Part 1

The First Night

It is 3am and Chandler is certain he has made a huge mistake.

His intentions were pure. He wanted to give Monica a break, even if just for one night. Ever since they brought the twins home from the hospital, Monica took the lead, seeing to all their needs and coordinating every task. She consistently beat him into the spare bedroom whenever one of the babies would begin to stir. When the twins were asleep, wherever she was, the portable baby monitor followed. Even when she would walk over to Joey's apartment across the hall just to quickly let Chandler know dinner was ready; that monitor was held tight in her grasp.

Chandler didn't mind being second-in-command when it came to the twins. The way he saw it, he was already second-in-command when it comes to everything else in his life with Monica; what's one more thing? Besides, he knew that she was better prepared to take care of the twins than he was. Not only was she a natural at motherhood, she had all that practical experience from all the times she helped Ross with Ben and Rachel with Emma. She read all the baby books she could find, most of them twice. She created color-coded cross-referencing charts, which she tried in vain to explain to her husband.

"Chandler, it's easy: if Erica isn't giving you a burp, then you go to the green sheet in the Erica folder. Find the style of burping you are currently trying here along the top and the amount of food she ate down here on the side. When you connect the two you find this box with the page numbers for these three books, listing all the other burping techniques that are optimal for that situation. Then you mark down which one worked with the date and time on this pink sheet so we can reference it the next time. I don't know how much simpler it could be."

She might as well have been speaking a foreign language to him.

It certainly seemed like Monica had already mastered everything when it came to the twins. Feedings, diapering, swaddling; there wasn't anything she couldn't do. She quickly had everything down to a tight routine. Every three-and-a-half hours, night or day, she would prepare two new bottles of formula and bring them into their room. Jack, normally the first to stir, would get a quick diaper change and then a feeding. She would burp him, change him again and then place him in the mechanical baby swing at the lowest setting, twisting the musical mobile so it would play its gentle lullaby. While Jack was slowly swaying, lulled into a stupor from a belly full of formula, it would be Erica's turn for a clean diaper and a bottle.

Monica was also a natural with soothing her children. She would coo, make exaggerated faces, and talk to both babies at every step. She would smother them with kisses and marvel at their tiny hands and feet. Soon enough, it would be time to put them back down. One last diaper check, a perfect swaddle in their sleep sack, and back to the crib for another three or four hour nap. In Chandler's eyes, it was a forty-five-minute masterpiece. Like a perfectly choreographed ballet, an expertly conducted orchestra, and a highly skilled pit crew at the Indy 500, all wrapped up in one amazing woman.

Chandler would be there with her the entire time, handing over a clean diaper or a burping cloth on command. Baby powder, gauze, Vaseline, a clean outfit, anything Monica requested he would pull out from the changing table like a surgical assistant. Most of the time, if the babies were being fussy, he would hold one of the twins while Monica tended to the other one. Over the course of the entire first week while they still lived in the apartment, they worked seamlessly as a team.

Monica would whisper gleefully, "We are so winning at taking care of babies." as she closed their bedroom door behind them.

In quiet moments, mostly late at night, when they both were tired and holding their children, they would look at each other, smile and share this unspoken, mutual acknowledgment of how lucky they were. How extremely grateful they felt to be cradling these two babies in their arms. This afternoon, when they finally arrived at the house, and after the last of the movers had gone, it dawned on them that this was it. They were entering the next phase of their lives. It was a long and emotionally draining road getting to this point; filled with doubts and fears that they only shared with each other. Many times, they worried this would never happen for them. That they would never get here. But now, those nights that were filled with such dread have mostly faded away. They weren't those scared people anymore. They had their children; they had their new home and they had each other. They were parents. They were a family. They were whole.

Monica didn't skip a beat once they got into the new house. With the babies asleep in their room, she began breaking down boxes of kitchenware and organizing the drawers and cabinets; baby monitor never too far from her hands. Chandler took this time to go upstairs and make up their bed, he put some clothes for the next few days in the dresser and set up some towels in the bathroom. When he was finished, he walked over to the nursery to check on the twins.

