The paint night idea for this story was given to me as somewhat of a writing challenge, and both Julie and I agreed it could be fun. All familiar characters and events belong to Janet. Mistakes are solely mine.
Before we got out of Ranger's Cayenne, I leaned over the console towards Julie. "Remember, it doesn't matter how bad or well you paint, tonight your job is solely to keep me from jamming the pointy-end of a paintbrush in my eye."
"Jeez, Steph," she said, rolling her eyes. "It's only an hour with your sister. Even I can handle that with my siblings … and I'm a teenager."
"Yeah, but we both know you're way more mature than me. Plus, your family isn't insane. Valerie went from being the 'perfect sister' to 'mom of everyone'. I bet you ten bucks she tells me I can't have a glass of wine even though she's driving us there and back … in the Mom Mobile," I said, pointing to Val's hybrid car-thing that looks too much like a minivan for my liking.
"Dad told me I'm not allowed to accept any bets from you," she replied, sounding exactly like Ranger's daughter would.
"I meant that figuratively."
"No you didn't," she stated, opening her door so I had no choice but to follow her out of my comfort zone and car.
This is our trial run-trip to see if I can keep Julie alive without a psycho being involved, and I can't lose sight of her or it'll be our last girls night.
"You're late," Valerie told me after Julie rang the death-bell. "Albert can only handle one hour of babysitting at a time. Clock's ticking."
"Sounds like something he really should've considered before making a baby with a woman who already had two kids. And I'm not late. I told you we'd be here at five, and here we are."
"It's five o' two," my perfect sister/annoying mom informed me. "That makes you late."
"Technically, we were here two minutes early. I just needed Julie to promise me that'd she'd keep me from killing myself or you tonight before we left the safety of the car."
My sister cut her eyes to Julie. "Are you sure your father is okay with you hanging out with her?"
I found myself at the business end of a thumb-point to make sure Julie realized that Val's referring to me, like it wasn't just the three of us out here.
"Yup. Dad even told me to have a good time … and to keep an eye on Steph."
Valerie smiled for the first time since out arrival. "You and I are going to get along great. Let me just get my things."
She disappeared back into the bowels of the Kloughn home and I once again bent my head close to Julie's. "Are you sure you want to do this? The car's right there. We can just take off and head to Shorty's for pizza or something else … anything else."
"Relax, this is gonna be fun."
"Sure it is. The last time your Dad said something like that to me … I had to stun an FTA in the butt to keep him from stealing my car."
Her grin did have me relaxing a little after all. Sure, I'll be with my family … but I have this kid to keep me company ... and sane. I'll be fine.
Or so I thought. Valerie's 'things' included the suitcase she calls a purse, two of my nieces, and my freakin' mother!
"What the heck, Val?!" I almost shrieked. "What's she doing here? And when did your home turn into the house-equivalent of a 'clown car'? Is anyone else gonna come spilling out of it? Lula? Connie? My fifth-grade teacher?"
Val introduced the tone I recognize as the one she uses when Lisa's throwing a tantrum in an aisle of the grocery store. "I thought you'd bolt if you saw Mom's car in the driveway, and now I know I was smart for picking her up ahead of time. Angie invited her, what was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know … uninvite her and then circle your house with salt and Holy Water so she can't get near it again?"
"Honestly, Stephanie," my mother said, sounding ready to ruin the night before it even started, "do you always have to be so dramatic?"
Julie grabbed my hand as it was moving towards my belt loop. "You can't hit that. Your panic button is for emergencies."
"That's why I was going to press it. I can handle Val with you, Mary Alice, and Angie running interference. All bets are off when it comes to my mother."
"Would you prefer I stay behind?" My mom asked.
"Duh! I thought I was pretty clear about that."
"Don't you worry, Stephanie … I'm comin' along too," said Grandma Mazur, being exiting Val's house as well. "I wonder if they'll let me paint one of them nude models?"
"This is a Paint 'N Sip class, Grandma," Val explained. "It's all-ages friendly except for the optional wine, so that would be a no. We'll be painting beaches or full moons …"
"The butt kind of 'moon'?"
I glanced at Julie. "It'll only take one or two seconds for your Dad or RangeUncle to come rescue us."
"No. This will be fun," she repeated.
From her lips to Grandma Mazur's God's ears, but I'm thinking of an entirely different F-word than 'fun' to say right now.
"I call shotgun!" Grandma yelled, heading to Val's poor excuse for a vehicle.
"I really think Mom should sit in the passenger's seat," I suggested. "She could get car sick if she sits in the back."
Val shot me a put-upon frown. I shrugged in reply. If tonight has any hope of being tolerable … my mother has to be as far from me as I could get her.
"I call the seat next to Julie!" Mary Alice shouted next.
"But she's here as my guest, you can't hog her," I argued.
"Three people can sit in the middle seat," Julie told us, after getting a glimpse into Val's vehicular-monstrosity. "I can sit in-between both of you."
"And Grandma and I can sit behind you three," Angie said.
"That works for me," I said.
