Peruvian Rainforest – 1936
The temple was covered in plants of all kinds. A mass of vines, creepers, and tropical flowers nearly buried the structure so that it looked like a part of the jungle itself, consumed by the surrounding undergrowth.
But a structure it was, because the machete which had been cutting through the wilderness suddenly collided with stone. The scraping sound of metal on rock made the man wielding the blade smile a wide, red-lipped grin.
"Found you, Hiedra Venenosa," he muttered to himself, as he felt along the stone beneath the entangling jungle vines, hacking at them to reveal more of the temple. Its walls were covered in carvings and words of an ancient language. The man couldn't read these, but he could see the pictures of a beautiful woman ripping out the heart of an unfortunate man and then devouring it. "Bad breakup, I guess," he commented, shrugging as he continued to hack.
At last, the wall of stone ended, and a great, black void was revealed through the remaining curtain of vines. "Ready or not, here I come," said the man, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a cigarette lighter with a Joker playing card on it. He reached into his bag to pull out a torch, lit it, and then carefully felt his way into the temple.
"I hope there aren't any booby traps in here – I can't see my hand in front of my face," he commented to himself. It was at that moment that he put his foot down on a stone which sank into the ground with a sickening crunch.
"Oh, that can't be good," he said, looking around warily. He hit the dirt as poisoned darts launched from the walls of the temple, landing right where he had been standing.
"Told you," he muttered to himself, trying to carefully pick his way over any tripwire stones in the near-complete darkness. Suddenly, the path ended in a steep drop, and he looked down to see a bunch of spikes and impaled skeletons at the bottom. He looked around, and then grabbed a vine that was clinging to the wall of the temple – he used this to swing over the chasm, landing on the other side.
"Piece of cake," he said, dusting his hands off. "Reminds me of the time I did that with the princess in space. Now all I gotta do is find this idol…"
He trailed off as he turned around to see himself surrounded by a group of men, all carrying spears pointed straight at him. They were dressed mostly in plants, and their eyes seemed to have a strange, green glow. The man waved at them. "Hello!" he said, slowly and loudly as he gestured to himself. "My…name…is…Indiana…Joker…adventurer…and…comedian…extraordinarie! Can…you…take…me…to…this?" he asked, pulling out a piece of paper and showing it to the men.
They looked from it to him. "Take…me…to…this!" Joker repeated, pointing at the picture. "Comprende?"
They all looked at each other, and then one of them nodded, beckoning Joker forward. "Honestly, this would have been a lot easier if I'd just brought someone who speaks Spanish with me," said Joker. "But he'd probably betray me and all, since people seem to do that when treasure is involved. Anyway, I work best alone. Always have, always will."
The men led him into a vast chamber covered in plants of all kinds…and a large golden idol in the midst of them. "The idol of the ancient goddess of nature and death, Hiedra Venenosa," said Joker, approaching it and picking it up to study it. "I never quite understood why she was goddess of both of those things…"
"Because there is nothing more natural than death," said a female voice from the shadows. "But personally, I prefer to bestow unnatural deaths. Especially to any man who dares enter my sacred temple."
Joker turned slowly to see a beautiful red-haired, green-skinned woman emerge from the surrounding foliage, which bowed around her as if she controlled it. "Sometimes I enslave them with a kiss," she said, gesturing to the green-eyed men, who sank to their knees in front of her. "And sometimes I prefer a little more gruesome sacrifice to appease me. You may have seen the pictures on the walls outside."
"Yeah...but I kinda thought it was more metaphorical heart eating," said Joker, slowly. "You know, the artist's girlfriend left him, and he depicted her ripping out his heart and eating it to illustrate the pain…"
"Oh, there will be pain," said the woman, smiling at him as the plants surrounded her. "Not for me, of course, but for my victims. But my babies and I need nourishment in order to survive – even a goddess cannot live forever without food of some kind."
Her plants suddenly seized one of the kneeling men, dragging him to his feet, and Joker watched in horror as the woman came over to him, and sank her hand into his chest. The man screamed as she very calmly withdrew his beating heart, and then sank her teeth into it. The man kept screaming until she devoured it all, and then stopped moving. The plants began consuming the rest of the body as she wiped her lips free of the blood which stained them.
