CHAPTER 10
Claire:
"I still love you, Claire. I'll always still love you. Even if you hate me."
"…Quil.."
Claire was suddenly dragged into consciousness by the sound of what she realized was her own voice sleepily calling out. Her eyes were heavy, and her head was pounding but she blinked awake trying to figure out where she was and why she felt so disoriented.
She was in her room, but it was dark except for the light from the streetlights leaking through the open blinds. The clock on her nightstand read 9:37 pm and she was alone. She wasn't sure why that was surprising but there was a part of her that had felt so certain she wouldn't be alone when she woke up. She rolled over from her side with her face stuck to the pillow due to the embarrassingly large puddle of drool under her cheek (no wonder her mouth felt so dry and tasted so bad) to her back so that she could stare up at the ceiling.
She immediately wondered if it was even possible that the words she'd heard echoing around in her sleep were even real or if they were just a figment of her own imagination. Her subconscious providing her with what she desperately needed and desired. That seemed highly likely since she had been sleeping so deeply, though those words had echoed with a tone of sincerity in Quil's exact voice that she was surprised she could configure on her own, but she figured when you wanted something badly enough sometimes your mind would simply create it for you ….. like a lost oasis in the distance of the desert for a stranded wanderer dying of thirst.
Claire brought her left hand up to her pounding head and face. She groaned and tried to rewind her mind to what she remembered last and figure out how she had gotten home in her bed. She remembered running from Vegas, choosing to skim past the reasons that she had left, the memory of which was still causing her to cringe and burn with first pain and then embarrassment at the looks of concern and pity on the faces of her friends, she refused to dwell on the look on Quil's face and just skipped right past to the awful night filled with airports and plane rides and cheap paperbacks with mermaids and werewolves….
She remembered Bennett picking her up at the airport. She rubbed her cheek when she remembered her panic attack and the way he had slapped her too forcefully across her face. She remembered the drive home that was peaceful and filled with Beyoncé and that Bennett hadn't pressured her to explain why she had come home early. She remembered Bennett picking up the beer and hard lemonade at the General Store Embry's mom owned… they'd gone to First Beach….. they'd talked….. that second spiked lemonade had definitely been a mistake on her part… Macy had given Bennett another ultimatum…. That sucked but Claire would need to digest that more later when she could actually think clearly….. She had looked at the waves and realized how much she didn't belong there anymore….. Had she said that out loud? She thought she had….. She remembered the look of pity and concern Bennett had given her in response…. Her stomach burned with the thought.
And that was it. She didn't remember anything after that. But she was lying on her bed and still wearing Bennett's hoodie, so she knew he must have taken her home and put her to bed, making sure she was okay before he left. She wondered if he still had Jamie and realized that she needed to get up to make sure he was picked up from Bennett's house before the hour got too late, but her head was pounding, and her mouth and throat were so dry and scratchy.
She moved carefully so that she was only turning her head as she glanced at her nightstand beside her to find a full glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol. Singing Bennett's eternal praises, she reached up with her right hand to first grab her glass but stopped when she realized something was in it, dragging across the bed as she clasped it tight in her palm. Too tight actually, her hand was numbed and cramped, and she wondered how long she had been clasping it so hard. She sat up slowly as she brought her suddenly stranger hand in front of her to look at the black t-shirt still clutched in her grasp.
"I still love you, Claire. I'll always still love you. Even if you hate me."
Claire gasped out loud as the words rang through her mind again, this time without a doubt said in his voice. The memories started to come back, hard and painfully and incomplete. He'd been there. He'd definitely been there. He'd carried her up the stairs…. He'd held her hair while she'd puked in the street, (why had she been in the street?) he had been….. nice. She remembered that. He wasn't mad like she would have expected this new Quil to be…. He'd been her Quil. Sweet, caring, loving. He'd smelled so good…. Claire moaned in mortification as she thought it and remembered saying something about it. She didn't remember what but knew that she'd said something about it. Her hands shook as she brought her left hand over and then used it too to lift the shirt in front of her so that she could get a better look at it. She had begged him to stay…. She had cried and actually begged like the most pathetic little girl she could possibly imagine. It would have been completely humiliating if it weren't for the fact that the one thing she seemed to remember with perfect clarity was the broken edge in his voice when he'd simply said,
"I can't…."
