Author's note
Hey guys! Sorry for the wait on this chapter but hopefully the fact that it's another super long one makes up for the wait just a bit! I'm so busy right now working on some new projects I'm so excited to announce and share with you guys soon, so it might take a little time between chapters these days and I'll probably only get one out once a week. We're getting to such a great part of the story though and I'm so excited to share it with you! In fact, when I told my hubby I was posting chapter 15 today his response was that it was so exciting I was getting to the 'really meaty chapters' which I thought was a hilariously accurate description! ;) Okay so I know you just want to finally dive into the chapter but I just have to say, the last few reviews left have been so fantastic and meaningful to me, like seriously the types of reviews that make me feel like 'oh they get it! this is why I love sharing this!' so thank you so much to those souls who took the time to leave me such amazingly kind and thought out responses to the last few chapters! I really do appreciate it! Okay, enjoy for now and I'll probably get out ch 16 next week so be sure to follow this story to get a notification as soon as I do!
xoxo, Jess
CHAPTER 15
Claire:
Claire stayed awake long after Bennett had fallen asleep on her bed. He hadn't even tried to get drunk with her. She wasn't sure if it was because Jamie was in the house with them or because the sheer amount of alcohol it would have taken wouldn't have left any for her to drink and he still probably wouldn't have been buzzed. Either way he had fallen asleep sober at around midnight. She knew he was exhausted because he was sprawled out across her bed snoring loudly and she wondered how much sleep he'd gotten after running patrol the night before. She wondered briefly who had to run patrol after the wedding celebrations and hoped for the briefest second that it'd be Quil because maybe he would sneak in through her window in the earliest hours of the morning after he finished. But she shook the thought away knowing he wouldn't do that now. Things weren't the same now as when he loved her.
Things would never be the same again.
She suddenly realized it as she let out a small drunken whimper and slid down the door frame of the bathroom with half of her skirt poofing into her room and the other flowing out onto the tile floor in front of the vanity.
They could never go back. Even if by some miracle Quil woke up in the morning with a sudden dawning realization that breaking up with her had been the worst mistake of his life and that his love for her was the only thing in the world that mattered. Even if they got back together and started making every plan for a future together where they would never be apart. Even if all of that happened, there would never again not be this time now when he had absolutely crushed her. There would always be this water under their bridge for them. They would never have that clean slate between them again from before he had broken her.
Claire whimpered again as she pressed her forehead to her kneecaps and let the tears fall free. "I'm such a sad drunk!" she mumbled sadly to herself over the sound of Bennett's snoring.
He'd been asleep for hours and it was already after three am, but Claire had kept herself awake, refusing to fall asleep, first so that she could finish strong and finish off the bottle of wine that Bennett had barely sampled but then afterwards she'd stayed awake with the logic that if she never fell asleep, she couldn't wake up with a hangover.
The logic had seemed so solid at the time, eventually after a few hours she'd started drinking water and taking aspirin. She'd still thrown up twenty minutes ago and it definitely hadn't been pleasant, but she was hopeful she could somehow simultaneously pass through the drunk and hungover phases so that when she did finally wake up after sleeping, she'd feel better instead of worse.
That had been her plan and it had seemed like a good idea, but in reality, it just left her all alone in the middle of the night, still half-drunk, miserable, and more lonely than she could ever remember feeling in her entire life. She had nothing to do but revisit all the painful memories of the past she was never supposed to think about.
She didn't even try not to cry as she relived in random drunken spurts memories of swimming beneath the waterfall in nothing but her underwear as Quil teased her with his hands on her back. Her heart squeezed painfully when she remembered the way he'd squeezed her leg lightly with his hand when he'd suddenly suggested excitedly that she move in with him like it would be the simplest thing in the world for the two of them to live together. She remembered the surprised and then blown away smile on his face when he first saw her blonde hair after she got back from Tennessee. The way he had kissed her sitting on the sand around a bonfire surrounded by their entire wolf family.
He had loved her, right?
She couldn't have just imagined that. He'd loved her. She knew he had.
But if he had ever loved her at all in the way that she had believed he did than how could he have left things like this with her all alone dealing with everything after her dad's death? She supposed he had still tried to be there to share in her burden and help with all the responsibilities now left to her…. but he would no longer be with her. So, he must not have loved her then, right?
'Marry me.'
That look on his face as he had said it. It wasn't even a question. He just said it like he couldn't not say it. Like everything inside of him simply needed it. Like Claire marrying him was the only thing he'd ever needed.
There wasn't even a doubt in her mind in that moment of what she should say.
'Yes.'
Weeks of confusion and doubt and wondering what he could possibly be thinking wanting to get married when she hadn't even finished high school yet and none of it mattered after that moment. Nothing mattered more than spending the rest of her life with him.
The tears seemed to be increasing in intensity and Claire knew she was staining the dark t-shirt of Bennett's she was wearing over her dress, but she couldn't make herself pull it back together again to stop the sobbing mess on the floor that she had become. She tried to think about Jamie and how she still needed to take him shopping for shoes and a backpack and all the schools supplies he'd need before kindergarten, or about Rachel and how Travis was shipping off to Basic training this coming week and how Rachel would definitely need her help and support to get through the coming weeks of her pregnancy, or about how she should really try to feel some concern for her mom and how she seemed to have gone completely off the rails since her dad's death. She even thought about Bennett and how every new day he spent apart from Macy seemed to leave him more haggard and exhausted even though he tried remarkably well to hide it. Everyone needed her. She still had a job, and a family, and friends all depending on her. And yet none of those thoughts seemed to be enough in her still half-drunk state to stop the waves of hurt and remorse that came crashing down on her as she sat somewhere in between her bathroom and her bedroom.
Why didn't he want her anymore?
It was the one thought that kept coming back and hitting her square in the chest even as she seemed to drown in the flood of random memories, some from her childhood, some of her dad, some of just moments when she'd still felt happy in a way that seemed lost to her forever.
Why didn't he want her?
It was killing her slowly. Hurting more than she ever knew was possible. She was so alone, and it hurt so much and yet the only person who would understand and know how to make her better was the one person doing this to her.
"Oh Claire…."
Claire suddenly jumped about a foot in the air and the back of her head stung as it smacked into the doorframe behind her when she startled at the soft voice that had come so unexpectedly from somewhere in the room above her.
"… Renesmee?" Claire asked confused as she tried to force her blurry eyes to focus on the obviously beautiful figure standing in her doorway.
Renesmee just sighed as she slowly made her way toward Claire through her bedroom and then stepped over her dress before she sat down on the bathroom tile next to her wearing the same dress as Claire was but in a much more impressive and less chaotic manner.
"What are you doing here?" Claire asked as she to hurry to wipe at the mess of snot, tears, and makeup smeared around her face in a panicked rush to pull herself together again as best she could.
"It's okay." Renesmee assured her as she fed an arm behind Claire and then pulled her towards her until Claire's head flopped against her rock hard shoulder. "I came alone."
