I'm cold.
I'm so very very cold.
No matter what I do, I can't escape its grasp. It feels like a thousand frozen corpses are tugging at me, pulling me deeper and deeper into a blinding blizzard of white. I can fight it, I try so hard, but I've been losing my vision, losing my sight to nothing but pale and the roar of a frigid wind.
What's happening to me…?
Did Kris…? Did Kris do this to me…?
Even now that I've gotten away from them, even now as I stay in the room the Queen designed for me, I can't… I can't feel. I wrap myself up in the blankets of my bed, I rub my arms, I grab myself tightly, so tightly it should hurt, but I'm still cold.
I suppose I'd be lying if I said I couldn't feel. I still feel cold, and I still feel pain. On my finger. Where Kris gave me that strange ring. It feels just like ice, the skin around it frostbitten and numb, but it continues to tighten its grip, prick its cold needles into my skin.
I… I want to take it off!
But, whenever my hand reaches for it, I have second thoughts. Loud thoughts.
Don't.
What in the world am I thinking? Why wouldn't I just take it off? Why did I put it on in the first place?
In my skull whirls a screaming blizzard, and when I look into it, I see nothing but white and howling. Somehow, but somehow, if I strain my ears, if I look directly into the white, I can hear something.
Get stronger…
And I look away! I look at something else. I look at the wonderful room the Queen has given me, and I think how lucky I am. Maybe she is not so bad at all! Maybe she isn't so bad! Compared to… Compared to…
…get stronger…
It won't get out of my head! It's there, it's always there, murmuring deep in the blizzard, and I… I feel it! I feel it tugging me, I feel it trying to pull me in! And and… the worst part is… I don't know if I want to resist it?
Why…? It terrifies me!
I'm scared! I'm so scared of it! I've never felt this frightened in my life! I just want to go home! But why? Why do I want to submit to it as well?
…Noelle…
And I… I can still hear Kris calling to me. I don't understand. When I stood next to them and they said my name, I was sure it was just Kris being Kris. They called out to me so much and so often, they were depending on me!
Noelle.
It felt so good at first. The ice trickling down my fingertips. Freezing our foes in their tracks. I could feel something welling up inside me, I felt that wonderful chill inside my soul grow and grow. Like a cold oasis in a hot desert, I slowly eradicated that dreadful heat and felt the cool touch of ice against my forehead.
And then…
…Noelle…
And then it became too cold. The desert shrieked and struggled against me like a living thing. I don't like to hurt living things. I never have. But but… Kris… they told me to keep freezing. Keep spreading. I thought it was normal. I thought they were just having fun with me and I was ruining it if I went against them. I didn't want to say how much it bothered me; I didn't want to let them down.
Then suddenly… they told me to put on the ring. That awful ring. I couldn't… I didn't want to! I tried to say I didn't want to! They didn't even force me. It was my own hand that put that ring on my finger. It was like I wanted to dive headfirst into a frozen lake and trap myself under the ice.
It still feels like that.
"Noelle!"
Please, stop it! Stop it! Go away! Go away, go away, go away! I don't want it anymore! Even when I close my eyes, even when I cover my ears, I can't escape you! Please, please, please, go away!
"…What the hell's the matter with you…?"
That—that voice! It wasn't—it wasn't Kris! Maybe it was never Kris?!
"…Susie?" I call out into the storm; my voice eaten away by the howls.
"I've been tryin' to get your attention for damn nearly a minute now!" She growls through gritted fangs.
I can barely see her. I can barely hear her. I don't know if she's real or if its my imagination. Which voice is really there?
"What are you… doing here?" I ask. It's all so hard to understand. Why would she be here in the blizzard?
Something icy tugs at my throat again. …Iceshock…
Iceshock Susie?! Why would I think that?
No. She is useful.
What? I would never hurt Susie because I like her! I…
"Noelle!" Susie calls out to me from the storm. "Didn't you hear me? I said I'm saving you!"
"Saving… me?" I feel myself mutter. I'm so sleepy. I must… I must be embarrassing myself in front of Susie! I can't fall asleep. I can't fall asleep in the cold. I can't.
"Come on! There's no time to waste! The Ferris wheel is here!" Susie grunts. I think she takes my arm and pulls on it. I'm not sure. I can't feel it. It's so cold. Even her fiery grip… I can't feel it.
I think I sat down. I think Susie is just across from me. She's so close, but I can't see her. The ice, the white, it's so thick…
"Am I dreaming…?" I manage to say. It was so hard, so very hard to speak. My head, my body, it was so heavy.
"Uh… yeah!" Susie says in the distance. "Yeah, this is all just a dream!"
"Just a nightmare…" I say with some relief. "It's just a nightmare… it will be over soon."
"Nightmare…? What did the Queen do to you, Noelle?"
The Queen…? Oh, I hardly remember her. No, she was very good to me. So very good. The Queen…
"Noelle? I asked you a question. Did she hurt you?"
Huh? Didn't I say that out loud? "The Queen… she…" It was so hard to speak. So heavy. So tiring.
"Noelle, this is kind of freaking me out, all right?" Susie said. "You didn't finish your thought."
I'm embarrassing myself again.
"The Queen has treated me so very well, Susie. She is wonderful, actually. Truly. I mean it." I even manage to smile! Even though my lips were turning blue, even though the ice cracked into my skin at the motion. I don't want to embarrass myself.