She couldn't remember anything else, and her body burned from head to toe at the thought…. What else had she said? It was embarrassing to just consider the potential possibilities. Dropping the shirt on the floor in front of her, she leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed the glass of water, drinking it quickly and barely stopping long enough to force two Tylenols in her mouth and swallow them down.
When the water was gone she set the glass back down before standing up gingerly, moving carefully to avoid stepping on the shirt on the floor… she tried to remember Quil taking his shirt off to leave it for her but couldn't recall anything….. it was so embarrassing… What if he hadn't done it as a loving gesture? What if she'd just refused to let go of him and kept clinging onto his shirt with her right hand like she'd obviously done the entire time she'd been asleep? Maybe taking it off was the only way he could escape from her…..
Even in her mortification she looked around her bed and nightstand trying to find her phone that was nowhere in sight. She wondered where her purse had ended up and looked around the room as she started taking wobbly steps toward the bathroom. Her purse was nowhere to be found but her entire body moved like a fresh born colt that had never walked before. She was sore everywhere but especially her legs and feet… she suddenly wondered where Leah's shoes were that she'd borrowed.
She was a sweaty and sticky mess, so she stopped by the hamper against the wall and stripped off Bennett's hoodie. She realized why her stomach was chaffed since she was still in her shorts and the sparkly camisole that were supposed to be her dinner/club wear. She groaned again as she unbuttoned the first few buttons of her shorts and then yanked at her strapless bra, adjusting it so that the cups actually lined up with her boobs again and it was no longer doubling as a Wonder Woman belt somewhere around her belly button. She was right by the bathroom door, so instead of forcing her tender feet forward she just leaned all her weight on the door frame and then reached in to hit the light switch, hissing and looking down when the too bright light hit her.
As she looked down at her feet for the first time, she noticed the faded black dirt that was left in odd pattern-less streaks. She looked closer at them and she tried to remember how or when that had happened. When she couldn't recall anything, she realized it had to have been Quil that had cleaned them for her…. The thought suddenly had burning hot tears stinging her eyes as she thought of him scrubbing her feet. The memory of herself scrubbing his own dirty body with a washcloth as he stood naked in a shower, too immobilized by shock and grief to do it himself suddenly popped into her brain….
Why couldn't they just be that for each other anymore?
It hurt and was beyond frustrating that he could wash her dirty drunken feet for her, but he couldn't handle the thought of being her boyfriend…. No, fiancé. She automatically corrected in her head before she gasped aloud. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was his problem. Maybe he just wasn't ready to get married. Maybe it all had become too real for him and he couldn't handle that level of commitment.
"Don't do that." Claire mumbled aloud to herself as the tiny little bead of hope started to bloom in her chest, "Don't assume you can figure him out."
"Hey, you're home!"
Claire jumped about a foot in the air as Rachel's voice spoke from the other side of the bathroom where she'd clearly just walked through her own door.
"Oh crap, Rach! Don't do that!" Claire gasped as she placed a hand to her chest to try to regulate her heartrate again.
Rachel giggled as she said a half-hearted "Sorry" and Claire's eyes finally adjusted enough to the light to look at her sister.
"Holy shit, Rachel!" Claire suddenly gasped as she looked at her, "You're totally pregnant!"
Rachel laughed again as she leaned against the bathroom counter with her hip so that she could place her hands contentedly against the small but burgeoning bump between her hips that had never been there before.
"I know. Shocker, right?" she quipped a little sarcastically before she said more seriously, "I'm twelve weeks now. Crazy, right? I've even mostly stopped puking."
Claire was happy for Rachel and for Travis and even for little Peanut, she really was but at the word 'puking' her own stomach twisted sharply, and she was positive that if she'd eaten anything within the last twelve hours, she would have lost it all right there.
She groaned as she leaned forward against the door frame again, "Well here's to not puking…."
