Running Uphill

For as long as she can remember, Monica has always had to deal with adversity in her life. It started for her from a very young age, when she would vie for her parent's attention and approval. Even as children, their adoration seemed to be reserved only for her brother. It was as if, without any effort on his part, he was bestowed this gift of unconditional love and support from them, while Monica had to scratch and claw for the slightest hint of approval from her mother and father. Yet, she was undeterred in her endeavors to win their favor, and on the rare occasion that she would succeed, made all her efforts worthwhile.

The struggle to have her worth recognized continued through her teen years as she gained weight and felt the burning stares of everyone around her. Always judging her on how she looked and not on what she could accomplish. It did not help that she was surrounded by thin, beautiful girls like Rachel in high school. She would watch her best friend have everything she wanted fall into her lap. Handsome boyfriend, extravagant gifts, good grades that Monica knew she did not earn herself; all fell at her feet like gifts. Monica did not get to be so lucky, having to work hard just to get the courage to find a boy to take her to the prom. She was tired of her physical appearance overshadowing her fortitude. She was tired of being called fat and nothing more. So, she worked hard, and stayed disciplined, and she lost the weight. She had hoped that would be her final hurdle to leap over.

Culinary school proved that to be wrong, and being skinny, was not the end to her struggles. Now, instead of being dismissed and ignored due to her weight, she felt as if she was not being taken seriously because of her new found beauty. She spent just as much time fighting off unwanted advances from her overbearing classmates (and one very inappropriate instructor) as she did working on her cooking techniques. She found that being a woman in what was surprisingly, a male dominated field, created new obstacles for her. Watching lesser students gain favor from the class instructors spurred her on in her commitment to become the very best chef in her class. She studied late into the night, practicing her knife skills and memorizing recipes. She worked hard to elevate herself to the top of the class, and upon graduation, she had thought that all of her diligence would finally pay off. Unfortunately, the universe seemed to like to watch Monica struggle, and instead of being rewarded for persevering, she discovered she had more hills to climb.

Her culinary career was a long and arduous path of terrible jobs, lecherous employers and abusive coworkers. She struggled to find anything that was even remotely related to the field she dreamed of having success in. Living paycheck to paycheck as she went from one failed job opportunity to the next. Even at her lowest point, while she was dancing to "YMCA" on the counter of the Moondance Diner, she knew her diligence would pay off. She never lost focus on her ultimate goal. She paid her dues. The only time she wavered was when she stood there, in the kitchen of Allesandro's, covered in marinara sauce, and she wondered if all of her efforts were in vain. Maybe living a life trying to be a good person who worked hard was futile and she would never get what she wanted. Those doubts went away when Joey stepped up, and acted as the sacrificial lamb for her career. She realized in that moment, if she was able to inspire such a selfless act of friendship from another person, then she was doing things the right way. She was getting her well earned rewards.

Unfortunately, she could not say that about her love life, which was not paying off the same dividends as her career finally was. It seemed for a while that she would have to endure a lifetime of lousy dates and uninspiring men. Men who never wanted what she wanted. Men who didn't stick around for more than a couple of weeks. There were men who tricked her into bed, ones who were too immature, too boring, too gregarious. None of them seemed to be someone she could picture spending her life with. Then, in a cruel twist of fate, she had thought she finally found the right man; handsome, smart, mature, kind. He seemed to be everything she thought she desired, until she realized that, he did not envision the same future for them as she had. She thought for a brief moment, that she could live with that, but she knew that she could not. Monica's entire life has been about fighting for what she wants. Struggling to prove that she was worth more than what life was trying to entice her to settle with. Her dreams were worth more than to be cast out because it was the easy thing to do. After that, she lost her way for a while, and she began to question everything she had done. Yet, in the most unlikely of fashions, her tenacity paid off. She found the perfect man for her, and he proved worth every sacrifice she had ever made.

They wanted to start a family, and no matter how well she lived and how many times she did the right thing, it seemed fate was always going to twist the knife and never let up on the pressure. Ever since she was a young girl, Monica had a three-point plan. Dream job as a head chef. Find the love of her life. Have as many children as physically possible. Surround herself with success, love and happiness. When she found out that conceiving her own child was nearly impossible, she thought she was going to break. She began to wonder again, if she was doing everything wrong and was somehow being punished. That night, while she and her husband shared their grief in a tight embrace, she was once again rewarded with a sign that all her persistence was paying off. She picked the right man to give her heart to, and he said the right things and she knew, they would be okay. She knew they would figure it out.

