Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. Things are rough (personally) on my end, and I appreciate every single one of you. But in terms of this fic, the angst will be coming to an end shortly. Happy reading.

Jay

I wake up.

The sun is high, making a bright circle on the inside of my skull. My head is pounding, and my mouth feels like someone put little fuzzy cotton balls on my tongue. I sit up and the room spins once, twice before settling back in place. A black fog hangs in my mind sinking into the pit of my stomach. But slowly the haze lifts, and the memories from last night flood back. Quick and painful. The familiar guilt and shame I have come to expect welcomes me.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I close my eye and see Hailey's face so clearly now– the hurt, the anger, and grief – and I put it all there. I groan, rubbing my face with both hands. I can't believe how badly I messed up. If there was any chance for reconciliation, I just blew it. What in God's name was I thinking? Unfortunately, the answer comes all too quickly. I wasn't thinking because I was drunk out of my mind.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The door to my bedroom swings open and Adam pokes his head inside. "You up?" He takes a step inside and tosses me a water bottle and ibuprofen. "For the hangover. Those shots of tequila probably weren't a good idea. Hindsight and all that, you know?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Making sure your ass lived to see another day. Kev took the first shift; I took the second. We called Will but—"

"You called my brother?" I groan.

"Well, yeah… You were pretty wrecked last night and we've never seen you like that, so…"

I take a deep breath. I'm not exactly in a position to be annoyed. They were just looking out for me. I shake my head, trying to whisk away the pain, but only makes it worse.

"So, Kev's here too?"

"Passed out cold on your couch." He motions with his head towards the living room. "By the way, you got vomit on my shoes last night. You owe me a new pair."

I remember a lot that happened, and no part of last night included vomit. Adam raises one eyebrow, daring me to contradict him. Asshole.

"Way to kick a man while he's down," I say. "I only ruined your night. You're not getting new shoes." I run my hand through my hair. "Thanks for looking out, but you don't have to babysit me anymore. I'm good. Go home. Enjoy your weekend."

Adam hesitates, lingering by the door. "You sure everything's good, man?"

I debate lying, but figure he deserves the truth. "No…" I shake my head. "But I'll manage."

Adam cocks his head, clearly skeptical. "That was some pretty dark stuff, bro."

I nod quickly and force a reassuring smile on my face. "Yeah…. I'm just…you know…I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into it."

"Nah, it's alright."

Adam continues to loiter by my bedroom door and after a long, lingering pause of awkward silence, I decide to ask the question that's been nagging at me. "Hey, umm, do you if Hailey's okay?"

He shakes his head. "Kim took her home. She seemed pretty upset."

I flop back onto my pillow and groan. I can't pretend like she's okay even if I could, because I see her face every time I close my eyes.

"Why did I drink so much?" I groan, frustrated with myself.

Adam takes a few steps past the threshold and says, "Look man, I know you like to keep everything close to the vest. But, I'm here for whatever…"

I run a hand over my face. "Thanks, I just… I'm in hell right now trying to wrap my head around how badly I've screwed up."

After gazing about the room with a tentative stare, Adam asks, "Is all that stuff true?"

"About the miscarriage?" I say and when Adam nods, I add, "Yeah. Hailey had a late-term miscarriage while I was so sloshed I barely realized what had happened."

I remember hearing my phone ringing, the noise cutting through my drunken haze, its bouncy melody jarring my nerves. But I ignored it – all fifteen calls from Will. Later he came over and told me Hailey had miscarried. This was my lowest point. While I was there, it became clear to me that I needed to make significant changes. I sobered up. Went to therapy, with the hopes that if Hailey ever returned I could be someone worthy of her love again.

"I need to talk to her," I say.

"Yeah, you definitely need to talk."

I shake my head at Adam's thinly veiled attempt to get the whole story out of me. "Adam, It's not that—"

"I'm not trying to give you a hard time," he cuts in. "It's just, I really think you need to talk about it. There's a lot bottled up in there."

I close my eyes and sigh deeply. "I don't even know where to start."

"From the beginning?" Adam suggest.

I nod. I guess I own him that much.

In between sips of water, I begin telling Adam everything. Eventually, we move to the kitchen for some coffee and Kevin join us as I lay it all out. All the gory details. From beginning to end. I leave nothing out. I figure it's better they learn the whole story from me since I know rumors will spread like wildfire. This is me doing some damage control.

"So after everything that happened, she left. Later I found out she had taken the undercover gig."

"That's rough," Kevin says. "No phone call. No nothing?"

I shake my head. "Five years, radio silence."

"Jesus, man. That's wild. And I thought Kim and I had problems…"

"Makes me glad I'm single," Kevin notes.

