CHAPTER 18
Quil:
By the time he had finished making arrangements with Collin and Leah to take over for him, Claire was waiting next to the driver's side of his car with her arms hugged around herself and running a hand through her tangled mess of dark hair in a nervous twitch every few seconds while she looked up at him still standing on the porch. He knew she was anxious to get moving and he was feeling the rush as well. His flight left in two and a half hours, and they still had a two-hour drive ahead of them. For her though, Quil knew she was just feeling incredibly anxious to leave so that she could get back as soon as possible. Guilt hit him in the stomach at the thought that he was taking her away from where she wanted to be, but it was also mixed with relief that he got to spend the next two hours at least alone with her before they went their separate ways.
He stepped off the porch to hurry toward her as he finished thanking Collin for agreeing to wait at his shop that afternoon for the couple coming to pick up the truck Quil had sort of borrowed/stollen when Jake's hand suddenly shot out and gripped his bicep before he'd gotten more than a few feet from the house. He turned to look over at him in agitation. Collin and Leah were already heading back into the house to sit with Macy and he had forgotten that Jacob had followed them out but was sure from the way he was squeezing his arm that he wasn't going to like whatever Jake had to say, and he didn't have time to be lectured from the alpha who was literally never around but then felt compelled to insert himself whenever he was conveniently there.
"What the hell happened last night?" Jacob whispered quietly but meaningfully already getting right to the point which both annoyed and made Quil feel grateful since he didn't have time for a long conversation.
Quil sighed and shoved a hand through his hair before he muttered, "…. You already heard what happened. It was just an accident."
"Yeah, I'm calling bullshit." Jacob spat immediately and Quil took a step back in shock at his intensity.
"What-" he asked in shock.
"You really expect me to believe you haven't had it out for Bennett for weeks? Months actually…. Hell, you've had it out for that kid since he asked Claire out before he even phased." Jacob said with clear malice in his voice as he used his height advantage to step up, so he was looking down the two inches to Quil in obvious anger and frustration.
Quil was too shocked to do anything besides take another step back when normally he'd immediately be toeing up to Jacob in retaliation the way his wolf instincts were telling him too.
"…. You're insane…." he muttered but he was too shocked to sound angry, he mostly sounded confused.
"Am I?" Jacob huffed, "Last week the two of you couldn't even run shifts together and now he suddenly gets a broken spine getting between Claire and a you about to phase?"
"… So, what?…. You're acting like I planned this or something." Quil replied in a frustrated daze.
Jacob just gave him a look that was more accusation than anything else and Quil could almost hear the, 'you said it, not me…..'
"What the hell, Jake!?" He huffed in frustration as he tried to process what Jacob was accusing him off.
"Quil, you seriously don't think I noticed that Bennett broke up with Macy and has since been spending an inordinate amount of time with Claire? That's got to grate on your nerves, right? She was in love with him before, what's to stop her from falling for him again especially with you practically shoving her toward him… you're too old for her right? Right? But Bennett's not… maybe the thought crossed your head one too many times… maybe Claire chose her side and you snapped… found the perfect opportunity and made it just a little too clear who was really the alpha of the pack... of Claire…"
Quil's mouth was hanging open in shock at the venomous words pouring out undeterred from the mouth of his oldest friend. He'd known Jacob didn't agree with his current decisions when it came to his relationship with Claire, but he never expected him to actually think so little of him, to believe he was so capable of manipulating the situation to actually intentionally maim one of his brothers.
He closed his mouth and sucked a deep breath in as he looked to the side trying to orient himself and control his emotions which were rolling straight through him in quivers and causing his gut to heat with action and desire. This would be so much easier to straighten out as wolves and yet he knew that if he phased right now it'd just make everything worse.
"Stop."
His head snapped over in shock at Claire suddenly standing next to him from where he hadn't noticed her come up behind him until she spoke.
"It wasn't like that! It was all my fault… Quil didn't do anything wrong." Claire insisted calmly but her hands were shaking in fists next to her ribs where her arms were crossed practically holding herself together.
Jacob took a step back in surprise since he clearly hadn't been paying attention to her approach either, he sighed and shook out his shoulder length hair so that it rippled around his face before he replied,
"Claire…."
Quil could practically see all the things Jacob wanted to tell her about how she didn't understand but didn't want to actually say the words.
Ignoring his instincts to phase (and snap at Jacob while literally trying to bite his head off) he focused solely on Claire as he grabbed the side of her head and pulled her toward him while he leaned into her at the same time, he pivoted so that he was blocking her from Jacob in front of her. It took all his control and pushing against all his wolf instincts to ignore Jake there only feet in front of her and turn his back to him, but he spoke only to her. It was too important that he make her understand that he knew he couldn't afford to be distracted even by Jacob.
"No, Claire." He huffed quietly right into her hair where he'd moved to kiss her head and try to speak at the same time. "This was not your fault." His tone was almost angry when he continued, "What happened in the woods when I was fighting with Bennett had nothing to do with you. You didn't do this, baby. I did."
She was tearing up and blinking off to the side in a way that yanked hard at his chest, but she pressed on in a soft whisper only speaking to him, "Yes it was, Quil! It was all my fault!"
He thought his heart might have literally fallen through to his stomach after the painful way she'd said that.
"Come on, let's get out of here." He muttered to her as he rubbed a hand up her arm knowing that he wouldn't be able to change her mind quickly especially here with an audience in front of them.
Claire nodded her head gratefully as she took the lead heading back toward the car.
