Buck sits stiff as a board in the passenger seat next to Eddie. He's gripping his duffle bag tightly and chewing at his lip. All in all Evan Buckley was the perfect picture of anxiety bordering on agitation. He's kept himself tight lipped since climbing into the passenger seat trying not to draw any attention to his discomfort or the burden he is now placing at Eddie's feet again.
His mind is filled with the memory of standing in that grocery store trying to reconcile with his team. Eddie's words crash into him like a wave all over again and he feels like he's drowning once more. Exhausting. And Eddie was right. He is right still but Buck is working on that! He's been actively keeping to himself for weeks to avoid being that overbearing presence in his former family's lives.
He decides that he's already caused enough trouble in one day. He won't bother asking Eddie if he can recline the seat. He'll push through the pounding in his head for the duration of the drive. This resolution doesn't stop Buck from reaching up to rub at his temples in an involuntary motion. When he notices Eddie side eyeing him from his position in the driver's he tries to subtly pass it off as an itch before returning his hands to the duffle bag in his lap. He adjusts minutely to sit ramrod straight and make himself as unobtrusive as he possibly can in the small space.
In the driver's seat Eddie is faring no better. An outsider looking in could easily see Eddie's white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and the tense line to his mouth. The drive to Eddie's house is relatively quick but it stretches into hours when the weight of tension settles upon the cab's occupants. Eddie tries to come up with some way to start this conversation in his head. A half a dozen times he turns his head as if to say something to Buck but changes his mind at the last moment. His confidence when it comes to Buck is fragile right now. Seeing the man in question looking so weathered and drawn in the locker room earlier in the day was a shock. And then again watching him collapse in front of the station only serves to remind Eddie of the harsh disconnect between the two of them.
By the time they arrive at Eddie's house, no words have been passed between the two men.
Buck tears out of the cab, barely waiting for Eddie to engage the parking brake before he's got the door open and his boots on the ground. He clambers out in what could be mistaken for a panic to anyone else, but Eddie knows that it more likely is inspired by the excitement thrumming in Buck's veins at seeing one of his favorite people again.
Buck rushes up the stone walkway, eager to see his Superman for the first time in weeks. He stops short of the door only a few feet away, coming back to himself. Buck stands there hesitating. He wasn't sure if he would be allowed to just walk into the residence like before the lawsuit. Before he messed everything up.
He chances a look back at Eddie who is just now climbing from the cab himself. They make eye contact and Buck asks the silent question with a near pleading in his gaze, asking for permission.
Eddie barely manages to choke out a verbal response. "Go ahead. Carla & Christopher are in there. You still have a key." It's an olive branch Buck doesn't feel like he's earned but he takes it greedily.
He's fishing for his key when the door opens to reveal one kid with tears of happiness filling his own eyes. Carla stands back allowing the two to reunite and Buck stoops to sweep Christopher into his arms in a bear hug. He picks Christopher up effortlessly for a man whose muscles have slowly disappeared over the last few weeks. "Hey, Superman. I really missed you." Buck says this so quietly that it could have been a whisper but both Carla and Eddie are able to hear it clear as day. Christopher mumbles his own reply into Buck's neck wiping his tears on the older man's sleeve unabashedly. "I missed you more.'
Eddie's heart clenches at the words and the guilt taking up residence in his chest sends a sharp pang reverberating through his rib cage, reminding him that he had been hurting more than just Buck over the last two months. He turns away from the scene, unable to take it. From the doorway Carla frowns at this. She doesn't know what's been going on between these boys lately but she knows Buck hasn't been around to see Christopher in many moons and every time said man had been brought up in conversation Eddie's expression closes off into one of barely concealed rage.
Eddie gathers Buck's abandoned duffle on the sidewalk before rounding the truck and pulling his own bag and the case obtained from Buck's place from the bed of the truck. He pads slowly up his walkway reluctant to interrupt the moment taking place in his entryway. He can see from his vantage point a solo tear slipping down Buck's cheek and it feels like a kick to the teeth.