The very next morning she made the follow-up appointment with Dr. Connelly. There was no time to waste. She started putting together a binder that had all the information on every possible option to have a baby that they had at their disposal. She knew, that if they were going to overcome this obstacle, that she would need to attack it like she had done to every other hill she has had to climb. Claw. Scratch. Fight. Persevere. Don't settle. Don't compromise. Even then, she considered it some miraculous gift that they got the twins. She forgot about how hard she had worked to make this happen and allowed the moment to wash over her. She finally had everything she ever wanted. All of her hard work and resolve and consistency paid off. She was finally reaping the rewards for living a life of generosity, caring, and sacrificing her own happiness to take care of others. She finally had the life she fought so hard for, and she truly believed that she had earned everything she had.

She did have everything. A wonderful husband. Two beautiful babies. A loving and warm home. Her own restaurant. Life was amazing. It was better than anything she had ever hoped for. And then, it seemed, life wasn't done rewarding her for all her hard work. Because then she got pregnant. She was going to have another baby. Her own baby. She hated herself for thinking that way initially, knowing that the twins are just as much her children as any child she would ever give birth to, but still, there was this rush of excitement that she could not deny. She always wanted to carry her own child. To go through a pregnancy like her friends had before, bonding over the shared experience. She was finally getting that chance that she was so certain was lost to her. And, although it was scary, it felt right. She deserved this. Even though life had already given her so much, she needed to know there was still further recompense for all the adversity and obstacles she had to navigate and endure. She was certain that this was it, her final reward. Everything was perfect, until two months ago, when she lost the baby.

Monica had read all the pamphlets, she looked over the literature her doctor provided. She knows she isn't supposed to say that she "lost" the baby. But she needs to blame someone, and blaming herself feels right. It was stupid of her to get her hopes up. When does anything come easy for Monica? Life has never given her what she wanted. At least, never on the first try.

When they got home from the hospital, Monica couldn't feel much. She was sad and numb at the same time. She knew Chandler could pick up on it. Who couldn't? When you start crying as you're giving your daughter a bath, or sob uncontrollably because you forgot to plug in the toaster. When you look at an expired coupon and it sends you into a rage even if you never intended to use it in the first place. When you can't sleep at night and end up sitting up in the den, looking out the window and watching the street during the twilight hours. When your husband touches you and you recoil as if he did something wrong to you.

She knows that this isn't Chandler's fault. He has been a better husband now then at any other point in their marriage, and he has already been pretty terrific over the last four year. These last two months, neither of them would know what emotion would take her over or when. He would always be there to either take over with the kids, hand her a tissue, or just be her punching bag as she yelled about some small thing that infuriated her beyond reason. She found herself making him the scapegoat for whatever she was feeling at the moment, even when she knew she was just using it as a defense mechanism, trying not to feel the way she was actually feeling deep down inside. Because deep down inside, she felt like a failure. She felt as if she were some flawed woman who could not do the one thing every other woman she has ever known could do. Something they have done without even trying.

Monica wondered if there was something wrong with her. Did she do something to ruin her body? How does it make any sense? They were going to have a baby. They stopped calling the room at the end of the hallway "the spare room" and started calling it "the baby's room". Chandler brought home paint swatches. She was already thinking of names, even though she made sure to keep them to herself this time. They were going to have this baby. They wanted this baby.

In the time that she was pregnant she was cursing it. Tired, nauseous, cranky. She never thought it would end. Now all she can think about is how her feet used to hurt and how she would give anything to feel that ache again. Chandler was almost perfect throughout the pregnancy. It brought out this side of him that she only gets to see in small doses when he is with Jack and Erica. Watching him as he doted on her, they joked that he was going to be her man-slave for the next nine months. Now, she won't let him touch her. She won't talk to him. She won't let him know why she snaps at him or why she has worked late at the restaurant every night since they got home from the hospital.

She knows why she has been avoiding talking to him. She is afraid that he is thinking the same thing she has been thinking ever since that terrible night in the city. She is somehow damaged goods. That she dragged him into her life-long, constant struggle against all odds to achieve her dreams. That he now has to face all the same adversity she does, through no fault of his own, but simply because he loves her.

So, she escapes to the restaurant. She does not want to be reminded about how she failed. She can't take looking him in the eye when he tries to comfort her or take some of the burden from off her shoulders. It only makes her realize more now than ever, that maybe, she doesn't deserve him or the twins or this wonderful life they have made together. That whatever has been wrong with her ever since she was a little girl trying to get her parents approval, is still there inside her.

