A/N (1) Previously on Chuck versus The Journey: As we left Chuck and Sarah in the previous chapter and in the honeymoon bed, they could not have been happier. They still have a few hours left before they have to return to the dangerous world of espionage, so let's look at what they are doing right now.

Lonely road, where will you go,
Searching for something I don't know?
I screamed out, and someone listened.
I saw a light out in the distance.
I've been out here searching,
All my bridges burnin'.
Kept my heart a virgin for you.
You lit a spark, you kept me warm
When I was broken in the storm.
Oh, beating heart, don't you fade,
Do you know the life that you've saved?
I've been out here searching,
All my bridges burnin'.
Kept my heart a virgin for you.
"Discovery" (Christopher J. Baran, Kailee Morgue, Thomas Edward Percy Hull)

Chapter 32: Chuck vs. Samantha Lisa

"You gave me so much last night that I can never put it into words. … You invited me into your soul … to heal me. You became way more than a friend, you became…"

Sarah searched for a proper, impressive, poetic word and immediately raised a finger when she sensed Chuck would assist her. He understood the gesture and waited, lying on the bed, propping on his left elbow to watch her as she sat Indian-style next to him. But he caught that finger, kissed its tip, and made her falter a bit in her determination not to seek the heat of their embrace once more. Sarah pulled that finger back, and exhortatory wiggled it, though her face betrayed the gesture.

"And then we made love today, … and again, you gave me so much. You invited me into your heart. … You became way more than a lover, you became…"

Sarah was close to slipping out of the terrycloth bathrobe she wore, and pull him out of his, to show him in more than words, but she knew that would only postpone her dilemma while it would be a delay that Chuck would not refuse. But she was a fighter, long before the CIA trained her, so she fought hard with her difficulty with putting her emotions into words.

She felt ready to unleash her sexy side again, but it would be chickening out of something she really wanted to do. Sarah needed Chuck to hear a few more things than her cries of passion, and she was determined to do that. Besides, Archimedes could not have been more thrilled when discovering the Archimedes' principle than herself finding how thrilling it was to talk about her feelings to someone she trusted. She did not run naked through the streets of the city shouting 'Eureka' as the Greek was rumored to have done after he jumped out of his bath, but finally letting Chuck into the world of Sarah Walker had, among other things, included a lot of frolicking nakedness nonetheless.

But she was in dire need of an all-encompassing word. It wasn't her style to talk in length. Her language was always precise, and her wording left no room for misunderstandings, but this was no mission briefing. It was about her life and, suddenly, about their lives. She wanted to express how much he meant to her with one word, searching for it desperately like those scientists who try to supersede Einstein's Theory Of Relativity and the whole of quantum dynamics with a Theory Of Everything.

She eventually realized it was a simple word with nevertheless spectacular implications, and it came over her like an epiphany:

"… everything."

It's so simple and so life-changing at the same time.

Everything. Chuck is my everything.

"You are my everything, Chuck, and I don't have the words to tell you how wonderful that feels."

And how much it scares me. And did I just say that I love you for the second time without saying it? Did it sound the same in your ears?

Chuck stared at her and gulped. Then he swallowed again and stared some more. He felt his throat tightening, and his eyes began to burn and got damp.

"Chuck?" she asked, concerned.

This crazy little thing called love is pretty confusing. What's up with him suddenly?

"It's nothing, I mean, it's… everything. Your words deeply move me."

"But aren't my words…"

I should have taken lessons – How To Succeed As A Hard-Boiled Agent In A Relationship With A Sappy Nerd. Possibly there were evening classes on that matter.

"Tell me what's wrong! You wouldn't cry after all we shared today, would you?"

"No, I certainly won't," Chuck replied, scooched closer, laid his head in her lap, and cried a little.

For a moment, Sarah was at a loss of what to do. Once more, life and what she thought was her love life hadn't prepared her for a situation like that. Instinctively, she turned him gently, so he was facing her, pulled him close to her breast, and kissed his forehead tenderly, making soothing and humming sounds as she learned from him the night before. Then her lips began to chase the tears on his face one by one until his smile, a bit embarrassed but with all the qualities that a Bartowski smile featured, slowly ousted every other expression. When his face beamed with more megawatt than a power plant could produce, he felt poised to talk again.

"Well, I'm certainly happy that only you saw me like that. I'd never hear the end of it if Casey or Carina did," Chuck dryly commented.

"Casey can be intimidating," Sarah admitted to his surprise, "but in the end, I think he's a big papa bear. He's the deadliest man I know, but he's a Marine, and he's the epitome of it. He would get into a brawl with you or abuse you verbally at the drop of a Ka-Bar, but he will protect you with his life with no questions asked. We're his squad, and it's as easy as that for him."

Chuck squinted his eyes at her with fascination as Sarah opened up about Casey.

