Bodhan woke Hawke up that morning with a light breakfast and a leaf from the shopping list Anders had given her. The day before, the disturbingly alive Carver had visited. Apparently he had decided to bring her basket of herbs to the estate. She caught a glimpse of him as he did while she hid in the library, shook his head, and left.
After she was dressed and ready to go, she shoved the troublesome leaf in her mouth and made her way down to the Alienage. Her quick knock was answered by Merrill, who gently smiled and welcomed her inside.
"Make yourself at home," Merrill said, "I've already heated the water. Which blend did you bring?"
Hawke took note of where Merrill's staff rested against the wall, casually stood in between the blood mage and the weapon, and answered, "I didn't."
"Oh. Well, then," Merrill's demeanor shifted, "I, ah, wasn't expecting this."
"Sit," Hawke hissed. Merrill obeyed.
"Hawke I-," Merrill insisted, "I think I know what this is about. I promise you, I'm not your enemy."
"I'll be the judge of that," Hawke countered, eyes narrowed, "You'll answer my questions honestly. Do that, and the both of us may yet live."
Merrill looked like she was about to say something, but Hawke interrupted, "Let's get straight to the point, then. Where am I and why am I here?"
"That's tricky," Merrill said, "You're in Thedas. But I think this Thedas is… well, a different version of Thedas."
"Speak clearly," Hawke snarled.
"I don't even understand it, really," Merrill said, shaking her head, "All I know is the only thing I can think of about why you're… well you and not the Hawke I know is that you're not supposed to be here. We didn't bring you here on purpose. We were just trying to close a rift in the Veil."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Hawke shot back.
"Anders and I have been working together to figure out the significance of the cave we went to - the one where you first showed up," Merrill argued, "We just started collecting information after you came here. All our notes are back at Varric's place. I can show you!"
"Right," Hawke said, clearly suspicious, "And how come you're the only one who knows that I 'don't belong'?"
Merrill answered, "I tried to tell everyone. That you're not Hawke. Not our Hawke, anyway. Nobody believed me." Her gaze shifted to the table as she added quietly, "Fenris just laughed."
"And why should I believe you?" Hawke asked.
"You don't have to," Merrill countered, "What do your memories say?"
Hawke paused at that. She slowly scanned the room, her instincts telling her that this house was about right, until her gaze locked on what was clearly a bedroom. She looked to Merrill, asking for permission with her eyes, and Merrill answered with a nod. Hawke began to cross the threshold then paused to look at the staff she was just next to. She steeled herself and walked in. On the far side, a giant mirror that nearly screamed wrong sat in a box, utterly shattered, the frame bent in ways that shouldn't be. She stood in front of it, a well of emotions swelling in her. Her hand slowly reached up and traced the edges of the frame. Merrill joined her side.
Hawke's voice was small and strained when she finally asked, "What was she like?"
"Brave. And kind," Merrill listed with a small smile, "She liked to make the scary things not-so-scary by making jokes about it." Her smile slipped away as she added, "I miss her."
Hawke's finger ran further along the frame as she asked, "Did she do this?"
Merrill answered awkwardly, "Oh, no. That was me."
Hawke's gaze snapped to Merrill. Merrill's eyes widened in response to seeing Hawke's, full of sorrow and shock and regret. Their gazes lingered for a moment before Hawke pulled away, her one hand slipping away from the mirror and falling limp to her side. She stopped in the middle of the room, eyes pointed at the wall but not really focused on it. She could almost see Merrill - her Merrill - sobbing, could almost hear her calling everyone fools.
Hawke's voice was still quiet when she finally spoke, "I shouldn't be here."
Merrill hesitated, but she slowly approached and asked, "Do you want to go visit Varric? He tells the most wonderful stories. They always make me feel better when I feel sad and alone."
"No, I," Hawke said, "I need to be alone. I'm sorry for… my behavior."
With that, she left. As her feet took her away from that place, the world passed by her in a haze. Voices shouted over and past her, as if falling somewhere else. Someone grabbed her sleeve at one point, but she just kept going, and the hand slipped away. When she realized where she was heading, her feet had already crossed the threshold into the estate. Bodhan greeted her, but she just let herself wander into the library and let herself collapse into the closest chair.
