A/N
I almost forgot to finish this chapter because I got Animal Crossing New Horizons and I've been playing nonstop.
Brambleflower: Runningpaw is becoming a gradual disaster as he comes into himself and Ravenpaw knows it lmao, though Raven already has a crush on him and finds everything he does endearing. I love how even though they argue, they're excellent at communication, which I believe to be key.
Chapter 10: Worthy Heart
"Play nicely, Duskkit!"
"Moooom!" Duskkit whined, stopping short in her tracks. "It's just a butterfly. Ravenkit was chasing it too!"
Junipershade narrowed her eyes. "I wasn't talking to Ravenkit, I was talking to you."
Ravenkit stuck out his tongue at his sister, chin raised triumphantly. The monarch fluttered over his head, and rested on the tip of his nose. He stood perfectly still, eyes crossed to stare at the butterfly.
"Ooh, don't move, sweetie," Junipershade mewed. "I think it likes you."
"No fair, no fair!" Duskkit gasped. "I want it to like me."
"Maybe you shouldn't have tried to pull its wings off, then," Ravenkit teased.
Its majestic orange and black wings slowly opened and closed, and Ravenkit could feel its little feet perched on his grey nose. He was holding his breath, as if the slightest movement would disturb it.
"They say butterflies hold souls," Junipershade said.
"Really?" Ravenkit meowed. As he spoke, the monarch departed, flitting away. He turned to look at his mother, only to find she was no longer laying
"Mom?" Alarm flashed through him. "Mom, where'd you go?"
He looked around. "Duskkit, where-" He turned to his sister, only to find she too was missing. In fact, the entirety of ShadowClan camp was completely void of any cats.
"Hello?" The camp was so dead silent that it made his ears ring. When he shouted, the ground opened up beneath his paws, dropping him into a dark abyss.
He landed in something wet and sticky, and the smell of blood choked him. It was disgustingly warm and it pulled him down like a current. In the distance, he saw the body of his mother struggling to swim through the sloshing waves of blood.
"Mom!" He cried, trying to run towards her, but the current was stronger, and made every step he took agonizingly slow. "I'm coming, just hang on!"
Junipershade's head breached the surface, blood sticking to her. She reached a paw out desperately, stretching out to try to get to her son. A bloody wave crested and crashed over Junipershade, submerging her in the blood.
"Mo-" He tried to call out to her, but a wave caught him by surprise and the blood stuck in his throat. He coughed and spluttered, struggling to paddle back to the surface, but another wave came. He sunk into the depths of the thick, hot blood.
Ravenpaw woke up in a cold sweat. It was still dark out. The memory of his nightmare came flooding back to him, and everything felt heavier.
With a hunched posture, Ravenpaw stood from his nest. He could see a tinge of yellow on the horizon, and he figured he might as well stay awake than try to go back to sleep.
Brushing past the cold ivy hanging over the medicine den, Ravenpaw stepped out into the chilly early morning. Outside, sitting just by the entrance of camp, was Tigersnag. She had gotten her warrior name the night before and was sitting vigil. She was sat perfectly still, looking out on the horizon.
He remembered the time she had snuck into the medicine den back when she was a kit and knocked over a ton of the supplies. Now, she often was making sure the kits steered clear of messing with the medicine den. It felt strange, seeing someone who was younger than him get her name before him.
"You're relieved," Ravenpaw said.
Tigersnag looked startled. "Oh. I didn't even realize the sun was coming up."
"Come get some ragwort," Ravenpaw mewed. "It'll keep your energy up for the remainder of the day."
"Oh, right," she chuckled. "Thank you."
Tigersnag followed Ravenpaw into the den, nosing past the cold tendrils dangling over the entrance. He passed the tabby the shrubby leaves, and the new warrior lapped them up.
Tigersnag made a face. "Ugh, it's terrible!"
"That's how you know it's good for you," Ravenpaw said.
Tigersnag shook herself, and took to grooming to get the foul taste out of her mouth. "Thank you," she mewed with a smile. She slipped out of the den quietly and Ravenpaw let out a particularly heavy sigh.
Just when he thought he was alone for a moment, Ravenpaw heard Hazelstripe shifting in his nest behind him. He quickly licked a paw and swiped it over his cheeks and face. He felt Hazelstripe's eyes on him.