Claire just nodded gratefully against her as she released whatever pitiful control she'd gained over her tears, so that the flow that had simply slowed came pouring out again against Renesmee's shoulder.
"It just hurts so much!" Claire cried as she pulled her hands into fists against the material of the shirt and dress bunched between her stomach and legs.
Renesmee nodded silently as she wrapped her other arm around Claire too so that she was holding her now as she started rocking them both back and forth.
"What happened, Claire? When I was here for the funeral….. I mean I know things were hard after your dad but….. you and Quil just seemed like such a team." She whispered just as Claire's vision went blurry and suddenly, she was seeing a quick picture of herself in a black dress with a cardigan. It was her dad's funeral and Claire had some deep circles under her eyes but Quil was standing right beside her… and they were holding each other's hands so tightly….
Claire started at the almost forgotten sensation that Renesmee's gift caused but she realized immediately why she'd shown her this memory. They did look like a team, like even in their worst moment's they still clung to each other, obviously Renesmee was very confused about the broken state she had arrived to find Claire and Quil now in.
Claire shook her head against Renesmee's shoulder as she muttered, "He was never okay with me after my dad died….. he tolerated me because he couldn't dump me that soon after, but he never wanted me again once he was gone."
"That can't be true." Renesmee muttered as she rubbed her hand vigorously up and down Claire's arm, trying to soothe her as they continued to rock together.
"It is!" Claire assured her with a bitter little laugh even as she pulled Bennett's shirt directly up between them and wiped her nose against it before burying her whole face in it and wiping.
It was quiet except for Bennett's snores as they sat together on the hard floor and Claire tried hard to stop crying.
Renesmee didn't seem to mind the tears and just kept holding her close as the alcohol did what Claire refused to and brought her walls down to reveal the brokenness inside of her.
The tears finally started to slow after about fifteen minutes and yet Claire didn't feel any sense of relief. Nothing felt better. There was no release of pent up emotion from inside of her. In fact, she figured it was simply exhaustion and dehydration that stopped the stem of tears from continuing unchecked.
Renesmee sighed again in a painfully sad way as she finally stopped rocking them and leaned backwards so that Claire hit the doorframe again and she hit the wall behind her and relaxed her arms around her so that one fell away and the other rested behind Claire on the floor.
"We were engaged."
Claire gasped after she heard the words come out of her own mouth. She had no idea she was going to say them. She hadn't planned to at all. It was just Quil's words of 'Marry me.' that kept bouncing painfully against her heart followed by the sound of her own confident 'Yes.' that must have made the confession come pouring out of her.
Renesmee gasped a little as she turned her head while the rest of her body froze in a stance so solid it reminded Claire that she wasn't completely human. She didn't say or do anything else to respond as she clearly waited for Claire to continue.
Claire sniffled and wiped again at her mess of a face as she stared at her toes peeking out of her dress and continued,
"No one else besides Bennett knows…. We never told anyone, and Bennett only found out after Quil had already broken up with me."
Claire was surprised by how calm she sounded, like she was just stating facts even though those facts were the thing that was shredding her alive from the inside out.
Renesmee simply lifted the arm behind Claire so that her hand was resting softly on her back and Claire knew that she was listening.
"… We didn't get the chance to tell anyone….. he proposed the day my Dad died….. He wasn't planning on doing it…. It just happened… it was like he couldn't control it. It just popped out of his mouth-" Claire suddenly laughed a little sadly as she remembered the moment, "His face looked shocked! I don't know if he was more surprised that he'd actually asked without meaning to or that I said yes." Claire whispered in a happily sad voice and somehow without looking at her she knew that Renesmee was also smiling sadly at the story that obviously didn't have a happy ending. "He walked me home and we talked about getting married this summer… he was going to talk to my dad about it the next day, ask for his blessing, you know, the whole thing… and then we just… we just never talked about it again until the day he told me he couldn't marry me. He couldn't be with me 'in that way' at all…" She balled her hands together tighter in front of her stomach somehow hoping that would help her hold on, though she had no idea what it was she was holding onto anymore.
"I'm so sorry, Claire." Renesmee whispered.
Somehow the painful tone of Renesmee's voice seemed to give her the permission she needed to just let go and she was crying again which seemed silly because she'd never really stop.
"… It's just so hard!" Claire cried against her shoulder as Renesmee wrapped her arms around her again. "Jamie, and Rachel, and my mom. I'm trying so hard, Nessie, but I have no idea what I'm doing!" She was gasping as she spoke since she was still crying, and the words seemed to be flooding out of her faster than she could release them. "And I know he's still here to help but how can I tell him that him helping is just worse because the thing that hurts the most-."
She suddenly stopped as she gasped in air feeling like she hadn't been breathing properly in months.
"… Is him?" Renesmee asked as she tried to finish for Claire.
Claire nodded as she wiped at her eyes that just kept gushing. "He just hurts soo much!" she whispered as she used her open palms to pound at the center of her chest and her stomach, Renesmee nodded like she understood that that was exactly where Quil lived within Claire.
Claire suddenly jumped again when someone sat down beside her, and she looked over to realize that Bennett had stopped snoring at some point while she was sobbing against Renesmee and she hadn't noticed. He placed a hand tentatively against her back below Renesmee's.
"… We know, Claire…." He muttered sadly.
Claire just sighed in relieved surprise as she leaned farther into Renesmee's shoulder at the same moment she reached out with her left arm and grabbed onto Bennett's free hand in his lap. She squeezed it as tightly as she could.
She had no idea where her body had even found the liquid to make them, but the tears continued. This time finally feeling like each one was a small relief of the pain. Renesmee placed a hand lovingly on top of Claire's hair where she held her against her shoulder. And Claire just cried as she leaned into Renesmee's arms on the bathroom floor and held onto Bennett's hand still sitting in her bedroom until she couldn't hold her eyes open anymore.
She barely felt it when Bennett squeezed his arms under her an hour later and then lifted her gently until she rolled against him. She never opened her eyes as he laid her gently across the bed while she still wore her bridesmaid dress under the Rolling Stones t-shirt and then finally turned off the light.
.
The clock on her wall read 11:28 am by the time Claire rolled over with a lot of crinkling onto her back. She rubbed at her face with her hand but pulled it away surprisingly clean and realized that she had cried off all her makeup the night before until there was basically nothing left on her face. She knew immediately that she was still in her dress with Bennett's t-shirt over it. One side of the dress had come unstuck underneath it and she could feel tape and glue curling against her skin as it brushed the materials of her dress and shirt, the silicon 'lifting cup' still seemed stuck to her but it was itching a ridiculous amount.
Since it was obvious that Claire was alone in her room, she immediately reached down the front of her shirt and peeled it off, slapping it on her nightstand before she noticed the giant orange Gatorade Renesmee must have left for her along with two Advil's in a tiny medicine cup. Claire sighed gratefully as she ignored the heavy headed feeling along with the mild nausea and sat up to guzzle the fluids.
She wondered if her push through hangover phase/water drinking plan had actually worked, or if she had just simply cried out all the wine she'd drunk the night before because she had definitely had much worse hangovers with just the handful of times she'd gotten drunk.
