A/N

Since this story is meant to be relatively short (I want to keep it under 30 chapters), time skips will occasionally occur. Last chapter I skipped new-leaf and green-leaf, and went directly to leaf-fall. It is now mid leaf-fall in case anyone gets lost.

Brambleflower: Ugh the length of your review made me SO happy I love long reviews. I want to try and make the chapters a bit longer, maybe not as long as ch7, but with more time I should be able to stretch them out more. Turtleheart is very precious, as she is Runningpaw's best friend since kithood and is super protective of him. And yes, she is bisexual! To answer your other question, I am trans ftm in fact! I really try to incorporate lgbt themes in my stories now that I'm aware of my own identity. I have another warriors story called Stolen and the main character is a disaster bisexual too lol. I also am planning a sequel (of sorts) to Bleeding Hearts which is a reboot of an very old story of mine with more queer themes.

Oh, and strap in for a heart wrenching chapter here.

Chapter 8: Guilty Heart

It had been hot for far too long. Logically, Ravenpaw knew that green-leaf had only lasted for around two moons, the shortest one yet, but the cold was something he had long awaited. With his thick fur, the sun always baked him. Now that the air was chilled, Ravenpaw took a deep breath, feeling the crisp air cool his lungs.

"You're in a good mood," a voice purred in amusement.

Ravenpaw turned. His sister Duskcloud had been made a warrior a moon ago. She was holding a squirrel in her teeth. "Thought you might be hungry," she said, tossing the prey towards him.

Ravenpaw gave a nod. Silently, he shared the squirrel with his sister. Duskcloud's shoulder had raised, pink scars from where she had her encounter with the fox almost nine moons ago. Ravenpaw still had nightmares about it sometimes.

"Admiring my battle scar?" She teased. "You could use one yourself. Might make you look more handsome."

"Really?" Ravenpaw meowed. "'Cause I was just thinking how ugly yours looked."

Duskcloud gave him a hard shove. "You're just jealous because it makes me look more mature than you."

"Don't make me put you on elders' duty," Ravenpaw threatened.

Duskcloud rolled her eyes. "You and I both know you can only boss around the other apprentices. I'm a warrior now."

"Oh yeah?" Ravenpaw huffed. "I can boss around your apprentice then."

Duskcloud shot him a look. "You wouldn't dare! I'm taking Shadepaw hunting today!"

Ravenpaw sighed. "Nah, I won't. Hazelstripe is making me tend to the elders today anyways. He'll have my pelt if he finds out I shoved it onto Shadepaw."

"Ha!" Duskcloud exclaimed. "What did you do to get put on elders duty?"

"None of your business," Ravenpaw huffed, standing.

"Fine, don't tell me," Duskcloud pouted, scraping dirt over the remains of the squirrel they had finished.

Ravenpaw left without answering her. He ducked under the low hanging branches in the elders den, drooping leaves swiping over his head. The hollow it sat in kept the warmth in, but there was still a chill lingering in the air.

Ravenpaw blinked. Only Willowdusk and Stonewater were there. "Where's Whitemuzzle?"

Stonewater shifted in his nest. "He went out for a walk. Said he had to stretch his legs. I just think he wants to hunt."

"Well, that was foolish," Ravenpaw huffed. "He was complaining yesterday of aches and pains."

"I don't blame him," Willowdusk sighed. "Sometimes I get jealous of all you young cats running around, catching frogs. I miss those days."

"If you go jumping after frogs, don't come to me when your joints hurt," Ravenpaw huffed. "That'll be your own fault."

"I think I'll stick to having the apprentices bring me my frogs," Willowdusk purred. "These paws have seen the last of their jumping days."

"I'm collecting the old bedding," Ravenpaw said. "Is it scratchy?"

Stonewater pointed his nose in the direction of his mate's nest. "Wouldn't shut up about how irritating it was last night," he grumbled. "Patchpaw was kind enough to change mine not long ago, though. Didn't even have to be told."