There was a single second where he thought he could just walk away and follow Claire, where he could just leave Jacob behind him without ever acknowledging all the shit he had just accused him off, but then before he could do more than take a single step to follow Claire he was pivoting back around and throwing his fist up as he twisted his shoulder with all of the pressure and force he had left. His fist hit Jacob square in the mouth and nose and the pissed off look Jacob gave him after his head snapped back was immediately satisfying even though Claire gave a horrified little scream.
"Don't be such an ass." he muttered over his shoulder as he turned back around and wrapped an arm around Claire again, this time leading her forward toward the car feeling much better about leaving Jake behind him now.
"….. Yeah, look who's talking." Jake muttered darkly behind him, but Quil just smiled as he helped Claire into the passenger seat of his car and then hurried around to the driver's.
He and Jake had been friends for so long that he had probably punched Jake close to a hundred times by now, and though it might have been shocking to Claire, it was nothing new for them. Plus, Quil knew Jake, and if he started arguing with him, Jake would just try to double down on all his points.
.
By the time, they made it back to the shop twenty minutes later, neither Quil nor Claire had said anything. It wasn't too uncomfortable, there just wasn't really anything that either could say to make it any better after such a horrible night, plus, they were in uncomfortable territory they'd never been in before.
They had miles worth of distance between them from the last few months and yet they'd seemed to cross it tonight to lean and depend on each other without ever addressing where they stood or where they'd come from.
Quil sighed as he parked the Camaro and looked at the side door of his shop that was broken in and barely being held shut.
"Collin said he'd fix the door later when he comes by."
Claire nodded in response before she asked, "What should I do about your car?"
"Just keep it, I can't be gone more than a few days right now with everything going on." He assured her as they got out and he led the way toward the door.
He shoved the door forward with enough strength to push the toolbox on the other side out of the way as Claire followed him into the shop, and said so quietly she was more mumbling than anything,
"But I probably won't be here when you get back."
He wondered if he'd misheard her as he turned to look at her in confusion over his shoulder while he kept moving toward the stairs since he didn't have time to stop if he wanted to make his flight.
"I have cheer camp next week..." She reminded him as an explanation in that same still too small voice. It made her sound so weak and broken and he absolutely hated it.
"Oh," he said in surprise, "are you still going to go now with Bennett and everything?"
Claire shrugged as she followed him up the stairs, "He's either good or he's not…."
The statement itself didn't make much sense but he understood, Bennett was either going to walk out of this surgery healthy and happy and Claire would continue on as if her life hadn't been interrupted, or he wouldn't and that wasn't a possibly she could entertain right now.
Quil just nodded his understanding as he opened the door to his apartment and went inside, turning to hold the door for her as she filed in past him.
"Well just leave the keys here if you leave before I get back." Quil assured her like it wouldn't matter one way or the other.
Claire stopped only a couple feet into the apartment as she turned to face him while he closed the door.
Seeing her standing in his space again he suddenly realized how much he'd missed it, just missed her, being there with him, being open and honest and not hiding things or saying one thing by saying something else. It was all so exhausting and when it came down to it, he realized this is what he wanted, just her and the openness between them. He'd missed it so much more than he'd ever realized.
He had stopped moving as he thought about it and though he knew he needed to have already left for Seattle like two hours ago, he didn't want to do anything to disrupt the moment of her being there with him. He was so focused on it that he was a little shocked when Claire suddenly said,
"I probably won't have a key though,"
When he just looked at her in confusion she explained, "Won't Collin have to change the lock in the door downstairs?"
"Oh," he mused realizing she was probably right, "I'll just make sure he leaves the keys with you, everything will go through you, okay? You'll have the car and the keys to the shop, you'll have Butch, and you can come and stay here, anything you need, alright?" he assured her, and it wasn't until her eyes widened just a miniscule amount that he realized he'd taken a step closer to her until he was crowding into her space without ever consciously deciding to do so.
She looked even more confused as she looked up at him and even though he wasn't touching her he could feel the air tighten between them as her chest expanded when she took a deep yet shaky breath,
"Are you sure about that? That's what you want?"
Again, what she was saying wasn't really what she was asking, but he knew that. He knew she was confused because she wasn't his girlfriend, so it made no sense to her that she be the one responsible for all his things while he was gone.
"Of course," he almost whispered, he felt the need to keep his voice low so that she would stay as close to him as possible, "You're the most important person. No one else should do it."
Her big soft caramel-colored eyes filled with tears, confusing Quil when she smiled softly up at him. It was a very meaningful look and instinctually Quil put his hand on the back of her shoulder to hold her as he ran his fingers comfortingly up and down the fabric of her dress.
Without really meaning to he used the hand on her to pull her slightly closer into him so now there was only an inch of air buzzing between their chests and he suddenly had the urge to press against her so that he could feel the way her body moved with every breath she took in front of him. She was still staring up at him even as she continued to breathe so hard she was getting close to hyperventilating, but she was forcing her teeth down hard on her lower lip as she looked at him and suddenly it was the only thing he could focus on.
The way she'd bite down on her lip had always been a weakness for him and with her only inches away and already turned toward him with her face looking up at him he couldn't not stare at it as her front teeth pressed an indent into the cushy center of her bottom lip making it jut out just a little to the left side. When her hand softly landed on his chest in between them he realized he was leaning down toward her.
He groaned in frustration and Claire's eyes widened in shock again at his reaction.
His face was so close to hers that he could rub his nose against hers if he wanted to and his free hand landed on her waist where he squeezed it tightly at the same time she let her other hand land on his abs and trail softly downward a few inches making his entire body tighten and then tingle in response to the feel of her fingers on his bare skin since he'd never found a shirt.
"Close your eyes," he commanded her in a rough whisper. His voice sounded so much lower and more strained than it had just a moment ago.