"You look a little rough….. I know it was Vegas, but do you think you maybe had a little too much fun?" Rachel asked bluntly and even through her current pain Claire was glad to notice she sounded much more like her usual personality than she had in weeks. She really must be starting to feel better.
"This didn't happen in Vegas…. Bennett picked me up this morning and got me drunk, so I'd spill all my secrets to him…. I think it probably worked a little too well." Claire mumbled with more moans than actual articulations as she stumbled toward a drawer and pulled it open, she shoved her hand around blindly until she found a hair tie and then started roughly yanking all of her hair out of her face and into the most lopsided ponytail she'd ever seen.
"Wow, what a great friend." Rachel said critically.
"Hey, don't harp on Bennett! Bennett's the best." Claire snarked but most of it didn't come out clearly since she was already sticking her face directly under the faucet in her sink.
"Yeah, I guess Bennett isn't so bad." Rachel allowed as Claire started scrubbing at her face with just her bare hands since her face wash and makeup remover was in her bag and she currently had no idea where that was.
"So, where's Travis?" Claire asked.
When Rachel didn't respond Claire shut off the faucet and blinked water out of her eyes to look at her. When she could finally see clearly, she gasped and jumped about a foot backwards while grabbing her unbuttoned shorts and yanking them back together against her waist.
Rachel immediately started laughing along with Travis who was standing right behind her and had clearly been close by the entire time.
"Jeeze! Some warning might have been nice!" Claire snapped, much grumpier than she usually was due to her headache and currently less than stellar appearance.
She yanked a hand towel off the hook and started patting her face dry.
"Sorry, Claire." Travis said sounding unconcerned. "Wow, you look like Vegas really got the best of you."
Claire rolled her eyes in annoyance as Rachel started laughing again. She decided to change the subject instead of continuing to discuss her post-partying appearance.
"Has anyone seen Jamie yet? I can't find my phone, but I need to go pick him up from Mrs. Callahan's house."
"Oh, he's already in bed, we picked him up when we got home from Seattle this afternoon." Rachel said easily.
Claire nodded her head gratefully but then regretted it when it made her head spin.
"Any chance you've seen my purse or the shoes I came in?" Claire asked as she tried to calculate how long it should take for the Tylenol she'd taken to kick in.
Rachel just shrugged as she made an almost whatcha gonna do face. Claire bit her lip as she tried to imagine Leah's reaction when she told her she'd lost the shoes she had lent her.
"I think I saw a pair of shoes and a purse downstairs by the front door." Travis offered helpfully and Claire was suddenly grateful for his presence there.
"Thanks." Claire muttered as she started gingerly moving her legs and feet to back out the door.
"Heads up though, Mom's finally home. She's kind of on a rampage too so everyone is lying low." Rachel warned and Claire suddenly froze while her brained tried to process why that seemed so familiar. Why did she feel like she was already supposed to have known that? "We had to sneak Trav in when she wasn't looking."
"Have you told her about the baby yet?" Claire asked instead of trying to figure out her own confusion.
"Nope." Rachel said helpfully as she popped the P for emphasis.
"Nice…. Because hiding a pregnancy is always a great idea." Claire called over her shoulder as she shut the door about eighty percent of the way so that Travis couldn't see her as she finally forced the tight shorts from around her waist down her legs and then kicked them off so they skirted across the floor towards the black t-shirt by her bed that she refused to look at.
"That's what I thought too. A secret elopement is always a nice addition as well." Rachel agreed and Claire chuckled through her nose because it didn't hurt her head as much.
"What are you going to do when she notices the bump?" Claire argued.
"I'm just counting on the fact that she probably won't. By the time I'm huge we'll be living on a base anyways…. I'm actually thinking of just waiting and sending her our family Christmas card as way of announcement…." Rachel said reasonably and Claire laughed again as she dug a pair of cheerleading sweats out and yanked them up her still slightly dirty feet and legs.
"That's not a bad plan… you could stick a post-it on it with something like 'Congrats, Grandma! Love, Travis, Rachel, and Peanut Kuhn." Claire replied as she yanked the sparkly top off her head and tossed it in barely the same direction as the hamper.
