Once again, I need to start this chapter off with a trigger warning. This chapter also contains mention of suicide and it is more intense than the last. I hope you enjoy and leave a review!

Chapter Five

It has been two days. We were still another day out from the Relay. We had hit an unexpected asteroid belt. Tali had managed to get EDI fully incorporated into the ship once again. Every day, I worry. If Shepard had survived, there is no doubt she would need medical attention within minutes, maybe hours, if we were very lucky.

Every passing hour, I know her chances of survival go further and further past zero. The thought is driving me insane. But I know I have to stay strong. The crew, for some unknown reason, chose me as their leader. I need to step up. If she can see me, wherever she is, I need to make her proud. The pressure was nearly unbearable.

Or you could join her, a dark corner of my mind whispered. I am not proud to admit, a spark of hope flared up in my chest at the thought of seeing her again. I needed her, like I needed air to breathe.

I sat at the desk in the Commander's quarters, looking over statistical reports from EDI when that thought struck. My pistol was still on my right hip. I spent a majority of my time in her quarters now that I was the Commander - temporary Commander, I reminded myself. Suddenly, it felt like it weighed a hundred pounds against my hip.

Oh, what was the point? There is no way she has survived this long, if she even survived at all. Watching the blast replay in my mind over and over again, my head fell into my hands and I sobbed.

I don't know how long I wept and sobbed at her desk, but eventually, I managed to stand. I moved to the bed, her bed… our bed. The bed we had shared together those weeks ago, when she became my bondmate. I sat on the foot of the bed. I hadn't had the nerve, or the alcohol required to sleep in her bed. It smelled too much of her, still. Normally, I would sleep on the couch or pass out drunk at the desk or in the lounge.

I placed my hand on the handle of the pistol on my hip. I lifted it and rested it in my hands, on my lap. I examined the weapon. For as heavy as it had been before, it felt light in my hands now. I'd had it for a while now. I'm not sure I could remember how long but definitely before this whole mess began.

That was when the door opened and a rush of three sets of footsteps rushed in. I glanced up to see Tali, Liara and Dr. Chakwas.

"Garrus," Tali sounded surprised, "What are you doing?" I could tell through her mask that she glanced at the weapon in my hand.

I did not know how to respond.

It was silent until Liara spoke, "Garrus, please talk to us. We know you are hurting. We are too-"

I cut her off. "Are you? Are you really?"

"Of course, Garrus," Tali said. "We miss her so much."

"Why are you even here? I'm fine." Even I noticed how dark my voice was.

"I brought them, Garrus," Dr. Chakwas said, "EDI told me she was worried about you when she noticed you had your weapon out."

"So you all think I'm… what? Suicidal?" I looked down at the gun in my lap and muttered, "Yeah, I guess I can see why you all would think that."

Tali stepped forward, down the two little steps then two more. I could see in Liara's eyes that she was scared of what might happen if Tali stepped closer.

"Garrus?" I averted Tali's gaze. "Garrus, please, look at me." I did. I could see her wince at the pain in my eyes. "Are you suicidal?"

My eyes did not waver from hers. "Yeah. I guess I am."

She was trapped by my gaze. "Why?"

"The longer we are stuck here, the longer she lays dead in a crater. I deserve to be with her. I'm the one who left her there."

"We are doing everything we can to get to her as fast as we can," Liara said as she stepped up next to Tali.

"I know, and it isn't fast enough." I stared at the weapon in my hands. I cried and sobbed for the first time in front of anyone. The gun clattered to the floor at my feet and the next thing I knew, I felt the bed dip beside me and Tali wrapped her arms around my shaking shoulders.

She held me for several minutes until I stopped shaking. "I don't want to die," I whispered to her when I looked up and saw the others had gone. "I want to make it to Earth. I want to save her… or at the very least bury her, then move on."

"We will get you there, Garrus. I promise," she whispered back to me. In those simple words, I found infinite comfort.