She wasn't sure how long she sat in that chair, trying to recall all the whispers of memory she'd collected so far, willing them to speak loudly, clearly. Some were easier than others. At some point, a tray of snacks had appeared near her, and she allowed herself one or two, but the delicate flavors evaporated in her mouth.
"Hawke!" Fenris burst into the room. He hurried in front of her and continued, "Bodhan came for me. Are you alright? What happened?"
She didn't respond. He got down on his knees so he could look up at her eyes, rested his hands on her knees, and insisted, "Hawke. Please, talk to me. If anyone can understand what you're going through, it's me."
Her eyes shifted to his, hers empty as his were full. She stood up and he hurried to give her room. She took a few steps and looked up at the Old God icon on the wall.
"Hawke?" he pressed, his voice thin.
"I… didn't have a name before. Mas-" her breath hitched, and she said instead, "He called me Mea."
"I had my own suite," she continued, "Slaves to clean my room for me, make sure I was bathed properly. I was fed the best, most nutritious meals his kitchen could come up with."
She reached a hand up to her neck, tracing the tarnished band with the tips of her fingers. She continued, "But I couldn't leave. Whenever I tried to walk out the door, I…" She could still feel the power striking every nerve in her body. She remembered lying on the floor, sometimes for hours until a single soul came by her chambers.
A pair of warm, dark, sinewy arms wrapped around her waist and enclosed her against a strong form as wisps of hair tickled her shoulders. Fenris' rough voice whispered against her ear in a gentle, almost pleading way, "Danarius is gone. You're safe now."
She turned around in his arms to face him and said, "No. This place, this life - it belongs to someone else. I'm not the woman you love, I'm not Hawke, I'm Me-"
"NO!" he hollered, gripping her arms tight, "Do not call yourself that. You're not his, you're not anyone's, you're Hawke!"
His grip loosened as he continued, "You told me your father died before the Blight. It was all you had left of him. You told me that was why you went by your family name. Not Marian. Not Amell. Hawke."
"I don't belong here," she insisted.
"Yes, you do," he insisted, "Danarius is dead, we killed him together."
"NO!" she slapped his hands away and back peddled.
He tried, "Hawke-"
"No!" she insisted, "Your Da-, Mas-" she made a loud groan and continued, "Yours is dead. Mine is not. We- my Fenris and I, we went to visit his sister-"
"Yes, I went to you to see my sister together in case it was a trap, and you insisted Aveline, and Varric come along," he filled.
"No, I didn't," she insisted, "We went alone! Just Fenris and I. But he was there. And he wouldn't let Fenris go."
Her voice cracked as she continued, practically seeing the scene she described, "He was bleeding all over the floor. And I wasn't fairing much better. So I offered a trade. His freedom for mine. He just laughed."
"Hawke, this," he said, his voice cracking, "What you're describing, it's not real."
"Then why?!" she shouted, "Why don't my memories line up with this place? Why do I still feel his touch on my skin?! Why am I still wearing this?!" Her hand gripped at the air just in front of her neck.
"I don't know," he hollered back, grabbing her shoulders, "But I know you belong here. By my side. I love you."
"You love her," she countered, "And if I'm here, living her life, that means she's there, living that nightmare I endured. The woman you love is in danger, Fenris. She could already be lost to you."
"What are you saying?" he demanded, voice choked.
"I have to go back," she said.
"Back to Sundermount?" he clarified.
"Back to my Thedas," she said, "And yes, that means going back to Sundermount to do it."
"Hawke-"
"Me-"
"Hawke," he said, "There is no other Thedas. There's just this."
"I'm here," she insisted.
"You're not well," he insisted, "And I will do all I can to aid you in your recovery, but I won't let you willfully make your condition worse."
"I have to do this, Fenris," she said, "There is another Thedas and I have to go back. I can't live a lie, especially not at the cost of someone else."
He pulled her into a tight hug and she didn't fight it. The angles of his armor pressed into her. Her hair and ears grew wet.
"I can't lose you," he whispered.
She returned his embrace, and he responded by kissing the side of her head.