"Perfect! It's like you read my mind." Rachel agreed as Claire started digging through her drawer that was almost hopelessly empty since she hadn't done laundry in over a week.
When her hand finally found something soft she grabbed it and started yanking it out until she froze when she realized it was a men's La Push High football t-shirt that Quil had left for her to sleep in before he'd gone to run patrol months before. Her hands shook as she looked at it and tried to remember the specific day or moment when he had left it but couldn't. It had just seemed like such a normal thing. Leaving his shirt for her to smell had become so common place she hadn't thought it was worth remembering.
"I mean, I know I should tell her, but I just feel like it's none of her business, you know? And I really don't care for a lecture about how stupid I was to not use protection…" Rachel said a lot more seriously when Claire hadn't replied and Claire suddenly snapped out her daze as she pulled the clean shirt over her and gratefully unhooked the strapless bra, letting it drop haphazardly to the floor.
"Definitely. You do you, Rach. Tell her when you're ready or don't tell her at all. I'll support whatever you decide." Claire agreed as she moved back to the door and opened it enough to be able to see Rachel still leaning against the counter and then Travis's feet on the end of Rachel's bed that she could just barely see through the half-opened door, he either wasn't listening or just didn't want to interrupt their conversation.
Rachel shrugged again as she said, "Yeah. Thanks. I appreciate all of your support, Claire."
Claire evaluated her for a second as she looked at Rachel's less than confident demeanor before she asked, "Do you think you might want her there for the birth though?"
Rachel just lifted her brows in shocked disbelief in response as she continued to stare at Claire.
"Well I know she's been awful this year but she's still our mom…. I don't know, I thought you just might want her there." Claire said with her own shrug as she leaned against the counter, mirroring Rachel as they faced each other.
Rachel just shook her head dismissively before she said unconcerned, "No I don't want mom in the delivery room. Just you and Trav….. and maybe Trav's mom, she's really angling to be there, but I haven't decided yet."
Claire just looked at her sister in shock for a second before asking in disbelief, "You want me to be in the delivery room?"
"Yeah, of course. You promised me weeks ago that we'd do this together remember?" Rachel said almost sounding annoyed that Claire would question this.
"Yeah, but I had no idea you would want me to be in the delivery room… Wow. I'm so shocked! Of course I'll be there for the birth of Peanut!" Claire gushed as she got emotional and leaned forward to put her hand on Rachel's slightly protruding stomach.
"Okay…. You can get off me now…. You smell by the way." Rachel said in her usual gruff tone.
"Oh, you can't fool me. You want me to be in the room on the most important day of your life. You clearly love me." Claire teased.
"Yeah, okay, whatever." Rachel replied over her shoulder as she turned and made her way back into her own room before shutting the door behind her and leaving Claire alone in the bathroom.
Claire just chuckled as she rubbed her head, pleased to note that the discomfort was finally starting to wane. She used whatever limited dexterity she had to sneak out of her bathroom and then her bedroom door while making as little noise as possible. When the house was dark and she couldn't hear anyone moving around except for Rachel and Travis in their room, Claire snuck down the stairs on her toes, determined to be sly and not run into her mom, despite the soreness in her feet.
She quickly spotted her bag and shoes by the front door where Travis had mentioned seeing them and grabbed them before running back up the stairs as quietly as possible.
Once she was back in the safety of her own room she quickly leaned back against the closed door and sighed with relief she hadn't been caught by her mother. Not bothering with order of any form, she dropped the shoes directly on the floor before digging through her bag, almost squealing with relief when she found her cell phone at the bottom.
It was dead but the charger was also in her bag, so she grabbed both and then let the bag follow the shoes so that it was already on the floor by the time she was plugging in her charger behind her nightstand and then plugging in her phone before throwing herself back onto her now messy bed.
She was surprised by how exhausted she was, especially since she'd just slept the last ten hours. She was hungry too, but she didn't doubt that if she tried to eat anything she'd definitely throw up. She had a vague memory of Luke feeding her a breakfast burrito in Tennessee and telling her the protein would help but she wasn't in any real condition to move and food didn't sound appealing anyways.
