"What kind of ridiculous plan was that?!" demanded Crane, as he, Tetch, Harley, and Joker sat tied together back in the artifact tent. "Our situation hasn't improved in the slightest! Now Dent's in his tent preparing God knows what to torture us with rather than just shooting us quickly!"
"Would you rather he shot Harley?" demanded Joker, struggling against the ropes which bound them.
"Of course not, but if one of us talks, you'll have served the Batman to the Nazis on a silver platter!" snapped Crane.
"I'm not in the habit of serving Nazis!" snapped Joker. "Except unintentionally, like when I helped Dent find the Batman's temple. Or that time I accidentally helped that Red Skull guy, but I hadn't realized he was a Nazi, and when I did, I made him pay, so I stand by my statement. Anyway, nobody is going to talk, are they? Tetchy, you're not going to talk even if he offers you tea, right?"
"I can't guarantee that," admitted Tetch. "And I'm not sure I can blame anyone for talking under extreme torture."
"Lack of tea is not extreme torture!" snapped Joker.
"I think that's a matter of opinion," retorted Tetch.
"Dr. Crane is right – you should have just let Dent shoot me," agreed Harley, tears trailing down her face.
"I told you, no one is dying today," replied Joker. "Especially not you," he added, kissing her cheek. "This bought us time, which is what we need in order to escape," he said, as he reached into his pocket for his cigarette lighter. "Dent has the Batsignal in his tent – I need time to burn through these ropes and steal it from him. You heard Dent - the Germans are an efficient people. If he had killed us, in time the Nazis would have found the writing in the temple about the Batsignal the same as we did, and they would have put two and two together eventually. This way I'll have a chance to permanently destroy it, and it doesn't matter what happens to us after that. But we gotta stay alive to destroy the Batsignal."
"Even if we could get out of these ropes, there's no way you can sneak into Dent's tent without him noticing," retorted Crane.
"I could if he were distracted," replied Joker. "If he was focused on torturing someone, for instance."
"So you expect one of us to volunteer to be tortured?" demanded Crane. "Dent's not an idiot – he'll be suspicious of that…"
"Unless he's not distracted by torture," murmured Harley.
"How then?" asked Crane.
"By one of us saying that we'll talk to save the others," murmured Harley. "And then…occupying him until Dr. Joker can steal the Batsignal."
"What do you mean occupy him?" asked Crane. His face fell in horror. "You don't mean you're going to try to seduce that monster…"
"I don't see what choice we have, unless you want to try it," replied Harley.
"I don't think Dent swings that way, and even if he did, I'm sure he wouldn't be tempted by these two," retorted Joker, nodding at Crane and Tetch.
"How very insulting," commented Tetch. "I'm a rich nobleman, and therefore quite the catch for anyone…"
"Anyway, I'm not sure I want you doing something like that, toots," said Joker, ignoring him as he turned to Harley.
"Because it'll make you jealous?" she asked.
"Partially. And partially because if Dent doesn't buy it, you'll be the one he tortures," replied Joker. "I don't want you doing anything that dangerous."
"Trying to keep all the danger to yourself, huh, Dr. J?" she asked, managing a smile at him. "Kinda selfish of you."
He chuckled, kissing her. "I don't know if you know this, toots, but I'm crazy about you," he murmured.
"I know," she whispered, smiling at him.
They kissed again, and Crane rolled his eyes. "Wonderful. I'm glad I have insult added to injury. It's not enough that I'm about to be tortured by Nazis, but I have to suffer this torture…"
A group of Nazis entered the tent at that moment, breaking in on the tender scene. They spoke amongst themselves in German while pointing at the prisoners, when Harley spoke up, "You can take me to Mr. Dent first. I'm ready to talk."
They hauled her to her feet and dragged her off, leaving the three of them alone.
Joker clicked on his lighter and held it against the ropes. "You're burning my hand!" hissed Crane.
"It's better than Nazi torture, trust me!" snapped Joker.
The lighter burned through the ropes at last, and Joker stood up, rubbing his wrists. "Ok, you two stay here," he said. "After I grab the Batsignal, I'll take it back here. Have a weapon ready to smash it with," he added, creeping out of the tent.
He carefully picked his way over to Dent's tent, and waited outside, listening for a moment when he could sneak inside. He heard Harley's voice say, "You don't have to torture me, Harvey. You're a reasonable man. You're also a commanding, forceful man who's committed to his mission, and despite what you've done, I admire that. In fact, I find myself incredibly attracted to your firm resolution despite myself. I'm on my knees, begging you, that if I tell you what you want to know, you'll spare the others."
"And what will you give me if I do?" murmured Dent. Joker crawled under the tent to see Harley on her knees in front of Dent, his hand tilting her chin up to him.
"What…what do you want?" asked Harley, her wide blue eyes innocent.
He pulled her to her feet, and reached out a hand to stroke her cheek. "You're a very attractive woman, Dr. Quinzel," he murmured. "And I have been working very hard lately. I think I deserve a reward."
He kissed her, and she moaned, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him tighter against her. She opened her eyes and watched as Joker slowly straightened up, heading over to the mirror.
Harley grabbed Dent's face to keep him focused on her, with his back to the mirror. "I know it's wrong, but I want you so badly," she whispered.
