Evan is nervous.
This is nothing to write home about because Evan is always nervous, his heart is always pounding against the inside of his ribs, his breathes are always coming out in short little huffs like he's run a marathon.
But now he's, like, hands shaking, sweat dripping, probably-going-to-puke-nervous. The last time he had been this bad was when his father called to ask if Evan wanted to spend Hanukkah with his family this year and Evan couldn't say no , exactly, because even though his father had run out on him a decade ago, he still wants to be respectful and he knows that his mom is pushing for him to have an at-least-passable relationship with his dad.
So instead, he hedged and hummed, pretending to need the dates, like he wasn't a Good Jewish Boy who would never forget Hanukkah and had the dates marked in his phone's calendar. And when his dad told him the dates he already knew , Evan kept silent, trying to think with all the whirling voices in his head that were all screaming out different excuses.
Sweat dripped down his back, soaking his shirt because every single excuse he thought only sounded completely ridiculous. He didn't realize he wasn't breathing until his head thumped painfully and he gasped in a breath that was too wheezy and gross and his dad heard that, didn't he?
And then his dad probably knew that Evan was trying to say no but was too cowardly to actually say it and he was going to hate Evan even more and never call because Evan's a Bad Son who doesn't deserve phone calls or letters.
Just as he stood at that brink of swirling, consuming panic, his mother saved him by snatching the phone outta his hand. She rattled off some excuse that Evan wasn't feeling too well and that no, he couldn't come to spend Hanukkah with him because her brother is actually coming from out of town and he really wants to see Evan. He hugged her for a very long time after that and she ran her hands through his hair soothingly, like he was still a little kid even though he was two inches taller than her now.
But this is different.
Because this is about Connor.
Connor, who he's been dating now for 5 months, 163 days to be precise.
Connor, who's going to be picking him up soon to take him to his house so they can have a fake camping experience in his backyard.
Connor, a gorgeous boy with sharp cheekbones and long fingers and pretty grey eyes, who told Evan last month that he was in love with him.
And at the time, Evan couldn't say it back. It killed him. He desperately wanted to say it back, wanted Connor to know how much he meant to Evan but his brain started whispering that Evan only ever ruins things and if Evan tells Connor he loves him, then Connor is going to be grossed out and break up with him and Evan's never been in love, how does he know what it's like?!
What if this isn't love and Evan's being stupid to even suggest that it is? What if he wasn't even attracted to guys and he was going to break Connor's heart? What if Connor realized how much of a shitty person Evan is and hated him for it?
Connor must have noticed his panic on his face and only smiled, knocking their shoulders together. He told him it was okay if he couldn't say it back because Connor only wanted Evan to know that he loved him and how much he meant to him.
And then it was fine and their normal day continued.
But a week ago, as Evan ate his pasta that he had slaved over for roughly ten minutes, he watched some home designing show, something that could keep his passing interest while also letting his mind wander. The host was showing off some big balcony covered in vines and trestles and he thought 'When me and Connor get an apartment, we need to have one of those.'
The funny thing was, he didn't even notice that he had thought. Instead, he started thinking about all the things his dream apartment would have. Big windows for maximum sunlight so he could have all the plants he wanted. A location near the edge of a city so he could walk to work or a coffee shop while still being surrounded by nature. Tall ceilings for Connor, who always complained that everything was built for short people.
A fully stocked kitchen with one of those island things in the middle because Evan always thought those looked nice. A bedroom with a huge double king bed that he and Connor could stretch out on. Neighbors who would wave and smile but never talk to him. Some floor-to-ceiling bookshelves for all of Connor's books.
Then he choked on his pasta (only for a second, thankfully) when he realized he was basically planning their apartment, not his apartment.
It had been so natural too. He didn't even stop to think 'Are Connor and I going to move in together?', no, it was just a fact that Evan already knew and accepted. His and Connor's apartment.
Because he is so desperately in love with Connor that he can't imagine not moving in with him and planning what they wanted in their apartment and decorating their place with stupid knick-knacks that they bought from weird thrift stores and cuddling on a vine-covered balcony as they watched the sun set.
He wants to fight over whose turn it was to do laundry. And adopt a cat that would no doubt like Connor more than Evan. He wanted to whine about the electric bill that was too much to Connor, who would sip his expensive coffee because Connor always said it tasted better even though it all tasted the same to Evan. He wants to come home and know that someone is waiting for him.
