Welcome to the Crazy House

Monica and Chandler share a brief, apprehensive glance with each other when they hear a knock on the door and they both slowly begin to stand up as the two of them focus their attention outside the room.

"This is it!" Monica instinctively reaches out for Chandler's hand and wraps her fingers around his.

Chandler exhales and shakes his upper body as if he were trying to shuffle off his anxious energy. "Okay. We've been through this before. No need to be nervous."

Monica shoots him a sharp glare as her face becomes scornful. "I'm not nervous. I don't get nervous!"

"Then why is the circulation in my hand getting cut off?" Chandler motions towards his hand, which is still held tight in her grasp.

Monica looks down and smiles apologetically as she loosens her grip on Chandler's hand. "Okay, why don't you stay here with Jack and Erica and I'll answer the door."

"Okay."

Monica turns to walk out of the den and Chandler tugs on her hand.

"You have to let go of me first."

Monica sinks into her shoulders as a sheepish smile spreads across her lips. She releases her grasp on his hand and steps out of the room, disappearing into the hallway.

Chandler turns to face Erica. "Okay kiddo, you ready?"

Erica looks up at her father from her pile of toys and smiles. "eddy?"

"Close enough." He turns to look at Jack, who is in the corner of the room. He is pressing down repetitively on one key of his toy piano, making it play the same note over and over. "How about you Jack?"

Jack doesn't turn to look at his father, and instead presses a different button on his musical toy which causes it to mimic the sound of an electric guitar.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Monica enters the room with an older woman and smiles. "Chandler? This is Cynthia Davis. She's the social worker who is going to do the home study today."

Chandler reaches his hand out and nervously smiles. "Hi, how are you, how you doing? I'm Chandler. Chandler Bing. Hi. How are you? Chandler."

Monica leans over and softly speaks into his shoulder. "Take it down a notch."

Cynthia smiles and nods. "Please. There's no need to be nervous. I just have some questions and forms to fill out and then a quick tour. You two have done this before, so it shouldn't be anything new for you."

"Right. Sure. We're pros at adoption. I could adopt a baby with my eyes closed." Chandler's smile flattens out as he second guesses the words that just came out of his mouth. "Not that I would do anything with a baby with my eyes closed. I would be fully alert and paying attention at all times." Suddenly, there's a crash from the corner of the room as Jack pushes the toy piano, causing it to fall on the floor. "Well, that's unfortunate timing."

Monica shakes her head and Cynthia chuckles. "Please. Relax. That's fine. These are the twins you adopted last year?"

Monica rolls her eyes as Chandler hops further into the room to attend to Jack. "Actually, it is almost two years now. They were born in May. That's Jack making the mess," She bends down and picks up Erica, who squirms a bit in her arms. "and this wiggle-worm is Erica." Monica looks down at her daughter that she holds in her arms and gestures with her head at Cynthia. "Can you say hello Erica?"

Erica looks at the woman and buries her face into Monica's chest as she half-waves in Cynthia's direction.

"Sorry, she's being shy. She knows how to wave hello and goodbye though? Right?" Erica grunts a bit and then waves her hand more emphatically.

Cynthia smiles at Erica and then looks back at Monica. "Time flies, huh? My youngest is already twelve. Enjoy it now, it goes so fast and then all they want to do is become a teenager."

Monica looks down at Erica and then glances at Jack. "I know. I can't believe they're already walking and talking."

"You both feel like you're ready for another baby?"

"We think so. We always talked about having a big family. It feels like the right time."

Cynthia nods and looks around the room. She gestures towards the coffee table. "Why don't we start with the questionnaire and fill out some forms and then maybe you can show me around."

Monica leads her over to the couch. "Sure, sure. Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Water?"

"No, I'm fine." They sit down as Chandler makes his way over after he finishes setting Jack's toy back upright.

"Okay, so, maybe we will go over some safety questions first. I can already tell you probably have most of the home baby-proofed." Cynthia runs her hand over one of the soft rubber bumpers along the corner of the table. "And I have to ask, are these color-coded?"