"Why?" she asked, and he would have thought she was flirting or teasing him if it weren't for the way she kept looking at him in confusion with her eyes opened just slightly wider than usual.
He hesitated only for a second and he knew he should really rethink this, but he was too…. just too everything to stop now… too tired, too overwhelmed, too broken down. He couldn't fight this, couldn't stop the pull she had on him. Couldn't give up how right everything felt just to push her away right now.
"So, I can kiss you." He whispered back roughly.
Her eyes widened in obvious surprise and the reaction made him smile, she was so freaking cute, and he used his hand on her waist to pull her in closer to him so that her stomach finally hit his abs crushing her little fingers between them and her breasts brushed against him when she took another shocked breath. He couldn't help but pull her in, she was just so damn adorable and sexy, everything about her drew him in and it only seemed fair that she be brought into him in return even if he had to be the one to do it.
"Is that a good idea?" she whispered, and it was clear from how sincere her voice was that her question had no implication behind it. She was honestly asking.
"I don't know." He whispered back just as sincerely with a slight shrug that moved her against his chest again and he had to bite down his smile in response as he leaned his forehead against hers so that they would be pressed together as much as possible until the moment he could kiss her, "Was it ever not a good idea when I kissed you?"
He peeked down at her just enough to catch the way she was biting her lip again and this time he didn't even try not to smile as he watched it.
"Don't you have to shower and go?" she asked in obvious confusion like he'd just asked her if she wanted to play a game of Uno instead of pressed up against her, holding her tightly to him as he told her he was going to kiss her.
"It can wait." He assured her confidently even though it couldn't, he just didn't have room in his mind to focus on anything besides the thought of kissing her. it consumed him. "If I kiss you are you going to let me?"
She only moved to shrug her shoulders in response and he could feel his brows come together against her forehead.
"Are you going to kiss me back?" he asked as his hand on her waist moved around her back, rubbing her dress and holding her there.
"I'm sure I will…" she whispered breathlessly, "I could never resist kissing you back…."
Quil's brows furrowed even more after that response, though it only made him hold her tighter to him.
"Will you regret it afterwards?" he asked in concern since her answer had confused him.
"I'm not sure yet." She whispered back easily like he just asked her what she wanted to order at a drive thru.
He was leaning his head more into her as he turned it slightly so that his nose was running down the side of hers and his mouth seemed to be finding its way to hers all on its own. He didn't realize he'd even shut his eyes until he forced his open to peek at her and realized she'd finally closed hers like he'd asked her to. It was the greenlight he'd been holding out for, but he suddenly wanted the answer to his question before he took what he was asking for.
"Well, what does it depend on?" he whispered.
She hesitated against him for a second before she whispered, "…. On what happens to us after this."
"… And what's going to happen to us after this?" Quil asked curiously, his eyes were already closed again, and his forehead was no longer pressed against hers so that his nose could line up perfectly next to hers, pressing into her cheek with his lips only a millimeter from touching hers.
"…. I'm waiting for you to tell me." She replied on a small breath.
Quil sucked in a breath in front of her when he realized what she was saying: She wanted a commitment out of him. Every time they'd kissed before this, they were actively heading a certain direction or had already landed on it. Now they were in these unchartered waters and Quil was supposed to be managing this balancing act of pushing her away while keeping her as emotionally close to him as he could manage. Her pointing it out brought all these questions forward for him. They had been so close over the last twelve hours, but the side effects of trauma had been what had brought that on.
He groaned in frustration and almost resentment towards her for making him think about all of it and dwell on the questions he knew he wouldn't have answers to. He couldn't kiss her until he answered her, he knew that, but he also refused to pull away from her in this moment where everything felt so right and good for the first time in months…. He ended up with his forehead pressed against hers again as he groaned out her name in obvious frustration,
"Claire!"
When she gave almost a tiny little chirp that was more a spaz than a noise, he looked down at her. Her eyes weren't open but from the way the tears were leaking out and running down her cheeks she was obviously crying in a much too painful way.
"Claire?" he suddenly repeated but in shocked horror.
She just shook her head against him as she suddenly pressed up on her toes to keep her forehead pressed against his when he pulled back slightly to try and look at her.
"… you'll just hurt me so much more after." She tried to explain in that weak little voice again and Quil's gut clenched painfully in response.
His hands wrapped tighter around her waist again from where they had just slightly pulled back so that he could try to look at her and he squeezed her tightly since he never wanted to let her go.
"I never want to hurt you." He breathed out painfully against her and he used his hands on her waist to pull her back into him and make it all better the only way he knew how.
His lips were so close that they actually brushed against hers when she whispered,
"But you always do. You hurt worse than any pain I've ever experienced."
His heart broke over those words. He wondered if it broke literally with the amount of pain radiating in his chest. He wasn't even sure he could breathe as he held her and felt her against him.
He was trying to gather himself together again after her words and a silent moment of just holding her when she sighed and said, "Go take a shower." Both of her hands were on his chest now and she used them to pat dismissively against him. He was still working his way up to kissing her though,
"Let me make it better first." He begged against her and this time he felt the cold tear that leaked out of her eyes when one hit his nose.
She tried to shake her head, but he used one of the hands around her waist and pulled it up to cup her face, "Please," he begged her, "let me make this better."
She took a deep and shaky breath and Quil closed his eyes extra tight with his face still against hers, praying she'd agreed so he could finally kiss her before she said,
"After." He didn't open his eyes, but he cocked his head to the side in confusion until she continued, "if you still want to kiss me after you shower."
