"Seize them," Dent ordered.
The Nazis obeyed, hauling Crane, Tetch, Harley, and Joker to their feet, as Dent looked around the tomb, his eyes focusing at last on the Batman. Revealed in his totality in the blazing light of the torches, he was even bigger and more terrifying than he had seemed in the shadows, his red eyes shining in excitement and his jaws salivating at the thought of freedom.
"So it is true," murmured Dent. "The ancient god of legend, who feasted on the blood of innocents, still lives. And he will march at the head of our army, bringing death and destruction to all who oppose us, as the lands run red with the blood of the inferior. Together we will wipe this world clean of the undesirables, and bring forth a new age of perfect order."
"I desire nothing more than to help you achieve this perfect world," growled Batman, his eyes alight. "But first you must free me. Pick up the Batsignal," he said, nodding at the artifact. "Place it in its bracket, and its light will release me."
Dent calmly headed over to pick up the Batsignal, smiling at Joker, who was held back by several Nazis. "Game over," Dent murmured. "I win, clown."
Joker struggled, trying desperately to think of something that would stop Dent as he headed toward the bracket. Two of the Nazis raised Dent up, and as he lifted the Batsignal, Joker's desperation increased.
But then he felt Harley's hand on his. "Let him do it," she murmured. "It's not for."
"What are you talking about?" whispered Joker.
"It's not for," repeated Harley. "The preposition, I told you I wasn't good at them. I read the hieroglyphs wrong. They actually say 'the Batman can only be unchained once, and will unleash his force on he who lights the signal.'"
"On?" repeated Joker, staring at her. "You mean…"
He turned to Dent, who had just slid the Batsignal into place. "You mean the joke's on them," Joker murmured, a smile lighting up his face as the light of the moon shone onto the reflected glass of the Batsignal. "I didn't know those ancient Egyptians had a sense of humor. But I like it."
The ray of moonlight lit up the glass, and the light bounced off the mirror and onto the padlocks securing the Batman's chains. They sizzled and then broke, and Batman stretched his wings, his face triumphant. "Free at last!" he roared. "Free to…"
But his elation was short-lived, as the Batsignal suddenly cracked, breaking into dozens of pieces, which burst into flame. The fiery shards of glass shot out from the mirror, straight into the faces of the surrounding Nazis. A piece hit Dent full in the face, and he howled in pain as it seared half the skin off. Amid the chaos and screaming, the Batman's chains rose up again, seizing his arms and legs and dragging him, seemingly against his will, toward the group of Nazis. His chained hands shot out, seizing random Nazis and ripping them to pieces. He roared in frustration as he tore them apart and guzzled on their blood. Then he turned to Dent, who lay gasping on the floor clutching the burned half of his face.
"I don't want to do this!" Batman hissed, struggling against the relentless force of the chains. "But I must!"
He leapt on Dent, and they heard him scream, and then a ghastly, slurping sound, and then silence as the Batman stepped back, revealing Dent's twisted corpse, completely drained of blood.
"That…was…awesome!" shouted Joker, leaping to his feet. "Yeah, take that, you stupid Nazi idiots! The joke's on you, isn't it?! Well, that's what happens when you mess with the Joker!"
"You didn't do anything!" snapped Crane. "We're just lucky Harley noticed the mis-translation when she did, or that would have been us!"
"Yes, I'm most relieved we didn't light the Batsignal now," commented Tetch. "I suppose that's why it's always important to read the instructions first, however tedious that might be. It might save your life one day."
The Batman rounded on them, roaring and struggling to reach Joker, but the chains held him back, and then slowly pressed him down into the sand beneath their feet. "They can bury me as deep as they want, but I cannot be killed!" shouted Batman, as the sand began to swallow him, his red eyes burning at Joker. "Somehow, I'll be released again, and I will have my revenge on you, clown, I swear it! Somehow I'll be back…"
The sand swallowed him up, and there was silence. "So…if we had just let the Nazis find the Batsignal and release the Batman, they would have all been destroyed anyway," said Tetch, slowly. "Our part in this adventure made no noticeable difference to its outcome, and if we had just stayed out of it, it would have had the same conclusion, but we would have saved ourselves a lot of pain and effort, is that right?"
"Pretty much," agreed Joker. "But where would the fun have been in that?"
"It wasn't fun kissing a Nazi," said Harley, making a face. "I don't think I'll ever recover from that."
"Does this help wipe away the memory?" chuckled Joker, embracing her and kissing her passionately. "Those are good, old-fashioned American germs that'll hunt down and kill the Nazi ones!"
"How romantic," said Crane sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"Mmm, I think I'm gonna need a lot more than that to make me feel better, Dr. J," purred Harley.
"Let's get outta this depressing tomb first," said Joker, picking her up and carrying her out into the dawn. "It kinda kills the mood."
Daylight was breaking as they all left the tomb together, the shimmering rays alighting on their faces as they strode into the sunrise. "I guess it was ultimately a pretty useless quest, but I had a lotta fun, and I received a delightful consolation prize," said Joker, beaming at Harley. "So that was worth it."