It felt like I was riding the school bus all over again as I made a beeline for the seat where I'll be surrounded by the cool kids, not the nose-pickers or name-callers. Maybe tonight won't be the clusterfuck that'll cost me a closer relationship with Julie.
The drive to the studio wasn't too excruciating, solely because my nieces and Julie had tons of stuff to talk about, and ninety-percent of it I found interesting so I could join in at will or just stay quiet to prepare for an evening spent within shouting distance of my mother.
"Good evening," the woman who owns 'The Painting Patch' said when we all filed inside her art studio. "Thank you for coming. Am I correct in assuming you're the Kloughn party?"
"Clearly," I said under my breath.
Val shot me a 'be quiet' look before addressing the woman who has no idea of the potential bomb she's just allowed into her establishment. "We are."
"Well, welcome. For first timers, there are three 'beginners' paintings to choose from. I'll give you a few minutes to look them over and decide which one you'd like to try. I'll demonstrate all three side by side so you don't have to worry about finishing before or after somebody else."
"What a show-off," Grandma whispered to me.
I have to agree, since I have less experience with painting than I do with cooking, and I really suck at trying to produce anything edible.
"I think I'm going with the Northern Lights painting," Julie told me. "Dad's seen them so many times, and he told me he'll fly me anywhere I want to go if I want to see them too."
My heart ached for two reasons. One, because she has two dads plus a Mom who want to protect her, but also give her the world … and apparently front row seats to the most beautiful parts of it. But also, my love for her RangeDad just got dialed up a notch for being the type of guy Julie will measure all potential boyfriends by. Yeah, they'll come up short, but at least the bar for what she deserves is set at the tippy top.
"Feel free to swing by my apartment and pick me up on your way outta town," I teased.
"You're joking, but I'd be happy if you came too … and I know Dad would love it."
"It's a date then. So, what should I pick?"
"How about the flowers?" She asked.
I was already shaking my head. "Flowers belong in the ground, not on a table or in paintings of them on a table."
She nodded like she knew this. "Dad's said that you're not like most women. He told me that you don't want him to buy or send you flowers."
"I have enough responsibility keeping Rex alive, I don't need the added stress of watering and feeding freakin' flowers that could've taken care of themselves if nobody had cut them."
"Makes sense."
"Are you laughing at me?" I asked her.
"Yup. But I'm doing it with love in my heart."
My eyebrows went up. "Are you back to watching Hallmark movies again? We really need to wean you off them if you are."
"Maybe, I am. Look, you can pick a pie …"
"Say that five times fast," I said to bug her.
"No thanks, but I suggest you go with anything involving food so you'll be able to concentrate on it."
"Blueberry Pie on a windowsill it is," I decided.
I picked a stool across the room from my mother and Val, and Julie and Mary Alice joined me. No surprise, Mary Alice's choice was a horse even though that wasn't one of the options. I gave her a thumbs-up for always choosing to color outside the lines … or painting outside them in this case.
All was going well, or as well as it can go when you can't paint worth shit, but my mother's voice got consistently louder and louder as the hour passed. Val's shooshes and Grandma's kicks under the table did nothing to quiet or slow her down.
"He's not even her father. Didn't he sign his rights away when she was just a toddler? And now she's supposed to be part of the family?"
"Mom," Val hissed as a warning.
"What? We're all thinking it."
"Not me," Grandma said. "That kid's a cutie. Reminds me of Stephanie when she was a girl …"
"That's supposed to be a compliment," I informed Julie with a shoulder-nudge. "Now, when the police arrive, tell them I was acting in self-defense."
I started to get up, intending to do whatever it took to shut my mother up, but Jules grabbed my wrist. "Don't you see it, Steph?"
"See what?"
"That your mom feels threatened because you have a family that's not hers. She can't stand it."
"You think?"
"Yeah. Give her another minute and she'll probably admit it."
Sure enough, my mother's voice rose again. "Stephanie won't get anywhere in life if she marries that man," my mom was mock-whispering to Valerie. "Parading around a child, who was essentially made out of wedlock, as his own is just plain insulting to those of us who believe in the proper order to start a family."
"Promise me that everything I do in the next five minutes will conveniently be erased from your memory," I said to Julie.
"Don't listen to her, Steph. My parents love me, and so does my RangeDad. What she says doesn't bother me except that she's insulting who my Dad is."
"I'm on it," I told her.
"Steph … don't …"
I was too angry to listen. "If you have something to say, Mom, say it to me … and leave Julie and Ranger out of it. It's not our fault you only like people who'll follow you like lemmings, or worse … those who choose to be as miserable as you are. Ranger will never fall into that category … and I won't be there either. Julie's worth ten of you."
"Especially if you get a look at what she painted," Grandma Mazur told us. "You've got talent, young lady."
That gave me the distraction I needed to keep my head from exploding, and I went back to the easel Julie had been trying to keep hidden.
"Wow," I said, the awe I felt was clear in my voice. "Jules, this is amazing! I'm looking at a photo even though I saw your paintbrush moving."