Quil sighed in response as it felt like his heart broke even harder. He knew he had to let go of her and the worst part was knowing that once he did the moment would be over and once the moment was over, he'd never get it back. Part of him was incredibly frustrated because he knew as well as she did that if he didn't kiss her now, he wouldn't get to at all.
"Please, Quil!" Claire begged him in her choked little voice that broke on his name, "I can't take anymore, not today."
He was shocked when the tear rolled down his cheek since he hadn't realized his eyes were filling with them behind his still closed lids. He let it fall though and didn't bother wiping it away before it rolled off his chin and landed somewhere on Claire's chest as he nodded in response. What could he say to that?
He just pressed his lips together and then used all of his will power and strength and forced himself to pull up and away from her, only stopping to press his lips tightly to her forehead as he pulled his hands from her waist to her biceps. He used them to hold her there as he pushed himself off of her and then turned away to head into the bathroom without looking at her.
His entire body was shaking as he closed himself into the too small room. By the time he forced himself out of the cold shower five minutes later everything had changed. His vision felt a lot clearer, and he knew if he didn't make it to Seattle in the next eighty minutes, he wasn't going to make this flight at all. He also realized how incredibly dirty he was before his shower, so much that when he stepped out of the bathroom to find Claire with a bag already packed for him, she was dirty all over her face and dress everywhere he'd been touching, he also had more mixed feelings than he had before his shower.
He was no closer to having answers for her when he stepped out of the shower than he was before he'd gotten in, she seemed to have predicted it though and looked up at him to see the regretful confusion he could feel written all across his face.
She held up a hand before he could even start the apology already poised on his tongue, "We don't have time right now, let's just take a breath and we can talk and revisit this in a couple weeks when we're both back here."
A couple WEEKS!?
He just nodded his head in agreement since he didn't have any better suggestions and took the clothes she was handing out to him, before she turned around and walked out the door taking his bag she'd packed for him with her. She wouldn't really look at him in just his towel and he knew she was uncomfortable, he wished he could make it better, but he just watched her go out the door before he got dressed and notice his wallet in the pile of clothes she'd handed him. She must have picked it up after he phased and had it in her purse the whole time. Just another thing he should thank her for.
After digging out a pair of boots from his closet, Quil shut off the lights and locked the door since he knew the shop wouldn't be locked and then followed Claire out to the car.
She was already in the driver's seat with the car running so he slid into the passenger seat of his Camaro, and she had the car moving before he could even shut the door. They were pressed for time, and he could feel it in the atmosphere between them. They didn't speak at all until they'd gotten on the highway with Claire gunning the engine and swerving into the empty lane going the opposite direction to bypass the minivan in front of them before swerving back into their lane and then setting the cruise control at almost twice the legal limit.
He finally broke the silence, "Thank you, Claire."
She looked over at him briefly in response before looking back at the turn in front of them and taking it smoothly with both hands on the wheel and Quil wondered if that's why she'd wanted to drive to have that to focus on instead of him.
"… For being here…with me…. instead of there with him…."
It wasn't much and it didn't accurately convey what he wanted to say but it was enough, and he knew she understood when she just swallowed with her lips pressed together and nodded without looking back at him.
"Will you text me and let me know how the surgery goes?" he asked her uncertainly and he hated that he wasn't certain if she would or not.
"You don't have a phone." she pointed out.
"I'll stop and get one activated as soon as the plane lands. Just text me as soon as you know anything, and I'll responded as soon as I have a phone in my hand." He assured her.
Claire just nodded again as she stayed focus on the road in front of them.
It was quiet between them again and he hesitated before he finally asked, "… Could… can I call you while I'm gone?"
He hated that he sounded so nervous and unsure.
"You think that's a good idea?" she asked a little skeptically.
And suddenly he knew that he was losing her.
He hated it, especially when it seemed like the one thing he needed to do to keep her was the one thing he couldn't do.
"I think it's a better idea than not talking to each other." he replied as his hands gripped the seat underneath him so tightly, he could feel the stitching on the leather start to strain.
He could see Claire hesitate as she opened her mouth but just stuttered before finally asking, "….. What would we even talk about?"
"Us." He answered immediately without bothering to think.
She looked over at him quickly before immediately flicking her eyes back to the road and asked with obvious confusion,
"You want to call me while you're in Atlanta so we can talk about our relationship?"
Quil blew out a breath of stress and forced himself to release the seat in his hand before he did any damage.
"Yes."
She was quiet again, giving him too much time with the silence between them driving him crazy and making him wish she'd just agree so that he would at least know for sure when he'd get to hear her voice again.
"… And would this be a long conversation or a short one?" she finally asked significantly which was not at all the response he wanted to hear.
He fought back the groan when he realized she was smarter than he was. He just wanted her to commit to talking to him again and he'd figure it all out later. She wanted him to commit to where he was going to stand before she ever even agreed to having the conversation.
"I'm not sure." He finally answered honestly.
"You're not sure?" she repeated almost in disbelief.
"No….. I'm not sure." He admitted even as the familiar guilt started to boil in his belly though this time it was accompanied by a sharp tear in his chest that he suddenly realized was his heart breaking…
He couldn't have both. He had to choose his stomach or his heart. He'd either have to live with the guilt and the shame and Claire's love or else survive the heartbreak but be the better man.
"… So, it's not a no?" Claire asked in a mix of somehow both skeptical and hopeful.
"It's not a no." he agreed quickly hoping that would make her agree.
"But it's not a yes." She remarked shrewdly.
"….. It's not not a yes." He replied hoping that would have her leaning toward just accepting the idea of a damn phone call.