He stopped short of entering and stood at the doorway, almost fearful that if he moved in any closer, he would disturb their sleep. They had the room painted a pretty shade of yellow. There was a cherry wood crib with a divider in the middle, and a matching changing table with some shelves attached. Two cushioned rocking chairs with ottomans for those nights both parents would have to settle down with a fussy baby. The mechanical swing and the vibrating chair settled against the wall. There were several stuffed animals, lined up on two shelves that were hung from the wall, including two Hugsy penguins which were gifts from their Uncle Joey. The walls were adorned with decals of classic Winnie the Pooh characters, Monica picked them out of a catalog, preferring the look of the original character designs. It was important to her that the nursery was ready before they moved in, so throughout the week Ross had helped them with the painting and furniture assembly. As Chandler looked around the room, he couldn't help but feel as though everything was falling into place.

He made his way back downstairs to the kitchen, with thoughts of grabbing some food from a local take-out place for a late supper. As he turned the corner, before he could say anything, he found Monica, at the kitchen table, her head down on her arms, fast asleep. Chandler was used to his wife burning the candle at both ends, but now, between the babies and the move, he imagines it must have simply overwhelmed her to keep up at her usual pace. Chandler checked the time. It was just after eight. He quickly calculated that he had a little over two hours to go before the twins would wake up, looking for a late supper of their own. Chandler crept up to his sleeping wife and pried the baby monitor from her hand. She stirred for a moment and opened her eyes.

"Mon, you're exhausted. Why don't you go to bed? We can finish up tomorrow."

"I just need to rest my eyes for a few minutes." Before she could say anything else, she fell back asleep.

"Why don't you rest them in the bedroom."

Chandler crouched down and leaned his wife's body into him. As he pulled the chair out, he hooked one arm underneath her thighs and the other around her shoulders. Monica instinctively nestled herself against her husband's chest as he lifted her from the chair. He carried her out of the kitchen and up the stairs to their bedroom. Once he entered the room, he gently laid her down on the bed. He pulled the covers up over her shoulders and placed a kiss on her cheek. Monica made some unintelligible protest but was soon breathing evenly and letting out soft, almost inaudible snores. Chandler looked back at her one more time and closed the door.

"Not how I wanted to celebrate our first night in the new house, but it'll have to do."

Chandler walked over to one of the spare bedrooms and rustled around in some of the unopened boxes. He dug out a plain white sheet, a fleece blanket and a pillow. He made his way downstairs and set himself up a makeshift bed on the couch in the den. He then entered the kitchen to retrieve the baby monitor and grab a slice of cold pizza from the fridge that he quickly devoured. When he finished eating, he decided to set his watch alarm for 10pm. He laid down on the couch, turned up the monitor, and, not ready to fall asleep, grabbed his book from the end table.

His first visit of the night with the twins went well. He was surprised at how much he must have absorbed from watching Monica all week. Chandler was already awake when the alarm on his watch went off and had previously set up the baby bottles with water at room temperature like the books told him too.

"I can't believe I remember something from a baby book! I have to tell Monica tomorrow morning."

He added the powdered formula and shook the bottles to mix it in and then brought them upstairs. He took turns with the twins and tried to talk as softly as he could. He was determined not to wake Monica up. After about an hour he was done and the babies were back asleep. He did a little victory dance in the hallway and then made his way back to the den.

"This is a piece of cake. I don't know why people complain about babies so much."

After setting up some new bottles with water he set his alarm for 2:30am and laid down on the couch to try and get some sleep, still giddy from his victorious first time alone caring for the twins.

Chandler awoke to what sounded like a cat meowing. He rolled over, deciding to ignore it while internally noting that he was missing the din of the city at night that would mask these solitary sounds that could puncture a peaceful slumber. He tried to go back to sleep but the noises became louder, like a siren wailing. Suddenly, he sprung up, realizing it was the twins crying over the monitor.

"Oh crap!"

He got up from the couch and moved as quickly as he could up the stairs and into the nursery. Once he entered, he rushed over to the crib to find both babies sobbing and fussing as they kicked their legs. Chandler noticed that Jack had gotten his arm out of the swaddle and was flailing it around, smacking himself in the head. He looked over at Erica, who had spit up all over her side of the crib, which soaked the mattress with a milk-like substance.

He quickly picked up Erica first. He took off her clothes and dropped them in the laundry basket, cleaned her face and changed her diaper. He then attempted to rock her back to sleep. She wasn't making it easy, still sobbing and cranky.

"I know baby girl, how about we sit in the swing."

