Hey everyone. Thank you for all the feedback on the last chapter. I know some of you were pretty upset with Will, with reason. But just remember that Hailey left Will too. One of my headcanons is that Will and Hailey are buddies. Will is hurting too, guys. (FYI, there will be a nice scene between Will and Hailey in ch. 5).

Without further ado... Here's Ch.4.

Jay

"Will, what the hell?" I say, slamming my front door shut more forcefully than I intended. No, that isn't true. I slammed it— on purpose. "What's gotten into you?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he says, turning back towards the living room. "What were you thinking?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Getting in bed with Hailey!" Will says, his voice sharp, like a piece of wood snapping under too much weight.

I'm not in the mood for an inquisition, but I can't seem to stop myself from responding. "Nothing happened," I say with too much bite. "And even if something did happen, why would it concern you?"

Will scoffs, but not in a humorous way. "Why would it concern me? After she left you, I dragged your sorry ass back home for months, sleeping by your bedside to make sure you didn't choke on your own vomit after another night of drinking yourself to death. So yeah, this concerns me."

I open my mouth to answer, but the reminder of my past mistakes stings. To be honest I can't remember much about that time (for obvious reasons). I have vague memories of Will shoving me into his car, and then brief, vivid flashes of him forcing water down my throat. For nearly seven months, alcohol kept me numb, it blocked the pain or whatever is the name given to a feeling of emptiness from losing everything you love.

Will releases a frustrated sigh. "Why would you want to put yourself through that again?"

"Nothing happened," I say and it comes out gruffer than I intended. I soften my tone. "We just talked. Nothing happened."

"Are you listening to yourself, Jay? I mean, fuck, man. She was in your bed." He puts a hand to his forehead, massaging his wrinkled brow. "You're playing with fire, whether you realize it or not."

Call me a masochist, but if Hailey is fire, I want to be consumed by it. I'm drawn to her like a moth to a flame, and neither distance nor time has/will change that.

"What do you want me to say?"

He draws in a deep breath and then lets it out in an irritated groan. "Jay, you can't let your guard down around her. Otherwise, you'll end up down the same hole you crawled out of all those years ago."

"That's not going to happen," I say. "I'm not that guy."

"You say that now." Will sighs, letting the breath slowly out of his lungs. "Look, I'm going to say something that you're not going to like, but I want you to think about it before you open that big mouth of yours. Ready for it? Here it goes. You can't go back to the way things were."

"But why not?"

"You're serious?" Will asks on an exasperated sigh.

I'm not naïve enough to think we can go back to how things were. Hailey and I are different people and no amount of time can erase what happened. But maybe we could build something new, a different version of us, if you may. It could be better, stronger, sweeter.

"Jay," Will pulls me out of my thoughts. "Holy shit! You're thinking of getting back with Hailey."

"Is it so hard to fathom us together again?"

"Jay, there's too much baggage there. You're setting yourself up to get hurt again." Will's voice is softer, but he is firm to his original opinion. "Jay, you can't go back there."

"I can't hide how I feel, it's not like a faucet I can turn on and off."

"I'm not asking you to hide it, just don't act on those feelings." Will plops himself on the couch as if all fight in him is gone. "But I know you'll do whatever you want anyway, so…"

"Hey, I appreciated you looking out for me," I say, sitting on the couch opposite of him. "But I would be lying if I told you I didn't want her back. Will, I want Hailey to spend the night. Every night."

"The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, bro. She couldn't get out of here fast enough."

"She ran out of here because you couldn't keep your damn mouth shut. That was completely uncalled for. Hailey didn't deserve that, especially not from you."

A dark stain of embarrassment spreads up his throat, but he doesn't back off. "Whatever you're thinking of doing… it's a bad idea."

Silence falls between us, and for once, Will is quiet. As if he is waiting. Waiting for me to backtrack and promise to forget about Hailey. But I can't. He knows I can't. I know Will is tired of hearing me talk about Hailey, but he is the only one I can vent to.