Carla ushers the pair inside seeing the silent struggle on Eddie's face. "Come on in kids.' She grips Buck's shoulder as he passes through the doorway with a still crying Christopher clinging to him. Buck supports his weight easily, just as reluctant to let go now that they have been reunited. It feels like the aftermath of the tsunami all over again. He feels just as tired.
Buck travels through the hallway of the Diaz home, knowing it better than his own at this point. When he comes to the living room he sits himself down on the couch with Christopher still in tow and they start up a conversation in hushed tones about everything that the other has missed in the last two months. Carla gestured to Eddie who has trailed behind the party only to dump the load he's carrying onto the carpet. He follows her silently into the kitchen.
"Eddie Diaz! Thanks for the heads up! I would have made a big dinner for you guys. Lord knows Buck could use some meat on his bones. He's skinnier than I've ever seen him. Is he sick?" Carla's mind immediately goes to a worst case scenario due to the nature of her work history. She anxiously awaits Eddie's response while continuing to keep an eye on the pair in the living room.
"I know. I'll get him to eat a big dinner tonight. I think I'll just order in and there's plenty of snacks for the two of them to binge on tonight. You know that they're going to desecrate my kitchen by making popcorn.' Eddie answers Carla's inquiry with a sigh, not really sure himself of exactly how Buck has come to be in this state. He promises to fill her in on any need to know information as soon as he knows himself. Carla makes him promise several more times as they bid each other goodbye. "Tell those two I said goodnight for me?"
Eddie again promises Carla as he walks her to the door, both of them unwilling to interrupt the reunion still happening on Eddie's couch. Eddie decides to give them a little while longer to catch up while he goes into the kitchen and pulls out a menu for their local Applebee's. He doesn't really need a menu, knowing what everyone's usual order is thanks to the many nights spent watching a movie or playing games, but he feels the need to pile on appetizers and extras tonight. He orders three main dishes and a couple appetizers to boot. He throws in an extra order of the boneless chicken he knows Buck is a fan of at the last minute, sure that the man in question would likely be ecstatic to have it for lunch the following day.
The lady on the phone confirms his order with him before citing delivery would be within the next hour or so. He thanks her and hangs up, quickly assembling a game plan for the next hour to get everyone settled in for the night.
He decides the first stop is to go fishing in his laundry room, sure that he's got a spare set of pants belonging to Buck folded up in there somewhere. One of Eddie's t-shirts would usually be a hair too small on the broader man's chest, however given what Eddie witnessed just that morning, the fit would be anything but snug on Buck's frame now. He successfully locates a pair of grey sweatpants belonging to Buck in one of the hampers full of folded laundry and he makes a mental note to give Carla some flowers and a raise for taking care of his household and his kid. He only pays her for one of those services but the woman is a total godsend.
Once he's got the pants in hand he swings into his own bedroom closet for a plain black t-shirt he recognizes as an outcast from his army days. The worn material would be a welcome comfort to anyone and Buck deserves that kind of comfort tonight. He's just about to round the corner into his living room when he freezes, hearing the conversation taking place between his best friend and his kid.
Christopher's soft voice carries across the small room, unaware of its effect on his father. "So you haven't been visiting because of a mistake you made?" Christopher pauses for only a moment before following up that question with another. "Did you apologize?"
Buck answers with a small sigh, 'Yes, but it's not always easy for people to forgive. Especially when it comes to family.'
Eddie can almost see the furrowing of Christopher's brow, the young boy unable to grasp the concept that his Buck could have done something so bad. "So because my dad can't forgive you yet, he doesn't want you around?"
Eddie is floored at the words coming from his young son. He slumped back against the hallway wall, having difficulty at hearing the reality of the situation coming from the mouth of his child. He had expected this but to hear it from Christopher brought home just how skewed his thinking has been as of late. His son is not one known for anger but his question comes with a trace of malice and accusation.
Buck backtracks quickly trying to salvage his partner's reputation even when everything that Christopher had said was true. "No! That's not it at all buddy. It's not your dad's fault ok? It's just me. I'm pretty exhausting." Buck ends his explanation with a hollow chuckle trying to play off the weight of those words to his young companion.