Monica beams and nods. "Why thank you for noticing. I have these clear ones for the table, and over there, the brown ones are for the corners on the wall and then over here, I have red and blue on the electronics and lamps. I have a three-page list of what color goes where. Do you want to see it?"

"Oh, that won't be necessary."

"I'll take it out and show you. I have a copy for you anyway." Monica reaches over and picks up a binder that was resting in front of her on the table. She snaps it open and pulls out a sheet.

Cynthia looks at the size of the binder and her eyes go wide. "Oh my. That's a big book you have there."

"I know!"

Chandler puts his hand on Monica's shoulder and leans in towards her as he places a kiss on her cheek. "Honey? Maybe take it down a notch?"

Monica shoots Chandler a glare and Cynthia smiles as she looks down. "Okay, well, let's see." She pulls out a form from her folder and starts to write on it. "Do you have any firearms in the house?"

"Just these." Chandler makes finger guns with his hands and starts to pretend to shoot them as he winks.

Cynthia looks over at him, slightly confused as Monica shudders and groans. "I'm sorry. After a little while, you won't even notice it anymore."

Chandler grabs the empty dish in front of Erica and tussles her hair. "Nice work on lunch baby girl." He turns to look at Jack. "What about you kiddo? You still have a lot left on your plate. You used to eat everything in record time buddy." Jack pushes the plate and starts to reach his arms up, signaling he wants to get out of his chair. "Can you eat a little more buddy?" Jack, ignoring his father, continues to stretch and reach with his hands.

Chandler's head turns a bit as he hears Monica and Cynthia make their way downstairs after touring the second floor. He can hear them talking to each other but can't quite make out what they are saying. Monica though, sounds cheerful, so he imagines Cynthia must have complimented her on how organized the linen closets are.

They enter the kitchen and Cynthia smiles at the twins. Monica slowly lifts her eyebrows at her husband and Chandler nods in response. In those two simple gestures, the two were able to have an entire conversation. Both of them, immediately on the same page.

"I take it everything went well up there?"

"Yes Mr. Bing. You both have a very nice home and a great space for another baby. And I must say, I don't think I ever saw sheets organized by manufacturer."

"No one has. That's not supposed to be a thing."

Cynthia chuckles. "Well, in any regard, your house is really well suited for more children. You did a wonderful job here."

Thanks. We try our best."

Monica shakes her head and laughs to herself as she walks behind him. "We?"

"You know you don't let me help."

Before Monica can respond, the two of them snap their heads up as the house fills with a loud, frantic knocking originating from the front door.

Monica looks at Chandler. "That's funny. We weren't expecting company. You told Joey we were going to be busy, right?"

"Yes! I told everyone. Joey, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe. They all know we are busy today."

The door swings open as Chandler's father's voice can be heard ringing through the house! "Son! Son! It's an emergency! We need your help."

Monica looks over at Chandler and folds her arms. "Did you tell your father?"

Chandler steps quickly out of the kitchen towards the front of the house. "I may not have told my father."

As Chandler strides quickly down the hall, his father and five other men, that Chandler can only assume are some of his performers, push through the front door and pile into the living room.

Helena is dressed in tight fitting purple chinos with clean white shoes that point at the toe. She has a white blouse and a purple kerchief wrapped around her hair. Each of the other men who arrived with Chandler's father are wearing wig caps, robes, sweatpants, and heels. Everyone looks like they are in the middle of a costume change backstage instead of in a suburban home on a Saturday afternoon. "Chandler! Thank god you're here! We need your help!"

"Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something dad."

"So are we! A catastrophe!"

Monica pokes her head out from the kitchen and looks down the hallway. "Chandler? Dear? What's going on?"

"Uh, it's a, ah, delivery! Yes, and I am just going to sign for it and send the driver on his way!" Chandler grabs his father by the arm and walks him quickly into the living room.

