Are you joking

Ch.9: When Pidge met Sallie

Pidge is admittedly a little excited for tonight. The Sallie house is a lot more 'legit' than that stupid factory was so maybe something at least moderately spooky will happen.

Obviously not ghosts, but still. Anything to make their two resident believers freak out will make her more than happy.

"So when do I get to see the new toys?" She asks, looking to Lance excitedly.

"Ah,ah,ah." Lance wiggles his finger in her face, "No seeing them until we start filming."

"Tease." Pidge practically hisses, making him laugh.

"It's not too much longer." Hunk points out placatingly, "Just half an hour before we go in for the night. Let's grab some food and then head over."

"Absolutely." Keith agrees, heading into the front passenger seat as Hunk slides into the driver's.

"Wha-? This is my car!" Lance huffs and Hunk flashes him a smile.

"Keith and I did some research ourselves and found a nice spot for dinner."

"B-but-! Wait, when did you have time to do that?" He asks indignantly and Keith shrugs.

"Around the time you and Pidge were fighting over if the mom from Grudge could beat the girl from The Ring."

Pidge nods next to Lance in the back, "Makes sense, that did take about an hour."

"With an extra hour after a woman with long black hair went by and reminded you losers about it." Keith grumbles.

"Personally-" Hunk begins but Keith slams a hand over his mouth quickly.

"Do not start this argument again! Please!"

Lance and Pidge eye each other and she wants so badly to argue it again because come on The Ring girl would obviously win, but she catches Keith eying her in the rear-view mirror and decides not to this time.

Later, though.

This shit isn't over.

As promised, Keith and Hunk take them to a really nice little place, a BBQ. Hunk orders ribs, Lance and Keith both get taco Salads and Pidge gets wings and fries. Ok, so, only one of them actually got what they specialize in but still it was delicious so kudos to Hunk and Keith.

After dinner they head over, both Hunk and Lance growing more excited with every second. Pidge, too, honestly. Finally she gets to check out that new equipment.

Only Keith seems unfazed by it all. As expected.

They finally pull up the the house and Pidge side-eyes Lance with excitement. She wonders what stuff he bought. What do you even use for ghost hunting? Probably an infrared camera. That would just make sense.

Shit she's fucking stoked.

Hunk and Lance grab the gear while Pidge goes with Keith to the car of a woman waiting for them to show her their papers. She covers the rules; no damage to the house, no eating, no candles, no flames of any kind, no cooking, smoking, pets, and finally no sleeping in the beds.

The last one is kinda weird but they nod and show her their sleeping bags that Lance and Hunk are fumbling with along with their tech gear. This seems to appease the woman and she allows hands them spare keys before heading out.

"Wow," Lance breathes, suddenly behind Pidge, "This place is amazing. I can't believe we're here." He hands her a camcorder as Hunk hands Keith one. They all get them ready and Pidge snatches the stuff from Lance so he and Keith can do their thing. Their will-they-won't-they-find-some-ghosts-but-also-start-dating kinda thing.

"It's so tiny." Keith observes, heading up to the porch, "I wonder if the ghosts feel crowded."

"Oh my god, we just got here and you're already starting with this bullshit. This is a fucking demon house, show some respect. I mean come on, don't you feel strange at all here?" Lance groans and Keith shrugs.

"No, not really." He says before grinning at Pidge and pulling out his phone, snapping pictures of him in front of the door.

"What are you doing…?" Lance sighs and Keith smirks at him.

"Taking some selfies with a demon, of course." He teases before opening the door to see a baby doll in an old fashioned carriage. "Holy shit, Lance!"

"WHAT?" Lance jumps and tries to see past Pidge and Keith.

"There's a baby in here! No one told me we were gonna be seeing this terrifying shit." He puts an arm out in front of Pidge, "Don't worry, I'll protect you, Pidge!"

"No, Keith! Don't be a hero!" She mockingly cries out before Lance flicks the back of both of their heads.

"Fuck you guys."

"I'm just saying," Keith begins as they walk further in, "Babies are terrifying, so this demon is gonna have to bring out the big guns to beat that."

Lance smirks at him, "Maybe he'll send you some bugs."

"Haaaaah," Keith replies blankly, "Cute, Lance. Cute."

Hunk is the last to come in and they all set their bedding to the side before pulling out the gadgets. "Here's the infrared camera," He begins, handing it to a starry eyed Pidge, "We also have an EMF reader, which is supposed to go up for ghosts. Past...1? Yeah pretty sure past one." She grabs that but with much less interest, "Then were have the EVP ghost recorder, which is supposed to pick up their voices easier, basically."

"So it picks up really quiet things?" Keith prompts and Hunk shrugs.

"It's more just...supposed to be able to pick up their voices better? It's got something to do with, like, electric...waves...or something?"