"Stop. It's not that good."
"It really is, Julie," Angie told her. "My art teacher would be all over this and be talking to you about what you could paint and submit to the art fair."
"Painting pictures is an appropriate hobby for young ladies," my mother was saying to the table, literally to … the … table, she doesn't like to make eye contact when she's being especially bitchy, "but you can't make a living from it. That's if you want to put having a family on hold while you go off and try."
"Mom," I warned. "Julie, and Angie, Mary Alice, and Lisa too, can do anything they want. Newsflash, it's not the 1950s anymore. Women can have kids, a career, or both if we want to."
"Not if you are into 'the arts'."
I took a deep breath and then another one, but they didn't help. Valerie must have sensed this, or saw my eyes flash red and my head about to rotate, because she moved in.
"Steph," she said, and her approach reminded me of when I'd talked a skip off the mall's second floor balcony.
Like any sane person would do, I ignored her. "You can say whatever you want about me, or my supposed limitations, but you're to leave Julie and my nieces alone to do their own thing."
"I don't see what you're so upset about. I'm not saying anything a respectable gallery owner would tell her."
"It's okay," Julie told me.
"It's not. Your parents and I are trying to make sure you know that you're always to do you. And my own mother is trying to undermine the confidence and pride we have in you."
"You forget that I'm my Dad's daughter. I don't pay attention to outside noise. You don't have to worry, I'm not stupid. I'm going to do what makes me happy … whatever that turns out to be."
"Oh my," our instructor said, looking towards the front entrance.
Like it was choreographed in advance, we all glanced at the door too, watching Ranger and Tank enter the building that seems a lot smaller with them now inside it.
I cut my eyes to Julie. "I thought you told me that this didn't qualify as an emergency," I said, knowing she must have sent out the Bat Signal at some point.
"It wasn't until Mrs. Plum threw some shade at me. Only me and Dad know what you will do in order to protect me. I didn't want something so dumb to cause a Scrog-sized problem."
"Your painting skills are not dumb," I assured her, "but good call on getting your Dad here."
Ranger is the only one who can talk me down from any interaction I have with my mother.
He rested his hand on Julie's head and used it to spin her into him for a hug, while he slid his other arm around me to do something similar. Jules and I were facing each other across Batman's chest.
"What happened?" He asked us. "I didn't know what could happen at a painting studio, but knowing the two of you, I brought Tank as backup just to be on the safe side."
"Val failed to mention my mother was tagging along," I explained, really the only one I need to give.
"Steph was doing okay until Mrs. Plum said I couldn't have a family plus an art career."
Their expressions didn't change, but I know both Ranger and 'Uncle Tank' were suddenly confused. "This is the first I've heard of my teenage daughter having children and a planned career path."
"No shit. The guys and I were hoping you'd run Rangeman when the Boss finally decides to retire," Uncle Tank added.
"Exactly!" I said in agreement. "Jules has options … lots of them. And no one gets to choose for her or bully her into changing her mind." I glared at my Mom and then pointed at Mary Alice and Angie. "That goes for you two too. If anyone tries, you call me."
"And then you call me," Ranger added, pressing a kiss to the top of my head, "so I won't need my lawyer to get you off any charges brought against you."
"I make no promises," I told him.
He bent his head lower so he could speak directly into my ear. My entire body was covered in goosebumps from the heat of his breath warming me and it teasing the curl that managed to escape my ponytail.
"That's alright, Babe. I know how to 'coax' a promise out of you."
I forgot for a moment where we are and who's watching us. I was distracted picturing Ranger at his most persuasive … which usually meant he was naked and very close to me.
"Ummm," I started to say, needing to clear my throat and my head before I could continue. "Jules, grab your masterpiece, you too girls. I say all our hard work deserves some of Shorty's special pizza. Your mom can make sure Grandma Plum gets home okay."
"What makes Shorty's pizza so special?" Angie asked me.
"He'll say it's his hand-crushed-tomato sauce, and dough that's made to order, but I'd argue that it's special because you can literally order anything … and Shorty will make it for you. And it'll actually taste good. One night I couldn't decide if I needed cake or pizza, and he made me a pie that was half confetti cake-rolls/half pepperoni. He has it listed as 'Plum Craving' on the menu if you wanna try it."
"Ewww," Angie said, but Julie and Mary Alice looked intrigued.
"What about me?" Grandma Mazur asked. "I want special pizza too!"
I looked up at Ranger. "Are you guys still on duty?"
"No, but we came in my truck. It seats six if we're willing to push seat belt guidelines."
"I can …" Tank began to say, but I cut him off.
"No, there's no room for nobility where pizza is concerned. You're eating with us."
"It's okay, Steph," Val told me. "You and Julie can head out with them. I'll take Grandma and my girls. We'll drop Mom off at home, pick up Lisa, and meet you there. Order two of whatever you get. I have a feeling I'll need a lot of carbs by the time I get there."
I nodded. "That settles it. Tonight's family night at Shorty's."