Deciding to ignore the slight jab, Ravenpaw felt around for the dry and stale smelling moss. Some had even started to change color, showing how old it was. No wonder Whitemuzzle was complaining! This moss feels like it's a moon old! "Lazy apprentices," he muttered under his breath.

"You say somethin'?" Whitemuzzle had just padded into the den, and Ravenpaw could tell he was limping. He inhaled sharply as he sat down beside Stonewater.

"Let him be," Willowdusk sighed. "You and I both know Brownpaw and Shadepaw detest helping out, and Tigerpaw would much rather be playing with the kits in the nursery."

Whitemuzzle let out a snort. "What, does that mean he's gonna be in and out of our den all day long? I wanted to take a nap."

"It's not my fault you're sore!" Ravenpaw snapped. "You're the one who decided to go out when it's cold."

Whitemuzzle raised his nose at him. "How did you know I'm sore?"

Ravenpaw hooked a piece of dry moss and tossed it aside. "Did you forget in your old age that I'm the medicine apprentice? You were limping when you came in, and you made a noise when you sat down, like it hurt."

Stonewater was licking Whitemuzzle's ears, trying to soothe him. Whitemuzzle let out an amused huff. "Hunting at my age is always a bad idea."

Stonewater swatted his ear. "I knew you went hunting! You lied to me!"

Whitemuzzle lashed his tail. "Of course I did. You would've tried to stop me!"

"And now you've gone and hurt yourself," Stonewater growled. "Let Ravenpaw take a look, and not another word."

Even though the two toms failed to go a moment without bickering, Ravenpaw could feel how much they cared about each other. Not many mates were as lucky as Stonewater and Whitemuzzle, able to retire and live the rest of their days out peacefully together. Even as they argued everyday, not once did they ever not push their nests together to sleep.

"What were you hunting?" Ravenpaw asked, feeling Whitemuzzle's foreleg.

"A pigeon," Whitemuzzle answered. "I jumped just right, and caught it too, but I must have landed funny."

"It feels sprained," Ravenpaw mewed. "I'll get some elder leaves."

"Bring some mouse bile too," Willowdusk called. "I can't reach this tick in my neck."

The ivy hanging over the entrance had frozen dew, and it made Ravenpaw shiver as he entered the medicine den. He was quick in fetching what he needed, having everything exactly the way he liked it. Hazelstripe had finally stopped messing with his order of things, and it made him feel more relaxed.

The elder leaves were in a neat pile next to the fennel. It was low, and Ravenpaw made a mental note to collect more the next time he went out. It was easy to locate the mouse bile in the medicine den. It was kept in a secluded corner, but the bitter stench just blended in with the various smells of herbs.

As Ravenpaw padded close to the elders den, he heard them talking in hushed whispers. He stopped, and arched his ears.

"I feel bad for Hazelstripe," Willowdusk sighed. "Ravenpaw must be difficult to train."

"He's a pawful!" Whitemuzzle hissed quietly. "It's like he's filled to the brim with bad attitude and poor manners."

Stonewater shook his head. "I don't know how Hazelstripe does it."

Ravenpaw bristled. He knew the clan talked dirt about him behind his back, but hearing it directly never hurt any less. He pushed past the branches and entered the den, a sour expression on his face.

"Why don't you ask Hazelstripe yourself?" Ravenpaw snapped. The elders looked like frightened deer having been caught gossiping about him.

"Ravenpaw, we-" Willowdusk began, but he ignored her.

"Give me your leg," Ravenpaw ordered. Whitemuzzle stretched his foreleg out with a grimace. He chewed the elder leaves into an ointment and applied it to the sprain, licking it into the swollen skin.

"That hurts!" Whitemuzzle yelped.

"It would hurt less if you quit moving around," Ravenpaw shot back.

Whitemuzzle shut his mouth and kept his leg still. Ravenpaw was nearly done rubbing in the poultice into the sprain. I already know Hazelstripe doesn't like me. I don't need some crotchety elders or anyone else reminding me.