"No, it's just a voice recorder." Lance interjects, "EVP stands for electronic voice phenomena, which is just the act of getting their voice on an electronic device, pretty much."

Pidge eyes it skeptically, "This didn't...cost extra for 'ghost hunting', did it?"

"Nah, it's a pretty basic recorder, but it's got a shit ton of recording time." Lance answers and Pidge nods, a little impressed with his knowledge on this stuff. The guy clearly did his homework, which is pretty surprising. Then again, it's a lot more fun to look shit up for something you are into than to study for your English test.

"Next up is the spirit box!" Hunk exclaims, pulling a new device out and Pidge eyes it curiously before snatching it up, "This uses radio noise to pick up any ghost voices."

Keith bursts out laughing, "What? What!? You can't be serious."

"What? The idea of using white noise to communicate with spirits is nothing new." Lance points out, "Hell, there's movies about it. It's a well-known belief that spirits manipulate energy to do pretty much anything like manifest or move shit, so it makes sense that to speak they need to manipulate sound. Still, the spirit box is kind of iffy, since it uses radio there's bound to be a word that pops up. I won't trust it unless it's more than three."

"How valiant of you." Keith deadpans.

"Huh, so a loud and obnoxious box screaming radio sounds at me. Awesome." Pidge says, voice dripping in sarcasm. The gadgets, honestly, are a bit underwhelming, but it still sounds like using them will be pretty interesting so she's still game. They'd be cooler if ghosts were actually real, but, whatever.

After dicking around with the gadgets a bit Keith plops down on a sofa chair and Lance sits on the edge of the couch, Pidge and Hunk on the floor with the camcorders prepared.

"All right, let's get into the big bad history of your demon named Sallie." Keith teases and Lance glares at him.

"I will!" Lance says, "The Sallie house is considered to be one of the most haunted places in America. It was built at the turn of the century and became the home of Charles Finney, a local physician who ran his business out of the front here, using it for office space and exam rooms."

"Seriously?" Keith asks, looking around, "That must have been a crowded little doctor's office."

Lance shoots him a glare. "Nobody asked for the peanut gallery's opinion."

Keith just smirks, "Rude, but do go on."

"Ugh, well, they say that one day a mother came running into the office with her six year old daughter who collapsed from abdominal pain. He diagnosed it as appendicitis and in his rush to help her he didn't wait for the anesthesia to fully kick in before he started cutting. This led to the girl screaming in agony before going limp and pale, dying on the operating table, with her last memories of a man who was seemingly torturing her to death. That little girl's name was Sallie."

Pidge feels Hunk move closer to her, even though it's still daylight outside, and she pats his back comfortingly.

"Ooooooh, so spooky." Keith mocks, earning a pillow to the face from Lance.

"The physician died there later, followed by the deaths of a few more of it's owners, adding to the ghosts living here. Shit got real, though, in 1993 when a young couple rented it out."

Pidge laughs, "Shit got real? You sure can paint a picture."

"Shut up. Anyways, Debra and Tony Pickman moved in December 31st, 1992. The hauntings started small, with lights flickering and their dog barking at the entrance to the nursing room, quote, 'as if someone was playing with him'. Soon their neighbor asked why their nursery light was on all night long, which was odd to Debra, since she always turned it off when she put the baby to bed."

"Spooky." Keith says and Lance nods.

"It's at least odd, right?"

"Yeah, it's at least odd."

Lance grins, like he's won something even though Keith is clearly not buying any of it. " Yes! So, anyways, things got real on July 14th 1993 when they went to the baby's room and saw some of the stuffed animals all lined up in a circle in the middle of the room. At first they thought it was a prank by one of them, since Debra's sister Karen was up, so they put the animals back, turned off the light and went downstairs. When they went back up the light was on and a little bear was knocked out of a wicker chair."

Keith gasps, "Not the bear! Poor little guy didn't do shit!"

"Gotta get outta there," Pidge pipes in, "Fucking ghosts are chucking bears around the house."

Lance scowls, "Are you telling me you wouldn't be a little weirded out by seeing a bunch of stuffed animals in a cult circle when no one did it?"

"I-um-hm..." Keith shrugs, "I don't know."

"Yeah, well, like Pidge said, after that they got spooked and left for a while."

"Did they take the teddy bear?" Pidge asks and Lance raises a brow as Keith shoots her his patented 'I love your weird ass' looks.

It's a very specific look.

Reserved only for her.

"Did they-? No, I doubt they took the teddy bear." Lance says and Keith gasps.

"Poor little guy gets manhandled by a demon and has to stay in the house? Jesus. These people were cold hearted."

