Too much love will kill you, if you can't make up your mind. Torn between the lover and the love you left behind. - Brian May.
The stormy weather did nothing to help the passengers aboard the Carpathia. The absolute tragedy lingered about the air; in every corridor and in every room aboard. Any remnants of joy had been wiped away once the number of people were counted. The sight of incomplete families was enough to make even the strong stomached feel ill. Then, there was the pain within Rose's heart; so there, stood on the slippery, wet decks beneath a lit lamp which cast an eerily beautiful glow across Jack's face, she found the strength to speak; finally, as she exhaled out her nerves which were already stretched thin.
"It occurred to me that this was nothing more than a temporary infatuation."
"For who? Not for me."
"Yes, for the both of us. We were acting on impulse and not truly thinking of the consequences of what could happen. Who we could hurt?"
"And what about hurting ourselves? Is this a punishment?" Jack's voice was laced with tender pain.
"No, Jack. It's goodbye."
Jack lifted his hand to her face, stroking across those swollen lips which he had tenderly kissed, and then with such a passion, endlessly, making her ache and feel bruised. His callouses swept across her top lip, and she knew each and every one of them, having pressed her lips to them; one by one, truly appreciating the artist within him. Worshipping the magic of his hands and the talents which they could create. Then, he could caress her for times upon end and bringing sunshine to her young life in hours which had melted into days which they believed would be one endless, beautiful love in a life filled with such freedom and warmth and passion that no one could ever disturb their reverie.
"Don't you do that. Don't you say your goodbye a to me, not yet. Not ever."
His voice was a low, almost threat and it was that which allowed his touch to betray her; she shivered. Affected.
"Jack, do not tell me that you believed that this could go on?"
"Yes, I do."
Turning to move away, he didn't let release her and she struggled to move away. The force pulling her toward him was even greater than the need to walk away. It was a need which felt to be instilled within her; as though roots had grown and threaded within her and now untangling herself from it all would be almost impossible.
"This-this is impossible. I cannot see you anymore."
"Why not? It's him, isn't it? He has re claimed the power that he had over you and you're afraid. Say it…"
"No, Jack, no. I—it was just never right for us. As we said it was crazy and we acted on impulse. It was simply an infatuation born aboard the ship and now it has passed."
"Tell me then, look at me, tell me that when you said you loved me, tell me that was a lie."
"I— I was, I never could, perhaps I was just—"
"You can't tell me because it's horse shit. When we were in the water, you said that you love me."
"I believed that we were about to die. It was in the moment, of utter sadness and loss and tragedy."
"And we were swept up, right? We were there, in the moment and then afterwards when I held you, we cried to each other and we loved each other."
"We have been looking for comfort and tomorrow we will arrive back upon dry land. Life must resume." She pulled another excuse out.
"And, when I made love to you, and you trembled in my arms. Like I shook for you, too."
Jack's voice was etched with hopefulness. She grasped his hand tighter. His closeness left her paralysed to the spot. He had such an effect on her it was frightening.
She couldn't breathe; his face was an inch or so from hers. If she stayed any longer, the tension would grow stronger. She had to stick to her word. Her eyes met his, glancing to his lips and then back as her stomach sank at the utter realisation of one thing; she could never leave her world. Whilst she still had some rein on herself, she found her voice.
"It was just an infatuation." Rose convinced him, slowly. "You were intoxicating and you—"
Jack still was. Those blue eyes, brimming with the unshed emotion which she was causing. In her peripheral mind she cast it back to just days prior when aboard a maiden voyage, in a gymnasium filled with brand new, exciting equipment, Jack had come to her and his eyes had shone with the same hopefulness they did now except then, there had been a layer of naivety and of perhaps fear of rejection but now, there was determination fuelling him.
"You intrigued me with every move. I was breathless and helpless." Rose felt the dizziness hit her. It was still current.
"Do you want to be trapped?" Jack surprised her by pulling his hand from her cheek to stand back with his fingers circling his button and then thrust into his pocket. His stance was wide, casual and he gazed at her in perusal. "Is that what you want? To marry Cal, to ride in high style in misery all of your life? To become a true swell. Rose, I've seen you remember and I know you better than anyone ever will, not just because I care about you but because I know what is in your heart. In your mind. I am part of your body and you are part of mine."
"Yes, we became acquainted, well and intimately and quickly." She panted to breathe and the steady wind almost swept her from her feet. "I know how it feels to be trapped, I know that! I know what I am asking of myself and of you, but Jack this is for the better, it has to be."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Pardon me?"
"I said what are you so afraid of?"
"I am not." Rose said defensively.
"Well, I am." Jack told her softly, in the tone he had used to coax her to the bow. Allowed him to trust her. Time seemed to slow down. "I am afraid of losing you. The only thing that I have ever cared about deeply enough. I am afraid now that if you walk away from me that I will never be able to recover."
"Jack—"
"Do you think he will love you now? That he will think of you as anything other than a possession? He wants you to willingly go to him so that he thinks the better man had won! What did he fill your head with?"
