While on the outs with the team, Buck finds himself drowning in medical debt, rent, and other bills. He does have a large inheritance from family, however, he'd placed it in a trust for Christopher to go to college and refused to access it for his own use. It gets to the point where he sells most of his things and moves to a smaller apartment in a rougher part of L.A. He silently endures as his quality of life diminishes and even when his electricity gets cut off he decides he doesn't need it anyway. He can make do with candles and flashlights no problem for a little while. Just until he's back on his feet.
He spends his evenings alone in his dark little apartment contemplating the situation he has found himself in and finds no one to blame but himself for his selfish actions. His mind has been a melancholy place as of late and the familiar feeling of worthlessness has been creeping into the edge of his mind for weeks now. It reminds him of the year following his departure from home and feeling like he'd burdened Maddie too much and she finally decided he was too much. He didn't blame her back then and he had no one else to blame now. He was too much. Only now being acutely aware of it thanks to Eddie's revelation at the grocery store did Buck understand that the reason why everyone left him was because he was too much. Now though he was feeling the ever-present loneliness and wondering why he was even trying to make the team see his side of things.
They owed him nothing and it was time he learned to stop asking for so much. Even now as he settles into his pile of sleeping bags on the floor in the corner of his new apartment with his clothing hanging off of his diminished frame, he thinks to himself that he can handle this on his own. He's been in worse situations and a few skipped meals wouldn't be the end of him even as his stomach growls in protest at having gone to bed with no dinner after having to smell the sweet aromas of whatever Bobby had made for the team's dinner that evening at the firehouse.
Once upon a time, he'd been invited to share dinner with them at the same table, however, after his first week back Buck was made acutely aware that he was no longer welcome at that table. The first time he tried to sit with the team, even with his own pitiful lunch of some crackers and a handful of nuts as he wouldn't expect that Bobby would be ready to prepare him meals again so soon after the lawsuit, the team had abruptly ceased their conversation with tense looks passed between each member with the exception of him of course. No one at the firehouse could stand to look at him any longer since his return. Buck, realizing that he was putting a strain on the festivities of the meal, had left his snacks on the table in his haste to flee the scene of his isolation. Only hours later when his stomach reminded him of the abandoned 'meal' did he brave returning to the area only to find that someone had tossed his things in the trash. Buck couldn't complain about it though as it had been several hours since he sat at that table so whoever was picking up probably assumed he was finished with the food. Buck fills with shame as he fishes the half-wrapped package of crackers from the top of the garbage. He'd picked a few off the top that may have come in contact with other items in the garbage before carefully rewrapping the rest and storing it in his bag for later. He couldn't waste his food anymore like that, gross as it is to have pulled it from the trash. Buck flushed with the thought that someone could have seen that and quickly glanced around before realizing that the entire shift was down in the locker rooms for change over. He would change after everyone else to avoid making the locker room bear witness to the team's cold shoulder.
Coming back to himself, Buck settles in for the night trying to get some rest before his shift the next day. He had already prepared his bag for the following day's shift with a freshly cleaned uniform. His laundry stacked in a basket lying next to the bag reminded him that he would need to bring that along with him the next day to do at the firehouse in between all of his chores. Some days he really missed the presence of a washer and dryer in his own place, however, he had really needed the cash from the sale of his appliances to make the rent payment and security deposit to secure this place after having been evicted from his old place. Buck heaved a sigh and plugging his phone into a portable charger for the night decided it was beyond time to get some shut-eye if only to cease the litany of thoughts in his mind tonight.
The following day at the station, Buck arrived earlier than his peers for the shift and set his laundry basket in the clean supply closet for the time being before heading to the locker room to store his items in his locker. He sighs heavily at the realization that it had again been vandalized with hateful notes and slurs. He took the extra time from arriving early to wash the locker of any evidence before storing his items and securely locking the door. He learned early in his return that some personnel at the firehouse would take advantage of his locker being unsecured. He'd found at the end of a shift one night all of his items strewn about the locker room floors with similar messages drafted on each item. The worst of which was a photo he had of him and the team torn to shreds and left as the sole item in his locker. He had carefully taped it back together that night by candlelight and then cradled it to his chest while he slept, unwilling to let this deter him from getting back to his family. He could handle this.