Ravenpaw began to groom through Willowdusk's fur with his claws. A tick was lodged in the nape of her neck.

"Look, you're a talented medicine cat," Willowdusk said gently. "You just come off too rough towards others."

You'll be telling me I should be more like Hazelstripe next, Ravenpaw thought, tugging at her tick harder than he needed to.

"Ow!" Willowdusk exclaimed.

Ravenpaw cracked the tick between his teeth. "I'm finished."

He had just started putting together fresh bedding for Whitemuzzle and Willowdusk, when his ears picked up a commotion from the nursery. Ravenpaw turned from his work and in the direction of the nursery.

Sunfall was ushering her kits- Fennelkit and Stormkit- out of the nursery with hushed whispers. Brightstep was right behind her, belly swaying and swollen with kits. Sunfall's movements were quick-paced, making a beeline to the medicine den. Brightstep was nudging Fennelkit and Stormkit in the direction of the elders den.

Ravenpaw stood up. "Brightstep, what's going on?"

"Sunfall's gone to get Hazelstripe." The queen had a look of urgency on her face.

"Hazelstripe is out collecting herbs," he explained. "What is it?"

Brightstep was silent. She glanced over in the direction of the nursery. Muffled cries of pain could now be heard.

Ravenpaw looked at her, then back at the nursery. "Where's my mom?" His chest clenched. She had moved into the nursery not long ago when she found out she was pregnant again. It had come as a pleasant surprise to both her and Sharpheart.

Brightstep's lack of an answer was enough for Ravenpaw to run off in the direction of the nursery, but he crashed into Sunfall.

"You shouldn't go in there," she warned. "Her kits are coming and it's going all wrong."

"I'm still a medicine cat, now let me through!" He pushed passed the queen and into the den. It was dim, and the sharp tang of blood hit him. Junipershade lay on her side, sprawled out in an awkward manner. A spasm travelled down her body, and she trembled, suppressing her cries of pain.

"Hazelstripe, is that you?" She asked, eyes glazed with pain.

Ravenpaw swallowed. His mouth was dry. "N- no, it's me, mom. Ravenpaw."

"The kits," she panted. "It's too soon."

"I know, I know," Ravenpaw muttered, licking her heaving flank to try and soothe her. "I need too get some herbs. Please, just breathe."

Darting out of the nursery, he hurled himself into the medicine den. Never in his life did he think he would be grabbing at his herbs, carelessly wreaking havoc on the tidiness of it all.

Herbs for kittings, herbs for kittings… Desperation clawed at Ravenpaw. Every moment he wasn't in there with his mother was torment. Frantically, he snatched up a thick stick, chervil, poppy seeds, and ragwort.

Ravenpaw sprinted back into the medicine den. Sunfall was inside, muttering soft words to Junipershade. "Move," he growled. He was half tempted to merely shove her aside, but Sunfall obeyed and took a few steps back.

The smell of blood was making his head spin. Ravenpaw steeled himself. "Eat these," he said. "It'll help."

Craning her head down, Junipershade lapped up the chervil and ragwort. She chewed for a moment, swallowed, and laid her head back down. Her breathing was uneven and ragged, and the blood loss was far more extreme than any other kitting Ravenpaw had seen.

"Do you want to bite this?" Ravenpaw asked, pushing the stick close to her.

Junipershade barely had the strength to shake her head. Another convulsion rippled through her, and this time her cries were weak and tired. Her eyes kept fluttering open and shut. She was growing weary from all the blood she had lost.

"I see a kit!" Sunfall gasped.

"You're doing good," Ravenpaw meowed, trying not to let his worry show. "Just keep pushing."

Ravenpaw turned to Sunfall. She was licking the pathetic kitten, her tongue almost the size of the kit's body. Its bloody black fur was ruffled from Sunfall's licking, but no movement came.