"I'm sure that's more that you've said about Casey than in all of the past year," he threw in with almost a question mark in his voice, but she ignored it.

"About Carina though, you should never appear tenuous in front of her. … She's like an animal that will smell any fear and hit that weak spot without mercy."

As I am, she thought. Sarah always knew that her connection to Carina had been so close because there were characteristics where they were like sisters. Like their intuition for danger or reading people.

Chuck fixed a look at her. "Are you truly friends?"

Sarah mused about it, but she wasn't committing to an open-hearted reply as she did about Casey. "In our crazy world, in a crazy way, we are. You live on the edge of death most of the time. A friend is someone you can share that experience of risking your life, and who understands our get-your-kicks-while-you-can mentality."

Chuck nodded. "She mentioned that, too, that get-your-kicks stuff."

The blue in her eyes shifted slightly. It became chillier and watchful, but it didn't get cold for him – his words had awoken the agent.

"Don't you think it's time to tell me what she told you?"

Chuck sat up next to Sarah and, facing her, took her hands.

"Do you promise not to kill her?"

Sarah laughed more merrily than she felt, showing her pearly white teeth. "Is it that bad?"

Chuck didn't say a word, which was unusual. Carina must have said things that worried him or he assumed would concern her.

"Let me remind you what happened the last time I tickled you," she warned him good-naturedly yet somehow perturbed, but he didn't say a word to that either.

"I know you didn't take a vow of silence suddenly," she urged him, blowing air through her nose, and conceded. "OK, I don't do her any physical harm - unless she provokes me. So, get it out."

Chuck sighed meekly. "I guess that's as much as I can expect. I feel extremely uncomfortable right now, Sarah."

"Let me make you more comfortable," she said and pushed him back against the bed back panel, straddling him, putting his hands on his chest in a now well-trained move and making herself cozy with the most innocent look and a few wiggles of her hips over his lap.

Chuck closed his eyes in comical despair.

If she continues like that, she won't get anything out of me but my best.

When he opened his eyes again, he almost flinched as Sarah had leaned closer. Her nose gently nudged his, and her eyes were bigger than the family pizzas they ordered for their cover evenings, and the toppings were love, mischief, and curiosity - and no olives.

Wondering if he should tell her or instead cup her face and – again! – kiss her senseless, his mouth – again! – decided for him.

"She said about the first night, that fake-love incident, that I should have taken the opportunity and should have, uhm…" – he bleeped like the TV on an offensive word – "… your brains out and that you would have loved that."

"She's right about that," Sarah confirmed, not explaining anymore, staying surprisingly calm.

It would have been the wrong moment, but knowing what I know now, I would have loved it, no doubt about that.

"But that you will never love me."

"She's wrong about that," Sarah commented without thinking. An instant later, both of their eyes locked into each other like super magnets.

What did she say? She can't say those three little words, but did she just confirm it? And if she means what I hear in that sentence…

Chuck could not finish even his thought as a whirl of possibilities of a future with Sarah opened up. Sensing that she was as surprised about her words as he was, he wisely but not altogether successfully tried to keep a happy grin from his lips and his eyes.

He heard it. I can see it in his face. I heard it too. Well, I said it. I should know what I speak. It was the natural thing to reply - I just told him that I love him for the third time! Why can't I say the words? You can't, Walker. Don't ruin it. You know why. And you can blame Carina that you slipped.

Chuck's eyes rivaled with hers for size, and their hazy color seemed to spiral out of control like his brain and his words.

Sarah slowly counted to ten as she realized that the Carina discussion turned out more complicated than she thought. One… two… three… four… five… ah, forget it! I'll get you sooner or later, Miller!

"What else?" she asked matter-of-factly, knowing that she ruined a sweet moment of recognition for him, but she had to know. Just. Had. To. Know.

Chuck looked uneasy.

"If she said something about me - give me a chance to tell my side of the story," Sarah said, which was an argument that didn't fall on deaf ears with Chuck.

"Carina talked about hitting the clubs for booze and boys and about one-night-stands, and when I said that we were friends, she said it's your job to deceive me with all means into keeping me playing along."

One.. two... aw fuck! I'm going to strangle that red-headed bitch!

"First, we are friends, aren't we?"

"You can bet your favorite knife on that!" he confirmed without a blink.

"Next, what we two do as lovers is our business and not anyone else's, right?"

"Right," he gladly agreed, slowly feeling dizzy. Since when does Sarah admit even the possibility of a relationship? Was she suddenly moving faster than he did? Isn't the handler-asset-dilemma nipping every romance in the bud?

"And what she said about-" Sarah began, now angry. She took a shaky breath, and Chuck sensed she would end the conversation as she always did when it got too close to her own life. Unexpectedly, she began again, with what seemed renewed conviction.

