I'm flattered by the kind response I got on this new fic. So, I hope ya'll are ready to go on a journey with me through this hiatus.

Jay

I slowly open my eyes. The morning light filtering through the window momentarily blinding me. I squint, looking around – I guess I fell asleep on the couch. Sluggishly, I push myself to a sitting position and hear a knock. I figure that's probably what woke me up in the first place. I groan and head to the door. I look through the peephole and see my brother on the other side.

He knocks again, this time accompanied by his muffled voice. "Jay. It's me, open up."

Fine. I groan and open the door.

"Hey there, little brother," Will says, entirely too cheerful for this early in the morning. Without waiting for an invitation, he walks right in and doesn't bother hiding his perusal of my apartment. "It still looks like you just moved in yesterday."

"Waiting for the throw pillows to arrive."

"Huh. Cool."

"That was a joke."

Will nods. "At least you still have your sense of humor."

"What do you want, Will?"

"Just finished my shift, thought I would drop by and see how you were doing." When I don't answer him, he adds, "Still mad at me for not telling you Hailey was back in town?"

I just roll my eyes and shuffle to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. It's way too early to have any conversation, let alone this conversation without coffee. I put a pod into the machine and set my mug underneath it.

"So you're gone give me the silent treatment? How mature."

I take in a deep breath through my nose and glared at Will. "A heads up would've been nice."

"I was going to tell you—"

"But you didn't and I was completely blindsided," I shake my head and grimace. "You know, a text would've done the trick. Hailey's back. That's all you needed to say."

He sighs, defeated-like before saying, "Look, I didn't want to upend your life."

"How's that plan going?" I ask with a little more bite than I intended.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think—"

"You're damn right you didn't think." I look at the coffee machine, realizing I hadn't actually started the brewing process. I hit start and cross my arms, leaning against the counter. "The shock of seeing her was like a punch to the gut." An ache sharper than any physical wound.

I let my head hang low for a few seconds before I add, "Can't believe she's back."

"How're you holding up?"

I rake my hand through my hair and try to think. "I don't know, man. Not great." I shrug. "It's Hailey."

Will nods his head knowingly. "This is what I was afraid of." He digs the heels of his hand into the edge of the counter and leans forward. "You still love her, don't you?"

"Never stopped." I bury my face in my hands and groan. "Ugh, I'm so screwed."

"Do you have any idea where she stands?"

I shake my head, sipping my coffee and ignoring the sting of its too hot temperature on my lips. "I know she still blames me for what happened."

"Did she say that? Because I think you might be projecting."

"She doesn't have to say it. I can see it in her eyes. She never looked at me the same after that night."

"What happened was no one's fault," he says firmly. "Get that through your head."

"I should've been there for her."

"Yeah," he agrees, running a hand through his mane of red hair. "Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep your distance, for both of your sakes."

"I just don't know how I'm supposed to do that working with her every day." Will's eyes narrow, confusion clearly written all over his face. "She's working in Intelligence now," I explain. "Temporary basis, while Burgess is in furlough."

"How did that happen?"

"Long story short, we took over a Robbery-Homicide case and she ended up working with us. And because she's Hailey, Voight offered her the vacant position."

"At least it's temporary."

"I have a feeling Voight's going keep her. I'm the only one foolish enough to let her go."

Will half chuckles, half sighs. "Oh, man. That's rough. Take it from me, working with your ex is no walk in the park."

"Tell me about it." I sip my coffee. It's still too hot and burns the tip of my tongue. "She still wears the same perfume, uses the same coconut shampoo…" Just thinking about her makes me slightly delirious. "…I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Have you tried talking to her, just to air things out?"

"I've tried, but she turned me down."

Will releases a deep sigh and moves to make himself a cup of coffee. "Sorry bro, but It looks like you will have to find a way to move on."

"Easier said than done."

"It's not like you have a choice," he deadpans. "It's been five long years, bro. Maybe this is a sign, the closure you never got."

"I don't want closure. Never did. I want her."

"Doesn't seem like the feeling is mutual," Will says and winces, knowing he just emblematically punched me in the gut. "I didn't mean to be so blunt, but maybe knowing she's okay and moving on will motivate you to do the same."

The thought hadn't occurred to me before, and the idea makes me jealous.

"You want her to be happy, right?" Will prompts.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Then you gotta let her go. Jay, get your life together and go out socializing. You never know, you might find someone."