An hour later sees the team arrive for their shift and each member enters the locker rooms to change into their uniforms. None of them spoke to Buck and he kept his head down to avoid agitating anyone so early in a shift. Not even an hour into the shift and the team gets called out to a large pile up on the freeway. Buck had long since learned that the alarm going off only meant that he would be the man behind and that he should take the opportunity to clean the floors while the engine was out.
As soon as the trucks pulled out of the bay Buck turned swiftly to head to the laundry room. He sways a bit, feeling a little off today. He shakes his head trying to rid himself of the weird feeling and determines that he needs to get more sleep lately before steadfastly proceeding to the laundry room. He retrieves his laundry basket from the clean supply room on his way in order to get a head start on that while filling the mop bucket.
Upon entering the laundry room Buck deposits his articles of clothing into the washer and drags out the mop bucket to fill in the basin. He sets the faucet on to hot water making sure the bucket is fully inside the basin so that even if it overflows, the water wouldn't make it over the lip of the basin. Buck again turns to pour some detergent in the washer and set it to wash on the delicate setting.
Buck turns once more to check on the status of the mop bucket and finding it only ⅓ full decided to sit down to attempt to clear his head of the fuzziness that had taken residence. He knew why he was feeling so lightheaded and that it had to do in part with not eating as much as he typically would have. He couldn't help it though as he only had a certain amount of cash to deal with and rent would be coming due in the next week and a half. He had to save as much as he could and if that meant rationing his meals to every other day or every two days then so be it. He could handle this for a few more weeks until things got better. In his musings, it didn't register that he had slowly slumped into the corner with his shoulder pressing hard into the wall. I guess it can't hurt to close my eyes for a minute. I'll get to the floors after. With that Buck's eyes drooped and his vision went dark falling into a blissful blackness.
The team returned only an hour after the call having come to the scene to find not one but 4 other fire engines present and already wrapping up and sending each patient to the hospital. Ultimately they were called in for clean-up duty and it being the first call of the day meant that no one in the 118 would be complaining about an easy start.
Everyone felt that the place had become eerily quiet as of late. No one was willing to admit that they missed hearing Buck's incessant chatter and his quiet humming during their shifts; however, facing hours without it was beginning to weigh heavily. It was as if the life had been sucked out of the firehouse. In a sense it had. They had all seen Buck's withdrawal over the last 2 months and while many missed his old presence, the anger and hurt outweighed the nostalgia. Having returned from a not-so-difficult first call the team enters the locker rooms to deposit their turn-out coats on the benches in a heap.
As soon as the door is pulled open, Eddie can't help but feel a wave of resentment at the sight of Buck blissfully out on one of the benches. The last call wasn't hard but how dare he get to sleep on the job after everything?
Eddie, unable to hold his tongue while kicking at Buck's leg, 'I can't believe he sued the department just to come back and sleep on the job'.
'Uh..' Chimney suddenly speaks up from the other side of the room where the mop bucket was overflowing in the basin. He watches as Chimney turns off the tap with a quiet, 'I don't think he's napping guys. The water is still running.' The rage quickly drains out of Eddie realizing that Buck wouldn't have simply fallen asleep with the water still running.
He wheels around at Chimney's expression, snapping his eyes back to Buck's prone form wedged into the corner where the walls meet. Eddie leans over to shake Buck awake while also placing his fingers on Buck's neck to check his pulse. He breathes out harshly in relief at feeling the steady beat under his fingers. Eddie calls to him while shifting out of the way to allow Chimney in beside him.