"I can't answer directly to what that foul-mouth said. I have to go back a little, … and it isn't easy as it has to do with my panic attack."

Sarah marshaled her thoughts and remained silent until Chuck held up a hand.

"This is no classroom," she snickered. "Feel free to prattle away as you always do."

"So that's what I do, prattle," he chuckled. "We have to set one rule before we begin," he demanded. "It's essential."

Her eyes waited for him to continue.

"This above all; to thine own self be true," he cited.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple," she retorted.

Both of their eyes beamed with delight.

"Riposte a quote with a quote? Sarah, you're so cool!"

"Why, thank you," she flirted with a long look from under her eyelashes. "But how can you quote Master Will? I thought you were a computer wiz from Burbank!"

"My sister insisted that I get a good education before I entered the nerdy side."

"But you know what I'm saying, Chuck? Do you understand what Wilde was saying? The truth isn't always easy. Truth does not split the world in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. It can be very complicated. It can hurt a lot."

He assessed how she looked at him.

She is undoubtedly trying to prepare me for something.

"Yes, it may hurt. But I never promised you a rose garden."

She shoved him gently. "Will you stop throwing quotes around. I'm trying to be serious here."

She only smiled faintly as she spoke. Chuck had led her to a defining moment in that painless way of his. She had not seen it coming how he took control of the conversation, and possibly he didn't either. His humor and kindness guided her to this point. She knew that this wasn't going to be a mission report, but she outlined the bare facts out of habit.

"I had a small panic attack the first night, and a huge one last night. You gave me strength. You saved me."

"You're the strongest person I ever met, Sarah. I don't know anyone stronger, and that includes Superman, Batman, and Caseyman. What you did in this mission, the effort to establish our cover was imposing, given that you suffer from an anxiety disorder."

"Whoah," she laughed nervously. "You're moving fast. Anxiety disorder? What will you diagnose next, Doctor Bartowski?"

"My examination is not final yet, Miss Walker, so we'll see. Do you know what triggered your panic attack this time?"

She turned her head away, her face becoming an unreadable mask, and peered intently at a random spot on the floor.

"If I can't tell you the truth, is it OK if I stay silent?" she asked the spot on the floor.

"You mean it's need-to-know?" he inquired patiently.

"Hmm-mm," she nodded, concentrating on that spot.

"If I tell you that I know, would that help you to continue? If I know already, there's no reason we can't talk about it."

She finally tore her gaze from her favorite empty spot in the room and gaped at him. "You know?"

"Sure. I can put one and one together. In decimal, in binary, in hex. For some unfortunate happenstance, the name chosen for Carina's cover – S dot L dot – is strongly attached to you. Was it a cover personality on a mission that went super-wrong?"

He watched her closely and made sure she knew that he did so. She opened her mouth to speak and shut it again. On her second attempt, she succeeded, "Yes and no."

He laughed, his eyes so full of warmth and understanding where she came from that she expected him for a moment to pull her close and kiss her.

"Sarah, though you may think that's an answer, it ain't."

She puffed. "Well, sure, you have something on your mind, and you get it off in as many words as possible and as fast as you can. I ain't built like you."

"Thank God," Chuck couldn't resist quipping. "All the proportions would be off."

She smiled, delighted, her heart warm, a bit over the usual warmth over a friendly quip.

Scratching his head, Chuck decided to bypass the point for now. She had admitted that 'Samantha Lisa' was part of the problem. He was sure it was one of her aliases.

Her eyes returned to the spot on the floor. She sensed that she was in a corner with no way out.

I should tell him. I should finally share it with someone who cares for me. He figured out the name part, although he guessed wrong about its source, so why don't you tell him the rest of it? Would it be so bad?

Sarah knew what was wrong about it: If he continued to find out about all of her past, who knew what he would do. Possibly run, like in 'run for your life'. But - after last night, after today, she was strongly inclined to believe he would stick to her no matter what.

But am I bold enough to risk the love I just found? She sighed softly. It's easy to make decisions about life and death. It's so much harder to make decisions about the heart.

"There's more. If you put that name together with that 'good girl' talk, that's when the trouble starts. Then those bad memories come up that I can't control."

Chuck's mouth was wide open, guilt in his eyes.

"I'm so, so sorry. I understood it last night. I said exactly something like that when we had to convince those assassins that we have sex. So I was responsible."

"You didn't know. It's not your fault. And who could know that our agencies would select that name for Carina and that I would take her place? But don't do it again, please."

"No, I never will say that again."

Chuck made a short pause as he saw a change in Sarah's expression. Apparently, she was debating with herself. He had lived through many of such situations, and they all ended with Sarah entrenching herself.

"I said you became everything," she began eventually, then stopped again. She was not unsure of her feelings for him. On the contrary: For the first time ever, she was absolutely sure. It was merely her old curse of finding the right words, but finally, she raised her head heavenward, mocking herself before descending to him again, eyes only inches apart, and firmly spoke.

