There is only one god, and his name is Death.
And there is only one thing we say to Death: not today.
- Syrio Forel (Game of Thrones s1e6)
He entered the world in the dead of night towards the start of winter, after the mother spent over twenty hours in labor. The father, passed out after too many drinks, was woken in time to hear the ear-splitting cry of the newborn. Faced with the dark eyes and dark hair that was so like his own, he could only turn away, hating the newborn's innocence with a burning passion.
When the father gave closing statements only hours later that day, exhaustion overtook him. And so, the mother locked herself and the newborn in the nursery in fear of the vengeful phantom that alcohol made of the man who vowed to love and to cherish the woman.
Thus the next years were spent like this, the mother locking the door to the toddler's room, reading story after story and waiting out the phantom. The innocence of youth was the only barrier protecting the toddler, one which dissipated the moment he turned four.
Their first dance was when he was eight and had collapsed in class after having spent hours struggling to breathe through the cracked ribs and move through the concussion that had been gifted to him by his father. When he woke up in the hospital, it was to the sight of both of his parents watching over him worriedly, but one's expression was too vacant, and the other was hiding a familiar rage.
That wasn't the last time his father put him in the hospital. It was easy to write off—who wouldn't believe the only lawyer in town, who had done so much for his community?
Those that didn't believe kept their mouth shut for fear of their reputation being sullied.
The little brother, young as he was, had no idea the power that he possessed. Ever since his birth, the mother's skin remained unblemished and free from the bruising that was often there before, when she only had one child.
It was easy to play to the reputation the town had given the eldest. Silent and cold, stealing the joy out of everyone near him just as the dark of the Winter steals the light of the Summer, just as the father stole pieces of his being with every blow and every hospital visit.
He had already danced with Death many times before in his short life thus far, but now they were here to take his father away. He stood at the gravestone a few days later with a bottle of vodka he knew his father had hidden amongst his desk drawers. Now the eldest male in the household, the responsibility fell on his back and dragged him down into the depths of vodka and glass shards.
His Spring found him lying there, passed out with cuts on his arms as his mind was elsewhere, dancing with Death. She was relieved to see that they weren't deep, and so she called her sister to help her bring him back to their house.
When he woke up with a pounding headache and throbbing arms, he saw the relief of his Spring. As she spent time with him in the days after Death took his father and reminded him of the light in the world with each dark secret he confessed, he fell in love all over again, just as the Spring coaxes the Winter into the light.
Later, he would think of the mottled red that had stained his father's face and the unpleasantly warm, alcohol-tainted breath that washed over him as he stood in front of the wild, untamed man and took the abuse that was sent towards him as he was blamed for the man's failures. He would think of the wide-eyed joy that his little brother explored the world with and his mother's skin that had remained unblemished since his little brother came into the world.
He wouldn't be touching vodka ever again.
He spent more time at her house, no matter how out of place he always felt amidst a family that was so close and open to each other, and slowly, his Spring taught him about the light of life.
They were lessons he strove to keep in the forefront of his mind in college and law school, even as he stared cheap alcohol and razor blades in the face with shaking hands. He went dancing with Death once, early in college, but he remembered her fear and worry despite the throbbing pain he felt.
He was dumping the alcohol down the drain as soon as he could and making it a habit to put his razors out of sight. He made sure she never found out about that one.
It was freeing to be in college and law school—Death did not reach him there. But soon he was graduating with a Juris Doctor degree and throwing himself into prosecuting crimes with a vengeance.
His father had once walked the same halls he was walking, and that was something he was reminded of each time he was addressed by his—his father's—last name. Death walked in with each case, a silent spectator as he worked long hours to get offenders put away, to get justice for the victims who were sent into Death's waiting arms far too early in life.