She still had her bridesmaid dress glued to one boob while the other side of her dress just brushed against her under the gray t-shirt every time she moved but she ignored it as she stood up and wondered out of her room.
She knew that Rachel was spending the entire day with Travis while she could, but she had no idea where Jamie was and wondered if it was Renesmee or Bennett that had taken him in the morning while she'd slept. She was pulling pins out of her hair as she meandered down the hall and her solidly hair-sprayed hair was very crunchy. Her dress made a lot of noise when she moved because it seemed to be squirming under her shirt which turned out to be inconvenient because it made it so that it wasn't until she was halfway down the stairs that she realized there were people in the dining room below with a clear view of her.
She looked up from yanking a few pins along with a solid clump of hair away from her scalp to try to spot a note on the table only to realize that Jamie was sitting there pointing out all of the intricacies of his Lego creation to their mother who was eating a sandwich and looking more polished and put together than Claire remembered seeing her in weeks. Quil was sitting on the other side of Jamie and also had a sandwich in front of him though his lay untouched on his plate since he had clearly frozen when he'd seen Claire coming down.
Claire froze too as she realized that everyone had gone silent (except for Jamie who probably wouldn't stop talking even if there were alarms blaring in the background) as they stopped to stare up at her. Her cheeks heated as she contemplated if she could get away with sneaking back upstairs and taking a shower before coming back down again but immediately realized everyone had clearly already seen her.
She sighed as she forced herself to continue moving down the stairs since it was too late to do anything else and noticed that Quil was wearing athletic pants and one of his t-shirts, she wondered when he'd come over and if he'd already known her mom was home since he clearly hadn't brought Butch with him.
It was silent as she made it to the bottom of the stairs and Jamie finally looked up from his Legos to notice her.
"Claire! You're finally up!" he said happily like it was completely normal for him to see her walk of hangover shame every day. "Mom's home!"
Claire forced a smile at him as she moved to start toward the kitchen, "I see that, Buddy."
"Hello, Claire." Her mom said meaningfully like she should know that she was in some kind of trouble.
Claire just nodded, still embarrassed as she pulled another pin out that must have been the catalyst because her hair finally fell down in crunchy waves behind her.
"Nice dress." Her mom remarked clearly not impressed.
Claire just cringed in response.
"I like the T-shirt personally." Quil said in a voice that was clearly as annoyed as her mom before Claire had the chance to think of a response.
Claire immediately threw a frown at him in annoyance. She hadn't looked directly at him yet because she was so embarrassed to be caught in her hungover state after he'd heard her meltdown at the wedding and she had no idea how much he knew about her night with Bennett and Renesmee, but she looked up at him to convey her frustration since as far as she was concerned, he had no business commenting on her appearance ever.
"Thanks, it's a personal favorite." She said confidently to him and knew that she sounded a bit like a brat.
"Whose is it?" he asked easily like it wasn't a big deal, but his shoulders were definitely tense, and he hadn't quite made eye contact when he'd said it.
She suddenly realized he was pissed because he must realize that the shirt belonged to Bennett.
Apparently, it was still fine for her to wear his shirts, but she couldn't wear her other ex-boyfriend's clothes.
She just huffed in annoyed frustration that was doing nothing to help her wine headache when her mom, who she'd almost forgotten about for a moment, said, "That must have been some party last night."
She had that same false air of pleasantness that usually meant Claire was in serious trouble.
"It was a wedding." Claire huffed as she moved to stand in front of the table with her hands on the chair in front of her.
She suddenly had a flash of memory of the morning that she'd sat in that exact chair holding Quil's hand under the table as they ate breakfast with her family after her dad had caught him asleep in her bed with her. Everyone had been there but her mom.
Even before her dad had died her mom had been absent and now after barely making any form of appearance in their lives for months on end she wanted to come in and judge Claire on her worst day?
"We were all there." Claire pulled herself back into the conversation enough to say softly as she nodded around the table toward Quil and Jamie.
"Yeah, but I changed into my pajamas last night." Jamie said happily like he was completely oblivious to the tension in the conversation.
Claire smiled at him, feeling amused with him which she focused on since she was so annoyed with everyone else. "How do you know I don't usually sleep like this?" she immediately teased him.
"That doesn't look like pajamas!" he argued back as he laughed, and Claire shook her head at him.
"This is my favorite way to sleep… it makes me dream of being a rock princess." She said speaking only to him and Jamie just laughed even harder at the idea before he replied,
"Then why didn't you take your makeup off first!? You look like a Halloween zombie princess!"
Claire cringed again suddenly remembering that she hadn't actually looked at her hair or face in a mirror before wondering down the stairs.
"Thanks a lot, James." She replied a little sarcastically.
"You should eat some food. It'll help with the nausea." Her mom suddenly degreed and Claire sighed in response even as she nodded because she didn't want to argue with her mom in front of Jamie, and the only responses she could think of were sarcastic ones.
"I made a pot of coffee for you an hour ago but I'm sure it's cold now." Quil said with no inflection in his voice, and she looked over at him again while she felt her face scrunch.
"Thanks." She muttered lifelessly while she wondered again if he'd seen Renesmee or Jake since the night before and hoped that he hadn't.
She wondered past them in a loud rustle as she made her way into the kitchen and felt more than heard Quil stand up and follow her. Her stomach dropped knowing he was about to speak with her away from where her mother could hear.
She grabbed a glass from the cabinet and moved to the fridge in an effort to avoid him, but he was right in front of her gently grabbing her arm to make her acknowledge him. She was forced to look at him and her heart squeezed painfully even as he frowned at her before he opened his mouth. Before he could get anything out her mom was speaking behind him and Claire froze,
"I know I haven't been around much lately but that doesn't mean the rules have suddenly changed here."
Claire looked around Quil's shoulder in front of her to look at her mom in confusion. She was turned in her chair to face them as she continued, "I know Quil spent the night last night. It's still not allowed for the two of you to be having sleepovers just because your dad is no longer around to enforce it."
Claire stiffened as she looked up at Quil in surprise just in time to see all the color drain from his face as he immediately dropped his hand on her arm and took a step back from her like she had some contagious disease he didn't want to catch.
She chose to ignore his reaction as she looked at her mom and said with no emotion in her voice, "Mom, Quil didn't spend the night, I had no idea he was here until I came downstairs."
"Mmhmm, and it was just some other man I spotted sneaking out of your room after four this morning?" Her mom said skeptically.
Claire laughed in response before she replied, "Yeah, actually it was."
She caught sight of her mom's disbelief before she said simply, "Bennett, Mom. Bennett was the one that left this morning."
"Good Lord, Claire! How many boyfriends do you need sneaking out of here!?" her mom gasped, and Claire looked over at the way Quil stiffened beside her and realized he was looking at her with frustrated disbelief after her mom had apparently referred to him as her boyfriend. "No more sleepovers, Claire. I mean it. The last thing this family needs right now is for one of you girls to get pregnant."