Evan is in love with Connor and that sentence has been waiting on the tip of his tongue since then.
It was probably a good thing that Evan couldn't see him until today, because then he'd blurt it out and even though he knew Connor would be happy either way, despite what his dread-filled brain says.
But he needed to stop and plan. Because the other day, when he met Connor in the school, he almost ran up to him and shouted that he wanted to adopt a cat with him.
Which would have probably just confused Connor. And he'd have gotten a cat too, even though his mother hates them, just to make Evan happy. (And also to piss off his parents, that would be a big part of it.)
No, it needs to be special . It needs to be something that makes Evan and/or Connor cry whenever he remembers it (for good reasons).
So when Connor mentioned that his parents were going to be out of town for a week and Zoe was spending a few days at Alana's, Evan in his best oh-so-casual-not-even-an-issue voice said, "We should have a sleepover, just the two of us."
For a moment, after he said it, he felt almost proud of his conciseness. Until he replayed the last minute in his head and found that was most definitely not what he said.
What he had actually said was "Oh, th-that's really- we should, like, do something, you know, but not like something, like, um, woo let's trash the place with a party , unless you-you want to do a party because I-I'll show up, I will, but we, um, we should do something together, like-like… camping."
It was almost frightening, how disconnected his mouth and his brain were. You could almost think they were separate entities that completely hated each other. He had no clue why his mouth had decided to say camping instead of sleepover , or why he had committed to a maybe-party without consulting the Anxiety part of his brain first but he already had and he didn't want Connor to think Evan is like, a flakey person who makes plans and then bails at the last second even though that's totally who he is and-
But Connor had smirked, no doubt an expert in Evan Speak, and said that Larry had a spare tent in the garage they could use. So now they were going to Connor's house, to set up the tent and watch the meager amount of stars around Penfield due to the light pollution and they would cuddle up. Then Evan could say it. It would be perfect, no matter what his brain would tell him.
It will be perfect.
For the millionth time, Evan checks his appearance. He's wearing a simple grey long-sleeved shirt with a black hoodie that used to belong to Connor. He almost wants to say he stole it because he likes the thought of himself sneaking into the Murphy household and taking Connor's clothes but he can't. Because Connor all but forced Evan to take it, simply saying that he really liked it when Evan wore his hoodies and how could Evan deny him that?
The pants are basic sweatpants, warm and cozy with ruffle cuffs, tight enough that he's sure no spiders will be sneaking up his legs while he sleeps and still loose enough that he's not panicking over loss of circulation. He fusses with his short hair one last time before sighing and heading downstairs.
Sitting on the kitchen counter is what could be called a 'care package'. When his mom heard his plans to have a fake camping trip with Connor, she had spontaneously disappeared for an hour before reappearing, bogged down by a copious amount of shopping bags. He had put up a half-hearted protest, secretly delighted by the gesture and together, they sifted through her purchases.
It was mostly snacks, the good kind that his mother would make him brush his teeth after having. But the true treasure was in the second bag.
A huge pink bag filled with marshmallows. The package on the front proclaimed that the marshmallows were kosher! He remembered how wide he grinned then, his lips still aching from the memory.
Back when he and Jared were just little kids, their mothers had taken them out on a nature walk. Evan had been elated while Jared had been… well, Jared.
But at the end of the walk, they were both excited to try S'mores, something neither of them had had before. But, unfortunately, they had been led away after Heidi explained that marshmallows were made with pork. It had been disappointing, to see all the other kids enjoying what they could not have. Even if they went out for ice cream afterward. It was something Evan had always envied in the gentiles. It seemed they got all the good treats.
But now his boyhood wants had come to fruition and he couldn't help himself. He had snapped a picture of the marshmallows, along with the chocolate and graham crackers and sent it to Jared.
His reply could only be described at angry key-mashing.
He checks one last time, smiling as he imagines him and Connor making S'mores together and checks the bag to make sure it won't give out when his phone pings.
Connor: im outside
Evan takes a giant breath. Because tonight is going to go well. No, it's going to go perfectly. He and Connor are going to eat too many S'mores, drink all the soda they could manage and Evan will tell Connor how much he means to him.
It will.