"Did you sleep?" Hazelstripe asked.
Ravenpaw didn't look at him. "A little."
"Ravenpaw-" Hazelstripe began, but his apprentice cut him off swiftly.
"We need to collect catmint now that leaf-bare is almost here," Ravenpaw said quickly. "I better get on the dawn patrol."
"Songkit was asking for you last night."
Ravenpaw froze. His little sister was half a moon old now and all she ever did was trail after Ravenpaw whenever she could. "I'm busy," Ravenpaw said coldly.
"She needs her big brother," Hazelstripe said gently.
"She needs her mother," Ravenpaw growled. Before Hazelstripe had the chance to answer, Ravenpaw stalked out of the den. He heard his mentor say something, but he was already heading towards Sootflower.
"Ravenpaw," she greeted him gruffly. "Need something?"
"I'm stocking up on catmint for leaf-bare," Ravenpaw mewed. "Lemme on the patrol."
The deputy nodded. "We can make a detour near the SkyClan border." She turned to Spiderwhisker and Patchpaw. "You two up for a patrol?"
Patchpaw grinned and nodded. Spiderwhisker gave a little sigh. "Sure thing," the warrior sighed. Patchpaw was always the early bird type.
"If you're looking for catmint does that mean we have greencough?" asked Patchpaw, her tail bushed up a little.
"He's just being safe," Spiderwhisker told her apprentice. "Catmint dies in the cold."
"Quickfoot!" Sootflower shouted. "Come join this patrol."
The silver mottled tom stopped dotting on Mistsnow and trotted over to the deputy. "Can't a tom spend some time with his mate?" Quickfoot grumbled.
"Not if you knock her up," Spiderwhisker teased. "Kits in leaf-bare sucks." She glanced awkwardly at Ravenpaw. "Uh, no offense."
"None taken," Ravenpaw muttered. "Medicinally, it is difficult. Better to wait till new-leaf."
Even though leaf-bare was taking over leaf-fall, the undergrowth remained thick underfoot. Ravenpaw's breath came in puffy clouds from the cold as they padded over the frosty ground.
The dawn sky was clear with crisp breezes as Ravenpaw trailed behind the patrol. Spiderwhisker was sniffing the air carefully as Quickfoot renewed the scent markers on the ThunderClan border.
"All clear," the tom mewed.
"Let's head towards SkyClan," Sootflower said. "Ravenpaw can look in that abandoned twoleg nest on the border for some catmint, and we'll check WindClan on the way back."
A small gully dipped along the border near SkyClan, where a rundown twoleg nest resided. The fence's white color had faded, and the structure of the nest had been falling apart since long before Ravenpaw had even been born.
The patrol laxly crossed the abandoned Thunderpath, so old and worn that weeds had begun to sprout in the cracks of the hard, black earth. The sharp little stones grazed Ravenpaw's pads, but it was gravelly from monsters having not traveled it in many seasons.
Ravenpaw sprang up onto the edge of the fence and down into the wild, frost-stiffened grass down below. "Look around," he mewed to Patchpaw as she jumped down after him.
"It's all black," Patchpaw said, turning her nose up. A clump of catmint was shriveled and covered in frost along the base of the splintering fence.
"I still smell some fresh catmint," Ravenpaw said, rooting around the dead vegetation near the wall of the nest. His stomach dropped. What if it had all been killed already?
Hidden by dry, brown leaves, was a large patch of catmint. Ravenpaw breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The leaves had protected it from the cold. He scraped away the leaves and earth and nipped at the fuzzy stalks. He held the leaves in his teeth, careful to not let his tongue absorb the delicious flavor.
"Whoa!" Patchpaw exclaimed. "I've never seen so much catmint before!"
"The leaves protected it," Ravenpaw said through the catmint. "Cover it up again."
Patchpaw brushed the dead leaves over the catmint with her tail, covering it up completely. "Will it be safe?"
Ravenpaw shrugged. There was no way to be sure. She seemed to understand, for she turned away and leapt up and over the fence back down to the patrol.
"Can you make it back to camp on your own?" Sootflower asked.
Ravenpaw gave a curt nod and set off back towards camp. He detested how other cats assumed he was incapable just because he was a medicine cat.
He was quick to camp, hurrying so the flavor wouldn't seep on his tongue, but also because the last thing he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts.