Claire actually snorted at that as Quil stiffened even harder next to her and she knew he was annoyed at her for not informing her mom about everything that had been going on in her absence. Claire wondered how Jamie was going to respond to all of this but was relieved that he seemed to be choosing to ignore it as he tried to adjust a complicated piece on his Lego spaceship.
"Claire and I aren't together like that anymore, Susan." Quil said suddenly and Claire turned away not wanting to be a part of the conversation.
She stuck her glass in the fridge and let the loud noise of the ice falling drown out everything else for a few blissful moments until the glass was full and then pulled it back as she moved to the coffee pot Quil had left for her.
"Claire?" her mom asked in clear disbelief.
"Yes, mom?" she replied as she tried not to sound too annoyed but knew she wasn't being very successful.
"Did you and Quil breakup?" she asked in what was clearly frustration.
"Yes, mom." She repeated as she focused on the pot in her hand she poured over the ice in her cup.
"When!?" she demanded, and Claire still didn't look up as she reached to grab the milk out of the fridge.
"About three weeks after dad died." Claire replied easily as she poured the milk in until the cup was almost overflowing.
She could feel both her mom and Quil watching her, but she didn't look up. The silence was heavy and weighted but every time she looked at Quil she felt just a little bit like crying again, it didn't help that she could tell that her eyes were still puffy and swollen from the night before. Instead, she grabbed a spoon out of the drawer before using rather sporadic movements to grab the canister of sugar out of the cabinet.
She knew the question her mom wanted to ask: why hadn't she told her sooner? But when she let the silence continue instead of asking it Claire knew it was because they both already knew the answer to it.
"So, you're seeing Bennett again now?" she asked instead, and Claire continued focusing on what she was doing as she dumped almost a full two tablespoons worth of sugar directly into the milk swirling around the coffee in her glass.
Claire was silent as she began stirring it all together and she contemplated just saying yes because it seemed like the simplest way to just make this conversation go away and also because Quil's presence was resting heavy right beside her and she wondered how much it would bother him if she did say yes.
"No." Quil finally answered when she still hadn't said anything.
She was sorely tempted to look up at him when he said it, but she knew that was what he wanted so she resisted as she took a sip of her coffee that ended up being both sweeter and creamier than she'd intended thanks to her hyper focused effort on it.
"Claire?" her mom questioned again, and she finally turned around to look at her mom that was still at the table and was giving Claire her full and undivided attention while she seemed to be sizing her up.
Claire couldn't remember the last time she'd done that to her. It had to have been months, maybe even years, but she was familiar enough with her mother to know what it meant. She was concerned about what she was seeing. The thought made Claire feel like her bones were going weak and her urged to cry surfaced even stronger again though she fought it back with ease probably due to her current level of dehydration.
She wasn't sure if she was more grateful or angry for her mother's concern… She had been waiting for months to have a parent step forward in her life again and notice the everyday problems that were currently spiraling out of control around her, but on the other hand, how dare Susan step in now and judge how well she was doing based solely on her appearance on one of her worst days….
"Bennett and I are just friends." Claire confirmed lifelessly as she took another sip of her coffee, when the ice hit her teeth, she reached in the drawer behind Quil to grab a straw, her arm scrapped across his back just slightly and he froze in response before giving the slightest shiver.
"Then why did he stay the night last night?" Susan pressed snapping Claire back to the conversation before she allowed herself to indulge in analyzing Quil's reaction to her touch.
She was too distracted and honestly hungover to think of a response other than the truth so she simply took a deep breathe before replying, "…Because I was drunk ….. and Jamie was still in the house."
She said it nonchalantly, but she could feel the shame sliding deep down her chest and her eyes fill with the stupid never-ending tears again as the words came out. Her breathing was escalating, and she was squeezing her glass tightly as she waited for Quil and Susan's responses, preparing for the angry tirades that were about to follow when Jamie surprised everyone by hopping off his chair.
He had looked directly up at Claire when she'd mentioned him and then just slid off his chair before walking into the kitchen and then wrapping his arms around Claire's waist right where his head hit her in the stomach managing to squish the dress and shirt she was wearing.
Claire stood in shock for a second as she patted the back of his head with her free hand until he grabbed a handful of the Rolling Stone's shirt and yanked on it a couple of times. Claire took it as sign he wanted her lower, so she set her glass back on the counter before crouching down with a whole rustle of material to get to his level where he wrapped his arms around her neck. Claire immediately seized the comfort he was offering as she squeezed his little body tightly against her chest.
"I love you best, Claire." He whispered directly into her ear like he didn't want anyone else to hear. Claire knew that Quil could still hear but she pretended he couldn't as she squeezed him tighter in response.
She wasn't sure what he meant, if he was telling her not to worry about their mother because he liked her better or if she was just his favorite person or simply some other Jamie phrase that he assumed made perfect sense but that's meaning wasn't completely clear, either way Claire didn't hesitate when she grabbed his chin and turned his head slightly so that she could put her mouth directly to his ear the same way he'd done to her as she whispered in response,
"Don't worry, Jamie. I love you best too."
He pulled back to smile at her as he gave her an insanely over exaggerated wink and then held out his pinky for her, she was confused for a second before she realized he was asking for a promise and winked back as she wrapped her pinky around his. He smiled happily at her before he suddenly used both his hands to grab at her face in front of him so that he was palming her cheeks and squeezing her lips forward. He suddenly leaned forward and popped a loud kiss directly on her lips. He pulled back with a mad giggle and wiped the lower half of his face off as if he'd kissed something much more slobbery and gross than Claire would ever consider herself and immediately ran away from her. He barely stopped at the table to grab his spaceship made of Legos and then ran directly upstairs without acknowledging his mother or Quil at all.
When Claire heard his door snap shut, she suddenly laughed with surprise at his unexpected gift of affection and forced herself back up on her wobbly legs. She again sensed more then saw Quil hesitantly reach forward like he wanted to grab her and help pull her up before he stopped himself and shoved his hands into the pockets of his athletic pants.
"What was that about?" Susan asked confused and Claire looked over as she grabbed her glass off the counter again.
"I'm not sure." She replied unconcerned with a shrug as she used a hand to push away from the counter and start what felt like the extremely long and dangerous trek that it took to pass Quil and her mom and get from the kitchen to the stairs again. "I'm gonna take a shower now."
She wasn't sure if her mom was stunned or pissed but she didn't seem like she was about to say anything, and Claire wanted to take advantage of what she was sure was her temporary speechlessness. It wasn't until she was almost to the table passing her mother in the dining room that she felt Quil's presence behind her. She was hoping he'd stay in the kitchen but as she moved passed the table to the stairs, she suddenly felt his too hot hand on her arm and his sudden gentle yank had her hurrying forward as she steadied the drink in her hand.
"Excuse us for one second, Susan." Quil barely mumbled as he pushed the back door open and then dragged Claire out of it, too stunned to respond other than to follow and try to keep her coffee from spilling.
He let her go as her feet hit the patio and then used his hand to swing the door closed behind them before Susan could respond.
