Eddie busied himself around the house while the Buckley siblings dominated his living room. He wanted to make sure that Buck feels as welcome in his new home with the Diaz boys as he should. That's why as he goes through the motions of clearing out the guest bedroom that's really only been used to house boxes of old toys, clothes and memories an overwhelming feeling of right washes over him. As if this room was always meant to harbor Buck and Eddie feels almost silly for not realizing until recently that Buck belongs with them.
He chooses not to think too hard on just how much he wants Buck's bedroom to also be his own. Instead he piles the boxes in a corner neatly to be taken out to the garage for storage or better yet to a donation center. Looking around the room with a contented sigh Eddie decides it's time to double back to the laundry room.
He wanted to come up with a sort of system wherein Buck would be able to have exclusive use of the machines when he wanted to do laundry throughout the week. He's only minutes into this task when he realizes how ridiculous it is. He's been pulling Buck's things from their laundry for years now. He's so thoroughly ingrained in their lives that there are probably just as many of his socks stuck in the washer as there are the Diaz's.
In fact he's folded Buck's clothes more often than not because Buck will always moan about the task and retaliate with, 'Why bother fold them when they're just going into a closet or dresser?' Eddie had leveled him with a curious look at this newfound quirk the first time he said it. Buck's flat has always been so orderly that Eddie had never assumed the man to be shirking on this chore. It wasn't until he had gone fishing for something in the younger man's closet did he realize that there was a messy side to the man. It had looked like a bomb went off and he should know after serving overseas!
In the end Eddie took to just folding the articles himself while Buck and Christopher dragged out every Lego in his house and probably the neighbors to build some monstrosity in the living room.
In the end Eddie abandons the laundry room in favor of the garage. He hears the gentle murmurs of the conversation taking place in his living room waft through the house. He takes care not to eavesdrop though, feeling that would be too intrusive of him. As he flicks on the light of the garage he lets out a harsh breath. He hadn't realized just how much stuff they had managed to cram in here when they moved and then all that they have accumulated since. Eddie never typically parks his truck in the garage but knowing Buck's fondness for his Jeep, he wants to clear a bay out for him to use. The task proves extensive and it takes him close to two hours before he calls it good enough.
As he pads down the hallway softly he is once again drawn in by the voices coming from his couch.
"Evan, what about your inheritance money from Uncle Dickie? You couldn't have gone through all of that already!" Maddie's tone is far from exasperated with her brother but she does carry a not of incredulity. Buck's response is what steals all of Eddie's breath from his lungs.
"I won't use that, Mads. I opened a college fund for Christopher - or anything he really wants really. I just want to help set him up for a great future you know? He's such a bright kid, he can do anything he wants!'
The adoration Buck holds for his kid never ceases to amaze Eddie. He has to lean on the wall behind him before his knees give out at the revelation of just how far Buck's affections run. The compassion he carries is stunning and Eddie isn't sure he's ever done anything good enough in his life to deserve Evan Buckley, especially given the last few weeks. He doesn't even bother to wipe away the tears forming in his eyes as he sinks to the floor slowly, trying to process what he's heard.
"Evan," Maddie's voice is softer now. " I know you love that kid. Everyone knows how much you love Christopher...and Eddie." He can almost see the imploring gaze Maddie is sporting from her side of the couch. In the hallway Eddie's breath hitches anticipation building in his chest.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself though. You're working too much, too hard and without taking care of yourself. You're burning out and I can't sit back and watch ok? Let me help you!" Maddie's tone takes a pleading edge.
There's a brief moment of baited silence, before a choppy sigh emits through the room. "I do love them. More than anyone thinks." Eddie's head falls into his hand, a smile breaking across his face. Sure this is not how he expected them to discover their feelings for each other but Eddie would not complain! A future is starting to spread out in front of his eyes with Buck next to him.
"I love you too Mads. I'm sorry I made you worry. " He can almost see Buck bury his head in his hands as he typically does during a long or difficult conversation. When he speaks again, its a barely audible whisper. So soft that Eddie has to strain to hear it.
" I don't know what to do. Sometimes it just would have made more sense if I wasn't here you know? If the bombing or the embolism or even the tsunami had just taken me out, there wouldn't be anything to worry about.'
This admission is what had Eddie rocketing to his feet again. He wants to take those words and toss them into a fiery pit and maybe throw himself in to boot. Buck should never have to feel this low and knowing that he played such a large role in it chips away at his own soul. He cling onto some hope only because before this devastating blow came the admission of love and Eddie is going to hold onto that hope of a future together as hard as he can.
