"Beatin' yourself up again?"

Gohan turned, surprised to see a visitor. But his eyes softened. "Hey Dad."

Goku flopped next to him by the lake. The moon overhead wasn't quite full but basked the area in an eerie white light. The woods loomed about them, shadowy guardians with the only noise the hoots of birds and chirps of crickets.

You could be forgiven for thinking you were all that existed in the world.

"When I didn't see you snoozin' with your brother, figured you be either here or on the roof. You're predictable."

Gohan smiled, a light one without passion. "I guess you do know me pretty well."

"Like to think so." Goku continued to look upward. "Enough that I can tell when you're attackin' yourself. You do that too much."

Sighing, Gohan flopped back on the grass, letting his feet trail in the cold water. "Can't help it, Dad. Know how much I've tried not to?"

"Prob'ly a lot." Goku shifted, turned on his side to face his son. His nearly grown son. He'd missed so much but the eyes that gazed back at him now were just as much a frightened boy's as when he'd left. "And you don't deserve any of it."

Gohan didn't answer for a long time. He just folded his arms behind his head and gazed upward at the stars. He and his father used to do this all the time when he was younger. He almost couldn't believe he had it back.

Goku, well used to how his son operated, keep still and silent.

Finally, just as he knew it would, the quiet pulled reasoning from Gohan.

"I did again. The same thing I did with Cell. I did it with Buu too." There was sorrow in his words and a gravity to them that made him sound like he was decades older than he was. "I should have learned from last time. Getting cocky just gets people killed. First you and now the earth itself."

Goku heaved a sigh himself. "Gohan, you can't keep blaming yourself."

"Then who DO I blame?"

"No one." Goku was adamant on this. "You made a mistake with Cell. With Buu too. But you didn't go in with the idea that you'd let people die. You did everything you could. Easy to see other ways once the battle's over and your blood isn't pumpin' a thousand miles an hour."

Gohan sat up, shook his head. "You say that like it's simple, Dad."

Goku sat up himself, gave a light shrug. "Because it is. Easy to get caught up in a new power, especially if you've been gettin' kicked around before hand. Can't blame you for getting lost in it. You didn't kill me. You didn't kill the others. You didn't kill earth. Put the blame where it belongs. On Cell. On Buu. Not you."

Gohan nodded but said, "Wish it was as easy as you make it sound."

The two sat there, contemplating a moment more. Goku wasn't usually one for these kind of conversations. Not because he never thought about these things but more because it was hard for him to articulate his thoughts. But with Gohan it had always been easier.

"You just gotta learn to forgive yourself," Goku lay a hand on his son's shoulder. "Took me a while to get the hang of it but it helps ya so much once you do."

Gohan blinked, surprised. "You? Dad, what do you have to blame yourself for? You've saved all of us more times than we deserve."

Goku leaned back, looked upward. "I've had my regrets. Those seven years. The extra time on Yardrat. Your great-grandfather."

Leaning on, Gohan asked "About Grandpa Gohan?"

Goku gave a nod. "You remember when I told you he was killed?"

Gohan considered then answered "Yeah, you told me it was a monster that came out on the full moon. That's why you never wanted me out on a full moon."

Shaking his head, Goku said "And I believed it for a long time. Until I fought with Vegeta and he transformed."

Gohan must have looked baffled.

"I never made the connection either. But the monster that killed Grandpa was me."

Paleness took Gohan's face. Yet Goku could see the boy making the connections. "When you were a kid and you still…oh, Dad!"

"Yeah," Goku accepted the embrace from his son. "That's about how I felt too."

"But you said you saw Great Grandfather a few times after! He never…" Gohan trailed off, realization catching up with his mouth.

"Don't think he knew a good way to tell me." Goku smiled. "How do you tell someone you love that they caused your death? Even if they didn't mean to?"

Gohan could imagine that. If he hadn't known his father had died at the Cell Games, how could anyone have told him?

"There's not a good way to do that." Gohan looked at his father, suddenly seeing him in a new light. Before, he'd just taken his words about Cell as simply being a loving father. It was what a parent did, just like Mom did her best to comfort him even when she was hurting so much herself.