The thorn tunnel bristled as he brushed through, and he saw Hazelstripe sitting just outside the medicine den in the sun. He looked old in the light, and the aged look of his mentor threw Ravenpaw off. His grandkits, Stormkit and Fennelkit, were running circles around him, happily mewing. Sunfall was sitting in the mouth of the nursery, watching them annoy her father with an amused look.
"Ravenpaw!" Stormkit exclaimed. "What smells so good?"
"That's catmint," Hazelstripe mewed. "It's very precious to medicine cats."
"That's a lot!" Fennelkit said, reaching his head forward to sniff the catmint.
"It is," Hazelstripe agreed. "How'd you find so much in this weather?"
"It was covered by some leaves," Ravenpaw answered dully. "The frost didn't reach it."
He slipped in the medicine den and set the catmint down into its empty space. He heard Stormkit and Fennelkit begin to tussle, and saw Stormkit pin down his brother with a triumphant mew.
"Did you see that?" Stormkit asked eagerly, looking up at his grandfather.
Hazelstripe purred lowly and nodded. "I did, Stormkit. That was a good pounce."
"I'm gonna be the best warrior in all of ShadowClan!" Stormkit boasted.
Fennelkit brushed the dirt off himself with a shake. "Oh yeah?" He gave his brother a playful shove. "Well, I'm gonna be the best warrior in all of the clans!"
"You can both be great warriors in your own ways," Hazelstripe said. "Strength isn't all there is."
Ravenpaw exited the den and Stormkit and Fennelkit bombarded him by running into his legs. He stumbled back, feeling awkward. He never knew how to behave around kits. He couldn't talk to them in his usual bitter manner like he did with everyone else. Just because he didn't like kits, didn't mean he was going to be needlessly rude to them.
"You should eat something, Ravenpaw," Hazelstripe mewed. Stormkit was pulling at his ear with his teeth. Hazelstripe seemed completely unfazed. "The hunting patrol just got back. I saw Snailspots put a starling in the pile," he said. "Isn't that your favorite?"
"I'm not hungry," Ravenpaw answered quickly. His stomach twisted in protest, but made no noise to alert Hazelstripe.
His mentor tilted his head. Stormkit tumbled off. "When's the last time you ate?"
"Last night," Ravenpaw lied.
"I didn't see you take anything from the pile," Hazelstripe pointed out.
Ravenpaw dodged the comment. "We have work to do, you know. What should I do?"
Hazelstripe sighed. "You can take a break, you know. The half-moon is tonight. You'll need your energy."
"I'm going to see if the elders need anything," Ravenpaw said, ignoring Hazelstripe.
He sensed Hazelstripe's eyes follow him all the way as he headed to the elders den. He ducked under the leafless branches, bark fraying from the cold and kits scratching at it.
"I was just about to get Hazelstripe," Whitemuzzle said. "But you're here now."
"What is it?" Ravenpaw asked, grateful to actually have something to do.
"Stonewater's got a cough," Whitemuzzle said. His voice was gruff as always, but there was an undertone of worry.
"Let me feel," Ravenpaw said. "And don't talk so I can feel properly."
Without being given the chance to protest, Stonewater lifted his chin to let Ravenpaw prod gently at his throat. There was a touch of swelling around his tonsils.
"It's a bit swollen," Ravenpaw reported. "Be right back."
He picked up some coltsfoot from its pile next to the tansy, which was stale and needed replacing. A sour smell caught his attention, and he turned his head in the direction. He saw a few rotted juniper berries and stared at them for definitely way too long. He had yet to throw them out.
Junipershade… His heart tugged and his throat grew raw. Mom. He turned away from the berries and forced himself to leave the den.
"Um, there's some berries that need to be tossed out," Ravenpaw said quickly to Hazelstripe. "Just thought I'd tell you."
"Oh, oh, I'll do it!" Stormkit exclaimed, scrambling over Fennelkit to get into the medicine den.
"Stormkit, no, you're not allowed in there!" Hazelstripe called after him, to no avail.
Ravenpaw could hear Whitemuzzle and Stonewater bickering as he got closer. Listening to the two of them argue like kits made him wonder what he'd be like when he got old.
"-not sick!" Stonewater protested as Ravenpaw walked in.