I nod. "It's all on me, though. If I had been there for her, maybe things would've gone down differently. She wouldn't have been under so much stress, or I could've brought her to the hospital sooner. Who knows how long she bled on that floor?" I shake my head as if to rid it of the mental images. "It's on me."

"You can't think about the what-ifs, man. That shit will eat you alive," Ruzek says.

"It's been eating me alive for five years," I state. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about how much I hurt her." I sigh deeply and close my eyes. "I'm just worried Voight will get wind and kick one of us out, which I will insist it be me. I fucked up, so I should be the one to go. Not Hailey."

"Voight is not losing his one of his best detectives. That won't happen."

I cross my finger. "Let's hope that's the case. But," I hesitate. "Maybe I should just put my transfer papers in. I can't hurt Hailey anymore."

"Hey man, don't even say that. You belong in intelligence. You and Upton," Kevin says. "You just gotta work through it. Let the dust settle then talk to her."

I nod, though I doubt Hailey wants to see my face, and God knows she's got some pretty rock-solid reasons for feeling that way. I fucked up bad this time. Really, truly, royally fucked up.

"Well, that's enough story time for today," I say. "You guys get out of here and enjoy your weekend. Besides a bruised ego, I'm physically fine."

"Okay," Adam says, patting my back. "If I hear anything from Kim, I will let you know."

"Thanks."

They leave and I'm finally alone with my thoughts. In lieu of my hangover, I do nothing for the rest of the day. Though I'm itching to reach out to Hailey, as Kevin said, I need to let the dust settle. So, I don't. I still can't believe I hurt her, again. After everything, I know don't deserve her. I don't deserve her forgiveness; I don't deserve her time. I don't deserve her love.

But I need to finally say my peace.

x

I wait out the next day for as long as I can. By late afternoon I don't even bother calling her, instead, I head straight to her apartment fully prepared to talk to her door again, but she's not there. I try to imagine where she could be, but only one place comes to mind.

I find myself at the Navy Pier, a few stragglers are still ambling about – mostly couples, a family or two, and one loner sitting cross-legged on the ground, strumming a guitar. I walk around for a few minutes, thinking I might have made the trip in vain – perhaps I don't know her as well as I thought. Deep down I fear seeing the girl I fell in love with as much as I long to.

As I walk closer to the water, I'm hit with that feeling you get when you're passing through a force field – feeling at magnetic pull at my side, like a strong storm –

Then I see her. She is seated on the bench close to the water, looking out, her eyes unfocused, gazing nowhere, seeing nothing. I take careful steps towards her and she doesn't notice me at first and continues to stare out at the water. The setting sun casts a soft orange light across her face, giving her features an otherworldly appearance. I have yet to meet anyone more beautiful than her. My breath catches at the mere sight of her and I will always be entranced by her beauty and radiance.

A memory comes to mind, and the images play in my head like a movie.

…..

"Let's get married here. On this shore, with the setting sun behind us," I told her, resting my chin on her shoulders, taking in the distinct scent of her skin tinged with the salty smell of the sea.

"Are you proposing?" she asked.

"Would you say yes?"

"Hypothetically? Yes," she answered, nodding her acquiescence as she turned, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Only hypothetically, though."

I tucked a few stray strands of her hair behind one of her ears to get a clear view of her face. Against the backdrop of the setting sunlight, as it reflected off the water, tiny flecks of gold appeared in her eyes amongst the most vivid blue. Her sun-kissed skin was flawless but for the few freckles that crossed her nose. She was a wonder to behold and she was mine.

Her hand rose to my cheek, rasping over my few days' worths of whiskers. "I would marry you anywhere." Her breath was warm and moist against my chin. "You know I would."

"Really?" I smiled, and touched my lips to her palm, pressing a kiss in the middle of her hand. I kept my eyes steady, staring a hole right through her to see If I could spot any hesitation on her part. I didn't. "Then it's settled. We'll get married by the water."

"After you propose, that is," she added with a wink.

"Yeah, after I propose."

…..

Quickly, I tuck the memory away before I lose my focus.

I summon up the courage and take a seat on the opposite end of the bench, and for a few minutes, I listen to the waves lap against the rocks along the shoreline. I start to open my mouth - apology ready at the tip of my tongue - but then I take a closer look and realize Hailey hasn't noticed me. In fact, she's just staring off into space.

"Hailey?" I say softly, and her body stiffens slightly. It is painfully obvious she would rather talk to anyone else than be alone with me, making me feel like more of an ass than I already do.

"I know I'm the last person you want to see right now. You have every right to be angry with me. But I can't leave things the way they are between us. We did that once before."

I wait a moment, but she doesn't reply except by a slight movement of her hand. The gesture might mean anything, but I choose to construe it as her tacit acceptance of my presence.

