"What do you mean you lost it?!" demanded Jervis Tetch, furious. "How could you possibly have lost it?! You had one job, retrieve the idol of Hiedra Venenosa from her lost temple! How could you have found the temple, but lost the idol?!"

"It's kinda a long, complicated story," said Joker. "Involving a man-eating plant goddess. And that man-eating part is literal, by the way. I barely escaped with my life – the idol was the last thing on my mind when I was running as fast as my legs could carry me to avoid being eaten. If you were so precious about it, you should have come with me."

"You know very well that I'm not built for adventuring," retorted Tetch. "Which is why I rely on ruffians like you to acquire these objects for my museum."

"You mean steal them from their native lands," corrected Joker. "I get it – you're British, and your empire is crumbling about you as we speak, so you want to make sure you pillage the last few things of value before it collapses completely. I don't blame you."

"I'm not trying to do anything of the sort," snapped Tetch. "I am trying to preserve these valuable relics and cultural artifacts, and bring them to the attention of a wider audience, rather than leave them to languish in their native countries where they are neither respected nor taken care of properly. The Parthenon marbles were being burned for lime before Lord Elgin saved them – without him taking them, they wouldn't be around today. Sometimes these things are done for the greater good, for preservation, for posterity, and for history."

"I agree," said Joker, nodding. "And I'm sure the revenue it brings in from the tourists can't hurt either. But you call it saving, and I call it stealing, and both are true, from a certain point of view. So we both win! Anyway, the morality and ethics of the job don't really bother me. As long as I'm having fun with it, that's what matters. And getting paid, of course."

"I'm not paying you for bringing back a relic that you didn't bring back!" snapped Tetch.

"Ok, but you'll cover the travel expenses, right?" asked Joker. "It's not cheap to hire a private plane…"

"I'm not paying you at all for a failed mission!" snapped Tetch. "Maybe this will be a good lesson for you to do better in the future!"

"Or maybe I'll just say to hell with any future missions you wanna give me!" snapped Joker. "How about that?"

"That's fine by me – I have no further use for your services at the moment," retorted Tetch. "But sadly someone else does."

"Who?" demanded Joker.

"The United States government," said Tetch. "A representative from them is waiting in my office."

Joker stared at him. "The US government?" he repeated. "What do they want with me? I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"Should you be?" asked Tetch.

"Well, yeah, probably," agreed Joker. "I've probably broken like a billion international treaties and customs laws, plus my impressive criminal record…"

"You'll have to ask him, but the fact that he doesn't appear to have handcuffs or police backup should ease your mind," interrupted Tetch, as he led him to his office. "Indiana Joker, this is Harvey Dent, US Army Intelligence."

"How do you do, Dr. Joker?" asked Dent, extending his hand.

"Doctor?" repeated Joker, confused. "Oh…oh yeah, my doctorate in…archae…hist…ology," he finished. "From Gary Indiana Conservatory, Gold Medal, class of aught five."

"With your global expertise, you're probably already aware of the sinister goings on in Germany, and Herr Hitler's obsession with the occult," said Dent. "He's been sending troops all over the world to dig up certain artifacts which he believes will give himself and his armies supernatural powers. Whether these artifacts actually contain supernatural powers, we're pretty skeptical about, but we're not willing to let Hitler find them to test them out. Our intelligence officers intercepted a cable to Berlin from a team working in Egypt, and we were wondering if it meant anything to you."

Dent pulled out a telegram and read: Work progressing slowly. Need more men from Germany to increase pace – natives reluctant to speak of tomb, let alone dig for it. Believe we are close to discovery of Gotham City and the Batman.

"So they're looking for…what? Some kinda vampire?" asked Joker. "Because I kinda think I already met one of those in Peru…"

"We were hoping you could tell us," said Dent. "Or that Lord Tetch could," he added, turning to him. "Your museum is home to the greatest collection of occult artifacts in the world – we're hoping you have the expertise to match."

Tetch sighed. "Personally I know much more than I want to know about the Batman, being such a morbid legend. My colleague, Dr. Crane, is doing fieldwork on the subject in Egypt as we speak, along with his assistant, Dr. Quinzel, and they're really the people to talk to about this. My limited understanding is that there was some sort of cult in ancient Egypt who worshiped this half-man, half-bat creature known as the Batman. You know they had many part-animal, part-human gods – Horus, Bast, Hathor, the list goes on. The Batman was one of these, but darker than even the god of death, Anubis. It was said the Batman feasted on the blood of innocents from his temple in Gotham City. I'm not sure if vampire is the term – Dr. Crane is very precise about these things. All I know is like all gods, he was rumored to be invincible, and deathless. The story goes that his lust for blood grew so great, that the other gods banded together to imprison him in a tomb, trapped forever with his unending hunger. A sandstorm that lasted for ten years was then sent to the city of Gotham, burying all its inhabitants and the tomb to ensure it was lost to the desert forever. If this tomb were found, and opened, Herr Hitler might be able to harness the powers of an immortal, bloodthirsty god to lead his armies. And that is a terrifying thought."