"N—no, it is I who desires, who thinks it to be better—"
Rose was losing herself. The trail of thoughts which had once been blazing in the forefront of her mind. The safety of his scent, of his nearness was overwhelming her and she swallowed down a sob.
"What transpired between us has been wonderful and whilst you may believe now that I am your only desire then you will come to find another someday." The thought stung her, acids burning her insides and that was the final statement before Jack was approaching her, too fast for her to even focus.
"This is more than a love affair. I love you. I have since the first second that I saw you and that won't ever stop." The fire that burnt so brightly within her was matched by his own. Another barrier had been torn down and discarded with the wind. Jack Dawson had exposed his innermost wound to Rose; his heart. Hope seemed to flicker within glimmering eyes and she found the strength to move her hand from the rail. This time, it was her who shakily placed her hand upon his cheek and felt the warmth there. The touch affected him visibly causing him to tremor just slightly to notice.
''What you offered to me; it was what I believe to be what I wanted. You appealed to the wanderer within me, but truly, I do not believe we would have survived out there, alone.''
Jack broke their stare; turning to the rail to hide his anger. Not at her but at another. A man who would never deserve her. A man who seemed to have everything to offer her but in reality; he had nothing but the apparent upper hand.
''I want you to be safe. I want you to make decisions for yourself. You should have that much. Whether you ever desired me or not but you do not deserve him. I know he has come to you, poisoned you to make you afraid.''
As her teeth wanted to chatter once more, Rose managed to gain some control over her nerves.
Did he know the great power he had over her? With a single stare she felt rooted to the spot. An ache within her started in her stomach and worked its way through her entire body. His fingers continued to caress hers ever so gently and as she breathed out, she noted the cloud of fog which surrounded them.
The pads of his fingers were rough, calloused from the years of work, of drawing and using his hands to create brilliance in various forms. Now, they were touching hers, threading through her own soft and unworked hands. It seemed to be a slow, almost seductive caress and it affected her stomach, her legs...
''No-no matter what happens,'' she stammered over her hesitation and the cold; she didn't know which affected her the most. ''I appreciate all that you did for me. You saved me, Jack. You saved my life-''
''And you saved mine.''
Jack's fingers stopped caressing hers and he took her hands within his, slowly he brought her right hand to his lips and lightly pressed them against her freezing knuckles just once. Her breathing hitched; a single kiss upon her hand caused her to tremble. The first time he had done it, her hand had been gloved; the second time it was ever so brief but this time, his stare had not left hers as he did it.
''No matter what happens, I will keep you safe in my heart.'' Jack whispered against her fingers before lightly pressing his lips to them again, to one and then the other.
''No matter what happens,'' she repeated, with a hint of a smile. Neither knew what the statement meant. It felt as though there was a promise. A hello. A goodbye.
''What did he say to you? I need to know that much.''
Rose's smile faded off. ''He-he...'' It was hard to recall. One moment, she had been stood watching how the water was breaking beneath the great ship at the rail, whilst sipping hot cocoa and the next, Cal had surrounded her with a cloud of depression and it had almost pulled her back into the blackened abyss of the life which she had already seemingly escaped from. ''He thought that you had died in the water. He was—joyful, somehow, to see me.''
''He wants you to return with him?''
''Yes, he said that whilst my behaviour had been despicable, he would forgive me for having nothing more than an adolescent infatuation with a boy of another class.''
''How mighty big of him.''
''Yes, and that you could never offer me anything truly, other than a life of empty promises.'' Rose's eyes rimmed with water. ''I trust that would have never been the case for us, but he doesn't understand anything about what we have.''
''No, he doesn't. Because he doesn't want you for who you are.''
Jack's presence so close to her was distracting. Rose hadn't noticed how their coats were almost touching and their torsos just an inch or so apart. How would he feel against her without any outer clothing again? What if all barriers would eventually be shed between them leaving two exposed souls baring everything to the other? What if that could happen over and over again until their souls were truly healed. Jesus, the thought made her ache.
''He knows of our been together; that you were the one to have touched me the way that I never allowed him to.''
''He will be ashamed of that.''
''Just before we went to the lifeboats, when they had taken you away, he raised his hand to me, and he called me a slut.''
''Rose—I want to kill him, I really do."
She had seen just how he had handled Lovejoy and it had frightened her. Rose had been the core reason for their fight and she shook her head, discarding the thought as fast as it had come into his mind. "No!'' Rose thought of how willingly she had taken Jack into the backseat of the car after truly appreciating his artistry for the first time. ''A woman's maiden is not supposed to be given up so easily to a man she had known barely a week; no matter how much she cared for him and he for her. Marriage would be the time to even consider to take a man to bed.''
''I would have waited an eternity to make love to you. I would marry you this damned second if I could, because that is how sure I am, about everything. About you. About us. About love. I love you too much to let you go.''
The smile was wonderful. A small bubble of joy was starting in the pit of her stomach but then it faded off as she felt it turn and then a wave of sickness hit her hard.
''Too much love can kill you.''