"There's still two kits," Ravenpaw said, tearing his eyes away from the stillborn lump. "You're so strong, mom."

Junipershade's eyes were barely open now, head laying slack on the ground as her contractions shuddered through her body. Her sides were heaving in shallow, uneven rises and falls. Ravenpaw took to licking her ears to keep her awake.

His forelegs were soaked in his mother's blood in an effort to stop the bleeding. Ravenpaw's efforts were focused on staying calm and keeping Junipershade conscious. Sunfall had nosed the stillborn kit into a dark corner so Junipershade couldn't see. Ravenpaw wasn't even sure if his mother was aware of what was going on anymore.

"It's so cold in here," Junipershade panted.

Ravenpaw paled. It wasn't cold at all. Truthfully, the nursery always kept in the humidity and hotness from other cats being in such a cramped space. The heat was making his cheeks flush, but Junipershade was shivering as if she was in a blizzard.

"It's alright," he hushed her. "You're doing so good. Sunfall, warm her up."

Sunfall didn't move. The look on the queen's face betrayed her. "We need Hazelstripe," she whispered.

Ravenpaw ignored her. If she wasn't going to help, there was no point in answering. Another shudder passed through Junipershade, and Sunfall's fallen expression changed as she began to tend to the second kit.

"Only one more kit," Ravenpaw muttered. "Stay with me now. You're gonna be okay."

Sunfall had stopped licking the second kit. It lay unmoving just like the one before it. Ravenpaw had never seen such tiny kits before. They were the size of his paw.

"Is it alive?" Junipershade asked weakly, trying to sit up and look.

Ravenpaw gently pushed her back down. "Just focus on your breathing. There's still another kit. You need your strength."

Junipershade conceded and flopped back down. Her hazy eyes were focused ahead, staring blankly at nothing as her breathing weakened. Ravenpaw pressed his nose into her fur.

"I'm going to find my father," Sunfall said finally, slinking past Ravenpaw to track down Hazelstripe.

Ravenpaw was spewing reassuring words to his mother as he tried to get her to concentrate on pushing. If he hadn't known his fur was black, he would've thought it was red from the thick blood that covered him now.

Junipershade arched her ears up and raised her head. She was looking at something at the mouth of the den. Ravenpaw glanced behind him, but nothing was there.

"Do you hear it?" She whispered. "Birdsong."

Ravenpaw's throat grew tight. "Mom, there's no birdsong."

Junipershade sighed and laid her head back down. "It's so beautiful. Butterflies everywhere… so beautiful."

Ravenpaw shook her. "Hey, look at me!" His voice cracked as he held back his tears.

His mother's eyes found him, and they seemed to clear. "My Raven," she breathed. A smile danced on her mouth. "So underappreciated. Misunderstood. You and Dusk… are my light." She let out a weak exhale, and her eyes shut.

Ravenpaw was frozen for a moment. "Mom? Mom!" He nudged her with his muzzle. "Don't close your eyes; get up!" His heart was racing and he found it hard to breathe.

He glanced around the nursery frantically. He stopped, spotting a third kitten near his mother's tail. "Ah!" He exclaimed. He nipped the sac and began licking its fur.

"Wake up, mom," he cried between licks. "You've got kits to feed! You can't leave!"

Grief crashed down on him like a wave. He buried his nose into his mother's fur, breathing in her warm scent. She always smelled sweet, like honey and lillies. Junipershade still did not move, even when his tears stained her pelt. Ravenpaw admitted defeat. He sniffed deeply, and turned his attention back to the kit.

Ravenpaw didn't hear Hazelstripe come in. He was too busy trying to get the little kit to cry, breathe, move, anything. He jumped when he felt Hazelstripe's tail on his shoulder.

"It's stillborn," Hazelstripe said softly. "You can stop."

Ravenpaw didn't process his mentor's words immediately. He heard them, but he was afraid if he took the time to respond, it would be time wasted when he could be licking the kit. He was licking gently, worried the kit was so weak he would hurt it.