Monica looks out the window and stares for a few minutes at her husband and children playing in the yard. Last month Jack finally caught up with Erica and started walking. It was a bright moment in what has been a tough time for them. She watches him as he chugs along on his little stubby legs, chasing after his father with his arms stretched out. Erica close behind. Ever since Jack took those first few steps, he can't be stopped. Just a few minutes ago, he and Erica were speeding around the kitchen, stomping their feet and squealing at each other. Chandler saw how the noise was driving her crazy and threw on their shoes and summer jackets and took them outside, just so Monica would have some peace and quiet that she didn't even ask for, but that he knew she needed.

The problem with quiet lately for Monica is that it is never peaceful. Her mind starts to fire off all those doubts and insecurities and thoughts of failure. She looks over at her keys hanging from a hook under the telephone. The only time that she can shut everything out is when she is working. Preparing a meal. Plating a dish. It is all she had been doing these last few weeks. Working around the clock, staying in the kitchen, making dish after dish and avoiding talking to people at all costs. She could pretend that there is an emergency at the restaurant right now. That they need her. That she has to run out and she could bury herself in work. Even if she comes back later tonight, and the twins would already be asleep, and she would feel guilty for abandoning her husband and she would feel like a failure all over again, it would be worth it. This way, at least, for a few hours, she could block all that out and feel useful again.

Monica is startled out of her melancholy when she hears a persistent knock on the front door. She frowns as she looks at the clock and she makes her way out of the kitchen and down the hallway to answer; silently dreading another surprise visit from Rachel or Ross. She knows that they mean well, but having their sympathetic faces hanging around her only reminds Monica of what they were able to do so easily by accident and what she clearly could not do no matter how hard she tried. What she may never be able to do, no matter how much she wishes she could.

The doctor made it clear how slim their chances were, even after prescribing her medication to help control the irregular levels of bacteria in her uterus. He let them know that after a month or so they could start trying for another baby, but that all the roadblocks that were in their way before she became pregnant were still there. That the chances of conceiving their own child was still very low. They both knew that already; they were both calling their little nugget "the miracle baby". They knew her getting pregnant the first time was like winning the lottery. Nobody wins the lottery twice.

Now, with the mood that was brewing inside her, the last thing she needed was to see her perfect brother and her perfect best friend and their perfect effortless life. She sighs as she opens the door and steps back in surprise when she finds Nora Bing standing on her front step.

"Monica, dear. How are you?"

"Oh, uh, I'm okay. Come on in, Chandler's out back with the twins."

"That's all right. I'm here to see you anyway."

"I was actually just going to step out to the restaurant."

"They can survive a little while without you, can't they dear?"

Monica sighs and shrugs her shoulders as she leads her mother-in-law back into the kitchen. "Do you want coffee or tea? I might have some cheese or something I can throw together if you're hungry."

"Tea is fine. Why don't you let me help."

"I can handle making tea!" Monica shrinks a bit into herself and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I've just been under a lot of stress."

"I know sweetheart. That's why I'm here. I wanted to see how you were doing."

"I appreciate that, I just don't know what else I can say anymore. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Monica turns on a flame under the tea kettle and walks back over to the table to sit down.

Nora reaches out and take her by the hand. "I know you will dear, but just so you know, it is okay not to be fine too."

Monica lifts her head and nods weakly. "I know."

Nora sits back and smooths out her shirt as she studies Monica's face. "Chandler wasn't my first pregnancy."

Monica looks up sharply as her eyes widen with surprise. "What?"

"Charles and I had a stillbirth a couple of years before Chandler was born. She was a girl and we were going to name her Sylvia. Well, Charles was going to name her Sylvia." Nora looks off to the side and chuckles to herself. "I should have known then."

Monica smiles nervously, and not knowing how to properly react, decides to get up and switch off the teapot. "Does Chandler know?"

"No. We never spoke of it. I think that is why Charles stuck around for so long after he finally came to terms with his sexuality. I think he felt like he owed me a child. The strange thing is, when I finally became pregnant again, I didn't let myself feel anything. I was so afraid that I was somehow the reason that we lost Sylvia that I was certain I was going to lose Chandler too. I was not going to let myself go through that kind of depression again. I refused to accept that I was going to have a healthy baby. I wouldn't even discuss names until after he was born."

Monica brings over two cups of tea and Nora begins to dip her bag in and out of the hot water slowly, focusing on her own movements. "My therapist thinks that is why I had always been so distant and cold with Chandler. I was afraid he would disappear too. Even after he was born."

Monica sits back in her chair and slowly shakes her head. "I had no idea. You should tell him this."