But it wasn't always that easy. He knew that going in, but it didn't take away that terrible feeling as he watched a jury buy into the misogynistic song and dance the defense put up in a rape case. As the defense uncovered some shady investigation on the police's part and managed to get the whole case thrown out. As he watched a young man get sentenced for killing his abusive parents. As he watched an older brother get sentenced for assaulting a police officer that had assaulted his younger sister while that same police officer walked free with only his badge stripped and a year of house arrest.
Death walked the halls with him, with each case that he tried and with each new victim whose name and face he kept in the forefront of his mind. Young as he was, he was already one of the more jaded prosecutors in the office, His work ethic earned him numerous nicknames, and talk flew around about him potentially becoming the youngest district attorney in the county.
But the children…
The final straw came and went. Eight months after a serial pedophile walked free, with four years of prosecution under his belt and talk about him becoming DA, the youngest in county history—he threw it away and started over at the Academy.
A fresh start. He loved Virginia, but he fell in more love with the Pacific Northwest. The cool weather, the beauty of the temperate rainforests, and the scenic coastline were so different compared to the ghosts that haunted him back east. His and Haley's first anniversary was a memory he would cherish forever; the picture never left his wallet
Two years of trying to solve cases before they got as bad as they were when they came across his desk in the prosecutor's office and being part-time in the local field office SWAT unit hadn't snuffed out the strange love he had for the region. Though he was more often calling Death to him to sweep the offenders he was hunting away, he did come close to dancing with Death a few more times—he was quite good at close quarters, but his true specialty was distance.
It was oddly comforting, though, to know that even as changes continued to happen, some things remained the same.
Only a week after his superior gave him a heads up about potential recruitment to the tactical team out in Quantico, he met David Rossi in San Francisco on a five-year-old cold case. He didn't miss the look of surprise that appeared on the older agent's face in reaction to his theory about the killer.
He had heard of the BAU and had listened to some of their lectures at the Academy about profiling—the confusion he felt at hearing about the years of training members of the team went through was reignited when Rossi started waxing poetic about an instinctual ability weeks later when they were at a bar after the case was declared cold.
That theory he had presented when he first met Rossi didn't feel like an instinctual gift, and he said as much to the other agent. Nevertheless, he and Haley were back in Virginia just months later—she was teaching at a local high school and he was the newest member of the BAU.
And so he danced, and he learned of the many faces Death had. He danced as Gideon started grooming him for leadership weeks after Rossi retired. He danced as Morgan brought his unending stubbornness and heart of gold. He danced as JJ and Garcia brought reminders of the light that was still in the world. He danced as Reid brought his own brand of uniqueness and painful reminders of his young age.
He danced with Death, who he could see peeking out from the eyes of the unsubs he and the team ended up facing off with. He danced more than he ever had, but his Spring kept him from falling into Death's waiting arms. His Spring and the prospect of binging a child into the world together kept him going as Adrian Bale took out six agents with one bomb, sent him to the hospital for shrapnel wounds, and sent Gideon into a post-traumatic tailspin.
It was fine in the beginning; the expectation the Gideon would be returning made the long hours bearable. Six months passed, and he came back, but he didn't return to leadership. Whispers that trickled down from up high made it clear that this designation was permanent.
They both thought they could make it work. Their child came into the world just days after he wove his web around Death and stared them down through a sniper rifle. He took a month off, and came back to face Death once more—only they were wearing the face of a man who killed multiple families.
He came close to another dance when Death wore a face that was nearly identical to his own—all that was different was their walks of life. He opened up more directly to Vincent Perotta than to anyone else that was currently on the team; Gideon could only profile, and he only explicitly told Rossi and his Spring about what his home life had been like.
Life went on, though with how often he danced with Death, it couldn't really be considered living.
He danced, and he watched.
He watched as Elle danced with Death for the first time and was permanently changed because of his inaction.
He watched as Reid danced with Death for the first time and nearly fell into their arms because of his inaction.
He watched as Death taunted Gideon again and again until the man finally left to search for the fire that had been stolen from within him.