Helena looks over her shoulder as she furrows her brow. "Chandler? What's going on?"

"We're having the home study today! The social worker who is basically going to decide if we should be recommend as adoptive parents is right in the kitchen! What are you doing here?"

"Marsha quit on us! She went back out to Vegas!"

Chandler mocks a gasp and puts his hands on his face. "Oh no, not Marsha!" He then drops his hands. "Who's Marsha?"

"She is in the second act of the show."

Chandler raises up a stern finger. "I am not going to be in your show! I stopped doing that after high school! I still can't listen to Y.M.C.A. without thinking about it."

"No, no. We have plenty of coverage for that. But Marsha also did our eyebrows." Helena gestures towards the other men in the room. "Look at my girls! It's like they have big hairy caterpillars on their faces!"

Chandler looks out at the worried faces in his living-room. "Dad! I can't do this now. Why don't you just go to a salon or something?"

"Son! You know you're the fastest and best eyebrow groomer in the tri-state area! If we went to one of those salons, we would never make it to the theater in time for our show!"

Chandler flashes his father an aggrieved look but then quickly spins around as he hears a pair of footsteps approach from behind. "Chandler?" Monica steps towards him with a confused look on her face. Jack and Erica waddle behind her with a bemused Cynthia bringing up the rear.

Chandler begins to gesticulate nervously and allows a nervous smile to spread across his lips. "Hey! Hi! How are you? How's it going? Everything okay?"

Monica folds her arms impatiently. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing. No one is in the living room, if that's what you're wondering. Everything is normal."

Monica turns to look in the living room and gasps as she sees what appears to be a roomful of men in their robes. She turns to face her husband and lets out an exasperated sigh. "Chandler!"

Erica, seeing her grandfather, quickens her pace towards him with her arms out while Jack turns sharply and runs back over to the toy piano he was playing with before in the den across the hallway.

"Chandler! Why is the cast of Kinky Boots in my living room?"

"What? Do you think I invited them?"

Helena picks up Erica and looks back-and-forth between Chandler and Monica. "You two saw Kinky Boots?"

Monica rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Chandler made us rent it from the video store."

"What? I thought it was a dirty movie!"

Monica shudders and then takes a deep breath. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

Cynthia points her finger at Helena and her forehead wrinkles in confusion. "I'm sorry, this is your father?"

Chandler nods reluctantly. "Yes. And he was just about to leave."

Helena nuzzles Erica's neck as she grips her grandfather tightly. "I'm sorry Monica. I had no idea. The girls here have an eyebrow emergency."

"Okay, but why are you here?"

"Chandler is the best eyebrow man I know."

Monica looks over at Chandler and raises a suspicious eyebrow. "What?"

"He used to do it for my performers when he was in high school. It was kind of his afterschool job. Nobody was better or faster at cleaning up our eyebrows as your man here."

"Really?" Monica, armed with this new information about her husband, smiles at him as if she were about to consume his humiliation like a decadent dessert.

Chandler rolls his eyes and then looks over her shoulder. "Sorry Cynthia. We weren't expecting visitors."

Monica winces, as she had momentarily forgotten all about the social worker who was standing behind her. She quickly turns around to face her. "I'm so sorry."

Cynthia smiles and shakes her head. "No need. It is good to see what the day-to-day goings on in the home are like."

Chandler puts his hands up nervously. "Oh, but this isn't normal."

"How often do you have this many visitors, in, uh, just their robes."

Chandler looks down and shakes his head. "Well, they are wearing sweatpants too."

Monica shakes her head and walks across the hall so she can peek into the den and check on Jack.

Helena smiles at Erica as she tries to put her down, but Erica refuses to let go and Helena picks her back up again.

Cynthia smiles. "She really seems to love her grandpa, or is it grandma? Or, uh, I'm sorry, I'm just so confused."

The doorbell rings and Monica turns her head to shoot Chandler an aggravated look. He shrugs his shoulders in response. He walks over to the door and opens it slowly. "Mom?"