"What's going on, Claire?" he suddenly asked seriously from only a foot and a half away from her and she resented him and his presence for forcing her to look directly up at him and his dark eyes that held too much power to hold her to them.
She sighed in exhaustion already even though she didn't even know what he wanted yet before she just shrugged in response and looked at him with obvious confusion.
"What do you mean?" she asked and was surprised by how tired her voice sounded even in her own exhausted ears.
"… Claire! ..." Quil huffed like he was frustrated…. She wasn't sure if it was with her or because he felt like she was somehow being obtuse when he took a step away and forced some angry hands through his hair and then pulled them forward again to gesture at her still in front of him where he'd left her as he said, "Look at you!"
She immediately looked down at the borrowed shirt that was indeed covered in mystery spots of what she knew to be a combination of sweat, tears, makeup, and snot. It was bulking out unevenly across her chest from covering her only half glued on dress and then her skirt was poofing out dramatically from where the bottom of the shirt pushed it up around her waist, she was just now noticing that the bottom six inches of it were varying shades of dirty black from where it'd obvious hit the wet ground in places as she'd walked and danced the night before.
"Don't be such a jerk." Claire muttered defensively as she used her free hand to wipe the side of her face as she looked away and hoped it removed something instead of just smearing more.
Quil didn't even acknowledge her response as he continued. "You're drinking and partying! You have Bennett stay over nights because you're too wasted to take care of yourself or Jamie! You didn't tell your mother about our breakup or what about the fact that Rachel, I don't know, is pregnant and got married! You're wearing that dress! You don't talk to me for days on end and I can never tell if you're pissed the hell off or just having some sort of full-scale teenaged melt down!"
He listed each argument like some sort of point against her as he used his hands and spoke incredibly animatedly.
Claire had gasped when he'd first started listing what he obviously considered her failings and but then just stood there and took it as he continued on while the angry resentment simpered within her until it reached a near breaking point.
She had a defense for all his points but didn't feel like arguing with him especially since defending herself would just solidify the claim in his mind that she owed him an explanation.
She clenched her teeth together and squeezed the glass she was holding until she was afraid it would shoot right out of her hand thanks to the heavy condensation on the sides and looked away from him to take a deep breath. She felt marginally more in control when she looked back at him a second later and said in a mostly calm voice,
"…What the hell is your point, Quil?"
"Don't curse, Claire!" he said immediately like somehow, she had just pissed him off with her language.
"Don't be such a hypocrite!" she shot back immediately only barely keeping her voice from shouting so that her mom and all their neighbors couldn't overhear.
She suddenly had the desire to either throw her glass directly at the side of his head or else dump the entire sticky overly sweetened icy mess all over him…. Maybe even both, so instead she turned around and quickly set the glass on the patio table before she could no longer resist temptation as he spoke from behind her back.
"This is what I'm talking about! Cursing!? You never curse! That's not you!" he said in obvious frustration as kept using his hands to gesture at her like her physical appearance was just validity to the argument he was presenting.
Claire wanted to point out that the old her never cursed but that held no bearing on what she said, or did now, but again that would just be arguing with him and as angry as she was, the only thing she currently wanted from Quil, was to lessen the hold he had on her life, and getting into an argument about who she was and how she was behaving would definitely not help with that objective. She didn't respond at all as she folded her arms loosely across her chest and waited to see if he was finished so that she could finally leave to take a shower. Apparently, he wasn't finished though because when she didn't respond he just continued,
"I have no idea who you even are anymore!" she really wanted to point out that that was his own fault but bit her tongue as she tried to patiently wait him out, "I mean what the hell is that dress you're wearing!?"
At that Claire's head shot up, her anger overtaking her control even as she spoke in what was almost a calm voice, "What's wrong with the dress!?"
"Oh, come on, Claire!" Quil scoffed as he gestured up and down with his hand at her dress under the shirt, "We both know the answer to that."
"Say it, Quil." She challenged immediately refusing to acknowledge that the dress had ever made her uncomfortable.
"It's… inappropriate..." he tried to answer quickly, and Claire could tell he was trying his best to maintain what he felt was control of the situation by acting again like he was the adult responsible for her.
"Inappropriate? How? What's wrong with it? I actually think it's a great color." Claire bluffed as she refused to back down.
Quil scoffed again before he replied angrily, "No one was looking at the color… no one was looking at the dress at all!"
"So, then what were they looking at, Quil?" Claire continued to challenge, refusing to let him just hint at his meaning, "Say it, Quil! Why is the dress so upsetting, hmm?"
Quil suddenly growled in frustration at what she was doing before he took a step directly up to her so that they were less than six inches apart and she had to look directly up at him,
"You know exactly what's wrong with that dress and why it'd be inappropriate for a sixteen-year-old girl to be wearing it."
Claire scoffed at him as she shook her head in frustration and turned away from him. She immediately wanted to say that she wasn't a child but knew that it'd just sound childish to say it. Quil grabbed her arm and yanked as she tried to turn away so that she was pulled back but this time directly into his chest,
"No, don't walk away from me again. I'm right and you know it. Why can't you ever just admit that!?" he sounded like some sort of desperate mix of frustrated, angry, and exasperated.
Claire suddenly wondered if they were still talking about the dress or if they were talking about themselves now as she tried to look into his eyes but somehow only landed on his lips in front of her because being chest to chest made it too difficult to look all the way up at him, she sounded a little breathless instead of angry as she replied, "…Because you aren't right."
Quil's breathing seemed to speed as his chest pushed against hers with each breath and she wondered if she was imagining it as it seemed like his lips she was staring at, seemed to be inching slowly closer to her.
He suddenly dropped her arm he was using to hold her to him as he scoffed out, clearly frustrated by her response and took a step back.
"I am right!" he said in desperate exasperation, "and we both know it! You're SIXTEEN-YEARS-OLD, Claire!"
Claire blew out a shocked breath, feeling breathless and shaken from what had just occurred between them and the electric charge it seemed to generate between them even though she wasn't even sure what it had been but was suddenly grateful for the space between them as she brought her hands together to press firmly against her chest in between her breasts where she could feel her heart beating almost painfully fast.
She sounded surprisingly calm when she responded a moment later, "…Maybe the reason you don't recognize who I am anymore, Quil, is because you're desperately searching for the girl I used to be….."
Quil just shook his head in annoyance at her and Claire's heart dropped at his response. For just a single second she'd thought he was going to finally be reasonable and talk to her about it, but of course not.
"I can't be the child you seem to want me to be. I'm sorry to disappoint you." She said quickly, trying to hide her own disappointment though she wasn't sure she succeeded.
She grabbed her drink off the table again and stepped forward to open the door, she'd already stepped through it and was about to let it slap closed behind her when she stopped. It took all of the control she had to turn her head slightly, so she was speaking behind her at him as she said coolly,
"Thanks for the pot of coffee. It was a sweet gesture."
"I made it for Susan when she came down the stairs." Quil responded angrily and she immediately wondered why he was being so petty.
Claire had to resist the urge to flip him off in response as she let the door slam shut and walked back upstairs in an angry huff.