I don't want to get my life together again. I just want everything to go back to how it was before it all went to hell. Sometimes I torture myself by thinking how my life could have been if circumstances were different. How we could've been married, with kids, living in a house with the wrap-around porch she always wanted. Hailey is burned in my brain, her kiss, her smell, the feel of her arms around me. She's the only person who can make me whole by just looking at me.

"It's been five years, Jay. It's time." He pats my back in a distanced hug. "Explore your options. Make a conscious decision to finally let Hailey go."

I scoff. If only I could figure out how to live with half of my heart.

x

It's been two weeks since Hailey started working in Intelligence, and of course, she fits right in. Everyone loves her, and why wouldn't they. Hailey is kind, smart, and damn good police. However, every time I see her, I feel this crushing weight on my chest – anger, disappointment – at myself. I'm reminded of everything wrong in my life, all the things I've tucked in a box deep in my conscience. Five years. That's how long they've been sitting there sprouting emotional mold, and it's slowly becoming toxic to my well-being.

Tonight, I find myself at Molly's with the unit. We've just closed a grueling kidnapping case and everyone needs to unwind and recharge. The drinks flow and a kind of easy, goofy few hours ensure. The sound of the constant chatter and beer glasses clattering helps drown the noise in my head.

Having Hailey here makes this gathering sort of surreal, with the bar and other patrons fading into a one-dimension gauzy background. We might as well be the only two people here because every cell in my body seems to have a heightened awareness of only her and her movements. She feels so close, yet, so far away.

"C'mon Jay, just one shot," Ruzek pleads.

I can feel Hailey's gaze on me and every time I glance in her direction, our eyes meet. I look away fast, stay cool, keep my head in the game.

"I'm good, Ruze," I answer.

"Just one shot."

I shake my head, keeping my stance.

"Jay's not a big drinker," Kim says to Hailey, who nearly chokes on her drink.

She sizes me up with a glance and arches an extremely skeptical eyebrow, revealing a scar there. I notice because I expect it, and it'll always be a reminder of that night.

"Jay's not a big drinker, huh?" Hailey asks, and a playful smile teases the corners of her mouth.

"Actually…" Kim continues, "I haven't seen him drink anything stronger than a beer."

Hailey has the gall to look amused but in a stunned way.

"Trying to keep my wits about me, unlike you guys," I explain, to steer the conversation away from me.

"Lame," Ruzek says, waving me off, and downing his glass. He looks past me, his eyes landing on Hailey. He waggles his finger at her drunkenly. "So Upton, how are you liking Intelligence so far?"

"Uh, I really like it," she says and gnaws her lip, which she does when she's nervous. "I finally feel like I'm doing some good," she adds.

Everyone nods in agreement. Intelligence is by no means perfect, but we love this city, and the work we do surely reflects that. Have we made mistakes along the way? For sure, but hopefully, the good outweighs the bad.

"But you're from Chicago, right?" Kim says to which Hailey nods. "So what made you leave?"

Our eyes meet for one terrible second and I see all the different emotions flicker across her face. A strange pang struck my chest.

"Uh..." She sinks her teeth hard into her lower lip and I think the flesh will split open. "It was a good opportunity," she answers. "I got to work undercover, travel the country, and see how other units operate. Gained a lot of perspectives. Definitely helped me be a better cop."

"So, why'd you come back?" Kevin asked. "Cause it sounds like you had a pretty sweet gig."

Hailey lets out a nervous laugh and studies the label on the bottle, playing with one corner that has started to peel away from the glass. "It was a great gig, Kev, and what I needed at the time. But it was just time to come home," she says with a hint of vagueness in her voice that flashes a warning light in my head. I study her, trying to read her face, but she's wearing an expression entirely new to me.

"There's no place like Chicago," Ruzek says and raises his beer bottle. "Bitter wind, cold days, but full bars."

We all toast and sip our drinks.

The table breaks into small conversations, but I'm not listening. Instead, I'm watching Hailey peel the label from her bottle, tear it into strips, and twist each strip between two fingers until the strip is a mere pellet. The concentration in her eyes allows mine to roam her features and the sight brings a smile to my face. I've been grappling with the sad notion that Hailey is a stranger to me, but then, she goes and does all the (old) little things that made me fall in love with her, like decimating a label from a bottle.