"Chandler! I'm so glad you're home." Nora Bing bustles past her son but stops short when she notices the crowd of people in the house.

"Mom? What are you doing here?"

Monica steps out and smiles as she looks at her mother-in-law. "Yes Nora, what are you doing here?"

"My agent died."

Chandler looks around and then back at his mother. "Uh, okay. Are you here to grieve or something?"

"Oh, it's fine. I hardly speak to the man. They just want me to make a speech at his wake. Most of his clients are flying in and I thought before I got settled in the city, I would surprise my grandchildren with a visit. Isn't that great news?"

Chandler purses his lips. "That your agent died?"

"Oh, he was very old son." Nora Bing waves her son off and shakes her head. "Now, aren't you going to invite me in?"

Why not. You wouldn't happen to have a mariachi band with you too, would you?"

Nora looks at her son with a confused expression. "I never really got your sense of humor. You are so lucky to have Monica."

Cynthia gasps as Nora walks into the house. "Oh my, you're Nora Bing!"

Nora smiles. "Yes. And you are?"

Chandler puts his hand on his mother's back as he leads her into the house. "Mom. This is Cynthia Davis. She is the social worker doing our home study today. She is trying to determine if we have a safe, normal home that's not filled with drag queens and smut novelists who are totally detached from human empathy."

Cynthia approaches Nora and begins to gush. "Oh my, I am such a fan!"

"Oh, that's wonderful. It is always nice to meet a fan."

"Oh yes. I have read all your books. The last one, oh my. I had to read all the chapters about Rodrigo sitting on my washing machine while it was on the spin cycle, if you know what I mean." Cynthia stiffens up and then looks around the room. "Oh my, I'm sorry. That was so unprofessional."

Chandler slowly closes the door behind him. "Well, then, you'll fit right in here."

Ross stands up from his seat and walks around the end of the orange couch towards the counter to get his coffee mug refilled. "Oh my god. I can't believe it."

Chandler nods and looks over at Monica. She pats him on the leg and turns to face her brother, letting her hand linger on Chandler's thigh. "That isn't even the end of it. A few minutes later, Joey shows up with the woman who books restaurants for the show. He said they were there to fill out some paperwork so they could film at 'Four' next month, but, it turns out, she is that girl he's been sleeping with who works with him."

Rachel gasps and starts to snicker as she covers her mouth. "Noooooo."

Chandler mocks a laugh. "Oh yes. And we are pretty sure he really just wanted to use our laundry room to have sex."

Rachel, unable to contain herself, laughs out loud as she shakes her head. "Oh my. Now wait a minute, isn't that the same one from last year?"

Monica nods. "The producer's daughter? Yeah."

"They're still sneaking around?"

Ross chuckles as he walks up to the counter to grab a refill of his coffee. "That must have been so embarrassing. You two really have to think these things out. Consider every possible outcome. That's what I do, but that's probably because of my training as a scientist."

Chandler rolls his eyes and Monica shakes her head while she grits her teeth, bristling under her brother's criticism.

Ross thanks the server and starts to walk back over to the couch. "No, I'm serious. You have to treat everything like a scientific experiment. Examine all the variables."

Rachel sits back and gestures towards Ross with her thumb. "At least you guys don't have to live with this."

Ross shakes his head, but then stops mid-step as a wave of recognition falls across his face. He looks over at a woman sitting next to one of the high-top tables and points at her. She looks up him, nervously, with a flash of concern in her eyes.

Ross squints his eyes and bounces his finger in her direction. "Hey, aren't you Miss Gianatti? I think my son Ben is in your class."

The woman looks up and flashes a quick, relieved smile. "Oh, uh, Ben Geller?"

"Yeah! I'm his father."

She nods. "Yes. Oh, okay. He's a great kid."

"I thought that was you, I have pictures of you all over my apartment."

"Uh, what?"

"Yeah, I probably see your face every day before I go to bed."

"Uhhh…..what?"

