Nicky sat back in her chair, folding her arms. She looked out of the window of the therapist's office at the big wide world she was missing out on whilst she was stuck in there. There was so much to do. So much she was losing out on. And for what? It all seemed so pointless, and Nicky rested her chin on her palm.
Sat across from her, her therapist held back a sigh. She tucked a strand of her cropped white-blonde hair behind her ear. "Well, while we wait, why don't you start off by telling me what you think your mother could do to help you in your struggle with addiction?"
Nicky tore her gaze from the window, narrowing her eyes at the doctor. "Well, why don't you start off by telling me why she's not fucking here?"
The therapist set her notepad down. Used to dealing with very angry and sometimes violent patients, Nicky's little outburst didn't faze her. "I can't answer for Mrs Nichols, Nicky, but there's probably a very simple, innocent explanation."
"Is that so?" Nicky retorted. "She's never here. She's never been there in my entire life. She's full of it. Excuses and bullshit. We'll see, won't we?"
Dr Jones sat back in her chair. She didn't see the point in antagonizing Nicky any further when she had no skin in this game.
"We'll wait," Dr Jones said agreeably. "In the meantime, you can talk to me about anything you'd like," she offered.
"No, thanks," Nicky shot back. "I'm good."
As she turned away, the door finally opened. Marka suddenly appeared in the room, her hair frizzy from the rain and her purse slung haphazardly over one shoulder, her blazer bunched up in the arm.
"The traffic was a nightmare!" Marka declared as she entered the room, shaking out her umbrella. "No-one knows how to drive in the rain, honestly. I'm sorry I'm late, I just-"
"Had more important things to do?" Nicky filled in, glaring at her mother.
Marka frowned. "No, of course not. It's not always easy to juggle things, Nicky, you know that. Now, why don't we sit down and start the session? We still have some time, don't we, Dr Jones?"
Dr Jones opened her mouth, but was cut off by Nicky.
"What if I'm busy now?" Nicky retorted. "I have things to do, you know."
Marka pursed her lips. "Yes, you do," she agreed. "You're here to get better. Now why don't you stop with the attitude, and sit down with me? I'm here now, aren't I?"
"Why don't you just go?" Nicky stood up, standing at the window, and looked out over the city. The daylight was beginning to fade and twinkly lights were illuminating the streets. They blurred with tears as Nicky blinked. "If you can't be bothered to show up here on time, why bother coming at all? I've always been last on your priority list. That hasn't - and will never - change."
Marka pressed her lips together. "Do you really think that?" she asked, running her thumb along her jaw. "Do you really think I would have rushed straight from work here if I didn't care? Do you think I'd drop thousands of dollars on you if I didn't care?"
"It always comes back to the money!" Nicky exploded, turning round to face Marka. "I didn't even want to come here! I came here for one reason and one reason only, and you know that!"
"Nicky-"
"Just go!" Nicky repeated, looking out of the window once more. "I don't want you here. Just fucking go!"
"This isn't helping you. Me being here...it's not helping right now." Marka turned to the therapist. "Dr Jones, would you mind if I came back tomorrow?"
Nicky's therapist hesitated before nodding. "Yes, I think that would be for the best. Clearly Nicky is feeling a bit overwhelmed at present, so we'll meet again tomorrow. Have a safe journey home, Mrs Nichols."
Marka nodded quickly. "Yes…" she said, her gaze lingering on Nicky. "I'll come back first thing tomorrow morning. Nicky...don't do anything stupid, will you?"
"Like expect you to actually be here tomorrow?" Nicky asked. "Nope, won't be doing that." She waited until she heard the door closing behind Marka before she turned around. "Do you see what I mean now? Look at her! She just walked away! Just like every single other time in my life. She walks away and doesn't look back. Fuck her!"
Dr Jones looked at Nicky for a moment before gesturing to the chair she had vacated. "Sit down, Nicky," she said, in a no-nonsense voice. "Breathe for a few minutes and calm down."
"I am calm!" Nicky said, despite the bright red blotchy patches on her chest that said otherwise. She forced out a sigh, glancing sharply at Dr Jones, who didn't seem to believe her. "I'm calm."