If Eddie could feel any lower he would but he's already standing at exactly one inch tall in the face of the damage done to his best friend over the last two months. He should have realized that Buck would be carrying those words around with him all this time even if they were only said in the heat of the moment. He knows that Buck has been struggling with the weight of his guilt at the tsunami and burdening his team with his recovery from the truck bombing and embolism. If Buck really believes that he is exhausting, what else does he believe about himself? It's at this time the image of Buck's thin frame pulling on his t-shirt in the locker room resurfaces. Could he really be struggling with body image issues?
Eddie gathers his wits about him unsure if there had been more to the conversation taking place in his living room as he had zoned out in his own thinking. He scrubs a hand over his face before rounding the corner calling out, "How does Applebee's sound to you two?"
At this Christopher lets out a small cheer, excited at the unusual treat and the returning feeling of normalcy in the Diaz household now that Buck had been welcomed back. Buck himself has a small on his face for Christopher's sake but Eddie can see past it to the worried look looming in his eyes. In his mind, Buck is already cycling through how he will manage to afford the impulsive cost of this meal when he's only got $43 to his name for the remainder of the week. Buck opens his mouth to tell Eddie not to order anything for him.
Eddie cuts him off before Buck is able to say anything in protest, 'Great it should be here in about a half an hour." Buck deflates, accepting that he would simply have to cut out some extras this week, unwilling to spoil Christopher's good mood.
Eddie hands Buck the bundle of clothing in his arm, inviting him to use the shower while he wrestles Christopher into his pajamas for the night. Buck takes the bundle, grateful for the small reprieve being offered to him. Eddie watches as Buck kicks off his boots outside of the bathroom door and enters closing the door behind him. He hears the shower turn on and shares a grin with Christopher when they hear Buck's gentle voice wafting out into the living room, singing along to the radio in the bathroom that Eddie keeps in there just for him. Buck had insisted all that time ago when he first spent nights at the Diaz residence saying that any man of stock needed a radio in the bathroom.
Eddie had just accepted this as truth and gone out to purchase a radio later that week. The look on Buck's face the next time he stayed over had been worth the odd looks he got from the cashier when he went through the line with a light lavender colored radio. He had laughed it off merely thanking Eddie for thinking to get one in his favorite color!
He trails after his son on their way to his bedroom. Christopher is quiet when he picks out a set of pjs for the night and sits on his bed with a pensive look on his face. Eddie is halfway through the process when Chris pipes up with a quiet, "Dad?"
He looks up at his son from his kneeling position on the bedroom floor and he is again floored by Christopher's small voice asking, 'Do you not like Buck anymore?" Eddie snaps his head up abandoning the pajama pants in his hand in favor of gripping his sons arms firmly. He stares hard into Christopher's eyes desperate to convey his message.
"No, mijo. I love Buck. I'm sorry that I made you doubt that. I held a grudge when I shouldn't have. I should have let it go weeks ago." Christopher nods sagely in response as if his dad's wisdom amazed him somehow.
Eddie resumes helping Christopher dress for the night when he speaks up again asking, 'If you forgive him can he start coming over again? I miss him. Buck's my best friend." Eddie laughs lightly, impressed with his son's easy acceptance of Buck's presence in their lives. He nods at Christopher's question, pulling out some long socks for his son to wear tonight while watching a movie. He had no illusions that Christopher would be sleeping in his bed tonight, he was more likely to fall asleep on the couch with Buck following closely behind him if not before.
He kneels again holding out the sock for Chris to slide his foot in and broaches a heavy conversation with his young son. He had wanted to think on it longer to talk to Christopher about it but he had seen the loneliness etched into Buck's face for weeks now and especially when he stood illuminated only by candles in his little apartment. Instead he blurts out, "How would you feel if we had Buck come to stay with us for a while? Like a really long sleep over?"
Christopher lights up like a firework and it takes everything in him to stifle the sound of his child's excitement. He barely manages to shush him before the inevitable scream of delight speaking in a rush, "Hang on! Buck doesn't know yet ok? I think we should invite him together tomorrow, ok?" Christopher nods with a gleam in his eyes holding one finger to his lips and the pinky on his other hand out to his father.
