I laid on the bed with headphones for a few minutes, letting the classical music and the rumbling of Casper's purring fill my soul. Closing my eyes I breathed deeply, letting the day play through my mind, acknowledging the moments and then filing them away, one at a time, until I was left with the comfortable glow of friendship around the table, Steve's support, Natasha choosing to make contact with me.
Instinct told me ten minutes had passed, so I rose slowly and changed into a fresh top. Leaving my sweater on the bed, I washed my face and tied back my hair. Ready. I grabbed my bag and walked down the hall to the gym where Steve was warming up on the punching bags already, Nat was using one of the many machines, looking as inconspicuous as possible and Sam was just sitting on a weight bench facing the ring, waiting and watching.
I grabbed a mat and rolled it out. Sitting down I methodically pulled off my shoes, stuffing my socks inside them and placing them next to my bag. I pulled the headphones back over my ears.
"Feel free to share," Sam mimicked pulling off head phones. I shrugged and did, switching the music to the overhead speakers. Bach floated overhead and I smiled at Sam's reaction.
"Hey, you asked for it." I went into a gentle set of stretches, testing each limb for range of motion and strength. Noticing the lingering ache in my left shin from last weeks' duel, I made a note to avoid planting that heel. When I was satisfied, I rolled to my feet and stepped lightly to the bag next to Steve and began my usual set of hits, fists fast but light as a feather, barely dimpling the bag. Meanwhile Steve switched from full punches to the two finger taps I had taught him in our first session.
"What's that you're doing?" Sam walked up scrutinizing our motions.
"He is learning how not to accidentally kill me." I said dryly. "I am training for endurance and speed." He was unconvinced, "it's harder than it looks. Try it yourself." I gestured to Steve, who was using all his skill and speed to land hits, pulling back at the last moment so his fingers just tapped the bag, sweat glistened on his temples.
I stepped back from my bag and gestured Sam forward. I walked him through the method and Steve offered a few corrections to his form. Once I was satisfied that he understood the assignment I stepped to the opposite side of Steve's bag and joined him in a closely choreographed series of taps and slaps.
"Ready?" The nerves I'd had about being watched melted away as I focused in on the music and the mat beneath my feet.
Steve stepped onto the mat. "First to 5 again?"
"If you think you're old enough to take it." I grinned. We exchanged slight bows, circling.
"Let's go!"
This time he made the first move, lunging at the leg nearest him. I leapt lightly out of his reach, and twirling, landed a finger on his back.
"One." Sam's voice was jubilant and I briefly noticed Natasha was no longer pretending to lift weights.
Steve spun on his heel and tapped my left arm. One-one. I stepped back, with a practiced awareness of the boundary lines. My next attempt went wide. Steve stepped out of range.
The exchange continued, taps and misses, two-three. I retied the match and noticed Nat watching us closely, Bruce had joined her sometime in the last minute.
I breathed slowly, willing my heart to stop pounding. I focused on the feeling of my feet contacting the floor - over the sensation of my lungs aching.
The next hit was brutal, blue behind my eyelids. Steve got me on the shin with a full hand. I landed hard, taking a moment. Rolling onto my feet cautious. Steve paused, noticed I was favoring my left leg. "We can stop." His voice was a little concerned and I motioned him back.
"And let you win be default? Not happening Cap, 'I could do this all day'" I bared my teeth. "Jarvis, play the third song on the Hockey playlist."
"Certainly." Came the now familiar, automated voice.
I stepped into a careful stance as the song started.
("Remember the name" Fort minor – clean edit.)
Circling-
(lyrics)
10% luck
20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
I leapt forward tapping Steve's wrist and ducked back. Watching his eyes, using sense to anticipate his next move.
He feinted left and lunged right, I dove under the arm and rolled out of the fall, spinning.
5% pleasure
50% pain
And 100% reason to remember the name.
As he turned to face me again, I smacked the back of his arm.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Sam crowed from the sidelines as Steve shook my hand.
"Nicely done." He congratulated me. "How bad is it?" He pointed at my leg.
"I don't know yet, too much adrenaline." I said shakily.
"I see what Steve meant. Your style is a little… unorthodox, but still… very promising! I'd love to show you a few pointers." Nat was grinning, but Bruce's face showed his discomfort and I shook my head, silently pleading with him not to bring it up.