Rose turned her attention back to the ocean. The blackness surrounded them and it was hard to imagine anything beyond these waves which lapped against the vessel which carried them to New York.
''No, Rose. It can mend me. Before you, I was just pieces of a man. I didn't remember belonging to a place or a person. I feel like no one ever tells you the truth about how growing up can be a struggle and finding your path, your purpose...''
''But you have one.''
''No, I have nothing but shadows, which seem to chase me about. I move from place to place and they find me. Ignorance helps but when I was with you, and when I saw how you looked at me, depended on me and loved me. You risked it all for me and I would always do that for you.''
''But now I am torn.''
''Between an infatuation? A love affair? Rose, what am I to you?''
As the dusk drew to a close and the night set in, neither had realised just how much time had passed in their presence with the other. Each time they had spent time with the other seemed to be timeless. The temperature must have plunged lower since they had been out on the decks and yet, it seemed to be unnoticed as the warmth within their faces seemed to speak volumes.
Jack was serious. His eyes filled with something she couldn't quite put her finger on. His breathing seemed to be as affected as hers and as he clasped her right hand in his left and led it to his chest; she felt the pounding of his heart which caused her own to accelerate even more. His right arm was holding onto her waist, but his right, he couldn't help but let go of her hand to reach up to stroke her face. She seemed to flinch but it was beyond her own control for just a second.''I won't hurt you. I just have to know.''
Jack's eyes beneath the sinking sun seemed to completely match the ocean but in comparison to the other, the waves were dull. She held his shoulders so tight. Rose had never been in someone's arms, so strong and yet she felt so weak. Her lips parted as she had to gasp for air. The entire world around her had vanished away from then and with the pull of the ship, she seemed to feel as though she was floating without her lower body.
''I-I am infatuated with you. And I love you.''
''I know that.'' He searched her face for something to tell him that her feelings may even possibly reflect his; the depth of them at least. He saw her quick glance to his lips and then back to his eyes where she was pinned beneath his gaze once more. She was too frightened to move for fear of completely breaking their reverie.
Rose closed her eyes as his hands came up to her cheeks and wiped away the fresh lot of falling tears. Her emotion wasn't from anything but the current combination of overwhelming urges which were taking over her body. Why did her head and her heart pull so? Rose couldn't ignore them both for they both indicated towards the man before her. The cloud which Cal had descended across her; the fear which he had instilled had vanished. The man who she could not imagine not standing before her even just for a minute or her life would grow unbelievably cold once more. Her grasp on his arm tensed tenfold as the very thought terrified her.
''I love you, Jack. Too much.''
Rose's shaking seemed to have subsided but she was still left feeling exposed to someone fully for the first time in her life. It was unsettling. ''Then, would you let me marry you, take care of you?''
There they were; the unspoken words which Jack had desperately tried clinging onto for so long.
''But, is that not too much? Does it frighten you?''
''No, we have done the unimaginable. We have survived the sinking of the Titanic. We have found this—wonderful and fragile thing called love.''
''I am the one who is lost,'' she whispered against his lips, for he still hadn't move an inch for fear of breaking the smallest of contact between them.
''How so?''
Rose could feel his warmth next to her, but yet she still shivered. Just the sound of his voice alone seemed to cause her insides to tremble and the outside world seemed to disappear. It was just them now.
''The girl I was just a mere week ago, I seem to struggle to remember who she is.''
Jack's lips turned up into the smallest of smiles.
''Perhaps,'' he started, his right hand coming up her neck to her cheek to caress it there, ''perhaps you have the freedom which you have searched for.''
Rose blinked up at him, she felt blank for a second, not entirely understanding.
''It isn't the freedom which I desired so very much. Yes, I like that. The thing I wanted the most was you. In any world, I just wanted you in it."
Jack tilted his head to face her. Those naïve green eyes watched him with such intensity that it gripped his own heart like an iron fist. As her mouth fell open to inhale the icy breeze, she felt the sincerity of his words wrap around her. Jack held the opportunity within his hands. A man who was about to give her the freedom which she has craved for so long, the security and the capacity to live a life which was so outside of her grasp and now so within her own grasp.
The intensity of her own fear seemed to root her for a second.
''I don't belong to him anymore,'' she whispered, ''I wished to belong to you.''
''You belong to no other but yourself. I want to share your life, not own it.''
''But you do; I do want to belong to you. I already do in my body; you are my only. In my heart.''
A step had been taken into the future of her own life and it was a step which she had chosen and decided for herself. That was the first time for Rose Dewitt Bukater. If that was who she even was anymore. The identity seemed to slowly be left behind somewhere; perhaps she even died with the Titanic. A new day seemed to want to dawn and into the future unleash a new version of herself which would go on without the aid of another person, without the instructive tuition of her mother, without the control of Cal and freedom would be within reach. Rose would be in control of that.
It was meant to be a sad/parting ending but after writing and writing it became happy! Sometimes I feel my stories are repetitive with happy endings so I might need to spice it up from now on but here's just something inspired by Queen!