He pulls himself forward on shaky legs, using the wall as a support. He doesn't have any type of plan in mind before he is tearing into the living room. Both Buckley's look up, startled at his abrupt arrival. He doesn't see Maddie anymore though, has eyes only for Evan. Evan who is looking at him with such bewildered concern that it hurts . Evan who is more worried about Eddie and his wellbeing - as if he didn't just leveled his one story home with the words he'd uttered only minutes before.
He's sinking to his knees in front of Buck before he even realizes he's made it to the couch already. And Buck is quick to lean forward to meet him, worry plastered openly on his face. He's always been easy to read. It's one of the reasons that Eddie fell so hard in the first place. Evan could never have had a malicious bone in his body. Why did they ever let him think that he was unworthy of them? Their love? Their attention?
Eddie understands now and it seems that the rest of the team are slowly drawing the same conclusion. The same understanding that the lawsuit was never about anything other than staying with his family. It was a desperate attempt of a lonely man but they're the ones who made him desperate enough to follow through with it. They should never have left him so alone after the embolism, the tsunami or even the lawsuit itself. They should have realized. They each know just the kind of person that Buck is.
Eddie lowers his head and rests it on Buck's knee with his hand wrapping around the calf of his scarred leg. He whispers, "I'm so sorry, Evan" steadfastly ignoring the slow fall of tears off his cheeks. He doesn't think he's ever cried so much as he has in the last few days. Not even when Shannon passed.
"Eds, you're kind of scaring me man. What's going on? Is Christopher ok? Is it Abuela?" Buck places his hands on Eddie's hunched shoulders squeezing them in an attempt to comfort Eddie as he falls apart in front of him. If Eddie had been brave enough to look up he would have been able to see Maddie quietly slip from the room - having a feeling about where this conversation was heading and wanting to allow them all the privacy they would need. Even if she was still very mad at them. She pulls her cell phone from her pocket as she goes.
Instead Eddie keeps his head bowed trying to collect his thoughts entirely overwhelmed by the emotional whiplash taking place, eyes trained specifically on a crumpled bit of paper wedged under the corner of the couch, grounding him. The silence stretches on for only a hair long enough to make Buck squirm a bit before he's asking again, "Eddie?"
Eddie in turn heaves a deep breath gathering all the courage he could muster. He raises his head - deep brown eyes meeting the soft blues openly holding adoration for a man undeserving. He blinks once - twice trying to clear the blurred edges of his vision.
"Everyone is ok. Everyone but you that is.' Eddie laughs humorlessly at the situation. He's just heard the best thing since Christopher's first cry immediately followed by the most devastating.
Buck smiles in confused relief. "What? What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine!" Buck winces at the look Eddie sports, mimicking Hen's own stern gaze from the day before.
"You are not fine Evan. You haven't been in a long time." With that Eddie raises one of his hands to cup Buck's cheek in an open display of more than platonic affection. He continues past Buck's mixed look of confusion, fear and hope.
"I wish you never had to feel this way. You are worth every bit of love we can give - and more. You're so special Evan - you're everything to me - and to Chris. I don't know how we would be able to keep going if anything happened to you. You have to promise me that when you're feeling so low you're thinking we'll be better off without you - you'll come to me. Or Maddie or Bobby or even that new guy Aaron! Just somebody ok? I - I can't - I love you Evan. So much and I can't -" Eddie chokes, voice clogged with emotion and frustration, feeling as though he is not doing a good job or articulating everything he needs Buck to hear. To know!
Buck's arms are wrapping around him then. It's not with the desperation one might expect but rather a feather light embrace. The smallest hesitation holding him back and it breaks Eddie's heart just a bit more. Buck's only just holding him, almost unsure if it's the right decision. If he's overstepping.
"I love you Eddie and I promise ok? I promise I will!" Eddie crushes him to his chest then, eliminating any doubt Buck could have that it was the right move.
"I'm ok Ed's. I'm gonna be ok. I promise." Buck clings to him then just as fiercely and slowly slides from the sofa to meet Eddie on the floor.
They stay like that for a long time, exchanging whispers of promises and love while tears slip from their cheeks. Some from happiness at finally sharing their secret burdens while others more so are those of regret and anguish for spending so long at odds with each other and the feelings they had tried so desperately to quash.
What feels like hours later sees the pair pulling back from the embrace but not apart, tears long dry leaving tracks down their faces. Eddie shifts from his knees to sitting on the floor directly across from Buck in the same position. Eddie keeps a hold of Buck's hands the whole time however, needing the contact to remain grounded.
Once they've managed to collect themselves enough to speak, Eddie decides to dive right in on the topics that they need to address.
