"And then we'll have an intermission – they used to do that all the time back in my day," said Joker, as he paused in the script reading. "The screen will go black, and people will have about twenty minutes to use the bathroom and get snacks. It'll also give people time to elaborately envision in explicit detail what we did in the time before the movie resumes and the scene shifts, which should please the more imaginative among us. I don't understand why all movies don't do that – instead of having some awkward sex scene where everyone in the audience tries not to make eye contact with anybody else, just let the audience imagine what kinda thing they'd like best. It gives people more options, and it's ultimately more romantic, since what one person finds hot, somebody else will find a complete turn off. Like whoopie cushions, or Batman costumes."
"Yeah, plus we wanna keep the PG-13 market," agreed J.J., nodding. "It's a terrible idea to make an action adventure movie and then alienate the under seventeen market. It's really difficult to make any kinda profit that way, and your film is more likely to bomb than anything else."
"As DC has just found out," agreed Joker.
"Who's DC?" asked J.J.
"It's a so-called entertainment company that continuously makes terrible decisions, and then wonders why it can't attract any audiences," retorted Joker. "I only wish we weren't bound up in their fate, but there's nothing we can do about it, I suppose. Some things you just can't control," he sighed. "Just gotta keep being the fun, fantastic character I've always been and hope they come to their senses someday."
"Yeah, that's all we can do," agreed Harley. "But I'm loving the script so far, puddin'."
"Me too," agreed Arleen. "But I do have a question. How are we gonna reconstruct Uncle Harvey's face so people don't know he's obviously the two-faced character right away?"
"CGI, probably," said Joker. "They can do anything with that these days, including bringing back people who are dead. They can certainly bring back the dead half of Harvey's face."
"I think Aunt Ivy will be pissed she only gets a brief scene at the beginning of the movie," said J.J. "Even if she does get to eat men's hearts, which will please her."
"Well, she can make her own movie," retorted Joker. "And then she can give herself as big a part as she likes. It can be an important, powerful, political polemic about feminism and environmentalism, which will be as subtle in lecturing people as a hammer to the face. That's an idea so bad DC will probably greenlight it, and then wonder why nobody wants to see it. At which point Pammie will just blame sexism, and learn nothing."
"Yeah, if your top priority isn't entertaining people, you have no business calling yourself an entertainment company," agreed Harley, nodding. "That's like calling yourself a superhero and then going around attacking randomers minding their own business, like some Bat-people we could name."
"I think this movie will entertain people," said J.J. "I'd certainly invest my own money in producing it, and the number one rule of producing is never put your own money in the show."
"Thanks, J.J., that's nice to hear," said Joker. "It's great that you have faith in your old man. But hold the applause until the end – no matter how good the rest of it is, if you don't stick the ending, you can completely ruin the whole thing and any further interest in your products. It's called Game of Thrones syndrome."
"You really are in a pop culture ranting kinda mood, aren't ya, puddin'?" asked Harley, kissing his cheek.
"I'm just tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed," sighed Joker. "But what's the alternative? Give up hope and become a miserable, grim, brooding sad sack like the Bat? No, thank you! A little ranting is better than that, and taking my anger out on innocent people, of course. Nothing relieves your stress and strife like passing it on to someone else."
"Amen to that," agreed Harley. "Now let's get back to the movie, puddin'. I know I've spent a lotta time imagining what we were doing in the darkness of the intermission, and I can't wait to show it to you after we're done with the script read."
"Some people could use a little less imagination," muttered Joker, picking up the script again. "But then where would the fun be in that?"
"My thoughts exactly, Dr. Joker," purred Harley, kissing him again.
…
Indiana Joker and Dr. Harleen Quinzel left the oasis feeling refreshed. They had managed to pinpoint their location based on the position of the stars that evening, and followed them north back to the campsite, which they approached under cover of darkness. Which was lucky, as the camp was swarming with Nazis.
"We have to find that Batsignal mirror," murmured Joker. "If we can destroy it, the Nazis will never be able to release the Batman."
"It'll be in the artifact tent," whispered Harley. "But shouldn't we see if we can find and rescue Dr. Crane and Lord Tetch first? God knows what the Nazis are doing to them."
"Look, the lives of a couple nerds are insignificant compared to stopping the Nazis from getting control of the Batman," retorted Joker. "You heard the freak – he said he would be happy to help them. If the Nazis had an ancient, bloodthirsty god at the head of their ranks, no army in the world could stop them. The nerds will just have to wait to be rescued until after we destroy this Batsignal thing."
"Well, when you put it like that," agreed Harley, nodding. They managed to creep across the camp undetected, and snuck into the tent where the artifacts were kept…and came face to face with Dr. Crane and Lord Tetch, who were tied and gagged back to back, and stared at them in surprise.
"Are you guys ok?" gasped Harley, as she bent to remove their gags.