"I just want to talk to you, really talk to you. Ten minutes. Eight if I talk fast. I just…" I pause and take a deep breath. "I just need you to hear me out. I just need to get everything out in the open and then I will leave you alone. I promise."

Slowly, she turns her head to face me. No emotion whatsoever, no flicker of care or interest. An expressionless face I'm sure she perfected while working undercover. "How'd you even find me?" she asks, breaking her silence.

"This is your spot," I tell her. "You'd always come here to think, clear your mind. I figured you'd probably be here."

She releases a low unamused chuckle. "I guess I'm predictable."

"Hailey, you are anything but predictable, one of the many things I love about you."

Her eyes turn back to the setting sun, a swathe of warm colors reflecting on her face. A cool breeze wafts from Lake Michigan and blows a few wisps of hair around her face. I inhale the crisp air into my lungs and say, "Hailey, I can never excuse what I did. Call me a drunk, coward, whatever you want. I won't deny it. I am all those things and maybe more." I pause. "I know you're probably tired of hearing me say this, but I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you all those years ago," I continue. "I'm sorry for all the ways I hurt you. I have spent every moment the past five years hoping I would get the chance to apologize to you in person. I don't expect you to accept it, or even acknowledge it, but I just need you to hear it."

Hailey blinks her eyes as a tear forms and trails down her face, and the sight of that lone drop squeezes my heart like a fist. She takes a deep breath and clenches her hands into her lap.

"Look, Hailey—"

"It was a girl," she cuts in, her words barely more than a whisper.

"What—?"

"The baby, it was a girl."

Blood rushes from my head and pool in my heart. I can't talk. I can't bring myself to speak words. She meets my eyes and the stark grief I see there, sucker punches me.

How had I not known this?

Through her tears, in choked phrases, she continues. "She was the size of my palm, but she was perfect. Little arms and legs, tiny fingers and toes... And even though I knew she was no longer inside of me, I still felt her tiny kicks…." she pauses and pulls a long breath, "weeks after."

This is a hundred times worse than any ache I have ever felt. Acid puddles in my stomach and I clutch my chest in pain, heartbroken. Tears blur my vision and sting my cheeks. I felt those tiny nudges. This is too much, causing me to have an overwhelming urge to hug her. So, I slide closer and pull her to me. She buries her face in my shirt and I cling to her, bawling and quite beside myself.

"Hailey, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry…"

She pulls away slowly, wiping the tears from her eyes, erasing their tracks on her cheeks. "I know you lost her too, Jay. But I carried her inside me. I felt her move, heard her heartbeat, and watched my body change as she grew…" The hurt in her voice only solidifies the fact that I'm the biggest asshole. "No one else met her. No one else got to know her as I did."

Grief overwhelms me — my throat tightens, and a huge block of angst travels slowly down to my stomach.

"W-Why didn't you tell me this? Why—" I stop myself. This isn't an interrogation. I have to give Hailey space, the time to tell me things in her own time and her own way. I take a deep breath. "I'm listening now."

She inhales through her nose and blows out a quivering breath. "After I left the hospital I was pretty numb and I just wanted to put it behind me. I thought I could just push the pain out of the way and move on." She chuckles coldly at herself. "Look how well that turned out."

"I called you. I came by your apartment every day for a week. I had to learn from your landlord that you had moved out. It was worse for you. Much worse. I get that now. But you left without saying goodbye."

"Jay, I couldn't face you. The only times I saw pieces of you come back to me was when we talked about the baby when you felt her move…" She takes a deep breath and lets the air slowly escape from her lungs. "I didn't want to see what it would do to you once you found out I'd lost the only thing—"

I hear the hidden meaning underlying her words. "Hailey, it wasn't your fault," I cut in. "Will said the placenta pulled away, and—"

"Yeah, yeah…" she says, waving me off. "The question that continues without answer." She sighs and rolls her eyes. "I keep thinking, wondering If I had done something different, would it have changed the outcome. You know, I had a couple drinks before I knew I was pregnant. I also used some harsh cleaning products and maybe the fumes were dangerous? I also went jogging the week before and maybe—"

"Hailey, no," I shake my head. "No one blames you. I have never once blamed you for what happened. Not once."

I never knew that's how she felt. If I could absorb her pain, obliterate the dark shadows haunting her expression, I would in a heartbeat, no matter the cost.

"If there's anyone to blame, it's me. Maybe If you weren't under so much stress dealing with my shit, then..." I let the sentence go unfinished and find myself swallowing a lump in my own throat. This has weighed very heavy on me. "It wasn't fair to you. And if anyone's to blame, it's me."

She wipes her eyes. "Why did everything come crashing down so quickly?"

"I don't know," I answer.