He brought her over to the mechanical swing and set her up hoping the rocking would help. She got a little quieter, but was still fussing about.

"What is it guys? Are you hungry?"

Chandler assumed they must need a bottle, realizing that they have been getting fed almost every time they woke up. He instinctively went to grab a bottle from the changing table, before it registered with him that nothing was there since he had not prepared the formula before he came upstairs. He looked up and shook his head.

"I'll be right back guys."

Just as he turned to go back downstairs, Jack began wailing louder than Chandler had ever heard before. He quickly snatched him up while also attempting to make baby talk with Erica, since Jack's cries seemed to have disturbed her from the lull of the swing. Both babies were now crying uncontrollably. He placed Jack on the changing table and removed his diaper as quickly as he could.

"Okay buddy, lets get you cleaned up and then I'll feed you guys."

He looked down at Jack and rolled his eyes, remembering that he had to replace the gauze that was covering him as he still recovered from his circumcision.

"No one ever warned me that I would have to dress an open wound every time I changed you Jack."

Chandler was able to get Jack changed rather quickly, and after snapping up his onesie, he placed him in the vibrating chair.

"Okay, look guys. You have to be quiet. Mommy is sleeping and Daddy is about to have a full on panic attack. If I start panicking then I start making bad jokes and sweating and nobody wants that. Just wait here so I can get your bottles? Deal?"

To Chandler's surprise, it seemed like that worked as both babies began to quiet down. He could swear he detected sympathy in their eyes as they stared in his direction.

"Great. Even babies take pity on me."

Chandler returned quickly with freshly made formula, and it looked like he was just in time, as he could see Jack's face getting red as he prepared himself for another bout of wailing. He quickly snatched him from the chair and stuffed the nipple of the bottle in his mouth, which seemed to satisfy him as he calmed down and his eyes closed as he enjoyed the late night feeding. Once Jack was done with the bottle, Chandler put him back in the chair so he could focus his attention on Erica, who was still fussing away in the swing. He picked her up and prepared to feed her when he smelled something foul.

"Oh baby."

Chandler spun her around and took another whiff before he scrunched up his nose.

"We have to do something about that."

He carried her over to the changing table and carefully undressed her. He opened her diaper and froze.

"Wait. How do you clean poop off when they have a lady thing? I mean, Jack I get, we have the same equipment. But Erica, you have a…lady thing. What do I do?"

Erica's only answer was to look up at him, bleary eyed.

"Okay. I guess, the number one rule would be to keep the P out of the V? Right? I can do that. I'm just going to keep the poop away from your, uh, whole situation down there."

He started to carefully clean her, and for a moment Chandler felt like he finally had a handle on everything. Just then, Jack began to cry again.

"Oh buddy, give me a break, I'm working with a brand new model. I've never had to deal with one like this before."

Chandler used his foot to rock Jack in his seat as he finished with Erica. He carried her over to Jack so he could lean down and turn the nob up on his chair in order to intensify the undulations. Jack quieted back down as the vibrations of the chair soothed him. He then focused on feeding Erica and when she was done, he placed her back in the swing. With both babies finally mollified, he took his time changing the crib sheet that Erica had spit up on.

"Okay, I think we're done guys. Your fed, the beds clean. I don't know what else there could be to do."

As if on cue, Jack began to cry again. Chandler pulled him up and a familiar stench filled his nostrils.

"Oh man. You guys must make the same brand or something."

He took Jack over to the changing table and pulled open his diaper, revealing a foul-smelling, tar like substance in it.

"The doctor said that this would happen, but oh my God are you babies disgusting."

Chandler reached down for a wipe only to find the container empty.

"You have to be kidding me."

He looked across the room to the box of refills that was sealed up and resting on the floor.

"Of course. Okay buddy, lets go for a little walk."

He picked Jack up and started to carry him over to the wipes, but stops in the middle of the room when he started to feel a warm wetness against his chest. He looked down to a gurgling baby peeing on his stomach.

"C'mon dude!"

Chandler, without thinking, turns Jack around, but he keeps urinating and starts to get it on the wall and the rug.

"Did you not hear me say 'c'mon dude'?"

He turns the him back around and Jack finishes relieving himself on Chandler's shirt.

"I don't remember signing up for this."