Eddie smiles at the youthful expression and entwines his pinky finger around Christopher's smaller one. After that he gets the other sock on Christopher's foot that's been happily bouncing against the bed frame. He's clenching his hands into little fists out of pure euphoria and Eddie can't help but be grateful for how much his son loves Buck.
It wasn't hard to love Buck. He's always held such compassion and love of life in his deep blues. He reflects as he's changing into his own night clothes that loving Buck had been an easy transition from friendly feelings to romantic. In hindsight he probably knew after the ladder truck and then later seeing the man all but collapse after the tsunami, having spent everything he had to find Christopher that he was gone on Buck.
His favorite thing was to come home to find Buck and Christopher giggling on the couch after watching some movie they only half paid attention to. He wanted more though. He didn't want Buck to leave the following day.
Buck was there most nights spending time with Christopher just as much as he would with Eddie if not more. They cooked dinners together and breakfast in the morning. Buck always had a fresh pot of coffee ready in the morning for Eddie and a lunch packed for Christopher loaded with extra sweets that he thought Eddie didn't know about. He showed up to every special event in Christopher and Eddie's lives and even the most mundane things like last year when Christopher needed a flu shot and would only get it if Buck was with him. He had taken off a whole shift to spend the day with Christopher!
He realizes only now that this is what made the lawsuit feel so much like a betrayal. He was already sharing his life with the man in the same way he would have with Shannon. In his hurt at the betrayal, he couldn't see that Buck had been hurting too.
And Buck was still hurting but it was well past time for them to reconcile and Eddie could only hope that he wouldn't spoil this great thing before it even started.
The ringing of the door bell is what shakes him from his musings. He hurriedly throws on a shirt before jogging through the house to the front door. He can still hear the shower running as he passes the bathroom and Christopher was alone in the living room picking out the next movie that they would be viewing this evening.
He greets the delivery driver at the door and hands them a hefty tip for their speedy service. He takes the bags of food into the living room, setting out the spread on the small coffee table. They don't typically eat dinner in the living room but tonight called for bending the rules.
He can still hear the shower running but Buck's soft voice has faded out. He frowns a bit knowing that Buck usually takes long showers but not quite this long. He instructs Christopher to keep an eye on the food while he checks in with Buck and his son gives a clumsy salute in response with a conspiratorial grin.
Eddie takes a calming breath before beelining it to his bathroom door down the hallway. He knocks before he can over think the decision. He gets no response which is worrisome enough. He calls out once in warning, 'Hey Buck? You ok in there?" He again gets no real response other than a rough grunt coming from the other side of the door.
He warns once more before opening the bathroom door to check on his friend. What he finds on the other side of the door is one Evan Buckley half dressed in that black t-shirt and a pair of boxers. His eyes trail south and catch on the sight of Buck's scarred leg. Buck shuffles slightly to try and hide the grotesque view from his partner and huffs defeatedly.
"I couldn't wash my hair because of the stuff Hen put on my head." Buck looks so downtrodden at failing to perform this simple task that Eddie turns around swiftly to exit the room. He returns only a moment later with a stool from the kitchen and pushes Buck down onto it gently after positioning it in front of the sink.
Buck looks up, searching Eddie's eyes for some kind of explanation. Eddie chuckles and reassures him, 'Don't worry I'm pretty good at washing hair, just ask Christopher.' He guides Buck back to hang his head over the sink and supports his shoulders with a knee by perching his foot on one of the stool's rungs expertly.
He pulls an extra bottle of Buck's fancy shampoo that smells like orchids or some shit and costs an arm and a leg from the bathroom drawer. Buck lights up at the sight and quickly explains at Eddie's arched eyebrow, "I haven't had this stuff in a while. I love the smell. I didn't realize I left a bottle here".
Eddie chooses not to ruin the moment by questioning the first part of Buck's statement. He instead addresses the latter half stating, 'You didn't. I went out and bought this forever ago in case you ever ran out while you were here." Eddie chuckles remembering his incredulous look at the price of the bottle when it was rung up by that same cashier. Honestly, she probably knew before Eddie that he was smitten with someone just based off of his unusual purchase history.
