Indiana Joker and the Batman of Doom
"I don't understand why people don't just retire gracefully," commented the Joker, as he glanced at the morning paper. "Just quit while you're ahead, at the pinnacle of your talent, rather than keep milking it with diminishing returns, until you're left with a pale imitation of your former glory which pollutes everything you did before."
"Who are you talking about, puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn, who was standing by the toaster.
"Oh, just this story in the paper I mentioned," he replied. "And also certain writers who might be working on this story about us now," he added under his breath. "I'm just saying, you get old and rich, so you should just quit your job and enjoy the time you got left," he continued. "That's the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love…"
"Puddin', I've told you, I don't want you quoting that anti-hyena propaganda movie," interrupted Harley, as she brought some burned toast over to the breakfast table. "I know the soundtrack's catchy, but you gotta resist it. Anyway, what if you love your job like you do? You couldn't just quit even if you got rich or old."
"Yeah, the fans would revolt and demand I come back, like Sherlock Holmes," agreed Joker. "I'm just too good a character to go away forever, and I'm very persistent. I refuse to leave the people who write about me alone, even when they're trying to concentrate on other things like writing their novel. Plus I seem to be eternally young and vigorous."
"You certainly are, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing his cheek as her hand slid down into his pants.
"Hey, don't do that – the kids could come in at any minute, and they don't need to see you with your hand down my pants!" snapped Joker, slapping her hand away. "We can be plenty vigorous later when they're at school!"
"Promise?" asked Harley. "It's just been awhile, puddin', and your Harley needs a good revving."
"Lucky for you I am eternally young and vigorous," muttered Joker. "You'd kill me otherwise with your constant demands for sex." But then he smiled. "But what a way to go, huh, dollface?" he chuckled, pinching her cheek as she sat down.
"Morning, Daddy – anything in the paper?" asked their daughter Arleen as she entered the room.
"Oh, y'know, the usual," said Joker, shrugging. "Crime, murder, and mayhem are all rampant, politicians are all crooks and liars, plagues, wars, and natural disasters abound, and endless sequels, prequels, and spinoffs are being greenlit by Hollywood. And that last one is probably the most tragic of all. I tell ya, there's just no originality left anywhere. Both creatives and audience members are so lazy nowadays that everything's just a cheap knockoff or parody of someone else's effort. They're all vampires sucking out other people's original ideas and corrupting them. Looking at you, Greenleaf," he added to no one in particular.
"Your father is upset because they're making a new Indiana Jones movie," explained Harley. "And you know how he feels about making new stuff several decades after the originals. Remember how he went nuts about Star Wars? First the prequels, and now this new trilogy…"
"Star Wars is very personal to me, and very close to my heart," interrupted Joker. "Closer than you'd think, in fact. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even be here without Star Wars – my whole identity is tied up in those movies. So when people try and ruin it, it's personal, I'm not gonna deny it. They made three Indiana Jones movies that were just perfect – why try and tempt fate by making another? That's hubris, and it's bound to end as hubris always does."
"I thought there are four Indiana Jones movies," commented Arleen, helping herself to some toast.
"There are three Indiana Jones movies," repeated Joker, firmly and loudly. "Only three were ever made. Anyone who says differently is confused or a liar, and should be killed instantly."
"O…K," said Arleen, slowly. "I won't ask how many Star Wars movies there are…"
"Everyone loves Star Wars, Dad, and everyone loves Indiana Jones," said their son, J.J., entering the room and grabbing a slice of toast. "Which is why they keep making 'em. Hollywood is a business, and you gotta make money somehow, and it's safer to milk a reliable cash cow than take a risk on something new that might not make you any money at all."
"I understand the logic behind it – I just think it's a crying shame," said Joker. "Since they probably won't do it right. The cash cow dries up fast if you can't appeal to the people who loved these things in the first place, the obsessive fans cultivated over generations. If you ruin the brand to appeal to fair-weather fans, you're done making money from it, and I think sometimes people forget that. I just have no faith in Hollywood anymore after how they portrayed your mother and I on the big screen."
"Well, you can't expect them to understand the complexities of our characters or our relationship," said Harley, shrugging. "They're idiots with no imagination, like you said."
"I wonder if I should send them my script," said Joker, turning his attention back to the paper. "I mean, it's better than anything they'll get from anybody else. But knowing Hollywood, they won't recognize its genius."
Everyone stared at him. "You wrote…a script for an Indiana Jones movie?" asked Harley, slowly.
"Well, kinda," said Joker, shrugging. "It's called Indiana Joker and the Batman of Doom."
"And you've never showed me this before?!" demanded Harley. "After all our years together?!"
"I didn't think you'd be that interested," said Joker, surprised.
"Are you insane?! Of course I'm interested!" snapped Harley.
"Yeah, me too!" exclaimed J.J. "Go get it, Dad, and we'll skip school to help you act it out! Then we can film it and send it to Hollywood!"
"Oh, we're gonna need more than you three to act it out," said Joker. "It's got a wide and diverse cast of characters."
"All based on people we know?" asked Arleen.
"Yeah," agreed Joker.
"Great! Then we'll call them!" she exclaimed, grabbing her phone. "Come on, let's do this! Making a movie will be a lot more fun than school!"
"Well, we're not gonna get Bats to go along with this movie, and he's in it, as you can see from the title," said Joker.
"Ok, but we can have someone fill in for him," said Harley. "Maybe Harvey – he's a similar build, and with the mask on, you can't tell he's only got half a face."
"All right, why not?" said Joker with a smile. "Just let me get the cast list so we know who to invite. I should remember, but it's been a lotta years since I looked at it."
"I bet it's amazing," sighed Harley, as Joker left the room. "Your father is so talented at everything. Nothing he does is less than amazing."
"Yeah, we know you think that, Mom," said Arleen, rolling her eyes. "But I'm with you on this one – Dad's always been a great storyteller, and a great protagonist in his stories. Who doesn't love a wisecracking comic relief, especially in an action movie? All the classics have smart aleck rule breakers with clever one liners. Die Hard, James Bond, The Mummy…"
"Yeah, it's better than the gritty and serious action stuff," agreed J.J. "What's the point of punching people if you're not gonna have a little fun with it? And a perfect punchline, of course."
"You'd have to ask Batman," retorted Joker, returning with a script in his hands. "Now gather round and let's do a table read before we call in the peanut gallery, and you can tell me what you think. Let me know if there's anything you think needs to be tweaked before filming. I value your opinions, except yours, Harley," he added.
"Why not mine?" demanded Harley.
"Because you're gonna think it's perfect, just like everything I do," sighed Joker.
"Well, isn't it?" demanded Harley.
Joker smiled. "Let's see," he said, turning the title page.