He eyes me warily for a moment and sips his coffee, then his face twists in disgust. The coffee has long gone cold. Will puts the coffee mug down and lets the subject drop, but scowls, nonetheless.

"So, how're you doing, with the shooting and all?"

I shrug. "Still trying to make sense of it."

"Don't. That would be like listening to an album playing backward. All you can do is push forward, keep doing your job. Focus on the lives you saved, and not the ones…" He doesn't finish the sentence. It is implied. The lives lost.

"Is that what you do?" I ask.

He shrugs. "It's what I try to do, but some stay with you. You just learn to carry it with you."

I nod and give him a small smile. Unfortunately, I know that way too well.

Will doesn't stay long. Even though his methods usually rub me the wrong way, I know he means well. If anyone loves Hailey more than me, it's Will. The two of them were buddies. They both shared the same weird interests, especially when it came to television shows. They would spend entire days binge-watching British period dramas. Also, Hailey was the only one who truly enjoyed hearing Will yap about medical school.

I guess I wasn't the only one heartbroken when she left.

I spend the rest of my morning and well into the afternoon trying to get a hold of Hailey. Predictably, she's not taking my calls or answering my texts. Part of me wants to respect her need for space, but part of me is scared that if I back off, she may decide to do something drastic – like leave again. She was very shaken up when she left this morning. So maybe I give her today, but I will try again tomorrow.

I close my eyes and think of how I woke up in the middle of the night and found Hailey asleep with her head awkwardly slumped to the side. I debated on what I should do and decided to merely adjust her so that her neck wouldn't be stiff. I gently pulled her all the way down and she barely flinched. Hailey isn't a heavy sleeper, so the fact that she didn't stirs told me she was exhausted.

I sat there and let my head think, not my heart. I was about to go crash on the couch when she turned over and wrapped her arm around my waist. Then every rational thought flew out the window. My skin tingled at the contact, a chill more pleasurable than words. But then her touch had always done that, and I missed it terribly.

So, I selfishly slid back down the bed and she instinctively tucked her head beneath my chin, like she used to do. Her warmth sent a wave of bliss through my veins like a shot of morphine. I was out light a light.

x

It is Sunday and it's been radio silence from Hailey. I can still smell her on my sheets. It's fading quickly, but her scent is here. It's intoxicating and makes my heart do that annoying squeezing-thing. Hence, I linger a little longer in bed, ignoring how pitiful and desperate it is, and for the briefest instant, her scent transports me back in time to a particularly good memory.

It was Will's graduation party at the Westin. We drank a little too much and I made her dance to every song. She was a good sport and just went along, indulging me with her big, beautiful smile. We drank, we shared stolen kisses, we went skinny dipping in the hotel pool after hours, and when the first light of dawn shined in her eyes, she told me she loved me.

I pull back on the memory, tucking it away again before I get completely distracted. I'm still figuring out how to navigate the maze of images and emotions I have of us that recently resurfaced. Sometimes I feel that I might get sucked into one and lose myself completely.

I try calling Hailey and even send a series of text messages, but again she doesn't answer. I hold out going to her place for as long as I can, but when five o'clock rolls around I hop in the truck and head there. I decide to pick up those Homemade Gyros from Greek Islands – it's her favorite food. I need all the help I can get.

When I arrive, I spot her car parked outside. I flash my badge at the doorman and make my way up to her apartment. At the door, I hesitate for a second but decide to knock. The sound echoes. I listen for movement inside. Nothing. I knock again and press my ear against the door. Silence. And then, suddenly, I hear muffled footsteps.

"Hailey, it's me. I just need a minute."

I wait, then knock again.

"I brought gyros. Ground beef and lamb. No onions."

Silence.

I know she's inside, but she's not opening the door. I'm not sure what to do – the last thing I want is to push her further away– but I'm not about to leave either.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me," I say.

