Hello everyone! Here is the longer chapter as promised. However, I must add a quick trigger warning. This chapter contains mention of suicide. I hope you enjoy, regardless. Just know this story does take a happier turn in the future. Please leave a review! And thank you all for reading.

Chapter Four

A few days passed. Most of the Normandy's systems were back online again, thanks to Tali and EDI. We were still flying. 48 hours out from the Relay.

I had found a quiet spot down in the shuttle bay, away from the chaos and constant reports and questions from the crew. I was definitely not used to commanding a war ship on my own. I swear Tali has a location beacon planted somewhere on me.

In a quiet corner of the shuttle bay, I could hear only the sounds of James' punching bag bounce rhythmically as Cortez worked on repairing the shuttle. It could fly, but not well.

My sniper rifle sat on the floor in front of me, disassembled, next to an empty bottle. I methodically cleaned each piece, enjoying the quiet.

The elevator opened. I heard footsteps approaching James who was just on the other side of a crate from me.

"Have you seen Garrus?" I heard Tali ask. "It's important."

Cortez spoke up. From where he was, he could see me. "Back there." He threw a thumb in my direction. I thought about breaking it as I swore under my breath in my native language.

Tali rounded the corner and her eyes landed on the empty bottle next to me. "Keelah… Garrus. Drinking again?"

I quickly reassembled my gun and holstered it on my back. "What do you need, Tali?"

"Joker just needs to speak to you. Something about how best to dock on the Relay when we get there." He has two whole days to figure this out, why right now?

I nodded and headed up. When I was done, I headed back to the main battery. The room was much less painful to be in when I was buzzed.

On the way, I heard Tali's voice from Liara's office.

"... very worried about him." I was curious so I stopped to listen.

"I am, too. What happened?"

"I caught him hiding behind a crate in the shuttle bay drunk, cleaning his rifle." Does she think I'm going to hurt myself or something? Don't they realize that drinking is the only way to cope with the grief of losing her and the stress of being thrust into my position?

"Yes. That is very concerning… Why don't you go check on him. Maybe he will open up to you. I'll go tell EDI to alert one of us if she senses he has his weapon out."

They were on their way out of her office so I hurried to the main battery. Tali didn't walk in until several minutes later. She must have been preparing herself for accusing me of suicidal thoughts.

I heard when the door opened. The air in the room quickly grew tense. I kept working at the terminal.

"Garrus… Can we talk?" Her voice was soft, calm.

"Sure. What about?" I didn't want to let her know that I had been listening in.

"Shepard." Hearing her name cut through me in a way that I did not understand. I wanted to reach for some hard liquor. "I… Keelah, this is hard. I miss her so much, Garrus." Tali started to choke up. I wasn't expecting this.

I sighed. "I do, too." I couldn't stay mad at her when she was hurting just as bad as I was. I promised myself then that no matter what she said to me or accused me of, I would not raise my voice at her.

"Garrus, do you really think it's possible she survived that? That blast was huge."

"Yes… No…" I sighed. "I don't know. I honestly don't know." The feeling that she was watching over me was still bitterly absent. But the blast and my subsequent grief won't stop playing over and over in my head. The two feelings were very conflicting.

"I like to believe she could be, too, but I can't afford to get my hopes up."

I turned to look at her. She had to know I was being honest with her. "I can't afford not to… The possibility gives me hope, it drives me to do what I have to for the rest of you. After this you all have a life to go back to. I don't. Shepard was my life."

"You can find love again, Garrus. This isn't the end of your life."

"I don't think so, Tali. My only plans for after the war were her. You have Rannoch, Liara is the Shadow Broker. James and Cortez will always be military men."

"Javik? Joker and EDI?" she countered.

"Javik has his own brothers and sisters to say goodbye to and Joker and EDI have each other now. I may never get that back. Sure, I could find my way back to Palaven and retire, find a nice Turian to settle down with, but it wouldn't be the same."

"You never know. Don't count yourself out yet."

"I know my place after this war. So does everyone else, especially Javik. My place is with Shepard."

"You don't know what you're saying… Plans change and yours can too."

"No." I could see the question on her face. "I would be living a lie."

"When this is over, come with me… to Rannoch." That was quite the offer. I imagined being the lone Turian on a planet of Quarians. I would never fit in.

"Why? So you can keep an eye on me?" I regretted my tone as soon as I saw her flinch. I had to watch myself or I'll break my own promise and hurt her.

"No. Because you're my friend and I care about you."

"Is that all this is about?" I was coming dangerously close to breaking my promise from earlier, but she took it a different way.

"Garrus… I didn't mean… I don't like you in that way. And I wasn't suggesting that." She turned to leave. "Just please, consider my offer." She walked out of the main battery and I stared at the terminal, unable to continue my work.