"But…. Your feelings haven't change? You still think I'm too young for you, right?" she said it all without ever managing to look at him, so she didn't notice the way his hand rubbed at his stomach, and he suddenly wished for an antacid.
He opened his mouth to respond but all that came out was a hesitant, "…..I …. I'm not…. I don't …."
"Quil," Claire suddenly said seriously as she moved her eyes from the road to look at him and gage his reaction and then looked back, they were already about a third of the way there and it'd been less than twenty minutes, she was doing an impressive job of getting him there, laws and safety be damned, "Can you honestly tell me that your feelings have changed?"
He was just thrown off by the question. Did he still love her? Yes definitely, and more than just as a friend or sister or cousin or anything else, he loved her like he hadn't ever loved anything in his life, like nothing else mattered except for her, which is what made the rest so hard… Did he feel any less guilty for taking advantage of her three months ago? No. Did it make it any better if now that there was no parental authority to get in his way, he continued to take advantage of her? Definitely not.
When he hesitated for too long, she spoke before he could think of the right thing to say,
"-Then I don't think we should talk before you get back." She said simply like his lack of response was a response in and of itself.
"Just let me call you, Claire." He practically begged as he turned his body in the passenger seat to watch her across from him, "Don't make me get on that plane not knowing when I'll see or hear from you again."
"I'll text you all the updates about Bennett's surgery!" she immediately argued.
"But when will you talk to me? When will you tell me what you're thinking and feeling?" he argued back like it was critically important that she give him that information.
She just shook her head and then laughed in a way that didn't seem funny at all as she yelled, "You don't want to hear it!"
His hand made a loud slap that made Claire jump in shock when he smacked down hard on the dash.
"Yes, I do! You're the only damn thing in this world I care about! The only thing that matters! You don't want me to get on this plane? Fine, just say the word, and I'll stay. I'm here!" he yelled back to her as she shook her head and refused to look at him even though he could see the tears building in her eyes again.
"No, you should go." She muttered back quickly.
"Is that what you want?" he asked skeptically, hopeful to finally make some headway with her.
"I want you to be there for Hannah and for the kids." She replied immediately.
"But is that what you want?" he asked back almost angrily he was so intense about it.
"…I ….. I don't know what I want… not with you." Claire muttered back quietly still refusing to look at him.
"Bullshit!" he yelled and she suddenly started crying.
"You just said you didn't know what you wanted so why do I have to!?" she argued in a shrill yell just as she took a turn too fast so that they were both thrown to the left sharply before she straightened back out again.
"Because how am I supposed to make an informed decision about where to stand with you if you won't even tell me what you want!?" he yelled back wondering why he was so worked up he was yelling at her about it.
"How am I supposed to decide what I want about you if you won't tell me how you feel!?" she yelled in response.
"You want to know how I feel!?" he asked in angry shock.
"YES!" she yelled in frustration as if she'd been asking him for that the whole time.
"I LOVE YOU! That's how I feel! Claire, I love you! I love you so much it hurts! It eats away inside of me until I'm almost positive I have an untreated ulcer!"
The words had just sprung out of him sporadically almost of their own accord, probably because he'd had no intention of saying them. They were more than halfway there and at the speed Claire was driving, it'd only be ten more minutes before they reached the ferry station it was clear she was headed for since it'd get them into Seattle closer to the airport.
"You love me?" Claire asked in a tone that was almost skeptical.
"YES!" Quil roared in obvious frustration. Now that it'd come out there was no keeping it back and it infuriated him that she didn't seem to know it.
"Then WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!?" she screamed back at him seeming almost completely unfazed by his declaration of love, "Do you have any idea what you've put me through!? How much you've hurt me!? If you LOVE me why would you throw me away!?"
"I didn't throw you away, Claire." Quil muttered angrily before he noticed for the first time that they were turned, screaming at each other as she drove eighty plus miles per hour, and he still wasn't wearing his seatbelt. Not that it mattered, at this point in his life he kind of hoped he'd just get thrown from the car. It wouldn't kill him and maybe waking up in the hospital in a week, all his problems wouldn't seem so bad. At least he'd get to sleep.
"YES, you did!" she insisted angrily, still managing to scream and look at him and drive all at the same time, "I gave you EVERYTHING! Everything I had, Quil! My faith, my hope, my future, my body, my virginity, my entire heart and you threw it all away like I wasn't good enough for you!" she was huffing and screaming and pointing her finger to emphasize each point all while he could see the angry tears she was fighting to hold back.
"You didn't give it to me, Claire! I stole it! I STOLE all of that from you! You're the person I love the most in the entire world and at sixteen-years-old I STOLE your virginity and your innocence and if I can't find a way to give you back your future and whatever of your childhood you have left, I don't know how I'll live with myself, Claire! I love you. I LOVE you! And I hate myself for what I did to you!" he ranted angrily, barely stopping to take a heavying breath before he suddenly realized that he had just spewed everything out to her that'd he had never planned on telling her.
"That's what you think? That's what you honestly think?" she asked with that same tone of obvious skepticism she'd used before.
"Yes! Obviously! Why do you think I've been doing this!? You think it's fun for me?" Quil heaved angrily, continuing with his leftover momentum his confession had given him.
"That's…. that's just ridiculous….. and completely offensive and disrespectful…. And I'm sorry, but honestly it's sexist too." she replied in stuttered bursts.
"What!?" he asked in shocked frustration. So much for her applauding him trying to do the right and noble thing….
They were just reaching the ferry port and the traffic was forcing them to slow down so that Claire looked over at him and he suddenly noticed that she looked more frazzled and frustrated then he'd probably ever seen her.
"Yes, Quil!" she yelled at him like he was the world's biggest idiot, "We dated for six months!"