I take a deep breath and I think for a minute. I don't actually have a plan. I lean against the door and decide I'm going say whatever I came here to say.

"I'm sorry about Will. He was out of line. He shouldn't have confronted you like that. You know how he is, always putting his foot in his mouth…"

Silence.

"Look, I appreciated you coming over and letting me vent. The thing that works? Well, it still works between us. I slept like a baby." I take a deep breath and then another, which I release slowly, and as I do, I'm struck with a thought. "You passed out too. Very unlike you. Everything okay?"

I wait and listen, only hearing silence on the other side. Slowly I let my back slide down the door until I plop on the floor.

"Hailey, I don't know how to do this… I don't know how to be just your friend…." I let the words linger in the air. "But I can learn… It will just take time, but I will do whatever it takes because I don't want you to leave. You deserve your spot in Intelligence." I close my eyes, let my head rest back. "I know how hard it is to be away from home, and this is your home."

I feel a gentle thump against the door. I press my ear to the cold wood. It is quiet, but I hear a soft sniffle from behind the door.

"Hailey…. Talk to me, please. At some point we are going to have to talk about us, otherwise, we will never be able to coexist."

Another sniffle.

"We don't have to talk about the big things. We can start small. Like, the reason I stop myself at one beer is that I don't want to end up like my dad. I resented him for so long for being a senseless drunk, but there I was following in his footsteps."

Silence.

"What I'm trying to say here is that I want you in my life, Hailey, in any capacity. You lead and I will follow."

I'm met with silence again, but this time I hear the door's lock click open. My heart hammers in my chest, my ears, I rise to my feet and watch Hailey's face come to view as the door slowly cracks open. She is wearing blue sweatpants that engulf her small frame and an equally baggy T-shirt. Her cheeks are red and puffy, and her eyes look swollen as if she'd been crying.

"Hey," I say.

"Hi."

"Can I come in?" I ask.

She opens a door, gestures with her head inside, and steps aside to let me through. I take careful steps in and notice the apartment is nearly empty, boxes sit everywhere like she hasn't unpacked yet.

"Still unpacking."

She nods. "Yeah."

"Here." I hand her the bag with the gyros. "Beef and Lamb."

A small smile tugs at the corners of her lips as she eyes me. "You trying to bribe me with food?"

I smile. "It is gyros. What else could it be but a bribe?"

"You should have opted for deep dish. Way less obvious."

I shrug. "I've never been a subtle guy."

She walks further inside and I follow her to the kitchen. She sets the bag on the island and carefully removes the containers inside. My stomach growls as the delicious scents of seasoned lamb, olive oil, and thyme lift in the air.

"You're going to join me?" she asks, softly, hesitantly.

"Would you rather I leave? I'll go to if you'd rather eat alone," I say, though everything in me wants to stay here for as long as possible.

"Stay," she says, handing me a plate and a napkin. "Let's pretend we can stand to be in the same room for more than two minutes."

I chuckle. She's halfway joking but not really.

We sit across from each other and dig into the gyros. The first bite hits my tongue and I'm in heaven. I had forgotten how good they were. After Hailey left, I just couldn't stomach them.

"I forgot how good these were," I say, my words slightly muffled from my mouth full of food.

She stares at me for a second and says, "Greek islands is down the street from your place."

"I know," I say with a shrug.

Hailey nods understanding. "I don't think I can set foot inside The Purple Pig," she admits.

"Points for honesty," I say and smile sadly, and a small grin breaks through her melancholy as well. It's the restaurant I took her on our first date.

After a moment's silence, she says, in a low cautious tone. "I knew coming back would be hard, but not this hard." She pauses for a little while, and then gestures between us, "I don't know how to do this either."

When her eyes meet mine, I can see her struggling to mask her emotions. "Hailey, what do you want?"

She runs her hand through her hair, sighing. "I don't know."