Having Jarvis analyze my last few sessions with Steve, Tony and Bruce had discovered that I was experiencing a lot more pain than I'd admitted to. Apparently, you can't hide from a super computer. I had sworn them to secrecy –bribing Tony with allowing him to address me with whatever nicknames he wanted- I hated the pity, and I hated more how people treated me when they realized how much pain I was usually in. I knew Steve would refuse to spar with me if he knew how easily he could hurt me. And the sessions were good for me. I was picking up new skills, and dusting off the tricks Frank had taught me all those years ago.
"I'll be fine. Besides it was worth it to win." I focused each step, not giving in to the instinctual limp.
"Pool?" Steve asked.
"Yes please." I stepped slowly back to grab my bag before heading to the elevator.
"I'm in"
The others went to get swimsuits and Bruce, Steve and I rode down. I took my time changing as I realized just how bad my leg was. Listening to the others chatting in the pool before I opened the door. Pausing, nervous to step-out, knowing I couldn't hide it anymore.
"What The Heck?" That was Sam. I closed my eyes and breathed, willing my next steps not to falter.
"Why didn't you say something. We shouldn't have- I should have stopped the fight." Steve's voice was filled with self-reproach. Nat didn't speak at first and opening my eyes, I saw her inspecting the mark on my shin.
"That's not all new, there's an older bruise under the purple."
I knew she was right, stepping to the edge of the pool and lowering my legs into cool water, hoping it would mask some of the colour. A deep purple radiating from a point of fresh swelling, making a Venn-diagram with the green/yellow bruise stretching to the outside of my leg. All four converged on me, and I shrunk under the weight of their combined scrutiny.
"I told you to be careful." Bruce coming from a chair on the side had reached me first.
I flinched at the reprimand in his tone. Nat and Steve looked at Bruce, quickly picking up the subtext under the words.
"Why? What do you know?" Steve was insistent.
Bruce met my gaze and I nodded, resigned. "Shay has a neurological sensitization condition. Her body processes stimuli abnormally."
"English?" Steve's concern was building and I tried to express *calm* to the group but it didn't change his expression.
I broke the silence. "I have a heightened pain response. Some things that shouldn't hurt, do. And painful sensations are… enhanced."
Steve's gaze snapped to me. "Show me." he placed his hand very lightly over the bruised area, waiting. I let about 20% of the pain through the contact. Steve shook his head. "All of it."
I met his eyes and understood that he needed to know. I only hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship. Eyes still locked, I slowly opened the floodgates, watching his expression change. Steve dropped the eye contact and pulled his leg off the pool floor, clutching it in pain. I immediately severed the connection.
"How much was that?" Steve's tone was flat as he withdrew his hand. My stomach dropped. Not Steve too.
"Maybe 85, 90%." I responded in barely more than a whisper closing my eyes. Not wanting to watch the fall-out.
A hand landed gently on my right knee and I bit back a whimper. Opening my eyes, I saw Steve looking at me, Nat was reaching to put a hand on my left arm. Sam was close behind, not hesitating to reach for my right. I let out a gasping breath as Bruce put a light hand on my shoulder. Warmth flooded through the contact as I realized what they were showing me. They were not afraid. None of them. Not afraid of my touch, not afraid to share my pain.
Nat spoke then. "Show us." Bruce tensed up.
"Maybe better that you don't, Bruce. You don't have to prove anything." I spoke gently, *reassurance* flooding through his contact with me. He stepped back then, and nodding, left. The others stayed in place. "Are you sure?" Three sets of eyes met mine. Nat- ready, Steve- knowing, Sam- expectant. "I'll dial it up slow, if you want it to stop just break contact anytime and it'll stop." Faces set, they nodded. I let the pain flow smoothly through the contact, feeling Sam's hand contract on my arm as we got a little over halfway. He didn't let go. I hadn't expected them to maintain contact when it reached its peak, but they did, bracing against the pain.
"That's everything." Suddenly I noticed my own pain level dropping slightly, and startled I broke the connection.
"That was weird." I said casually. The boys let go, but Steve stayed within reach.
"What was weird?" Nat's voice was strangely husky, a side effect of the pain. Sam was flexing his leg, extending, contracting.
"When the connection was complete, it was… my pain- the level dropped. I'll have to let Jarvis know; he can add it to the workup."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I watched Steve go from accusation to realization. "When- your collarbone… that wasn't… you didn't share all of it, did you?"
"No, I didn't, I'm sorry I kept it from you. I just loath being treated like I'm fragile." I offered an apologetic expression to his sad blue eyes.
"No one who can walk around like its no big deal with that-" Sam pointed at my swollen shin, "going on, is hardly fragile." Nat nodded and squeezed my hand gently.