"You two are going to drive me insane," Willowdusk growled. "I'll come back when you stop arguing like kits over a moss-ball."
Lashing her tail in annoyance, Willowdusk stormed out. Ravenpaw glanced over his shoulder to see Stormkit and Fennelkit practically run the old she-cat over as they begged her for a story.
"Ravenpaw, tell Stonewater he's sick," Whitemuzzle said, huffing. Stonewater rolled his eyes.
Ravenpaw gave a sigh. "If you're going to ignore a medicine cat's diagnosis, you're free to get worse." He set the coltsfoot down. "But taking this will help ease your breathing."
Stonewater turned his head up. "I don't need herbs," he grumbled.
"Take them anyway," Whitemuzzle urged. "At least then you're eating something."
"I already told you," Stonewater meowed. "I hate taking prey from the younger cats. They need it more than I do."
"Then there," Whitemuzzle meowed. "Take the coltsfoot."
Giving a cross mutter, Stonewater brushed the shredded leaves close to him and bent to lap them up. Whitemuzzle's expression changed from upset to relieved once all the coltsfoot was gone.
"Thank you, Ravenpaw," Whitemuzzle said. Stonewater only gave a grunt.
Ravenpaw blinked in response, giving a short nod. As he was heading back to the medicine den, Sunfall called out to him. He narrowed his eyes, and turned in her direction.
"What is it, Sunfall?" Ravenpaw asked. Being so close to the nursery made him feel sick.
"I know Songkit would really appreciate it if you visited her," Sunfall said softly. "She really loves you."
"I- I can't," Ravenpaw gulped. "I'm sorry."
"Please, Ravenpaw," Sunfall pleaded. "Sharpheart refuses to see her. He says she looks too much like her mother. Duskcloud has been too busy training Shadepaw. You're all she's got."
"She's got you," Ravenpaw pointed out sharply, stalking off with a wave of nausea making him have to shut his eyes briefly.
Duskcloud was returning from a training session with Shadepaw at her heels, carrying a fat toad and sweating. She must have worn him to the bone. Brownpaw was following with his mentor as well, Dewstorm.
Ravenpaw made eye contact with her, and he swiftly looked the other way. He heard her call his name. Anxiety shot through him.
"Wait, please," Duskcloud gasped. "I want to talk with you."
"So talk," Ravenpaw growled stiffly.
Duskcloud didn't flinch at his tone. "We should go somewhere private. Care for a walk?"
"Do I have a choice?" Ravenpaw groaned. He had been dreading a conversation with his sister ever since he told her about their mother's untimely death.
"Uh, no," Duskcloud said. "Come on."
"Actually," Ravenpaw said quickly. Think of something! Quick! "I have to… uh… get tansy. We're all out. We can talk another time."
"Hazelstripe can get tansy," Duskcloud meowed. "He's been lounging with Stormkit and Fennelkit all day."
"But, I-"
"Ravenpaw."
He swallowed dryly. "Fine."
They walked in uncomfortable silence. With Ravenpaw following behind his sister, he had no way of reading her expression for any idea of how she was feeling. Pine needles pricked their paws as they padded. He had no idea as to where Duskcloud was taking him.
The evergreens parted to reveal a small clearing with thick bushes growing over a rocky ledge. Ravenpaw's stomach twisted. Juniper berries.
"Why did you bring me here of all places?" Ravenpaw grumbled.
"Because I knew you would hate it," Duskcloud answered. "The berries make you think of mom, don't they?"
Ravenpaw narrowed his eyes at his sister.
Duskcloud shrugged. "Please. Juniper berries? Junipershade? It wasn't very hard to put it together."
"Congratulations then," he huffed. Is that all she had to say?
She was quiet for a moment. "You said mom heard birdsong when she was dying." She looked up at Ravenpaw. "Is that why Songkit's name is what it is?"
"What do you want, Duskcloud?" Ravenpaw growled. He was growing sick of her beating around the bush real fast.
"I want you to stop moping around all the time," Duskcloud meowed harshly. "You've been going around like a dark cloud with matted fur raining on everybody."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Ravenpaw growled. "Is my mourning upsetting you?"
"You're not the only one who's mourning!" Duskcloud shot back. "Do you honestly think I'm not feeling exactly what you are? Because I am!"