Her phone chimed as it restarted and then suddenly started pinging nonstop with notifications as text after text came in with email and voicemail notifications mixed in. She sighed and tried to brace herself as she picked up her phone. She ignored the emails and voicemails as she started sorting through her texts. The vast majority were from Quil. So many were from him that she decided to sort through all the others first. The latest was from Bennett.
Hey. Let me know when you wake up that you're doing okay….. or let me know if I need to kill anyone… either way.
Claire smiled as she immediately sent a reply.
I'm awake and the verdict is still out…. I'll let you know as soon as I decide :P
The next was from her mom from hours earlier. Claire doubted that she had even made it to the airport yet when it had come through.
Where are you? Where is everyone? The house is completely empty. Why aren't you answering your phone?
That one was definitely getting ignored as she moved onto Leah's message.
He knows. He's definitely on his way to follow you. If it helps at all I never specifically said where you were going….
Claire sighed as she thought about poor Leah and all her other friends that had ended up trapped in the middle of trying to protect her from Quil this weekend.
It's fine. Thanks for trying to help. Sorry it ended on such a sucky note.
Claire bit her lip as she debated saying something more meaningful and apologetic before eventually just hitting send because she didn't know what else to say.
Finally, after taking a couple of deep yoga breathes, Claire opened Quil's message thread and scrolled up far enough to see where they had started from the night before.
I need to talk to you, will you meet me downstairs in the casino?
Come on, Claire, if you don't come down I'm just going to come up to your room.
Okay, I just asked the front desk for your room number. I'm coming up if I don't hear from you in the next five.
I'm coming up.
Claire, please open the door.
Really? The silent treatment?
Claire, seriously, open the door.
CLAIRE. CALL ME. RN. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
CLAIRE! WHERE ARE YOU!?
Please answer the phone or call me back.
Please, Claire. You're freaking me out here.
I'm on my way to the airport. I know you're pissed at me and you have every reason to be but I am seriously panicking here Claire!
Please don't do this Claire! Please!
I'm sorry okay. I'm really really sorry. I know you don't want to hear it yet and I know you're still mad but I need you Claire.
Look. I know I was a dick. I know you have no reason to want to talk to me and I get it but I'm getting on the next flight to Seattle and if you're going to be on that flight PLEASE just let me know so that I don't have to spend the next two hours going out of my mind…. If you aren't on that flight…. Well then I have no idea where you're going and that scares the shit out of me.
Sorry for cursing. I know you don't like that.
What am I going to do if you aren't on this flight?
This is the most scared I think I've been in my entire life and the ironic thing is I just keeping thinking that I should call you because you're the one who would know how to make me feel…. Idk less crazy I guess…. You'd talk me down and tell me it's going to be okay… you'd say that you yourself are an incredibly smart and capable person and can figure out an airport system just fine on your own and that you'll call me back on your own time when you're ready…..right?
I'm about to take off. You're not here….. I'll check my phone the second I land…. Just please. A text. An email. A voicemail. Morse code. A smoke signal. I will take ANYTHING just as long as I know you're alright.
Where are you?
That was the last one sent before she'd obviously shown up at the house and Claire suddenly blinked and wiped at her face when she realized she had started crying and hadn't even realized it. His messages were so sporadic and sad and painful, and her own emotions were so mixed and confused in response. She was annoyed and still hurt and angry from the way he'd acted in Vegas, but she was also sympathetic and hadn't expected him to be so worried or scared when he couldn't find her…. Pissed? Yeah, definitely, but that was probably part of the reason she had done it, to get back at him just a little bit. But, out of his mind with fear and worry? She hadn't anticipated that reaction from him.
There was one last text that had only been sent two hours ago.
Hope you're feeling better, I'm not the only one missing you.
It was accompanied by a picture of just Butch's face. It was from an above angle so that his head was way disproportionate to his body and his mouth was hanging wide open with obvious happy excitement. She couldn't see his tail in the picture, but she was positive he was wagging it so hard he was hitting each side of his body with it.