"Oh no! No. Not like that. I mean, because of the class photos we have up on our wall."

"Oh, uh..."

Ross sets his coffee on the table next to her. "I just want to be clear. I don't have pictures of you in my apartment that I stare at like some creep. I stare at them the appropriate amount."

"I'm sorry, you stare at them?"

"No, no! I didn't mean like that. I sometimes look at them, when I walk by them. But I don't look at you. I look at the kids."

Rachel waves her hands emphatically. "Oh Ross, stop talking!"

Chandler sinks back comfortably into the couch. "Way to think that one out my man. That wasn't embarrassing at all."

Rachel covers her face in embarrassment, but then shake her head and reaches out towards Monica. "Everything went well though? With the visit?"

"Yeah, we got a call last week and we are officially on the waiting list. Now we just need to wait for someone to pick us."

Rachel claps her hands and stretches across to hug Monica tightly. "Oh, I'm so happy for you guys!" Rachel sits back again and wipes a tear from her eye. "It's so great. Everything is working out."

Monica and Chandler look at each other, their eyes betray a slight bit of worried anxiousness. Monica raises her hand to Chandler's cheek and smiles at him as she gently caresses his face. "Yeah, everything is great."

Monica closes the door behind Cynthia and then turns to Chandler. "Well, I guess that went poorly."

"Honey, it's us. That was a success as far as I am concerned."

"She seemed happy though, right?"

"As happy as someone could be with what happened here today."

"She's going to approve us. I know it."

Chandler walks over to her and slides his hands around her waist. "Okay, let's just relax. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves."

"No Chandler. Really. She saw all the love that we have in this house, even with all the chaos."

"Right, but they're also looking at our finances, and the neighborhood, and.."

"Chandler! This is going to happen for us!"

Chandler laughs and lets a slow, half-smile linger on his lips before leaning in to kiss her. "You're right."

Monica looks down as a satisfied grin spreads across her lips. "of course, I'm right." The two of them then turn their attention to the den where Erica and Jack are playing. Erica's tongue slips in and out of her lips as she stacks blocks. Once she gets four of them on top of each other, she quickly swipes at the base, knocking them back down and giggling.

Monica chuckles to herself and slaps Chandler on the chest as they separate from their hug. "She did not learn that from me."

"Don't look at me. That's got to be all Joey."

Chandler looks across the room and sees Jack, back at his piano playing the same note over and over, seemingly uninterested in everything else going on in the room. He looks back at Erica and smiles. "What do you guys think? Are you ready to be an older brother and sister?"

Monica smiles and looks at Erica. "What do you say wiggle worm? You like the idea of being a big sister?" Erica looks up at her mother and smiles as she waves at her. "No honey, not bye-bye." She shakes her head as she looks up at Chandler. "Ugh, ever since we taught her that it is all she does."

"I know." Chandler looks at Jack. "Hey Jack, what do you say? You ready to be a big brother soon?"

Jack doesn't seem to notice his father calling him. Instead, he continues pressing down on the same piano key over and over.

Chandler gets down to one knee and reaches out for his son. "Hey! Jack! Come here, buddy!"

Jack, still ignoring him, only presses down harder and more repetitively than before.

Monica and Chandler look at each other and Chandler walks over to Jack. He sits down next to him. "Jack?" Jack continues to focus all his attention on the piano.

Chandler finally reaches out and gently grabs Jack to turn him around. Jack looks at his father and smiles as he makes eye contact but then turns back to his toy.

"Hey buddy, everything okay?" Chandler takes his son's hands and tries to redirect his body to face him, but Jack starts to grunt and whine as he squirms out of Chandler's grasp. Chandler looks up nervously at Monica as Jack returns his attention to the toy piano and presses down faster and faster on the same key.

As the piano sounds off louder and louder, filling the room, Chandler turns to look at Monica and she shares his confused, fearful expression. The two of them turn their attention back to Jack, who appears locked into his own little world, where only he and the toy piano exist.