"Of course you do," he murmured. "A woman like you would be wasted on that old nerd, or that pathetic clown. I thought I sensed something between you earlier when I was going to shoot you, but that must have been him pitifully hoping that if he could save you, you'd want him. But nobody could want that ugly brute."
Joker had the Batsignal in his hands, but paused at this, glaring at Dent and raising his fist. Harley met Joker's eyes, shaking her head warningly. "No, they couldn't," she agreed. "But I can't help myself from wanting you, Harvey. You're so handsome and strong and powerful…"
"You don't need to flatter me – I know," interrupted Dent. "And I know the effect I have on women. They simply can't resist this face…" he began, about to turn around to face the mirror.
"No, Harvey, just kiss me again!" gasped Harley, pulling him down onto the drinks table. She returned to his mouth, opening her eyes and nodding pointedly at Joker. He carefully lifted the Batsignal off the nail it was hanging on, but it made a slight screech as it was removed.
"What was that…" began Dent, whirling around and seeing Joker with the mirror in his hands. "You!" he hissed, but he was suddenly knocked out by Harley smashing a bottle over his head.
"Nice work, dollface," said Joker, helping her to her feet. "Now let's get outta here – someone will have heard that," he said, taking her hand and racing out of the tent.
They raced into the artifact tent as they heard an alarm being sounded across the camp. "Have you got it?" demanded Crane.
"Yeah, now let's do this," said Joker, laying the Batsignal down on a crate. Tetch handed him the ancient hammer they had found, and Joker raised it, bringing it down hard on the glass…
Which didn't shatter. Joker tried again, but the hammer didn't even crack it. "I don't understand!" he exclaimed. "Why isn't it smashing?!"
"Stop!" cried Crane, kneeling down to examine the mirror. The sides of it had hieroglyphics carved into them. "Harley, read that side – I'll read this," he said, adjusting his glasses. "The Batsignal can only be destroyed in the place where it was forged, the Batman's tomb…"
"God dammit, it's a stupid Lord of the Rings artifact!" exclaimed Joker.
"It will be destroyed once used," read Harley on her side. "The Batman can only be unchained once, and will unleash his force for he who lights…"
She shook her head. "It's not 'for' – I've never been good at prepositions! What is this word, Dr. Crane?" she asked, beckoning him over.
"I can't read it – the light's bad in here," said Crane, adjusting his glasses again.
They suddenly heard voices from outside the tent, and two Nazi guards entered. They saw the situation in the tent and raised their guns, and that was when Joker smashed them across the face with the hammer. He seized their dropped guns, tossing one at Tetch.
"Oh no, no, no, I'm no good with firearms!" exclaimed Tetch, tossing it back at him.
"God, why did I even bring you along?" demanded Joker. "You couldn't just be the slightest bit useful, could you?!"
They heard more voices drawing closer. "Time to run," said Joker, cocking both his guns. Harley grabbed the Batsignal, and they all four dashed out of the tent, trying to dodge the bullets being fired at them across the desert sand while Joker fired back. He led them over to the entrance to the Batman's temple, which was covered in rubble from Dent's dynamite. Crane, Tetch, and Harley dug hurriedly to clear it, while Joker stood in front of them, continuing to fire at the Nazis as they drew closer to them.
Joker's guns emptied, and he turned desperately to the other three. "Now would be a good time to have cleared that rubble!" he exclaimed.
"We're almost there!" gasped Crane, as he lifted a stone with Tetch's help. "Just hold them off a little longer!"
Joker swore, then threw one of the guns at one of the approaching Nazis, which hit him in the head. "Maybe that'll knock some sense into you idiots!" he shouted. "Anyone who's stupid enough to believe in the master race is far too stupid to rule the world! And universal order is never gonna happen, so just get that through your thick skulls!"
"We're clear!" exclaimed Crane. "But it looks like it's quite a long drop down…"
"You can break your legs or get shot – your choice!" snapped Joker.
"There might be a third choice," said Tetch, reaching into his jacket and unfolding a large cloth. "Everyone grab a side," he said. When they had obeyed, he shouted, "Jump!" and they all jumped into the hole together. The cloth acted like a parachute, inflating and depositing them all gently on the floor of the temple. The Nazis surrounded the hole and attempted to fire at them, but their aim was poor with the distance and the dark. They dispersed shortly after.
"They'll be back with proper equipment to get down here, but we won't be here when they get back," said Joker, hurrying over to the altar. "Let's just get in the secret passage and close it up so they can't find it."
"Where did you get that cloth, Jervis?" asked Crane.
"I saw it in the artifact tent and thought it would make a nice tablecloth for a tea setting I have," said Tetch.
"You can't just steal things because you think they'll look better in your home!" retorted Crane.
"I'm English, and raised in its Imperial tradition, so yes, I can," retorted Tetch. "And you can thank me for not breaking your neck."
"Yeah, you were useful after all, as it turns out," said Joker, pushing aside the altar. "And I know I speak for all of us when I say I didn't see that coming. Everyone in."
"I was kinda hoping we'd never have to deal with the Batman again," whispered Harley, as they all went down the steps into the passage.
"That makes two of us," agreed Joker, pulling the altar shut after them. "No such luck, I guess. In both reality and fiction, he's always there to be a thorn in our side."