"I just… I really enjoyed our fights. I thought you would treat me differently, if you knew." My tone was pleading, and Steve finally relented giving me a small smile.
"You're probably right. But next time, you have to tell me when its bad." Steve was resolved. I was just happy he was considering continuing our sessions at all.
"Deal." We shook on it and the intense atmosphere evaporated as Sam doused us all with a huge splash of water. I jumped into the pool and joined Nat in teaming up against the boys, water filled the air, I showed Nat how I made waves that acted like a shield against the tirade of water kicked into the air. We worked in tandem, dousing both men in wave after wave of water until they raised their hands in mock surrender. Laughing I kicked away and swam for the edge of the pool nearest the hot tub. Nat joined me in a comfortable silence.
Finally, Nat spoke. "How much do you know?" I understood what she was really asking.
"Not a lot, I read some of the leaked files on all of you." I gestured at the others. "But we all know that there's more to every story than you can find on the internet." I paused to consider. "What I actually know about you boils down to this: you're an Avenger, Steve trusts you with his life. And like every hero I've met so far… You are more human than the media thinks." Nat smiled. "I'm sure you've done your homework on me too?" I enquired.
"I read the transcript of your interview, but, we all know there's more to every story." She watched my face, "You've known Steve, Tony and Bruce for less than a month and already they care about you." I flushed a little. "And you care about them. You're good at hiding pain, but your equally good at sharing your feelings." Nat's brow furrowed, and I barely caught the soft spoken words. "Can you teach me?" Restraining my surprise, I listened as Nat explained how when they had all been connected to me, had shared my pain, that she had felt open, exposed, vulnerable. It had scared her, and yet… She had felt a kind of freedom.
I reached out my hand, letting it rest on the ledge between us, and she reached for it. It was a simple contact, just friends holding hands, still I could tell how tense she was.
"Relax*." I spoke the word and sent the sense through the link. "Don't stress if it's difficult at first. Let's start with something simple, I'll open the channel and you just talk me through your sensations." I gave her fingers a light squeeze. "What does the water feel like?"
I felt nothing at first, as she described in halting terms how the water was warm, soothing, the jets the cool air on her face. I kept my face soft and neutral, knowing how strange this must be for her.
"Ok, now try an emotion you've had recently." I lifted myself out of the hot tub, legs dangling in the water, hands still connected. I could tell Nat was less comfortable with this idea so I decided to demonstrate. "I was devastated after Steve made me share the pain. I expected him… I expected you all to- to want me gone." I allowed the feelings of that moment to rise within me and allowed it to overflow into our joined hands. Nat gasped, her eyes searching mine and laid her other hand over her heart. I severed the flow and let the sting fade out of my own heartbreak. I spoke softly. "Your turn, Natasha."
Quietly she described the day a mentor had faked his death; she had thought he was gone. Really gone. As she described the pain of that moment, I felt it surge. Tears pricked at my eyes and I squeezed her hand. "I am very sorry for the pain you experienced." I felt her try to pull her hand away, knew she was scared to share this, so I let her. "You don't have to carry that alone." I offered her the hand she had dropped.
Red eyes searched mine for the slightest hint of resistance, for condemnation. Not finding it she clasped my hand again and I felt the surge of pain increase. "Can I help?" a tight nod. "I can't take it away. I won't. Grief can't be avoided." She registered my expression, believed it. I nodded and allowed more of her pain through, sending back the sense of *a warm hug, a comforting presence, a true friend* When I felt her relax, I released her hand, gently. "I'll give you some time, just know: If you ever want to talk, I'm here." I patted her hand before stepping out of the steaming water to do some floating. The guys had vacated the pool in the time we'd been in the hot tub, I assumed they had gone up. I floated there for a few minutes before I noticed Nat standing at the side of the pool, waiting. I kicked gently, leaving the barest of ripples on the surface, aiming for a spot near her feet. I pushed my feet to the floor and faced her.
"It's movie night, you want to join?" Nat's face was smiling, relaxed, even with the remnants of red in her eyes.
"I'd love to!"
Pie, ice-cream, and popcorn. Watching the guys elbow each other, laughing as Tony launched himself into his favorite chair, Natasha and Casper curled up beside me. It was a lovely evening; this place was feeling more and more like home. All these people I cared about, that cared about me, becoming a kind of family. Every time I left was more difficult, even Casper didn't want to go home. I spent the night in 'my' room, contemplating my apartment, my life.