"I fucking hate drugs," Red says, her eyes flickering up to meet the steely gaze of her husband. A mess of tangled blonde hair lays across her lap, the rest of Nicky's twitching body curled up on the couch. Her voice is soft despite the venom in it, and her blue eyes are filled with regret.
Dmitri nods, his eyes not leaving his wife. "I know you do, Galina," he says, and for the first time since he saw her lying in that alleyway waiting for the drugs to wear off, he wonders if he did the right thing by bringing her back. He didn't want to tear his eyes away from either of them, but his phone rang in his pocket.
Turning away, he answers it with a weary hello. After a moment, he responds, giving a sideways glance to his wife. "You can't handle this on your own?"
Red looks up from Nicky. "Go help him," she says firmly, but still softly - she didn't want to wake Nicky. Partly for her own good, and partly because she didn't know what on earth she'd say to her when she woke. "He's only young. And it's a busy time of year, people need food and warmth whilst out. We'll be okay here," she says, slightly unconvincing even to herself. Red strokes a gentle hand over Nicky's glistening forehead. "Won't we, hmm, milaya?"
Nicky, of course, doesn't provide an answer, but her eyes scrunch up in acknowledgement to the touch to her burning skin.
Dmitri leaves with one last reluctant glance to the pair of them. Red gives a small smile, and then turns her attention back to Nicky. She brushes her hair back gently, twisting it into a braid so that it doesn't tickle Nicky's neck.
Tucking the blanket around Nicky snugly, Red caresses her sweaty forehead again. "You're gonna be just fine, honey." She kisses the top of her head, knowing that if she was awake she would shy away from the intimate contact. She smiles down sadly at her. "And when you wake up, I'm gonna make it so you might just wish you hadn't."
A few hours passed with Nicky flat out on the couch and Red checking on her intermittently. Eventually, Nicky came around, confused about her whereabouts.
"Where am I?" Nicky says, looking up at the ceiling instead of around the room.
Red looks over from the stove, stirring a soup. She stares at Nicky for a second, drinking in the feeling of relief that she was really okay after the fright she'd given her. "At home."
"Come on, Red, please." Nicky's voice breaks and she's not sure if it's in emotion or due to the smoke inhalation from that god-awful apartment. Red's back is turned on her and it makes her want to reach out even more. "Please don't be pissed at me. I can't take it from you too."
"You can't take it?" Red yells, spinning on her heels to face Nicky. She's never liked yelling. It always reminds her of her grandmother when she was younger, always flying off the handle for no good reason. She always believed in not raising your voice, but improving your argument. But there was no fight left in her, not today, and she got louder with every word. "You're the one trying to kill yourself with that shit!"
Nicky glares. "I'm not trying to kill myself."
"Really?" Red puts her hands on her hips, her stance hard. This new harsher side to the older woman was scary, and Nicky didn't come back with a sarcastic remark like she might have, if it was Marka she was arguing with. "Is your life just collateral damage in your quest for drugs, then?"
Nicky didn't have an answer for a moment. "I'm just trying to live," she says finally, in a very small voice. Her eyes don't meet Red's and Red can't even bring herself to look at the foolish girl in front of her.
"Bullshit." Red hisses. "I'll tell you what living is, and it's not your mother crying over the body they make her identify in the morgue, your lips cold when she kisses you goodbye for the last time, your beautiful blonde hair tangled but her not being allowed to brush it in case there's evidence that would be lost." Red's voice falters, and Nicky blinks up at her. The scenario she was describing was too real, and the emotion in her voice too raw for it to be fictitious.
After her rant comes to a shaky end, Red gestures at Nicky. "Can't you see how lucky you are?"
"Lucky?" Nicky scoffs. "I'm not gonna run out and buy a lottery ticket, let's put it that way." She raises an eyebrow and the arrogance infuriates Red. "In what way am I lucky then, huh, Red? Tell me."
"You're fucking alive! Your heart is still beating, and you have time to change before that does."
"Why you?"
The words cut through the silence, the hollow silence that had plagued them since she'd left a hole in their lives. Red looked up at her husband from the uncomfortable waiting room chair. She didn't have her signature eyeliner on. In fact, her face was completely bare. In fact, it was completely void of anything, like she didn't even have the energy to be depressed.
"What are you talking about?" The only clue that she had cried was in her voice. Usually sharp, it had lost its edge. It tapered off at the end, withered like November leaves.