He watched, and he danced
He watched as his Winter darkness slowly crept towards Spring and their child, as his darkness became so oppressive that Haley finally left when he couldn't stop himself from running to dance with Death. And when the light of Spring (not his, not anymore, she never was—) left, his darkness took over.
He watched as Death claimed Kate in an explosion of fire and debris and whirling him along in the quickest of dances, and he couldn't help but envision his Spring in her position. He wasn't blind, he knew how similar the two women looked, he knew what the team whispered behind his back, but it didn't matter to him. All that mattered was the phone call he was going to have to make to Haley, who had gotten along so well with Kate but now had to face the reality of her death.
Colorado was a new hell for him, as he felt Death's oppressive presence all over the compound that trapped two of his agents inside. When the buildings were engulfed in flames and debris, he could only sigh in relief that Death didn't see fit to take his agents today.
When he met Death once more, they were speaking through Megan Kane. Hearing the confidence the young woman had in him, feeling the exhausted resignation she felt at her impending death…
The press got the tip just days after the SIM card was examined by the lab.
Death waits for nobody, however, and his ten-year-old demon woke up to shove onto him more responsibility and more guilt as ten people were found shot to death on the bus in Boston.
He had gotten the profile so right but still so wrong, and Death laughed in his face.
Death laughed as he was stabbed nine times and was in their clutches for thirty minutes before the doctors managed to shake him loose from their arms. They danced and they danced, and Death laughed as he found the bloody picture of Spring and the child.
And he found that he couldn't wait to see the face Death chose to wear one more time if only to show him just how angry he was, how deeply he felt despite the mask that he put up. His team had no idea how close he was to the edge, and he didn't let them see the depths of madness he had fallen into.
Even over twenty years out of college and he was still compulsively hiding his razors, but now he couldn't be more glad but also more hateful for the habit.
But Death gives no respite, and nine months to the day Spring went into hiding with the child, he found himself unraveling quicker than he ever had as he was forced to listen as Spring was stolen from the world.
When the team finally got to the old house, they watched as the tenuous control he held over himself was ripped straight out of his grasp in a bloodthirsty, grief-stricken rage. His hands didn't feel like his own, and he couldn't place Jack into JJ's care fast enough for fear that the hands of a killer would destroy the last precious light in his darkness.
Those same hands felt the unnatural cold that was already setting in on Spring, and his mind froze.
Should he have stopped dancing?
Could he have stopped dancing?
Would it have done anything?
Would it have saved her?
He lived only to make sure Spring lived on in their son. He couldn't give up chasing Death, but he made sure to keep his son at the forefront of his mind, and if that meant staying behind and coordinating and the precinct, that was fine. It was a change that would have been asked of him when JJ was plucked from the team by the Pentagon, but with the whispered he's been hearing in meetings, he couldn't help but feel like she was walking straight into Death's waiting arms.
There wasn't any time to worry, however, nor was there time to marvel at the fact that he had made it this far after Spring was ripped from his weak grasp, as he soon had to send Emily away and pretend that she had been claimed by the being he was so familiar with. Barely over a year, and three women who had changed his life so drastically were all ripped from his desperate grip, and his team was barely keeping it together.
It was no longer a dance, but a chase. He chased Death, almost as if his efforts would somehow bring them back and fix everything. He closed himself off and kept chasing because otherwise he would crash and burn and take everything around him down with him.
He kept chasing, all the way to Pakistan and all the way back to face the wall of anger and betrayal that he knew was justified. He kept on going, as Beth came into his life and as Emily left to find her own equilibrium. He didn't stop, not even when Maeve Donovan was murdered in a manner eerily similar to his own unraveling years ago, not even when he spoke to Sean for the first time in years only to lose him to the criminal justice system, but just weeks later he was given the option once more: he could fight the futile fight, or he could stop and protect his team from afar, standing guard just as he's done for so many years now.