By the time she came back down from her shower, feeling about 20 times better about herself while wearing clean clothes and makeup even though her hair still hung wet down her back, Quil was gone. She spent the rest of the day avoiding her mom by taking Jamie back to school shopping and then meeting Rachel and Trav out for dinner.
The next week passed in a blur of nannying as Renesmee forced Claire to drag all four kids around La Push with them while spending as much time with her as possible before she and Jacob flew home again on Thursday. Claire did finally pay the full payment for her place at Cheer camp in two weeks though she wasn't even a hundred percent sure who would be around to help watch Jamie. Rachel approached Claire on Wednesday and asked her if she'd feel okay using some of their inheritance to pay for fall housing at U dubb for the fall semester. Claire made an online payment less than an hour later, surprised but thrilled that Rachel had decided to take fall classes while Travis was potentially deployed and before she had the baby sometime in December. Their mom hovered around, cleaning and making lists and cooking and grocery shopping hyper-productively until Tuesday when she suddenly disappeared without explanation again. Claire never left Jamie alone with her again after she'd gotten out of her hung over shower on Sunday. She couldn't explain it, but she had this horrible feeling that if she left him with her, Susan would take him and disappear and as ridiculous as that thought was, Claire wasn't willing to risk it.
Claire took Friday off from nannying to drive to Seattle in her dad's crossover that now belonged to Rachel. Travis was flying to Texas for Basic Training and Claire drove Jamie, Rachel, and him to the airport.
Claire hadn't thought she'd ever see a more tearful and painful goodbye at the Sea Tac airport than the one she'd said to Quil when she'd flown to Tennessee, but watching Rachel standing there shaking with her hands around her small baby bump as Travis walked away in fatigues with his new buzz cut and pack across his back was one of the most heart-breaking things she'd ever witnessed. Rachel cried all the way to the car as Claire wrapped her arms around her and guided her as she did her best to comfort her.
"It's only six weeks." She murmured comfortingly as Jamie walked silently beside them, obviously intimidated by Rachel's hormonal meltdown in public.
"I know!" Rachel sniffled, "But then he'll get his assignment! What if he's assigned overseas, Claire!?"
"Then you'll go with him!" Claire said easily as they approached the car, "You've always wanted to travel and experience other places!"
"What if he's deployed and the baby and I can't go with him!? I can't be a single mom, Claire!" she continued her panic as Claire unlocked the car and then opened the back door for her, thinking it would be better for her to sit there holding Jamie's hand then in the front seat.
"Then you'll come live with Jamie and me while he's gone. I'll help you raise the baby, Rachel. You'll have all of us. Me, Jamie, Bennett, Emily and Sam, even Quil and the rest of the wolves. You won't ever be alone, and deployments don't last forever." Claire assured her as Rachel hoped in around her small but burgeoning belly and then got situated.
Claire shut the door and then took a breath as she got in the front, praying that Rachel wouldn't ask the next question in that line of thinking: but what if he's killed?
Claire held her breath and then let it out with relief when instead Rachel simply said, "Yeah, you're right. I'll just focus on taking as many credits as I can while he's gone and before the baby turns our lives upside down."
Claire was able to avoid spending time with Quil all week by somehow managing to formulate the perfect algorithm of time spent seeing him and checking in so that the imprint part of their relationship was mostly fulfilled, without ever stopping and really interacting with him. She'd usually stop by the shop in the mornings right before Quil was about to shower and start his day and either pick Butch up for her run or else drop him off after her run twenty four hours later, since they'd seemed to wordlessly agree to an alternating days custody situation with their dog though that was always rearranged to accommodate if Claire's mother showed up since she had no idea a dog was currently living in her house half the days of the week. Quil seemed to already be there in the evenings with Butch when she and Jamie got home from La Push and she and him along with Rachel would all seem to work together amicably to make dinner before they all sat down and listened to Jamie talk about his day. Half the time Bennett showed up to hang out and eat too which both helped and hurt since the tension seemed to increase with him in the room, but he was also another person to buffer the space between Claire and Quil.
Claire knew that Quil was still pissed at her after their fight, and they never tried to speak to each other directly unless it was in monotone all business voices like Quil asking Claire to hand him a spatula or else Claire informing Quil that she had Butch and would just take him home with her after her run. To his credit as she'd walk out the door for her run with Butch, he always said, 'Be careful, Claire. You're the only thing that matters to me.". She never responded but after the first time she began to resent it.
"You're the only thing that matters to me…."
What the hell did that even mean? and why would he keep saying it when she felt like the last thing he was treating her as, was the most important thing in his world…
When he opened his mouth to say it to her on Saturday morning as she was leaving his place with Butch, Claire cut him off with her hand held up, it'd been a long and emotional night of holding Rachel until she'd cried herself to sleep over Travis and Claire needed to be extra quick with her run since she didn't want to have to leave Rachel alone with Jamie for too long, so she'd somehow had too much of the reminder from Quil when she stopped him before he could get it out and said irritably, "I got it, Quil. I'll be careful!"
He looked offended but she didn't even stop as she pulled on Butch's leash and led him right out the door and then began running without bothering to stretch or warm up at all. Quil didn't come over for dinner that night and he didn't text her to offer an explanation which was a first, but Claire found herself forcing herself to focus on the gratitude for the space and the break from constantly feeling like she was under surveillance instead of the part of her that felt irrationally hurt and saddened by his missing presence.
She skipped her run on Sunday morning, so she didn't drop Butch off and just kept him home with her, Rachel, and Jamie where they got out home movies, mostly from Jamie's birth, and heard and saw their dad for the first time since his death. It was sad and painful to see him again and know that this was the only form they could see him in anymore, but they smiled through the tears and enjoyed the little things about him they'd already seemed to be forgetting like the catch in his voice he always had when he'd tell a joke or the way he'd always grabbed their head and hold it when they'd give him a hug.
Quil showed up at the same time as Bennett and Claire was grateful for Bennett's timing and his sense of humor that kept things from getting awkward while Claire and Rachel quickly wiped their tears and packed up the videos for later and then while they order pizzas.
Claire was walking into the kitchen to grab a cup with a lid for Jamie since he'd asked for milk instead of water when she felt Quil's hand glide across her arm. It sent a shock through her and she realized that it had been a full week since she'd felt his touch and it seemed like somehow her body had gone numb until the moment he had touched her and brought it to life again. She looked up at him from where she'd been laughing at the story Bennett had been telling about the patrol he'd run with Tyler the night before, and looked directly into Quil's eyes. She realized again that it'd been a full week since she'd looked him directly in the eyes either and her breath caught at the same time her heart squeezed and she prayed desperately that he couldn't read the obvious affects he so easily had on her.
His face was impassive and stoic as he looked at her before he used his head to nod toward the back door and gesture for her to follow him as he dropped his hand from her and slipped out quietly. Claire was too surprised and consumed with intrigue to see if Rachel, Jamie, or Bennett noticed as she followed him out the door and closed it softly behind her so that they were standing in the exact same place they'd had their fight in except in opposite positions with Claire's back to the door and Quil right next to the patio table.