"Would it be so crazy to give us another try?" I ask, rather boldly, and walk around the island to sit on the stool next to her. I hesitate before reaching out and taking her hand in mine. Electricity and warmth spark through my hand, as if I've touched a live wire. It pricks my skin in the best way. Hailey shoots me a quick, surprised look, but she doesn't pull away.

I bet she feels it too.

She presses her lips together, saying nothing, and I want nothing more than to lean down and kiss her. The urge is almost overpowering. I fight it for a long minute. Then I can't resist any longer. Just like on our first date, I slowly reach to cup her cheek, she doesn't recoil but leans into my touch. With a tight breath, I give in, dipping my head, touching my lips softly to hers, not caring that there are a thousand reasons I shouldn't.

The kiss is hesitant, but she is definitely kissing me back. The electrifying, familiar taste of her melts everything inside of me, a balm that banishes my aches, an affirmation that maybe not all is lost. I tangle my fingers in her hair and close the space between us. A quick apology whips past my lips as I kiss her with all the passion I'd bottled up for so long.

God, how I missed her mouth close to mine, her warm breath all over my face, her small hand touching me, running through my hair, my ear, my shirt, my heart.

I kiss her.

I kiss her like it's the first time I've kisser her.

I kiss her like it's the last time I'll ever kiss her.

It is a mistake, no matter how gentle and without intention, but it is done. She is kissing me back, less tentatively, more achingly sweet. I can feel my control leeching away. I want far more than she can possibly give me right now. At the brink, I drag myself back, mustering every bit of resolve I can find. I ease my fingers from her hair, drawing slowly away from her lips.

"Sorry. Can't think when I'm around you," I say lamely.

"Me too," she whispers.

Her blue eyes are luminous, cheeks flushed, lips bright pink. A ghost of a smile softens the line of her mouth, melting me on the spot. I lean in to touch my lips to hers once more because my willpower is pretty much nil.

"Jay—"

"Sorry. I promise to be on my best behavior from now on."

Hailey looks up at me smiles, though it doesn't quite reach her eyes. "I've seen your best behavior. You'll have to try harder."

Smoothing a loose strand of hair from her forehead, I kiss her there. "I will take this as slow as you want. You lead I follow," I repeat my earlier promise.

"This is a complication neither of us needs right now," she says evasively, and when her eyes met mine, I see fear there.

"Hailey, these feelings aren't going away. It's been five years and—"

"We are different people now. Things have changed between us," she counters.

I fight to keep from reacting too quickly. "I know you feel the same way I do." I know it's a low blow, but I stroke the backs of my fingers over her shoulder and upper arm, watching goosebumps rise on her skin. "Hailey, tell me I'm crazy and that I'm imagining it all."

Her eyes glaze over with a look of defeat and surrender. "You're not crazy, but it's not that simple." She takes a deep breath as if to fortify her resolve somehow. "There's still so much to sort through. I'm not ready to delve into—"

"I know…" I release a deep breath. "The last thing I want to do is push you. So, if you want, I will leave, and we'll go back to pretending everything is fine. Is that what you want?"

Hailey's forehead creases. The white scar there prominent. A tear escapes her eye, and she brushes it away. She is shutting down. She looks up and I can read the answer on her face. Immediately I'm stabbed by an old grief, panic seizing my inside. Hailey places her hand on her forehead as if she is trying to hide what I already know. I don't think I can hear her say it.

I push the stool to stand. "Will you ever be able to forgive me?" I ask.

Her entire body flinches at my question, and I immediately feel like crap for asking.

"It's okay," I say quickly, pressing a palm to the table to steady myself as my world tilts slightly. "You don't have to answer that."

I press a soft kiss to her hairline, my lips lingering on her skin, trying to stretch this moment. "Goodbye, Hailey."

Not giving her time to respond, I turn and walk out of her apartment. I'm not ready to let her go entirely. Honestly, I might not ever be able to let her completely go. Can someone live without their heart and soul? I'm not sure, but it looks like I'm about to find out.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. Everything will come out in ch. 5. See you next week! Cheers, D.