"I know!" Quil huffed annoyed.
"And how many times did we talk about when I'd be ready to have sex? Hmm? Three? Four? Five? Six? And how long did we wait? SIX MONTHS! We waited six months! You waited almost fifteen years to have sex again! And when we finally did, it was MY choice. MINE! I picked the day, I picked the time, I prepped everything, I basically threw myself at you and then instead of respecting that decision and me and my choices and getting to decide what was right for me and my body, you happily accepted my virginity and then threw it in my face!"
Her tirade was long enough that she was inching the car forward again before she blew out an angry breath and then wiped the one tear below her eye that had managed to escape, in a frustrated huff.
"You planned it?" he asked in shock somehow getting stuck on that one detail. "You knew it was going to happen that night?"
"YES!" she yelled again even though his shocked response had been at a normal volume, "Honestly I thought you did too!"
"You thought I wanted it to happen that night?" he asked more surprised than anything.
"I don't know," Claire sighed finally deflating as she inched the car forward another car length, "I thought you were just open to it happening. You said you were opened to it happening!"
"I was…. I thought I was….." Quil tried to justify but feeling his heart fall flat right along with his explanations.
"OOoohh!" Claire groaned out loudly into the car, "You think you have an ulcer? You're giving me a complex! You say you love me, but you treat me like dirt! You said you wanted to have sex with me until you actually did and then suddenly it was this huge mistake!"
"Claire….. it's not that…. Your dad…." he tried again fruitlessly.
"My dad? What the hell, Quil!?" she started in obvious agitation, "-Don't curse." he cut across to say to her without meaning to, she didn't acknowledge him as she continued like he'd never even interrupted. "You dumped me three weeks after he died, Quil! Three weeks! Who does that!?"
"I was trying to respect his wishes! His memory!" Quil defended angrily, "How do you think he'd feel if he knew that I'd deflowered his daughter ON THE night he died!"
"I think my sex life would be none of his business!" Claire yelled just as they pulled up to the window and she barely paused to show Quil's pass he handed her from the glove compartment before moving forward again onto the line boarding the ferry, "Besides it's not like he didn't realize we'd have sex one day! He asked me if we were secretly engaged or pregnant, the day I told him we were dating!"
"He did?" Quil asked in interest since she'd never told him that before.
Claire just nodded agitatedly as she followed the direction from the worker waving the car forward.
"You don't think he would have wanted us to wait until you were at least legal first?" Quil pointed out as his fail-proof argument that he could never get past every time he went around and round in his head over it.
"What year is it? Are you serious!? How sexist is that!? The girl has to wait until her daddy sells her off to have sex? Maintain my purity and then sell it to the highest bidder he deems worthy!?"
"Uh I'm pretty sure the year just solidifies that a thirty-one-year-old having sex with a sixteen-year-old is a predatory, if not downright wrong, thing to do!" he shot back.
Claire just huffed as she put the car in park right behind the one in front of it and then turned to look at him. She held up her hands, stopping them just before they reached his ears and then shook them as if she was miming shaking his head as she screamed into her closed mouth in clear frustration. "MMMMMmmmmm!"
Before Quil could even react, she was throwing open her door and stepping out of the car.
"Where are you going!?" he asked in shocked frustration.
"Away from you!" she snapped before she slammed the door in his face. "I need some air." He heard her mutter through the door as she ran a hand through her hair and then marched off in the direction of the rail.
Quil blew out a frustrated breath as she walked away from the car, and he buried his head in his hands. He was too damn tired. He hadn't slept in thirty something hours and the night had been eventful to say the least. It didn't help that he had no plans in his immediate future to get any sleep either. That and the guilt and horror over Bennett…. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to sleep again.
The exhaustion was catching up to him and that was what was making him lose all touch with his filter…. He was saying things he should never say. Admitting things to Claire, like how he was still in love with her and how he still thought about her naked all the time… wait, had he said that to her? He didn't think he had but he couldn't completely rule it out.
He needed to get out of the car and follow her, finish the conversation, he knew that, but he was so tired. And not just physically tired, he was so damn tired of walking this tight rope. Of wanting things he couldn't have, but wanting them anyways…. He knew it was wrong to want Claire to sleep in his bed with him but why was it wrong again? He couldn't seem to remember all his reasons completely clearly anymore. Everything felt so complicated and convoluted and all he really wanted was to make Claire happy… that and to get some sleep, if there was a way to achieve both at the same time, hopefully with her there sleeping wrapped in his arms with him than that was what he was aiming for.
Quil forced his eyes open and his head up as he opened the door and forced his too large body out between all the cars smushed together. He ended up having to slide over the hood of the Camaro to get around all the vehicles before he slowly made his way to where Claire stood against the rail with her arms wrapped tightly around herself as she stared out at the water just as the ferry pushed off from the dock and started its way across the sound.
It amazed him how she could be such a mess and so beautiful at the same time. The harsh morning sun was hitting her, so that half of her was in shadows and yet she still seemed to shine. Even with tangled hair whipping across her face in the wind and no makeup on her puffy eyed, tear-stained face she was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She looked cold in her rumpled dress, he was grateful that the sleeves were long, but the dress didn't even come to her knees and when he reached her, for once he just stopped fighting his instincts and listening to the nagging voice in his brain. He wrapped both of his big and too warm arms around her waist until his entire chest was pressed against her back and he was warming her from all sides.
She stiffened slightly in response and he wasn't sure if it was from surprise or because she was still mad at him. He rested his chin against her right shoulder and inhaled a deep whiff of her hair, suddenly feeling more grounded from just the scent of her alone than he probably had in months. Claire seemed to melt into him either from his heat or because she couldn't resist the same pull he felt either.