"You're not the one who killed her," Ravenpaw meowed solemnly.
"Neither are you!" Duskcloud growled. "You didn't kill her, kitbirth did!"
"I failed to save her," Ravenpaw pointed out in a low voice.
"Boo hoo," Duskcloud huffed. Her harshness surprised Ravenpaw. "You're not doing yourself any favors by acting like this. I'm quite literally the only one who understands what you're going through, so stop acting like you're all alone, because you're not."
Duskcloud shifted closer. "You have me," she whispered.
"Dad doesn't hate you, though," Ravenpaw pointed out. "He blames me."
"You're hating and blaming yourself too," Duskcloud countered. "How does that make you any better than him?"
"I don't want to be better than him, I want to feel better!" Ravenpaw cried. "Do you have any idea how angry I am?"
Duskcloud looked offended. "Of course I do! My own brother is a messenger of StarClan and we didn't get any warnings. Nothing. No advice or vision or omen to help save her. She just… died.."
Ravenpaw was quiet. "I couldn't help her, Duskcloud. I became a medicine cat so that I could save the ones I love. I don't know how things are gonna go back to normal now that she's gone."
"It's not ever going to be the same," Duskcloud said bluntly. "She was my mom, too. Wallowing in your own self pity isn't going to bring her back."
"I'm not wallowing!" Ravenpaw protested.
"Oh?" Duskcloud cocked her head. "Then what would you call it?"
He opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it. What would he call it? "I- I'm mourning her. Aren't you?"
"If you have to ask, you aren't either," she growled in a low voice.
The tension was palpable as they walked back to ShadowClan. He had no clue what to say to Duskcloud. What's her point?
When they slipped through the thorn barrier back into camp, most everyone was sitting in the setting sun sharing tongues and prey. Duskcloud was gone before Ravenpaw had gathered his thoughts. He located her near the apprentice den, where she sat down with Dewstorm and Brownpaw.
Ravenpaw flopped down in his nest in the medicine den, feeling drained. His legs felt like they were melting into the ground, with his raw emotions swirling up to the surface.
He closed his eyes for a moment. His ears were pounding with the echo of his heartbeat as he tried to fend off his dark thoughts. His ears swiveled at the sound of someone entering the den.
"Did you forget it's the half-moon tonight?" Came Hazelstripe's voice.
Ravenpaw opened one eye. "No."
"Well then why are laying in your nest?" Hazelstripe asked.
"'Cause I'm not going," Ravenpaw huffed.
Hazelstripe's eyes widened a bit. "What? Yes, you are."
"The Moonfall doesn't need two ShadowClan cats," Ravenpaw pointed out. "I'm gonna stay here. Just in case."
"Don't you want to see Runningpaw?" Hazelstripe meowed. He was trying to sound casual, but Ravenpaw could hear the tempt underlying.
"Why would I?" Ravenpaw retorted.
"It's important you come," Hazelstripe said, not answering his question. "The only time you won't be going is if you're ill."
"We have ill cats to look over," Ravenpaw shot back.
"Just Stonewater with a cough," Hazelstripe countered. "Come now. I won't ask again."
Letting out a particularly throaty hiss, Ravenpaw stood. He could sense the impatience off his mentor's pelt.
He dragged his paws as they made the trek down the river towards the meeting place. The scents of WindClan and SkyClan tinged the air.
"The others seem to be waiting," Hazelstripe mewed, nose raised. ThunderClan and RiverClan scents weren't fresh.
"Oh, good," Ravenpaw said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Hazelstripe ignored him.
"Good to see you," Honeypool purred from down the slope.
Hazelstripe limped down carefully. The injury he sustained from the fox attack all those moons ago left him with a visible gait. Ravenpaw treaded down haphazardly, kicking up rocks and dirt as he skidded up to the other medicine cats.
"Hey, Ravenpaw," Runningpaw greeted. His voice was rumbly with a faint purr. Ravenpaw only gave him a blink in return.
Moments later, Seedcloud came down the slope with Pondpaw trailing behind him. Once they were down, Milkpool and Fallowleaf followed.
"Sorry we're late," Milkpool breathed.
Cloverwing shook her head. "No, you're right on time. Come, the moon is almost high."
They walked across the thin path behind the waterfall, cold water spraying their fur in tiny drops. The little gap was dim and cold, even with the half-moon shining silver against the wet rock walls.