"That's, uh, that's reassuring I guess, but are you sure…?"
The Queen, no… I don't…
…
Berdly…
…
Berdly! What happened to him?! In all my drowsiness, I—I forgot! I…
"Susie? You look scared. Is something wrong? Talk to me."
Is Berdly okay?! Did you find him?!
"I—hey—I can't hear you. Your mouth is moving but nothing is coming out."
It was crushing me; it was suffocating me! I scream, I scream and thrash as loud as I could.
"Have you seen Berdly? Where is Berdly?!"
"Whoa, hey, chill, Noelle! I haven't seen him, but I'm sure he's fine."
No, no, no, no. That didn't happen did it? I didn't… I didn't… I couldn't have…! He was just… this was all just a video game wasn't it? And Berdly, he was pretending to be our rival! But then…
Then Kris said…
Then I said…
"Noelle! Listen to me, I'm, uh… I'm right here, okay?" Susie seemed closer now. I think she was sitting beside me, but still, in this snow, I couldn't see her. "I'm—look—I'm not really any good at this, but I'm here, okay?"
I choked on something. I don't know what. I want to cry. I want to cry. I don't care if Susie is here to see me cry. I don't care if I'm ruining the mood again, I don't care anymore! I want to cry!
Please, let me cry…
I reach out to her in the ice. My limbs feel like they're under frigid waters.
"W-whoa, h-hey, N-Noelle…! I, uh…" Susie stutters in the storm.
Is she cold, too? Is she as cold as me? I want to feel her, I want to feel something, anything. If I hold onto her, even if I can't see her, even if I can't feel her, she won't let the storm take me, will she?
After all, it's just a nightmare…
"What happened to you, Noelle?" Susie asks. Whatever toughness, whatever acid she held in her fangs, they had vanished. "You're so cold…"
I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. It felt so natural. So normal. Then something took over. I took over. But that's just me? I'm the one controlling myself.
That's why I think I love Susie. Maybe that is too much too early? Maybe that is embarrassing. But right now, I don't care. I don't care.
I love Susie because she would never allow herself to be controlled like I am. She's supposed to be scary, but I would never be afraid of her. Her huge fangs, her snout huffing with hot moist air, her sharp claws made for tearing… How could I be afraid of that?
When… when…
When there was something much scarier out there in the snowstorm. When Kris or… whoever that was is so terrifying.
"Noelle! I… I'm sorry, I don't know what to say! I don't, uh, I don't know what to do!"
Just, please. Take me in your arms. Hold me. Don't let me go. Don't let the storm drag me under. Just keep holding onto me. You're strong enough. I know you won't let me go. I know. I know.
Somehow… in all the screaming, in all the howling, in all the white… I think I see a glimpse of purple.
"Your tail…" I manage to say. I can smile. I can smile and it doesn't hurt. For a moment, I'm not so cold. For a moment, I feel her against me. I press my head into her chest. She practically screams. It's so funny. For a moment I can laugh. I think I can laugh.
"I—What the hell?! I don't have a tail! You're—you're out of your mind!"
Susie… Susie… Please keep me here…
"I'm… Sheesh…" I think she finally accepts it. I think she puts her huge hand on my head. I can almost feel her claws in my hair, at my horns. "You're just really tired, aren't you?"
"I'm so… tired…" I manage to sigh out. But who gets exhausted in a dream?
"It's all right," she says quietly. "I know this is gonna seem stupid, but I'll take you back to your room, okay?"
What? No. No. No, she can't leave me.
"Just for a little while! I'll let you get some rest, and we'll deal with the Queen and then Kris and Ralsei and I'll come back for you! Promise!"
No, please. The Queen isn't the problem here. Can't you hear me? Susie? Can't you hear me? It's not the Queen. It's NOT THE QUEEN.
"Is that okay, Noelle?" Susie asks. She can't hear me.
NO! IT'S NOT OKAY! DON'T LEAVE ME!
Tell her it's okay.
PLEASE, SUSIE, DON'T LEAVE ME! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? CAN'T YOU SEE ME?! I WON'T SAY IT! I WON'T SAY IT!
That's okay.
"That's okay…" I breathe out.
No. No, no, no, no, NO! I didn't say that! I didn't say that!
"Phew. That's good," Susie says with a sheepish laugh.
And it's suddenly overwhelming. It's flooding me. Everything is back. The storm is back. The freezing water is back. It's in my throat, it's in my lungs, and it's so cold! It's freezing! It hurts! I'm shivering. Can't she feel me shivering? I'm so scared.
It's stronger than it's ever been! It's pulling me. I feel it pulling me! Susie? Susie, where are you? Susie, please, come back! Susie! I can't feel her. I can't see her. I can't hear her! I can't see anything!
Where did she go? Where did I go?
Just sleep.
It would be easier if I slept. It would be easier to give in. To stop fighting it. Susie said I needed to rest. Maybe if I sleep… maybe if I sleep, I'll wake up and she'll be there. Maybe she'll save me…
I let the cold take me. The ice. The water. I fell through and let my body drift. It's so cold, and it hurts so much, but I feel numb… I feel numb…
…Noelle…
It's calling me. It's calling me isn't it? I feel the hands grabbing at me. I know they are taking me towards it. It's better this way. It's better to stop struggling against myself. I will just drift away into the storm, drift through the currents of a dark frigid ocean where there is only white.
I'll just drift away…
…
…
…