"Anyways, when they went back Tony got scratched and would continue to get scratched until they moved out. One even manifested on video. Soon in their desperation the couple hired a psychic, who picked up on a spirit named Sallie. On October 31st 1993, Tony went to grab a glass of orange juice in the kitchen and saw a girl in early 1900's clothing. He drew the girl for his wife. Another family who lived there before the Pickmans had a 5 year old daughter who had an imaginary friend named Sallie. She was shown the picture Tony drew eleven years after living there and said it was the same as her imaginary friend. Tony eventually wanted to leave the place, but Debra didn't as she wasn't being bothered by the ghosts and saw no point-"

Keith laughs, "Her husband is, like, getting scratched the fuck up apparently, and when he asks to leave she's like 'what? But why?' that's cold."

Lance laughs a little, "Yeah, it is. Don't worry, though, it gets worse for poor ole Tony. He said, quote, 'It got to the point where I, when I was in the house, I could not think any happy thought. It was just strictly I wanted to hurt her. I...I was a whole different person. That something can come inside me and make me capable of...doing that...I just...it tears me up. As much as I hate to say it...I'd planned on slitter her throat'"

"Jesus Christ!" Keith gasps, "If you slit my throat tonight, I'm gonna have a hard time forgiving you for that."

"Will you haunt me as revenge?" Lance smirks.

"No, I won't, because ghosts aren't real so it's impossible." Keith counters before laughing a little, "Really, I guess you can't blame him. I mean she's making him stay in that house where little demon girls chuck teddy bears and interrupt early morning OJ time. Oh, right, and scratch the shit out of him. Anyone would get bitter."

"That's not-! I couldn't find a timeline for when everything happened but come on, Keith, she moved out eventually and it wasn't him thinking those thoughts."

"I'm just saying, if my husband wouldn't let me leave a place where ghosts were fucking me up I would be a little more pliant to their suggestions to murder him."

"That's...I…" Lance groans, looking defeated, "Well, that's you. This guy didn't want to hurt his wife."

"Just saying." Keith shrugs and Lance glares at him.

"Well stop. Besides, they were only in there until 1994. Just a little over a year, so it's not like she held out for long. It's hard to find places to live, dude."

"Well, I guess that's fair."

Lance rolls his eyes, "Anyways, they moved out, and some time later another family moved in with their two kids. They didn't see any activity, but then one day the landlord made a surprise visit to the house and he alleges when he went down to the basement he found a large pentagram on the floor, an altar, a large black kettle, and a black cloak."

Keith laughs a little as he begins speaking, "A pointy hat, a broomstick, three newts, a lizard's tongue, eyeballs, Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, Winifred's spell-book, that's no-"

"Hey, man, that's what he found!" Lance interjects, "Many believe the female tenant was a Satan worshiper, performing sacrificial rituals. To this day there's still a mark on the basement floor where the rituals allegedly took place. Consequently, many believe the demon lives in the basement, in a hole in the back wall."

"Cool, cool." Keith looks around the room, amused, "Bet you're pretty excited to stay the night."

"Absolutely not. In fact, a little terrifying fact, someone who slept here for the night in the past claims to have woken up to a pale, gaunt, creepy looking fucker laying next to her and staring at her."

"Honestly, that sounds like sleep paralysis, which is why I discount anything claimed at night in bed by people."

Lance frowns, "Real or not, if I see something terrifying next to me I'm gonna piss myself."

Pidge bursts out laughing, letting out a few snorts. "Damn now I really hope you see some shit!"

Hunk looks at Pidge nervously, "I don't. There's a good chance I'll piss myself, too. If not from fear than in solidarity."

Lance grins over at him, "You my beau, bro."

"You know it." Hunk grins back.

Pidge and Keith look at them for a second before looking at each other, Pidge speaking up first, "I just want you to know...if you fucking piss yourself I will be laughing at you and I will never let you live it down."

Keith smirks at her, "If you piss yourself I'll take a picture and send it to Matt."

She gasps, "You! Monster! I can't even do the same for you because Shiro would just worry and fucking drive to Kansas to make sure you're okay!"

Keith laughs, "Yeah, he would. Matt, however, would blow up your picture and make it into a blanket to lay out on the couch and display for all visitors."

Pidge narrows her eyes at him, "If that ever happens, you better watch your dick, Keith. Now come on, Lance managed to prattle on until it got dark so let's check this place out."

"Not like it took long, it's winter after all." Lance mutters and Keith stands up, brushing imaginary dirt off his legs.

"Sweet, think the original teddy bear is here? I wanna give him an apology hug for all he's gone through."

Pidge rolls her eyes, "No, Keith, I don't think the bear is still here."

"Awww, that's too bad." Hunk frowns, "Seeing Keith hug a bear would be cute."

Lance scoffs, a noticeable tinge of red to his face, "Like anything Keith could do would be cute."

A/N: Shit another two weeks wow well sorry about that. I hit some hardcore writers block. Hardcore.

So.

Yeah.