'Buck! Hey, wake up!' Eddie pats his cheek hoping to get some sort of response out of him. When he gets no reaction Chimney motions to him and they maneuver Buck's body to the floor lying on his back. Chimney takes to measuring some of Buck's vitals while Hen shoos Eddie from Buck's side. Hen knelt down next to Buck on the floor and attempted to rouse him with a rough sternal rub. Buck comes to, eyes opening with a garbled moan of confusion. Buck's vision comes into sharp focus and he realizes the team standing over him with varying expressions. Buck suddenly shoots up with wide eyes stammering out an apology, 'I'm sorry Bobb - I mean cap! I- I must have dozed off. It won't happen again I swear!'
Buck steels himself determined not to disappoint the team any more than he already has. He chastises himself in his mind while pushing himself to his feet. How useless can you be! No wonder they're sick of you! Stupid! He brushes off his uniform pants and Hen's steadying hands shooting her a grateful smile, 'I'm good. I have to swap my laundry over and then I'll get back to the chores Cap. Thanks, Hen.' Buck walks away leaving the team in a confused state at what just transpired. Chimney whispers to Bobby, 'Did he say his laundry?' Eddie tucks that thought away because he knows that Buck has a washer and a dryer at his loft apartment so why would he be doing his things here of all places?
Buck walks to the washer in a haze, not hearing everyone else around him in the firehouse. Too focused on his list of tasks and the litany of self-degradation running through his head. He mechanically swaps over the laundry from the washer and into the dryer before starting a new load of towels for the firehouse. He notes absently the slightest tremor in his hands and vaguely wonders why his hands are moving so much.
Hen cautiously approaches the laundry area, the team having decided that she would be the best to speak with Buck. She had the medical knowledge and was the kindest to Buck since his return to the station a few months ago. She had the best chance of convincing him to take a break and figuring out what exactly was going on with him. Before she even had a chance to broach the conversation with Buck he turned abruptly having finished with his task. Buck startles a bit when his eyes take in Hen's form right behind him. 'Oh! Hey Hen, sorry I'll get out of your way.'
'No Buck, I just wanted to ask if you're feeling alright?' Buck looked up abruptly as if startled that anyone would be thinking about him and his health after everything. Buck quickly slipped into an easy mask of his old cheerfulness and reported, 'Never felt better!' before brushing past her. Hen turned slowly observing as Buck made his way up the stairs to the kitchen area to begin preparing dinner for the team as Bobby was now tied up in his office. From this angle, she was able to note the pale to his skin and the gauntness of his cheeks and her brow furrowed in worry.
Upstairs in the kitchen, Buck set out to prepare a simple pasta dish for the team with grilled chicken, penne, and broccoli mixed with homemade alfredo sauce. Buck smiles sadly to himself at the memory of the first time Bobby had taught him this recipe sometime last year. He muttered several apologies to the team who were now loitering around upstairs trying not to make it obvious that they were all keeping an eye on the youngest member of their team. Chimney sat down at the table and pulled out his phone to which Buck again apologized for the meal not being ready yet. 'I'm sorry, I should have started it earlier. I'm almost done!'
Chimney glanced up at Buck and reassured him, 'It's no big deal, Buck. Thanks for cooking.' Buck again startles in wonderment at the utterance of thanks sent his way. He hadn't heard that in a long time.
Once the dish was finished Buck quickly pulled out some garlic knots from the oven and hurriedly assembled a simple salad to pair with the meal. He placed each dish on the counter and swiveled to wipe down the appliances and surfaces of any evidence that he had made a mess. He dished out several plates of the pasta with a side of bread and laid out bowls with utensils for those who opted to have some salad. Buck looked over the spread pleased with how everything came out. He called to the team, correcting himself when he came to Eddie, 'Eds- I mean Eddie, do you want one or two of the garlic knots?' Eddie dumbly held up two fingers trying not to think too much about the fact that Buck felt the need to correct himself when it came to him.
Yeah, they've been in a rough spot but that didn't mean they weren't still friends. Though the more he thought about it the more he realized that he hadn't been a friend as of late. He hadn't seen Buck outside of work in over two months now and actively prevented him from being able to see Christopher after the initial hurt of the lawsuit. Even after Buck was able to return to the station, he never asked to be allowed to visit and Eddie never offered.