He's got the water warm enough now and starts cupping it over Buck's head whispering a soft apology at the wince on Buck's face when the water runs over his fresh wound. Buck's looking at him with such wonder it almost hurts. He didn't think Eddie would have even remembered such a small detail about Buck let alone gone out to buy him his favorite product as an emergency spare. It warms his heart just a bit as he's reminded of the warmth of the Diaz home before his excommunication,
Eddie's carding his fingers through Buck's hairs working the shampoo into his scalp and Buck decides just for a moment that he could shut his eyes and pretend that the last few months had never happened. He's feeling greedy tonight it seems but he was going to take every bit he could get of the Diaz boys. He floats away as Eddie continues to massage the lather into his scalp.
Eventually the moment is broken by Christopher calling from the living room warning that the food was going to get cold if they took any longer. Both of the men chuckle at Christopher's exasperation and Eddie starts to rinse the lather from Buck's hair. Once he's finished, he helps Buck up with a hand and drapes a towel over his head to keep the water from pooling down his back. His eyes trace a rivulet from Buck's hair sloping down the back of his neck and disappearing beneath the collar of his shirt.
This part he knows Buck could probably do on his own but he's feeling greedy tonight too. He's been missing out on this closeness for the last two months. He pats Buck's hair dry and kneels on the floor with the sweatpants holding them out for Buck to step into. Buck flushes at the intimacy of this and assures Eddie that he could do this on his own, "I can do that Eddie.'
Eddie in response waves him off with, "Hurry up the food's getting cold.' in a mimic of Christopher's own voice. This pulls a startled laugh from Buck and it's one of the best sounds Eddie has heard in a while. He couldn't remember the last time he had heard Buck genuinely laugh.
Buck braces one hand on the sink as he lifts each leg and allows Eddie to slide the sweatpants up over his long slender legs. Eddie kicks the towel off to the side, unconcerned about leaving it on the floor tonight and turns to head out of the small bathroom when Buck grabs his arm.
"Ed- I just.. Thanks." Buck flounders unsure where they stand after the confusing events of the last 24 hours. Eddie puts his own hand over Buck's gripping his arm and reassures him. "Anytime. Let's go eat for now yeah? Before my kid has a meltdown?" Buck chuckles softly again and all Eddie wants is to keep that happiness in his eyes for longer than a millisecond.
They walk together back down the hall ready to eat. When Buck catches sight of the spread he is overwhelmed and turns to Eddie sharply hissing under his breath, "Eddie I- I can't afford this!" He's got a panic in his eyes that Eddie hasn't seen in a long time and he's quick to reassure him once more saying, "Don't worry about it ok? It's covered." Buck wants to protest further but a pointed look at Christopher from Eddie stifles this urge quickly and he simply nods before sitting on the couch next to Christopher who having become inpatient is happily chewing on a breadstick as he surfs through the movie selections on the TV.
He speaks around his mouthful listing off all of the titles he picked out for the night and they end up settling on an old favorite - Finding Nemo. Christopher insists that this is what they watch tonight to celebrate Buck's return. He cites Buck having saved him during the tsunami much like the fish in the movie means that this is essentially a superhero movie. Neither of the men want to argue with this logic and so they settle in to eat and watch the program.
Both Christopher and Buck are out not even an hour into the movie and Eddie laughs fondly at the pair before peeling himself from the pile of blankets they've amassed to package up all of the leftovers and stow them in the fridge. He was satisfied to see Buck eating hefty portions over the last half an hour. The hollow to his stomach will haunt Eddie for a long time to come and he wants nothing more than to change that.
Once he's taken care of the food, Eddie returns to the living room to see Buck barely awake and staring affectionately at Christopher's drooling face pressed into the pillow at his side. Eddie leans against the door frame content to soak up this image for as long as he can.