"Why do you have to identify the body?" Dmitri said the words like he was reading from a script, and Red snatched her hand back from his. He sounded cold, but she couldn't possibly feel the dull ache in his heart. The heaviness that pressed on his shoulders. Though he had always felt the heavy burden of looking after his growing family on his shoulders, he had never felt this crushing, all consuming force on him before. All she heard was "the body" and that was enough for her wall of thorns to go up.
"She's not a body," Red said, a little too loudly. "She's ours. She's mine. I'm her mother, and she needs me."
"Galina," Dmitri said, his brow creased. "She has a mother out there somewhere, and it's not you. It's cruel, making you do this. Making us do this."
"Cruel?" Her voice was colder now. She was a mother bear protecting her cub in the only way she had left. "You don't know the meaning of the word."
A woman stepped out of a side room and glanced around the waiting room. "Reznikov?"
"I'm sorry." Nicky says reluctantly. She means it, but then she always feels the sting of regret until the burning of withdrawal kicks in, then regret takes a back seat. "I shouldn't have done it."
"I don't want to hear sorry. Sorry doesn't mean shit." Red replies instantly, and Nicky glances up in surprise. The words Marka had always wanted to hear, the words that Nicky never said, until just now...meant nothing here.
Nicky says nothing. Her head was feeling fuzzy and whilst she usually enjoyed that feeling, she just wanted to be clear headed and present and prove her worth to Red, something she never usually cared about.
"Then…" Nicky struggles for the words. Her voice has gained an edge of desperation. "Then, what do you want to hear?"
Red nods. She's turning a corner. She exhales a shaky breath but tries to look confident, stormy blue eyes meeting Nicky's wide doe eyes. "I want you to say you'll try. I don't want any promises. They're made to be broken. I just want you to try."
Nicky nods her head too quickly, her hair falling around her face. Her jaw works and she licks her lips. "Yeah. I'll try. I'll really try."
Red takes a step closer to Nicky, and this time, Nicky doesn't inch away. She's been craving the closeness Red had offered so freely in their week together, and as much as she hated admitting it even to herself, it stung when Red wouldn't even look at her.
She can't say she likes it when Red places a hand on her cheek, but it's cool and comforting, so she doesn't squirm away. "Good," Red says softly, one eyebrow arched. "That's a good start."
Night fell faster than either of them expected, and after a slightly uncomfortable dinner, they both felt their eyelids growing heavier. As Red washes the dishes and Nicky dries, a yawn escape from her mouth as she dries a teacup.
Red smiles down at the sink, thinking how young Nicky looks as she does such a mundane task. She wasn't very good at it, and kept putting things in the wrong places, but she was trying. And that was enough.
The door opening makes them both jump, and an exhausted looking Dmitri closes it behind him. "Hello, love," he says tiredly. "How are you?"
Red nods slowly, and rubs her thumb along Nicky's arm. "We're doing well, aren't we?"
Nicky nods, almost dropping a plate, and smiles sheepishly at Dmitri. He smiles back at her, reminded of when his own little boys would stand on a dining table chair at the sink with their mother. Countless pieces of crockery would always be dropped, but she always insisted they helped regardless.
"Glad to see you up, Nicky," he says, and he means it.
Nicky gives him a rueful smile. "Yeah. Me too...thanks to you."
"You look tired," he says, not unkindly, and Red nods in agreement. "How about you get ready for bed and I finish up with Galina here?"
Red rolls her eyes, swatting at Nicky with the tea towel. Her husband had always been the softer one when their boys were growing up, and he slots next to her easily as he finishes drying a plate, despite swaying on his own feet with tiredness.
"Thanks!" Nicky calls as she opens the door to the bathroom.
After finishing Nicky's job of drying and putting away, Dmitri turns his attention to his wife. He places a hand on her shoulder and gives it a gentle rub. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything will be fine." Red says confidently, placing her hand over his. The cold metal of their wedding rings clink together. Dmitri nods. He believes in his wife, he just hopes that she'll be careful. She couldn't take yet another heartbreak. She looks at him, eyes full of concern. "Have you eaten?"
"Yes," he says. "It's been a long day. I think we should just go to bed."
"I agree," Red nods, kissing Dmitri on the cheek softly. She wasn't usually the one to initiate anything intimate, not even a peck on the cheek, so he's taken aback. "I do love you, Dmitri." Red's voice is quiet. "I know I don't say it often, but know that I do. Go warm the bed for me. I'm just going to check on Nicky."
Dmitri smiles. "I love you too, milaya."