The Hailey I knew had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies that left me befuddled and shaking my head most days. Like the fact that she regularly sang the wrong lyrics to well-known songs. Or that she talks to herself when she cooks. Or that she can't drive by a yard sale without stopping to at least see if there's anything worth buying. People call these things imperfections, but they're not – it's the good stuff, what intimacy is all about. I remember all her little habits, the twists of her lips, the expressions deep in her eyes. I remember everything.

That is why I find it difficult to accept that we are strangers now.

There's a snap of fingers in front of my face. I resurface in time to hear Antonio calling my name. When did he get here?

"Earth to Jay, earth to Jay," he says, waving his hand in front of me now. "Hey, you back?"

I clear my throat and look around, and everyone has their eyes on me. "What?" I ask.

"You've been keeping a secret from us," he says.

"What are you talking about, Tony?"

"A little birdie told me, that you and Upton know each other," Tony says.

I take a second to compose myself, I can practically feel the color draining from my face. I probably look like I've seen a ghost. Like my ghosts are catching up with me.

I clear my throat. "Does this bird have red hair?" I ask and everyone laughs, somewhat easing the tension.

"We attended academy around the same time," I put simply. From my periphery I see Hailey release a long-held breath. "Think I was a year ahead," I add like an after-thought.

For a moment Hailey seems dazed. Finally, though, she nods. "Yeah, we knew each other. But I was pulled for the undercover gig," she explains and flashes a nonchalant smile.

"Nah…" Antonio shakes his head. I can tell he is a little more than tipsy. "Not what I heard," he says, gesturing dramatically with his hands. And at this moment I think of all the ways I'm going to make Will pay for this.

"I heard that you guys were good friends."

Everyone catches Tony's slight insinuation and all eyes turn back to me, making me feel like I'm an animal at the zoo. I take a swig, wishing this had a higher alcohol content.

"Yeah, we were friends." This statement leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Reducing what we had – lived—as a passing friendship is a gut punch. It was way more. It was everything.

"Noooo waaaaay…" Kim says suddenly, her mouth drawing the words out excitedly. "Aww, you guys were academy sweethearts?"

I notice Hailey is smiling, but her eyes are sad.

"We might have gone on a date or two." The words fly out of my mouth without having taken full shape in my brain. I kick myself internally for my slip up and watch as Hailey's mind chews on what I said.

There's an inevitable uproar from our coworkers, followed by teasing and colorful commentary. Thankfully, it is short-lived. Their alcohol-numb brains can't focus long enough and the conversation veers away from us. Eventually, everyone scatters and it is just Hailey and me. We sit across from each other just a few feet apart, but there might as well be an ocean between us.

I notice she is lost in a world of her own as she sips her drink occasionally, her eyes out of focus, maybe even a little despondent. I take one of the little pellets she crafted from the beer label and fling it at her. Surprised, she turns to look at me and I grin.

"Nervous?" I say motioning to the collection of the pellets.

She lets out a soft chuckle and flicks a pellet in my direction. "I was," she admits and rolls her eyes, a small smile appearing on her lips. "I'm not good at the personal stuff. "

"I know."

"Oh, did you now?"

I nod. "Yeah," I say smugly. "I'm a pretty perceptive and intuitive guy. I don't like to brag—"

"Really?" she asks, her eyebrows raised.

I flash her a grin. "Well, maybe a little," I say. "Anyways, you don't have to worry about these guys. They will tease, but will always have your back."

Hailey closes her eyes, breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly. "I hope so because the secret is out."

I nod. "They are the most elite detectives in CPD. It would've come out eventually. Also, you know Will can't keep secrets."

"He didn't tell you about me," she counters, her voice small, tentative.

I nod. "True, but that wasn't really a secret, was it?"

"No."

We fall silent, still learning to navigate this gray area we find ourselves in. But the air is comfortable between us, and for the first time since she's been back, the pain of having her near isn't debilitating, and the awareness fill me with hope.

"So," she takes a big swig of her bottle. Hailey has an uncanny ability to make her face entirely neutral. Though, there is an amused glint in her eyes and a small grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. I can tell from experience that this girl is about to wreck me. "No more drinking, huh?"

"I try to stay away," I say and she gives me her best, yeah, right expression. "A beer buzz is enough, can't handle those hangovers anymore." I must have some weird look on my face, because she laughs, shaking her head. "What? I'm serious. I just can't handle it anymore," I add, though I know she knows that's not the whole truth.