"No, its too late for that. Too much time has gone by." Nora looks out towards the backyard and shakes her head. She returns her focus to Monica and smiles. "Anyway, you have done such a great job fixing all my mistakes with him, I couldn't do that now, and make you have to fix him all over again."

"I don't know if I fixed him."

Nora stands up and takes Monica by the hand, walking her over to the sliding glass doors. "Look at him." Nora points out at her son rolling around on the grass with his two children. "That is not the boy I sent away to school. That isn't the young man I gave some money to all those years ago when he found his own apartment and started living across the hall from you."

Monica runs her finger under her eye to wipe a tear and lets out a watery chuckle. "I don't know, I think I actually caught him and Joey doing this exact thing outside the building one day."

Nora turns Monica towards her and hugs her. "I broke him and left you with the insecure mess he had become. Look out there now. You found this man inside the boy that no one else saw. Not even me. I don't recognize that man, and I am so glad that I don't. You did that. I don't know if I could ever repay you properly. Don't ever doubt yourself. At the very least, always know that you are one of my favorite people."

Monica leans into the hug and smiles as her head rests on Nora's shoulder. Drinking in every bit of her praise. "I don't think I have ever had a mom like me before."

Nora chuckles. "You are a powerful force of nature Monica. Don't do what I did. I ran away and never came back."

Monica smiles and pulls back from the hug. "You have to talk to Chandler about this."

Nora smiles warmly at Monica. "Are you telling me what to do now?"

"Telling people what to do is kind of my thing."

Monica steps out of the shower and quickly wraps a towel around her body. She takes a second towel and starts to dry her hair as she watches her husband brush his teeth. He leaned over to spit and wipes his mouth, and before he could put the hand towel back down, she pushes it away and crashes her lips onto his. At first, he is startled at the intensity of her embrace, but he quickly surrenders to her desires and allows himself to bathe in her passion. Monica pulls back, leaving her arms up around his neck and slowly smiles at him.

"Where did that come from?"

"I like fresh minty breath."

"I'll brush ten times a day from now on."

Monica laughs and then kisses him again, parting his lips with her tongue. They stand there by the bathroom vanity, exploring each other's mouth as if it was their first time. Monica finally pulls back again to come up for air. "I don't remember the last time that I really kissed you and I really wanted to kiss you."

Chandler smiles and tilts his head. "I am always available for this."

Monica chuckles but then looks down for a moment. "I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"Yes I do. This didn't just happen to me, it happened to both of us, and I was stuck in my own space and never checked to make sure you were okay, and you never complained. I feel like I am letting you down." She looks up at him and Chandler offers her a warm smile as his response. "Am I still one of your favorite people?"

"What? oh, come here." He wraps his arms around her to pull her into a tight hug, letting his hands run up and down her back as his fingers drag over the materiel of the towel. "You know what was the best thing I ever got to do?" Monica shakes her head and peeks up to make eye contact with him. "When I came back from talking to Erica at the adoption agency and told you she agreed to give us her baby. You were so worried and sad and the way your face lit up when I got to tell you." Monica looks back down and slips one of her hands from around him so she could wipe a tear that was forming under her eye. "I just thought, man, if I could do that, if I could make you feel that good all the time, that would be something. But now you've been so sad, and I can't help you and I feel so useless. Making you smile, it makes my life worth living. These last two months, I started wondering if maybe I never should have come back after London, and maybe you would be better off with someone else who wouldn't have put you through all this."

Monica looks up at her husband with stern eyes. "Honey, you are so stupid. Never, ever think that. There is no one else in the world that I could have survived all of this with. No one." She looks off to the side and then smiles as she returns her gaze to her husband. "I love you, and, uh, no matter what surprises come our way, I will always love you. You're the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with."

Chandler shakes his head and laughs as he pulls one of his hands up and wipes a tear from his eye. "That's not fair."

"I know."

Chandler releases her from his embrace and starts to pace back and forth in the small bathroom. He lets his hands run through his hair as he stammers, in search of the right words to say. "Look, I was thinking, I know the doctor said that we should have everything under control and it should be safe, but if there is even a chance this could happen again and you could get sick like that, I can't go through that again. I won't last a day without you, so, uh, I was thinking that maybe I should look into getting a vasectomy or maybe you should start taking birth control pills again. And, uh, you know, maybe if you think you have to talk to somebody about all this, and that person is not me, that's okay too, but then I was thinking…"

Monica puts her hands on his shoulders to steady him and stop him from pacing. "Chandler. Stop it!" Chandler looks up at her, still a bundle of nervous energy, as his eyes dart around her face. Monica presses her lips against his once again to calm him. "I have been thinking a lot too, and I want another baby. I think we should adopt again."