The picture was adorable, but the message gave her so much pause.
I'm not the only one missing you….. I'm not the only one missing you.
He was missing her? He was missing her and willingly admitting it to her?
"Don't read into it, Claire…" she muttered warningly to herself before she finally blew out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and moved her fingers to type across the screen.
I'm alright. I'm definitely as excited to see Butch as he is to see me. Can I pick him up in the morning?
She held her breath as she hit send. She knew it was a lame message, but she didn't have the energy or the brain power to come up with anything better. She stared at the phone in anticipation as his typing bubble came up followed almost immediately by his reply.
You are alive! I was starting to get worried. How are you feeling? And yeah, you can have Butch in the morning.
Claire bit her lip as she wondered how to decipher his message.
"This is stupid. Just take him at his word." She suddenly muttered to herself. Telling herself that she didn't have time for games and if he was ever trying to say more than he was actually saying well than she was going to miss it because he needed to… actually say it… yeah. That made sense. Her head hurt too much to think any clearer than that.
Not as bad as my last hang over. Thanks for the water and Tylenol. I'll pick Butch up in the morning before my run…. Do you think we could talk though?
She refused to let herself overthink it before she hit send and then forced herself to stare at the ceiling as she waited for his reply instead of staring at the screen.
You're welcome. You're gonna go run tomorrow morning even with this hang over you're nursing? And yeah, of course. Do you wanna talk now?
Claire rolled her eyes with self-annoyance since she probably could have read through her message enough to make sure that her meaning was actually clear.
Yeah, I have to work tomorrow so it's best to hit the ground running (literally, I guess) and get back into my routine. And no, I just meant when I come pick up Butch, can we sit down and talk for a second.
This time she didn't even try to stop herself from staring at her screen until he responded.
Okay. What do you want to talk about?
She didn't know why that response made her smile, but it was just too easy to imagine him lying on his bed with Butch curled up next to him as he texted her. She shook her head to try to shake the image out before she responded as quickly as possible without giving herself a chance to back out.
About whatever I said or did this morning…. I don't remember much.
This time when the typing bubble popped up it disappeared and then reappeared a couple of times before he finally responded.
What do you remember?
She rolled her eyes again at that response. Why would he beat around the bush?
Um….. I know you carried me up the stairs…..
I did. You said you hate the way I smell.
Claire smiled in response as she replied.
Well you probably deserved it.
His response was much quicker this time.
Oh, I definitely deserved it.
Claire laughed and then brought her hand to her mouth to stifle it when it came out louder than she meant for it to. Before she could respond, he sent another one.
But then you said you hated the way I smelled because you hate how much you miss it, and I definitely don't deserve that.
Claire's hands started shaking as she read through the message half a dozen times. She'd said she'd missed his smell!? She was caught somewhere in a state of panic and humiliation. No wonder he'd left his shirt! She closed her eyes and then groaned out loud when a new ping had her looking back at her phone again.
Claire?
She realized it'd been a full five minutes since he'd sent it and she hadn't responded even though she'd replied instantaneously to all his other messages.
See! This is what I was worried about, that I did or said horrifying things that I can't remember. What else did I do?
She had to set her phone down against the bed so that she could clench her hands into fists, but he responded almost immediately, and she was already diving to grab her phone again.
I don't think you need to be horrified by that. It was honest. I was actually relieved to get some honesty from you. It felt like the first time you've been that real with me in weeks.
Claire blew air from her nose that she would not have been surprised to find was actually steam. She didn't even stop to think before she was typing and sending her response.
You don't deserve my honesty! And I don't owe it to you! Why should I be honest with you when you can't be honest with me!?
The second she sent it she wondered if it was a mistake. If she'd showed too much of her hand especially since she still didn't know how much she'd done or said the last time she'd seen him.
Okay. I probably deserve that.
Claire was still huffing and didn't know how to respond without just berating him some more but that would take the risk of revealing even more about how she truly felt. He replied again before she could even decide.
But really. I don't think you need to be embarrassed, Claire. Please don't be.