As Ravenpaw stretched to lay down, Hazelstripe meowed, "Wait."
Shocked, he sat up quickly. Is he doing what I think he's doing?
"Before we share tongues with StarClan," Hazelstripe continued, his voice echoing around the hollow. "I have a task to do. It has come time that Ravenpaw be given his full name."
Ravenpaw failed to contain his astonishment. Why? Why now? He couldn't have picked a worse time. This is why he insisted I come tonight!
"Well, Ravenpaw?" Hazelstripe sounded amused, unaware. "Will you come forward?"
"I-" He swallowed. "No!"
Hazelstripe's eyes went wide. The other medicine cats' gazes burned into Ravenpaw's pelt. He could feel their confusion rippling off.
"Is it not your wish to become a medicine cat?" Hazelstripe asked, obviously surprised.
"It- it is!" Ravenpaw gasped. "I just… I'm not worthy."
Hazelstripe was silent for a moment. "Why do you think that?"
"I…" Ravenpaw sighed. "I'm not a good medicine cat. I don't deserve my medicine name. A good medicine cat wouldn't have sulked about losing a cat. They would have done better. I'm not worthy of the title."
Hazelstripe closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You have given your energy and dedication to medicine and to ShadowClan despite your grief. You are hurting, and yet you still persevered."
His vision blurred and stretched as his eyes welled. "Hazelstripe, I-"
Hazelstripe interrupted him. "So… I, Hazelstripe, medicine cat of ShadowClan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down on this apprentice. He has trained hard to understand the ways of a medicine cat, and with your help he will serve his Clan for many moons."
Ravenpaw was acutely aware of his peers watching him with fur stood on end. He was fighting back his tears. Everything was fuzzy now.
"Ravenpaw," he went on. "Do you promise to uphold the ways of a medicine cat, to stand apart from rivalry between Clan and Clan and to protect all cats equally, even at the cost of your life?
Ravenpaw was afraid to speak, in fear of his voice cracking. "I- I'm not worthy, I-" The look in Hazelstripe's eyes was gentle, and genuine. Ravenpaw blinked, and the hot tears that had built up in his eyes spilled over. "I do."
"Then, by the powers of StarClan I give you your full name as a medicine cat."
Ravenpaw sniffed deeply. His cheeks were wet, and a frosty breeze made them feel cold were his tears had run.
"Ravenpaw, from this moment, you will be known as Ravenwind." Hazelstripe's voice was mellow, but it rang with pride. "StarClan honors your resilience and willpower. Your pertinacity will save many lives to come."
Runningpaw was first to speak. "Ravenwind! Ravenwind!" He called out. The other medicine cats joined in.
Ravenwind fell to his knees. His tears dripped onto the slippery stones, blending into the water spritzed onto the rocks already. "I can't thank you enough," he said, body shaking with mute sobs. "I don't deserve this."
"If I've given you your name, then you deserve it," Hazelstripe meowed with a tone of finality. "Now, stand. It is time for you to share tongues with StarClan as a full medicine cat."
Ravenwind was shaking a little as he padded to lay down. How would the cats of StarClan react to him getting his full name when he's filled with such anger at himself? Surely his mother would be disappointed in him.
Ravenwind forced himself to settle down and curled into a ball. The steady crashing of the water lulled him to sleep.
When he opened his eyes, he found himself in a lush clearing.
The sun was bright and a warm breeze stirred the wispy grass. For a moment, he thought he was completely alone. He was about to resign himself to the fact StarClan was rejecting him, when an achingly familiar scent filled his nose.
Honey and lillies.
His mother.
Ravenwind's heart ached and he slowly turned around. In all her glittering glory, stood his mother, Junipershade. She looked a bit younger, with clean fur and free of any scars.
"Hello, my son," she purred.
"Mom…" His eyes were welling up again.
"Oh, oh, don't cry," Junipershade cooed. "Come here."
Ravenwind ran forward and buried his face into her chest fur. He sobbed openly, hot tears staining her perfect pelt. Her smell was a warm welcome, so familiar yet so foreign from not having smelled it in what felt like forever.
"This is for you," Junipershade whispered.
Ravenwind pulled back to see Junipershade holding coriander leaves in her teeth. Her eyes shimmered with pride.