"What's up?" she asked in nothing more than a whisper. She was relieved it sounded so casual and knew she wouldn't have been able to make it sound that way if she'd spoken in a full volume.
Quil took a breath as he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up from her feet to look at her as he spoke quietly, "I'm flying to Georgia this week." He seemed so uncomfortable and business-like with his shoulders tensed around his neck as he informed her, "I just need to give you a heads up before I take off for a few days."
"Oh." Claire said in surprise, "oh!" She said again with more meaning as the understanding washed over her.
"You're going to Georgia." She repeated and she could hear the hint of hurt accusation in her voice. Quil simply nodded with his lips pressed together and not quite meeting her eye. "For Hannah's birth….."
"Yup." He answered with a tense breath that blew out with the word and Claire could feel his apprehension and stress over telling her.
He should feel stressed! She thought angrily as the memories of the morning that they'd sat in a booth at Cubbie's and he'd said that he wouldn't go at all if he couldn't go with her, ran through her mind.
She blew out an angry breath and turned away to face the side yard away from him as she pulled her hands up to the roots of her hair and held it back while she started shaking. The hurt and frustration was building inside of her as she felt all of the implications of him simply going without her without even telling her he'd booked the trip.
"Don't do that, Claire." He said in a tone that felt like a mix between a warning and some sort of regret.
"I'm not doing anything." She said insistently and wished she'd sounded less defensive.
"Yes, you are." He argued and this time he just sounded annoyed.
"No, it makes perfect sense." Claire quickly defended, pretending to be calm even as her voice shook, "I told you to go alone and now you are."
"What am I supposed to do, Claire!" he asked but it was clearly a frustrated rhetorical defensive instead of an actual question.
"Exactly." Claire quickly agreed as she folded her arms and turned back to face him again, her voice still sounded like she was seconds away from crying but it didn't sound as upset as she was, "I told you I couldn't go and I'm not your girlfriend anymore anyways so why would I go?"
Quil put his hands to his temples like his frustration was becoming unbearable before he said, "Claire, stop. Just stop it."
"Stop what!?" Claire immediately asked in exasperation and hated how shrill her voice sounded, "I'm literally agreeing with you! Sorry that I forgot for a single second that I'm not allowed to do anything other than pretend we never dated… like this weird thing between us now is the only-" Quil cut across her before she could finish, and she stopped more out of shock and a tiny bit of fear when he suddenly growled at her in a way he never had before.
It sounded like the literal wolf inside of him, full of anger and hate, instead of just the wolfish aspect of his personality. His voice sounded rough and deeper, and he was shaking in that way that sent fear directly to her heart when he said,
"When are you going to stop being such a brat and get over it!? I get it! You're pissed we didn't end up with your happily ever after but that's not the way real life works, Clai-"
He cut off with another growl so that it seemed like he couldn't speak anymore, and he seemed to be swelling but Claire couldn't tell if it was just an optical allusion from how badly he was shaking.
"Quil!" Claire squeaked with her back to the door where'd she'd already moved as far back from him as she could. She hated herself for it, but pictures of Emily's scarred face flittered through her mind as her hand search blindly behind her for the handle to the door. "..You're scaring me…"
Quil took a step back and blew out a breath that sounded more angry than anything, but Claire figured was meant to try to calm him.
"Give me your hand, Claire." He barked and she suddenly realized that he'd been holding a shaking hand out to her and she hadn't noticed in her dazed fear to back away before he turned into something else.
She shook her head in the same daze and he barked at her again, "Claire! Give me your hand!"
She logically understood what he was saying. She even remembered the time on First Beach where her voice and the feel of her against his hands had been enough for him to regain control.
But this time instead of feeling the certainty and confidence that she alone could control him, she felt all the fear and uncertainty of knowing that all that wolf anger and power he was capable of were all directed at the one thing causing it; her.
She finally found the handle with her hand behind her. Her eyes were still locked on his which is why she hadn't initially noticed his hand reaching toward her and she saw the way they immediately caught her hand grabbing onto her exit instead of him. The next moment his brown eyes went from the ones she'd always known and loved to the shape and color she hadn't seen since she was a child. The same brown, but this time glowing slightly as they reflected the light behind her in the way only an animal's could even as the pupil's narrowed down dramatically. His figure was definitely growing, and she knew her grabbing for the door had pushed him over the edge.
She threw the door open behind her at the same time she screamed for help like she'd never screamed before,
"BENNETT!"
Since she had been leaning against the door when she'd opened it, she fell backwards to land on her ass in the dining room. Her heart would have dropped from the fall except that it was sprinting too fast with fear and adrenaline to even seem to notice.
She didn't even see where he'd come from and her eyes were still locked on Quil's from where he stood still huffing and shaking before Bennett's form was literally flying over her.
He was still human one minute, grabbing Quil around the neck and yanking him to the ground as they both sent patio furniture flying and the next moment it was all an explosion of clothes and angry growling louder than Claire would have ever imagined possible, as two giant wolves were suddenly there, right in the back yard. Fighting and snapping on the patio.
It was all just a mass of dark fur until suddenly the two wolves separated and started almost circling angrily around each other, their focus each solely glued on the other.
Even in her shock and confusion, Claire knew that the one that was mostly black and standing directly in front of her so that if she stood back up again, she'd be able to reach out and touch the top of its back leg, was Bennett. Because the dark brown one that matched him exactly in size and stance was the same wolf from all those happy memories of her childhood, except there was nothing happy and loving and playful about the chocolate brown wolf in front of her now. The growl and threat ripping from its throat sent chills all the way down her spine and she suddenly wondered if he'd kill her. If Bennett couldn't stop it from getting to her, and she couldn't imagine how he could because that wolf was the scariest, most powerful thing she'd seen in her entire life, and she couldn't imagine anything that could stand in the way of it and it's intended prey, then what would stop it from tearing her piece from piece in the most gruesome and painful death she could even imagine?
She had barely had time for all of the panicked thoughts before the dark wolf in front of her suddenly lunged at it,
"NO!" Claire screamed at the same time Bennett's teeth caught hold around the brown wolf's neck and then yanked him toward the ground.
In the next second, they were both rolling, wolf over wolf with Bennett's teeth still lodged deep and securely into the other wolf's throat at least as far as Claire could tell, while they moved so quickly in the dark. And then suddenly they went from the edge of the trees on the property line to just gone.
"NO!" Claire screamed again as she got back to her feet and searched the dark trees to try to find the struggle that had to be happening right behind them but came up empty.
"Claire!?" Rachel's voice asked in an obvious scared panic right behind her and Claire turned at the sound of her name to realize that she'd stepped back outside, and Rachel was staring at her from the doorway where she was protectively holding Jamie behind her while her other hand held her baby bump securely in front of her, "What happened!?"
She sounded so scared and confused as she looked at Claire in front of her and Claire realized that they hadn't seen any of it. They'd only heard the growls and the ripping of clothing as people had literally exploded into wolves.