"I'll say," agreed Joker. "But how can I help with this? I usually steal things from tombs, not stop other people from finding them."

"We're aware you have no great love of Nazis," said Dent.

"You got that right – I hate their guts," said Joker, spitting on the ground. "Bunch of humorless, goose-stepping morons."

"Since Dr. Crane and Dr. Quinzel are already in Egypt, and hopefully will be able to discover this tomb before the Nazis can, we'd like to send you along as protection for them," said Dent. "They're both academics, and unused to coping with real danger. And the Nazis are very dangerous, and will stop at nothing to complete their mission. They could kidnap and torture them if they learn what they're up to, in order to find the location of the tomb. We don't want you to steal anything, Dr. Joker, but we do want you to keep Dr. Crane and Dr. Quinzel safe, while sabotaging the Nazis' operations and making sure the Batman's tomb can never be opened by anyone ever again."

"Got it, say no more," said Joker, winking. "Destroying things is even more fun than stealing them if you ask me. And it's probably what I do best. Well, aside from something else you'd have to ask the ladies about," he chuckled, elbowing Dent.

"Speaking of which, it's of the utmost importance that you don't trust anyone," said Dent, sternly. "We don't know which of the locals are in league with the Nazis, or helping them somehow, and it's always difficult to discover where true loyalties lie. You'd be surprised at who can turn out to be two-faced. I don't think I need to remind you that this mission is top secret, and a matter of national security. You can't tell anyone the truth about why you're there, not even Dr. Crane or his assistant. Not that your colleagues are under suspicion, Lord Tetch, but these are dangerous times, and we can't trust anyone. As far as they know, you're solely there as a fellow expert to assist them with their research. When you've discovered the location of the tomb, you report it directly to me, and no one else. Understand?"

"Sure thing," said Joker, nodding. "I'm good at going undercover and being discreet."

"Are you?" asked Tetch, surprised.

"Probably," retorted Joker, shrugging. "I'm good at most things, so why not this?"

"Forgive me for asking, but Dr. Crane is actually an expert in his field – won't it be difficult for Dr. Joker to convince him that he's also an expert when he literally knows nothing about the Batman?" asked Tetch.

"Well, it's a long flight to Egypt – plenty of time for him to study," said Dent. "I assume you can loan him some books on the subject?"

"Oh c'mon, I think I can bullshit as well as any academic," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "That's all you learn how to do in college, use a bunch of fancy words to ultimately not say anything. I mean, it's the opposite of my usual entertaing approach of getting straight to the punchline, but I'm a fast learner. I'm sure I can master nerd theatricality in no time."

"Then it's settled," said Dent, nodding. "We'll book you on the next flight to Cairo. I wish you good luck on your mission, Dr. Joker. And remember: don't trust anyone."

"He seems kinda paranoid," commented Joker, as Dent left. "But then I guess you would be, working for the US government. I mean, they pretty much screw up everything they do, and no matter who's in charge, it's just one big, inefficient, bureaucratic mess. I imagine being involved in it would do things to your mind after awhile."

"Quite," agreed Tetch. He sighed. "Well, I'd better find you some books for your flight. Assuming there are any left that Dr. Crane didn't take with him…"

"Or you could come with me," said Joker. "And just tell me all about this Batman cult on the flight. I learn better from listening than reading, and that way you can cover for me if Dr. Crane suspects anything. He must trust you, as his friend, to be honest with him, right?"

"I told you, I'm not built for adventuring," retorted Tetch. "And I'm certainly not built for heat. And Egypt is very hot, so I hear – it's not suited to those of us from a cold, drizzly, UK climate."

"Aw, c'mon, it'll be fun!" exclaimed Joker. "And maybe I can plunder you some other artifacts while I'm there to make up for that lost idol!"

Tetch thought. "I can't deny I would like to see the pyramids," he admitted at last. "And the Sphinx – I've always enjoyed the story of its riddle…"

"No, no riddles on this trip," interrupted Joker, firmly. "They're lame, and we're gonna have enough lameness hanging out with nerds."

"Have you ever met Dr. Crane, or Dr. Quinzel?" asked Tetch.

"No, but they're academics, right?" asked Joker. "I know what those people are like. Old guys with glasses who've wasted their lives reading books and researching obscure crap that nobody cares about. Basically people who stink of failure because they couldn't succeed in any other arena but school, and never moved beyond that like the rest of us. You've met one loser, you've met 'em all, right?" he laughed, clapping Tetch on the shoulder and heading off.

Tetch shook his head and responded dryly, "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."