"Let it go, Ravenpaw," Hazelstripe murmured. "It's alright."

Ravenpaw let out a low, mournful croon deep in his chest, but he did not stop his vigorous licking. I'm not letting you go, Ravenpaw thought. You're going to make it. He repeated it in his head like a mantra, as if thinking it could make it come true.

And as if his silent prayers were heard, Ravenpaw felt a tiny shiver run through it. Its jaws opened with a soundless mew, and Ravenpaw let out a choked gasp.

"You're alive," he sobbed. "Oh, StarClan, you're alive." Ravenpaw collapsed. He was exhausted. His whole body felt numb as he held the tiny kit in his paws, mutely crying into the moss of his mother's nest.

Hazelstripe could tell Ravenpaw was crying from the shudder of his body with every silent sob that wracked him. "That kit needs to nurse," he said gently.

Collecting himself, Ravenpaw stood. "You're- you're right," he muttered. "Where's Sunfall?"

Hazelstripe bowed his head. "I'll get her."

Shock was setting in. Ravenpaw thought about getting some juniper berries for himself, but then he thought of his mother again, and he didn't. He staggered out of the nursery, feeble kit held by the scruff in his teeth.

Sharpheart, his father, ran up to him. "Ravenpaw!" He exclaimed. He looked down at his son's paws. "You're covered in blood. What happened?"

He had been on the patrol with Hazelstripe, and thus, was in the dark. He saw the kit in Ravenpaw's jaws, and his expression changed. "Ravenpaw, where's Junipershade?"

Ravenpaw stayed mute. His eyes were orange and bleak, staring dully at the ground where he had left bloody pawprints. The atmosphere was cold, but he couldn't feel anything. Sharpheart's eyes gradually widened when Ravenpaw didn't answer, and he ran past him into the medicine den. The warrior let out a dreadful wail once he was inside, which soon devolved into muffled sobs.

"Ravenpaw, how could you let this happen?" Sharpheart yowled woefully, staggering out of the medicine den.

Ravenpaw flinched at his father's words. "I- I tried."

Sharpheart's nose bridge was scrunched in a snarl. "You should have tried harder! Are you training to be a medicine cat for nothing if you can't even save your own family members?"

Hazelstripe approached, Sunfall at his side. She took the pathetic kit from Ravenpaw gently. It tried to cry, but no sound came. It wriggled pathetically in Sunfall's grip, but seeing the kit with energy was a good sign.

Ravenpaw stood numb, taking the brunt of his father's cruel words. "This is your fault!" Sharpheart cried. "If Hazelstripe had been here instead of you, Junipershade would still be alive! This is all your fault!"

"Alright, Sharpheart," Hazelstripe said. "That's enough. Come with me." He tried to escorted the distraught tom into the medicine den, likely to calm him down, but Sharpheart shoved the medicine cat off.

"He might as well have killed her himself!" Sharpheart hissed at Hazelstripe. He rounded on his son. "You should have never become a medicine cat! You would've been lousy as a warrior and you're lousy as a medicine cat too!"

"That is enough, Sharpheart!" Hazelstripe snarled. "Go wait in my den. Now!"

Ravenpaw's vision blurred, and he blinked. Hazelstripe was talking to him, but he couldn't hear. He was too far away, trapped in his own head.

"Do you hear me, Ravenpaw?" Hazelstripe was forcing eye contact. "This is not your fault. You did everything you could. Believe me."

"I lost her, Hazelstripe…" Ravenpaw choked out. "If I was just better… If I was you…"

"You can't think like that," Hazelstripe meowed. "There was nothing you could have done, Ravenpaw. You can't save everyone."

"I wanted to do this so I could save everyone," Ravenpaw said. "And I failed."

Hazelstripe stared at Ravenpaw for a moment. "Your job isn't to save everyone. It's to help those you can."

Ravenpaw shook his head. "If I can't save everyone… what good am I?"