"He… He…. They…" Claire muttered in a panic as she pointed back toward the trees in front of her.
Suddenly Rachels hands were on her arm as she started pulling her back through the door behind them and Claire was too dazed to do anything but follow her as Rachel said, "You aren't making any sense, just come inside and tell me what just happened."
"They…. He…" Claire started again as Rachel closed the door behind her securely and then immediately locked the deadbolt and pulled the curtain covering the window securely closed.
"He PHASED!" Claire suddenly yelled in angry shock. "He PHASED at me!"
"Who?" Rachel asked in obvious shock, "Quil!?"
"Yes!" Claire said with certainty.
"What? What happened, Claire?" Rachel asked in confusion as she looked Claire up and down.
Claire looked down at herself too and realized she was shaking so badly that the entire front of her soft t-shirt dress she'd spent the day lounging in was rippling in waves.
"Um… can you… can you just go upstairs?" Claire suddenly asked in a low voice knowing she wouldn't be able to explain even if she tried. She couldn't even see past the vision in her mind of the two men exploding into fur with such angry sounds of rips and growls.
"What!?" Rachel asked.
"Please, Rachel! Just take Jamie upstairs and stay there… just for a minute! I just need a minute!" Claire yelled desperately and she suddenly realized she had no control even over the volume of her voice.
Rachel looked shocked as she just stared at Claire in front of her for a second and then nodded her head and suddenly grabbed the stunned Jamie and wordlessly dragged him up the stairs with her.
Claire watched them go until she heard the click of a bedroom door closing behind them and then she was a wobbling mess as she looked down at herself again and realized she was shaking even worse. She knew she was going into some kind of shock and that she needed to snap herself out of it and find some sort of control.
She tried to stop shaking as she marched forward and grab a dining room chair. She ended up having to drag it since she couldn't lift and carry it while she was shaking so badly, until it hit the fridge in the kitchen where she climbed on top of it and yanked the cabinet open above the fridge.
She sent a box of matches flying to the floor where they scattered everywhere when she pushed her arms through the candles and empty vases stored there to try to reach what she was hoping one of her parents had hidden behind everything and ended up coming up empty, while completely forgetting the locked liquor cabinet in her dad's office that would have exactly what she was looking for.
Tears started to spill when she couldn't find anything that might help her calm down and her arms started to ache from the tension in them, but the shaking didn't decrease as she climbed off the chair and then tried to throw it behind her but didn't have enough strength since all it did was tip over and land on its back behind her. She yanked the freezer drawer open and pushed all the top interior drawers aside until she was digging to the bottom and then finally, she found it. Under a tub of rocky road and an ice pack that Rachel used on her knee, next to a bag of frozen strawberries, was the clear glass bottle that Claire had been hoping for. Yanking it out she barely noticed the label enough to note that it was vodka before she was unscrewing the top and placing the bottle directly to her lips.
Nothing in her limited experience with alcohol had prepared her for the taste and burn that hit her mouth in full measure before she was choking and spitting, spewing vodka all over the open freezer and matches covering the floor.
She felt like she'd just been water boarder with gasoline if gasoline had a slightly fruity aftertaste, but she cleared her throat and slammed the freezer shut before she leaned back against the fridge and took a bracing breath. She pulled the bottle back to her mouth and held her breath this time when she closed her eyes and poured it in. It still burned and wasn't pleasant or tasty, she vaguely wondered if she'd be better off just chugging mouthwash, but she managed to swallow at least three gulps before pulling the bottle away. It wasn't even that bad, better than beer and the aftertaste was actually pretty good, a little citrusy.
She only took a single breath in, feeling slightly pleased that she'd managed to get it down when her stomach lurched and she suddenly hunched forward, barely making it to the garbage can by the counter where Quil had once held her up with his hands shaking because they were against her bare skin and she could feel how much he wanted to keep them there, and then she was violently vomiting all the vodka along with anything else that could possibly be in her stomach, back up in one incredibly painful heave.
She had to have kept her head in the garbage for a full five minutes before she trusted herself to stand back up again. When she was finally upright, she suddenly realized the vodka bottle was still clutched tightly in her hand. She gave one sad little, "ha" of a laugh and then let her legs give out so that she landed on her ass for the second time that night. She could already feel the bruises forming as she set the vodka bottle down with a loud clink on the floor, but her hands were still shaking and it dropped, so it immediately tipped over and started to spill small amounts on the floor as it rolled away. Claire barely even noticed as her knees came up to her chest and her hands came up to meet together over her head in a mess with her hair.
It wasn't until she wondered what the painful, yet rhythmic sound she was hearing was that she realized she was sobbing painfully in time with the shakes raking through her.
It was the first time she'd ever lost complete control and no one else was around to help her try to pull them back together. No Quil there telling her to breathe, or Bennett holding her and telling her that Quil was just an asshole anyways, or Renesmee rocking her, or Leah dressing her. Even Rachel was upstairs watching Jamie.
Claire wondered vaguely if she should just get used to it since she was probably destined to be alone anyways.
That is if she should just get used to anything or if it was pointless since there still seemed like a good chance that at any second that giant brown wolf would come back and rip her in half.
She felt like her body was being ripped apart with her violent sobs, but she jumped about six inches into the counter behind her when the doorbell suddenly rang.
She wondered if they'd actually ordered pizza and didn't know what else to do but get up slowly on legs that kept wobbling and shaking with the sad moaning sobs that had only minimized instead of stopping and make her way to the door, though it took so long that the doorbell rang again before she was halfway to it.
She tried to suck in a strong breath and hold back anymore sobs as she yanked the door open, but it barely made a dent in them. She realized that the porch light was off at the same time she noted the dark figure was a tall man and that he had his back to her, but she noticed with the slightest disappointment that he didn't seem to be carrying any pizza boxes. He turned around at the same time she flipped the switch on for the light.
"Se-Seth?" she sobbed out in a shaken stutter, shocked and confused about why he would be on her doorstep, especially alone. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen him without his twins.
His shoulders dropped in what looked like disappointment when he looked at her obviously still shaking and crying in the doorway. He immediately stepped forward and put a hand on her arm, clearly guiding her as he stepped uninvited into the house and then closed the door behind him.
He didn't say anything at first as he quickly wrapped his long arms around her and she realized she was shaking worse than she'd thought when she was suddenly pressed against his motionless form, "Tell me exactly what happened." She looked up at him in shock but he continued, "It's okay, it's why I'm here…. I was the closest wolf when we got the call." He explained as he rubbed a hand down her back soothingly. "You look like you're okay though! I was expecting the worst. For a minute I thought we had another Emily on our hands! We all knew it was a stupid move for Quil to break up with you-"
Claire knew that he was still rambling with anxiety but at the mention of Emily and the implication that Claire could have been a victim of…. A victim of Quil. Her lungs seemed to stop working. Air seemed futile even as she tried as hard as she could to breathe. She vaguely noted the room getting dark around her before she suddenly collapsed as her legs gave out, and she wondered if Seth would catch her or just let her slide to the ground as he rambled on.