Silence falls and we stare out over the water, watching the sun drop out of view. It gets so quiet that I swear I can hear each of our heartbeats. After a few minutes, I feel a shift of energy. There is an effervescence inside me that had not been there before, as if I have been recharged, filled, and fueled with energy so light and buoyant that I simply cannot sink even if I want to.

Maybe this is how it feels to finally clear the air – that proverbial weight seems to have been lifted off my shoulders.

The temperature is slowly dropping and I frown when I catch her shivering. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, I gently pull her against my side and she leans into me. Instinctively, I kiss the top of her head.

After a long pause, I ask, "Did you give her a name?"

She shakes her head. "No, but I thought we could name her after your mom."

I close my eyes to damn the tears that gather again, but they burst forth anyways. I clear my throat. "You wanted to name a baby Eleanor?"

"Yeah, we could've called her Ellie or Nora." She shrugs. "I don't know. I thought she could be a good namesake."

"I love that." I rest my chin on top of her head and inhale, taking in the heady scent of her, letting my mind wander. Until today, the baby had only existed as an amorphous idea in my mind. But now, "I imagine her having your eyes, maybe my freckles, and your smile."

Hailey's face crumples for just a moment before she brings it under control. "Jay, I can't—"

"Hailey, you can't keep this bottled up. It's not good for you. If you can't talk to me, you need to talk to someone. Anyone." I tighten my grip around her. "You experienced a traumatic event. You just need to talk it through."

"It hurts to even think about it."

"I get it. It took me months to come to terms with everything that happened before and after you left. I wouldn't be functioning here without professional help."

"You went to therapy?"

"Yeah," I nod. "You always encouraged me to, and I finally took it seriously. I dealt with what went down here, in Afghanistan… Learned my triggers. But obviously, it doesn't magically fix everything. Clearly, I still have a lot to work on."

She releases a watery chuckle. "Clearly."

We fall silent again as the last few rays of the sun plunge deeper and deeper into the horizon and night fall upon us. I know Hailey and I are meant to be together. I have never felt so much for anyone before, never been so loved by anyone. I really do feel Hailey is my soulmate. But I also know there are still many wrinkles to iron out.

"Hailey, I want to be with you," I say boldly. Don't have anything to lose. "That hasn't changed, and I know you want to be with me too," I add, and I'm glad when she doesn't refute it. "I know you're scared, but we can—"

"Take things slowly, test the waters," she says and laughs, but it's the annoyed, exasperated kind.

I ignore the sarcasm and say, "Yeah." I take her hand and hold it between my own. "I know it won't be that simple, but I think we can be good together. We can go to therapy—"

"Then everything will be fixed," she says, her tone invariably sardonic.

"Maybe, I don't know," I tell her honestly. "But what I do know is that I don't want to look back at this moment and regret not going for it." A stubborn tear escapes her eye and I gently wipe it away with the pad of my thumb.

"You'd risk breaking your heart all over again?"

"You are absolutely worth the risk."

I lean forward, just a few inches from her face, and peer inside her eyes, her expression shifting so fast I can't latch onto one emotion. Throwing caution to the wind, I tilt my head and kiss her. The sensation both kills me and brings me back to life in the same breath. Everything about her brings me back to life. I kiss her softly, slowly, and then pull back. Her eyes take a moment to open again. She's looking at me and I'm looking at her, and I know the words are at the tip of her tongue.

But she stares at me in silence.

"Hailey, you call the shots. Just tell me what you want me to do."

"I, uh, — I don't know, " she stutters, biting her lower lip. "A lot is going on right now..."

"But can we agree that there's still something between us? Something good. Something worth fighting for?"

"What if things are broken beyond repair? Two broken people will never become a whole anything."

"We don't have to be broken, Hailey. It doesn't have to be like this. I know it doesn't seem like it, but that chronic heartache and guilt you're feeling can be eased. Trust me I know. You saw what losing Mouse did to me. It took me some time, but I was able to climb out of the hole."

There is sadness in her eyes, as well as hope, and I want nothing more than to somehow help her maintain whatever it is she's hopeful about.

"Hailey, I know facing everything head-on is terrifying, but it gets better."

I drape my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into my side. I press my lips to the crown of her head and whisper, "You deserve everything, Hailey. You deserve the world."

She tilts her head and looks up with a little smile. "You too."

She breathes deeply and leans into me. We sit like that for a while, listening to the water sigh as it rolls onto the shore. The elephant in the room is gone, phasing out into a comfortable silence. For the first time, I feel as if I can toss my worries up in the air and let the cool breeze carry them away. Far, far away.

Sometimes things have to be completely broken apart to be transformed.

Thanks for reading. Reviews? See you next week when Hailey goes to therapy.