"I'm sorry, Claire." The words tumbled out of him barely loud enough for her to hear over the wind and the water below them, "I'm sorry I've treated you badly."
Most of the words were said into her hair as he turned and pressed his lips to the side of her head and looked out at the dock they'd left from, getting farther and farther away in the distance. Claire's arms and hands suddenly landed on top of his, folding over his on top of her stomach, he somehow sensed the tears in her eyes or maybe it was just because she nodded instead of speaking since her voice always cracked when she cried.
Quil squeezed her tighter as he let his chin fall back to her shoulder staring at the same side of the sound as she was.
"… I wish you wouldn't." she finally replied so quietly he barely caught it over the wind. Her hair suddenly whipped in his face and his brow scrunched as he lifted a hand with her arm still connected from where she was holding his wrist and used it to pull her hair behind her ear.
"…. I'll work on that..." He promised simply wanting to make her happy and give her everything she'd ever wanted and at the same time not knowing how. "…. Claire, I'm not sure I can give you what you want right now though…." He admitted since apparently if he thought it, he was saying it now….
Claire seemed to digest that as they stood intertwined together watching the water go past beneath them, "…I'm not sure if what I want is even possible…." She finally murmured.
Quil squeezed her ribs as he whispered directly in her ear so that his lips softly brushed against her and even though he got whipped by some more of her hair it was worth it because he got to smell more of her, "And what is it that you want?"
"….. it doesn't matter." Claire sighed without ever looking away from the water.
"It matters to me." he replied honestly as he leaned forward and rested his chin on her shoulder again.
"You won't like it." she said simply with a shrug, but she let her head fall back a couple inches, so it was resting on his shoulder, and she was leaning back against him.
"Try me," he urged, "Please, Claire?"
Part of him was tempted to turn to look at her but he knew if he pulled away at all the moment would burst, and she'd never tell him.
She hesitated for another moment before she seemed to decide to throw caution to the wind blowing past them and said in a rush,
"I want to go back to the way things were before my dad died. The way we felt those few hours right before everything changed."
He sighed against her and realized this was another one of those moments where if he weren't so tired, he'd probably do things differently even as he admitted sadly, "Me too…"
"Really?" she said with obvious disbelief.
He sighed against her again and simply nodded his head so that it bobbed against her shoulder.
"… They could have stayed the same…. You didn't have to change them…" she pointed out and he resisted the urge to stiffened up behind her.
"We'll have to agree to disagree about that." He muttered reasonably with his head next to hers.
Claire thought he was the reason everything changed between them but what she didn't realize was that everything was different the second Robert died, regardless of how he had responded to it.
Claire sighed as deeply as Quil had a moment before, "But we can't go back." She said wistfully but with absolute certainty.
"No." he agreed, "We can't."
"And I'm not sure what I want any more when it comes to you, Quil." She admitted sadly.
he simply shrugged and nodded against her back in response.
"And I don't think you have any idea what you want either."
"That's not true." he muttered simply as he watched Seattle quickly approaching to their right, "I know exactly what I want."
"What's that?" she asked a little nervously.
"Just you." He said with another shrug. Saying it was easy because it felt so unnecessary. It was completely obvious.
Claire shook her head against him as she stiffened up slightly and brought her head up, so it wasn't directly against him anymore.
"What?" he asked confused by her unexpected reaction.
"We need to get back in the car, we're already running late." Claire muttered, completely ignoring his question and trying to pull away from him.
He let her go as she moved around him, but he refused to let the subject drop as he followed her back to the car.
"Why'd you shake your head?" he asked in confusion.
He heard her sigh again as she kept walking between cars and ignored his question.
By the time she was sliding into the driver's seat Quil hurried across the hood again and forced himself into the car in a hurry to ask,
"Claire, why did you shake your head?"
"Can we not right now, Quil?" she sighed without looking at him as she started the car and all the brake lights in front of them started to illuminate.
"No, I really need to know why you would react like that." he insisted.
"Because you don't want me, Quil." she said in a discouraged voice.
He almost snorted as his head flipped back so fast he almost injured his neck.
"Of course I do!"
He wasn't sure of much in his life right now but that much he was absolutely certain of.
Claire shook her head again as she put the car in gear in a way that seemed like she just didn't want to argue with him.
"Explain." he demanded almost angrily.
She hesitated so long that they were almost off the ferry as she inched forward in slow degrees before she finally just said,
"You want to Dr. Frankenstein me."
"What!?"
That explanation was worse than before, and it made absolutely no sense.
She shook her head in obvious frustration, but it seemed to be from her struggle to communicate what she meant before she continued, "You want to take all these different versions of me and marry them together in your mind and create this perfect-version-Claire that makes you most comfortable. It has nothing to do with me or who I actually am right here, right now."
Quil sat in stunned silence for probably a full thirty seconds before he let out one skeptical chuckle, "…. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
"Is it!?" Claire asked now sounding fired up and continuing without letting him answer, "You want me to love you like a woman, but treat you like a friend, while thinking like a child, and answering like a subordinate."
"That's not true!" he answered immediately even though his face heated with a surprising flush he didn't understand. It wasn't true so why should he be embarrassed by it? "I want you exactly the way you are. I know you better than anyone, probably even better than you do."
The city was already breezing past unnoticed on their way to the airport as Claire snorted and then replied skeptically unconcerned, "You think so?"
"Yes, of course! I've always known you better than anyone." he replied with absolute certainty.
"No way." she scoffed with a laugh like she thought the idea was actually funny.