"Good," Dr Jones said, sitting back in her chair. "It's only five-thirty. The session was until six. Half an hour would have been plenty of time to kick things off."
"I think things kicked off, alright," Nicky muttered. "Why are you giving me that look? She was the one who left, not me."
"You asked her to go, Nicky. In fact, you were very rude to her. You can't tell people to go and then get mad at them for leaving."
"Why not?" Nicky retorted. "Moms stay even when they're pushed away. Moms are supposed to know best! How was leaving best?"
"Mothers are only human too," Dr Jones said. "It seems like you have an idea of what you want in a mother, and how your mother doesn't live up to that expectation. Why don't you tell me the ways in which she doesn't fail, in your eyes?"
Nicky shrugged, fiddling with fringe on the chair. "She's always provided for me, I guess."
"Mhm, that's a very good point," Dr Jones said. "Mrs Nichols works very hard to provide everything you need. Even now that you're an adult. Not many people get that level of support once they're grown up, you know. It's hard for a lot of people."
Nicky looked away. She knew that to be true. Yet most other people were loved in childhood, and she felt as if she'd been robbed of that. Surely it balanced out?
"Anything else?" Dr Jones prompted.
Nicky said nothing for a moment. "I was always safe. You know, as a kid. My friend Lorna...she lived in some sketchy places when she was little. Marka never liked me going over there. I thought she was just being a snob...I still kinda think that."
"Well, that might be true, but she still kept you safe. That's worth something."
"Mm," Nicky said, looking away. "I guess so."
"Nicky, you seem to have a lot of anger about a lot of things. Why don't you come along to my yoga session tomorrow morning? It can really help relieve tension."
Nicky raised her eyebrows. "I have other ways of relieving tension, thanks, Doc."
"Yes, I know. I'd say that's why you were here, wouldn't you?" Dr Jones said, looking pointedly at Nicky. "Give it a try, just the once. If you don't like it then that's fair enough. But you should try everything once."
"Not good advice for a drug addict," Nicky quipped, glancing up to see the concerned stare of Dr Jones. "Just kidding."
Dr Jones chuckled, relieved to know she wasn't serious. "Quite…" she looked at Nicky. "So, will I see you tomorrow morning?"
"Fine," Nicky agreed, sighing. She'd only really agreed to shut Dr Jones up, but maybe it would be worth a go. Anything to make her a little less angry inside. It was beginning to scare even her, the blind rage she felt at Marka, and she fiddled with her necklace as she thought it through. "I'll try it - once."
"Okay now ladies, let's get into the downward facing dog position," Dr Jones instructed, demonstrating the pose herself. Surprisingly supple for a woman of her age, Nicky raised her eyebrows as she expertly contorted herself.
Nicky looked around at the other women in the class bending down to get into the position. It looked uncomfortable and undignified - not that she particularly cared about the latter, but it was an effort just to get out of bed in this place. She sighed and placed her hands on the floor, wiggling her bottom in the air.
"You're limber," a voice behind her whispered. Nicky whipped around, glad she was at the back of the room. "I'll have to remember that when I'm picturing you."
"That's all you'll ever do," Nicky said back, raising her eyebrows at Luschek, who once again didn't appear to be doing any actual work. She bent again, totally unabashed. "So you better take a good long look."
"I saw you last night," he said quietly, fiddling with a light fixture. He didn't have any tools out and Nicky glanced at him, rolling her eyes. "You looked upset. Actually, you looked pissed. You okay?"
"I knew you were weird but I didn't realize you were a creep too," she said. She hoped he hadn't seen her crying, and gave him a sidewards glance, wrinkling her nose.
He'd probably heard her on the phone to Red - she hadn't exactly been quiet about her conversation, and she knew the people in here probably had little better to do than eavesdrop. Her temper always got the better of her, though.
"Red, why am I even here? She doesn't care. She didn't even come!"
"Honey," Red said with a little sigh, "You're there to get better. Not to please Marka or anyone else. And it sounds like she did come," she added gently. "But you sent her away."