He brought Jack back to the table and dragged the box of wipes across the room with his foot. He took his time to clean Jack up and once he was finished, he settled him back down into the chair. Chandler took a deep breath and began to remove his urine-soaked shirt.

"How did something so little do all this?" He looked at the two babies and shook his head. "Okay, I'll be right back guys." He turns to leave the room and immediately stepped in a wet spot on the floor which soaked his sock clear through.

"This was a huge mistake, wasn't it."

Chandler peeled off his sock and went downstairs to grab some cleaning supplies and paper towels. Once he returned to the nursery, he started to clean the floor and tried to soak up all the urine out of the rug. After fifteen minutes, Chandler was satisfied that he did the best he could to clean the mess his son had made.

"I just need to rest my eyes."

He stretched out on the floor, folded his arms and rested his head, quickly succumbing to his exhaustion. His nap only lasted for about five minutes, when he woke up upon hearing one of the twins fussing again. He looked over to see Jack, who was ready to start crying again.

"C'mon buddy, I just changed you. you ate, you have clean clothes and you peed on my favorite shirt. What else do you need to go back to sleep?"

"Well, he likes the swing more than the chair. Erica likes the chair."

Chandler turned to see a sleepy-eyed Monica standing in the doorway.

"Hey babe, I'm sorry. Did we wake you."

She yawned and slowly lurched into the room. "That's okay. Why didn't you come and get me to help out?"

Chandler lifted himself up from the floor and rubbed his eyes for a moment. "You've been doing so much this past week and I was worried about you. I wanted you to get a good night's sleep. You've been carrying the load for both of us with these two."

Monica made her way over to Jack and picked him up. She sat down in one of the rocking chairs and cradled him as she started to sway.

"Chandler, that is so sweet, but I haven't been doing it all on my own. You've been with me every time. Helping me out." Monica looked down at her son and made soft noises as she kissed him on the head.

Chandler took Erica from the swing and sat with her in the other chair. "Really?"

"Really. You always have a diaper ready, or a clean set of clothes, of a bottle. You've been amazing." She looked between both babies and then back at her husband. "Honey, this is too much for one person to do all the time. If I didn't have you to help me, I'd probably be a little lost."

Chandler, visibly taken aback from his wife's statement, could only swallow as his throat felt dry. "Monica, no you wouldn't. You're so good at this."

Monica scoffed and shook her head. "Yes, I would. Chandler. I'm scared out of my mind."

Chandler wrinkled his brow and looked over at her, completely perplexed by her confession. "Why are you scared? You're perfect."

"Are you kidding me? I worry that they'll get sick, or that I'll forget to do something that will ruin their mood, or that the formula will be too lumpy or maybe I'm using the wrong detergent for their clothes and they'll get a rash. And sometimes I worry…" Monica stopped herself and looked out the window.

"Mon, what is it?"

A tear prickled and began to slowly fall down her cheek as her voice cracked. "I worry that maybe they cry because they know I am not their mother."

Chandler could feel his heart break at that very moment. "Oh Mon. You're the only mother they know. If anything, they cry because they know you're their mother."

Monica snapped her gaze back to her husband. Clearly confused and a little insulted. "How is that better?"

Chandler shook his head. "That's not what I meant. Let me explain. They know that the second they make a sound; you will come running. They know that if they cry, the person who loves them more than anybody else in the entire world is going to be there to sooth them. They cry, because they know their mom – you – will come and take care of them. They are crying for the only mother they have. They're crying for you."

Monica smiled as another tear slipped down her face. "Chandler Bing. If I wasn't holding this baby, I would be all over you right now."

Chandler, looked down, noticing both twins were now asleep. "Well, maybe we put these babies down and see if we could do a little canoodling."

Monica smiled and placed the now sleeping Jack into the crib. She swaddled him tight and leaned over to kiss him. Chandler went to hand Erica to her and she gestured for him to keep her.

"You do it this time."

She watched her husband as he carefully wrapped his daughter up in her sleep sack. She smiled at the proud look that fell over his face.

"See? You're a natural too."

Chandler looked at her and smiled. "Thanks honey."

Monica playfully ran her finger up his arm. "I need you with me to say sweet things like that and keep me from going crazy too." She wrapped her arms around his neck and began to kiss him, but pulled back quickly as she scrunched up her nose. "Honey. I really want to show you my appreciation, but you smell like pee."