"You saved her kit," Hazelstripe pointed out. "I think that's pretty good."

His mind felt fuzzy, and the air felt heavy. "I need to be alone." Ravenpaw stumbled away, Hazelstripe's pleas falling on deaf ears.

Everything was empty. He couldn't feel the pain in his paw pads as he stepped on the pricks of thorns on the ground, nor did he hear the branches creaking and shifting in the wind. It was as if something had possessed his body for him, guiding his paws as he numbly walked.

Duskcloud doesn't know… Will she blame me too? Dad is right. This is all my fault. If I was just who everyone wants me to be, I wouldn't be a failure. If I wasn't me, I could have saved her.

Ravenpaw was walking unsteady, swaying this way and that as his body felt weak. Though he had initially cried, those tears had stolen all emotion from him. He was now an aimless husk of a cat, following the tug in his chest to where it wanted him to go.

He didn't hear Runningpaw at first. It wasn't until the WindClan tom was leaping down the willow tree, did Ravenpaw process his presence.

"Are you alright?" Runningpaw gasped. "You're covered in blood!" He was sniffing at Ravenpaw, checking him over for any wounds. Ravenpaw turned away weakly.

"Don't worry," he muttered. "It's not my blood." Though Runningpaw's presence never failed to make Ravenpaw's heart race at impossible speeds, his heart was still.

Runningpaw relaxed. He pressed his body against Ravenpaw's. "What happened?"

Ravenpaw collapsed to the ground, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His world felt dark, like the last light was snuffed out, leaving Ravenpaw in shadow, and alone.

"I'm a terrible medicine cat," he murmured. "I… I couldn't save her. My own mother."

"Oh…" Runningpaw's voice was soft. He pressed his head against Ravenpaw's shoulder. "Ravenpaw… that isn't your fault. I know you will blame yourself, but you need to believe me. No matter what happened, I know you tried your best."

Ravenpaw turned dull eyes to Runningpaw. His words felt genuine, and his eyes were gleaming with something bright and warm. "Everyone in my clan wants me to be just like Hazelstripe," he said quietly. "And if I was like Hazelstripe… maybe… maybe I could have saved her."

"I want you to be you," Runningpaw said firmly. "Because there's no one like you and I love that." He began licking the blood clean from Ravenpaw's paws. "Look, I don't know what to say or do. I'm not very good with this sort of thing. But you have the desire to save everyone, and I need you to know it's okay if you don't. It doesn't mean you're any less of a medicine cat, or a son. It doesn't make you a failure."

Ravenpaw's throat tightened. He tried to swallow his sobs, but they were too thick, and he let out a choked noise. His eyes were heavy clouds, and his tears poured out like hot rain down his face. Runningpaw's tongue came in soothing strokes on his legs, washing the drying blood from his fur. As raw, desperate cries wracked his body, Runningpaw stuck by his side, an ever comforting rock.

Ravenpaw sunk into the sodden earth, sniffing as his tears halted. His eyes were drained dry. Blinking the salty remains of his tears away, he yawned. He latched onto Runningpaw, holding the WindClan tom like his life depended on it. Runningpaw continued to groom him, licking his ears softly.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep. Ravenpaw looked around. The sky was still black, and the claw shaped moon hung high above him. There was a weight against him. Curled into his belly fur with his chin resting on Ravenpaw's legs, was Runningpaw. He was as quiet as a mouse as he slept, and his presence lifted some of the crushing weight off of Ravenpaw's shoulders.

He laid his head back down, content to sleep under the stars holding onto Runningpaw. He had expected him to leave, and the fact he stayed though the sun had set was a relief and a surprise.

Junipershade's light had gone out, leaving Ravenpaw's world dark. As he stared at Runningpaw, matching his breathing to his, a new light began to flicker, taking his mother's place.

A/N

I don't plan to end Ravenpaw's grief here, just so you know. I'm still struggling to show rather than tell, so please tell me how I did below!