"Yes, I do!" he insisted, getting angry now which probably had more to do with his exhaustion then the actual conversation.
"Okay," Claire said simply, "What's my favorite tv show?"
"Friends." he answered already thinking of the episode she'd referenced earlier and how hard she'd laughed the first time he'd shown it to her.
she shook her head as she promptly corrected, "The Office."
Quil just threw his hands up and shook his head because it should be obvious to her that was one stupid example that could never represent how he knew and understood her on an intuitive level.
They were only ten minutes from the airport and he wasn't sure if he was frustrated or relieved by the fact. Claire had almost cut the commute in half, and he was going to make his flight, but it seemed like having more time trapped in the car with her would be a good thing too.
"What's my favorite ice cream?" she continued in defense to his gesture.
"Rocky road." He said certainly. He'd been buying her ice cream cones since she was two.
She shook her head again, "That's Jamie." She answered easily like she wasn't even upset about it.
"Bullshit." he accused since he was positive she was lying to try to prove a point.
"No!" she actually laughed, "I crave cookie dough with brownie batter ice cream every time I get my period."
"Since when!?"
Claire shrugged as she turned the wheel smoothly and pulled onto the same street as the airport, "The last few months I guess…"
He just sat in silence as his exhausted and mentally fried brain tried to decide if it sounded better or worse that the reason he didn't know that was because of the distance between them the last few months.
"I still know you." He finally said simply.
She turned to give him a sharp, skeptical look. "Yeah, you might know my birthday, but do you know what tattoo I'm going to get the day I turn eighteen?"
"How is that relevant? Who would know that?" he argued in tired exasperation.
"My boyfriend would. My fiancé would. My husband would. Hell, my best friend does!" she argued clearly getting upset where before she'd only been ambivalent.
"I'm your best friend." he argued back immediately even as he realized that was wishful thinking.
She snorted again and replied, "Get real, Quil!" just as she pulled into the temporary drop off in front of the terminal.
That wasn't a good sign. He was expecting her to go to short term parking and walk him inside at least.
He sighed as he rubbed his head that was starting to ache. He didn't want his last moment with her to be spent arguing with her.
"I'll work on that. Okay?" he sighed out tiredly.
She didn't reply as she found an empty spot by the curb and pulled up in front of it. She didn't even put the car in park, she just sat with her foot on the brake and looked over at him expectantly like she was waiting for him to get out of the car.
He sighed again as his frustrated response before he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face her more directly.
"You can bring Butch over to stay at my apartment if your mom comes home." He said as he listed off the business things he needed to get through before he left. Claire just nodded that she understood, "And you can stay there too if you'd like. You know where everything is, and I know you don't like to stay at the house when your mom's there." She raised a brow at him in slight surprise and he continued, "See there are some things I know about you still."
She gave him a small smile in response, but he knew she was humoring him and there was nothing really sincere about it. He sighed unhappily again, settling himself to the fact that he would have to say goodbye before he could make any real progress with her.
Resigned to it he reached his right hand across the car until he cupped the side of her face in his hand and leaned into her. She watched him without moving as he leaned across with his body to kiss her, it was the only way he could really express himself and communicate with her without screwing it up, except that at the last second she turned her face slightly, so her lips hit his palm and suddenly he was back in the shop at the top of the stairs outside of his apartment and she was refusing to let him express his love for her the way that felt right all over again.
He sighed for the umpteenth time, frustrated and yet knowing he didn't really have a right to be, before he settled for her cheek just lip adjacent so that he was really kissing the very corner of her mouth.
He only pulled back far enough to look at her and he left his hand on her cheek.
"I still love you, Claire." He told her certainly as he watched her widen her eyes that she hadn't even batted when he'd moved to kiss her. "I want to work on making things better between us." He promised right before he gave her a small unsatisfied smile and then dropped his hand, ready to get out of the car.
"You don't know what you want between us. Figure that out and then I can too." Claire said seriously like she was almost angry, but he knew it was just a bluff. She was dangerously close to breaking and he could see that her tough girl anger was just a façade to mask her desire and pain.
He didn't have time to say anything else, so he just nodded with a serious look on his face and took one last look at her before he opened the door and got out. He refused to look back at her again as he grabbed his bag out of the trunk and walked inside the glass doors listening to her pull the car back out and drive away before he'd even made it inside. He knew if he saw her, he'd be too tempted to stay.
It wasn't until he was already boarded on the plane that Quil realized she'd never agreed to let him call her while he was gone.
And she never did.
Every one of the five nights that he was in Georgia he called her and every night she let it go to voicemail. She texted him updates on Bennett's surgery as soon as he'd landed and bought a new phone, but she never texted him after Bennett's initial prognosis and she never responded to his voicemails. The worst part was when Collin dropped him off at the shop on Sunday night after picking him up from the airport and taking him to visit Bennett. His Camaro was out front and the keys to it and the shop were left in a pile on the counter. Butch was already there with a full bowl of food and water and all that she'd left for him was the post-it on the fridge.
Gone to cheer camp. Talk when I get home.
*Author's Note*
OMG! I'm dying to know what you guys thought! I feel like EVERYONE (myself included) has been waiting forever for this conversation between Quil and Claire and I really want to know your guys reactions so please let me know! Also, side note, I'm now on facebook too and I just made a huge announcement this week so maybe hurry and scoot to go find and follow me where you can see it! You can find me on both FB and Instagram as Jessica Summer but my handle on instagram is writer_jessica_summer or on twitter as at MissedJess and seriously you guys I've been waiting months to share this news with you! I'm so excited! Okay, that's it! Let me know what you think!
xoxo,
Jess