"For now," agreed Tetch. "I'd kill for a cup of tea though. The Nazis are talented at torture, but the worst torture is depriving me of my tea…"
"Oh yeah, that's a crime against humanity there!" snapped Joker sarcastically, as he glanced over the artifacts, searching for the mirror. "You're right – you're not built for adventuring, or life in general, if you can't go a couple hours without a cup of tea!"
"Where have you two been?" demanded Crane, as Harley untied them. "We thought the Nazis had killed you!"
"They tried," agreed Harley. "Harvey Dent trapped us in the Batman's temple. I didn't think we'd ever get out, but Dr. Joker kept my spirits up," she added, smiling at him.
"Oh yes?" said Crane, glaring at him jealously. "How exactly did he do that?"
"By getting us out via the Batman's tomb, for one," retorted Joker. "Women are very grateful for men of action in that situation, and they have wonderful ways of expressing their gratitude," he added, grinning at Harley.
She giggled, and Crane's jealousy only grew. But it changed to shock when Joker added, "But let me tell you, it was touch and go for a moment there. That Batman guy is a real buzzkill."
"He was actually in there?" gasped Crane. "You saw him?"
"What little we could – it was dark," replied Harley. "But he was terrifying enough without being seen. And we did find out something important – the Batman is chained in his tomb, and he can only be released with some kinda Batsignal. We think it has something to do with that round disc we found. That could be some kinda mirror to reflect the light. If we can destroy it, the Nazis can't ever release him."
"Harley, where is it?" demanded Joker. "I don't understand your filing system either!"
"It should be there," said Harley, hurrying over to help him look for it.
"It's not," said Joker, hunting everywhere. "Did the Nazis move or take anything when they put you losers in here?"
"We were sort of preoccupied by being tied up and beaten," retorted Tetch. "I can't say I noticed anything else but that."
"Well, even if they do have it, they don't know what it does," said Joker. "So there's no need to panic yet. Let's just get out of here before we're discovered…"
"Guten Abend," said a voice behind them.
They all turned slowly to see a group of Nazis pointing guns at them. "I must say, you two are harder to kill than I first thought," said Harvey Dent, striding into the tent. "But I think I'm up to the challenge," he added with a smile. "Bring them to my tent," he ordered, turning to the Nazis.
They were all four dragged across camp and deposited in Dent's tent, still under heavy guard. Dent went over to a table and poured himself a drink. "Despite what you may believe, I'm not a complete barbarian," he commented, pouring them a glass each. "You survived the slow death I had in mind for you, so it's only fair you're rewarded by as quick a death as possible. This will help numb the pain of a bullet to your brain," he added, holding out the drinks.
"I think I'd actually prefer some tea…" began Tetch, but Joker punched him.
"So what, you're just gonna shoot us?" demanded Joker, rounding on Dent. "Isn't that a little anti-climactic?"
"One thing I really appreciate about the Germans is their efficiency," said Dent. "They're not the type for elaborate, complicated schemes – just killing people quickly and effectively. It's time to take a page out of their book, I think. There's no reason to keep you alive, after all, is there?" he asked, turning away to admire his reflection in the mirror. And it was then that Joker noticed what the mirror was.
"Harley," he whispered, nodding at it. Harley looked and saw the disc they had found, cleaned up, with the symbol of a bat on it.
"Come on, drink up," said Dent, turning back to them. "And then let's get this over with. Ladies first, I think," he said, grabbing Harley's arm and wrenching her to her feet as he pulled out a gun and put it to her temple.
"If you kill us, you'll never be able to release the Batman," said Joker suddenly.
Dent laughed. "I think you're bluffing," he said. "And while I don't blame you for trying every trick in the book to remain alive, I'm afraid I don't believe you."
"We've seen the Batman," said Joker. "He's chained up. There is a way to release him from his chains, but you don't know what it is. But we do."
"Don't tell him," pleaded Harley, gazing at Joker. "Just let him kill me. It's better we all die than they release him."
"Nobody is dying today," retorted Joker. "Except for Nazi scum," he added, glaring at Dent.
"I admire your optimism, and your act," retorted Dent. "But I still think you're bluffing," he added, cocking his gun.
"Can you risk that, though?" asked Joker. "You can kill us, but your Führer is gonna be pretty upset when you go back to Berlin to tell him you don't have a Batman, and that you killed the only people who knew how to release him. Can you really take the chance that I'm bluffing, when there's even the slightest possibility that I'm not?"
Dent smiled at him, and then reached into his pocket, pulling out a coin. "Let's ask fate, shall we?" he murmured. "Heads, you live. Tails, you die."
He flicked the coin into the air, and then caught it in his hand. He opened it and smiled. "You live," he said, showing them the coin. "Just until you tell us how to free the Batman, of course," he added, shoving Harley to the ground.
"We're not telling you that," retorted Harley, glaring up at him.
"Oh, I wouldn't challenge me, Dr. Quinzel," murmured Dent, beckoning the Nazis forward. "We have ways of making you talk."