Red pushes Nicky's door open quietly. The blonde is already in bed, and Red can hear the soft snuffling of deep breathing. Coming into the dark room, Red is careful to be quiet and unobtrusive as she sits on the end of the bed. She brushes Nicky's hair away from her face, watching her breathing.
"Why are the smart girls always so stupid?" Red says aloud, her eyes drifting around the room. "Is there a self destruct button somewhere deep inside of you? Were you born with it? Or did someone give you the impression that you were so unimportant you didn't want to exist at all?"
Red looks down at the young woman in bed. She looks so small, so fragile, and Red wonders how her mother ever gave up on her. "You matter. I don't do mushy shit, not usually...I didn't at all before." Red closes her eyes for a moment. "But some people, some girls...they need to be told these things." The older woman groans softly as she wipes her hand over her mouth, searching for the right words to say.
"I don't give up on my girls. If you need me," she whispers in the darkness, fully aware that Nicky is fast asleep and paying no attention. "I'll be here. Always."
The woman opened the door to a small clinical room where a body laid on a slab of metal. It was cold and the strip lighting was harsh. Red suddenly didn't know if she can go over there and look into the face of a dead teenager, whether it's her girl or not.
"Take your time," the woman said respectfully, pulling the blinds up. "You can just say yes or no, if that's easier."
Red stepped forward, letting go of Dmitri's hand. She pressed her hands against the completely clear, clean glass and her blood ran cold. A lump formed in her throat and she immediately went for the side door, trying to get into the room with the body.
"We can let you in if you need a closer look," the woman said, her voice sympathetic.
Dmitri looked up at his wife. He knew she didn't need a closer look. It was her. The words echoed in his head. It was her. It was her. Their girl.
"Please let me in." Red said, her eyes wild. She pulled at the door knob again, despite knowing it was locked. She was like a tiger in the zoo whose baby had been taken for checks. Suddenly nothing was right anymore.
The woman unlocked the door, but before opening it, looked at Red seriously. "Please don't touch the victim. We need to obtain evidence still."
"I can't touch her at all?" Red asked, distraught. Her voice came out as a strangled, mangled cry. Something she'd never heard come out of her own body before, not even when giving birth three times.
"I'm sorry." The woman said, but she didn't sound nearly sorry enough to Red's ears.
Red nodded just to get in the room, and Dmitri stayed by the window, behind the glass. He watched his wife walk up to the body.
"I'm so sorry." Red sobbed. Every bone in her body screamed out at her to touch her, but she stopped herself. "Everything will be okay, honey." Red's hand hovered over her hair, over her hands, but she left an inch of air space to comply.
The girl's hair was a mess and Red knew she would have hated it, but she was powerless now. Did she ever have any power at all, she wondered.
"Mama's here. I'm here, honey. I'm going to take care of it, just you watch. Mama takes care of her cubs, remember? You said that to me." She blinked back the tears in fear of them falling on her face and not being able to wipe them away. "I love you. I know I didn't say it enough, but I do. I love you so much. Your demons were just too deep. We met each other too late. I have to leave you now. I wish I didn't, but I do. But I'll be back. I'll dress you in your favorite outfit. I'll even buy you those shoes. The ones you liked in the window, remember?"
Red looked at Dmitri, and he had never seen his wife in such a state before. Her hands shook as she wiped the tears away from her face. Before anyone could stop her, she leant and planted one last kiss on her girl's forehead. Her stomach lurched as her warm lips connected with her freezing cold skin. The woman stepped into the room, ready to stop anything further. Red held her hands up and pulled the white sheet around her tighter. "I won't do anything else. She's just so cold," Red trembled. "She's so cold."
The woman guided Red out of the room, gently steering her towards the exit and then turning to her. "I take it you're making a positive identification?"
Red let hot tears spill down her cheeks. "Yes," she nodded firmly. "That's her. My girl." Red felt sick to her core and the pain was tangible, she could feel it spreading like wildfire through her whole body. She hated that no-one was using her name, just a case number.
She drew herself up tall, and took one last glance at the daughter she had for such a short time, but loved so much, hanging onto Dmitri's arm. "That's Tricia."
Nicky stirs in sleep, and half opens her eyes. She snuggles down into her pillow. "Red?" She mumbles, not fully awake.
Red sniffs and wipes her face, concentrating on the girl in front of her. She smooths her hair down and nods. "I'm here, honey."
A/N:
Hiya, lovelies! Happy new year!
I hope you like this chapter. First post of 2018!
It left me with a pit in my stomach writing it and it was pretty heavy going but I hope you still enjoy it.
Please let me know what you thought in a review.
Hope you're safe and happy!
- Star xo