"Yes, although the journey proved fruitless, we did learn a hard lesson from it," sighed Crane. "I think the moral of the story is how the search for rare treasure, when taken to extreme, will ultimately end in horror. Indeed, I suspect that was the moral of the joke of the Batsignal resulting in the deaths of those who light it. The pursuit of power will inevitably destroy those who seek it, in both body and spirit. We must find our sense of meaning in something else, something less destructive. And a second moral is that true evil can never be fully destroyed – it will be lurking under the surface, ready to strike from the shadows when least expected, like the Batman…"
"Jokes don't have a moral, idiot, and neither does this story!" snapped Joker. "This was just a bunch of random things that happened, otherwise known as life! If you start looking for meaning or some overarching narrative, you're either a moron or a conspiracy theorist or both! The only message in life is to have fun, and that's why I'm an adventurer and comedian extraordinaire, and all round great guy."
"You sure are, Dr. J," agreed Harley, kissing him.
"Well, at least I can say with certainty that this adventuring lark is not for me," said Tetch. "I'm returning home to my museum, to remain among my books and let someone else acquire the artifacts. I've had enough excitement to last me a lifetime."
"I might join you," agreed Crane. "I'm not really suited to fieldwork either. Research in books is more my specialty, and I should probably stick to that since excavating the Batman's tomb didn't ultimately make any difference to anything."
"That's the story of your life, pal," chuckled Joker.
"Oh, and it's not yours?" demanded Crane. "Are you even a real doctor?"
"No, and neither are you," retorted Joker. "Doctors help people. You're not even competent enough to do that."
"So you've just lied about everything," said Crane. "Is your name even Indiana Joker?"
"I dunno – maybe," said Joker, shrugging. "Can't remember my real name, so it might be Indiana. If I had to pick a state to be named after, it's not a bad one – can you imagine if I had decided on New Hampshire Joker or something? That would be ridiculous – at least Indiana sounds cool, even if it is a dog's name."
"I'm still gonna call you Dr. J, Dr. J," said Harley, adjusting his fedora. "Even though you ain't a real doctor."
"I'm honored, Dr. Quinzel," chuckled Joker. "Now c'mon, let's head off iconically into the sunrise, with the awesome theme music playing."
"What theme music?" asked Tetch. "What are you talking about?"
"If you can't hear it, that's your problem," sighed Joker. "But seriously, get your hearing checked, folks – deafness is no joke. Unless it's deafness I've induced by blaring an airhorn in your ear or blowing up a bomb near you or something. Then it's hysterical."
"It's just unbelievable," muttered Crane, as Harley and Joker strode off together, hand in hand. "That scoundrel is the opposite of a hero – he just led everyone on a wild goose chase, and then jokes about murdering people, and he still gets the girl."
"Don't ask me how women's minds work," retorted Tetch. "I have a hard enough time trying to figure out my own. Especially since I haven't had a cup of tea in hours."
"Really, Jervis, is that all you can think about?" demanded Crane. "After all we've been through, the horrors we've witnessed, the history of centuries, the awe-inspiring force of the supernatural, and you're still preoccupied with a cup of tea?!"
"Yes," said Tetch. "I told you, I'm really not built for adventuring."
Crane sighed heavily, and followed him off into the sunrise.
...
"And that's the end," said Joker in reality, looking up from the script.
"I liked that there wasn't a moral," said Arleen. "I hate movies that try and preach at you."
"Yeah, the only moral I saw was that Nazis suck, and everyone loves it when they die horribly, so there should be more movies like that," agreed J.J., nodding.
"You know Batsy will never agree to appear in this, doncha, puddin'?" asked Harley. "Aside from being generally uncooperative, he'll probably object to killing people, even Nazis, and even in fiction."
"We could just CGI him – we're going to have to do that anyway to make him half-man, half-bat-god like," said J.J. "Or I guess Man-Bat could just stand in for him. And we could get Kevin to voice him – he sounds identical to the Bat."
"Yeah, but we gotta make sure we get Kevin," agreed Joker, nodding. "Voice acting is so important, and if you try and cut corners by hiring pale imitations, the audience can tell, and it just ruins the authenticity of the whole thing."
"Now puddin', you're not gonna start ranting again, are ya?" sighed Harley, standing up to clear away the dishes. "You're such a happy guy usually, and it's a little out of character for you to be so angry about things."
"I think it's hard not to be angry at stupidity," said Joker, shrugging. "Especially when that stupidity reflects poorly on the things I love, which is anything involving me. Anyway, I hate to admit it, but you're right, pooh," he said, spanking Harley playfully. "It doesn't feel good to be so moody and rage-filled all the time – this must be what Batsy feels like every day, poor guy. No wonder he's so suicidal that he goes out trying to get himself killed every night. I bet he's always secretly hoping someone will just end all the pain and misery for him. Well, the joke's on him, because I won't!" he chuckled, standing up. "Right, kiddos, start calling the cast to negotiate a contract and filming schedule – tell them they won't get paid, but it'll be good exposure. That'll pacify the raging egotists we hang out with, and it's standard corporate practice these days. People can't expect to be paid for their creativity. You might as well just write fanfic, eh, Greenleaf?" he chuckled. "Aw, she's a good kid, really. Loyal to a fault. I like that in a dame, don't I, pumpkin pie?" he asked, kissing Harley.
"Where are you two going?" asked Arleen, as Harley took his hand and dragged him off.
"I think your mother got really turned on by the thought of Nazis being butchered, and to be honest, so did I," said Joker. "We'll try and keep the noise down – see you kiddies later!" he chuckled, as Harley pulled him into the bedroom.
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "You know, I love Mom and Dad to death, but they're really weird people," commented J.J.
"Aren't we all, J.J.?" sighed Arleen, as she picked up her phone. "Aren't we all?"
The End