One by one the team came up to take a plate back to the table and Chimney called out to Bobby in his office informing him that dinner was served. Bobby emerged shortly and collected a plate of his own, nodding to Buck in the closest form of communication they'd had in months other than orders. Chimney notes when Bobby grabbed a plate that he had taken the last one. 'Aren't you short a plate there buddy?'
Buck panics internally berating himself again for being so careless. 'Oh. Did I forget someone? Sorry, I'll make another.' Buck hurries to assemble another plate piling three of the garlic knots on in apology to whoever he missed before turning around to set the dishwasher to wash the now dirty load of dishes. Chimney's face fell when he realized that Buck hadn't forgotten anyone - he just no longer included himself in the meals. The team sat at the table watching the encounter silently and their eyes trail Buck as he returns to the bay to begin restocking the engine and moving the team's turnout gear to their respective lockers in a neat fashion.
Bobby stands suddenly going to lean over the railing and calls to Buck. 'Aren't you going to eat Buck?' Buck looks up with astonishment on his face at hearing Bobby's voice directed at him in a way that did not openly hold malice. It was the first time since his return that Bobby had called him by Buck instead of Buckley. A small piece of him hurt at the realization that this simple gesture meant so much after months of loneliness. Buck beamed up at Bobby but not wanting to push too much opted to call back, 'Uh yeah. I have lunch in the Jeep. Thanks, Cap.'
The team having eaten, opted to trail him again with their eyes observing his odd behavior now that they were actually paying attention. They watched from the loft as Buck exited the bay to open his car door. Surprisingly instead of grabbing something from his car, Buck opened the door all the way and hauled himself into the vehicle. They watched in confusion as Buck sat in his car for roughly five minutes with his head resting on crossed arms on his steering wheel. Chimney mutters next to the crew, 'I thought he was going to eat?' Hen nodded at him absently as they all had heard him say as much.
A few minutes passed before Buck sat up gathering himself by scrubbing a hand down his face and blinking rapidly to clear his vision. He headed back into the station, pausing to check on the status of the laundry before moving on to mopping the floors after finding the washer still had 20 minutes to go before the towels could be moved to the dryer.
Back in the loft Hen moves back over to the table after the viewing experience and asks what everyone has on their minds, 'What's up with him lately?'
Bobby shrugged and muttered, still clinging to some bitterness over the lawsuit, 'Maybe this is his new normal. Seems that he's still full of surprises.'
Hen glares at Bobby and comes back with, 'Hasn't this been going on too long? Something is wrong with the kid and he's been punished for long enough. Maybe it's time we let him back in.' Hen fills with guilt at the memory of Buck's hunched form climbing the stairs to prepare a meal for the team but not himself. It hadn't even occurred to Buck when Chimney pointed out the absence of a 5th plate that it would be meant for him. Everyone winces at the memory of the last time Buck had tried to participate in a team meal at the table, remembering the shattered look in his eyes when everyone had suddenly become silent in his presence. Seems he learned that team meals were not meant for him anymore. He had been effectively cast out.
The team's musings were interrupted by the man in question jogging back up the stairs to empty the dishwasher. Chimney called out to him without thinking, 'Hey Buck, you hungry?' Buck's inner monologue of self-depreciation having been interrupted, he looks up again startled that so many people were talking to him today. It hurt when the team realized that to Buck them deigning to speak to him was a great event these days. Buck gives a small, cautious but genuine small while shaking his head too afraid to put a voice to his answer for fear of shattering the moment. Hen follows up with, 'You sure? This pasta is really good.' Buck, braving the team's focus on him responded with, 'Yeah, I ate my lunch outside. Thanks' before turning back to his task at hand. The team again exchanged a series of looks, knowing that Buck had in fact not eaten anything while in his car.
The moment is interrupted as the alarm signals again that the team was needed somewhere. They will have to put whatever is going on with Buck on hold for now.
Buck for his part doesn't even seem to realize the alarm is going off. It's been two months as man behind - he doesn't even give much thought to the alarm anymore but to add restocking the ambulance to his list of later duties when they return.