Now though, if there was anyone that could understand him—understand the guilt and anger and shame and sorrow—

His father could.

"What did you do, Dad? After you realized? How did you…deal with it?"

Goku paused before he answered, taking the time to really consider how to phrase it. It had been such a tumultuous time—recovery, Namek, Freeza, losing Krillin, almost losing Gohan, discovering Super Saiyan and realizing he needed to control himself before he could go home. It was really only on Yardrat that he finally had time to process.

"I forgave myself."

He said it so simply, as if it was the only possible answer.

"Was hard. Felt real bad about it. Still do some times but Grandpa wouldn't have wanted me to be sad or blame myself. And that's no fun to feel all the time."

Oh, if he didn't understand that.

"So I thought 'bout it and figured…why was I beatin' myself up for something I didn't mean to do? When I saw you almost lose it when you transformed…I knew you'd never hurt anyone if you were in control. That musta been how I was." Goku looked at Gohan, deep in the eyes. "And why blame myself for somethin' I couldn't control?"

Gohan opened his mouth to respond but his father wasn't done.

"That was the hardest part, I think. Realizin' I wasn't in control. Hate that! If I ain't in control then I can't really protect people can I? Can't stop the bad guy from tearin' the planet up." He leaned over and pressed his forehead against Gohan's. "But sometimes, no matter what you do, you ain't in control. Ain't no changing that. So I work on controllin' what I can and when stuff happens that I can't do nothin' about…I forgive myself."

Gohan closed his eyes tight, relished in the closeness, in having the support of his father back in his life—physically and emotionally—but his throat choked. "How do I do that? How?"

"By 'membering you ain't perfect. That you don't have to be. Why do you hold yourself to some weird level no one else expects you to be?"

Gohan sighed. "Always be better. I can always be better—"

"Yeah. But we don't get better by yellin' and screamin' at who we were before. That just makes us feel bad. We get better by listenin'."

Gohan looked at him. "I want to do that, Dad. I really do. But I just think of what could have been—"

"That don't fix anythin'. Why not think about what we can do now? That you can do something about." He gently took hold of his son's chin. "There were times you were helpless, Gohan. Times you didn't have control. It ain't fair but it's true. So, accept it."

Fear. That's what this was. Took a long time to realize it but as his father spoke, it made so much sense. To forgive himself meant to release control. Both in the past and now. And control was how Gohan stayed safe.

"Dad…I want to. I think I need to but I…I'm…"

"Scared?"

He met the man's eyes with trembling ones, "Terrified."

"Well, good thing we ain't alone then, ain't it?"

Gohan dug his grip into his father's shoulder. He'd probably have broken anyone else's bones but Goku just pulled him tight into his chest.

"I…" Part of Gohan screamed in protest. Why did he have to do this? He was going to regret it. He needed control. He had to have it. Had to—

But Dad had done it. And Dad was home. And they were safe. Even though he'd been dead, he still found a way to come for him.

If there was anyone it was okay to be vulnerable with, it was Dad.

"I…did everything I could do." It hurt his throat, almost like he was sick. And he clenched his fists tight. "I couldn't do anything else. I was…"

Goku's grip held firm.

"I didn't have…I couldn't…I was helpless."

It was almost like exhaling after diving in a cold lake. His lungs burned. His shoulders ached, as if a weight he'd been lugging around was suddenly gone.

"And?" Goku laid his forehead on his son's.

"And I need to forgive myself." He shook his head. "I dunno if I'm there yet."

Goku shrugged. "You'll get there." He smiled. "If it helps, I never thought you did anything you need to be forgiven for. But if it helps…I forgive you. Forgave you the minute you did it."

If admitting helplessness was a breath of air, hearing that was collapsing to a soft bed after a marathon.

"Thank you, Dad." He looked up at him. "And I think Great Grandpa forgave you too."

Goku smiled. "I bet he did." Standing up, he pulled Gohan to stand, throwing his arm around his shoulder. "So let's do what would make him happy!"

"What's that?"

"Go home, eat and enjoy what we got."

"It's probably midnight…"

"I ain't gotten to eat a midnight snack as a live guy yet. Wouldn't mind company though."

"Count on it."