She blew out a relieved breath since that was so easy to respond to and immediately replied,
Well that depends, what else did I say or do?
Do you really want to know?
His reply was so concise that Claire was suddenly nervous and hesitated for a few minutes before finally gathering her courage.
Yes.
He was typing for a few minutes and Claire's stomach turned before the bubble disappeared. She waited for the phone to ping but instead it suddenly started to vibrate in her hand with Quil's name taking up the screen. Claire gasped in shocked horror and accidentally dropped her phone which fortunately landed directly on her bed where it kept vibrating and almost shaking itself right onto the floor.
She panicked as she wondered what he was doing calling her. He was breaking every single unspoken protocol when it came to texting! First off, they had agreed to talk tomorrow when her head would hopefully not be pounding, and she would no longer be suffering the effects of cotton mouth…. Secondly, who responded to a text conversation with a phone call? Claire almost sent him to voicemail in her panic before she suddenly decided she had way too much pride to cower at the thought of hearing his voice.
"Hello?" she asked slightly breathlessly.
Quil's response was basically just an exhausted sigh. "Are you sure you want to know?"
He paused for a moment and the silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Claire was suddenly grateful she hadn't turned on any lights. The darkness felt so much safer knowing no one could see her having this conversation with him.
"….. I think so." She replied but her voice shook, and she suddenly bunched her fist in front of her stomach, upset and frustrated that she knew he'd hear her hesitation.
"Claire, we can just pretend it never happened." He assured her.
"Pretend what never happened!?" Claire suddenly shrilled, suddenly panicked at the unexpected insinuation. "Did I do something!? Oh shit! Did WE do something!?"
"What?" Quil suddenly asked sounding almost confused, "No, noth-" he was obviously trying to explain what he had meant but Claire was too anxiously worked up to let him finish and cut across him,
"I woke up with my clothes on, but I have some serious blank spots! Quil, if something happened between us, I NEED to know about it!"
"NO, Claire!" he said roughly before she'd even taken a breath from her rambling. "Hell no! Is that what you think of me!? That I'd take advantage of you because you were black out wasted!?"
He sounded upset and Claire paused at the sound of his voice as she processed the feelings raining over her. There was a small amount of relief that nothing had physically happened that she didn't remember and there was a slight amount of guilt because she'd offended him, but overall all she could really process were her feelings of disconnect that she was so unused to feeling when it came to him. She took so long processing everything in her own mind that the silence became uncomfortable between them as he waited in obvious frustration for her to answer his question.
"No." she finally whispered.
"No what, Claire?" he asked but instead of sounding angry and frustrated like she was expecting he was whispering too and seemed to be waiting on pins and needles for her response.
"I don't think you'd do that." She replied simply and was surprised to realize she was still whispering.
"Do what?" he asked in the same too quiet tone. It felt so intimate it almost made her uncomfortable. This wasn't where their relationship stood anymore, there was too much water under the bridge now to wish it away. "I need to hear you say it. I need to know you know."
He was so intense in his quietness. It seemed to ring louder than if he'd yelled and it sent chills down her spine and left goosebumps on her arms.
"…. I …." Claire hesitated as she tried to compose her answer and heard Quil's frustrated sigh in response that finally spurred her into just jumping headfirst and saying without stopping to think through every word, "… I don't think you'd do anything without consent…. I don't think you'd take advantage…. Or touch me or whatever….. I don't think you'd touch me at all either way, even if I wanted you to…. Even if I begged you to."
Her quiet declaration was met with an incredibly heavy silence on his end and instead of analyzing it she simply forged ahead and took in a deep breath for strength before asking,
"Did I though? Beg you to?"
She held her breath as she felt like she could almost see the question physically hanging in the air between them which seemed silly since he wasn't even in the room with her, and yet his presence was so tangible that she could almost see it.
"No, Claire. You didn't." he assured her incredibly quietly and his voice sounded almost detached when he said it.