"First, I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you right now, ok? I am so far gone on you Evan it hurts and drives me insane - but I don't want to rush into something if you're not ready ok?" At Buck's nod, he continues.
"I know your last therapy session didn't go as expected but I think we should give it another go?"
Buck swallows hard at the mention of his past transgressions and again nods finally speaking up. "I think that would be a good idea." He says this with a cautious smile but Eddie can read him like a book and knows Buck is sincere when he says this.
Eddie gives Buck's and a reassuring squeeze and shifts even closer to him. He takes a fortifying breath, "I know you love Christopher. Probably as much as I do." Eddie smiles at this, fond memories surfacing in his mind. "I know you love him, but that account you set up for him… I just wish you had kept enough for yourself at the very least." He won't say he wishes Buck hadn't done it because that was probably never an option to the younger man. "You're entirely too generous. I can't stand to think that while you've been starving yourself to get by you still held Christopher's future above your own needs. It's amazing and wonderful and so entirely you that I am almost unsurprised. But I wish you valued your own health and happiness the same." Eddie grimaced as the sudden image of Buck's sad little hovel of an apartment surfaced again.
Buck nodded upset that he had seemingly disappointed Eddie with his gesture. Maybe he had offended him! Maybe he was insulted that Buck could have thought him so irresponsible with his son's future! Eddie can see the shift in Buck's demeanor and is quick to address it. "I'm not upset that you've made this incredible gesture. I'm upset at myself for letting you feel so alone and cast out that you didn't feel you could ask for help." Eddie's voice is small in the end, nearly a whisper as he takes Buck's other hand back in his own gripping them tightly. He feels greedy in his enjoyment at the feeling of Buck's hands in his own. He doesn't want to let go. He brings one hand to his lips and plants a gentle kiss on the knuckles there.
"I promise that I'll change that. You'll never have to feel alone so long as I'm around. I won't leave you." Buck can't help the tear that finally breaks free and slides down his cheek. He really has been crying a lot these past few days. Eddie is saying all of the things he's wanted to hear for so long. All he wants is to believe him. Part of him still holds reservations, so sure that Eddie will realize at some point that Buck isn't what he wants. He's too damaged and broken and he's not worth the effort. And then he'll walk away - like so many others. And Buck won't be able to blame him then just like he couldn't blame him in the past few months during his isolation because he knows how much he is to handle.
Another, slightly more persistent part of him though is screaming so loudly it drowns out all of his reservation and doubt. His worries are overshadowed by this piece of him screaming to just let himself have this. Even if it hurts in the end.
Eddie releases his hand then and Buck immediately misses the contact. It's soon reestablished though as Eddie's hand caresses his face once more so gently as if he's afraid to break the man in front of him.
Buck decided then to be brave enough to let himself have this.
He takes both Eddie and himself by surprise when he pulls the older man closer to him. The desperation seems to have caught up to him as he crashes his lips to Eddie's. It's not the kiss he meant to share as their first but it's perfect in it's own way. He smiles into it when he feels Eddie wrap his arms around him and return the kiss once the initial shock has worn off.
A throat clearing interrupts them and Bobby gives them a smile from the doorway, happy that they had finally found their way to each other. Everyone in the fire house knew that this was the inevitable course of their relationship, ever since the two had climbed into that ambulance together so many years ago. This was not shocking to Bobby in the least.
"Sorry to interrupt boys, but I heard someone is in need of a little manual labor today?' At their confused glances, Maddie pipes up from the kitchen. "I called him to help out with moving your stuff. Chim's here too, he just didn't want to see you two making out.'
Buck ignores the gentle teasing being thrown his way and finally manages to meet Bobby's eyes. "I don't have a lot to move. I could probably do it on my own."
"You don't have to do it alone anymore Buck.' is the only response Bobby gives before he's ushering Buck out the door and into his vehicle with a plan in mind to get Buck's belongings including his Jeep back to the now Diaz-Buckley residence.
In their absence Maddie turns her gaze back to Eddie who is standing flushed in front of his couch. "I trust you with him, Eddie. Don't hurt him again ok?"
Eddie takes a step forward and grabs one of Maddie's hands in his own. "I promise to spend the rest of my life making this up to him. I won't ever take him for granted again. I just got him, Maddie. I'm not ever letting go again." The devotion on his face is enough to convince Maddie of his sincerity.
She gives his hand a squeeze before turning back into the kitchen where Chimney is sitting eating all of his snacks. " 'Bout time you and him finally figured your shit out." is all Chimney has to add on the matter. Eddie takes the ribbing playfully as intended and they set out to formulate a plan of action for the rest of the day.