while, until she was doing some laundry and suddenly smelled her perfume on her clothes.
Killian woke up with the noise, and was immediately at her side in the bathroom. "You're alright, Love.. I've got you." He spoke softly, rubbing her back gently.
She sat back on her feet. "I'm fine, Killian. I'm sorry I woke you up, I was trying to be quiet."
"Don't be, Swan. I don't mind.. Are you feeling any better?" He ran his fingers through her hair, loosening some of the knots.
She nodded. "I was feeling nauseous, but I never got sick last night.. And just now I was putting clothes in the washer, and the smell of my perfume instantly made me throw up."
He frowned. "I'm sorry, Love.. I hate that you're feeling like this, and I know you're worried."
"I am, but.. I know that no matter what we'll be okay. You're doing so well, and you and I are in a really good place.. And Charlotte's almost two and a half. This could be really good for us." She admitted.
He kissed her forehead. "How about I walk and get you a test.. Then we can at least have an answer, and you won't have to be worried about the what ifs.."
She pulled him into a hug and held onto him for a moment. "I don't deserve you, but I love you so much. You're sitting here on the bathroom floor, trying to reassure me when I know you're probably just as scared as I am."
"Aye, Love, I'm scared too.. But if you're pregnant, I was a part of that happening, and if you're simply sick, I want to take care of you." He shrugged, holding her close. "Either way, there's no where I'd rather be than right here."
She nodded against his neck. "I know.. I um, I think I'm going to check on Lottie, and then get back in bed for a while, if you don't mind going to get a test?"
"Of course not, I'll be back soon." He made sure she wasn't wobbling on her feet and let her brush her teeth before he left.
When he came back, he found his girls curled up together in bed. Charlotte was munching on some cereal, and Emma was running her fingers gently through her hair, a cartoon playing on the television.
"Good morning, Loves." He smiled, leaning over and kissing Charlotte's head and pressing a kiss to Emma's lips gently. Emma smiled, shifting so she was sitting up better. Charlotte reached to share her cereal with Killian and he let her feed it to him happily, making her grin at him.
"Daddy's going to cuddle with you for a minute, Baby. Mommy's gonna do something, okay?" Emma asked Charlotte.
She nodded and climbed over Emma to sit on Killian's lap. Emma took the bag he had brought and went to the bathroom in the hall, she knew neither of them wanted to spend all day waiting to know.
Killian took Charlotte to the living room to watch cartoons, and so she could play with her toys while he and Emma talked. Emma finished and got herself some crackers to keep her stomach settled and her mind on another task while they waited.
Keeping his eye on Charlotte, Killian met her in the kitchen and kissed her temple. "It'll all work out, Love. No matter what this test says."
She nodded and leaned against him. "I know.. And I want you to know that even though I'm scared, there's a part of me that really wants this. I love being a mom, and.. Watching you as a father, gosh, Killian. There's nothing that makes me happier than seeing you be a dad.."
He nodded. "There's part of me that wants this too, Love.. I've been home almost an entire year, and we'll have a while yet to plan and get ready. If we were honestly waiting until I was ready to try for a baby, I'm not sure it would ever happen.. I'll always be scared of what could happen."
"You're right. And this time, you're here for good. We had Lottie when we knew you were getting deployed, and she's a wonderful little one.." She picked the test up from the counter. "Can you look at it? I know it's stupid, but I want you to do it."
Killian took it from her, and felt her bury her face into his chest as he looked at the results. "It's positive, Love.. We're having a baby." He whispered.
She simply wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly before meeting his eyes. She hadn't realized she'd started crying until she felt Killian's thumb swipe against her cheek bone.
She sniffled a little. "I don't even know why I'm crying.. I'm not upset.. It's just a lot.." She admitted.
"Shh.. It's okay, Emma. It is a lot, and I'm feeling a lot right now too. I'm not upset with you." His own eyes were watery. "This is going to be a big change for us, but being a dad is one of the best parts of my life, and I'm going to do my best to be the father our kids need."
She pressed up on her toes and kissed him softly. "You're already so amazing." She breathed. "We're having another baby, and I am happy, even if it doesn't seem like it."
"I know, my love, I can tell you're just overwhelmed. I'm happy as well." He held her tightly.
"I um, I need to make a doctor's appointment I guess." She mumbled.
"Aye, Love. I'd like to go with you, if that's alright? I want to be by your side through everything, especially since I never thought we'd get this again." He rubbed her back, hoping to soothe her a little.
"Of course you can come, I'd honestly want nothing more than for you to be there for everything." She smiled.
Emma was able to get an appointment for that upcoming week, and Killian asked David to babysit Charlotte for them. Emma was sitting next to Killian in the waiting room, her knee bouncing up and down quickly.
She had her fingers laced through Killian's and their hands resting on her lap. Killian squeezed her hand gently, and pressed a kiss to her hair.
"It's all going to be okay, Love. Try not to worry too much, aye?"
She glanced at him, and stopped bouncing her knee. "Sorry, sorry.. I was just lost in my mind, I guess I didn't realize what I was doing."
He stroked her knuckles gently with his thumb. "I love you, Swan. I can't wait to see our little one." He said softly.
"I'm probably not very far along, Killian, so there won't be much to see.. But I'm kind of excited too.." She let herself smile for a moment. "I can't believe we're here again, we've been through so much to get here.."
He smiled a little. "We have been through so much, our relationship has been through so much.. But, here we are together, after we thought we'd never see each other again. And we created a new little life.." He shrugged. "I never thought I'd see you or Lottie again, I definitely never let myself think I'd get to be a father again."
She kissed the back of his hand. "I know I haven't really seemed happy about this, but I am. I love so much about you, but your heart is one of my favorite things. You adore Charlotte, and I know that nothing will be different with this little one."
Before Killian could speak a nurse called her name, and they headed back to the exam room. The nurse took a blood sample and got everything ready for the doctor.
Killian stood near Emma's head, his fingers running through her hair gently. He was scared of being a dad again, especially with all of his mental health issues, but he already loved their child more than anything. When Emma's doctor came in, she reviewed Emma's file and the information the nurse had written down before fully addressing Emma.
"It's good to see you, Emma. This must be your husband?" She asked with a smile.
"Aye, I'm Killian, it's nice to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you too, Killian."
Her doctor spent a few minutes talking with Emma, asking questions about her health, and any medications she was taking. They took an ultrasound and the doctor looked at it for a few minutes before talking to them.
"Well, your ultrasound looks good, Emma. The development looks to be about six or seven weeks, and both mom and baby appear to be healthy." She smiled. "I'll give you both a print out, and you can schedule your next appointment on your way out. Congratulations."
Emma fixed her clothes and turned to look at Killian. He was frozen looking at the ultrasound image the doctor had given them. She reached for his hand, hoping to get him to meet her eyes.
"Hey, Killian? Are you okay?" She asked gently.
He shook himself out of his thoughts. "Aye, Love.. It all kind of really just hit me, this is real.. This little dot, that's our baby.." He gave her a small smile.
She pressed up on her toes and kissed him. "Yeah, that's our little one." She took his hand and pressed it against her stomach. "I'm happy. And Lottie is going to be such an amazing big sister."
He smiled, wrapping his left arm around her and pulling her close. "Aye, she's going to be amazing. I'm happy that you and the little bean are healthy."