Claire blew out the breath she was holding as relief filled her ironically at the same time tears did too. She didn't understand why she was crying tears of what almost felt like regret over having not done something she'd have been mortified to have done. She hadn't really processed Quil's own deep bracing breath before he was saying quickly and assertively like he was ripping off a band-aid,
"You begged me to stay….. You said you missed the way I smelled so much…. I left my shirt with you instead."
Claire nodded her head as the tears started streaming down her cheeks silently and she pulled the phone away from her mouth as she sniffed and wiped at her nose and then cheeks. She brought the phone back since she knew she needed to respond.
"…Okay.." she said with certainty, determined not to reveal any more of her emotions in front of him. "… thank you for telling me. Is there anything else I said or did that I should know about?"
She could sense Quil hesitate for a moment on the other end but instead of trying to coax him like how she would have in the past she simply waited to see if he'd respond.
"You said I was mean and toxic for you but that you couldn't stop yourself from still wanting me. You said, you hated yourself for it…. That you hated me."
Claire swallowed as she let that soak in along with the flash of memories of her yelling some of those phrases and then crying into his chest as she kept trying to convince herself more than him, that she hated him.
She looked up at the ceiling as she wiped at the tears coming out of her eyes again, grateful they hadn't done this in person and that he couldn't see her.
"Yeah, those are things I'd want to know I said…." She replied off-handedly pretending it didn't hurt to hear.
Quil was silent and she sensed more than anything that he didn't know how to respond so instead of addressing anything she suddenly changed the subject,
"I'll get you your shirt back later this week."
"Claire, don't worry about it. I don't care about the shirt." Quil suddenly insisted as if he'd been trying to convince her of that all along.
"Then what do you care about?" Claire suddenly asked and hated the fact that her voice gave away the tiniest hint of her emotions when she sounded almost accusatory.
"You, Claire! You are what I care about. You're the only damn thing I care about! Can you not see that!?" he replied in a tone halfway between desperation and frustration.
Claire froze as his question hit her.
Can you not see that!?
She tilted the phone away again so that it was still pressed to her ear but at least six inches above her mouth as she blinked tears at the ceiling again, this time not bothering to try to wipe them away, they'd just be replaced by more anyways.
Didn't she know? Of course she knew…. Didn't she?
Because … he loved her. That's why he demeaned her and humiliated her and broke her heart until it was nothing more than a pulsating bleeding mass in her chest. Because that's what truly caring for someone was. Right?
Right?
She pulled in a shaky breath to steady herself, waiting until she knew her voice wouldn't shake before she brought the phone back to her mouth and replied simply,
"No. No, Quil, I can't see that."
"Claire!-" he started to say in obviously exasperated frustration but she was already calmly pulling the phone away from her face and hitting the red button cutting him off by ending the call.
She blew out another shaking breath as she let the last few tears leak their way out before wiping them away and blinking her eyes clear.
She knew there was no point in arguing with him about the differences in being irrevocably tied to someone, and caring so much that you could never even imagine doing or saying something to hurt the person you love so much it feels like you're just hurting yourself. It was the way she felt versus the way he did.
He'd never see the difference and she didn't have the energy to try to make him. She needed to save her strength for herself now anyways and the life she needed to start building for herself and her family.
She rubbed a hand over her hollow chest, just slightly less hollow and maybe just a little warmer from the love and strength she'd finally found for herself just as her phone started vibrating again in her hand. Claire rejected the call as she finally pulled back the covers on the bed, standing carefully to avoid the shirt on the floor before she climbed under their protection. Her phone suddenly pinged with a text but instead of looking at it she swiped the notification clean on her phone and then set it to Do Not Disturb mode. She blew out a breath before setting the phone on her nightstand face down, and then rolling over to turn her back on it. She pulled her sheets up around her as she clung tightly to the too large shirt covering her, refusing to think about the man that gave it to her. Oddly enough she drew strength from the shirt and the thought that she could again become the girl she'd been when she'd received it. She just needed to replace the love that had been given with the shirt with her own love instead.
She closed her eyes as she breathed in an almost fitful sort of peace and relaxed knowing that even if she didn't love herself that much yet, she could maybe start to get there tomorrow.