""You have earned this," she mewed softly. She tucked the herb behind his ear and it stuck there. "This herb will show you have completed your medicine training. And it looks quite wonderful on you."
Ravenwind touched it self consciously. "Are you sure? I- I couldn't save you. You're here because of me."
Junipershade purred in amusement. "Quite the opposite. You are here because of me."
Ravenwind flicked an ear in confusion. "What?"
"Do you know what coriander represents?" Junipershade asked, refusing to clarify. Ravenwind shook his head. "It symbolizes hidden worth," she answered. "You have an abundance."
"You're- you're not mad at me?" He couldn't help the astonishment leak through.
"Oh, my little bird," Junipershade sighed. "How could I ever be mad at you?"
"This- it's- it's all my fault," Ravenwind stammered. "You shouldn't have died!"
"Raven, your job isn't to decide when cats die," Junipershade said. "It's to try and prevent it."
"I didn't prevent your death," Ravenwind pointed out. "Or your other kits."
"You prevented one," Junipershade said gently. "Songkit."
Ravenwind's shoulders sagged. "She needs you, mom."
Junipershade gave a sad smile. "Maybe so. But she's still got a big brother who saved her life and who loves her very dearly. I can't be there to love her like I did for you and your sister. So, promise me you and Duskcloud will take good care of her for me?"
Ravenwind nodded, blinking away tears. "I- we- we will," he stuttered. "I promise."
Junipershade's throat rumbled with a purr. "I know you will."
"When will I get to see you again?" Ravenwind asked hesitantly, feeling a shiver run through him.
Junipershade sighed softly, almost inaudibly. "Good-bye, Ravenwind."
Her breath warmed his fur, and his paws tingled. He felt as if he could be whisked away into the stars with her forever, twinkling as a star up in the heavens beside her.
He let out a sigh, feeling her slip away.
Ravenwind's eyes fluttered open on silvery darkness. He was curled onto the cold, flat ground beside the other medicine cats, who were beginning to stir.
The moon was past its peak. Fallowleaf was up already, hindquarters raised as he stretched. His medicine herb was behind his ear; a strawflower. Instinctively, Ravenwind touched his ear. The coriander was tucked there, safely behind his right ear.
Fallowleaf sniffed the air, pink nose twitching. "What's that smell?"
Ravenwind scented the air as well. "Oh, erm, I think it's my herb." Fallowleaf glanced at him. "It's coriander."
The ThunderClan medicine cat gave a deep purr. "It's all spicy and nutty. It's nice." He touched his own. "Mine doesn't smell like anything."
"It looks nice though," Ravenwind pointed out.
Fallowleaf shrugged. "I suppose."
"Don't be down on yourself," Milkpool said, stifling a yawn as she woke. "Your strawflower suits you perfectly."
Ravenwind felt Hazelstripe stir beside him. His mentor's whiskers twitched as he blinked his eyes open. His eyes were drawn to his mentor's own medicine herb. It was dandelion, a symbol of a strong connection to spirits.
"It's way past moonhigh," Hazelstripe noted, looking out the den. "Though communicating with StarClan usually does take longer with a new medicine cat."
Ravenwind flushed. "I- I was the second one up."
Hazelstripe let out a 'mrrow' of amusement. "For the mentors, Ravenwind."
"Oh." He felt a tad embarrassed.
Seedcloud and Pondpaw were the next ones up, followed lastly by Cloverwing and Runningpaw. Once everyone was fully awake, they made their way outside into the moonlight. The moon was beginning its descent, with the edge starting to touch the treeline.
"Um, congratulations on getting your medicine name," Runningpaw mewed as the medicine cats climbed up the ridge back towards their own territories. "It- uh- really suits you."
Ravenwind felt his heart flutter. "You think?"
"Oh, definitely," Runningpaw nodded. "You've more than earned it."
Ravenwind got a sinking feeling. He could almost hear his mother's voice in his ear. "I'm starting to think maybe you're right."
It was a quiet walk back to ShadowClan. He felt Runningpaw's eyes on him as they parted ways, and though he longed to look over his shoulder, Hazelstripe was already suspicious of his attachment to the WindClan tom.
The camp was dead silent when they entered. Pinepetal was standing watch and she gave them a nod as they slipped in. Ravenwind felt Hazelstripe had something to share with him, given the look in his eyes the whole trip back.