"You are my boyfriend now."

And it sounded a bit like that old Status Quo song, You're In The Army Now. There was no considering, no hesitation, no doubt on her side.

"I am your girlfriend now," Sarah continued and closed her miniature speech, but the effect on Chuck was monumental. There was no holding back. He pulled her down the last few inches and began to kiss her face, every tiny little spot, before turning his attention to her lips, his tongue seeking access to her mouth and seeking another entrance as he pulled his bathrobe away from his middle.

"Whoa, loverboy," Sarah shouted and backed away from him, then sitting several inches lower on his thighs. Chuck looked deeply perplexed, confused love and lust written all over his face, but Sarah's stern look sobered him up quickly.

"I was carried away by your words, I'm-"

"If you say you're sorry now, I'm going to scream. There's nothing to be sorry about and nothing I would love more than to fool around with you, but I'm trying to tell you something, and you better listen. You can ravish me later."

"Is that a promise?" Chuck grinned.

She reached out a hand, and so did he. They snickeringly shook hands.

"Deal," she grinned.

When has life been ever that easy? Sarah wondered. Sobering up a bit but full of love up to her back teeth, she did not waste any second longer. With deft yet gentle hands, she tucked an audacious part of Chuck's anatomy away as he gasped and neatly closed the bathrobe over it before moving up again to be close. She wanted to be near when she told him.

The words spilled out without further fanfare.

"Samantha Lisa is my real name."

Somewhere in the universe, almost as far away as Jeff was from ever being promoted, an aging massive star exploded into a supernova, but as for Chuck, it could have been right in the honeymoon suite. He gently pulled her closer and gave a reassuring nod when he saw a warning appear in – it could be only his imagination – her eyes looking so vulnerable suddenly. After a tender kiss, he placed her forehead in the crook of his shoulder and held her close.

"Thank you, Sarah, from the bottom of my heart!"

After a while, he lifted her head as cautiously as if he was holding a Fabergé egg.

"When we're together like this, should I…?"

Sarah shook her head as she raised to a sitting position again. "I told you I would never use my name again. Don't ever talk to anyone about it, not even Casey. Sarah Walker became my real name the day-"

...I fell in love with you! You said much already, Walker. You're going to tell him even more of your dangerous life. Why don't you tell him that?

"-we met."

Sarah honestly thought he would get cramps in his cheeks sooner or later today from all the grinning he did, understanding the moistness in his eyes correctly this time as tears of joy. All the while, Chuck's ever-curious gray cells were in high activity.

If Samantha Lisa is her real name, then the panic attack Sarah experienced yesterday was more personal than I thought. It can't be solely agency-related. It has to do with who she really is or once really was. It is about her as a human being, regardless of how much 'the agency' and her job were part of it.

It was illogical as Sarah was the one in their relationship who had to save his life all the time, but his protective instinct jumped into high gear. While he still marveled that Sarah trusted him enough to tell him her real name, he began to understand that this opened up a whole string of more questions.

"When did these panic attacks happen the first time? Stop," he quickly corrected himself as a worried look appeared on her face, "I am not asking for details. Just say how old you were when you had your first panic attack?"

Her face became as unreadable as the sphinx, and her eyes returned to the spot on the floor she had stared at earlier. Chuck slipped away from her, and, to her bewilderment, got up. She was momentarily scared he would end the conversation because of her hesitant answers. He crouched down to the floor, then wiggled his finger at the very spot she was staring at the whole time and even talked to it, "Sarah, we can stop this anytime you want."

She couldn't help herself to yell with laughter. His situational awareness left a lot to be desired, but reading Sarah Walker, he had mastered brilliantly. He patiently waited until she stopped, silently slipped back into the bed, sat down next to Sarah, and put an arm around her shoulder.

"Seventeen!" she abruptly said, after a few moments of silence.

"Oh my gosh, Sarah, that's a long time. And you never told anyone?"

She shook her head against his shoulder.

"What about Bryce?" he grudgingly inquired. "Couldn't you talk to him?"

After a long pause, a suspicion rose inside Chuck. "Wait... is Bryce part of the problem?"

Sarah exhaled loudly. This was getting menacingly close. She should have stopped the conversation altogether, but she could not. She did not want to, regardless of how much she would tie herself into knots.

"Yes and no."

•••••••••••••••••••

A/N (2) This above all; to thine own self be true: William Shakespeare. Spoken by Polonius in 'Hamlet', Act-1, Scene-III, 78–82.

A/N (3) The truth is rarely pure and never simple: Oscar Wilde. Spoken by Algernon in 'The Importance of Being Earnest'.

A/N (4) But it's pretty simple to leave a review. You'll be amazed at how simple it is.