If there was anything Red could sympathize with Marka with, it was working. Throughout all her boys' childhood, she had been working. And she wouldn't have been happy if they'd ever dared to complain that she was breaking her back to provide for them. She understood Nicky's pain, but she understood the flip side, too.
Nicky bit her lip. "You wouldn't have left, even if I'd told you to."
Red couldn't argue. Of course she wouldn't have left, but then Nicky would have never been as hostile as she would have been to Marka.
"I miss you."
The crack in Nicky's voice almost broke Red. She clutched the phone to her ear, her knuckles turning white. She wanted to agree, to say that she needed to come home right now. But that wasn't the best for Nicky, it was best for her. She swallowed hard before continuing.
"I know you do, honey," Red said, taking in a shaky breath. "And I miss you too, more than you'd ever know. But you're gonna come out of this stronger. Okay?"
"Mhm," Nicky said softly. "Will you come visit me?"
Red hesitated. "If Marka says it's okay then I will," she said, wondering what Nicky's response would be.
"I'll ask her," Nicky said eagerly. She sounded brighter already, and Red was relieved. Nicky sighed. "I think I have to go," she said. "It's almost time for group therapy."
"That's good," Red said, trying to sound upbeat. "No-one will understand you better than the people you meet there."
"Mm," Nicky said. "I think you do."
"I'm not a creep!" Luschek insisted, his voice a little too loud.
Dr Jones stopped in the middle of her chat about mandalas. "Mr Luschek, I don't remember reporting that something wasn't working," she said pointedly, her tone full of disapproval. "Besides, this is supposed to be a female yoga class. Can't you do whatever it is you're doing later?"
"Actually, no," he said. "It's...you know, important."
Dr Jones pursed her lips unhappily, but clearly didn't want to say anything more in front of the patients.
"Fine," she said sharply, turning back to her class. "Okay, now ladies, remember to breathe, okay?"
Luschek snickered next to Nicky. "Seems kinda simple, doesn't it? If you can't breathe, maybe you're not worth the money you have to drop to stay here."
"Everything's simple for people who can do it," she snapped. Upon seeing his shocked face, she held her hands up. "Sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at my mother, she's a cu-"
"Nicole Nichols, your mother is here to visit you," a voice came from the front, interrupting her complaints. "She's waiting at reception. Can I wave her through?"
Nicky huffed, but nodded. "Yes. Tell her I'm getting changed before I speak to her, though."
"Of course, Ms Nichols," the woman Nicky recognized as Wanda said, before disappearing from view.
Nicky made a face at Luschek. "It's like being surrounded by robots," she complained. "Yes, Ms Nichols, no Ms Nichols, three bags full, Ms Nichols," she mimicked, rolling her eyes childishly.
"Yeah," Luschek said, raising his eyebrows. "Must suck to have everyone at your beck and call."
Nicky nodded. "Glad you understand."
She turned on her heel, rolling up the yoga mat she'd been standing on so she could put it back in the bin at the front of the class, and waved to Luschek. Before leaving, she flicked his ear. "See ya."
Back in her room, Nicky stared at the closetful of clothes she'd brought with her. Or, more aptly, the closetful of clothes Marka had brought. Nicky had refused to even pack the case, and whilst she was happy that she had some of her own things, she wasn't sure where Marka thought she was going. Sighing, she pulled out a sweater and a skirt that she hadn't seen before, and threw them on. Glancing at herself in the mirror, she ran a brush through her hair. Now she was pretty glad she'd put in minimal effort at yoga; at least she didn't have a red, sweaty face. That probably wouldn't go down well with Marka, she thought.
An orderly stuck her head through Nicky's door, a false smile plastered over her face. "Ready to meet with your mom, Nicky?"
Nicky set the brush down on the sideboard, grimacing. "As I'll ever be."
A/N: Thank you for reading. I'm really sorry for the long delay - I've been doing NaNoWriMo and it's taking up a lot of my writing time. I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a review letting me know what you thought, and thank you for the reviews on the last chapter.
Hope you're all well.
- Star xo