"Did you want to talk to me about something?" Ravenwind asked in a low voice.
"Yes, I-" Hazelstripe cut himself off to sigh. "I think of you like a son, you know?"
The comment threw Ravenwind a bit off guard, but he nodded. "Y- yeah. I do."
Hazelstripe sat down heavily, like he was weighed down by some invisible pressure. "It pains me to see you hurting so. I wish I could offer you some advice, anything, to make you feel better."
Ravenwind felt his heart tug. It was a conversation long overdue. They had both been putting it off. As much as I don't want to hear this… I need to get it over with.
"But there's nothing I can say to comfort you."
Ravenwind blinked. That's… not what I expected. He had thought Hazelstripe was going to say 'buck up', 'she's in a better place', 'look on the bright side', or something along those lines. But he didn't.
"No one can comfort you, Ravenwind," Hazelstripe said. His voice was a sternness he had not heard before. It was different than when he would get scolded for his bad attitude. This was tender, and well meaning. "Nothing anyone says is going to change the way you feel. It can never get better."
Ravenwind's throat grew raw. "Are you going somewhere with this?"
"Yes," Hazelstripe meowed. "You're never going to miss her less. It won't hurt less. You might think of it less, sure, but it never fully goes away. And no matter how much you want to feel happy again, you can't just decide that. You're going to feel like dirt. And that's okay."
He saw his mentor in a new light. Almost fatherly, in the way his own emotionally distant father could never be. Ravenwind had to blink more than he needed to keep himself from crying. StarClan, why am I so sensitive now?
"I know what you're feeling is complicated," Hazelstripe said firmly, but still gentle. "And no, I don't quite understand. But grief is grief, and I don't want to see it consume you. Junipershade is not gone. She never was. She's alive, in you. In Duskcloud. In Songkit. And in all the lives she's touched. She lives on, in memory and in story."
Ravenwind let out a choked sigh he didn't realize he was holding. "Thank you." His voice was soft, afraid if he spoke too loud his voice would crack.
Hazelstripe looked relieved. "I've been thinking about the best way to reach you. You heal at your own pace, alright? But not at the expense of yourself."
"I- I'll try," he said.
"That's all I could ask," Hazelstripe meowed. "Are you going to sleep now? We still have some time before dawn."
Ravenwind thought for a moment, then shook his head. "No, I… I think I'll go see Songkit."
Hazelstripe dipped his head, and Ravenwind slunk out of the medicine den. In the shadows, he ducked under the thick branches and thistles that surrounded the nursery and down into the hollow.
He was surprised to see Sunfall awake with half-lidded eyes. She looked exhausted. Stormkit and Fennelkit were curled into each other in a nest a few mouse-lengths away, but Songkit was awake, though admittedly drifting.
Her kitten-blue eyes snapped open when she saw her brother. "Ravenpaw!" She gasped, elated.
"What are you doing up!" Ravenwind exclaimed. He turned to Sunfall. "Why isn't she asleep?"
Sunfall let out a tired chuckle. "I tried to get her to bed, but she refused. She insisted she stay up until you got back from the Moonfall."
Ravenwind sat down next to his little sister. Her ears had started to unfold, and her eyes were blue and round. Sunfall still had yet to let her out of the nursery, given she stumbled when she walked with wobbly kitten legs.
"You're quite stubborn, aren't you?" Ravenwind asked.
Songkit fought back a yawn. "I wanted to see you, Ravenpaw."
"Actually, it's Ravenwind," he said. "Hazelstripe gave me my full name."
"Cool!" Songkit gasped. Sunfall whispered her congratulations as well.
"Will you go to sleep now?" Ravenwind asked. "Kits need their rest."
"Stay with me?" Songkit asked. Her eyes were pleading.
Ravenwind succumbed easily. "Alright, settle in." Songkit eagerly nuzzled herself into his belly fur and looked up at him expectantly.
"I'm going to tell you a story about your mother, Junipershade. She was strong, brave, and gentle, and she loved you very much…."
A/N
I finished this at exactly 1:14 AM last night. I'm exhausted. jfc.
I am glad I got to write this chapter since I've had to restrain myself from spoiling his full name. Only Runningpaw to go now lol.