"If you say so," she says relenting, her eyes falling on the half-empty bottle of Hennessy on the table.

"You thinking of finishing it?" I ask motioning to the bottle.

"Yeah, I'll just sit here and drink this whole big bottle," she counters, in a sarcastic tone.

"You'd try," I tease. "And we know what'll happen after that."

Hailey blushes but quickly recovers. "Forget you. I only threw up that one time."

"Twice," I correct her. "You threw up in the Ferris Wheel too."

Hailey scoffs and shakes he head. I bite my lips to hold my smile knowing what her reaction will be.

"That was different!" she says, defensively. "I didn't throw up because we were drinking. I threw up because you took me on a giant spinning wheel, which I said I didn't want to get on. Don't cross me, Jay, you know I've got Sicilian in my blood."

"Oh my bad, Hails," the nickname spilling easily from my lips. "I thought we were talking about the times you threw up and I had to clean up."

"Shut up. It wasn't like it was my fault. If you hadn't made me go on it, I wouldn't have thrown up. So there."

I chuckle, remembering how we had skipped training to go to the Navy Pier. The day was warm, and the air smelled like grilled kebabs and sweet popcorn. We drank and ate too much. I remember Hailey's face turning rosy from the sun, and when she smiled, her nose wrinkled in a way that hid most of her freckles. Seeing that smile was like seeing the sunrise after a long winter.

She is smiling now – a real smile, not one of those polite smiles she's been tossing all night. Then something unspoken passes between us. I stare at her in silence and she stares back. That day at the Pier I asked her to be my girlfriend. She laughed, nodding her head, and took hold of my hand, and hers felt so small and warm. And that was it. From that point on I knew I was hers.

She gives me this grin that's hard to pin down. It's sort of amusing, but not in a bad way. "I ruined your shoes," she says, cringing.

"Hey, I needed new shoes anyway," I wave it off.

We reminisce a little longer and I'm reminded of how easy it is to talk to her. Other than the subtle tension between us, the conversation flows along effortlessly, never forced. I'm soaking up every second, drinking her in. I've missed the cute way her nose crinkles when she is confused, and the way her left hand is always smudged with ink. I've missed seeing her wearing my clothes, smelling her perfume, and her warm body, one with mine at nights. I've missed trivial things, like a day off to cuddle on the couch. I've missed her smile; her often off-beat sense of humor and the practical jokes that she would sometimes play on me. But what I've missed the most is being in tune with her, I miss being her soulmate.

"It's getting late," she says and there is a soft glint in her eyes. She stares at me so intently I start to wonder if there's something on my face. "I think I'm going to head out."

"Yeah," I agree. "I should probably get going too."

We put our coats on and step outside, and I'm finally able to take a few deep breaths that aren't laced with her sweet smell, my brain is still processing this whole situation. As big of an accomplishment it is being able to be close to her, it is something that I need to be very careful of. I have to make sure I don't do anything stupid. Don't want to hurt her again.

"It got chilly out," she notes.

"Yeah, it did," I reply and give her a smile.

"I guess I'll see you Monday?"

"Yeah."

We start to part ways when she suddenly reaches out and takes hold of me, hugging me tightly around my neck. Her proximity sets my senses on fire. Her body is so close; I can feel her warmth despite the sharp cold night air.

I want to lean into it.

Lean into her.

The urge is so overwhelming and desperate, it shocks me with intensity. I blamed the alcohol for effectively lowering her inhibitions. Without it, I doubt she would've done it. Scared of what I might do, I take a careful step back and ask the first question that comes to mind to distract myself.

"You still take your coffee black?"

Hailey half chuckles, then those lips that I've kissed a thousand times - what feels like a thousand years ago now - curl up in a soft smile. "Yeah."

"Okay, then," I mutter back, not sure what else to say.

I watch her walk to her car and before she climbs in she looks back, her eyes telling things her mind will probably never be able to put into words. As she pulls away from the curb and the last I see of her is her hand as she waves goodbye, then she turns a corner. She leaves and all that that remains is her scent in the air and her words in my head.

Thank you for reading. Your reviews always puts the biggest smile on my face. And always, a big thanks to onechicag-oupsteadrhekker on Tumblr for helping me Beta this.

Also, find me on Tumblr: DedeenMarie

Cheers, D.