Is this what my life has come to? Ignoring or running away from my problems and pretending everything is alright?

If he was being completely honest, undercover work was a blessing. It always had been, even back in Seattle when he was pulled out of SWAT for his first operation, which had lasted a year.

It was dangerous and very ill-advised to let your sense of identity go, to toe the line between undercover and unsub. He knew that. But with the accumulating baggage that he'd been lugging around since he was born, it wasn't something he could help.

And so, when he was assigned to an overseas investigative taskforce? He could only view it as an escape from the hell that was his self-imposed isolation from the others and helplessness in the face of their grief.

Aaron Hotchner, a prosecutor-turned-federal-SWAT-agent-turned-profiler, was a man cursed with knowledge. Eight months ago, he disappeared into the world of espionage.

Michael Leconte, an attorney based in America, was the friend of a well-established French businessman. Eight months ago, he was introduced to the depravity of the mid-to-upper echelons of society.

One month ago, Michael Leconte left the depraved echelons of high society after having charmed his way into the good, corrupted graces of numerous people.

One month ago, Aaron Hotchner was extracted from the world of espionage and reintroduced to the world of sadists, psychopaths, and killers.

Are you not too a killer? Is your time under not proof that you should be lumped in with them?

The monster that wore the face of Michael Leconte in Europe and the Middle East was born in Seattle as Asher James, a corrupted prosecutor who had been looking to join the depraved of Seattle. Over the years, continued reinforcement had kept it at bay, only letting it peek out when a case or interrogation required it.

When he woke up in the hospital a few years ago with nine new scars, he noticed something was different. The cage was gone, but the monster was sitting, more docile than it had ever been.

He didn't give it much thought, only to realize too late that the monster was peeking through more and more often until it finally took over when he was confronted with Haley's dead body. Even then, there was no time to dwell on the implications: stepping up for Jack, the loss facing him and his colleagues, the sheer weight of the knowledge of Emily's survival consumed his being.

When did I become more monster than man?

"My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am an FBI agent. I am a profiler. My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am an FBI agent. I am a profiler. My name is—"

"Hotch?"

Hotch (monsterhotchmonster) froze in his steps, eyes staring blankly out the window and listening as the door was closed and footsteps slowly approached. He couldn't help but flinch at the feel of Rossi's hand against his back, stumbling forward as he was guided towards the couch.

My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am an FBI agent. I am a profiler. My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am an FBI agent. I am a profiler. My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am an FBI agent. I am a profiler.

"What happened overseas?" A glass was pressed into Hotch's hand as Rossi's voice floated over to him, muffled as if he was underwater.

He let himself fall into the dying flames of the whiskey going down his throat, slowly coming back to the present. "Where do you draw the line?" he finally asked.

"The line between what?"

"Undercover and unsub." The flames reignited momentarily with another sip from the glass. "I don't know where the line is anymore."

Rossi was silent for a moment, evaluating his next words. "Did you enjoy it?"

"How can anyone enjoy watching trafficking victims get taken advantage of?" Hotch shook his head. "But… charming my way into the good graces of the clientele, watching it happen, the lie felt so real."

"Aaron." When Rossi didn't continue, Hotch finally looked at the other agent. "You didn't enjoy it, you'd never enjoy it. You recognize it's a lie. You were undercover, you were not an unsub"

"I know," Hotch said quietly.

"Do you?"

Hotch looked away, unable to answer.

I don't. I really don't know anymore.

Who is Monster, and who is Aaron Hotchner?