There was a brief moment that he wondered if he should have taken the section chief job, but just minutes later he was feeling the world tilt as his legs gave out from under him and he collapsed on the floor of the conference room, the pain in his abdomen that had been slowly burning for the past few days turning into a roaring fire that threatened to consume him from the inside out.
And how could he describe the tumultuous feelings of utter joy and desolate grief he felt when he saw Haley sitting in that dress she had worn on their first anniversary in the Pacific Northwest, the dress she wore in the picture that remained in his wallet for nearly twenty years? How could he describe the utter terror he felt when Foyet crashed their time together and shot her once again, or the renewed grief when he realized this would be the last vivid memory he would have of the Spring who had taught his Winter about the light?
But he woke up with the lingering feel of Haley's lips on his own to see Garcia and her always brightly-colored clothing that matched her ever-optimistic outlook on life that was often a blessed reprieve from the evil that consumed their jobs, and he remembered why he stayed.
Not only to chase Death, but for the family he realized he had found along the way.
But just as life must go on, Death must as well.
Soon he was calling in favors while learning about the horror JJ had gone through during her stint with Pentagon. Soon his paranoia was reignited as he and the team tried to figure out just how deep the corruption went in that police force all the while Reid was hospitalized with a neck wound. Even as he was reminded of the dangers of the chase when he drove to his old mentor's cabin in the middle of the night, he kept chasing, because, for all that he knew he had a family in the team, he knew it wouldn't last.
It couldn't last.
It was a truth he was all too intimately familiar with.
So he chased, and he chased, and he chased.
And Death laughed and taunted him, throwing him into a mental tailspin through Peter Lewis.
Perhaps that was the moment when he finally lost himself: sitting against the desk, paralyzed as his family was murdered in front of him.
Or maybe it was when he forced himself to play along to Lewis's sick fantasy and pretend that he was going to shoot at his team.
Was it pretend, though?
Nothing felt real after that—one moment he was grounded in reality and the next he was hearing that awful growling noise right behind him and seeing that terrible Glasgow smile as the hairs on his neck stood up. But, as always, he never let the team know just how far he's fallen, and he kept going and protecting and chasing with the whole of his being.
He threw himself into work with a vengeance when Garcia was being targeted by the darknet hit group and when Morgan and Savannah were being threatened by the vindictive Montolo Sr, knowing all too well what was at stake.
When Morgan told him about his intent to leave the bureau, he could only feel relief that Morgan wouldn't fall down the path he himself chose to go down all those years ago, when he first realized he could never stop dancing with Death. He told him as such in that hospital room, and the two exchanged a look, one that was borne from years of respect and kinship that had formed between the two as a result of an understanding only two profoundly hurt yet fiercely protective beings could have.
But life goes on, the moment broke, and he went back to chasing, only to be stopped right in his tracks by Death once again when Metro SWAT stormed his apartment and arrested him at gunpoint right in front of his son. Now, Death wore the faces of all of those who swore revenge against him and tried to break his will.
They very early succeeded, too—it was the closest he felt to unraveling since that terrible day seven years ago, but he knew he couldn't without taking the whole team down with him. He couldn't let the seams burst open.
Not yet.
Not until he found out Peter Lewis escaped.
Not until he found out Peter Lewis was baiting his team while working to fulfill a vendetta against him.
Not until he found out the Peter Lewis had watched Jack at one of his soccer games, and not until he found out that Peter Lewis had stalked Jack to his school.
So he planned, he made calls, and he wrote letters to the team and his family.
One night, Aaron Hotchner left those letters on his office desk alongside his resignation letter and credentials, the one thing that truly defined him for nearly twenty years.
Without it, he was no one.
One night, after tucking his son into bed, no one slipped out of his apartment with both of his service weapons and a sparsely packed bag and disappeared into the night, one goal in mind.
Hunt.
I know death.
He's got many faces.
I look forward to seeing this one.
- Arya Stark (Game of Thrones s8e2)