Eventually a particularly loud scene in the movie draws Buck's attention, breaking the moment. Eddie takes this as his opportunity to withdraw his son from the nest they have made on the couch, eager to talk with Buck tonight and not wanting to do so with his baring witness. He's quick to fill Buck in as he's extricating Christopher from the sofa saying, "I'm gonna get him set up in bed. I'll be right back." Buck nods in response and his eyes follow their departing form in the glow from the tv.
Eddie returns only a moment later determined to have this conversation before his nerve falters. He sits on the couch opposite of Buck facing him. Buck meets his gaze, almost uneasy at the intensity. Eddie for all of his forethought and good intentions can't come up with anything articulate when trying to broach this conversation.
It's Buck who saves him from himself by opening up the conversation. "Are we- are we ok? I know it's been … hard since the lawsuit. I'm-I'm just confused." Buck again flounders at a loss for words.
Eddie takes the initiative at this point spurred on by Buck's participation. "Buck- I'm so sorry. I don't think I can say that enough times or in any way to actually convey just how sorry I am for being so awful to you over the last couple of weeks. I think I get it now. You were just trying to hold onto the family you found and the lawsuit seemed like the only way you could do that."
Buck nods eagerly, relief washing over him to have someone finally understand that the lawsuit was not out of malice. His eyes well up almost immediately at the sudden acceptance being shown to him by one of the most important people in his life. He had all but lost hope of this moment ever occurring in the haze of the last few weeks. Everything had become unraveled so quickly and now Eddie was offering to put it back together with him so effortlessly.
"I just didn't want to lose you guys." Is the only thing Buck is able to articulate at this moment with tears finally slipping down his cheeks.
Eddie surges forward enveloping Buck in a brutal hug, savoring the feeling of Buck being so close to him but unable to ignore the protrusion of his ribs and the knobs of his spine. He pulls back only a little while still holding onto Buck's arms and asks, because he needs to know, "Buck are you - are you starving yourself? You're so skinny now and I'm worried."
Buck looks up suddenly with a protest on his tongue, "What? No. I just - I've had to be careful with my food supply lately and.." Eddie nods encouragingly prompting him to go on. "And I haven't been able to manage to eat a lot." Buck trails off ashamed of his situation and unwilling to divulge the state of his financial affairs to Eddie. He just got him back tentatively. He didn't want to risk pushing him away immediately by dumping his problems on the man.
Eddie is struggling to follow along with Buck at this point so he bites the bullet asking, "By careful do you mean counting calories?" He's fishing and they both know it.
"No, Eds" Buck managed with a huffed laugh. "I'm not cutting calories and starving myself because I think I'm fat.' The thought of that while almost funny in Buck's mind has been hanging over Eddie all day. Eddie lets out his own relieved exhale, sagging a little at the knowledge that Buck at least didn't have an eating disorder. That didn't answer his questions though.
"So what's going on then? Are you sick or something?" Eddie asks, anxious that maybe he's gotten it wrong and there was some sort of illness just not in relation to body image.
Buck again shakes his head accepting that Eddie wouldn't be letting this go and recognizing that he would connect the dots on his own anyway so there was no point in withholding this information from his friend.
"I'm not sick Eds. I just have to ration out my food sometimes. I didn't take the settlement that the city offered but I still have to pay my medical bills and the lawyer. It just all got ahead of me." Buck looks down at this admittance, ashamed to have allowed himself to get to this point.
"So that's why you moved into that sketchy building? Because you couldn't afford your place anymore?"
Buck can only manage a nod, not even bothering to try and hide the tears still slipping down his cheeks.
"Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you ask for help?" Eddie is having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that they had all let this happen to their friend unbeknownst to them.
Buck hesitated before opting for full honesty, "..I had no one to ask...and...I already ask too much. I get it now. I'm trying to be good enough on my own without dragging you all into my mess. I don't want to be a burden anymore.'
Eddie wasn't sure if his heart could break anymore. "Evan, you are not a burden. I'm so sorry that we ever made you feel that way. We're gonna figure this out ok?" Eddie says this, wrapping his arms back around Buck and holding on tightly.
He can tell that Buck doesn't believe him quiet yet but it's enough for tonight that they've opened up a line of communication. More would come in the morning.