"Well, seems like you've just…topped up your gas tank there," said Joker, slowly. "You're probably full now, and you probably want a nap - I know I always do after eating a big meal. So I'll just take this idol and go…"
"You will go nowhere," interrupted the woman, shooting her hands out so that the plants blocked his exit. "You will be punished for trying to steal my sacred idol. I think I will keep you just alive enough to feed on your flesh and innards so that you will feel every bite, and the agony of being slowly digested before receiving the gift of death. A man who tries to steal from me must suffer no less than the worst torment. It's nothing personal, mortal, although I have a feeling that if I knew you better, it would be."
Joker reached for the whip at his side, snapping it at the approaching vines. But there were too many of them for one whip to deflect, and soon his arms and legs were bound at his sides. "Now come to Mother Nature," murmured the woman, approaching him. "And embrace your destruction."
"See, this is the problem with being an adventurer and comedian extraordinaire," sighed Joker. "Men want to be you, and women just want you. Well, sorry to disappoint you, toots – I'm just not feeling a spark between us," he said, reaching into his pocket and holding his cigarette lighter against the paper illustration of the idol.
The paper caught fire quickly, and the plants reeled back, releasing him. "No!" shrieked the woman, as he threw the burning wad of paper into the plants. The leaves went up in flames instantly, and Joker raced out of the chamber to the furious screams of the plant goddess. He snapped his whip around a mass of vines, leaping over the gap with spikes at the bottom, when he heard a rumbling noise behind him. He looked up to see a giant boulder racing down toward him, and he ran as fast as his legs could carry him toward the exit. He couldn't afford to carefully pick around the booby traps, so he had to dodge the poisoned darts as he ran, tumbling out into the sunlight and rolling out of the way of the boulder that followed him out.
He sighed in relief, examining the idol. "Piece of cake," he repeated, smiling as he tossed it between his hands. But then his smile fell when he saw the green-eyed men pouring out from the temple after him, spears and blow-guns raised, and followed by a very angry looking goddess.
"I wish I'd stop jinxing myself like that!" he exclaimed, leaping to his feet and running into the jungle. The men followed him, still trying their best to hit him with projectiles. The goddess merely raised her hands, and the trees around him and above him shot branches out to try to grab him. It seemed like the whole jungle was alive, and trying to kill him.
He had left his plane floating on the water of a nearby lake, and raced to the propeller, pushing it repeatedly to get it to start. "C'mon, baby, don't let me down!" he hissed, as the plant tendrils slid across the water like snakes trying to seize him.
The plane engine suddenly roared to life, and Joker let out a cry of triumph, leaping into the cockpit and taking off. The vines reached out to try to grab the plane, but it escaped their grasp, flying higher into the sky.
"Thanks for the shiny new toy, Weed Lady!" shouted Joker, holding up the idol and smiling at the plant goddess, who glared at him from below. "See ya around, toots!"
He chuckled to himself as he turned back to the front of the plane, and his face fell in horror as he saw a black cloud of birds speeding toward him. As they got closer, he realized they weren't birds – they were bats.
"Son of a…" he began, but then the bats hit the plane, screeching and biting and tangling up in the propellers. Miraculously, the plane didn't crash, and as the Joker pulled it up higher to triumphant theme music, the bats dropped off as the air grew too thin for them. Joker relaxed at last, sighing in relief as he set a course for home, smiling at the idol in his hands.
"Well, things got a little hairy there for a second, no pun intended, but all's well that ends well," he commented to the idol. "And hopefully that's the last I'll be dealing with bats for a very long time."
He leaned back and put a cigarette to his lips, and then felt around for his lighter. "Where is that thing?" he demanded, searching his pockets and then the plane. "Don't tell me I dropped it in the temple - that's my good luck charm!"
He hunted on the floor of the cockpit, and then got up to check under the seat. As he did so, the idol rolled across the seat, and when he lifted it up, it dropped over the edge of the plane. "No, no, no!" shouted Joker, rushing to grab it, but it was too late. He watched the idol fall down out of sight, and hit the water far below. Then he sat back down slowly. "Well, I ain't going back for it," he muttered, tossing the unlit cigarette over his shoulder after it. "I'll just tell Tetchy a rival archaeologist stole it or something. Anything but the truth."